Alone

It's been exactly 2 months now.  I've got no job prospect.  It's been a strange time as corona virus running rampant worldwide.  People are not wearing mask on the streets of Andover.  But trails of thee town is filled with people even on week days.  I think there's an increase of traffic because weather is not as bleak as 2 weeks ago.  But it is not normal traffic either.  Everyday what we are doing most consistent is to open the app and read the current numbers.  And we are bombarded with news relates to the virus.

There's a dread inside my house.  That dread maybe partly from the outside event.  But I know there's a vortex, which is the source of this dense feeling which is inside of me.  I do not know what my next step is.  I keep looking for jobs.  But I am also wondering if I could do something else?  Like going to a school?    I really feel like I need to go to school just to open some job positions.  But what should I do?  The most grounded degree?  I hesitated.  The last time I got a certificate for interpreter, I did not use it because I was kind scared and crawled back to the old job at Mascon. 

Writing it just makes it more painful.  To face the real me, is almost unbearable.  I need to be humble, accept and choose.  Because the indecision slowly exhausted all my options.  Worst of all, I cannot get out the mindset.  So it's not like I can't decide on doing something at one direction, I am focused on the other direction.  I stopped, I suspend my life single-handedly. 

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I know I keep coming back to the theme that I have a lot on my mind.  It's not like there's nothing I want to do.  Doesn't matter how small the thing is.  But I could not find a right time to do it?  My sister is doing a journal, she paints, draws, designs, and writes.  My mom read Bible, learning new recipes, watching inspiring stories.  Uncle is doing his financial.  Cousins are all doing their things.  I know, because thanks to the social media. They are generous to share.  I so wish to be like that. 

What's stopping me?  What's stopping me?  What's stopping me? 

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I need to keep thinking and writing.  Some people can keep abstract thoughts in front of their eyes.   It seems that I cannot keep it for 2 seconds.  If I did not write it.  How will I ever recognize it?