Saturday, March 12, 2022

媽媽的回憶: 爸爸第一次發病及其他

 今天是烏森換時間的時候, 他們叫這一天做 The end of Daylight Saving.  所以我們的時鐘要往前調一個小時, 本來應該是晚上八點的,就要調成是九點。  這好像是一個比較老的歐洲一些地方的習俗。  中午時, 我妹和妹夫帶了一堆火鍋料來家裡吃,母親提到爸爸第一次發病,說自己很幸運,爸爸沒有因此就走了。  他說要是爸爸那時走了,所有旁邊的人都會說媽媽剋夫。  我妹有點不信。  他說這甚麼時代了,還有人相信這個。  我說是有可能的,就算嘴裡不說,心裡也會想。  媽媽說是啊,而且不管自己信不信這一套,怕的還是。。。象那一個電影明星說的甚麼來著。  我說,人言可畏啊。  媽說對啊,阮玲玉那部電影裡說的嘛。  之後,吃完火鍋,我們就開始唱卡拉 OK,用我妹夫設計的軟體。  媽媽精神不是很好,但他還是在客廳躺椅上聽我們唱。  


晚上他們回去,我們也準備睡了,因為換時間的關係,家中的很多鐘都已調過了。  所以看上去是九點鐘,實際上大家的身體還是感覺的是八點鐘。  我半倚在床上看手機,已上床的媽媽打電話給我,說今天提到了爸爸第一次發病的事情,他有點睡不著。  叫我下樓去把這事和我說說,希望可以幫助入眠。  我就去聽他講故事了。  

那是在我妹剛出生沒多久,大概過了一兩個月,可能剛過了農曆新年。  我爸爸身體狀況不很好,這情況可能有一陣子了,因此,媽媽要給老爸補一補,他記得在那期間常常給老爸煮雞湯麵吃。  還都是特地去買的童子雞。 買了一冰箱的童子雞。 (我想,那時剛好新年前後,一般人在那時也吃得比較甜。)  但是老爸的身體並沒有好起來,根據老媽的回憶,老爸的肉好像一片一片被刮掉。  媽媽記得當時是冬天,老爸全身發熱,無法睡在床墊較厚的床上, 都是在地上打地鋪睡地上。  (我說,我記得在羅斯福路五段景美的房子裡,地板 都是磚塊,很冷的!  媽媽說是的。)  

*附加:  媽媽剛剛上來跟我說,這事情其實應該發生在夏天。  因為他記得是爸爸吃過紅豆湯後發生的。  在台灣吃紅豆湯都是吃又甜又冰的。  我本來是想把文章稍微修改一下。  但是,現在決定只加註一條。  畢竟記憶一上總是會有錯誤。  


爸爸既然每下愈況,媽媽就很操心,想要帶他去大醫院檢查。  可是爸爸自己是針灸醫生,又很會開方,根本不願意去。  於是媽媽就去找了大嫂來勸。  爸爸才勉強在大嫂的陪同下去了三軍總醫院做個檢查。  很幸運的是當時看診的是趙彬宇醫生。  他就問問老爸日常的生活起居,媽媽回憶當時的情況,趙彬宇醫生問老爸睡覺睡得好不好,我媽說一點都不好,還常夜尿,可是大嫂在旁邊說我老爸睡的好極了。  趙彬宇醫生很幽默的問,倒底誰是我老爸的太太。  他問完了問題後,推測有可能是糖尿病。  老爸當天就去抽了血去做化驗。  

當時這種檢查報告都要三四天後才會出來。  三四天後, 母親帶著老爸,這一次沒有大嫂陪同,去三軍總醫院去看檢查報告。  媽說老爸當時人已經是非常不舒服了。  他倆在等候室等報告時,等了一陣子都沒有人來。 爸爸坐不住了,他人不好到連坐都很難過,他說他一定要回家去。  所以媽媽就帶著老爸去。  到了家,母親去找了我乾媽的爸爸來陪老爸,他倆是很熟的朋友。  之後媽媽說他自己又坐車回三軍總醫院,他一定要看到報告。  結果他才剛踏進醫院的大門,就聽到廣播大聲的在問 "請莊耿輝的家屬趕快去櫃檯 (應該不是叫櫃台,可是我現在忘了名稱是啥了!) 。"   廣播不停的報,媽媽三腳兩步的跑過去, 護士說,你先生血糖值有970,情況非常危險,趙彬宇醫生要和你談談。"   趙彬宇醫生見到媽媽,馬上說, 你先生非常危險,一定要馬上住院。  你要在 三軍總醫院還是要在中心診所?  媽媽去年送外婆進中心診所,知道中心診所比較多單人病房,而且伙食也較好,他當機立斷的說要去中心診所。  趙彬宇醫生說,好,我現在就去和中心診所說你們立刻要一間單人病房,你現在趕快去接你先生。  

媽媽說他當時在三軍總醫院攔了一輛計程車,趕回景美的家裡,到家時,和計程車司機說,麻煩你等等,我還要進去接我先生到中心診所。  可是老爸那時已經走不動了,媽媽去求那個司機來幫忙扶著老爸。  媽說自己遇到好人,那個司機一看到老爸嚇了一跳,一把就抱著老爸安置在車裡,趕快開往中心診所。  媽媽帶著老爸到了中心診所,趙彬宇醫生早已給他們安排好病房。  聽媽媽說,當時那個病房竟擠了十幾二十個年輕醫生,都是趙彬宇醫生的學生,趙彬宇醫生也在下午一點左右趕到,媽媽說不知道他到底有沒有吃午飯。  大家七手八腳要給老爸抽血。  那個抽血的地點是大腿內側的大靜脈。  老爸一聽,說那還得了,針扎進去還有命嗎,死也不肯。  媽說怎麼勸也不行,趕忙去打電話找救兵。  打了大嫂和大哥,不在家;又打了小于叔叔,幸好秦金台阿姨在家,小于叔叔那時在高雄。  金台阿姨趕忙過來,他左一句莊師兄,右一句莊師兄,終於爸爸讓步了。    但這樣緊張讓爸爸也累的連最後的力氣都用盡了,整個人昏過去。  他們有趕緊他送到加護病房。  媽媽說那一次,在加護病房裡至少待了一個星期多,天天拿紅單子,意思就是血糖超高,有生命危險,請親人有心理準備。  另外,在普痛病房有待了一個多月。  我說我也看過老爸被王昌國叔叔抬到計程車去,我就是那一次看到紅單子的。  媽說那是後來的一次。  (我記得那次也是血糖值高到九百多。)  

但是這次,媽媽說他選擇中心診所是因為他知道三軍總醫院的病房都是多人一間,給老兵住的嘛。  媽說他為什麼會知道,是因為以前外婆也住過三軍總醫院的。  我說外婆怎麼會住三軍總醫院,他又不是軍人。  媽媽說因為他的小學同學有一陣子在三軍總醫院做護士,外婆需要住院的時候,媽媽就去找這位小珍阿姨。  所以也就順道住進三軍總醫院了。  媽媽在講述這個故事的時候,不斷提到趙彬宇醫生,心裡實在是充滿感謝。  他說要不是遇到這個醫生,爸爸是鐵定過不了那一關的。  爸爸在中心診所的時候,前去探病的人絡繹不絕。  趙醫生很驚訝,問媽媽說爸爸是做甚麼的。  媽媽說是做針灸醫生的。  聽母親說趙彬宇醫生和老爸也很聊得來。  後來爸爸在門診的時候也都是看趙彬宇醫師,老爸和母親說過,這位趙醫生的肺臟不好。  媽媽說趙醫生後來是死於肺癌。  這一篇文章我其實已經想寫很久了。  可是一直苦於找不到有關趙彬宇醫生的資料。  今天找一找,稍微有一點眉目。  我把他的履歷寫在這裡也算紀念這位醫生。  (來源是榮民總醫院)。  我還有找到一本趙醫師夫人寫的紀念書。  然後我也在另一本書裡,提到趙彬宇醫師也是給蔣經國小蔣總統看糖尿病的主治大夫之一。  

專長

新陳代謝及糖尿病治療

學歷

軍醫學校西安醫一分校46期

榮譽職

中華民國糖尿病學會常務理事

曾任

國防醫學院醫學系副教授
本院病理檢驗部中央檢驗科主任

到任年月

1967年02月

出生年

1925


我細思當時的情況,對媽媽而言真的是很恐怖的。  民國七十年初,一月,他母親去世。  爸爸發病時,是民國七十一年初,在我妹出生大概一兩個月後,當時如果爸爸真的走了。  母親一年前才喪母,一年後又喪夫,再加上兩個娃。  我相信真的會有很多親戚朋友說他命剋!  爸爸那時沒有走,他們畢竟結縭十四載。  真可說是幸運。  


---------------


把文章寄給我妹,他也提到爸爸第二次住院, 他的回憶。  我也附在這裡。  鐵板燒我是不記得了。  其他大都類似。  不過我記得只有王昌國叔叔把爸爸帶上車。  媽說那年投資公司倒閉,爸爸雖然一句話都沒表示,但是壓力很顯然是非常巨大的。  媽說那年暑假他帶著我和妹妹和大嫂一起去了日本一趟。  他認為他不應該去的。  如果他沒去,他很有可能會跟著乾媽趕快把錢提出來。  但是,爸爸不大會做這些事。  

「寫得真好。敘述式很流暢,自然。但是這樣的經歷真是太焦慮了。王昌國叔叔那次我記得,印象很深。也是給兩三個朋友抬出去的。我們倆在門口。爸爸還對我們笑笑的說馬上回來。兩眼都紅的。之後媽媽安排我們跟王昌國叔叔的太太去他們家。他們香香姊姊和他哥哥都在。陪我們,讓我們放鬆。很晚媽媽才來接我們。那次爸爸住院也很久。我記得每次去看他,吃得都很好。中心診所的地點熱鬧,我們那時候去吃了好多次鐵板燒。  那一次我三年級。」

Sunday, March 06, 2022

最殘酷的月份感想和書鈔

 I just finished reading a book from author LouisePenny's series theCruellestMonth.  I am getting used to the characters in the story.  

Lately, I am jittery.  Really want to read a book or something.  Tried a few, but none really stick.  Then I kept thinking about the poems from previous books from LP.  Because I really liked the poems she used in those books.  Just when I started to look for a title, my libby reminders showed me that I have a hold due.  I completely forgot about the book I reserved half years ago.  I was getting tired of inspectorGamache when  I reserved it.  But it's perfect timing now, I want to get back to it.  Lucky me.  

The story was as usual with its small idyllic charm of small village, quirky villagers, and back story of Surete's political back drop.  I did not like the Surete's story line before, but I liked it better here.  For It's more flashed out this time, rather than a gimmick.  The story line became the center stage.  It was quite funny in many places.  There was less mysteries in the detective storyline, for I could almost guess who the murderer was.  It's more of a thriller from the Surete story line.  

There're less poems too.  I wish there're more.  But there are lots of good sentences to quote.  And the book used an interesting idea  I really like the near enemy thing.  I find it makes me think a little.  It means some emotions or intentions that looks virtuous, but actually self-serving.  Like compassion and pity, attachment and love, indifference and equanimity.  


Some quotes:

"'A killing frost', quoted Gamache, 'it nips his root.  And then he falls, as I do'" (from Shakespeare, King Henry VIII)

 "'Strange in Canada, we talk all the time about the one thing we can't control.  The weather.  We can't stop a killing frost and we can't stop the flowers from doing what they're meant to do.  Better to bloom even for an instant, if that's your nature, than live forever in hiding.'"

"Our secrets make us sick because they separate us from other people.  Keep us alone.  Turn us into fearful, angry bitter people.  Turn us against others, and finally against ourselves."

"How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes"  (Shakespeare, As you like it)


Wednesday, March 02, 2022

TheRescue

 我一直在找國家地理出版的泰國洞穴救援的紀錄片。  這部由 freeSolo 的製作小組金國威(Jimmy Chin)和伊莉莎白·柴·瓦沙瑞莉(Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi)執導。  我本來是找光碟片,卻發現找不到。  這幾天幫我表弟看貓,趁他有迪士尼加,我就看了。  很好看!  這部片子的敘述是依照時間順序進行,從發生,到泰國軍方進入,然後請來遠在地球另一邊的一群洞穴潛水專家,接著看到美國軍人也進來了,同時間全世界都有自願人士堤供物質人力專業的資源,到泰國官方所要做的困難決定,最後大膽的援救成功。  這部片很專業的介紹這一群洞穴潛水專家的個性背景,他們當時的感覺,所做的決定;同時也非常尊重的介紹了一些泰國當地的人文風俗。  我覺得這真是一部很認真製作的影片。  我看完了後,很希望可以在電影院裡看。  可惜了。  

我覺得我很容易跟著影片敘述的故事走,沒有太多看不懂的地方。  我很喜歡他們在影片裡讓真正參與此事的泰國人士講述當時的情況。  即使我覺得不是很有關係的人,象 Rick 的女朋友也來接紹採訪。  這樣似乎可以從更多的角度去看這件事和這些參與的人。  我也很喜歡製作小組把故事的主軸擺在那幾個潛水專家。  他們遠從英國,澳洲和各地方一起來到泰國。  這群洞穴潛水的人可以看得出都是一群特別的人。  在個性上和金國威之前介紹的紀錄片裡所介紹的人很類似。  可是這一次,他們在一個重大事件裡利用他們的技能,這種一般人都覺得很奇怪的技能,成功的解救這十三個人。  這是多麼神奇的一件事。  可是他們這群人裡,有醫生,有電工,有各式各樣的人。  但是當他們接受採訪的時候, 都有很強的觀看自己的能力。  就像電影裡的在泰國的外交官和他們說的,如果人成功救出 來了,你們就是英雄。  但如果失敗,你們很可能會被丟進泰國監獄。  這是因為他們的一項大膽的嘗試。  也只有這群專家才敢這樣做。  但是,同時就像 Blink 裡提到的,這實在是他們洞穴潛水的專業,加上泰國以及全球的國家和人民的鼎力相助,和一點點的幸運。  才能有這樣的結果。  


看完後,我上網查了查發現這十三個被困的小孩和教練都沒有國籍,都來自金三角。  我還滿驚訝的。  

Monday, February 28, 2022

詩鈔

 

'Eternity'

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

William Blake

-----
One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.  Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel.  None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch.  And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones.  And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

伊丽莎白·毕晓普(Elizabeth Bishop,1911-1979)

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Xiaohu 走了

 My cousin's dog 小虎 passed away a couple days ago.  I just read about it yesterday.  I cannot imagine how devastated they are right now.  It takes a lot of more effort to take care a dog than a cat.  And this dog was special to my cousin.  My cousin was in a special program for 10 year martial art disciple-ship.  小虎 started the program with him in 2008.  They lived in a mountain really remote from the usual life my cousin was accustomed to.  All kinds of people came and went, either for the program, or they were seeking trainings.  Very few things remained constant in the mountain, 小虎 was one of those dependable faces.  After 10 years was up, my cousin got his 師父's permission to bring the dog with him back to Massachusetts.  That's where I got a chance to really interact with 小虎。  

He was a unique dog.  I think he must've meditated some in those 10 years.  My cousin said when they brought him to the park, he never interact with other dogs.  It seemed he thought he was a human as well, 不屑 interact with other canine.  The most interesting thing about him was he was very expressive.  His emotion was so visible, and he had his own desire, but he was so well behaved.  He would look at you and understand what you want.  He can even let you know what he want with a look.  I walked him once, wanting to bring him pass a bridge.  But the bridge was made for cars, with metal bars as flooring.  His reaction was plain visible that he did not want to step on the bridge.  I tried to find another way around but afraid if he could tolerate any more walking.  So I carried him across the bridge.  The other things about him was he was never shy from any people.  He's always friendly, excited to see everyone.  It must have be the training from the mountain.  Because lots of people visited the mountain over that 10 years, 小虎 was used to people almost all the time.  Though of course, he had his favorite humans, my cousin and his wife.  

The quirk about him was that he would not stop barking in the car.  I heard the story when my cousin and his wife drove across the USA in 2018 when they finished their 10 year program.  Then I saw it with my own eyes when one Christmas, they invited me to NH for a weekend.  小虎 just barked most of the way.  I thought he was afraid, but he was also excited.  I even shot a picture of him and my cousin side by side, with the caption saying, "will you be my friend forever?  Of course.  What do you ask of me?  No barking in the car?  NO!"  

Later last night, after I got the news.  I was kind disturbed.  I felt deep sadness.  It's a feeling I wish no other pet owners should experience.  But it's inevitable.  I kept referring to a Kipling's poem, 


"兄弟姊妹們,
聽我來相勸;
勿將心許狗,
由他撕成片。
            --魯雅。吉卜寧"


But how can we not love them?  It's not just their innocence, but pure joy when we are with them.  Let it be known, the death of a dear one will toil our heart, but after a while, I so wish it will make the love in our heart stronger.  So that we will be able to love even more.  

Tuesday, February 08, 2022

I dreamed last night

 昨晚做了一個夢,夢到一直灰白的花貓和一隻黑貓在我身旁睡覺。  

Monday, February 07, 2022

一首詩抄錄下來

 I heard from Colbert'slate night show.  Never heard the poet's name before.  Found a poem I really like.  


RobertHayden

Those winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early

and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold, 

then with cracked hands that ached 

from labor in the weekday weather made

banked fires blaze.  No one ever thanked him.  


I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.

When the rooms were warm, he'd call,

and slowly I would rise and dress,

fearing the chronic angers of that house.


Speaking indifferently to him,

who had driven out the cold 

and polished my good shoes as well.  

What did I know, what did I know

of love's austere and lonely offices?  

a few quotes

I saw a quote, "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  Be kind, always."  (BradMetzer)  


--------------------

DuaLipa was on ColertShow.  She asked a question to show her interview skill.  I am very impressed with the question.  That gal will be ready for anything.  And Colbert's answer was not disappointing either.  Kind of reminded me of a debate I read in the Name of the Rose, which is also about laughter.  

Question: "does your faith and your comedy ever overlap?  And does one ever win out?"

quote from the interview:

"...in the same way the sadness is like a little emotional death.   But not defeat if you can find a way to laugh about it.  Because that laughter keeps from having fear of it, and fear is the thing that keeps yuo from turning to evil devices to save you from the sadness.  As RobertHyden said, 

'we must not be frightened or cajoled 
into accepting evil as deliverance from evil.
We must go on struggling to be human(humanity, Colbert's word),
though monsters of abstraction police and threaten us."

 So if there's some relationship between my faith and my comedy, it's that no matter what happened, it's you are never defeated and you must see this in the light of eternity and find some way to love and laugh with each other." 

Since Colbert is a Christian and a catholic.  He mentioned about love and sacrifice in his religion, then he talked about death is not a defeat.  Then he mentioned one of his favorite movie is Belfast, in which sadness mingled with funny.  Then he said the above quote.  

I am struggling to say it out loud, for I am not able to really use the words I am about to say.  But it's kind uplifting.  I also see the same element in many of the movies, like 魯冰花, and 周星馳的電影。  It's a struggle to face the life, the ability to laugh about it, and keep going, is very important.  But even so, there's a choice, the thus the struggle.  


Sunday, February 06, 2022

明天的戰爭 觀後感

 I watched theTomorrowWar 2 nights ago.  I don't particularly like the movie.  I feel it's very generic, the so called threat can be replaced by zombie, xenomorph, or any other monster movies.  I was hoping ChrisPratt could lift the movie.  JurrasicWorld did the trick for me, I like both ChisPratt and BryceDallasHoward , the so called star powers.  But no, not here.  It's not enough.  The rest of the characters did not bring their weight in the movie somehow.  I felt the daughter father relation should have enough impact.  But no, it do not.  I do not know why.  I want to compare the relationship here to interstellar's.   But I can't, it's not comparable.  I do not know why.   I really wish it worked.  

And comparing father daughter relation and the weightless of the rest of the characters, I feel the rest of the characters were the weakest link.  I feel the whole thing is made on top of ChrisPratt.  And I feel they want to be so political correct, they just forget to develop characters in the movie.  There's no time, it's already a couple hours long, and yet, everyone has to show up, colored people and all genders has to be shown capable.  But none of them really get any development.  I think a TV series would be more suitable for their purpose.  Thinking back to the independenceDay, I think I am wrong.  They don't need a TV series, they need better script.  

One more thing, the monster in the movie is really generic.  It's basically an Aliens ripoff, with bad taste.  

Tuesday, February 01, 2022

Today's Quote

 ShannonSharpe on TomBrady not mentioning NewEnglandPatriots in his retirement post on IG:

"Some things can only be seen through the eyes that have cried."

The way Mr. ShannonSharpe said, is really like "哀詠怨嘆"。  I did not follow Usan Rugby, so I did not really know the story about how TomBrady left NEPatriots.  Looking at their discussion kind give me a picture how it happened.  Thanks for their heart felt discussion about the situation.  That quote is very memorable.  Mr. SS told his own story and feeling from the similar experience.  I wish I could talk like him.  No, I wish to have the genuine heart like him.   


Wednesday, January 26, 2022

你的,范谷 觀後感

 Just finished watching LovingVincent.  I borrowed from library years ago but did not get to it.  I went to a copycat of imaginevangogh at Dorchester and because of the show, my mom listened to 蔣勳的 VanGogh.  So I decided to borrow it again.  


I thought it was really good.  It's kind like a detective story, only the ending was ambivalent.  It is like a noir film, in which the ending was muddled.  It's true here as well.  The reason is being that in early 2000s there're 2 investigative writers, authored a new theory that Vincent's death was not suicide, but rather a homicide.  And this film used this point of view to create a mystery in the film.  It creates intrigue for me and helped me wanting to see what's next.  And I love the last letter in the final scene.  That sense of wonder, written in such down to earth tone.  The plot of the movie is very intriguing, but the writers of the film represents vincent vangogh's spirit really well.  They did not overshadow his personality with their plot twist.  This is really grand!  


The art in the movie is also worth the time.  I read a little bit after finishing the film.  The passion of that many artists working together, every stroke, every colors.  My!  What a cinema!  I wish I'd see it in the theater!  

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

施墨林和喬路易

 最近在錄製成長路第十四章時,看到喬路易和施墨林的故事。  我很好奇地查一查,看到現在如果提到這一場比賽時,一定會提到烏森 vs. 納粹德國,然後會說白人第一次支持黑人。  但是成長路提到這一段的時候,主要的敘述卻是黑白之間種族的對抗。  作者毫不保留的說當時他所處的環境裡,低收入的白人裡面,每個人都希望施墨林會贏。  這兩種截然不同的敘述是怎麼產生的呢?

貝若森當時在屬於南方的維吉尼亞州,這樣的描述或許可以更精準的說出了當時南方廣大的底層民眾的心聲。  而現在的描述就是把烏森作為一個單元,從歷史的大角度來看。  如此一來, 剩下的就只有政治正確,反而有點假,變相的為了愛國主義而犧牲了歷史的準確性。  我覺得我在看了一些黑人的描述裡,隨然他們也說當時白人支持喬路易。  但是,我卻覺得他們保留一些他們經歷的事沒有說出來。  而這些事卻被貝若森說出來了。  古代中國人有時候會形容一些人是那個時代的 「文」,他們都會發聲,大部分都是文字,為那一個時代留下一些痕跡。  貝若森這本書其實就是誠實平白的描述一個事實。  也確實為那一個時代留下了一些痕跡。  

Monday, January 24, 2022

Went to VanGoghImmersion atDorchester

 I went to VanGoho Immersion at Dorchester.  I think it's a disappointment.  The first place was mostly printed paintings on cloths.  A couple displays were alright but nothing special.  The hall was quite small, we were surprised by the amount of crowd.  Like my sis said, if any of us got covid, we'll know where we got it.  All of us were wearing kn95, but who knows.  

Then onto the next show, the real immersive experience.  But that was a long long line.  We waited at least 30 minutes before entering the display halls, in which the 4 walls were covered by cinema sized screens.  There were chairs lining along the 4 walls, with a podium in the middle, and floor matts scattered all over the floor.  There were projectors shooting synchronized pictures with music on the surrounding walls and floor.  It must be the meat of the show.  Although it was grand at first, but after a while, the meaningless chants of Vincen't quotes, and wantomly displayed images with no time to really observe, it's like an orange clockwork trying to heal the mental patients.  After 10 minutes, we were out of there.  

Maybe there's another display about Vincent's last moment, but we were done.  My mom was very tired, there's no place to sit besides the projection room.  And we stood and waited 30 minutes to get into it  while standing in a very narrow and long hall way.   The whole experience was chaotic, crowded, and a very unprofessional display, almost feel like a scam.  

Sunday, January 23, 2022

Some of my mom's recollection

  媽媽說,在他母親過世後, 他的王俊叔叔問過他,他們家喪事的費用是怎麼分攤的。  可能是王俊叔叔是家裡的老大也遇到這種事情。  媽媽只說買墓地的錢是舅舅八萬,母親和佩蘭阿姨各四萬。  可是媽媽沒有對他說,那只是買墓地的費用,其他喪事的各項其他花費都是媽媽出的。  外公從日本回來一毛錢都沒有帶來。  


外婆死後的奠儀,好像共是十五萬。  外公想要在文化大學用外婆的名義設一個獎學金。  當時向母親要了另一個廿五萬,湊個四十萬,去設這個獎學金。  當時說好要還的,沒有還。  媽媽提到這個事情也想到另一件事,那時剛好接近過年,大嫂來借錢,可是母親當時把帳上的錢都為了外公設獎學金的事提出來了。  無法借錢給他。  外公後來常常利用這個獎學金約獎學金得主出來喝茶,聽媽媽說後來一個女大學生還拒絕來喝茶。   


媽媽說他以前曾經帶外婆去看腸胃科, 一天三次, 早上一家(宏恩),中午另一家(台大),下午又一家(中心診所),不過都是看同樣一個醫生, 好像叫黃天賜。  

------------------------


爸爸走的時候,我才十四,小瑋才十三歲不到。  有很多事情我們都不記得,甚至可以說是根本不知道。  今天我回來的時候,媽媽說他不知道為啥一整天都很想睡。  可是到晚上的時候,他才說他和佩蘭阿姨打電話的時候,佩蘭阿姨說他自己正在紀錄一些和他老闆娘的事情。  大概是上次給他兒子寫了篇自傳後,覺得有動力了。  但是這一次佩蘭阿姨說他在我爸爸過世的時候回來過。  那時還是跟他的老闆娘一起坐飛機回來的。  甚至還是老闆娘叫計程車把他載到我們家門口。  佩蘭阿姨說他的老闆娘當時給了我們奠儀美金四千塊。  佩蘭阿姨說當時媽媽拿了這筆錢就坐了計程車到大嫂(愛秋)家去了,佩蘭阿姨問媽媽是否常要借錢給大嫂。  接著他就問媽媽那筆錢後來怎麼樣了?  還叫媽媽去看禮簿。  媽媽就為了這事煩愁一整天。  可是我一聽,我說我怎麼沒印象佩蘭阿姨在那個期間來過呢?  後來我就叫媽媽打電話給小瑋問問。  小瑋也說沒印象。  媽媽說他的印象裡是和佩蘭阿姨的老闆娘通過電話,已有拿到奠儀。  可是多少錢不記得了,後來說四千美元實在是太多了。  不大可能吧?  到再晚點的時候,媽媽說,那個期間某一天他曾經流血不止,我們都在上學,不在家。  他到處找人幫忙,但不知怎地,都找不到人。  他甚至把尿布包起來,結果還一直換尿布,血不斷的流。  恰巧,吳娟瑜打電話來找他。  吳阿姨一聽媽媽的聲音怎麼那麼弱,趕快給他約了一個他認識的婦產科。  媽媽下樓,樓梯都差點走不動。  在金華街等計程車的時候,那時我們家對面正在施工做一個公園。  媽媽說施工的人看到媽媽說,你的臉色怎麼這麼遭?  媽媽說他正要去看醫生,那個人還問要不要找個人陪他去看醫生。  媽媽說不用了。  但是,媽媽說到了那個婦產科,人家就給他輸血。  他現在覺得現在會得丙型肝炎就是那次輸血得的。  他也覺得佩蘭阿姨那一次恐怕沒有回來。  不然,為啥沒有陪他去看醫生。  

媽媽在問小瑋記不記得佩蘭阿姨那一次有沒有回台的時候,小瑋提到爸爸的喪事拖了一個月,後來他到美國時參加美國人的喪禮,從死亡到下葬都只有一個星期。  他覺得中國人的喪禮太久了。  但是,媽媽說其實不完全是風俗的問題,拖了一陣子的原因是因為爸爸認識的人很多,喪禮的禮堂需要較大的場地,這場地不容易訂到,需要多點時間。  


媽媽後來想到佩蘭阿姨一定有在爸爸喪禮期間來過的。  

Saturday, January 22, 2022

星期四謀殺俱樂部 讀後感

I finished a fiction last night, it's called Thethursday murder club.  I thought it was oaky.  A very easy read, interesting setups but not really that good.  

I thought the characters of retired elderly is very interesting.  If I only look at that aspect, I'd say the book is pretty good.  I think the description for the elderly well written, and the characters although elderly, emitted energy and life.  And the stories did not shy away from the impact of loss of loved ones, suicide, and many other conditions.  For that aspect, I thought it is not bad.  

It's a very read, each chapter was short, and pretty easy to follow.  But I thought the plot is manipulative.  I understand a fiction is a story crafted by the author.  But a good story will bring me into its world and forget about the manipulation.  This one however could not.  There are twists and turns of course, but I do not feel satisfied them.  A rather naïveté attempt to add so many layers, but those layers did not add depth.  

Don't get me started on the relationship between the police and the club.  Overall, it's just an okay past time.  Although I still like the description of the elderly quite a bit.   I feel it's a good setup and where a good story could bring surprise to audience.  But not this one.   


A couple quotes I liked from the book:

"In life you need to have learn to count the good days.  You have to tuck them in your pocket and carry them around with you."  (TheThursday Murder Club, P 85)


"...always acted quickly and decisively.  Which is a fine quality when you are right, but a liability when you are wrong.  It's great to be the fastest runner, but not when you are running in the wrong direction."  (TheThursday Murder Club, P. 125)

I feel the quotes are similar to something I read again and again, but it's worded nicely.  So here they are.  


Sunday, January 09, 2022

最後的決鬥,不完全觀後感

 I browsed through the LastDuel last night.  Browsed, because I fast forward a lot of places.  The movie was really well made, but the subject matter was hard to see.   And plus it's 2 and half hours, I was a bit scared to watch the film.  


After browsing through,  I thought it's a pretty good movie.  But the narrative structure was wasteful.  Because it tried to present 3 different points of views, yet, the differences between them could not create a big difference of opinions.  Before I saw the film, I kept hearing 羅生門,so I was expecting something like it.  But after I browsed through the movie, I felt the focus on the style of narrative was a waste of time.  It actually reduced the importance of other, more important aspect of the movie, the rape and the view of women as property in the Medieval.  Although JodieComer was really good in the movie, she cannot overcome the overdrawn narratives.  I was expecting the fight scene and the setting to be fantastic, since it's RidleyScott's movie.  There's no surprise.  The good thing about the movie was that it did not exploid the rp scene too much.  I was very scared of watching something so grotesque, it's still very ugly but a bit subtle than others.  

It flopped badly in the theater, and I don't think it will pick up post cinemas, like a cult movie.  I felt the movie was a bit educational, rather than pure entertainment.  

Saturday, January 08, 2022

普通人 觀後感

 I just saw a movie called Nobody.  It was a really fun action movie.  I find the arch of the story was a bit odd, because I thought most of action or comedy will dip in the middle of the story, then come back up with a bang.  This one was different.  It started from the bottom, then, slanged up all the way to the end.  

The action was really fun, especially the bus scene.  The fight is gritty and I could felt the weight of each strike.  The other action scenes were fantastic as well.   But weirdly, the beginning of the bus scene was hilarious.  A lot of scenes were funny, I kept scratching my head, do not understand the reason at all.  I am still thinking about that bus scene, I feel that the movie really made the character's feeling crystal clear.  So when the protagonist found a group of people he could pour his energy into, was funny.  But for other scenes, like he totally want to confess something, but his audience always died mid way through his speech.  It was ridiculous enough to be hilarious.  

I love how this movie was a bit like JohnWick but choose the cat as opposed of JohnWick's dog.  

I felt there're a lot of piece left unsaid between the protagonist's wife and everything else.  It's like they are creating another universe like JohnWick.  I am not sure I'd like it.  I rather it just be a stand alone movie.  

Wednesday, January 05, 2022

在細節裡, 觀後感

I watched a movie called the little things.  I thought it was a pure detective story at first.  But turns out, it's not.  Because the focus is not the crime, but mystery surrounds Denzel's character, Deacon.  It was quite interesting and grabbed my attention all they way.  Although I was hoping the move would focus on the crime more, I eventually turned around and think the ending was quite good.  

This movie reminded me a little bit of Seven for the dynamic of the old and young detective.  However, the characters here always has some weight around them.  I do not know why hence the mystery.  The presentation is more stylish by the way they used color and composition.  I felt Seven is more grounded, but it's been a while.    

I felt it's more of a mystery drama than a detective story.  The mystery started really early, Deke was the center of it.  The revelation at the end was very heart wrenching.  Because it was the old cop that drove the young to ruin, in a way.  My first thought after finishing the movie, was kind disgusted.  Of course, I understand the things they done.  It's survival.  But as a lawman, it's just very sad.  I really appreciated the movie after a while.  For some movies are to make you feel awesome, but some are not meant for that.  I think the movie is like a cold bucket of water pouring on to my head.  

The pride of the detective, or the group, could lead to something serious.  They wield a great weapon like the law, they themselves cannot abide to it.  When they were on the right side, their talk was strong, they expressed their opinion with conviction.  The next minute though when they flipped side, something changed.  Before they thought they were the things they wielded, but came to realization the law was the law, they were themselves.  Pride, yes, survival, more.   This is such a dangerous job.  

Monday, January 03, 2022

別往上看 觀後感

I watched this movie last night.  I knew the movie is about 2 scientists warning about a planet wide catastrophe and it's a political satire.  But besides that, I don't really know too much else.  Turns out, it's really well made, funny at places, very touching at the end.  It's really a satire at heart.  

There's not much to say about the movie, because the movie itself is a message.  If I am going to talk about how the movie was, I'll only say it's fun, finely acted, and skillfully directed.  It really is the message that gives me some thoughts.  Of course, the first thing I have to say is what is the message I saw in the movie.  

To me, the message is clear, trust science and act accordingly.  I read that the movie's message was intended for climateChange.  But as covid19 appeared, the message was even more apparent.   I have a few thoughts about the message.  First, I think trust science is necessary.  But most of the time, science is basically a due process.  It really takes time, and yet, for the covid19 vaccines, the due process is really hurried.  So, doubt is also proper, at least for a layman like me.  Second, due process is basically the foundation of Usan justice and political society.  It was never supposed to act like an army commander or a company boss, an order that will be executed flawlessly and timely.  To act according to science, like any other system for Usan society, it's long and slow.  The present situation of world is basically normal.  So, keep on fighting, and keep on voicing the message, and wait patiently with respect and hope.  

I am a pessimist though.   I don't think nothing will stops the climate change.  People are not going to stop consuming.  Business is not going to stop growing.  Technology and other wastes are not going to stop piling.   People are not going to stop growing.  I saw a BrianCox talk about how unlimited the outer space is.  But doesn't that belong to the Scifi world?  At least for a layman like me?  


Sunday, January 02, 2022

Recording, some thoughts

 現在常常想要錄音,但並不是每一次都存檔下來。  因為常常有錯誤的時候,我就跟自己說,算了,這只是隨便錄錄,下次再說吧。  這樣一來,很多花在錄音的時間都浪費了。  這實在划不來。  我覺得心態上,必須要把每一次的錄音當成是正式錄。  所以花的時間才不會浪費。  


另外,抄錄的文章,必須逐字複查,免得當我念的時候又會出錯!  

Saturday, January 01, 2022

Some stories, or recollections

 我媽媽是民國四十七年到台灣的。  當時,剛到的一段時間,台灣警備屬(好像是)還經常找外婆去喝茶。 感覺上,母親家從大陸到台灣在生活品質上,是降了不知道幾級。  當時他們從基隆港登岸。  之後就住到台北的汐止。  當時他們從小學五年起開始讀,因為,當時要考初中的。  他們需要一點時間來準備。  媽媽的身體一直都不好,小時候曾經食物中毒,所以她同年級的人都要去課後補習。外公外婆雖然也有付錢給老師,但是媽媽說他都沒有去補習。  這種情形下,他和外婆在一起的時間就變得比佩蘭阿姨和舅舅大概多一些。

媽媽在大學的時候常參加各種活動。  這些活動有時要當眾表演唱歌,輪到媽媽的時候,他說他都跟別人說他唱印度歌, 其實是印 「肚」 歌,只在肚子裡唱歌,別人聽不到的。  他說他當時都不敢在別人面前唱,所以發明了印度歌。。。  別人都拿他沒辦法。  

媽媽一輩子也做過一些不同的工作。  但是他自己最喜歡的工作是在頭城當老師。  他常常說他自己很受學生的愛戴,他自己也很愛那些學生。  那時,他回到南昌街的時候,跟外婆談起這個事情,眉飛色舞。  可是外婆顯然不希望他到宜蘭頭城教書,媽說外婆很不適應媽媽不在身邊。  另外,佩蘭阿姨也向媽媽抱怨,因為之前媽媽在的時候,很多事情都不需要佩蘭阿姨動手。  媽媽在頭城的時候, 佩蘭阿姨這時就得幫外婆做些事情。  但是他很不習慣。  外婆也不習慣, 聽媽媽說外婆寫了信給外公,意思大概是沒有媽媽在,不行。  媽媽在家裡的外號是 「管家婆」。  於是外公就寫信和之前在台灣的上司,一位姓歐陽的先生替媽媽在一個聯營辦事處(*不確定)找了一個職位。  媽媽說那是他最不喜歡的工作。  根本沒有事情做,大家只是聊天。  媽媽說他不是那種會講話的人,因此也不受到歐陽先生的喜歡。  沒幾下,就被調到圖書館了。  媽媽說圖書館也是沒事幹, 他在那邊認識了一個叫蔡寶珍(*名字猜的)的女孩,很喜歡打扮化妝, 其他的館員也是一樣。  媽媽說自己沒事幹,就只是在旁邊健身走路。  這樣下去不是辦法,連外公都同意。  於是,據說是劉淵幫外公替媽媽在某一個日本的單位找到事。  於是媽媽就去日本了。  結果,事情沒弄好,不知道是位置沒有空缺還是連公司都沒有。  於是媽媽就從日本回家了。  沒有想到的是,一回家就收到通知單,說她兩三年前去考的立法院聽寫員,之前只是個候補。  但是,現在有空缺,要他去工作了!  那也是媽媽最驕傲的一個職位。   

服利蓋

I watched Freeguy last night  It was  a fun movie.  Lots of references to video games, it was hilarious.  It reminded me of Trumanshow at first, then ReadyPlayerOne.  TrumanShow because the main guy is being watched by the world.  RPO because it's about video game.  I still think it closer to TS more.  

RyanReynold fits the movie really nice.  I felt the story was basically created with him in mind.  The actress is really good.  Although she looks different between real world and video game, her personality does not change a bit.  I actually like that.  Because I think it made ending more believable.  She's always working towards a goal, thus did not see what's really surround her.  The ending was handled a bit heavy handed, for I don't think it's necessary to tell the audience reason again.  But because of her personality, it's good to tell her about who the real FreeGuy coming from.  The Keys guy was really a low key character, but it contrast well with Ryan's character,  I felt FreeGuy as a flip side of the Keys character once I found out it's him who created the world.  It's such a good contrast.  People who cannot express well but has the talent to create something, they sometimes created an ideal version of themselves.  

I think it's very good fun movie just to loose myself in there for 2 hours without feeling the time.  This movie may not seem too serious but it is really well made.  It's not easy to fuse two world together, they did a good job!  

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

給人拿了,我還挺高興的

 I did a video 10 years ago.  But then it got removed from my channel for the copy right infringement.  I wasn't even aware of the removal at the time.  I was not happy about it, of course.  I had a lot of fun doing the video.  But then I don't know when, I found my video hosted by somebody else.  I felt humorous about the situation though I was happy that the video is still on the web.  

The video was totally inspired by one picture that shows up through out the video.  A kitty and a cub sitting side by side.  That picture immediately reminded of the old tales from my youth.  It's good that at the time, I had collected so many pictures from online which I used to make the video.  The convenience and variety of my collection really helped the process.  The whole video was rough of course.  But one of the most memorable aspects of making this video was that some of my cat's photos were used to make the video.  

My cats were gone now.  But his pictures were alive on web in a way.  I am really happy.  Because I could watch the video from anywhere. 

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Thoughts on Growing成長路uprecording

 I did a recording of a book I really liked when I was young.  這本書叫做, 成長路。  作者是一個烏森人。  我從小就很喜歡聽故事,小時候一套 HanShengTongHua was always on when I had lunch at home.  Now think back, I feel it's an important part of my education for the development of speech, thinking, and behavior as well.  From last year, when I first thought about how I loved audiobook and its role in my early development.  I thought there're so many good writings in Chinese that 應該要成為有聲書。  有聲書可以讓人一邊做菜,一邊聽。  這些文章裡的用詞也因為常常聽,發音和詞句的應用也可以自然而然的變成腦子的一部份。  

成長路這本書實在翻譯得很好。  我在這段錄音期間查了一下作者是誰,發現作者汪班(當時的筆名袁永),他目前好像在紐約從事崑曲教學。  我想他對於戲曲的研究和愛好,可以使他在翻譯時更傳神的表達原作者的語意。  

我一開始錄音的時候,還滿雄心壯志的。  一方面, 故事裡的作者出身非常基層,非常貧困。  我覺得他和我們一般認識的烏森人是不一樣的。  我們認識的外國人都是很有名的人,不是政治人物,科學家就是企業家,再不然就是藝術家。  當我想起這些人時,都是烏森最美好的畫面。  但是這本書的作者卻不是,因為他的出生是那麼貧困,他所看到的烏森也不是我們一般人在電影電視和各媒體所看到的。  他看到的社會其實才是真正的烏森大多數人所看到的。  有很多窮困,有暴力,有溫情,有閒言閒語,有瞧不起,也有努力工作。  這些都是小市民的生活。  我當時就很希望可以一邊撥放錄音, 一邊把一般烏森人日常照片幻燈片似的同時撥放。  應該還蠻有趣的,而且作者的文筆不諱不隱,而又帶著烏森舊時社會的幽默感。  但是,my goodness, it is not an easy task.  I tried on some videos, but the result wasn't very successful.  I did a similar video for a short story of HanShengTongHua 10 years ago.  I could put different images for different plot twists, that way I felt it would be more interesting to see the video for the images meanings.  But here, it seemed I could not duplicate the same thing.  Because plot twists and daily life pictures described in each chapter is not that easy to come by in one image.  It will take a lot of time and effort to search for a picture for these dual purposes.  So I forego the plan eventually.  Now I just hope my recording can  be understandable, I am not even sure that 懂國語的可以聽得懂,或者有興趣去聽。


我也不期望會有很多人來聽,一方面台灣好像對版權重視的不得了,象我做的第一個影片就被禁了。  另一方面,我的聲音實在很難聽,咬字不清楚,念的快慢不一,而且我自己一聽和我媽我妹說的一樣,就是不太自然。  但是我還是在做,一方面我媽很怕我又是半途而廢,一直問我做完了沒;雖說做得很爛,可是半途而廢更糟糕。  另一方面,我也很希望可以完成一樣東西。  雖說實在真的很不好。  


----------------

聽只是聽得懂,還要能用。  但是,你想,如果沒有一開始聽得懂,記得住,哪兒有後來的說和溝通呢?  聽只是一個開始,卻是一個重要的開始。  我自己和我妹妹比,我可以講話,溝通 利卻是差很遠。  我會不會講話是一回事,會不會溝通又是另一回事。  但是,稍微還可以聽得懂別人大致在說啥。  雖說我也愈來愈懷疑自己到底有無聽得懂。。。

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Judge Bao

 最近在 youtube 上發現可以看我小時候的連續劇,包青天。  真是高興,馬上就看了好幾個故事。  連媽媽都跟著一起看了,但是他發誓不看了。  


我覺得還真是不錯的影集。  一開始我有點害怕,因為有時候小時候的東西再回頭看時,沒有以前感覺得好。  這影集倒是沒有這個問題。  依然是很不錯。  我覺得寫這戲的劇組實在令我刮目相看。  詞語雖然帶著很重的文言,但是台詞在演員的口裡卻並不陳腐,反而好像把這些詞語表現得鮮活起來。  而且可以把故事和人物表現得很飽滿。  厲害。  更令我驚喜的是背景音樂,幾乎都是國劇的音樂,或是中國古典樂器。  我很希望他們可以出一個包青天背景音樂集。  


在看了幾個故事後,我覺得他們的手法滿像現在烏森國的警探故事。  難怪那時候那麼吸引我們。  但是,他也有一個可惜的問題,就是我感覺很多地方都在拖劇情。  很多沒有必要的橋段可以刪除。  真真可惜。  


綠騎士觀後感含劇透

 I watched greenKnight recently.   I wasn't sure what the movie was really about.  I find it long and boring.  But the ending was interesting.  

Some movies are easy to understand, those movie usually has conversations or monologues to guide audience by revealing characters' thoughts and feelings, or plot points.  There are other movies reveal very little through words, rather, they prefer to do it by invoking audience's imaginations or thoughts through images.  It required audiences to observe, and find out what is really going on in terms of plots, character development and feelings, and most importantly, movie creator's intent.  I feel greenKnight is such a  movie.  

I really like this movie's atmosphere and cinematography, absolutely awesome.  I almost feel like it's a ghost story.  I feel there's always a dark and melancholy mood, fogged around the whole set.  And yet, the image in the movie is not blurry.   I am listening to the soundtrack now, and thinking, the music complement the image as well, eerie and ominous.  It stirred my mind and made me unease.  Just for ears and eyes, it felt like a ghost story.  But why?  Is it director's intention to make it this way?  Or it's just my feeling?  They used a lot of images or ways to manipulate images, which to me does not have immediate realistic connection with the story.  I guess the intention is to invoke something inside.  I think the feelings caused by those imageries was very very hard for me to describe.  I just could not understand some of the images, but they still make me  feel uncomfortable.  

It truly is about a coming of age film.  I think I understand what the journey represents, the trials, to make Gawain to see what he really is inside.  The the flashing of his life as a coward towards the end really drove the director's intention home for me.  That make the last line of the movie meaningful.  

Do I like the movie?  I still think it's too long.  But it's a well crafted movie.  I think if I know more about the Arthurian tale, I'd enjoy more.  But for now, I feel it's only okay.  


----

Somehow the movie made me think of different cultures that has the same scorn for death.  The ending of the movie showed Gawain's growth by accepting the result of his own choices, even if it brought him death.  


---------

I don't understand the intention of the green knight.  why the challenge?  and why does gawain's mother summoned him?  



Saturday, December 11, 2021

TalkingtoPeoplebyPhone

 我是不打電話給別人的。  並不是說我不想打電話給別人。  有時候也滿想的,可是總是感覺沒麼好講的。  如果只是因為突然想到了人,打個電話過去,不可能只是打招呼,就掛掉電話。  打過去總要有個目的。  如果我只打個招呼,也不掛電話,那對方可能覺得怪怪的,可能覺得等說些甚麼,如果有的說,或許還好。  但是這不是逼著人說話嗎?  那有這種奇怪的事情。  如果沒有話說,那也就掛了。  

昨晚我在走路,突然想打個電話給小瑋,於是我就撥了電話。  可實際上我哪有甚麼話題呢?  小瑋接了電話,我倆就寒暄幾句,然後我就不說話了。  之後的整個卅分鐘幾乎全是他找話題。  先說了說牙醫的重要性,看我沒啥反應,他就改說一個弟兄要找人領養他的柴犬。  我得感謝有這樣一個老妹!  

我現在越來越想通了,其實我一定是沒有話要說的。  不然我早說了。  你看,這一整個網誌,只是希望在我自己裡面找一找有沒有話要說。  真的沒有。  篇數是不少,但是,但是言之有物的極少。  如果看了甚麼書啊,電影啊,或經歷了甚麼事情啊,我也有所感。  可是當我要寫出來的時候,卻是一片荒涼,不著一物。  可能有感,卻不能說,這麼久了。  我覺得一定是沒有東西在我裡面。  

我妹妹就不是。  他以前也並不是這樣的。  他以前也很愛說,但是,現在是愈來愈有 「物」了。  這就是成長和歷練吧。  

Thursday, November 25, 2021

towerHeist movie afterthoughts

 I like the movie.  I watched it once when it first came out in DVD.  I did not remember much at that time.  I am not sure I would remember the movie too much after last night either.  But I will remember that I liked the movie this time around.  

There're some plot twists that I felt confusing.  But the characters are likeable enough, and some scenes are intense enough.  I think it's a fun movie.  Though I had hard time shaking off the impression of the whole story being an imagination from Walter Mitty.  lol  

I think it's better than the don'tBreath 2.  



Monday, November 22, 2021

is it an accident?

 I wonder if they went to the court for this, what would the defense attorney say about LeBJ?  And what about IS?  

I think it's LebJ was meant to swing his arm at IS.  Because he's frustrated with the kids.  I knew the type.  Powerful and strong, play with a heart.  But for the veteran like LebJ, after 19 years, this kind of push and tug started to wear both physically and psychologically.  The free threw went in, the kid still fighting like a puppy felling off the sky and he wanted to rescue it.  The frustration of being pushed so forcefully for nothing.  The passion only felt like inexperience.  LebJ reacted.  Out of frustration and impatient.  

The kid?   Being hit by LebJ was a shock.  The way LebJ acted afterwards, walking towards the kid, and said something.  Not sure what he said, but I think the body language showed intent to defuse the situation.  Though sometimes, no matter what you said, it's really a matter of who's listening.  But when blood pouring, something just sparked.  


Is it an accident?  Was there intention?  What's the intention?  Did the results match the intention?   The strike of hand was intention, but the result was not.  It started with emotion.  The kid making a scene, was the not the intention, but emotion is the intention.  It's a freak accident.  

Sunday, November 21, 2021

movie afterthought

 I watched a movie last night.  It's called Don'tBreath2.  I'd watched the first one and thought it was pretty good.  They created a good monster movie with a bit of twist.  But what drew me in in the movie really was the atmosphere it created.  So  I thought I'd watch the sequel.  

The whole thing was not as original as the first one.  The theme was quite unclear to me throughout the movie.  I understand the intention, but the plotline doesn't really have the emotional punch the director wished to create.  The twist at the end suffered because of the unclear theme.  But some the atmosphere was still there.  the main actor really is its main attraction.  I'd say it's merely okay if you really got nothing to do.  

And yet, I am writing this dumb piece for the movie.  

5h3 fefnt of kku cats

 i had my bcat arouldn 2004.  this say bwas a hppy say.  it was notp llanned or anything.  i just dropped off colege . 


Phoebe buffet smelly cat

Smelly cat, smelly cat,

What are they feeding you?

It's not your fault.   

They won't take you to the vet

you're obviously not their favorite  pet

you may not be a bed of roses

and you're no friend with those with noses

Smelly cat, smelly cat

what are they feeding you?

Smelly cat, smelly cat

it's not your fault


Penny Soft kitty 

Warm Kitty

Little ball of fur

Happy kitty

Sleepy kitty

Purr, purr, purr.  

Monday, November 08, 2021

Heard couple songs, jotted them down here

幼時的朋友現在的臉書網紅,常常帶著自己的兒子唱歌表演。  這些都是他們唱的。  爸爸帶著兒子。  自有一種幸福。   


歡樂年華

我們都是好朋友,讓我們來牽著手

美好時光莫錯過,留住歡笑在心頭

歡樂年華,一刻不停留

時光匆匆,哎呀,呀呀呀,要把握



=======


梁静茹
小手拉大手

還記得那場音樂會的煙火

還記得那個涼涼的深秋
還記得人潮把你推向了我
遊樂園擁擠的正是時候
一個夜晚堅持不睡的等候
一起泡溫泉奢侈的享受
有一次日記裡愚蠢的困惑
因為你的微笑幻化成風
你大大的勇敢保護著我
我小小的關懷喋喋不休
感謝我們一起走了那麼久

又再一次回到涼涼深秋

給你我的手 像溫柔野獸

把自由交給草原的遼闊
我們小手拉大手
一起郊遊 今天別想太多
你是我的夢 像北方的風
吹著南方暖洋洋的哀愁
我們小手拉大手
今天加油 向昨天揮揮手

還記得那場音樂會的煙火

還記得那個涼涼的深秋
還記得人潮把你推向了我
遊樂園擁擠的正是時候
一個夜晚堅持不睡的等候
一起泡溫泉奢侈的享受
有一次日記裡愚蠢的困惑
因為你的微笑幻化成風
你大大的勇敢保護著我
我小小的關懷喋喋不休
感謝我們一起走了那麼久

又再一次回到涼涼深秋

給你我的手 像溫柔野獸

我們一直就這樣向前走
我們小手拉大手
一起郊遊 今天別想太多
你是我的夢 像北方的風
吹著南方暖洋洋的哀愁
我們小手拉大手
今天加油 向昨天揮揮手


給你我的手 像溫柔野獸

我們一直就這樣向前走
我們小手拉大手
一起郊遊 今天別想太多
哇啦啦啦啦 像北方的風
吹著南方暖洋洋的哀愁
我們小手拉大手
今天加油 向昨天揮揮手
我們小手拉大手

今天為我加油 捨不得揮揮手


Thursday, November 04, 2021

alsldfasodfiald k j j oaoao k

I just finished watching undisputedof shannonandskip talking about scot'sanger.  shannonandskip's chemistry really is incredible.  We all know where skipstands.  butshannon is the one medium who kept the balance and stay reasonable.  they talk like friends, with real opinions and contents.  sometimes, i'd feel talk show just so they could stir the motion of the audience.  But besides the topics and their acting.  the chemistry was so in harmony.  and when they look back, would they be as bitter as mikeandscot?  I don't think so.  because there's sincerity in both of shannonandskip.  


scotis really angry.  and likeshannon said, it's very understandable.  that doc recorded mike's last dance.  why does it show every embarrassing moment ofscott's career?  but the wayscott express this anger, at all direction, it's very bad for him and for history, which he is part of.  He's throwing poop at himself.  But who caused this in the end?  it is actuallymike.  

why are they doing the last dance now?  what motivates mike now?  it's lbj.  because lbj really moved mike a little bit in his heart.  and for that, mikeput out a documentary.  but i bet while he's making the doc, watching all the highlights and thinking back.  the many what if scenarios must have go through his mind.  

i watched the last dance very late, just 6 months ago, i think.  before watching it, i already watched and read many comments.  one of the most fascinating opinions was about bull's manager.  a lot of people say the doc trashed that manager.  but some say at the end, the documentary actually gave him back some credit.  But in the midst of scott'sanger.  shannonasked a very interesting question, why putting all the scott's embarrassing moment in the doc?  and here's what i believe the reason why.  In the process of making the doc, mike'sview on the manager started to shift.  What if Mike never left?  the coach left, scottleft, but with that general manager's vision, they could acquire tracymcgrady in place of scott, what would happen then?

mike has been managing a team of his own for quite a while now.  his vision has changed since his player year.  I think to include Scott's many embarrassing moments was in his psyche a regret, not letting the manager do his thing.  let the manager manager HR, I will lead whoever he acquired to victory.  And it was the manager, who always viewed scottwasa replaceable piece.  

shannonand many other people said scott's has misdirected his anger at mike.  but i think it's not.  because the value ofscott's inmike's mind should never be replaceable, at least in scott'sview.  but now it does.  if scott's fault is in how he expressed his anger now, mike'sffault is making a documentary and throw his most trusted team mate under the bus because he himself could not stop wondering the what ifs.  

it is truly sad,  because i was one of many who lived and amazed bymike and the chicagobull.  for 20 years, they are the team.  but now the doc brought something out, it felt llike the team was never really there.  and all the effort was fruitless.  the champion is the fruit?  or the team mates?  or the money they made?   it's just sad.  I still loved the game, but i played less and less each year.  I shall still treasure those years and think they are the greatest team andmike the greatest player.  but something is different.  

Sunday, October 31, 2021

asof9394kk

 I feel I am deteriorating.  This condition pretty much mirrored my mom's condition.   


當我還小的時候, 我的母親是我的動力來源。  我會游泳,騎車,打球,都是母親一手促成。  我唸過一些書,會一點算數,有一點知識,能做善惡的分辨也是我母親。  但是人到了某一個時期就應該可以自己產生動能,如果是這樣,就會向外尋找其他的動力來源。  很多時候,都是因著自己的喜惡來決定下一步的走向。  這有點像是在母親肚子裡時,胎兒靠著母親的血液;出生了嬰孩時期,靠著母親的乳汁;孩童時期,有父母的供養。  這時身體和靈性都是還和父母牽連著。  但是到了某一時期,人開始靠著之前的供養,逐漸長成獨立的人。  他會考慮自己的身體健康和心靈的快樂。  我知道,我似乎完全沒有。  可是,在某一方面,我希望自己可以這個樣。  但是,卻完全沒有發生。  在以前,我藉著母親給我的教養來做待人接物。  人人都以為我雖然一事無成,但還是個有教養的人。  可是這三年來,我知道我是每況愈下。  而這種情況連帶拖累我的母親。  

幾年前,舅舅提出了一個具有前瞻的想法。  那就是應該要為母親想想他的下一階段。  我知道母親自己其實是想過的。  不像我,我是沒有想,真正是走一步算一步。  母親覺得自己就這樣平平淡淡的過日子。  可是因為新冠的關係,他和聚會所的真正接觸減少了許多。  而平日的生活又是那樣毫無進展可言。  我不覺得這樣對他的情況會有好處。  但是,這些他或許都可以忍受。  我的沒有進展已是一個精神上的重擔。  

當他跟小瑋在一起的時候,我相信他可以感受到一種人生推進的力量。  但是他平常大部分都和我在一起。  我平常連話都不說,也不知道要說甚麼,要怎麼說。  不僅僅是不說話,連做事情都完全沒個準。  家裡要修的事,我接二連三地說我會做。  沒有一件完成。  我目前除了工作上想要完成的小計畫以外,所有時間都是是看 YT。  我自己也很煩,但是卻是什麼也不做。  除了一直跟自己說全是自己的錯以外,甚麼也不做。  玩遊戲,看書,看電影,幾乎都沒有甚麼興趣了。  如果做了也只是希望修磨時間。  我離開馬斯康三年了,工作一直換。  真正連人際關係都沒有。  我一天講不到三句話。  如果講話,講的話味同嚼蠟,因為都是一樣的東西。  媽媽很輝想辦法要我說話,就問我一些他知道我比較熟習的話題,但是,真的,我又能講出啥新意來呢?!  

母親不能睡,我的母親也一直瘦,我想到我的貓,他在死前也是一直瘦。  

Friday, October 29, 2021

States of being

 When I was born, I knew nothing of this world.  my state of being is pretty much blank.  

When I start to perceive though, my state of being changed.  At the very beginning, it was wet and dark.  There might sound sound and vibration, but they are muffled.  But after being exposed to the outside word, the sound and vibration was intensifying, I am not sure how much light I could perceive, but it certainly astounded me.  I was silent, and in silence I hold my breath.  But suddenly, a violent vibration on my buttocks.  I did not know I have a behind, but the vibration sent a quick jolt from that area! I can no longer stay quiet.  I cannot hold out any longer, I need to react.  I cried.  And so came in my first breath of air.  My first state of being was then complete.  

Currently I am sitting and doing nothing.  How I come to be at this state was definitely not by sitting and waiting.  

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

小時候的歌

 紅紅的太陽下山啦,伊呀黑,呀黑。

成群的羊兒回家啦,伊呀黑,呀黑。

小小羊兒要回家,伊呀黑,呀黑。

小小羊兒跟著媽,有黑有黃也有白,你們可曾知道哇(你們可曾吃飽啊)?

天色已暗啦,星星也亮啦,小小羊兒跟著媽,不要怕,不要怕。 

我把燈兒,點著啦,伊呀黑,呀黑,伊呀黑,呀黑,伊呀黑,呀黑。


---------------------------------------------


是很久很久以前,是媽媽告訴我。

在好深好深的夜裡,有位虎姑婆。 

愛哭的孩子不要哭,他會咬你的腳指頭。  

還記得,還記得,是媽媽告訴我,

虎姑婆別咬我,愛哭的孩子睡著了。


Tuesday, October 19, 2021

歌詞摘錄

 正在錄製成長路的聽書。  故事裡提到一首歌,作者翻譯成 皇天冥冥保佑人。  我很好奇地去看看原文,這首歌的英文是 【Rock of Age】。  很好奇聽起來是怎樣的。  就去 YT 找找,還滿好聽的。  有趣的是這題目並沒有明顯的聖經出處。  有一篇網路上的文章舉了幾個聖經章節。  雖然不是逐字逐句地從聖經上來,但是很明顯作者對聖經非常非常熟悉。  資錄歌詞如下:


Rock of Ages

Christian hymn written by Augustus M. Toplady, with music by Thomas Hastings in 1762

Rock of ages cleft for me

Let me hide myself in Thee
Let the water and the blood
be of sin the double cure
Save from wrath and make me pure

From thy riven side which flowed

Not the labors of my hands 
can fulfill Thy law's commands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow, 
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone. 
Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I clin;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.
While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.  


一篇文章裡提到的聖經章節用來說明題目在聖經裡可能得出處:

Exodus 33: 20-23 But He said, "You cannot see My face, for no man can see Me and live !" Then the LORD said, "Behold, there is a place by Me, and you shall stand there on the rock; and it will come about, while My glory is passing by, that I will put you in the cleft of the rock and cover you with My hand until I have passed by. Then I will take My hand away and you shall see My back, but My face shall not be seen."

Saturday, October 16, 2021

A discussion

 A couple weeks ago, I heard an interesting discussion about teaching.  My cousin and his girlfriend are traditional Chinese martial art teachers, so was the friend they had the discussion.  

I remember what lead to the discussion was about what they think they should be called  by their students.  The friend told her students to call her 師父.  When she first got the school, everyone called her 師姐, it's natural, because they were all students to the previous master.  But one day out of blue, she got a call from the old master, who told her, she should let other students start to call her 師父.

My cousin and his GF, started to asking each other what should their students call them?  They said they never thought about it.  Their students always refer to  them by their names.  And from there on, the discussion sometimes went to what this title meant.  And then it turned into another interesting direction.  It is about how should they teach their students.  The friend said she thought many students behave badly.  They need to be reminded.  My cousin and his GF said they are reluctant to do so.  But the friend said if it's adult class, she cannot do too much.  But if it's kids class, she said they are more like a clean slate, she should teach them.  My cousin and Michelle, said they rather have the kids realizes something by themselves.  

As I was listening, I find it interesting.  I was thinking it's a difference between USAn (the friend) and Chinese(my cousin and his GF, although they are USAns as well).  But then I thought of opposite examples from both sides as well.  If the thought was around American and Chinese, I think it's kind missing the point.  Like the previous Tiger Mom discussion.  I bet there are some scary USAn moms too.  And I feel my cousin's upbringing kind of reflect his current attitude.  So, again, it's still a individual family styles, don't matter where you are from.  

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Tree company ruined front yard

    My neighbor hired a company(East Coast Tree Remove company) to cut trees in his back yard.  They came yesterday with a huge cram and biggest wood chipper I've ever seen.  They occupied the whole street.  It was loud and dusty  When I came home, I saw them setup right in front of my house, they even blocked my drive way.  I had to park in four houses down.  Anyway, they made a huge mess.  My front yard was totally ruined by them.  Because when the cram brought those huge tree trunks to the streets they swung wildly in my yard.  It's not just once, or twice, they consistently hit my dahlia again and again, my sedum on one side was ruined as well.  And my lamp post was hit, the light fixture was completely knocked off, the post loosened.  And the trunks hit my wall so many times and left tree tunk's marks.  They came at 7 am in the morning and worked around 8.  I was at Mao's at 6, Mom called me saying that she cannot get online.  Then around 8, she called again saying that all the neighbors were outside, and she had not electricity so she stepped out to see what's going on.  Nick, my neighbor saw her and yelled don't come out!  There's live wire  in front of our house.  I heard from a neighbor saying when he came home last night, there're police cars, fire trucks, and national grid trucks everywhere.   Mom said she cannot get online either.  When I got home last night, the electricity was back, but no internet.  There's one cable lying on my drive way, which I guessed is the internet cable.  Mom said the neighbor who hired the company came by to say he will take care of the mess.  I called the internet company, they said they already had an appointment scheduled for tomorrow at 12-2pm.  

    I got up to take lots of pictures on the damage next morning.  And after talking to my sister on the phone, I went and tried to address my concern about the damages.  John was not in, her wife Denise told me John will give me a call, which he did.  And by noon time, the cable guy came and put up a new wire.  But frankly that cable guy sucks, because he did not even take the downed cable off my property!  The tree company had a guy came over trying to fix the light fixture, helped me to take the damaged internet cable off my property.  But the light fixture he bought was damaged, so he left to get a new one.  Then the other guy from the company showed up, I feel like I saw the guy before, he was in the tree cutting crew yesterday, but I am not sure.  Mom was adamant on seeing him fix the lamp and to make sure the lamp is not wobbly.  The road in front of us was ruined.  She made sure he fixed it.  But she is not satisfied with the repair job at all.  But most of all, our dahlia was so ruined.  She was mad, and wanted to ask for money.  The guy kept saying these are perennials, they will grow back.  And  I was so naïve and said I was going to save the bulbs anyway.  So the guy basically left without doing anything for the flowers.  Later, when I was accessing the damage, I truly regretted for what I said.  We should ask for dollar repayment.  There's no way that company should come and ruined a patch my yard and left not scathed!  And in the morning, my house was filled with spider webs.  I bet it's from the trees that got cut down.  They must have left us with lots of insets and bugs in my yard.    

    
    After the guy left, my mom and I went out for a walk.  We were checking the condition of the road surface and saw a lot of gouges on the road.  We talked to Nick for a while, his wife Sandy said she even called police when she saw the cram in the morning.  Nick also mentioned that the company got be able to handle these damages with their own insurance.  My mom thought it's absolutely crucial to show and talk to John.  So we immediately went and talk to him.  We showed him the gouges and ruined dahlias.  He said he will call the Andover Town about the road.  And he will tell his landscape company to take a look at our yard.  And he will talk to the company again.  But he is very focused on the trees in his backyard.  Because apparently the cop came last night to stop the operation.  John still got a big trunk half cut in his back yard.  And he is even more concerned about two dead trees behind his house though they are not in his property, one belonged to Emily, the other one is Ryan, another neighbor on the Howell drive.   

And I have to say, the attitude of the company was horrendous.  I called the company to lodge a complain, when I mentioned I was almost hit, in fact I was hit by the tree trunk twice while I was in my yard.  The first time I was a bit close to the road, about 6 feet.  The second time I was 5 feet in front of my front door, after they've already broke my lamp post.  The lady on the phone was laughing, saying I should not be there when the tree crew were working.  I feel the company was assholes from top to bottom.  I cannot stand 5 feet away from my front door?  How close was their chance to hit my house?