The Weather Experiment 觀後感

寶寶是個好貓貓，他是一個黃金貓。

他有漂亮的大眼睛，還有迷人的鬍鬚！

I finished the book a while ago.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and keep wanting to write something down after finishing it.  Keep wanting to write a whole essay with a central theme keep delaying my effort to write anything!  le sigh.  A scatter brain can only produce random thoughts with not collective theme.  I will go where ever I want to go then.  Ah, a beauty of Randomness...  

It's been a while so let me think...  The book starts with something weird, if I remember correctly.  It first talked about the view on science became a fad in the beginning of the 19th century.  I remembered that book started with an English artist, who claimed to use science for his technique when painting cloud and natural lights.  The I remember the book started by talking some English people started to catalogue different kinds of clouds.  After that I remember the book talked about telegraph, and he mentioned about morse codes.  Then there're people studying storms patters, what is a storm?  With European Navy in Caribbean sea, and every ship can pass the news around, it's like a net with notes.  People could start to draw maps and how storms progressed.  And I also remember some people at USA studying pattering of falling trees in New York or somewhere near USA northeastern, many people also started to advancing hypothesis what is a storm?   Then there was a scientist tried to study the atmosphere by flying hot air balloon, and take measure of pressure, humidity...etc at different heights.  Then there's the tragedy of Robert FitzRoy, who was famous for being the captain of Darwin's trip, in which Darwin formed hypothesis of Evolution.  RF was also an accomplished sea captain.  His legacy was in establishing Meteorology department for England.  He was the first one to use the word "forcast".  He is the one who put first daily weather report in the newspaper.  He also distribute barometers for all the seamen, including local fishermen.  Because He himself used barometer extensively to watch for storms and gales.  I remembered a story, where he avoided a catastrophe while he and his family were returning form New Zealand.  He also established land stations around England Isles to gather weather reports using telegraph.  His tragedy came first with Darwin's theory of Evolution, the second came with his weather prediction.  He killed himself at the end, by using his razor.  

I felt that the tragedy of RF was the theme of the book, especially after he published the first weather report, which has the similarity as current scientists predicting climate change.  One of the interesting thing about RF's weather report was that the purpose of which was to save seamen's lives.  So he had this gale warning system set up so that when the warning was on, no ship should go out.  The owners hated this system, because they would lose money.  But the majority of the seamen liked the idea.  I remember some full time scientist also made fun of the report.  I agree that RF is not a full time scientist.  But he did use the scientific knowledge well for his own purposes as a seaman.  He firmly believed barometer was the key to avoid major disaster on the ocean.  And he used this knowledge and awareness to do good for his fellow ocean goers.  I can imagine the weather report at that time would not be as accurate as now.  I remembered when I was younger in Taiwan people joke about the phrases they used in forcast, "晴時多雲偶陣雨", which pretty much covered all the weather conditions...  lol  But it's the thought that really counts.  And I think from that thought, came the improvement.  

I think this kind of book is really important.  Because it gives many people a glance of what science is.  What does the role of a scientist has in a society.  But most important of all is that, the book presents a lot of characters who was not trained scientists, but they either have faith in scientific method, or they have a single pursuit of a truth behind a phenomenon(weather related, or telegraph...), or they have a practical experience using the knowledge derived from scientific method.  They all contributed to our understanding to the world around us.  To me it is important, because science is not just for scientists.  It's a method for everyone to use, to verify knowledge, so called facts, believes, even to test what science is.  

Although I do wonder now, that science seemed to became too deep, too elitism.  But it is important to remember that both science and art are born from the common men.  And in the midst of them, through argument, hypothesis, trials and errors, a continuing pursuit for truth, time and energy spent, by our fellow people, science became that way.  But in the most basic and humble forms, everyone can employ it for their practical use.  

Motherless Brooklyn 小說觀後感

這本書我借了又還借了又還前後三次。  這一次終於下定決心看完。  看完後，有點吃驚， 因為他和電影完全不一樣。   

我不知道 Tourette's 真實的情況是怎樣的。  但是，我覺得這本書把這個病症描述的很徹底。  

我其實還是跳著看，所以有的地方看不大清楚。  

最後一百頁讓我感覺比較爽快，因為前面的部分令我感覺迷惑。  似乎看不到一點答案。  最後一百頁的時候，一下子謎團解除，而且，主角逐漸知道方向在哪裡， 也有助於謎團給我的懊惱，或著是說給主角的懊惱。

書本的故事是真正在描述紐約客的觀點，主角甚至一輩子沒有離開過紐約市！ 

我覺得這是一本很普通的偵探小說。  美國的偵探小說往往更著重於角色的描述，而這種描述也往往有一種很通俗的寫法。  這種寫法在電影，小說，甚至電腦遊戲裡都有。  Max Payne 就是一個代表。   很大的程度上，這本小說很有這種味道。  我認為小說裡值得一提的是主角的變化。  主角和他的三個夥伴都是孤兒，對於把他們提拔長大的人有著很深感情，但是當這個人死了後，只有主角認真的要找出原因和兇手。  我覺得救世主角的這份感情和執著，讓這本小說出色！  

在這裡也可以稍微談到電影，我覺得在電影裡，我只對主角有認識，但是在書本裡，我把其他人和主角的關係才搞得清楚一點。  這很重要，因為這才增加主角的價值。   在電影裡，我覺得就很難做到這一點，書本裡常常回憶和回到過去，雖說也要好幾個段落，甚至章節才能涵蓋過去。  但是在電影裡，要做的這麼細膩就很困難。  我想這也是為啥電影裡需要一個大壞人做反角，比較容易上電影有張力。  

kept I for 理由 blog

我寫這個網誌已經很多年了, 竟然已經累積八百多篇。 我自己回頭看一看也很驚訝！

當初，我為什麼要寫這個網誌呢？  原因只有一個，就是這裡沒有人看！  基本上只是想要把這裡當作日記。  這數量遠遠沒有日記的水準。  但是，畢竟也記錄了自己所看到的， 所想的，所聞的，所嚐的。  

我很希望可以更進一步，就是整理自己的的思緒，如果我有任何思緒的話。  幻想未來的可能性。  當我前天情緒極度波動的情況下，我坐在車上想要開向某個方向，卻完全不能想出一個地方，腦袋或許不是空白，卻象煮滾的開水，只有水蒸氣和很大很大的泡泡冒出來。  這令我的懊惱成倍的增加。  

幻想未來的可能性並不是為了空白的滿足精神上的需要， 而是希望能繼而計畫，最後執行。  我很清楚自己的弱點就是， 當一個想法或著希望產生時，我在精神上已感到完美結果的喜悅。  但是這喜悅卻令自己不敢前進！  因為腦袋幻想的完美和手上產生的粗糙，是自己完全不能接受的！  這在我現在不再畫畫很有關係！  但是越不畫，在日月的推遲下就越糟。  現在還在講自我的建立實在是慢了，但是再不講，連一步步的腳印都不可能有了。  我還寫這個網誌幹嘛？！  真要見證自己的慢性自殺嗎？！

試試看哪！  幻想未來，計畫現在，執行計畫。  我連想的勇氣都沒有，其餘不用想了。

一首惠德曼的詩的一段

Walt Witman

I'm not to speak to you, 

I am to think of you.

When I sit alone,

or wake at night alone,

I am to wait, 

I do not doubt 

I am to see you again.  

I am to see to it

that I do not lose you."

Which poem??  (Leaves of Grass)

from Bone season 6 Ep14

What's in my mind right now - Speed writing without thinking

Blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank...................

What if we just switch channel.  You know, to finish bones series. 

Oh, no, another porno thought.  oh, wait why do you stop

Grrrrrr.....  Stop stop stop, what like that motherless brooklyn novle??   

Tick tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick

You do know it just meant blank blank blank blank blank blank blank, right?  

Seely Booth Temperance Bones Angel Sweets Dr. Saroyan...   Can't help it, was watching it...  

Need to deliver to my cousin some grocery.  

Today is really hot, humid.  That indian actress was really cute.  She's young.  That's why.  

Oh, no. 

Nothing, do I want to hide something even from myself?  

Yeah, I was afraid for another horny thought.  But it turned out no.  She's cute.  

Shining, one of those first glance and shine type.  immediately grabbed the eyes.  

What am I thinking?  

Or maybe i should call now?  

I was delivering to Aunt HuYin some food my mom made.  She really kind wanted to talk.  I still want to make a video for Ashby.  I know she's still upset about Ashby.  That devotion, that bond from that young age, that closeness, plus Ashby's uniqueness.  The difference between a pet and human friends, was the closeness that we could get when maybe only a human baby and its parents can feel.  When baby became boy, people starts to be careful about education which creates distance.  When the kids became adults, parents scared to become a burden to the child which also creates distance.  Pets, does not have that problem.  That closeness was never lost, especially when human would never put their pets to the human standards.  They are pet, simple as that.  You can pour all the love of a baby you want towards it.  You can also educated it, make it cultured.  When that happened, it somehow does not creates distance, but strengthens the bond.  Because you instill a bit culture in them and it makes the pets even closer to you as a human-esque being.  How about that, I cannot find my draft to do the video, I think I have my first draft!  

萬疾之王 備註

I forgot to mention something interesting to me from the book, Cancer Emperor of all maladies.  

To name something is very important in science.  The reason why it is important can be shown in the example of naming leukemia.  

The disease of leukemia was not discovered by Rudolf Ludwig Carl Virchow.  John Hugh Bennet was also mentioned in the book.  Dr. Bennet tried to guess the reason or the cause of the disease, he thinks it's a "suppuration of blood."  Dr. Virhow on the other hand did not guess the cause of the disease, he saw blood in white color so he named it "weisses blut", later changed it into a more academic name in latin root, "leukemia".  The book elaborated that by not assuming the cause of the disease, the name opened up for a real scientific inquiry into the cause of the disease.  

I think it's quite interesting.  

I checked Wiki, there're many doctors described the disease of Leukemia before Dr. Virchow:

"Velpeau (1825), Donné (1844), Bennett (1845), Craigie (1845), Virchow (1845), and Fuller (1846)"

The name of Leukemia was adopted, the reason is because the name described something in its appearance but not its cause.  

萬疾之王 觀後感

I just finished the book: Cancer, the emperor of maladies.  I spend 2 -3 years on and off, to finish the book.  It was what should I say...an incredible book, long and detailed, the narrative was very easy to follow with clear sentence, and organized in such a logical order, that I could understand.  

This is a book of history, a history of cancer, a history of how we human identify it; how we tried to treat it; it filled with history, science, and politics.  Science was not the central topic of the book, but the book cannot escape from discussing it.  How and what science is, became a intense focus here.  As I am experiencing the pandemic of Coronavirus, some of the points in the books became even more relevant, and brings me to a new perspective.  

I think one of the most intriguing  idea I got from the book was the argument of how science should be conducted?  Should the government or an organization pour all its resource towards a planned goal?  Or should we let scientists decide where their scientific interest lead them?  It came from a historic sentence in the book when somebody told President Roosevelt, 

"...In the winter of 1945, Vannevar Bush had written to President Roosevelt, 'The striking advances in medicine during the war have been possible only because we had a large backlog of scientific data accumulated through basic research in many scientific fields in the years before the war.'" (Book chapter 43)

The example could said about DNA, 

"..., Avery and his colleagues reported in 1944 that genes were carried by one chemicals, deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA.  What scientists had formerly disregarded as a form of cellular stuffing with no real function -- a "stupid molecule," as the biologist Max Delbruck once called it dismissively..." (Book Chapter 37)

DNA was discovered 1869 by Swiss Researcher, Friedrick Miescher.  This paragraph I think really highlighted Mr. Bush's words.  And for this book about Cancer, which showed how we use this knowledge to design the Targeted Treatment we used now.  The whole thing could be traced back to the mid- 19th century.  This is really fascinating!  

The view on science itself was often expressed against a goal oriented grand scientific plan for a nation.  And author used the whole book to prove this thesis.  I think this was expressed best in the chapter 15, but what's the reason of writing this?  Because in the political realms, this view was impatiently shut down.  In terms of politics, timely results is everything.    When the lobbyists pushed for a war on cancer,basic science was shunned.  If we looked at the pandemic right now.  We can suddenly understand why some people would rush to swallow medications that's not much use to them, instead hurt them sometimes.  From the present, we can also understand why so many doctors would try radical surgery or chemo therapists were trying to find more toxic chemicals try to cure cancers.  Because like some examples from the this book, dying patients have no time.  

But I'd say some people well versed in politics will say, well, it's a problem of direction.  They choose the wrong way.  But I feel that urgency would always trump the importance.  Which meant that looking for effective chemotherapy will always comes first.  The basic science of biology will always be in the background, especially in term of political debate.  

For me personally, I can see how messy it is to find cure, even now.  I remember when 蕭婆婆 got the cancer 20 years ago.  One of my uncle's friend was in research of cancer tried to comfort my aunt, targeted treatment was mentioned.   But she past away not long after.  I did not know the detail.  But I know, the treatment was not effective.  But 5 years ago, one of my uncle's friend, got breast cancer.  And she's still alive today.  I think the treatment must've been improved now.  It's a long struggle, it's messy.  I hope it helped me to understand.  Because I only like to do things when I totally grasped the procedure, the effect.  But often,  it is not the case.  I still need to move forward as mess was left behind, and hope that continuous action can get  a fix in the future... 

Togo afterthought

我花了兩個晚上看了一部電影叫做 Togo.  在講一隻狗的故事。  這是一個真實的故事。  事情發生在西元 一九二五年的一個大風雪中。  當時為了要救一個偏遠村落的眾多小孩，Seppala 君和當時的一群狗狗雪橇手在大風雪中接力把救小孩的藥給送到那個村落。  總共是廿個雪橇手，一百五十隻雪橇狗，共六百七十英里。  其中兩百六十英里是 Togo 跑的。  這事情是當時的大新聞， 被稱作： Great race of mercy 和 The great serum run.  

我很喜歡這電影。  這裡面有很多危險場景，當然是電腦繪製，但是我覺得有超過一半的場景是去 阿拉斯加實地拍攝的。  畫面通常不是很重要，但是我覺得現在能夠看到實地拍攝的場景是很難地的。  那些狗狗的表演也因為真實，常常讓我驚嘆！

電影不斷在過去和現在的場景交替出現，我覺得這應該是很正常的事。  因為要給觀眾看到 Togo 和 Seppala 君和其夫人那種濃厚的關係，這種手法有其必要。  但是在節奏上掌握得很精當，不會給我有任何搶鏡或混亂的感覺。  另外在回憶的時候，我覺得演 Seppala 君的 William Dafoe 君和演Seppala 夫人的 Julianne Nicholson 在情感上掌握的十分恰當， 不會過分感情化。  也因為這樣， 感情壓抑更襯托出激動的時候，情緒翻湧的強度足以撼動我的心情。  

狗的名字叫做 Togo，來源是 東鄉平八郎。  我查了一下，名字其實是聽過的， 但是有點不確定。  是日本最有名的海軍元帥。  成名之戰就是和日俄戰爭中，率領日本海軍一舉擊潰太平洋列強之一的俄國，當時無人看好日本。  在電影裡， 給這隻狗取這個名字是因為 Seppala 君一開始也不看好 Togo，甚至兩次想把它給掉!  Togo 最後以八個月的年齡取得雪橇狗的資格。  在電影裡，Seppala 君給這隻狗取這個名字， 因為他覺得 Togo 和 東鄉平八郎一樣， 都是 "underdog" ！

食譜: 杏仁豆腐

There was a time when my uncle's friend was sharing her  世界日報 with them.  We got a chance to read them as well.  It always came with a special magazine 世界周刊 on Sunday.  My mom loved the recipes from those special magazine.  She clip those recipes into her folders like when she's younger.  That's an old habit of hers.   She used to do that for herself, then when we were born, she used to do it for us, from newspaper like 國語日報.  

We are in a heat wave these few days.  Lucky for me, Mom was already preparing for it.  She dug into her collection of magazine/newspaper clips.  There it is: 水果杏仁豆腐!  2009 08 30 世界周刊, by 葳莉.  

The name has "Tofu" in it, but it does not have contain tofu.  It combined evaporated milk with unflavored gelatin to make something looks like Tofu.  It was really good.  It taste cold and refreshing withou overwhelmingly sweet taste.  I really liked it!!  

The recipe is here:

Ingredient:

Evaporated Milk (1 can of 354 ml)

Almond powder Instant (5 tsp) (My mom made from Raw almond, roasted, then food processed)

Gelatin (unflavored, 21g, little inner page should be 7g/pack)

Pure Almond Extract (1/4 tsp)

White cane sugar (10 tsp for gelatin mix in Large container, 5 tsp for the last step)

Can fruit (1 can of 425g)

Steps:

1. Open and Pour out Evaporated Milk to a Large container.  Put the empty can aside.  

2. Put Almond Powder (my mom roasted the raw almond and ground the almond using a processor) instant 5 tsp into the empty can, filled it with hot water until 2/3 full, stir until the powder and water mixed, then fill the can until full.  Then pour everything into the Large container with milk.  Repeat the process, mix second Almond Powder instant  with hot water , and pour into the large Large container. (total 2 cans of mixed Almond Powder instant water mix) 

3. Repeat step 2, but with 21g. of Gelatin, with only 1 can of hot water!  Pour into the Large container, then add Pure Almond Extract(1/4 tsp), and White cane sugar (recipe asked for 10 tsp, my mom added only 5, and it tasted just fine).  Wait for it to cool, then put in the refrigerator for consolidation.  

4. Pour a can of fruit in a Large Bowl, and use the empty fruit can to put 2 cans of cold water in the Large Bowl.  Then added White cane sugar (Recipe asked for 5 tsp, my mom added 2.5 tsp, it tasted great), mixed it well.  In the Large container, use half of the gelatin, cut the gelatin into small rectangular shape, 3-4 cm height, pour into the Large Bowl.  Put in the refrigerator for at least 1-2 hours, or until the almond flavor from the gelatin seeped into the the mixture.  Take it out and serve after 1-2 hours.  

5. The other half gelatin can be stored for up to 2-3 days to make another batch!!  

Cannot use flavored gelatin.  

I want to make a video out of it.  Need to plan how.  

Random

Mei said her sister has some clothes for my mom.  So I went and got it today.  

It was quite empty compared to the last time I went to Boston, maybe last year?  Mei kept telling me there're more people today since Covid-19 broke out.   And most of the stores were still closed, many of them boarded.  Those are for the protesters though.  There were temporary signs forbidding parking at meters for special events, which I guess are protests.   The whole thing felt kind eerie.  

I went to a Chinese market, it still filled with people though.  And the places are so small and narrow, there's no room for "social distancing".  Then I drove Mei to brookline.  It was quite pretty, so I got off the car to take a walk.  There are so many brick houses, and everywhere I see interesting landscapes.  Not every house are designed, but most are.  So as long as you keep the house relatively quaint, it will be just fine.  The place I live was already quite pretty, but brookline really breathes with age, which brought something entirely different.  

I am not jealous though.  Just thinking about the upkeep makes my head ache.  lol  

The clothes were quite small for Mom, but she will keep some.  Mei asked me if I want to go in to see her sister.  I said no.  Mom thinks I should, at least to see how petite her sister is.  Mom cannot imagine such a petite lady.  

I saw Balitmore Oriole while walking around the Brookline neighborhood.  Its coat was shining with orange and black stripes.  I think it is Baltimore Oriole...  

----------------------

My sister went to Connecticut.  She told me that one of her brothers there past away.  Sadly I did not have much memory of that brother.  But my sister was quite emotional, said that brother really reminded her of our father.  That brother also came to Boston Chinese meeting every month when the Chinese group first started in 1990s.  Mom was shocked when she got the news as well.  

rant

i haven't really talked significantly today.  then i just ranted to my mom about some talk shows she loves to watch, saying those shows talk none sense and ridiculed the show right in front of her.  

WHY??????????????????????????????????????????????????????

i already told myself not to engage in such conversation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

those people talk with what they thought, i did not.  and i literally ranted!  

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

樹和他的蟲子們

I cut my shrubs all day today.  all 8 of them.  I know they were infested, but not sure the extent of it until I started to cut them.  It was kind gross and scary, the powder just flied out of the shrubs as I was cutting them.  And the white egg sacs were all over the leaves on the tree and off the tree, like a snow or sugar coating.  I told mom and then we went to a garden center in Tewksbury.  The people there seemed knowledgeable.  When I showed them the picture, the person there said it's a hemlock.  But they showed me a solution to kill the bugs not by spraying, but by feeding the root system and when the bugs drinks the sap from the shrubs, they will be killed.   Sounds like the Roundup, but instead of killing weed through roots, this time, bugs.  And it also said don't do it until the flower season past, otherwise I guess the bees will get hammered.  So we came home and I said I will finished cutting the shrubs first and wait until flower season is over to apply the chemical.  

But man, oh man, it was like a convection sugar...  It was spooky.  At night I was trying to research what is a hemlock.  The name refers to 2 kinds of plants actually.  One is poison hemlock, the other is actually an evergreen, looks just like my tree.  Yew in Chinese is 紫杉；hemlock is 鐵杉。  The only telltale sign maybe its fruit.  Yew produced a red berry like fruit, hemlock the evergreen produces something that looks like a small pine cone.  I also remembered the garden center person mentioned my bug's name is wooly adelgid.  So I looked it up, but I thought my bug is actually mealybug, although I do wonder why I never see a bug similar in pictures.   But the wooly adelgid's picture was not right either, the reason the eggs showed in pictures were shown lying along the leaf shoots, and although eggs are white, but the shape is rounded.  And finally, I saw another page by Umass Amherst about pest for taxus and other plants, one of them is cottony camellia scale.  Their egg sac are white, underside of leaves, and long rectangular shaped.  I think this is the bug!  

I was thinking of cutting all the shrubs, but it's expensive to cut and replace.  I hope my spiders and other bugs could hunt the infestation, but looking at the spread, I don't think so.  But I resist the idea of spray in fear that it could harm my other bugs.  Looking the chemical I got today, it's worse...  I don't see another way out though.   

PS, I see mealybugs now, lots of them, while I was cutting crown of the trees.  I saw spiders and other bugs.  I am really nervous I might killed the whole squad of them.  I am thinking I might have multiple pests, scales, and mealybugs...  

老房子

I watched a few Old House video today.  One was about patchy lawn, another one about how to prevent ice dams, another one about whole house energy audit, and the last one was how to fix a crack in the concrete foundation.  

I suddenly see this show as an important and integral part of the whole construction industry.  The show is mainly educational.  But while they demonstrate many how to's, explain the process, and industrial standard, they also let common people feel empowered to do it by themselves.  And they showed people what option they have if they want to find  contractor.  Like the one with crack in concrete foundation, I was amazed on new industrial inventions; and the ones in whole house audit, it showed off the infra light camera to discern the cold and hot space within a wall, and the low pressure test?  I mean we had energy guys came in to do the work, but they did not use low pressure test.  That would be way cool...  

I will recorded what I saw today about lawn:

1. They used a thatcher on one lawn, but not on a new lawn, the guy said it can wait for another 3 years before using a thatcher machine.  

2. They used a  core aerator machine to pull plugs of soil out of the lawn, so the water, air, and nutrients are easier to go into the soil.  

3. Then in order to improve the soil, the guy always used compost.  He throw the compost on the lawn directly all over the place, then use the back of the rake to flatten the compost.  He said to put half to one inch of compost.  

4. Then he used a high phosphorus fertilizer to promote the roots growth.  Phosphorus promotes root growth, the nitrogen promotes upper, grass blade growth.  The best time to do the seeding is fall.  Summer is too hot, disturbing the soil too much, it will dry out.  And then your seeds need to compete with Crab grass and other weeds.  

5.  Rye grass is more shade tolerate.  Blue grass is sun tolerated.  

Oh, and I also watched crab apple tree pruning and how to deal with ants.  

Tomorrow, I am going to cut my yews, it was infested with mealy bugs to the point, they are on my lawn as well.  My strategy is to do extreme cutting, it's going to be ugly and the tree might die during the summer...  But I don't want to do the spray thing...  If all fails, I'll have to cut my yews down.  Then my front house would be bare...  

南瓜花捲

Mom wanted to make a traditional Chinese pumpkin braided rolls.  She already had a video prepared for quite a while now.  I think if she slept well on Saturday night, she would be doing this yesterday.  But I accidentally put Sound of Music on at 9:30 pm.  She could not stop watching it until the movie finished.  She did not sleep all night after the movie.  I guess there're certain point at night that she has to go to bed, otherwise, she does not have time to get enough rest.  

She's not well today though better than yesterday.  I helped her doing the rolls by providing muscles while she was doing chili.  The first thing was to cut the pumpkin to small pieces, seeded it, and steamed it until tender.  Then we meshed the steamed pumpkins without skins.  We mixed the meshed pumpkin with flour and yeast.  The flour and pumpkin ratio probably around 2:1.2, in weight?   We made 南瓜饅頭 before, but the color was disappointing, it's off white, virtually no yellow at all.  This time, we made sure no extra water were added, mixing with just flours using moist from steamed and meshed pumpkin.  I knead the doll for almost 2 hours because I'm not sure how much flour did I need.  The above ratio was only a guideline, so that when I want to do it next time, I could have a baseline of flour, rather than adding 1 cup, mix, adding another cup, mix....to see if the dole was ready.  

I used the whole pumpkin, but at the beginning, I only planned to use half.  I used all, because the recipe video mom used did not give us a quantity of the pumpkin used.  It only mentioned how many yeast, and how much flour, which was 800 g.  Anyway, I end up using whole pumpkins with 800+ g.  

Those 2 hours of kneading was quite frustrating.  the dough was shaggy for a long time, I tried to knead and wait for 15 minutes a couple times.  But it stays very shaggy, I even pull out a little piece and tried window pane test.  After almost 2 hours, I gave up, the dough was forming and improving.  But when I pulled a little piece from it, the edge was still shaggy.  The dough did start to spring back to shape.  Mom checked the dough and said it's ok now.  But she must observe my frustration.   

We wrapped and oiled the dough and wait  for about an hour and half.  The dough grew in size nicely, the color was pure gold.  and the result was pretty good as well.  It's soft and slightly sweet, without sugar!  Hope we could recreate the process next time.  

Robin the bird

在烏洒的麻州有一種鳥非常容易辨識。  每年見到這種鳥就知道春天來了。 他褐色的背上有一點黑紋，胸腹部是橘色的。 就是那個橘色，讓人一見就不容易忘記。  我查過他的名字，叫做 Robin。  介紹的文章還說這種鳥在歐洲也有的。

但是，如果仔細看就會發現歐洲和烏洒的 Robin 很不一樣！  原來，同樣的名字卻是兩個不同種的鳥。  光從圖上比較，我覺得烏洒的 Robin 有脖子，歐洲的沒有。  另外身子大小也是明顯不同。 烏洒 Robin 的頭飾黑色的。  所以我再深入的查一查，發現 烏洒的 Robin 屬於 Thrush Family；歐洲的 Robin 屬於舊世界的一種鳥叫做 Flycatcher (或著應該是全名是 舊世界 flycathcer)。  烏洒的 Robin 實際上應該是北美洲 Robin，冬天的時候會飛到南方甚至墨西哥去避冬，春天回到北方甚至加拿大北部和烏洒的阿拉斯加。  另外，北美洲的是歐洲的兩倍大！

有趣的地方是， 討論串提到， 在英國歐洲 Robin 通常是冬天的鳥，當人們看到他時，人們就知道冬天來了。  這和北美洲布一樣。  另外，我想當歐洲人的移民第一次見到北美 Robin 時，第一時間就叫 Robinobin，一定是那鮮豔的橘色。  一般動物的名字總是以第一印象為主， 全世界大概都是一樣的。  但是， 生物學家不一樣。  到了現在， 還往往要用 DNA 再次鑑定分類。  但是，科學的第一步就是看見不同，聽見不同，嚐到不同，碰到不同，之後再逐漸斷怎樣不同。。。  DNA  似乎否定了某些感官上的不同，但是其實 仍離不太遠吧。 



















                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     






















.

外婆過世

這是我剛剛出生一兩個月的事情吧。 我外婆過世了。  外婆的死因是蜘蛛網膜出血。 

媽媽昨天提到這事情。  我剛剛出生，住在日本的外婆堅持要回來帶外孫。  他們家的老大雖然在大陸十年前就有孫子可以抱了。  可是外婆抱不到，因為海峽兩隔。  或許這也是他堅持回來的原因, 雖說媽媽叫他不要回來。  2013 年我去蘇州的時候，大姨提到那時在日本的外婆是很累的。  因為外公的喜好，外婆剛從美國回來不久就為了打掃在日本的屋子，忙得不可開交。  或許也正是外婆剛從美國回到日本， 母親不要外婆回台灣帶孫子。  但是，他還是來了，結果一到桃園機場，就摔了一跤（忘了是誰說的，要考證）。  

媽說，那一天，我剛好滿月，可是帶我的奶媽有事情離開，他當時一個人在景美，分身乏術。  外婆那時在南昌街他們的舊家。  毛婆婆打電話說外婆頭痛的厲害。  媽媽只好先把我放到大嫂愛秋家。 同一時間，外婆已經被送去宏恩醫院了。  之後，頭痛依舊。  媽媽在和舅婆通過電話後，他們轉到中心診所。  外婆以前就常去中心診所，一去就去看他們經常去的腸胃科醫生（頭痛卻去看腸胃科, 不懂），黃天賜醫生。  醫生一看外婆的眼睛，就斷定是腦血管破裂。  馬上轉腦神經科。  這故事我聽過很多遍，但是我從來沒問過爸爸作為中醫有沒有說什麼。  昨天就問問看, 媽媽說爸爸沒有看出來是腦神經吧。  

問題診斷出來後，接下來的問題就是要否開刀？  爸爸在把過外婆的脈後認為已經不行了，媽媽說她相信爸爸的診斷，認為開刀只是帶來痛苦，並不能挽救回來。  結果外公很生氣，甚至還跟葉婆婆說媽媽不孝。  最後在這個情況下，外婆進入了開刀房，再也沒有醒來。  之前，外公要媽媽給手術醫生三萬塊的紅包。  在我的認識裡，這種事是很常見的事。  媽媽說住院, 紅包都是媽媽自己的錢。  

寫出來只是稍微紀錄一下。  

7/20/21

媽媽看了我寫的到舅舅家紀錄的故事。  稍微又補充了一下當時的情況。 我出生十一月廿日，剛好滿月的時候，十二月廿日外婆去住院。  住了將近一個月，都是媽媽陪伴，他的精神恍惚，連護士都看的出來。  他說那時他在中心診所那邊到處吃飯，都是買最好的。  因為精神上實在有點撐不住了。  後來是中心診所的護士長問媽媽， 怎麼只有你一個人陪在這裡。  護士長知道了情況後跟他說，你一定得要把在日本的老爸叫回來。  護士長的言下之意就是，情況不會好了。  外公也即刻來了，但是只請了一週的假。  七天一到，就在外婆要開刀的那一天， 他大概想開刀了就好，也就要回日本上班了。  那天護士長問媽媽：你爸哩？ 我媽說他要回日本上班了，他只請了一週的假。 這個護士長認為開刀在即，怎麼能現在離開？！  護士長竟然親自打電話到機場的飛機公司，那時外公都已經坐在飛機上了，被人請下飛機。  

根據媽媽的說法，護士長也不認為要開刀。  開刀當晚就進入深沉昏迷，在也沒有醒來。  媽媽還說外婆雖然在深沉昏迷中，可是還是會流眼淚。  

Killers of the flower moon

Need a book to read, went through Libby and found this one.  

I jumped through the beginning chapters, but when I got to the middle chapter, it became quite interesting.  I think the narrative was engaging and the way the crime was portrayed was in good pace.  

But what stands out for me is the the last chapters of the book.  It was devoted to let the reader understood that the crime described in the previous chapters was only a small tip of the the iceberg.  The group memories of The Osage Americans got a chance to be told is a good thing.  And being told in such a book, is eve better.  

It was a disgusting tale of human greed, a system failure, and true capitalism.  And it's also a time when the federal started to strength their grip on the states.  And from this Covid 19, the boundary between federal and the states are being defined again.  

I am looking forward to the movie.  I'm curious how the director would do to the source material.  I think the main crime itself was a sweeping tale.  But the main focus should be how the Osage Americans were treated by the USA governments, federal or state.  

Today

Today, I just searched jobs for an hour although I kept telling myself I need to go to school.  I am terrified for going back to school.  It's the learning part, but the after school stuff.  I feel like I have to sell myself after school which I am very bad at.

Birds I saw today:

American Goldfinch
Robins
Starlings
Sparrows
Raven
Cardinal

Ashby passed away

Hu Yin Ahyi's cat named Ashby passed away.  He was not my cat, but he'd been in my care for the past 2+ months, and I'd known him since he was adopted, 16 years ago.

I am very upset over his death.  I guess I always thought I am pretty good with taking care of cats, and yet, my cat went ill first, then Ashby.  It really grosses me out with myself.  I know a couple months before he came into my care, he was sick.  But when Hu Yin Ahyi brought him to me, he was alive and well.  She nursed him back to health.  I keep wondering if I mistreat the cat, maybe I was so stressed with my cat, I neglected Ashby in some way.

Ashby was such a gentle cat.  I remembered him being passed around during one of the morning salon at Hu Yin Ahyi's apartment.  Everyone of my uncle's friends get their turn to hold Ashby.  And he's patient with everybody.  I remembered 田艾倫阿姨, especially, for she loved Ashby very much.  Ashby was like a baby, melted in her arms, whilst she pet him and said, "he likes to be petted behind the ears." 

Hu Yin Ahyi would have a birthday party every year for Ashby, since he shared the same birthdate with Hu Yin Ahyi's sister.  Uncle's friends would gather around, pot lock style.  That became an event, almost every year, when May approaches, LKK would start chat among them, "when is Ashby's birthday this year?"  It's kind sad that I got my smart phone late, otherwise, I would have more pictures of this annual event.

For me, personally, I got my cat after my aunt and Hu Yin Ahyi, same year though.  One of the first thing I did after I got my cats was to bring them to Hu Yin Ahyi's old house, to meet Ashby.  That was one of the 2 of earliest collection of my cats.  Such an invaluable pictures.  Roger was there that day, he used his camera took those pictures.  My cats were busy exploring every corner of the house, and Ashby was like overwhelmed, did not know who to chase.  That was hilarious.  He was a little bigger physically.  My  cats were totally ignoring him, but he made his presence felt.  Their first encounter was just so cute!

I took care of Ashby occasionally when Hu Yin Ahyi's away for a weekend.  But by 2017, Hu Yin Ahyi started to make longer trips, to Taiwan, to her daughter's, and she let me stay at her apartment to take care for Ashby.  Then, after her daughter giving birth, Ashby started to stay at my house for longer period.  Ashby was such a smart cat, if you told him not to something, he will stop; though he did have his peeves.  If I called him by his name, he can discern the difference.  Baobao still not sure sometimes.  And it is absolutely heart melting when I hold Ashby.  I just felt such compete trust!  Sometimes, I cannot help but felt that Ashby's bloodline must be more domesticated than my cat.  I know Baobao complete trust me, but when I hold Baobao, he melts away for 10 seconds, then he started to move.  But not with Ashby!  I think it must be bloodline and culture by Hu Yin Ahyi, both nature and nurture!

This time when Baobao went into trouble, I immediately decide to let Ashby sleep in his own room at night.  Because I am not sure what happened to my cat, isolating Ashby was a precaution measure.  By doing it, I could prevent interactions without supervision.  I could reduce Ashby's exposure to my cat.  But I think it's all a moot point, for Ashby and Baobao trade their litter box right after I opened Ashby's room in the morning.   And by isolation, Ashby must feel ignored.

But now I think back, there were signs of trouble.  It took Ashby longer than previous time to break into my house.  He ate little until he's a week in.  I took a picture of Ashby and everyone was saying it's Baobao for the fur looked orange.  Then I find Ashby's gait was a bit different.  His elbow was a bit more out.  Then a week and half before he's heaving the ribs, I had difficulty holding him belly up.  He wanted to get out of that position.  Then, my mom started saying he's coat was not as shining as before.

After 1 day and half, I found out Ashby was heaving his ribs, I lined Hu Yin Ahyi asking if he's allergic to seafood.  No, he did not like seafood but not allergic.  I lined again next day, because I am not able to get Ashby to eat anything, and have difficulty administer medicine, and his breathing was labored.  I felt the situation was very serious, I even asked if I went to the vet and was asked about put Ashby down, what should I do?  Hu Yi Ahyi said can the doctor try to extend Ashby's life until she came back next Monday.  But when I tried to put Ashby in the carrier, he stunned me with his scream and the heaving chest was worse.  I decided not to go to the vet and told Hu Yin Ahyi.  After chatting with Roger in the afternoon, Hu Yin Ahyi decided to come home a week earlier.

After her arrival on Wednesday, we went to the vet right away.  After 5 minutes, Vet called us in the car(due to Covid-19), he suggested putting Ashby down.  When Hu Yin Ahyi asked if he could find someway to relax Ashby for few days.  The vet refused, saying there's fluid in the lung, even if he did get fluid out, it will be refilled after a few days.  Hu Yin Ahyi decided to bring Ashby home first.  I think it's a good choice, because Ashby could still enjoy a calm and familiar environment.  After I came home and told my mom, my mom said both her and I were under tremendous stress when Ashby's condition started to worsen.  She's very worried about Hu Yin Ahyi after 2 months of exhaustive caring of her grand daughter, how she's going to bear with the situation.  She thought Ashby should be put down.  Aunt called me and said the same thing, although she think if it's her, she would keep Ashby in the home as well.  I know first hand what it felt like to have a cat dying by my side.  When Baobao was suggested put down  by the vet, I brought him home thinking I don't want to shock Baobao and hopefully he could pass away in a familiar setting.  But before he came to be a little healthier, I was drunk in my tears and questions about my decisions.

The day before yesterday, Roger came by and picked up his gift for me, a cat tower, as a token for taking caring for Ashby in the past 2 months.  But I told him my cat is dying as well, thanks but no, thanks.  So he came by to pick the tower up.  He said they decided to put Ashby down at last.  I went to see Ashby the last time yesterday at noon.  Ashby was so thin, but when he hear me, he still came out to meet me.   I pet him lightly, he purred as a protest and went to lie down on the carpet under a desk.  Ashby never purred, until now.  Hu Yin Ahyi said that when Roger came yesterday and saw him crying.  She felt him really coming home.

Li Chung, wrote a long message to me, I do not know how to reply.  Now I can finally reply to her.

"Sorry, it took me sometimes to think of something to say. I went to see Ashby yesterday he's so thin and weak. He never really purred that much. But he purred a lot this time. I sometimes think he must come from a longer line of domestication. Because when I hold him, the way he melts into my arms, it's a trust that must be built for a long time. Of course, with your mom loving him, and you and Roger, I think nurture has it's effect as well. "

打嘎哩阿不(媽媽的回憶)

媽媽今天早上突然提到一位他們以前在台灣認識的一位老太太，他們都叫他 "達嘎哩阿不"(蘇州話的意思是: 達家的好婆)。  這位老太太甚至是外婆婆的長輩。 

他們和他是在台灣認識的。  這位老太太曾和外婆說過一件事情。  這位老太的身世很好，娘家是有錢人，自己家的先生也是(好像是做紡織業)。  有錢人出軌似乎很多，原來這位老太太自己也親身經歷過。 這是他和外婆說的。 有一次這位老太太還年輕的時候，從外面回到家裡，竟然發現自己的先生竟和一個陌生女子在房間裡!  但是他當時一聲不吭，拿了回家要拿的東西就出去和自己的朋友交往。  但是之後他開始注意他先生的行動。而他先生也發現自己的太太注意到這件事了。 最後就不再和外面的女子來往。

我也不知道我為什麼紀錄了這麼一件事。。。媽媽的意思好像是這個老太太滿厲害的，可以拉住自己的老公。  媽媽也說他到了台灣後, 從小學一直到初中, 除了制服沒有別的衣服。雖說外婆自己是每年做一件衣服，他們小孩連內褲都是帆布袋由外婆親手做的，之後媽媽自己做。  這讓我想到，媽媽第一次去商店幫舅舅買內褲，發現男用內褲怎麼是破的。。。  我也記得他也提到在他結婚前，他自己正在縫棉被被套的時候，蔣次寧阿姨來看他，問他在做啥。 媽媽回答說， 我在縫被套。  蔣次寧阿姨不了解，為啥不去外面買?  媽媽說: 被套可以去外面買?! 

媽媽也提到，打嘎哩阿不在媽媽上高中後，常常給他們用過的 "新" 衣服。 
ㄏ
後來不知道為啥，媽媽又給我看外公在日本的帳本，裡面很多在請客吃飯的條目, 數字似乎驚人，甚至一餐兩萬日圓。媽說都是請女朋友的。  後來又提到外公去蘇州的時候，常常在廟裡看到每一個老太太都 給個一百元，把大姨和姨丈氣死了。也是後來為啥舅舅把錢控制得很緊。 

Messed up the chronology

我的乾爸得了泡疹，我妹妹 line 給我。  討論中， 我妹妹提到他也有得過。我說甚麼時候，我怎麼不記得？  他說是在他們房子成交之前，住在我們家六個月的時候。 我滿吃驚的。這不是我第一次忘記這些事情了。。。

上一次碰到這種情況是媽媽說我們去過哪一家餐廳吃飯，他說我也有去，我自己印象卻一點都沒有!  恐怖!  

做了再說

做了再說

picturephile?

There's a word for audio lover, called audiophile, usually are people enthusiastic about audio reproduction.  But I usually think it's people who generally love music.  I wonder if there a word for the visual lover as well?  But no, I am not able to find it...

I wonder why, maybe it's kind of a hoarding situation.  But I love to look at pictures, just almost any pictures, photos, drawings, screen captures...etc.  It started in college, when I got a lot of times alone, I will just go through pictures for hours on end.  Yeah, sure, there were some nude pictures, but I just went back and took a look at what I collected, majority are not nudes.  Whatever peaked my interest, I'd like to "save the image" as.  Sports, pretty ladies, photography, drawings, paintings, concept arts, video game screen captures, historical pictures, animals...etc.

Even now, I know if I let myself go, I could still sit here for hours just to look at pictures from instagram.  Just by typing it makes my mind cleared now!?  I was having a headache!   Or maybe talking about some of my favorite things to do...  lol

The first huge collection of those electronic picture collection I ever saw was from Eric Lee, from high school.  He's a one of those computer wiz, so he must surf the net from early on.  Me, I was kind slow.  My sister was the one using computer in high school.  I remember I did not even get my first email until Nozomi showed me how.

When the smart phone was introduced, the pictures exploded.  Even now, the most obvious aspect of improvement for each iteration of new smart phones are the camera components of it.  I got my first smart phone very late though, not until 09/2016.  My sister and her husband got me an used LG flagship 2 or 3 years old.  It was amazing.  I could not contain myself to capture every moment and every little detail I found interesting.   From that moment on, I started to organize e-pictures like my sister used to organize her photo albums.  She has a stack of physical photo albums she used to collect after we immigrated to USA.  My mom and I never had a one for ourselves.  My mom used to be the one collecting photos back in Taiwan.  I love my sister's photo, but I never attempted to do anything about it.  I think I always had a longing to collect the album but never materialized the want.  I wonder why?

If I tried to collect photos, I don't think I will have enough photos to fill an album from these 20+ years in USA.  I looked at my sister's , the photos were collected into different events of her life.  I know I got nothing at all.  Not that I have zero photos, but very few and far between.  My sister is in action, I am MIA...  If I had a smart phone from the beginning, I think I will have more photos without events though...

A Recipe from Fb.

ingredient:

chicken thighs (drum stick or other part) deboned, hammered, 2 lb.

Greek yogurt, 2 C.

Paprika, 1 tsp.

Cinnamon, 1 tsp.

Cayenne, 1/2 tsp.

Cumin, 2 tsp.

Coriander, 1 tsp.

Garlic, 2 Tbs.

Salt, 1 Tbs.

Black pepper to taste

Lemon, 1

Olive oil, 1/4 C.

(Marinate those together for at least 1 hour)

Then cut pineapple and roast for 60-90 min, in 400 degree F/200 degree C.  

*********

Let's see how it goes...lol!  

BTW, they say it called chicken doner?  or maybe it means chicken dinner in Bulgarian?  

It was supposed to eat with Tzatziki(teh-zi-ki), Greek yogurt with cucumber, dill, garlic, parsley, salt and pepper to taste, or other variance)  and Pita.  

Originated from Turkey, and similar to Arabic shawarma, Greek Gyro.  

I am however just going to try the chicken itself...  :) 
====================

5/16/2020

Result:

I used 3 heavy skewers and half onion as base, got the tip from my sister, worked quite well.  Although the tower fell down midway, I have to use a support skewer. 

My notes was wrong as in garlic and salt, they should be in Table Spoon, I mistook them as tea spoon.  So the result is a bit a lot less salt and more sour taste.  I corrected it! 

It is very exciting for me, for it's been quite some times since I started any cooking project.  

afterthought: the R of the J

finished watching return of the jaadi last night.  This is my second view.  I was deeply impressed with the original trilogy after the first view.  So naturally after viewing the last trilogy of the saga, I went back to  compare.

I find something very interesting.  The characters have a much closer relationship in the original than in the latest version.  Between Han, Leia, and Luke, the big three, I see so much smiles, positive attitude, and hugs, their relationship also is much deeper, siblings and lovers, and of course, friendship.  And with the evil duo, the relationship is strong as well.  it's father and son and daughter!  When Luke involuntarily spelled out the secret of Leia in front of DV and Emperor, the despair showed in Luke was tremendous!  He understand the burden and does not want to transfer it to his sister.

Compare that to the latest trilogy, it's clear that the connection between the big three, poe, finn, and rey was much weaker and rushed.  The connection between the three was only friendship, although i think they do want to make finn and rey into a thing,  but the process was halted.  The only relationships that carried a bit of weight are actually Mr. and Mrs. Solos and their son, plus luke and rey.  But the movie decided to kill it off immediately and with CF past away after the first movie, it was quite a marvel they continue to make the next two.  For luke and rey, he showed up at the end of the first movie, he was a force in the second one.  However, the relationship between him and rey was kind weak as well.  The movie kind want to make leia and rey into a strong bond I think, but with CF past away, it was a dream never achieved.

Now, talking about just one scene in the R of the J.  The last chapter where, luke was brought before the emperor.  That scene was absolutely awesome!  there's conflict on the outside, and there's conflict on the inside.  They used the oldest and easiest trick, almost theatrical, to have emperor like devil trying to lure the innocence into darkness with a narration.  And the other thing is, no characters at the scene was wasted.  Emperor and luke provide the polar of the the extreme, DV became a wildcard!  DV has mask on all the time, but with brilliant direction and timing, he became the anchor of the scene.  He provided a relieve that's been building up since the the end of empire strike b.  it's Shakespeare-ish, hitchcock-ish.    The last movie that reminded me of this kind of narration was in korean movie, Parasite (where the kim family partying at rich the employer's house).  The last trilogy really lacks such a scene.

wish

I wish I could talk

Planning

I tried to plan 2 trips last year.  I learned a lot along the way.  Both plan involved taking trips, one to Philadelphia, the other to lake region at NH. 

I called a friend at Philly to ask if I could stay at hers for a night.  She told me when, then I looked up the map and thought I'm all done.  On the night before the trip, I called another friend, who's the brother of the Philly friend, curious about the tolls along the way.  He asked a few questions, which immediately hit me that there're still a lot I did not prepare for.  For example, the internet, since I do not have data, he offered me his hot spot.  Then he asked if I have express toll sensor thing.  I said I do, but he asked if I have enough in the them.  I was not sure.  So I had to go back and check. 

The other things are the spot I need to stop and rest, where to refuel...etc.  If I did not have hot spot, this would be something highly recommend to plan ahead.   My friend also asked if I had triple As, which I did.  I was going to pump my spare tires, but I did not do it.  I went to Mike to check the car which he said it's okay for the trip. 

My mom was cooking 牛肉餡餅, I brought my bike...etc.  Food is important!  I thought I could just get some food on the way, but I think it's good to bring food on the way. 

=================

I planned another trip to go to lake region at NH.  I went with 2 friends.  But sad thing was I started with a hike through Mt. Major.  I checked the road and thought, 3 miles, it's nothing.  For my 2 friends are avid walkers, I thought we could finished it within 2 hours, and then driving around the lake and hit some spots.  I was wrong.  Because a trail's distance does not translate into the terrain roughness.  There're certain spots with big rocks and boulders.  Not suitable for the 2 friends.  We spent 4 hours on the mountain.  Everyone was exhausted.  Don't understand why, manadnock was harder... 

Oh, well...  Next time, need to know more about the terrain, the height, the teammates, and something else... 

wish

I really wish I could talk. 

R of the SkWr afterthought - spoilers

Spoilers... 

I finished watching SW IX last night.  I think I like the 8th better.  This one is really just a mesh. 

The graphic and music maybe good, I don't think I noticed much about the music.  The cinematography was really good, but I thought it's a given, with the grand landscaping and everything. 

I am not a SW fan, I knew some of it.  I did not even watch the prequel trilogy.  So the first of the second trilogy was setting up to be a grand opening, but I did not feel too much.  I do not understand the reason of murdering a father for.  I was not taken by KR at all, I find him naive at best, stupid at worst.  Then there's RP, I am so annoyed at the end of the SW VII, because the movie kept hinting that her origin is something special, but never truly revealed it.  I guessed it would be a palp.  But still I cannot connect with her emotional state either.  When LS found out about DV being his father, his shock strikes me a genuine.  And when LS stroke down by emperor, then DV throw emperor off, I can feel something too.  But not there... 

the SW IX was however even more confusing.  I don't love the sword fight.  RP seemed way too powerful, if she could shoot electricity out of her hand, she's already stronger than KR.  if KR is not a threat, what's the point of this movie?? 

But most importantly, the movie took an easy way out to end the story.  I agree that with 9 movies, how to keep it fresh, yet not soapy? 

two poems

Poem for today by Mary Oliver.

"Can You Imagine?"

For example, what the trees do
not only in lightning storms
or the watery dark of a summer’s night
or under the white nets of winter
but now, and now, and now – whenever
we’re not looking. Surely you can’t imagine
they don’t dance, from the root up, wishing
to travel a little, not cramped so much as wanting
a better view, or more sun, or just as avidly
more shade – surely you can’t imagine they just
stand there loving every
minute of it, the birds or the emptiness, the dark rings
of the years slowly and without a sound
thickening, and nothing different unless the wind,
and then only in its own mood, comes
to visit, surely you can’t imagine
patience, and happiness, like that.

===================================

Poem for today by Ada Limon.

"Dead Stars"

Out here, there’s a bowing even the trees are doing. Winter’s icy hand at the back of all of us.

Black bark, slick yellow leaves, a kind of stillness that feels
so mute it’s almost in another year.

I am a hearth of spiders these days: a nest of trying.

We point out the stars that make Orion as we take out
the trash, the rolling containers a song of suburban thunder.

It’s almost romantic as we adjust the waxy blue
recycling bin until you say, "Man, we should really learn
some new constellations."

And it’s true. We keep forgetting about Antlia, Centaurus,
Draco, Lacerta, Hydra, Lyra, Lynx.

But mostly we’re forgetting we’re dead stars too, my mouth is full of dust and I wish to reclaim the rising—

to lean in the spotlight of streetlight with you, toward what’s larger within us, toward how we were born.

Look, we are not unspectacular things.
We’ve come this far, survived this much.

What would happen if we decided to survive more?
To love harder?

What if we stood up with our synapses and flesh and said, No.
No, to the rising tides.

Stood for the many mute mouths of the sea, of the land?

What would happen if we used our bodies to bargain

for the safety of others, for earth, if we declared a clean night,
if we stopped being terrified,

if we launched our demands into the sky, made ourselves so big people could point to us with the arrows they make in their minds,

rolling their trash bins out, after all of this is over?

To end a story

I've been conjuring up this story for a long long time.  I want to end it.  So I write some down here.  As a gift for myself.  As a memorabilia.

In the beginning, I was thinking of a detective story.  I like story with a myth.  I always wonder the future of Chinese martial art movie, which direction should it take.  One of the direction I thought of was treating Martial Art as a Myth in the movie.  As a myth, it should not be shown easily as other martial art movie.  And it is very important when the art was shown, how the art was shown, and why the art was shown.

The first story started with an old man, an old fbi agent.  He was trying to get retired from the agency and was talking to the director.  But eventually, the old man was persuaded to team up with a young female agent as a final assignment.  That female agent was retired from us military special force and hard time working with a partner.  The old agent was supposed to bring her around.

I had all the background done.  The young agent was retired from US military special force, a russian descendant.  Father is a defect from Soviet to US.  She's highly competitive, smart and attractive, of course....

I am bad at creating detective storyline.  For me, it's easier to just thinking about how to make martial arts as a mystery.  So I spend most of my time elaborating on the background story of the old man.  I think I came up with many cool story elements.  I think...  lol

He's from taiwan.  His grandpa used to work in kuomingdang secret service under daili.  the grandpa was one of the 3 students of a mythic teacher.  But the teacher past away while the grandpa still in training.  He finished his study under the first disciple.  The first disciple was working in kuomin government, that's how the grandpa got to work under daili.  The second disciple however went to chinese communist party and lost contact afterwards.  The time was in the midst of struggling war against japan. 

After the war and after the fall of mainland, the first disciple went to usa, the grandpa went to taiwan.  he got married and had three sons.  the first son became teacher in taiwan's police institute, teaching chin na.  the second son went to Thailand and became a fearsome boxer, but was injured and came back to taiwan as a taxi driver.  the third son went to usa and became a computer engineer. 

the discipline they learned imposed great strain on sex.  the normal completion period is 20 years, no sexual contact.  the other aspect is everyday practice, none stop; and the approval of their trainers in terms of stability because the result would be tremendous, the trainer need to make sure students are fit to carry the art.   It will require great deal of focus and a near total isolation is the best tool.  that's why none of the grandpa's sons are able to learn the art.   If one of the criteria was not met, the training will not be successful.  the basic premises is through physical training, learn about oneself, know what it want, and strive to achieve the goal, then eventually, meet its maker in peace. 

the protagonist was from the third son, who went to usa to study at college.  he brought his wife with him, but left his son to his father, the grandpa.  the grandpa lived in a mountain worked in a orchard.  The first son and second son came visit quite often.  and there, the protagonist heard all kinds of stories about wugong, chinese martial arts.  the first son told the protagonist to ask the grandpa for the permission to learn the art one day.  But the grandpa flat out refused.  he said, "the world is changing.  i do not believe the next generation would be suitable to learn the art.  there's way too many distractions, and idiotic teachings."  the protagonist never thought himself lived among those mythic wugong gaoshuo.  he showed the disbelief on his face, like sun in the blue sky.  the grandpa was not pleased, "those are not stories! "  and he berated his first son and second son for telling his grandson stories!  "this is the world, telling facts like stories, telling stories like facts!" 

This is just the beginning.  I am not going to write the whole thing here.  I do not think I  could make it work.  I will stop here. 

Proceedures in warehouse

(三年前為了  mascon 寫的 )

Shipping, Receiving, Stock maintenance, Warehouse maintenance:

Shipping:

1. Enidine weekly:

• Picking tickets put in alphabetic order
• Separated into Vic's and Jack's pile
• Get Laptop, put Enidine weekly spreadsheet, start to pick
• Put the paperwork in the box, put the paperwork stick on the box; mark the box, if shipping qty different from the labels
• Input shipping and on shelf QTY in the spreadsheet
• After picking, Vic and Jack check each others' parts by looking at outside boxes, QTY, P/N, and necessary stickers
• Gather everything on the pallet(s), calculating weight at the same time
• Check against Anne's list with P/N and QTY
• Put together the packing list, and email Anne
• Go to Fedex.com to schedule the Freight, print out BOL and shipping Label(s)
• Wrap the Pallet(s), put the Label and packing list on the Pallet(s)

 2.  Sigcom:

• Picking Tickets from Anne
• Gather information on P/N, Boxes, Pallet qty and total weight, and give to Anne
• Anne gives us the BOL who will call ABF
• Put white picking tickets and address labels on pallets

3.  Material:

• Pack the boxes without wood.  
• Gather Weight and dimension of the Pallets, or boxes.  
•  Email CJ, who will contact Horizon to ship to Speedmark
• CJ will give us Packing list, WHS will make the Bill of Lading, and Address Label(s)

4. Enidine Coating:

• Jean usually, sometimes CJ gives WHS invoice(?), and shipping instruction.  
• If it's shipped by Fedex, Proceed as Fedex/ UPS proceedure. 
• If it's shipped by Freight, Proceed as Average Freight Procedure

5. DHL international:

• Usually from Engineers, sometimes, Grace, occasionally, accounting, seldom, other people
• Need packing list and 3 copies of Commercial invoice, plus Shipping Instruction from Sender
• If not packed, Pack the shipment
• Get the weight and dimension of the Box(s)
• Go to DHL.com, prepare to enter Value from the Shipping instruction, and input other data according to paperwork
• Shipping option is worldwide service
• If the paperwork is complete, skip commercial invoice by clicking the bottom "next"
• Print shipping labels, and put with 3 copies of commercial invoice in pouch.
• Put pouch on the box, but don't seal it

看完傅家書短記

"你們這些生在今日的人, 你們這些青年, 現在要輪到你們了!  踏在我們的身體上面向前吧!  但願你們比我們更偉大, 更幸福.  我自己也和我過去的靈魂告別了; 我把它當作空殼似的丟掉了.  生命是連續不斷的死亡與復活.  克利斯朵夫, 咱們一齊死去, 預備再生吧!"

(羅曼 羅蘭語, 傅雷譯)

第一次知道這本書是在小站上.  當時看的出來, 大陸人似乎人人都知道傅雷和傅聰是誰, 這本書就這樣在我腦袋裡留下一點印象.  但也僅止於, 傅雷嚴格的教育, 可能還近乎暴力...

去年十月去台灣, 和元元華華約在中山站吃飯, 我早到, 就在捷運地下街逛誠品, 看到了這本書.  還滿好奇的, 就買下來了.  我回美國後斷斷續續的到前幾天才看完.

我印象最深的一句話是他給傅聰的一句話, [ 第一做人， 第二做藝術家，第三做音樂家，最後才是鋼琴家。]  兩年前去世的外公, 嘴邊最常講的兩個字就是做人.  但是, 我的印象裡, 家裡所有人都在笑他說做人這事 !  前天我和媽媽說這事, 媽說做人是他也認為沒有錯的事.  人本來就要做人。 我記得有一次，舅媽在講毛， 居然講到最後也是說毛不大會做人。  很可惜,，我沒有問過外公做人到底是啥意思?

傅雷在死前留下的交代，可以跟蘇格拉底, 甚至華盛頓比較。。。 他們第一件事也是要還債， 一分一毫交代的清清楚楚 ! 

這本書是 2018 年精選版, 還收錄了當年 1981 年初版所沒有的收錄的傅聰之回信.  我看他們父子倆談論藝術時的情況, 滿精彩的.  我一開始覺得傅雷要求傅聰寫信的言詞太過嚴厲。 但是當傅聰回了幾次信之後，我衷心佩服傅雷。 因為傅聰是一個浸潤在音樂裡的人，他自己的感受如果不加催生，就不能形諸文字，不能形諸文字，我們這些人就看不到他內心的感受 !  傅聰一旦開始寫，往往也能滔滔不絕。  這不僅僅是因為他的感受本就十分強烈，他也知道他在寫給另一個可以了解甚至體會這些文字的讀者(他爸爸) ! 

編這本書的人是傅雷的小兒子。  在後記裡， 記錄了給傅聰的信和給傅敏(小兒子)的，數量是一百比一。  不過小兒子人在大陸也是原因之一吧。

two incidents

I had 2 incidents with my mom recently.  I constantly having a feeling of her looking down upon me.  I told myself, if those words were spoken by other people, I won't feel as strongly. 

I was wrong.  Remember when I was at Charm?  I remember vividly.  There were instances in other people's words, a glance, or a gesture, I felt threatened or belittled.  And I was restless. 

So I know, it is I who look down upon myself.  Like old Chinese saying: "人必自侮, 而後人侮之."  I must've disrespect myself in ways that's beyond my realization. 

Coco afterthrought

I re-watched Coco for the third time.  I can never forget the last scene of the movie. 

This time I watched it twice in succession.  I enjoyed a lot more and suddenly realized the song, "Remember me" was sung from the beginning to the end!  It is a wonderful discovery!  I am trying to think other movies with such clever way of portraying same song in different ways.  Sound of music came to mind, but it's a bit different level.  Here in Coco, a lullaby was transformed into a Pop music in a grandiose sense.  But later, when it was sung for its original purpose.  The song was suddenly brought to life, in a way that's soft and hearty with a caressing touch.  I really wish I could sing the song.  I tried a few times.  I can still manage to feel its original spirit first few tries.  But if I tried too hard, the pop version would come out.  It was hilarious. But also proves that for art to be real, practicing too hard, might not get the right results, because the spontaneous would be lost, robotic repetition would set in. 

And while I was watching the movie, I can't stop smiling.  Because Jose showed Vic and I a stand up comedy on youtube about South American grandma.  The movie's abuela really reminded me of that comedy in someway. 

The transformation of protagonist was amazing to watch too.  The art in the movie was gorgeous!  The movie itself shows strong vitality and its filial value with a triumph. 

---------------------------------------

Sadly, I can only watch this movie by myself.  My family cannot watch it with me. 

lyrics

Remember me

(lyrics from pixel movie Coco)

Remember me
Though I have to say goodbye
Remember me
Don't let it make you cry
For even if I'm far away I hold you in my heart
I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart

Remember me
Though I have to travel far
Remember me
Each time you hear a sad guitar
Know that I'm with you the only way I can be
Until you are in my arms again
Remember me

*************

Recuerdame(Remember me in spanish)

Recuerdame
Hoy me tengo que ir mi amor
Recuerdame
No llores por favor
te llevo en mi corazon y cera me tendras
A solas yo te cantare sonando en regresar

Recuerdame
Aunque tenga que emigrar
Recuerdame
Si mi guitarra oyes llorar
Ella con su treste canto te acompanara
Hasta que en mis brazos tu estes
Recuerdame

============================================================

Let me go
(Avril Lavigne w/ C. Kroeger)

Love that once hung on the wall
Used to mean something, but now it means nothing
The echoes are gone in the hall
But I still remember, the pain of December

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say
I'm sorry it's too late

I'm breaking free from these memories
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I've said goodbye
Set it all on fire
Gotta let it go, just let it go

You came back to find I was gone
And that place is empty
Like the hole that was left in me
Like were nothing at all
It's not what you meant to me
Thought we were meant to be

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say
I'm sorry it's too late

I'm breaking free from these memories
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I've said goodbye
Set it all on fire
Gotta let it go, just let it go

I let it go and now i know
A brand new life is down this road
And when it's right, you always know
So this time I won't let it go

There's only one thing left there to say
Love's never too late

I'm breaking free from these memories
I've let it go, I've let it go
And two goodbyes let to this new life
Don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go(4X)
Won't let you go(4X)

(When I first met her, I asked what song she liked.  This is the first song she said.)

Alone

It's been exactly 2 months now.  I've got no job prospect.  It's been a strange time as corona virus running rampant worldwide.  People are not wearing mask on the streets of Andover.  But trails of thee town is filled with people even on week days.  I think there's an increase of traffic because weather is not as bleak as 2 weeks ago.  But it is not normal traffic either.  Everyday what we are doing most consistent is to open the app and read the current numbers.  And we are bombarded with news relates to the virus.

There's a dread inside my house.  That dread maybe partly from the outside event.  But I know there's a vortex, which is the source of this dense feeling which is inside of me.  I do not know what my next step is.  I keep looking for jobs.  But I am also wondering if I could do something else?  Like going to a school?    I really feel like I need to go to school just to open some job positions.  But what should I do?  The most grounded degree?  I hesitated.  The last time I got a certificate for interpreter, I did not use it because I was kind scared and crawled back to the old job at Mascon. 

Writing it just makes it more painful.  To face the real me, is almost unbearable.  I need to be humble, accept and choose.  Because the indecision slowly exhausted all my options.  Worst of all, I cannot get out the mindset.  So it's not like I can't decide on doing something at one direction, I am focused on the other direction.  I stopped, I suspend my life single-handedly. 

------------------------------------------

I know I keep coming back to the theme that I have a lot on my mind.  It's not like there's nothing I want to do.  Doesn't matter how small the thing is.  But I could not find a right time to do it?  My sister is doing a journal, she paints, draws, designs, and writes.  My mom read Bible, learning new recipes, watching inspiring stories.  Uncle is doing his financial.  Cousins are all doing their things.  I know, because thanks to the social media. They are generous to share.  I so wish to be like that. 

What's stopping me?  What's stopping me?  What's stopping me? 

----------------------------------------

I need to keep thinking and writing.  Some people can keep abstract thoughts in front of their eyes.   It seems that I cannot keep it for 2 seconds.  If I did not write it.  How will I ever recognize it? 

some thoughts

I quit my job at Charm on Feb. 17. 2020.  The reason is that they asked me to start at warehouse on Tuesday and Thursday.  So that basically mean, I will be warehouse at N. Andover 3 days, warehouse at Lawrence 2 days.  They emailed me about it on Friday(2020/02/14), I'd waited on Monday to reply.  I was disheartened.  I emailed them back saying, I was busy at 2 locations also mentioned shoulder injury at the end.  It was Mike Ashe replied at first but human resource replied my second email CC'd an attorney.  I was aroused by the newly attached lawyer.  I suddenly felt vulnerable.  I was trying to come up with an answer during the weekend.  I made a decision if I really had to work warehouse all 5 days, I think I will quit.  Upon seeing a lawyer, I was immediately nervous.  Because I felt they also want me to quit.

By last October, my shoulder was already screaming.  Then I asked for worker's comp.  My aunt at Texas said if you did not plan to stay long term, you should ask for worker's comp.  So I did.  But the company did not say anything else.  I did not ask the doctor for anything specific.  Doctors just prescribed rest basically.  But I felt my body was breaking down slowly.  My lower back and my knees started to feel impact.  I looked around my colleagues, they either had shoulder surgery, or knee surgery.  It seemed so prevalent.  I was very scared.  I think that also contributes to the whole scenario.

I was a nerve wreck the whole day on Feb. 17. 2020.  I don't like to be pushed.  I was on the verge of saying quit.  But if I did not elaborate on the second email like MikeA asked me to do, I still had a good chance to stay on the job until April, which was the time I really wanted to quit.  My sister question me why April, I told her something about health insurance.  But actually, I just wish to stay at one place for a year.  Anyway, I emailed HR, saying I am able to perform my job in current capacity but not with added warehouse load.  But HR kept asking if I  could perform my job when I was hired to do.  Then MikeA called me up, to ask if I really wanted to quit, and am I going to give a 2 weeks notice.  I asked him if I stay for 2 weeks, am I still need to do warehouse at Lawrence.  He said yes.  I told him, then I will quit now.  So I left work at 4.  Company had a guy, Brandon by the N. Andover front door, waiting for me already.  He followed me all the way to Lawrence office, where I was instructed to return my laptop.

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I was quite miserable on this job.  But I guess I was miserable on every job.  Though that be the case, at Mascon, I had a lot of human interactions; at USPS, I was lucky to meet Dave and the fellow mail carriers, and working at Middleton really helped, I felt I want more interaction.  It was really weird that I tried to avoid human contacts at Charm.  The people there were not bad, I like to work with the N. Andover crews, Brad, Kevin, Allan, and Karen.  I also like to work with Matt at Lawrence.  The other people are alright too.  I worked with Grace, the Accountant VP, a bit more in the beginning.  But after a while, MikeA got annoyed.  So I kept minimum contact with her.  The situation with MikeA, my manager, was a remote one.  I often found little to no job at Andover location.  I eventually conveyed this to him at the end of last year, and he met with the head of Electrnoic Dept and I to see what can be done at Electronic Dept, inventory wise.

All sounds good?  But I dragged my feet to work everyday.  I also felt tremendous pressure to talk to my colleagues about almost anything.  I grew restless at work, I felt lost of direction at times.  I think this has a lot to do with the position and my unfamiliarity of how the company functioned in the beginning.  For lacking of direction had something to do with MikeA.  MikeA wasn't a bad colleague.  But because of the incident at Mascon, my expectation of my manager would be someone I worked closely and talked a lot.  I understand that I did not make great effort to initiate dialogue as often, I also felt that I was left alone at N. Andover and Andover a lot of times.   My position was foretold by MikeA as a difficult position, as I realized later, that it was created under compromise of Manufacture and Inventory, and even Accounting Departments.  But sadly, my boss was MikeA.  He was a very hard worker, incredibly detailed, inexhaustibly diligent, and his head was deep in his work.  Sometimes, I felt I work beneath him, and yet sometimes, he treated me like I should've known what to do already.  If I was Matt, I think that thought would be fine, but I was not Matt.  Matt have been working there for 10 years.  I just started.  I would've got nothing to do if Grace did not assign me work in the beginning.

When I first started at Mascon, I took a lot of initiation.  I asked everything and anything.  Now I have to ask myself, was taking initiation the reason I left Mascon?  I was growing restless there at the end.  I felt I was taking care so many business, and yet, there must be an sense of unfulfillment.  I say this now, I really think that Charm's experience showed me something deep inside.  I always felt I could do more.  But consider this, I had a lot of pressure talking to my colleagues about work.  My job as an inventory assistant was to understand the inventory process in all levels, from the items shipping in, stocking, QC, Manufacture, and sales.  Every aspect of the process involve inventory issues.  And there were 4 facilities.  I feel I had to be diplomatic with manager of each facilities, but I also felt that my job required me to look into other people's business.  That made me nervous.  When MikeA talked with, he said inventory department owned those inventories.  But when he talked to other managers, it became more like "what can I be assistant today?"  The different tunes really annoyed me to no end. 

What is deep inside of me?  When uncle asked once, if you kept doing things without people knowing, can you take it?  I thought I  could.  But maybe not after all.  The problem of being restless at the end, really is a desire to fulfill myself with anything.  I think there's a desire, or maybe even ambition to become a manager.  But after Charm, I realize, I am stressed out talking to people about their business which is what a good manager need to do.  And I had a illusion that my job at Mascon or at USPS, or at Charm will fulfill something empty inside.  When I found that the tasks at hand was relatively small comparing to what other people were doing.  My bubble burst, all the possible fulfillment seemed merely an empty shell!  I became restless.  When I became restless, and I am scared to think and act on what could my fulfillment, even just to step out and trying the possibilities, the whole frustration and disappointment sipped into every faucet of my being. 

A realization is a good thing.  Sleep on it? 

Saw a poem I like

Why I Wake Early

by Mary Oliver

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day

in happiness, in kindness.

crotchety: irritable

two movies last night

i watched 2 movies last night.  

Rambo the last blood:

It's a near total waste of time.  The only reason it's not a "total" waste of time, is because watching Mr. Stallone execute the last move was really quite jaw dropping.  

Onward:

It's incredibly weird to transform from Rambo to this animation.  LOL, it might be a sign that I am really numb with the violence...  A dangerous sign.  

The movie was really good!  I loved it!  I hesitate to watch it  because I felt the character design and story does not sound that interesting to me.  But Pixar movie has this effect to relate simple relationships and make it friendly and fun in a heart warming way.  It showed in small details but became very memorable.  I love it.  

Quote from the movie:

"I hope there's still a little magic left in you."  

Such simple phrase, but it touches my heart in some way.  :)  

Watched Mando

I watched The Mandalorian a few nights ago. 

I felt the series is in a good direction.  There are plenty of memorable characters.  But I consider the length of the series is its finest strength.  Basically, I am saying it's short and sweet.  But  at best, it will be like Firefly with longer TV life.  The concept is pretty much like the samurai story, Lone wolf and cub.  But for episodic style to work, it needs humor and great characters which is what made Firefly so good. 

Jedi is already a mystery in the Star War.  And is there any characters more curious than Yoda? 

What is the Hero's choice?  Why did he go back to save the baby?  Aren't there other  times he'd  break guild's rule? 

What kind of friends will he gather along the way?  Is he going to meet Luke Skywalker? 

寶寶生病的經歷

我的貓, 寶寶, 生病了.  從四月二日晚間開始, 他躲到牆角的箱子裡, 我就知道他不舒服.  第二天, 啥也不吃並且在貓沙裡看到帶血的稀屎.  那天他拉了一整天這樣的糞便.  他都躺著, 有時候在牆角的箱子, 有時候在二樓走廊上角落.  我摸他的身體竟然, 竟然在身子兩旁, 肋骨之後碰到兩塊乒乓球大小的東西.  我想, 我知道是怎麼一回事了.  寶寶的弟弟, 東東也是一樣癌症.  但是, 我之前因為寶寶拉稀帶血我上網查了一下, 也有可能是其他肝的問題.  寶寶在 2016 年時, 因為肝臟感染曾經去看過醫生.  所以我猜如果不是肝癌, 就是和肝相關的問題.  媽媽那一天剛好煮了一鍋胡蘿蔔泥湯.  媽媽拌了一些 heavy cream , 寶寶竟然還吃了一些! 

我本來和媽媽還有小瑋說這次不帶他去看醫生了.  因為我十幾年前去給東東安樂死的記憶實在讓我受不了.  東東本來就膽小, 那時醫生抱進去打安樂針, 本來, 安樂針打了還有一段時間才會過去.  但是, 醫生還給我貓時, 東東只有五分鐘了...  到星期六的時候, 我終於受不了, 或許我很希望醫生跟我說, 寶寶還有救.  寶寶連四肢都在涼下來.  我還是帶去獸醫那. 

現在新冠疫情, 我只能在醫院外把寶寶交給護士, 讓她帶寶寶進去.  不久, 我在獸醫的停車場接到獸醫的電話, 她建議安樂死.  她聽說寶寶還可以吃, 她就認為是肝或膽的問題.  無論是癌還是其他問題, 她認為寶寶的肝功能已經喪失, 而且一定痛的很厲害.  應該馬上安樂死.  我不願意, 於是獸醫要我簽個字.  她給了我九針止痛劑. 

寶寶到家後的兩天裡情況非常糟糕.  獸醫先給他打了一針止痛劑.  寶寶的眼睛看起來像玻璃, 連閉都不會閉.  把媽媽看了嚇一大跳.  回來後的第一天, 完全就是拉稀, 拉白綠色的稀.  和小瑋講, 她說那全都是 bile.  寶寶連力氣都沒了,嘴巴幾乎都張不開.  更荒論吃任何東西.  直到第二天晚上,  我實在希望他可以吃一點.  我切了很小塊的奶油放在他嘴邊, 寶寶竟然用力的伸出舌頭舔一舔, 就舔完了.  是的, 他連伸出舌頭我都可以感覺到他非常用力.  於是, 從那時起, 我從奶油, 生雞肉, 生肝, 就一直餵到現在.  他現在瘦的皮包了骨, 可是至少可以自己走到一樓再走回二樓去找有太陽的地方睡覺!  呼吸裡的痛苦也不再聽到.  他昨天第一次大出了一條黑長的大便! 

我不知道寶寶能撐多久.  因為我感覺他並沒有真的恢復.  他現在瘦的程度就只有謝立言叔叔家的大貓可以相比.  而且, 可以看的出來他仍不大有精神.  而且肚子裡的兩顆球似乎依然存在.  我不知道下一步是怎樣, 但是, 我只想耐心的等待.  如果他出現很痛的現象, 我就給他打個針.  如果他還想吃, 我就繼續給他吃好油, 好肉, 好內臟.  我想可能會有不少人覺得我應該讓他安樂死, 可是每當我看到他現在朝著我大叫因為他餓了的時候, 我好高興!