I can't even say things to myself. I think about it. I told myself to write it down, but I refuse. Oh, look, this guy is without words. I am tired of watching myself, hearing myself.
i just watched liam neeson's new movie, non stop. it's pretty good. it really made a pickled situation for the protagonist. and it is very interesting that film maker manipulated audiences intentionally. It made me keep guessing who was the real villain towards the end. My mom watched it with me. it's funny that she even had a dream about it that night.
I could not sleep well. i am super charged sexually in the morning. It is not pleasant at all, in fact it's hell. it felt almost getting out of hand. I so wish for intimate relationship, and I also kept trying very hard to get away from it. Not that I had any chance... lol
When charlene asked me to go to movie last week, I almost turned it down. But i did not. It felt very strange to go to movie besides myself, or my accompanied by my Mom. woburn showcase cinema was awesome though. After the movie, and we went our separate ways, it's excruciatingly lonely, even now.
xiaobao called me today again. i thought he was joking last friday. but it is not. of course, his mom really wish to talk to my mom. it's the reason why. I was very tired today, so my voice must sound sleepy. xiaobao hung the phone very shortly. i did not know what to say then, but right now, i'd like to talk. but he ain't calling.
i had a thoughts today. i haven't talked to wendy for a long time, i felt. it's really sad. with her, i felt i was mentally, academically challenged. it stimulate my spirit quite a lot. although it usually went into a stalemate. but it was still exciting. it's a shame really.
charlene wanted to watch another this past friday night. I said no. i forgot that i had to go to aldi with my mom that night at first. so the reason of turning down was simply because, i felt uncomfortable to go. I was afraid.
i watched the hobbit2. it was much better than the first one. maybe it was because the characters were more flashed out than the first one. but most importantly, it's less of a drag.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
隆隆舅舅的來訪
星期天的晚上, 我去舅舅家吃飯. 毛請的客. 人數很少, 只有我, Michelle 和 Piper. 飯後, 和毛他們玩 3D puzzle. 舅舅走過來說隆隆舅公明天要來吃飯. 隆隆舅公之前就要來了, 但是, 身體一直出狀況, 都不能來. 年初到現在從頭到腳檢查出各種病狀. 如今他奈不住了. 所以星期一, 他一定要來. 舅舅叫我跟媽媽說. 沒過多久, 媽媽也到舅舅家來. 我跟媽媽說了隆隆舅公的事, 媽媽就進去問問舅舅.
星期一一大早, 我下樓後, 媽媽說他四點就醒了, 因為他突然想到, 沒有給隆隆舅公準備回頭禮. 所以他一大早六點就給舅舅打了一個電話, 提醒他要買回頭禮. 舅媽接的電話, 似乎也沒多說啥. 媽媽以為他們一定會去買了. 我那時心裡在想, 未必吧... 舅媽鐵定不在乎啥回頭禮, 舅舅我是不確定, 但是, 七早八早的, 哪去買回頭禮?
我下班回家後, 媽媽就跟我說了早上的情況. 媽媽說他自己還晚一點去, 隆隆舅公卻早到了半個小時. 媽媽去的時候, 看到外公竟然穿著睡衣見客, 大吃一驚. 之後, 聽說舅舅壓根兒沒跟外公提隆隆舅公來的事情. 隆舅公提早半個小時到, 每個人都手忙腳亂, 外公甚至不記得隆舅公是誰. 問了好半天, 才好像有點印象. 隆舅公帶了好些禮物來. 媽媽說, 他們啥都沒有準備. 回頭禮早就拋到腦後去了. 哦, 還有今天五點四十分要到舅家吃東西.
我院子澆完水後, 就和媽媽去舅家. 原來今天是舅媽生日, 毛昨天託了 Michelle 的媽媽去中國城買的. 我們先吃蛋糕. 一邊吃, 外公講話沒完沒了. 話題離不開一個 "禮" 字. 愈講愈激動. 這之後, 他講話也愈還愈針對舅舅. 之後連舅舅也受不了,跑到外公耳邊大聲解釋某某事情. 外公到最後還是把溫加保請出來, 常識也說出來. 我就逃走了.
不知怎的, 我感覺外公是在生氣. 不過這頓飯的收穫是老王的打滷. 他把豬肉, 胡蘿蔔, 茄子等等切成細絲, 先炒肉, 撈出來後, 接著炒茄絲. 後來再蔥薑, 胡蘿蔔, 肉絲, 茄絲, 等等炒在一起, 加高湯, 快好的時候, 勾芡, 灑蔥花. 非常好吃, 我們配著麵吃. 媽媽昨天就做了一回, 非常成功!
星期一一大早, 我下樓後, 媽媽說他四點就醒了, 因為他突然想到, 沒有給隆隆舅公準備回頭禮. 所以他一大早六點就給舅舅打了一個電話, 提醒他要買回頭禮. 舅媽接的電話, 似乎也沒多說啥. 媽媽以為他們一定會去買了. 我那時心裡在想, 未必吧... 舅媽鐵定不在乎啥回頭禮, 舅舅我是不確定, 但是, 七早八早的, 哪去買回頭禮?
我下班回家後, 媽媽就跟我說了早上的情況. 媽媽說他自己還晚一點去, 隆隆舅公卻早到了半個小時. 媽媽去的時候, 看到外公竟然穿著睡衣見客, 大吃一驚. 之後, 聽說舅舅壓根兒沒跟外公提隆隆舅公來的事情. 隆舅公提早半個小時到, 每個人都手忙腳亂, 外公甚至不記得隆舅公是誰. 問了好半天, 才好像有點印象. 隆舅公帶了好些禮物來. 媽媽說, 他們啥都沒有準備. 回頭禮早就拋到腦後去了. 哦, 還有今天五點四十分要到舅家吃東西.
我院子澆完水後, 就和媽媽去舅家. 原來今天是舅媽生日, 毛昨天託了 Michelle 的媽媽去中國城買的. 我們先吃蛋糕. 一邊吃, 外公講話沒完沒了. 話題離不開一個 "禮" 字. 愈講愈激動. 這之後, 他講話也愈還愈針對舅舅. 之後連舅舅也受不了,跑到外公耳邊大聲解釋某某事情. 外公到最後還是把溫加保請出來, 常識也說出來. 我就逃走了.
不知怎的, 我感覺外公是在生氣. 不過這頓飯的收穫是老王的打滷. 他把豬肉, 胡蘿蔔, 茄子等等切成細絲, 先炒肉, 撈出來後, 接著炒茄絲. 後來再蔥薑, 胡蘿蔔, 肉絲, 茄絲, 等等炒在一起, 加高湯, 快好的時候, 勾芡, 灑蔥花. 非常好吃, 我們配著麵吃. 媽媽昨天就做了一回, 非常成功!
Thursday, July 03, 2014
laylay's lament
公司裡的新人今天下午要寄一個東西. 他不會寄. 因為我和倉庫裡的夥伴把肥待克斯的軟件改過了. 這個新人不斷打電話給張姓工程師. 張正在開會不能走開. 我想幫幫新人. 正在看的時候, 他氣氣的走了, 說, 我不管了, 乾脆交給張自己去弄. 但是, 實際上, 他走時, 還丟了一堆話. 他很不爽快的說, 他來這個公司的時候, 他是想做 logistic 的. 因為他將來上研究所要走這一方面的路. 可是他進來時, 公司早有了另一個人, 孫在做這個工作. 結果, 現在他覺得他現在 logistic 做不多, 倒是一天到晚來倉庫! 他覺得自己好像打雜的.
我立刻可以感受到他的情緒. 鬱悶. 大材小用. 我很同情他. 因為我了解這種感受. 但是我無說啥. 直到現在, 這不爽的感覺還在影響我. 使我不得不寫一寫.
我並不太喜歡這個人. 人不笨, 但是太家懷. 其實, 一開始工作的人都或多或少的有點這樣. 可是說話的時候, 實在太沒有講究了. 我想, 會不會是因為他覺得我很好欺負才對我說這些話. 我打賭, 他絕對不會對我倉庫裡的夥伴說這些話. 他對老闆娘也不會. 他會跟工程師撒嬌, 但也不會說那些話. 因為這些事, 我不大喜歡這個人.
他目前在這公司的定位其實是很不明顯的. 這種情況是會讓人煩惱. 打雜的感覺是一定會有的. 因為他如果遇到困難就大大抱怨, 或說洩氣的話, 別人又如何給他重要的事情? 並不能說, 他工作不認真. 他人聰明, 交給他的又都是簡單細瑣的事. 他常常跟我說, 他沒事幹了... 因為都做完了. 很可惜的, 聰明一再被證明, 只是一個小螺絲. 每個人, 又都有一些小螺絲.
我現在想想, 他說這話和我們最近新的後勤經理上任有滿多的關係. 他可能會有點害怕. 之前, 都是張當他的上司. 現在, 來了一個白人, 他曾經說, 新的經理啥也不懂,他自己呢, 也是. 我想, 對這種情況的未知, 可能比他對自己大材小用的焦慮更甚. 至少目前是如此.
我立刻可以感受到他的情緒. 鬱悶. 大材小用. 我很同情他. 因為我了解這種感受. 但是我無說啥. 直到現在, 這不爽的感覺還在影響我. 使我不得不寫一寫.
我並不太喜歡這個人. 人不笨, 但是太家懷. 其實, 一開始工作的人都或多或少的有點這樣. 可是說話的時候, 實在太沒有講究了. 我想, 會不會是因為他覺得我很好欺負才對我說這些話. 我打賭, 他絕對不會對我倉庫裡的夥伴說這些話. 他對老闆娘也不會. 他會跟工程師撒嬌, 但也不會說那些話. 因為這些事, 我不大喜歡這個人.
他目前在這公司的定位其實是很不明顯的. 這種情況是會讓人煩惱. 打雜的感覺是一定會有的. 因為他如果遇到困難就大大抱怨, 或說洩氣的話, 別人又如何給他重要的事情? 並不能說, 他工作不認真. 他人聰明, 交給他的又都是簡單細瑣的事. 他常常跟我說, 他沒事幹了... 因為都做完了. 很可惜的, 聰明一再被證明, 只是一個小螺絲. 每個人, 又都有一些小螺絲.
我現在想想, 他說這話和我們最近新的後勤經理上任有滿多的關係. 他可能會有點害怕. 之前, 都是張當他的上司. 現在, 來了一個白人, 他曾經說, 新的經理啥也不懂,他自己呢, 也是. 我想, 對這種情況的未知, 可能比他對自己大材小用的焦慮更甚. 至少目前是如此.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Last game this year
I watched NDA's last game this year. I watched at my brother in law's house. The game was recorded on Sunday. I watched it on Monday. Before the game, my sister and her husband told me not to read the scores. Well, I can't help it. I was happy about sper's win in the morning.
But that happiness was changed to dismay and sadness after watching the game. The total melt down of the Hit team was disastrous. After four years of championship games, they were struggling both mentally and physically. I meant really struggle. To see sper win was great, but to see a great beast being slew was somehow so, very sad. The beast seemed to be too old. The whole team mechanism just gone. The king fought, but with both of his wing men wrecked, the king was naked. I think Hit's team philosophy was none, except , defense, and gave ball to the king, or the wing men. Now, the wing men were of no use, the king cannot score, then, defense was gone too.
The king lost confidence in his wing men. A lone warrior, cannot fight without his horse, spears, and his shield. This game was so sad. Watching the king trying to score alone. It was really weird. I have no hard feeling towards Hit. But I did wish sper to win, for they deserved it last year. But the way, Hit was defeated, not by putting up a fight, was astonishing.
Hit was not a complete team, in my opinion. Even with Bulls, there were main scorer, best wing man, and an inside presence. Hit, had only scorer, wing man, and no inside presence. They did bring some people in, it's not that the ball club did not learn anything from their very fortunate championship last year. But I doubted the coach, and the trio, utilize the change well throughout the year. And with Trio's salary cap, even the change did not have good chemistry in the mid of the season, the club simply could not find good money to make additional change.
Anyway, it's just very sad. Whenever, Hit got the ball, there's no ball movements, except when moving with the king. In the other hands, Sper move the ball with lightening pace. Tim can still dominate the mismatch, but that did not happen with Hit at all. It's the king in every possession! Even if Baush was guarded by Tony Paarker!
It was one of the most horrendous game I've seen. I saw that kind of game with Bulls vs. Jazz. But Jazz would bounce back in the next game! Sad to watch.
But that happiness was changed to dismay and sadness after watching the game. The total melt down of the Hit team was disastrous. After four years of championship games, they were struggling both mentally and physically. I meant really struggle. To see sper win was great, but to see a great beast being slew was somehow so, very sad. The beast seemed to be too old. The whole team mechanism just gone. The king fought, but with both of his wing men wrecked, the king was naked. I think Hit's team philosophy was none, except , defense, and gave ball to the king, or the wing men. Now, the wing men were of no use, the king cannot score, then, defense was gone too.
The king lost confidence in his wing men. A lone warrior, cannot fight without his horse, spears, and his shield. This game was so sad. Watching the king trying to score alone. It was really weird. I have no hard feeling towards Hit. But I did wish sper to win, for they deserved it last year. But the way, Hit was defeated, not by putting up a fight, was astonishing.
Hit was not a complete team, in my opinion. Even with Bulls, there were main scorer, best wing man, and an inside presence. Hit, had only scorer, wing man, and no inside presence. They did bring some people in, it's not that the ball club did not learn anything from their very fortunate championship last year. But I doubted the coach, and the trio, utilize the change well throughout the year. And with Trio's salary cap, even the change did not have good chemistry in the mid of the season, the club simply could not find good money to make additional change.
Anyway, it's just very sad. Whenever, Hit got the ball, there's no ball movements, except when moving with the king. In the other hands, Sper move the ball with lightening pace. Tim can still dominate the mismatch, but that did not happen with Hit at all. It's the king in every possession! Even if Baush was guarded by Tony Paarker!
It was one of the most horrendous game I've seen. I saw that kind of game with Bulls vs. Jazz. But Jazz would bounce back in the next game! Sad to watch.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
empathy too much?
I found and article talking about over empathizing. Interesting article.
Growing up, Linda led an unconventional life. She grew up in Washington, D.C., in the 1960s, a time when “people were speaking out,” especially about ending the Vietnam War. Her parents were divorced, and she was raised predominantly by her mother, who, as Linda describes, had a “strong ethic to be an active member in society.” Her mother worked to help inner-city mothers develop parenting skills. She often brought children home with her. This interaction and, in particular, learning about where these children lived, was an “educational experience.” Linda also mentions that her father, a clinical researcher, had “similar values,” and often “overextended himself to patients.”
As a child, Linda was not engaged in a lot of “structured activities;” rather, she spent a lot of time outdoors. Starting at the age of eleven, she lived in Vermont for two years as part of a commune specializing in political activism through theater. As a group, everyone in the community traveled together, performed, and got paid. Linda says that she was often “taunted” because she was “from the city.”
As a child and young adult, Linda faced many challenges within her family. Her mother and sister were both mentally and emotionally unstable. Linda’s mother suffered from a lot of “emotional pain,” and her sister had “addiction problems.” Linda fi rmly believes that “pain brings empathy.” By helping her mother and her sister she learned to “reach out and help others.” Her sister’s illness pointed to a “compelling need” for education and leadership around addiction and mental-illness issues. From a young age, Linda realized that “we’re not all born with the same capacities, and we should help those in need.” As a child, she was intrigued in reading about the Holocaust and learning about individual experiences. Even today, she fi nds herself in “awe” of the human spirit.
Though her adolescence was “troubled,” Linda “persevered” in spite of difficult circumstances. At the age of sixteen, she got her own apartment and managed to get a job in a lab. Since then, she has worked in service of others. Because of her own ability to manage, Linda feels a sense of “hopefulness” for others. Linda feels an “obligation” to do as much as she can and to use the strengths she has been given. She believes in working hard and not taking resources for granted. Linda talks about her need to help others. She doesn’t necessarily do it because she wants to; she does it because she feels she has no other choice. She explains:
The other night in Jamaica Plain, I was walking down the street and a homeless man who I’d worked with at the respite program… looked up at me and said, ‘Hello, Linda!’ And, you know… that [was] very powerful to see-and I think it was maybe a year since I’d seen him and fi ve years since I’d worked with him as a nurse. But the connections that you make with people and the needs that you’re able to help them with… depending on who you are as a person, and what you need for your ego in life, I guess, being able to meet that kind of need for another human being meets a need for me.
At the same time, developing these kinds of relationships and over-empathizing with people can be risky. Linda says:
If you choose to work with people who have really extreme, unmet needs, and you empathize to such a large extent, you [can] take on their sorrow, their sadness, and then you’re not going to be able to do your work as effectively, plus be really down and depressed a lot of the time… and it’s interesting: where do you draw the line between professional goals and barriers and then personal? I mean, I don’t know. It’s hard.
Linda speaks from experience. She describes a relationship with Roberto, a patient from Guatemala whom she met at Healthcare for the Homeless and with whom she developed a “very strong, therapeutic relationship.” After he was no longer a patient, she reached out to be a sup-portive presence in his life. Roberto did not speak much English, had no family in the United States, and was struggling with alcoholism, loneliness, and depression. Linda’s boyfriend (also a nurse) befriended this young man as well, and both felt as though “Roberto was getting closer to making some major changes-decisions in his life that would be positive changes, and making contact with his family.” (He had been out of touch with them for a long time.)
Particularly in light of these positive changes, Linda was shocked to learn that Roberto had drowned in the Charles River. Linda and her boyfriend worked hard to make all the arrangements for his funeral and burial, which they strongly felt should be held in Guatemala. They tracked down his family members’ telephone numbers from one of her old phone bills and Linda called his sister (with whom she later “developed an incredibly strong friendship”). They also called anyone and everyone they could think of to ask for donations so that his body could be sent home. Linda says, “Roberto would want to be home with his family, and his family would so much want to have his body buried at home.”
Linda and her boyfriend orchestrated every detail, knowing that they would be unable to make the trip to Guatemala to be present at his funeral and burial. She explains how she observed this very difficult day from a distance:
Even though I had reservations about churches- [reservations] built from a lot of stereotypes in society about organized religion—I went that day [to a Jesuit Urban Center], and a portion of the service… was in Spanish, which I just was so moved by, I mean I was in tears pretty much the whole service, but I felt so much support there… I… needed a place to be able to have those feelings of sadness. And I think maybe a lot of people in that setting could understand because maybe a lot of people do turn to religion for support in times of real sadness as well as other times, but for me, it made a big difference in a horribly tragic situation.
As a result, Linda frequently visits the Jesuit Urban Center for a sense of belonging and support. In her words, she “found religion” as a way to handle the death of her close friend and former patient.
Linda reflects on her need to empathize with those in need. As much as it helps those that she serves, she realizes that it serves her own needs as well. She recognizes the potentially damaging effects of this need:
My whole life, I’ve really liked to reach out to people in need and that can be a good thing and it also can also be a dangerous thing because you can never meet everyone’s needs-you have unmet needs in the world, or you’ll end up not even existing yourself, only existing in that context. And that’s a dangerous thing, and not a very healthy thing.
Even though she is in the service industry, Linda describes dangerous “risks” inherent in her work. These include “losing balance” as well as over-committing to and overempathizing with people and “taking on their sorrow and sadness.” In her work, Linda believes, it is important to have “balance” and “empathy” and, at the same time, to “know your limits.”
(Source: http://www.thegoodproject.org/good-work/the-good-work-project/the-goodwork-toolkit/sample-narratives/empathy-how-much-is-too-much/)
Empathy: How Much is Too Much?
Linda is twenty-seven years old, lives in Boston, and is a professional nurse. She works at a respite unit at Boston’s Health Care for the Homeless. She provides direct nursing care (treatments and assessments) to patients and is also responsible for staff development and education.Growing up, Linda led an unconventional life. She grew up in Washington, D.C., in the 1960s, a time when “people were speaking out,” especially about ending the Vietnam War. Her parents were divorced, and she was raised predominantly by her mother, who, as Linda describes, had a “strong ethic to be an active member in society.” Her mother worked to help inner-city mothers develop parenting skills. She often brought children home with her. This interaction and, in particular, learning about where these children lived, was an “educational experience.” Linda also mentions that her father, a clinical researcher, had “similar values,” and often “overextended himself to patients.”
As a child, Linda was not engaged in a lot of “structured activities;” rather, she spent a lot of time outdoors. Starting at the age of eleven, she lived in Vermont for two years as part of a commune specializing in political activism through theater. As a group, everyone in the community traveled together, performed, and got paid. Linda says that she was often “taunted” because she was “from the city.”
As a child and young adult, Linda faced many challenges within her family. Her mother and sister were both mentally and emotionally unstable. Linda’s mother suffered from a lot of “emotional pain,” and her sister had “addiction problems.” Linda fi rmly believes that “pain brings empathy.” By helping her mother and her sister she learned to “reach out and help others.” Her sister’s illness pointed to a “compelling need” for education and leadership around addiction and mental-illness issues. From a young age, Linda realized that “we’re not all born with the same capacities, and we should help those in need.” As a child, she was intrigued in reading about the Holocaust and learning about individual experiences. Even today, she fi nds herself in “awe” of the human spirit.
Though her adolescence was “troubled,” Linda “persevered” in spite of difficult circumstances. At the age of sixteen, she got her own apartment and managed to get a job in a lab. Since then, she has worked in service of others. Because of her own ability to manage, Linda feels a sense of “hopefulness” for others. Linda feels an “obligation” to do as much as she can and to use the strengths she has been given. She believes in working hard and not taking resources for granted. Linda talks about her need to help others. She doesn’t necessarily do it because she wants to; she does it because she feels she has no other choice. She explains:
The other night in Jamaica Plain, I was walking down the street and a homeless man who I’d worked with at the respite program… looked up at me and said, ‘Hello, Linda!’ And, you know… that [was] very powerful to see-and I think it was maybe a year since I’d seen him and fi ve years since I’d worked with him as a nurse. But the connections that you make with people and the needs that you’re able to help them with… depending on who you are as a person, and what you need for your ego in life, I guess, being able to meet that kind of need for another human being meets a need for me.
At the same time, developing these kinds of relationships and over-empathizing with people can be risky. Linda says:
If you choose to work with people who have really extreme, unmet needs, and you empathize to such a large extent, you [can] take on their sorrow, their sadness, and then you’re not going to be able to do your work as effectively, plus be really down and depressed a lot of the time… and it’s interesting: where do you draw the line between professional goals and barriers and then personal? I mean, I don’t know. It’s hard.
Linda speaks from experience. She describes a relationship with Roberto, a patient from Guatemala whom she met at Healthcare for the Homeless and with whom she developed a “very strong, therapeutic relationship.” After he was no longer a patient, she reached out to be a sup-portive presence in his life. Roberto did not speak much English, had no family in the United States, and was struggling with alcoholism, loneliness, and depression. Linda’s boyfriend (also a nurse) befriended this young man as well, and both felt as though “Roberto was getting closer to making some major changes-decisions in his life that would be positive changes, and making contact with his family.” (He had been out of touch with them for a long time.)
Particularly in light of these positive changes, Linda was shocked to learn that Roberto had drowned in the Charles River. Linda and her boyfriend worked hard to make all the arrangements for his funeral and burial, which they strongly felt should be held in Guatemala. They tracked down his family members’ telephone numbers from one of her old phone bills and Linda called his sister (with whom she later “developed an incredibly strong friendship”). They also called anyone and everyone they could think of to ask for donations so that his body could be sent home. Linda says, “Roberto would want to be home with his family, and his family would so much want to have his body buried at home.”
Linda and her boyfriend orchestrated every detail, knowing that they would be unable to make the trip to Guatemala to be present at his funeral and burial. She explains how she observed this very difficult day from a distance:
Even though I had reservations about churches- [reservations] built from a lot of stereotypes in society about organized religion—I went that day [to a Jesuit Urban Center], and a portion of the service… was in Spanish, which I just was so moved by, I mean I was in tears pretty much the whole service, but I felt so much support there… I… needed a place to be able to have those feelings of sadness. And I think maybe a lot of people in that setting could understand because maybe a lot of people do turn to religion for support in times of real sadness as well as other times, but for me, it made a big difference in a horribly tragic situation.
As a result, Linda frequently visits the Jesuit Urban Center for a sense of belonging and support. In her words, she “found religion” as a way to handle the death of her close friend and former patient.
Linda reflects on her need to empathize with those in need. As much as it helps those that she serves, she realizes that it serves her own needs as well. She recognizes the potentially damaging effects of this need:
My whole life, I’ve really liked to reach out to people in need and that can be a good thing and it also can also be a dangerous thing because you can never meet everyone’s needs-you have unmet needs in the world, or you’ll end up not even existing yourself, only existing in that context. And that’s a dangerous thing, and not a very healthy thing.
Even though she is in the service industry, Linda describes dangerous “risks” inherent in her work. These include “losing balance” as well as over-committing to and overempathizing with people and “taking on their sorrow and sadness.” In her work, Linda believes, it is important to have “balance” and “empathy” and, at the same time, to “know your limits.”
(Source: http://www.thegoodproject.org/good-work/the-good-work-project/the-goodwork-toolkit/sample-narratives/empathy-how-much-is-too-much/)
Monday, May 19, 2014
randonma
I played basketball yesterday. I felt so lost at the end. The first game I played with one of the good player in the group. I was doing okay. Then I switched team, and that was a horrible loss. I blame myself a lot. I don't recall we scored single basket. The problem was the point guard position, which I think I should take it. But I practically gave up the the position to whomever. I felt horrible about it after the game. Horrendous, in fact. I can sum up many excuses as usual. But I am not gong to say much here. The feeling lingered even today. I could only work with 10% of what's left after the feeling. I so wish I could be awesome like that good player. But I was far far off. But most of all, I lacked the heart.
I did not play well in ping pong at work these few weeks. I think my sleeping habit need a bit straighten out.
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I got large carpenter ants in the ground at my backyard. I am thinking of how to get rid of it.
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It is horrendous that to feel like I am in a deep hole. No help at all. completely cut off.
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My mom is on the verge of breaking down. I think. Seeing how her father is right now. and the conflict thus aroused between her and her brother is taking a great toll. But I've always over think of this thing. If my mental process is a high way. The road sign always showed downhill, and slow down signs. lol.
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The good player we played yesterday, said something funny. a phrase, "chinese modesty". my sister was showing a friend the proper shooting form, that player was around, and said, "ah, you are a good Basketball teacher." my sister, know how good a player he is, said something modestly. I think that's how it went down. I felt a bit detest in his voice. I can immediately know why. Mother's father is living with uncle. I know exactly how annoying that could be. The annoyance lies in that it's not sincerely. I would say something like that too. I saw my grandpa kept telling uncle's friends how bad the food were in the party at my uncle's house. It was so annoying. Chinese modesty. Grandpa would not behave that way with my mom and my uncle privately. That modesty is a mask. What lies beneath it was not really a feeling of modesty, but a need to show off more, or to get people to like him. That being said, I still do not have other ways to express. There is no need to boast either. I want to be right on target.
My sister explained how she learned the right posture for shooting basketball afterwards. Then, people would forget what she said. and so would she.
But this thing got me thinking.
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客氣, 是一種禮貌. 但是, 極度的客氣, 不是. 適當的客氣, 可以與人融洽的氣氛. 也可以有真誠的感覺. 我現在又再說啥哩? 我豈不是對昨天的那場球賽懊惱嗎? 現在說到客氣和昨天的事情有關嗎?
我一字也不說, 坐在電腦螢幕前. 可是卻感覺, 電腦螢幕離我愈來愈遠.
I did not play well in ping pong at work these few weeks. I think my sleeping habit need a bit straighten out.
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I got large carpenter ants in the ground at my backyard. I am thinking of how to get rid of it.
-------------------------------------------
It is horrendous that to feel like I am in a deep hole. No help at all. completely cut off.
-------------------------------------------
My mom is on the verge of breaking down. I think. Seeing how her father is right now. and the conflict thus aroused between her and her brother is taking a great toll. But I've always over think of this thing. If my mental process is a high way. The road sign always showed downhill, and slow down signs. lol.
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The good player we played yesterday, said something funny. a phrase, "chinese modesty". my sister was showing a friend the proper shooting form, that player was around, and said, "ah, you are a good Basketball teacher." my sister, know how good a player he is, said something modestly. I think that's how it went down. I felt a bit detest in his voice. I can immediately know why. Mother's father is living with uncle. I know exactly how annoying that could be. The annoyance lies in that it's not sincerely. I would say something like that too. I saw my grandpa kept telling uncle's friends how bad the food were in the party at my uncle's house. It was so annoying. Chinese modesty. Grandpa would not behave that way with my mom and my uncle privately. That modesty is a mask. What lies beneath it was not really a feeling of modesty, but a need to show off more, or to get people to like him. That being said, I still do not have other ways to express. There is no need to boast either. I want to be right on target.
My sister explained how she learned the right posture for shooting basketball afterwards. Then, people would forget what she said. and so would she.
But this thing got me thinking.
-------------------------------------------
客氣, 是一種禮貌. 但是, 極度的客氣, 不是. 適當的客氣, 可以與人融洽的氣氛. 也可以有真誠的感覺. 我現在又再說啥哩? 我豈不是對昨天的那場球賽懊惱嗎? 現在說到客氣和昨天的事情有關嗎?
我一字也不說, 坐在電腦螢幕前. 可是卻感覺, 電腦螢幕離我愈來愈遠.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
life so far
I started to have a regular job. But every problem that I have is still there. I was never naive about having a job at first, and all my problems would soon go away. I can also foresee that every troublesome scenario in my head. Now I filled my life with work. I pushed myself to see some the real nakedness, I could not fulfill that emptiness. All the things I personally want to do, no matter how little, I could not push myself to do them. Whenever, I was with myself, My head just went blanc. I wake with a dreadful dreadful sadness every morning. I still wish to die. But I know I will not do it. Because, I don't do anything I myself want to do. Instead, I wait. Until one day, the world came which he already did. Regular job was first step. But didn't I want a regular job? Yes. But I do what job said. Then after that 8 hours. Nothing. Not a thing. You have no idea How much Hate for myself. Nada!
The situation should be ransomed easily. right? right. Just fucking do it already! NO, but there're excuses, I don't want to be uncle. I don't want to be my dad. I don't want to be my mom. I am all those people that I know of, with their worst attributes in me. do I blame them? No, I blame myself. I feel I see, but I do not. Blind as I am, what I say, could only reflect a blind man's visual. Blanc.
The situation should be ransomed easily. right? right. Just fucking do it already! NO, but there're excuses, I don't want to be uncle. I don't want to be my dad. I don't want to be my mom. I am all those people that I know of, with their worst attributes in me. do I blame them? No, I blame myself. I feel I see, but I do not. Blind as I am, what I say, could only reflect a blind man's visual. Blanc.
movies so far
I watched a few movies lately.
saving mr. banks. It's a biopic about author of mary poppins. I liked it a lot. The movie used the conflict between Mr. Disney and author of Mary poppins to grind out the story. Emma's performance was top notch. Tom was great also. The movie made me watch mary poppins again. Although I am still not that into mary poppins, I focused on different parts of the movie than before. For I always thought the story was a bout the two kids. But it was indeed about the Father.
Riddick. I love pitch black. But the subsequent Riddick movies were obsolete. The trailer of this movie seemed to bring the pitch black memory back. That gave me incentive to see the movie. It was a disaster still. They indeed tried to bring Riddick to pitch black root. But they could not stage enough challenge and mystery to Riddick anymore. 2 teams tried to hunt Riddick, plus a storm that would bring monsters out of slump to kill Riddick. It sounded weird that it's not challenge enough. Somehow it failed. some of the scene was even comical and cheesy. Very sad.
enough said. I liked this movie. The two lead characters have good chemistry. I kind know where the plotline was leading to, however, the intricate characters in the movie made me care for them. The audience can sort of feel what those characters were feeling. The empathy helped to lift the movie out of a possibility of cliche.
Rush. it was such a good movie. It's another biopic about two formula drivers. I think it had a great narrative, so that two characters were drawn with real blood, and the audience can feel their pumping hearts. It did not try to avoid their character flaws. I consider the plot line to be really difficult. But the director and the writer somehow fused two fierce characters in a single story, but neither characters got outshone. They somehow complement each other and made each individual standout more than if the picture was about just one of them.
5 minutes of heaven. I always thought this movie would be too depressing. But it turned out to be a very good thriller. The Mr. Nesbitt was incredible. He was the fire, or engine of the movie. Mr. Neesam did a great job reflecting that heat. The let down was when they lifted the thrills. The way they lifted the thrill was a bit cheap. But at the end, I liked the movie, because it finds a way to relieve.
book thief. It was another movie about nazi period. It was a engrossing movie. It used that time period as a backdrop, but it was actually a movie about growing up. The lead actress was very good. two supporting casts were awesome. The plot line did not have exaggerated emotions. But it quickly drew me in with interesting characters, little secrets.
saving mr. banks. It's a biopic about author of mary poppins. I liked it a lot. The movie used the conflict between Mr. Disney and author of Mary poppins to grind out the story. Emma's performance was top notch. Tom was great also. The movie made me watch mary poppins again. Although I am still not that into mary poppins, I focused on different parts of the movie than before. For I always thought the story was a bout the two kids. But it was indeed about the Father.
Riddick. I love pitch black. But the subsequent Riddick movies were obsolete. The trailer of this movie seemed to bring the pitch black memory back. That gave me incentive to see the movie. It was a disaster still. They indeed tried to bring Riddick to pitch black root. But they could not stage enough challenge and mystery to Riddick anymore. 2 teams tried to hunt Riddick, plus a storm that would bring monsters out of slump to kill Riddick. It sounded weird that it's not challenge enough. Somehow it failed. some of the scene was even comical and cheesy. Very sad.
enough said. I liked this movie. The two lead characters have good chemistry. I kind know where the plotline was leading to, however, the intricate characters in the movie made me care for them. The audience can sort of feel what those characters were feeling. The empathy helped to lift the movie out of a possibility of cliche.
Rush. it was such a good movie. It's another biopic about two formula drivers. I think it had a great narrative, so that two characters were drawn with real blood, and the audience can feel their pumping hearts. It did not try to avoid their character flaws. I consider the plot line to be really difficult. But the director and the writer somehow fused two fierce characters in a single story, but neither characters got outshone. They somehow complement each other and made each individual standout more than if the picture was about just one of them.
5 minutes of heaven. I always thought this movie would be too depressing. But it turned out to be a very good thriller. The Mr. Nesbitt was incredible. He was the fire, or engine of the movie. Mr. Neesam did a great job reflecting that heat. The let down was when they lifted the thrills. The way they lifted the thrill was a bit cheap. But at the end, I liked the movie, because it finds a way to relieve.
book thief. It was another movie about nazi period. It was a engrossing movie. It used that time period as a backdrop, but it was actually a movie about growing up. The lead actress was very good. two supporting casts were awesome. The plot line did not have exaggerated emotions. But it quickly drew me in with interesting characters, little secrets.
Friday, March 28, 2014
有趣的話
I was learning to drive a forklift. After I pulled a pallet and transported it to a place then put it down. I tried to back up. The first thing I did was not pressing on gas pedal. I tried to turn the wheel first. For in my mind, I kept thinking that it's different with forklift when it comes to turning comparing to a regular automobile. The instructor immediately stopped me and asked why I turned the wheel first when I have no idea which way was my wheel turned to. I suddenly realized what he meant. We have to try to move the forklift first, to feel which way my back tire was turning towards. Then, I can decide, how much turn I need to adjust. I felt it's a great lesson for life as well.
I can't really say what's the lesson for life yet. But I will record here, for later elaboration.
I can't really say what's the lesson for life yet. But I will record here, for later elaboration.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
it is from a friend
我有一個美國友人. 他是一個黑人. 有一次他到大陸去. 他見到的大多數大陸人都問, 咦, 你是非洲哪個國家來的? 我這朋友說, 我是美國人. 這些大陸人卻都說, 你是非洲人. 他很是懊惱. 那時候, 大陸和日本正在因為釣魚臺鬧個不休. 我那朋友有一天終於忍不住了, 和一個老說我朋友是非洲來的大陸人說, 你看起來不像中國來的. 那個大陸老兄很驚奇, 說, 那我象哪兒來的? 我朋友說, 你明明就是一個日本人! 那個大陸人馬上大聲否認! 我是中國人, 你為啥說我是日本人! 那你為啥說我是非洲來的? 我朋友也反問道. 大陸人卻沒有想到其中的關聯. 他就一直在替自己辯護...
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我有另一個歐裔美國友人. 他和他太太很相愛. 他太太也是一個歐裔美國人. 有一次, 他們到大陸去工作. 結果, 走到哪兒, 他們都很受歡迎. 尤其是那位美國友人. 他長得很高, 臉也有書卷氣. 結果, 他們回來說, 大陸令他們倆滿害怕的. 因為, 不只一次, 好些大陸人問他要不要結婚. 他回答, 我有太太了. 那些大陸人說, 那是你的美國太太, 你應該也要一個中國太太... 他走到哪, 都要把他太太的照片掛出來, 表示謝絕別人這方面的一切美意... 從此, 他和他太太更相愛了.
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我以前聽說, 大陸人的一些傳聞. 我都不怎麼相信. 可是, 現在, 我實在不得不信... 令人咋舌! 當然, 這兩位朋友, 去的地方都相對偏僻一點, 不是北京, 上海之類的大地方. 卻不得不令我感到驚訝.
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我有另一個歐裔美國友人. 他和他太太很相愛. 他太太也是一個歐裔美國人. 有一次, 他們到大陸去工作. 結果, 走到哪兒, 他們都很受歡迎. 尤其是那位美國友人. 他長得很高, 臉也有書卷氣. 結果, 他們回來說, 大陸令他們倆滿害怕的. 因為, 不只一次, 好些大陸人問他要不要結婚. 他回答, 我有太太了. 那些大陸人說, 那是你的美國太太, 你應該也要一個中國太太... 他走到哪, 都要把他太太的照片掛出來, 表示謝絕別人這方面的一切美意... 從此, 他和他太太更相愛了.
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我以前聽說, 大陸人的一些傳聞. 我都不怎麼相信. 可是, 現在, 我實在不得不信... 令人咋舌! 當然, 這兩位朋友, 去的地方都相對偏僻一點, 不是北京, 上海之類的大地方. 卻不得不令我感到驚訝.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
TIKITIKITIKI
I watched a movie titled, Kon Tiki. It was a movie about a true event happened in year 1947, I think... I watched it because I saw someone compared the movie to life of pi. In the comparison, that someone said true event is better than an imagined story however beautifully shot.
I like life of pi a lot, I mean a lot. So, I detest that statement. I immediately reserved the movie version of Kon tiki at library. I also rent the documentary about kon tiki. The documentary was shot during the true voyage of kon tiki by the scientists involved in the journey in 1947. It won best documentary in the subsequent Oscar for best documentary. In a period of political calamity, it really stood out in many levels.
But as I delve in deeper, after I watched the movie. I was a bit distraught. The movie version of the event was a fairly standard movie, in my opinion. For in reality, the journey was well provided by the US military. Since US military wanted to test many things in the journey, including newly developed ration, even experimental shark repellent. The local Peru government supported the journey as well. For national pride, of course. And for the story's sake, the director and script writers had to engineer a weak character to create conflict. This artificial act not only made the movie conventional, it felt like an easy way out. Though I have to admit, I am a bit jaded about movies.
But what shocked me the most, was the constant message of Faith kept coming up! It really reminded me of life of pi in some way. These two movie really had a lot of similarity. The wonder of sea creatures, which created many fascinated shots in life of pi, did wonder to Kon tiki as well. And when the parrot was eaten by shark, the emotion went high. The elements of innocence, faith, and wonder of nature, which made men small, was all there. But that's where the similarity ended.
The difference between the two movie, I think was that Kon tiki eventually is a movie about conquering nature. Life of pi is eventually a movie about human nature. And that's where it bugged me. I already know the results of Kon tiki. The ending of the movie doesn't give me a sense of wonder. The truth contained in the movie was watered down, especially after extended research on my part. I also know the results of life of pi. But it still give me a sense of larger than life experience. Because the message was not about the result. On the contrary, it was the process.
I've kept pondering on the message of life of pi. I've written two journals about it too. But I could not come to the conclusion. With Kon tiki experience, it seemed to lead me to a probable one. Life of pi was eventually a growing up movie, a boy becomes a man. During the process, changes happen. When I was reading quote from the movie on rottentomatoes. Most people quote this one,
"Adult Pi Patel: I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye."
It is this quote, that let me realize at the end what the movie was about.
Kon tiki, on the other hand, did not have such message. No one can deny the bravado of the men who's on the journey, especially the scientist who started the journey and cannot even swim! But it is the limit of a movie portraying a true event. Because that true event was only a medium to a message, or an illusion. If the message failed to deliver its importance, or the illusion failed to deliver its magnificence, then the whole movie flopped.
All these negativity is not intended to belittle Kon tiki. For on its own, it had a calm and old style pace. It felt like a gracious glide on the surface of a deep blue sea under sunny sky. I do think it's a missed opportunity though. I believe it could be better.
I like life of pi a lot, I mean a lot. So, I detest that statement. I immediately reserved the movie version of Kon tiki at library. I also rent the documentary about kon tiki. The documentary was shot during the true voyage of kon tiki by the scientists involved in the journey in 1947. It won best documentary in the subsequent Oscar for best documentary. In a period of political calamity, it really stood out in many levels.
But as I delve in deeper, after I watched the movie. I was a bit distraught. The movie version of the event was a fairly standard movie, in my opinion. For in reality, the journey was well provided by the US military. Since US military wanted to test many things in the journey, including newly developed ration, even experimental shark repellent. The local Peru government supported the journey as well. For national pride, of course. And for the story's sake, the director and script writers had to engineer a weak character to create conflict. This artificial act not only made the movie conventional, it felt like an easy way out. Though I have to admit, I am a bit jaded about movies.
But what shocked me the most, was the constant message of Faith kept coming up! It really reminded me of life of pi in some way. These two movie really had a lot of similarity. The wonder of sea creatures, which created many fascinated shots in life of pi, did wonder to Kon tiki as well. And when the parrot was eaten by shark, the emotion went high. The elements of innocence, faith, and wonder of nature, which made men small, was all there. But that's where the similarity ended.
The difference between the two movie, I think was that Kon tiki eventually is a movie about conquering nature. Life of pi is eventually a movie about human nature. And that's where it bugged me. I already know the results of Kon tiki. The ending of the movie doesn't give me a sense of wonder. The truth contained in the movie was watered down, especially after extended research on my part. I also know the results of life of pi. But it still give me a sense of larger than life experience. Because the message was not about the result. On the contrary, it was the process.
I've kept pondering on the message of life of pi. I've written two journals about it too. But I could not come to the conclusion. With Kon tiki experience, it seemed to lead me to a probable one. Life of pi was eventually a growing up movie, a boy becomes a man. During the process, changes happen. When I was reading quote from the movie on rottentomatoes. Most people quote this one,
"Adult Pi Patel: I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye."
It is this quote, that let me realize at the end what the movie was about.
Kon tiki, on the other hand, did not have such message. No one can deny the bravado of the men who's on the journey, especially the scientist who started the journey and cannot even swim! But it is the limit of a movie portraying a true event. Because that true event was only a medium to a message, or an illusion. If the message failed to deliver its importance, or the illusion failed to deliver its magnificence, then the whole movie flopped.
All these negativity is not intended to belittle Kon tiki. For on its own, it had a calm and old style pace. It felt like a gracious glide on the surface of a deep blue sea under sunny sky. I do think it's a missed opportunity though. I believe it could be better.
對話
今天又發了一次巨大的脾氣. 每次發脾氣都要毀壞一些東西. 那不然怎麼辦? 爲了五塊錢,值嗎? 以後, 又爲老媽增加材料. 這可以選擇的嗎? 我今天從外面回來的時候, 頭有點痛. So? Your point being? 沒啥, 只是說說. 這次之前, 他也說過類似的話. 我也很不高興, 可我忍了下來. 今天不知怎地就是壓不下去. 為了五塊錢哪... 我五塊錢拿回來了. 這都是外公的錯. 也不見得. 那是誰的錯? 爲啥一定要找碴呢? 那不然怎麼辦? 我可沒有不在乎錢. Who cares? 說話不是嗎? 認真哪?! 現在是這樣說啊. 那時, 你在哪? 我在想佩蘭阿姨下午的那通電話也有關係吧? 有. 爲啥呢? 總是感覺別人輕視吧? 大概有一點... 那怎麼辦呢? 都是錢的錯. 可能也有點忌妒外公吧? 我看是很有一點. 是的, 他只要稍微稱讚一下老媽, 老媽就心花怒放. 我是不能比的. 每次都是錢. 錢, 錢, 錢，錢. 沒辦法讓老媽高興. 只有不斷的讓他失望. 失望. 想想, 那時在大學的時候, 小瑋一有事就打電話來, 我在那邊一點辦法都沒有. 心情壞透了. 自己的事情也處理不好. 沒法和別人相處. 最後回家了. 回家的 shock. Yeah, talking about shock... 現在只要發脾氣, 都是因為我的 "病"!
五塊錢... 只要我發脾氣一定是我的錯. 他說他道歉了. 每個人都可以看的出來, 他也不是真心的. 他以前說小瑋從不真心道歉. 他這次也差不多. 而且每次發脾氣, 老媽都變的像一堵牆. 他會在我發脾氣的時候說, 這樣發脾氣是不對的. 東西都打壞了, 價錢不只五塊錢. 爲啥要發脾氣? 只是一句話而已. 都很像外公. 老媽上次在外公面前大發脾氣, 跺腳, 外公保持著笑臉, 最多說, 別發脾氣, 父女嘛, 說說話而已... 就是為了外公, 也爲了要報帳給舅舅, 說啥一定要發票. 是的, 一個五塊錢的發票! 五塊錢的發票, 老媽說我不在乎錢! 我是不在乎錢. 應該不在乎給他看看. 我每個月必須要發五百塊錢到他帳上. 實在是不能忘了.
我是沒辦法使他快樂的. 我很生氣這一點. 沒辦法給他安全感, 沒辦法令他感到高興. 別人都很高興的談論自己的小孩. 只有他. 可是外公稍微稱讚一句話, 他就快樂了. 我哪能跟外公比? 小孩的快樂, 是容易滿足的. 因為大人可以是常常陰天. 但是一朝出太陽了, 那總是令娃兒雀躍.
小瑋給媽媽找來了. 我這次真的是氣瘋了. 五塊錢. 我說我送外公了. 老媽說我不在乎錢. 我要殺了外公. 我要報仇! 都是錢. 我很想殺人. 五塊錢! 我去 Target 買五塊錢的膠帶. 外公不要老媽買的一塊錢的透明膠帶. 他老人家要看不見的膠帶. Target 賣的看不見的膠帶, 現在叫做 magic 膠帶. 我搞了半天才搞懂. 很無聊. 外公很無聊. Target 也很無聊. 小瑋現在可以帶給媽媽一點倚靠. 他來了, 講講後, 帶媽媽一起去買菜. 媽媽回來後, 很明顯情緒波動仍很大. 可是表面克制住了. 而且有點倚靠, 終究好一點. 我也是稍微平靜下來. 我還是很不穩定. 我想老媽也是. 可是, 希望到了明天大家都忘了好. 雖說那是不可能的. 就這樣一次次的把我和老媽的關係刻損脫落.
五塊錢... 只要我發脾氣一定是我的錯. 他說他道歉了. 每個人都可以看的出來, 他也不是真心的. 他以前說小瑋從不真心道歉. 他這次也差不多. 而且每次發脾氣, 老媽都變的像一堵牆. 他會在我發脾氣的時候說, 這樣發脾氣是不對的. 東西都打壞了, 價錢不只五塊錢. 爲啥要發脾氣? 只是一句話而已. 都很像外公. 老媽上次在外公面前大發脾氣, 跺腳, 外公保持著笑臉, 最多說, 別發脾氣, 父女嘛, 說說話而已... 就是為了外公, 也爲了要報帳給舅舅, 說啥一定要發票. 是的, 一個五塊錢的發票! 五塊錢的發票, 老媽說我不在乎錢! 我是不在乎錢. 應該不在乎給他看看. 我每個月必須要發五百塊錢到他帳上. 實在是不能忘了.
我是沒辦法使他快樂的. 我很生氣這一點. 沒辦法給他安全感, 沒辦法令他感到高興. 別人都很高興的談論自己的小孩. 只有他. 可是外公稍微稱讚一句話, 他就快樂了. 我哪能跟外公比? 小孩的快樂, 是容易滿足的. 因為大人可以是常常陰天. 但是一朝出太陽了, 那總是令娃兒雀躍.
小瑋給媽媽找來了. 我這次真的是氣瘋了. 五塊錢. 我說我送外公了. 老媽說我不在乎錢. 我要殺了外公. 我要報仇! 都是錢. 我很想殺人. 五塊錢! 我去 Target 買五塊錢的膠帶. 外公不要老媽買的一塊錢的透明膠帶. 他老人家要看不見的膠帶. Target 賣的看不見的膠帶, 現在叫做 magic 膠帶. 我搞了半天才搞懂. 很無聊. 外公很無聊. Target 也很無聊. 小瑋現在可以帶給媽媽一點倚靠. 他來了, 講講後, 帶媽媽一起去買菜. 媽媽回來後, 很明顯情緒波動仍很大. 可是表面克制住了. 而且有點倚靠, 終究好一點. 我也是稍微平靜下來. 我還是很不穩定. 我想老媽也是. 可是, 希望到了明天大家都忘了好. 雖說那是不可能的. 就這樣一次次的把我和老媽的關係刻損脫落.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
to do list
人生乏味的很. 除了不斷分離, 就是不斷衝突. 到處都是對立, 再不然就是對著牆冷笑.
我想了半天, 說, 如此活下去, 不如早早離開人世. 漆黑的夜晚. 正是如此行的好時光.
我又轉念其他的事情. 我死的時候會不會再看到她一面.
人家都說死前, 重要的事情會象翻書一樣. 又出現在眼前. 還有東東. 寶寶也會吧.
還是, 這眼前的影像會是我想逃跑的事物? 如果是這樣, 那是我欺騙自己嗎?
她, 東東, 和寶寶? 這時候, 我哪有時間哀嘆.
不. 我沒有欺騙自己. 這三件寶貝是我想要的.
我要哀嘆. 重要的事又哪只這三件呢? 父母, 兄妹, 相識的人. 和各種想要做的事.
不過, 如果可以, 我豈不希望這三件呢? 我反覆的糾纏. 編織的夢幻. 豈不就為了他們嗎?
是啊. 到最後, 我還是要這三件夢幻來安慰我. 即使在死前的哀嚎中, 也不能離開.
我心中是這樣想的嗎? 是那樣寫在牆上了嗎?
我想了半天, 說, 如此活下去, 不如早早離開人世. 漆黑的夜晚. 正是如此行的好時光.
我又轉念其他的事情. 我死的時候會不會再看到她一面.
人家都說死前, 重要的事情會象翻書一樣. 又出現在眼前. 還有東東. 寶寶也會吧.
還是, 這眼前的影像會是我想逃跑的事物? 如果是這樣, 那是我欺騙自己嗎?
她, 東東, 和寶寶? 這時候, 我哪有時間哀嘆.
不. 我沒有欺騙自己. 這三件寶貝是我想要的.
我要哀嘆. 重要的事又哪只這三件呢? 父母, 兄妹, 相識的人. 和各種想要做的事.
不過, 如果可以, 我豈不希望這三件呢? 我反覆的糾纏. 編織的夢幻. 豈不就為了他們嗎?
是啊. 到最後, 我還是要這三件夢幻來安慰我. 即使在死前的哀嚎中, 也不能離開.
我心中是這樣想的嗎? 是那樣寫在牆上了嗎?
Friday, December 27, 2013
lyrics
望春風
作詞: 李臨秋
作曲: 鄧雨賢
目前流行歌詞版本
獨夜無伴守燈下，清風對面吹
十七八歲未出嫁，當（音dng）著少年家
果然標緻面肉白，誰家人子弟
想要問伊驚歹勢，心內彈琵琶
想要郎君作尪婿，意愛在心裡
等待何時君來採，青春花當開
聽見外面有人來，開門該看覓
月娘笑阮憨大獃，被風騙不知
最早原版歌詞
獨夜無伴佇燈下 清風對面吹
十七八未出嫁 見著少年家
果然標緻面肉白 誰家人子弟
想欲問他驚呆勢 心內彈琵琶
思欲郎君作尪婿 意愛在心內
等何時 君來採 青春花當開
忽聽外頭有人來 開門該看覓
月老笑阮怣大獃 被風騙不知
作詞: 李臨秋
作曲: 鄧雨賢
目前流行歌詞版本
獨夜無伴守燈下，清風對面吹
十七八歲未出嫁，當（音dng）著少年家
果然標緻面肉白，誰家人子弟
想要問伊驚歹勢，心內彈琵琶
想要郎君作尪婿，意愛在心裡
等待何時君來採，青春花當開
聽見外面有人來，開門該看覓
月娘笑阮憨大獃，被風騙不知
- 驚歹勢：害怕不好意思
最早原版歌詞
獨夜無伴佇燈下 清風對面吹
十七八未出嫁 見著少年家
果然標緻面肉白 誰家人子弟
想欲問他驚呆勢 心內彈琵琶
思欲郎君作尪婿 意愛在心內
等何時 君來採 青春花當開
忽聽外頭有人來 開門該看覓
月老笑阮怣大獃 被風騙不知
Sunday, December 22, 2013
freezing cold
I went to see a disney movie called Frozen. It was really good. It seemed like a trend Mulan to rapunzel, from brave to now frozen. Of all these movies, it kept showing a girl with strong will. They can take initiation, very active, filled with dreams and courage and ability to acted it out. All the men are either dumb, cute, or without not much goals. Interesting.
But I have to say that frozen is really well made. There's something strike me in the core. I love the song where elsa sing about a storm inside her brewing. I like the twist where an act of love is no longer a kiss from lovers. I love that a true between a man and a woman is no longer a love at first sight but through experiences endured by both parties. everyone has a good amount of motivation that audience can understand. Compared with brave, the solution to the fundamental problem in the movie was answered properly. But of course, brave's problem was much harder to solve, because the conflict was between two main characters which was very real and direct. The conflict in Frozen was not really between the two main characters, it was mainly in elsa herself.
I was surprised that this is a movie with songs. but maybe I was being naive. it is a disney movie, what was I thinking. The songs were mostly ignorable though. I was glad to see the little classic cartoon before the main title. It's a smart remix of old cartoon and modern style. A good throwback really. That reminds of me old movie procedure. I do felt a bit uncomfortable with those violence mimicked in comical way. I felt weird, I should be desensitized against it by now. That said something of old humor, of the old times, and of myself as well.
But I have to say that frozen is really well made. There's something strike me in the core. I love the song where elsa sing about a storm inside her brewing. I like the twist where an act of love is no longer a kiss from lovers. I love that a true between a man and a woman is no longer a love at first sight but through experiences endured by both parties. everyone has a good amount of motivation that audience can understand. Compared with brave, the solution to the fundamental problem in the movie was answered properly. But of course, brave's problem was much harder to solve, because the conflict was between two main characters which was very real and direct. The conflict in Frozen was not really between the two main characters, it was mainly in elsa herself.
I was surprised that this is a movie with songs. but maybe I was being naive. it is a disney movie, what was I thinking. The songs were mostly ignorable though. I was glad to see the little classic cartoon before the main title. It's a smart remix of old cartoon and modern style. A good throwback really. That reminds of me old movie procedure. I do felt a bit uncomfortable with those violence mimicked in comical way. I felt weird, I should be desensitized against it by now. That said something of old humor, of the old times, and of myself as well.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
某一天和其他
不怎麼想寫, 但是, 還是得找人談談. 不斷的想在自己的部落格上寫, 總是沒能夠開始. 我想有個對象, 或許比較容易寫出來.
今天下午一點半到舅舅家. 舅舅全家不在, 我叫了兩聲都沒人, 脫了鞋子正準備往裡看看. 媽媽偷偷的跑到客廳, 從他的皮包裡拿出三四張紙給我看. 還要我別要出聲, 說, 希望外公可以睡午覺, 如果他看到我, 他又不睡了.
四張紙上, 媽媽寫了大大的字:
1. 你一天到晚說我什麼都不懂, 我一天到晚為你做菜, 想你x什麼. 你為什麼一天到晚說我什麼都不懂. 你每天高興的事就是罵我.
2. 現在除了老王做麵食給你, 只有我在替你想給你吃什麼. 但是, 你天天只會說我什麼都不懂.
3. 我尊重你是我老爸, 也請你尊重我, 天下沒有什麼都懂得人, 也沒有什麼都不懂得人(除了白痴). 每個人懂得東西也許不一樣而已.
4. 你敢罵蕭雲嗎?
看完後, 媽媽說他今天大發脾氣. 他說自從那以後, 外公都很安靜. 他自己也躲到房間內裝睡, 希望外公也去睡覺. 所以, 我也馬上就走了.
快 四點的時候, 媽媽才回到家. 是的, 陪了一個晚上後, 他又陪到將近四點. 舅舅, 舅媽回來後, 媽媽除了第四張紙沒給舅媽看, 其餘的都秀出來. 舅媽禮貌的回應, 說也給舅舅看, 大家都知道舅舅是不會要看的. 舅舅的反應只是, 老人都是這樣. 另外, 舅舅還說, 現在他的身體還好, 沒檢查出啥大毛病, 但是萬一他有個三長兩短, 舅媽是不會照顧外公的. 到時候, 一定是住到我們家.
媽媽 回家後在沙發上慢慢跟我說到底是怎麼一回事. 早上我去的時候似乎都還好啊, 媽媽幫外公寫通訊簿. 媽媽說一切都還要等到中午. 中午到了, 要準備吃飯, 媽媽本來想切個肉絲, 肉丁啥的. 之前在舅舅的冰庫裡看到一塊肉, 以為可以用, 結果拿出來一看, 03/2012, 不敢用了. 又放回冰庫去. 因為不知道舅媽是怎麼樣的作業程序. 至少, 媽媽是不敢用了. 可是這樣一來, 家裡著實無啥東西可吃了. 除了早上媽媽煮的一鍋稀飯, 還有外公上星期吩咐要蒸的棗子. 剩下的, 就是媽媽昨天去老人中心做義工帶回來的一些洋芋泥. 哦, 還有媽媽昨天晚上很累的時候做的燒餅. 燒餅, 也是外公前兩個星期提到的. 他似乎懷念在蘇州出門就有燒餅吃. 他從一塊錢吃到三塊五. 所以上星期中, 我到 youtube 找了一個影片, 昨天我下班回來, 他即使很累仍堅持要做. 成品很脆, 媽媽帶了四個去, 外公說他咬不動. 媽媽也帶了一些肉鬆. 早上沒吃肉鬆, 可是現在看看實在沒啥食物, 外公也只好吃吃肉鬆. 外公說他不吃肉鬆, 因為外婆不能吃油,, 所以他這十幾年也跟著不吃了.
在問清楚舅舅舅媽或著是毛和 Michele 不回來吃飯, 午飯也就跟著開始. 照慣例, 所有外公吃的東西都要是滾燙的. 一開始, 一盤肉鬆擺在外公面前. 洋芋泥拿在微波爐裡, 翻來覆去熱了四次, 總算夠燙了. 媽媽想, 外公喜歡吃燙的, 就把肉鬆擺開, 把滾燙的洋芋泥放到他面前. 外公看到肉鬆時已經開始唸了. 現在肉鬆挪開, 看到洋芋泥擺在他眼前, 他好像被侮辱了一樣. 開始 "教訓" 媽媽: 這芋泥是最賤的東西, 連白飯都比它強. 你啊, 就是不學, 所以啥都不懂. 竟然把這玩意兒替代了肉鬆! 接著就是長達一小時的 "訓話". 媽媽說他一開始也忍. 一小時後, 外公還在說, 他終於忍不住了, 他在紙上寫到, 我也是北一女出來的, 也在立法院做過事, 怎麼會啥都不懂. 外公看了, 笑笑, 輕描淡寫的說: "這北一女算是白讀了." 我認為這句話, 是深深刺傷他的心. 但是, 外公是不停的. 他繼續說他的. 再說下去, 不只怎地, 又講到溫家寶說的, "中國人就是沒常識!" 這句話我印象是很深的. 因為就是他講這句話, 讓在蘇州的沈阿姨笑也笑不下去, 飯也吃不下去. 而我幾乎氣的要摔筷子的那個晚飯. 媽媽這時是再也忍不住了. 手一拍在桌上, 就站了起來, 用力的寫下以上這些字句. 然後收了碗筷, 站在洗碗槽前直跺腳. 外公看到這情況, 就安靜了. 只是喃喃的說, "就父女倆說說話嘛..."
媽媽說, 以前和外婆也是一樣. 但是講的內容不一樣. 外公是不會說外婆啥都不懂, 但是, 他會說錢. 外公會說都是因為你, 所以錢不夠用, 錢全花在醫藥費和醫生上了. 說啊說, 外婆是不回嘴的. 直到最後, 外婆受不了了, 就大發一場脾氣. 那時, 換外公安靜了. 這事媽媽不只講過一遍, 但是, 確實是這一兩年內媽媽才提到的. 之前, 他不肯談.
--------------------------------------------------------
母 親在上星期四的時候請了外公, 舅舅, 舅媽, 和王君來家裡吃飯. 外公說要來我們家吃飯已經說了兩三個星期了. 媽媽本來因為星期二又有大雪, 他準備延期到陽曆元旦. 但是, 他說他不能等了, 不然他整天整夜的在想這事. 他前一兩個星期就在準備菜單. 一開始是甜菜湯, 後來又改. 媽媽最後的菜單是: 栗子煨白菜, 甜排骨, 涼拌馬蘭頭, 干貝花菜, 烤鮭魚, 鮭魚番茄濃湯. 那天我上班, 不在家. 前一夜, 媽媽跟我說, 很抱歉, 我明天要一大早就要做菜, 你早餐要去買麥當勞. 不過, 我早上還是有果汁泥. 他一大早就在做甜排骨, 我七點下樓他就要我嚐. 我看他汁都還沒收, 就想味道一定還沒有進去, 我就耍賴了, 說既然已經燒了個把個鐘頭, 可以大火收汁了. 汁收了, 可一咬, 我得承認, 這東西還沒夠軟. 我是可以吃了, 外公恐怕不行. 媽媽就埋怨我, 剛剛叫我嚐的! 我趕快開溜. 一路上有點自怨自艾. 我就是懶...
我對這事是沒存啥希望的. 誰都不能知道外公到底喜歡吃啥. 充滿了悲觀的情懷. 一整天在工作的地方都不大對勁. 深怕一回去, 媽媽又要抱怨外公啥都不喜歡. 開車到家, 才在窗口就可以聽到媽媽大聲的講電話. 一進去, 他就給我看他的手指, 又是繃帶! 我說, 又切到手了? 媽媽說, 你才不知道哩. 外公從開始吃飯到兩點多鐘回去都在批評. 外公一來, 就教舅舅從一樓看到二樓. 然後開始午餐. 甜排骨, 咬不動; 涼伴馬蘭頭, "郎的", 得要拿去熱; 栗子煨白菜很好; 烤鮭魚太乾. 眾人的意見都和他不同. 照例, 東西吃吃, 又要拿去熱. 舅媽在微波爐裡熱食物都是要蓋子的. 媽媽把微波爐裡熱好的東西拿出來, 蓋子拿不下來. 他硬來, 結果碗摔到地上去. 媽媽的手指給刮破了. 他現在有個現象, 就是血很不容易止住. 大家手忙腳亂的收拾, 媽媽也把止不注血的手指頭趕快拿去沖洗消毒. 外公還在那裡不斷埋怨媽媽, 怎麼就是不給他吃魚. 後來飯上來了, 王君馬上說, 咦, 這飯裡糯米! 原來媽媽知道外公喜歡有點糯米的, 結果呢? 外公說, 這飯太硬了, 他吃不來. 接下來, 就是批評媽媽不會做主人. 講了一個小時. 干貝菜花也忘在爐上. 大家也沒喝啥湯. 舅媽早就受不了了, 坐在客廳上看書. 後來找個理由回家說要給舅舅裝去工作的便當. 一點, 舅舅回去休息, 小睡一小時後去工作. 外公說要喝咖啡. 王君怎麼會肯. 喝了, 晚上不睡覺, 王君倒楣. 最後, 折衷, 媽媽打了果汁泥, 大家喝了也高興了. 不過, 外公仍要喝滾燙的.
媽媽昨天晚上回來刷牙, 出發去舅家前說, 舅舅說的外公還在說那個栗子煨白菜很好吃. 我說, 至少, 還有一道菜他喜歡的. 很好很好. 後來, 遇到舅媽, 舅媽說, 他爸爸要是看到他手指流血, 是一定不會像外公那樣的. 馬上要過來幫忙止血的...
今天下午一點半到舅舅家. 舅舅全家不在, 我叫了兩聲都沒人, 脫了鞋子正準備往裡看看. 媽媽偷偷的跑到客廳, 從他的皮包裡拿出三四張紙給我看. 還要我別要出聲, 說, 希望外公可以睡午覺, 如果他看到我, 他又不睡了.
四張紙上, 媽媽寫了大大的字:
1. 你一天到晚說我什麼都不懂, 我一天到晚為你做菜, 想你x什麼. 你為什麼一天到晚說我什麼都不懂. 你每天高興的事就是罵我.
2. 現在除了老王做麵食給你, 只有我在替你想給你吃什麼. 但是, 你天天只會說我什麼都不懂.
3. 我尊重你是我老爸, 也請你尊重我, 天下沒有什麼都懂得人, 也沒有什麼都不懂得人(除了白痴). 每個人懂得東西也許不一樣而已.
4. 你敢罵蕭雲嗎?
看完後, 媽媽說他今天大發脾氣. 他說自從那以後, 外公都很安靜. 他自己也躲到房間內裝睡, 希望外公也去睡覺. 所以, 我也馬上就走了.
快 四點的時候, 媽媽才回到家. 是的, 陪了一個晚上後, 他又陪到將近四點. 舅舅, 舅媽回來後, 媽媽除了第四張紙沒給舅媽看, 其餘的都秀出來. 舅媽禮貌的回應, 說也給舅舅看, 大家都知道舅舅是不會要看的. 舅舅的反應只是, 老人都是這樣. 另外, 舅舅還說, 現在他的身體還好, 沒檢查出啥大毛病, 但是萬一他有個三長兩短, 舅媽是不會照顧外公的. 到時候, 一定是住到我們家.
媽媽 回家後在沙發上慢慢跟我說到底是怎麼一回事. 早上我去的時候似乎都還好啊, 媽媽幫外公寫通訊簿. 媽媽說一切都還要等到中午. 中午到了, 要準備吃飯, 媽媽本來想切個肉絲, 肉丁啥的. 之前在舅舅的冰庫裡看到一塊肉, 以為可以用, 結果拿出來一看, 03/2012, 不敢用了. 又放回冰庫去. 因為不知道舅媽是怎麼樣的作業程序. 至少, 媽媽是不敢用了. 可是這樣一來, 家裡著實無啥東西可吃了. 除了早上媽媽煮的一鍋稀飯, 還有外公上星期吩咐要蒸的棗子. 剩下的, 就是媽媽昨天去老人中心做義工帶回來的一些洋芋泥. 哦, 還有媽媽昨天晚上很累的時候做的燒餅. 燒餅, 也是外公前兩個星期提到的. 他似乎懷念在蘇州出門就有燒餅吃. 他從一塊錢吃到三塊五. 所以上星期中, 我到 youtube 找了一個影片, 昨天我下班回來, 他即使很累仍堅持要做. 成品很脆, 媽媽帶了四個去, 外公說他咬不動. 媽媽也帶了一些肉鬆. 早上沒吃肉鬆, 可是現在看看實在沒啥食物, 外公也只好吃吃肉鬆. 外公說他不吃肉鬆, 因為外婆不能吃油,, 所以他這十幾年也跟著不吃了.
在問清楚舅舅舅媽或著是毛和 Michele 不回來吃飯, 午飯也就跟著開始. 照慣例, 所有外公吃的東西都要是滾燙的. 一開始, 一盤肉鬆擺在外公面前. 洋芋泥拿在微波爐裡, 翻來覆去熱了四次, 總算夠燙了. 媽媽想, 外公喜歡吃燙的, 就把肉鬆擺開, 把滾燙的洋芋泥放到他面前. 外公看到肉鬆時已經開始唸了. 現在肉鬆挪開, 看到洋芋泥擺在他眼前, 他好像被侮辱了一樣. 開始 "教訓" 媽媽: 這芋泥是最賤的東西, 連白飯都比它強. 你啊, 就是不學, 所以啥都不懂. 竟然把這玩意兒替代了肉鬆! 接著就是長達一小時的 "訓話". 媽媽說他一開始也忍. 一小時後, 外公還在說, 他終於忍不住了, 他在紙上寫到, 我也是北一女出來的, 也在立法院做過事, 怎麼會啥都不懂. 外公看了, 笑笑, 輕描淡寫的說: "這北一女算是白讀了." 我認為這句話, 是深深刺傷他的心. 但是, 外公是不停的. 他繼續說他的. 再說下去, 不只怎地, 又講到溫家寶說的, "中國人就是沒常識!" 這句話我印象是很深的. 因為就是他講這句話, 讓在蘇州的沈阿姨笑也笑不下去, 飯也吃不下去. 而我幾乎氣的要摔筷子的那個晚飯. 媽媽這時是再也忍不住了. 手一拍在桌上, 就站了起來, 用力的寫下以上這些字句. 然後收了碗筷, 站在洗碗槽前直跺腳. 外公看到這情況, 就安靜了. 只是喃喃的說, "就父女倆說說話嘛..."
媽媽說, 以前和外婆也是一樣. 但是講的內容不一樣. 外公是不會說外婆啥都不懂, 但是, 他會說錢. 外公會說都是因為你, 所以錢不夠用, 錢全花在醫藥費和醫生上了. 說啊說, 外婆是不回嘴的. 直到最後, 外婆受不了了, 就大發一場脾氣. 那時, 換外公安靜了. 這事媽媽不只講過一遍, 但是, 確實是這一兩年內媽媽才提到的. 之前, 他不肯談.
--------------------------------------------------------
母 親在上星期四的時候請了外公, 舅舅, 舅媽, 和王君來家裡吃飯. 外公說要來我們家吃飯已經說了兩三個星期了. 媽媽本來因為星期二又有大雪, 他準備延期到陽曆元旦. 但是, 他說他不能等了, 不然他整天整夜的在想這事. 他前一兩個星期就在準備菜單. 一開始是甜菜湯, 後來又改. 媽媽最後的菜單是: 栗子煨白菜, 甜排骨, 涼拌馬蘭頭, 干貝花菜, 烤鮭魚, 鮭魚番茄濃湯. 那天我上班, 不在家. 前一夜, 媽媽跟我說, 很抱歉, 我明天要一大早就要做菜, 你早餐要去買麥當勞. 不過, 我早上還是有果汁泥. 他一大早就在做甜排骨, 我七點下樓他就要我嚐. 我看他汁都還沒收, 就想味道一定還沒有進去, 我就耍賴了, 說既然已經燒了個把個鐘頭, 可以大火收汁了. 汁收了, 可一咬, 我得承認, 這東西還沒夠軟. 我是可以吃了, 外公恐怕不行. 媽媽就埋怨我, 剛剛叫我嚐的! 我趕快開溜. 一路上有點自怨自艾. 我就是懶...
我對這事是沒存啥希望的. 誰都不能知道外公到底喜歡吃啥. 充滿了悲觀的情懷. 一整天在工作的地方都不大對勁. 深怕一回去, 媽媽又要抱怨外公啥都不喜歡. 開車到家, 才在窗口就可以聽到媽媽大聲的講電話. 一進去, 他就給我看他的手指, 又是繃帶! 我說, 又切到手了? 媽媽說, 你才不知道哩. 外公從開始吃飯到兩點多鐘回去都在批評. 外公一來, 就教舅舅從一樓看到二樓. 然後開始午餐. 甜排骨, 咬不動; 涼伴馬蘭頭, "郎的", 得要拿去熱; 栗子煨白菜很好; 烤鮭魚太乾. 眾人的意見都和他不同. 照例, 東西吃吃, 又要拿去熱. 舅媽在微波爐裡熱食物都是要蓋子的. 媽媽把微波爐裡熱好的東西拿出來, 蓋子拿不下來. 他硬來, 結果碗摔到地上去. 媽媽的手指給刮破了. 他現在有個現象, 就是血很不容易止住. 大家手忙腳亂的收拾, 媽媽也把止不注血的手指頭趕快拿去沖洗消毒. 外公還在那裡不斷埋怨媽媽, 怎麼就是不給他吃魚. 後來飯上來了, 王君馬上說, 咦, 這飯裡糯米! 原來媽媽知道外公喜歡有點糯米的, 結果呢? 外公說, 這飯太硬了, 他吃不來. 接下來, 就是批評媽媽不會做主人. 講了一個小時. 干貝菜花也忘在爐上. 大家也沒喝啥湯. 舅媽早就受不了了, 坐在客廳上看書. 後來找個理由回家說要給舅舅裝去工作的便當. 一點, 舅舅回去休息, 小睡一小時後去工作. 外公說要喝咖啡. 王君怎麼會肯. 喝了, 晚上不睡覺, 王君倒楣. 最後, 折衷, 媽媽打了果汁泥, 大家喝了也高興了. 不過, 外公仍要喝滾燙的.
媽媽昨天晚上回來刷牙, 出發去舅家前說, 舅舅說的外公還在說那個栗子煨白菜很好吃. 我說, 至少, 還有一道菜他喜歡的. 很好很好. 後來, 遇到舅媽, 舅媽說, 他爸爸要是看到他手指流血, 是一定不會像外公那樣的. 馬上要過來幫忙止血的...
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Movies I saw recently
I went back and watched some old movies recently. Of course, there were some new ones as well. I re watched, lincoln lawyer, once upon a time in china, and 500 days of summer. I saw a new movie, called, anatomy of murder, made in 1959, I think. Anatomy was very good. All three rewatched movies were very engjoyable.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
歌詞
Today
-Artists: The New Christy Minstrels as sung on " The New Christy Minstrels
-Greatest Hits": Sony Special Products BT 18113
-peak Billboard position # 17 in 1964
-from the movie "Advance To the Rear" starring Glenn Ford, Stella Stevens,
-Melvyn Douglas, Joan Blondell, Jim Backus, and Andrew Prine
-Words and Music by Minstrels' leader Randy Sparks
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joy that is mine today
I'll be a dandy and I'll be a rover
You'll know who I am by the song that I sing
I'll feast at your table, I'll sleep in your clover
Who cares what the morrow shall bring?
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
I can't be contented with yesterday's glory
I can't live on promises winter to spring (winter to spring)
Today is my moment and now is my story
I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll sing
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joy that is mi-uh-ine today
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin
music by Dimitri Tiomkin
lyrics by Ned Washington
ballad of movie High Noon
sung in the movie by Tex Ritter
most famously sung by Frankie Laine
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
On this, our weddin' day
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
Wait, wait along
I do not know what fate awaits me
I only know I must be brave
And I must face a man who hates me
Or lie a coward, a craven coward
Or lie a coward in my grave
Oh, to be torn 'tweenst love and duty
S'posin' I lose my fair-haired beauty
Look at that big hand move along
Nearin' high noon
He made a vow while in state prison
Vowed it would be my life or his'n
I'm not afraid of death but oh
What will I do if you leave me?
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
You made that promise as a bride
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
Although you're grievin', don't think of leavin'
Now that I need you by my side
Wait along,(wait along) wait along
Wait along, wait along
(Wait along, ,wait along, wait along, wait along)
------------------------------------------------------------
I came to town to search for gold
And I brought with me a memory
And I seem to hear the night wind cry,
"Go hang your dreams on the hangin' tree
Your dreams of love that could never be
Hang your faded dreams on the hangin' tree!"
I searched tor gold and I found my gold
And I found a girl who loved just me
And I wished that I could love her too
But I'd left my heart on the hangin' tree
I'd left my heart with a memory
And a faded dream on the hangin' tree.
Now there were men who craved my gold
And meant to take my gold from me
When a man is gone he needs no gold
So they carried me to the hangin' tree
To join my dreams and a memory
Yes they carried me to the hangin' tree.
To really live you must almost die
And it happened just that way with me
They took the gold and set me free
And I walked away from the hangin' tree
I walked away from the hangin' tree
And my own true love, she walked with me!
That's when I knew that the hangin' tree
Was a tree of life, new life for me
A tree of hope, new hope for me
A tree of love, new love tor me
The hangin' tree, the hangin' tree, the hangin' tree!
----------------------------------------------------------------
North To Alaska 2:47
(Franks, Horton)
Johnny Horton
Pop Chart # 4 Sept. 19, 1960
Columbia Records #41782
Album: 'Johnny Horton 16 Biggest Hits'
Columbia Legacy Records CK 69971
Intro:
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
North to Alaska
You go north, the rush is on
North to Alaska
I go North, the rush is on
Big Sam left Seattle in the year of ninety-two
With George Pratt, his partner and brother, Billy, too
They crossed the Yukon River
And found the Bonanza Gold
Below that old white mountain
Just a little south-east of Nome
Sam crossed the majestic mountains (mush)
To the valleys far below (mush)
He talked to his team of huskies (mush)
As he mushed on through the snow (mush)
With the northern lights a-runnin' wild (mush)
In the land of the midnight sun (mush)
Yes, Sam McCord was a mighty man (mush)
In the year of nineteen-one (mush)
Where the river is windin'
Big nuggets they're findin'
North to Alaska
They go North, the rush is on
A-way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
North to Alaska
They go north, the rush is on
North to Alaska
They go north the rush is on
George turned to Sam
Wth his gold in his hand
Said, 'Sam you're a-lookin' at a lonely, lonely man
'I'd trade all the gold that's buried in this land
For one small band of gold to place
On sweet little Ginnie's hand
'Cause a man needs a woman
To love him all the time
'Remember, Sam, a true love is so hard to find
I'd build for my Ginnie, a honeymoon home
Below that old white mountain
Just a little south-east of Nome'
Where the river is windin'
Big nuggets they're findin'
North to Alaska
They go north, the rush is on
North to Alaska
They go North, the rush is on
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
FADES-
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north.
-Artists: The New Christy Minstrels as sung on " The New Christy Minstrels
-Greatest Hits": Sony Special Products BT 18113
-peak Billboard position # 17 in 1964
-from the movie "Advance To the Rear" starring Glenn Ford, Stella Stevens,
-Melvyn Douglas, Joan Blondell, Jim Backus, and Andrew Prine
-Words and Music by Minstrels' leader Randy Sparks
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joy that is mine today
I'll be a dandy and I'll be a rover
You'll know who I am by the song that I sing
I'll feast at your table, I'll sleep in your clover
Who cares what the morrow shall bring?
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
I can't be contented with yesterday's glory
I can't live on promises winter to spring (winter to spring)
Today is my moment and now is my story
I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll sing
Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joy that is mi-uh-ine today
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin
music by Dimitri Tiomkin
lyrics by Ned Washington
ballad of movie High Noon
sung in the movie by Tex Ritter
most famously sung by Frankie Laine
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
On this, our weddin' day
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
Wait, wait along
I do not know what fate awaits me
I only know I must be brave
And I must face a man who hates me
Or lie a coward, a craven coward
Or lie a coward in my grave
Oh, to be torn 'tweenst love and duty
S'posin' I lose my fair-haired beauty
Look at that big hand move along
Nearin' high noon
He made a vow while in state prison
Vowed it would be my life or his'n
I'm not afraid of death but oh
What will I do if you leave me?
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
You made that promise as a bride
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
Although you're grievin', don't think of leavin'
Now that I need you by my side
Wait along,(wait along) wait along
Wait along, wait along
(Wait along, ,wait along, wait along, wait along)
------------------------------------------------------------
Marty Robbins - The Hanging Tree Lyrics
I came to town to search for gold
And I brought with me a memory
And I seem to hear the night wind cry,
"Go hang your dreams on the hangin' tree
Your dreams of love that could never be
Hang your faded dreams on the hangin' tree!"
I searched tor gold and I found my gold
And I found a girl who loved just me
And I wished that I could love her too
But I'd left my heart on the hangin' tree
I'd left my heart with a memory
And a faded dream on the hangin' tree.
Now there were men who craved my gold
And meant to take my gold from me
When a man is gone he needs no gold
So they carried me to the hangin' tree
To join my dreams and a memory
Yes they carried me to the hangin' tree.
To really live you must almost die
And it happened just that way with me
They took the gold and set me free
And I walked away from the hangin' tree
I walked away from the hangin' tree
And my own true love, she walked with me!
That's when I knew that the hangin' tree
Was a tree of life, new life for me
A tree of hope, new hope for me
A tree of love, new love tor me
The hangin' tree, the hangin' tree, the hangin' tree!
----------------------------------------------------------------
North To Alaska 2:47
(Franks, Horton)
Johnny Horton
Pop Chart # 4 Sept. 19, 1960
Columbia Records #41782
Album: 'Johnny Horton 16 Biggest Hits'
Columbia Legacy Records CK 69971
Intro:
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
North to Alaska
You go north, the rush is on
North to Alaska
I go North, the rush is on
Big Sam left Seattle in the year of ninety-two
With George Pratt, his partner and brother, Billy, too
They crossed the Yukon River
And found the Bonanza Gold
Below that old white mountain
Just a little south-east of Nome
Sam crossed the majestic mountains (mush)
To the valleys far below (mush)
He talked to his team of huskies (mush)
As he mushed on through the snow (mush)
With the northern lights a-runnin' wild (mush)
In the land of the midnight sun (mush)
Yes, Sam McCord was a mighty man (mush)
In the year of nineteen-one (mush)
Where the river is windin'
Big nuggets they're findin'
North to Alaska
They go North, the rush is on
A-way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
North to Alaska
They go north, the rush is on
North to Alaska
They go north the rush is on
George turned to Sam
Wth his gold in his hand
Said, 'Sam you're a-lookin' at a lonely, lonely man
'I'd trade all the gold that's buried in this land
For one small band of gold to place
On sweet little Ginnie's hand
'Cause a man needs a woman
To love him all the time
'Remember, Sam, a true love is so hard to find
I'd build for my Ginnie, a honeymoon home
Below that old white mountain
Just a little south-east of Nome'
Where the river is windin'
Big nuggets they're findin'
North to Alaska
They go north, the rush is on
North to Alaska
They go North, the rush is on
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
FADES-
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north (north to Alaska)
Way up north.
thoughts after reading
I just read a chapter in e.o. wilson's on human nature about aggression. it's interesting that he seems to be complete opposite of Konrad lorenz. at least, that's what appeared in his own writing. one of his most frequent description of lorenz's view on aggression is that lorenz think aggressive sports can discharge some of the intra-species aggression. but as wilson pointed out that aggressive action is more a learned behavior with human predisposition of aggression. wilson seemed to say that we can curb aggression by avoiding violent things, like not using foul langauge, playing violent video games, or aggressive sports. and he pointed out that there were many crisis, but eventually, people got out of the tough situation by using reason as last resort. wilson seemed optimistic compared to lorenz.
I need to read on aggression again.
I need to read on aggression again.
Monday, October 14, 2013
old ball
there's a boy of ten
his friends were gone because
he moved to a new places
father comfort him
now now, you will find new friends
mother encourage him
isn't it a beautiful quaint place
boy of ten went to new school
there's no friends, everyone a strange
boy came back from school
new place isn't quaint,
he lost his way to his house
he's out, until he was found
oh, poor little boy, strange faces will
fade, father said.
oh, new road will be old again if
travel more, mother said.
boy of ten could only comfort himself with
an old worn basketball
his friends were gone because
he moved to a new places
father comfort him
now now, you will find new friends
mother encourage him
isn't it a beautiful quaint place
boy of ten went to new school
there's no friends, everyone a strange
boy came back from school
new place isn't quaint,
he lost his way to his house
he's out, until he was found
oh, poor little boy, strange faces will
fade, father said.
oh, new road will be old again if
travel more, mother said.
boy of ten could only comfort himself with
an old worn basketball
no title
for your sake, let me say this out loud
if you love me, please say it now.
if i love you, i wish to show it to you
but but what if there's no hope
i can see it in your eyes.
that glint of hope flows out
but i know how heart could be
treacherous. how it could deceive me
with a mirror i polished
with tireless effort
I want to ask you this, but throughout the century
were you there for me?
is it just me yapping my mouth blindly
oh, it must be a pure dream, for I can feel
your image cramping out my eye socket
if i want a fastest car in the world, that
was used to chase after you
if i wanted to have wings, which was
used to track your shadow.
but oh, I regret my thoughts
or is it my will free of physical boundaries?
if you love me, please say it now.
if i love you, i wish to show it to you
but but what if there's no hope
i can see it in your eyes.
that glint of hope flows out
but i know how heart could be
treacherous. how it could deceive me
with a mirror i polished
with tireless effort
I want to ask you this, but throughout the century
were you there for me?
is it just me yapping my mouth blindly
oh, it must be a pure dream, for I can feel
your image cramping out my eye socket
if i want a fastest car in the world, that
was used to chase after you
if i wanted to have wings, which was
used to track your shadow.
but oh, I regret my thoughts
or is it my will free of physical boundaries?
Sunday, October 06, 2013
那兩位教授說的...
最近看到一本書, 書名叫 wealth and power, 中文是富強. 兩位美國教授合作的. 其實就是前不久, 拙林貼的一篇提到中國近代史改寫的文章, 同樣的兩位教授.
書 裡舉了幾個代表人物, 都是近代史上有意思的人物. 從魏源開始介紹, 到朱鎔基. 不斷的把近代各作者的思想和富強提出聯繫, 富強就是富國強兵的縮寫, 因此他們譯成, wealth and power. 無論是魏源, 梁啟超, 孫中山, 鄧小平, 等, 都沒能真正脫離愛國主義. 唯一有意思的是毛澤東, 他對中國文化的徹底破壞, 給鄧小平的經濟開放鋪了路. 對之後的朱鎔基也頗有好評. 認為他對於經濟的發展是正面的. 最後面的結論一篇更指明了愛國主義對於整個近代和現代中國的進程, 有著主導性的地位. 因為無論是毛的破壞, 還是鄧的開放, 或者是朱的經濟, 都是為了富國強兵. 而直到現在除了開發, 現在的中國提不出一個中心價值觀(core value). 他既不願接受歐美的民主自由, 人權等等, 除了富國強兵之外, 他也沒有自己的價值觀. 書裡認為這是另一個轉變的開始, 可以是好的, 也可以是壞. 也就是現在是處於一個非常不穩定的時代. 這也讓我聯想到之前易中天說的中國人沒有中心價值觀. 這一串的文章的出現, 確是一種轉變.
易中天說中國人沒有信仰, 也就是沒有中心價值觀. 我本人是不能同意的. 因為在我認為, 他提到中華文化的部分是矛盾的. 既然中華文化是世界性的第一大 tier 之一. 又說中華文化沒有中心價值觀, 基本上他自己就否定掉中華文化了. 如果易中天說, 中華文化就是實用主義. 這個主義, 實在是人類最根本的本能, 哪裡能成為文化呢? 但是, 我一想, 也對, 自毛澤東出來後, 中華文化是被否定掉了. 剩下的豈不就只剩實用主義了嗎? 那兩位美國教授, 認為毛澤東把中華文化去掉了, 所以現在才能使經濟蒸蒸日上. 但是, 現在又來講要中心價值觀? 似乎沒必要...
(最近易中天又把中華的部分重寫. 他不提實用主義了, 他說中華文化沒有信仰, 可是中華文化之所以能成為世界性文化, 是因為: 方式.)
自從易中天說中華文化沒有信仰, 也就是沒有中心價值觀時, 我就一直在考慮這個問題. 因為我看過蘇老泉曾寫過, "士以義怒", 一句話. 我那時也曾想過, 那個義到底是啥意思? 這個義是否可以是中心價值觀? 可是我當時就想, 中國似乎自古及近代都沒有真正提出一個 '義'. 試看韓愈在原道提出了:
-----'夫所謂先王之教者，何也？博愛之謂仁，行而宜之之謂義，由是而之焉之謂道，足乎己無待於外之謂德。其文，詩書易春秋；其法，禮樂刑政；其民，士農工賈；其位，君臣父子師友賓主昆弟夫婦；其服，麻絲；其居，宮室；其食，粟米果蔬魚肉：其為道易明，而其為教易行也。'-----
這裡面似乎全都是實用主義. 以今日歐美的所謂中心價值觀, 獨立, 自由, 平等(易中天列的) 來看, 這裡沒有類似的東西. 易中天也提出了今日歐美的名詞在程度上有種種不同:
-----'具體地說，就是獨立、自由、平等。此外的人權、法治、民主、共和、憲政，則不是。人權和法治是觀念，共和與憲政是制度，民主則既是觀念也是制度。它們都不是價值，而是價值的體現，以及實現這些價值之最不壞和最可行的途徑。這事過去一直是糊塗賬，現在不能不算清楚。
獨立、自由、平等這三大核心價值，是文藝復興以後被重新發現的。儘管它們在古希臘文明中已初見端倪，但真正成為西方國家的全民共識和朝野共識，仍然費了不小的工夫。然而一旦確立，西方現代文明便騰空躍起。
是這樣嗎？是。
一般都認為，西方經濟發達科技進步，是因為制度先進、優越、完善。比方說，著作權法和新聞出版法保護了知識產權和言論自由，科技當然進步；合同法和反壟斷法保證了自由貿易和公平競爭，經濟當然發達。
問題是，這些制度為什麼能夠建立，而且能夠實行呢？就因為制度背後有觀念的支持，比如“這是我的小破屋，風能進，雨能進，國王不能進”，比如“我堅決反對 你的意見，但我寧願犧牲生命也要捍衛你說出這意見的權利”。這些觀念被廣為傳播，早已深入人心，無論政府官員還是江湖大佬，都不敢頂風作案，冒天下之大不 韙。
制度的背後是觀念，觀念的背後是什麼？
價值。
比方說，因為尊重獨立，所以要保護隱私；因為崇尚自由，所以要保護言論；因為堅持平等，所以要保護民權。這才有了人權觀念、法治意識、創新機制、保障體系，有了自由貿易、公平競爭、權力制衡、輿論監督，有了一系列的觀念和制度，而且能夠落實和執行。
價值、觀念、制度，是一種由裡到外層層遞進的邏輯關係。西方現代國家能夠勃然興起後來居上，創造出當今世界最強大、最強勢、最強悍的文明，就因為他們把這個邏輯關係弄清了，理順了，夯實了，建構成渾然一體的東西。'-----
如果和韓愈的東西兩相比較, 我就覺得除了愛和義之外,獨立, 自由, 平等, 要比其他韓愈提出的更像核心價值. 也比禮樂刑政更令人嚮往. 禮樂刑政聽起來像是制度. 而觀念似乎並沒有真正的再韓愈的原道裡出現.
對於整個中國來說現在是一個轉變的時機. 我沒有辦法忘記我在蘇州時和大姨說, 在毛澤東時代, 疆獨沒能能鬧出來. 實在是因為當時大家都相信共產主義. 這個共產主義可以是一個核心價值觀. 但現在常常出事, 實在是因為愛國主義, 甚至大漢主義所造成的. 這兩位美國教授所想的, 我在幾年前就想過, 也和拙林提出來過. 我基本上認為易中天在講歐美和回教時都滿好的. 我仍是不喜歡他講中華文化的部分. 我已經看過易中天的網誌很多次, 他中華文化的部分改了又改. 我相信很多人也都不喜歡. 但, 我也無法把中華文化的價值觀講出來.
我常常覺得, 中華文化, 那些古籍從不是真的在講中國人, 而是講全人類. 唉, 無論如何, 我得承認現在這是超出我的能力範圍. 無論是書讀的太少太少,幾乎完全不經世事, 也與人隔絕. 這三件事都使我無法認識價值觀的可能.
不過, 這似乎只是古代價值觀的認識, 而不是現代價值觀的開展. 我最近的想法真的是, 當初王陽明的心學沒能繼續開展, 只滿足於心靈上的滿足, 而不求之於事功, 實在是一大遺憾. 到了清朝, 又只能求之於事功, 而不能在心靈上有所闡明. 也或許前一代的發展終有推進後一代的銳進. 只是我因為那三件事, 而不能看的清楚. 雖然易中天所說的我不見得儘都贊同, 但是易中天所做的是很值得推許的.
書 裡舉了幾個代表人物, 都是近代史上有意思的人物. 從魏源開始介紹, 到朱鎔基. 不斷的把近代各作者的思想和富強提出聯繫, 富強就是富國強兵的縮寫, 因此他們譯成, wealth and power. 無論是魏源, 梁啟超, 孫中山, 鄧小平, 等, 都沒能真正脫離愛國主義. 唯一有意思的是毛澤東, 他對中國文化的徹底破壞, 給鄧小平的經濟開放鋪了路. 對之後的朱鎔基也頗有好評. 認為他對於經濟的發展是正面的. 最後面的結論一篇更指明了愛國主義對於整個近代和現代中國的進程, 有著主導性的地位. 因為無論是毛的破壞, 還是鄧的開放, 或者是朱的經濟, 都是為了富國強兵. 而直到現在除了開發, 現在的中國提不出一個中心價值觀(core value). 他既不願接受歐美的民主自由, 人權等等, 除了富國強兵之外, 他也沒有自己的價值觀. 書裡認為這是另一個轉變的開始, 可以是好的, 也可以是壞. 也就是現在是處於一個非常不穩定的時代. 這也讓我聯想到之前易中天說的中國人沒有中心價值觀. 這一串的文章的出現, 確是一種轉變.
易中天說中國人沒有信仰, 也就是沒有中心價值觀. 我本人是不能同意的. 因為在我認為, 他提到中華文化的部分是矛盾的. 既然中華文化是世界性的第一大 tier 之一. 又說中華文化沒有中心價值觀, 基本上他自己就否定掉中華文化了. 如果易中天說, 中華文化就是實用主義. 這個主義, 實在是人類最根本的本能, 哪裡能成為文化呢? 但是, 我一想, 也對, 自毛澤東出來後, 中華文化是被否定掉了. 剩下的豈不就只剩實用主義了嗎? 那兩位美國教授, 認為毛澤東把中華文化去掉了, 所以現在才能使經濟蒸蒸日上. 但是, 現在又來講要中心價值觀? 似乎沒必要...
(最近易中天又把中華的部分重寫. 他不提實用主義了, 他說中華文化沒有信仰, 可是中華文化之所以能成為世界性文化, 是因為: 方式.)
自從易中天說中華文化沒有信仰, 也就是沒有中心價值觀時, 我就一直在考慮這個問題. 因為我看過蘇老泉曾寫過, "士以義怒", 一句話. 我那時也曾想過, 那個義到底是啥意思? 這個義是否可以是中心價值觀? 可是我當時就想, 中國似乎自古及近代都沒有真正提出一個 '義'. 試看韓愈在原道提出了:
-----'夫所謂先王之教者，何也？博愛之謂仁，行而宜之之謂義，由是而之焉之謂道，足乎己無待於外之謂德。其文，詩書易春秋；其法，禮樂刑政；其民，士農工賈；其位，君臣父子師友賓主昆弟夫婦；其服，麻絲；其居，宮室；其食，粟米果蔬魚肉：其為道易明，而其為教易行也。'-----
這裡面似乎全都是實用主義. 以今日歐美的所謂中心價值觀, 獨立, 自由, 平等(易中天列的) 來看, 這裡沒有類似的東西. 易中天也提出了今日歐美的名詞在程度上有種種不同:
-----'具體地說，就是獨立、自由、平等。此外的人權、法治、民主、共和、憲政，則不是。人權和法治是觀念，共和與憲政是制度，民主則既是觀念也是制度。它們都不是價值，而是價值的體現，以及實現這些價值之最不壞和最可行的途徑。這事過去一直是糊塗賬，現在不能不算清楚。
獨立、自由、平等這三大核心價值，是文藝復興以後被重新發現的。儘管它們在古希臘文明中已初見端倪，但真正成為西方國家的全民共識和朝野共識，仍然費了不小的工夫。然而一旦確立，西方現代文明便騰空躍起。
是這樣嗎？是。
一般都認為，西方經濟發達科技進步，是因為制度先進、優越、完善。比方說，著作權法和新聞出版法保護了知識產權和言論自由，科技當然進步；合同法和反壟斷法保證了自由貿易和公平競爭，經濟當然發達。
問題是，這些制度為什麼能夠建立，而且能夠實行呢？就因為制度背後有觀念的支持，比如“這是我的小破屋，風能進，雨能進，國王不能進”，比如“我堅決反對 你的意見，但我寧願犧牲生命也要捍衛你說出這意見的權利”。這些觀念被廣為傳播，早已深入人心，無論政府官員還是江湖大佬，都不敢頂風作案，冒天下之大不 韙。
制度的背後是觀念，觀念的背後是什麼？
價值。
比方說，因為尊重獨立，所以要保護隱私；因為崇尚自由，所以要保護言論；因為堅持平等，所以要保護民權。這才有了人權觀念、法治意識、創新機制、保障體系，有了自由貿易、公平競爭、權力制衡、輿論監督，有了一系列的觀念和制度，而且能夠落實和執行。
價值、觀念、制度，是一種由裡到外層層遞進的邏輯關係。西方現代國家能夠勃然興起後來居上，創造出當今世界最強大、最強勢、最強悍的文明，就因為他們把這個邏輯關係弄清了，理順了，夯實了，建構成渾然一體的東西。'-----
如果和韓愈的東西兩相比較, 我就覺得除了愛和義之外,獨立, 自由, 平等, 要比其他韓愈提出的更像核心價值. 也比禮樂刑政更令人嚮往. 禮樂刑政聽起來像是制度. 而觀念似乎並沒有真正的再韓愈的原道裡出現.
對於整個中國來說現在是一個轉變的時機. 我沒有辦法忘記我在蘇州時和大姨說, 在毛澤東時代, 疆獨沒能能鬧出來. 實在是因為當時大家都相信共產主義. 這個共產主義可以是一個核心價值觀. 但現在常常出事, 實在是因為愛國主義, 甚至大漢主義所造成的. 這兩位美國教授所想的, 我在幾年前就想過, 也和拙林提出來過. 我基本上認為易中天在講歐美和回教時都滿好的. 我仍是不喜歡他講中華文化的部分. 我已經看過易中天的網誌很多次, 他中華文化的部分改了又改. 我相信很多人也都不喜歡. 但, 我也無法把中華文化的價值觀講出來.
我常常覺得, 中華文化, 那些古籍從不是真的在講中國人, 而是講全人類. 唉, 無論如何, 我得承認現在這是超出我的能力範圍. 無論是書讀的太少太少,幾乎完全不經世事, 也與人隔絕. 這三件事都使我無法認識價值觀的可能.
不過, 這似乎只是古代價值觀的認識, 而不是現代價值觀的開展. 我最近的想法真的是, 當初王陽明的心學沒能繼續開展, 只滿足於心靈上的滿足, 而不求之於事功, 實在是一大遺憾. 到了清朝, 又只能求之於事功, 而不能在心靈上有所闡明. 也或許前一代的發展終有推進後一代的銳進. 只是我因為那三件事, 而不能看的清楚. 雖然易中天所說的我不見得儘都贊同, 但是易中天所做的是很值得推許的.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
亂想
很多樹如果給予足夠的空間, 都會長成某一種特殊的形狀. 可是如果把多種樹種到一起去, 則這些樹都無法長成那些屬於自己的特殊形狀. 那麼那一種形狀是天性嗎? 如果是天性, 把樹種在一起就無法讓他們盡自己的天性. 但是, 又有多少樹可以有那麼好的空間呢? 大多數的樹, 都是擠在一起, 很多都希望自己盡量向天空發展. 向天空發展也是他們自然的一種天性.
天性看起來有很多種. 那人觀察樹的天性時, 實在不能只看空地裡的樹, 或者只看樹叢裡的樹... 天性實在是很難啊.
天性看起來有很多種. 那人觀察樹的天性時, 實在不能只看空地裡的樹, 或者只看樹叢裡的樹... 天性實在是很難啊.
Friday, September 20, 2013
chatter
Feeling lonely. I wish to engage in some chat somehow. Feeling lonely. Working in a temp job right now. The work is mostly physical, after the job, I feel empty. There're fleeting words. They are fleeting. I feel empty.
Tomorrow, another kind of work. Gotta go to uncle's.
Where are you.
what are you doing?
Wish to see you.
But my heart is weak.
Upon seeing you,
afraid it might stop jump.
Tomorrow, another kind of work. Gotta go to uncle's.
Where are you.
what are you doing?
Wish to see you.
But my heart is weak.
Upon seeing you,
afraid it might stop jump.
Sunday, September 01, 2013
浸漬水果
上個星期六, Julie 阿姨帶了一大罐自己浸漬的桃子. 桃子也是自家後院摘的. 好好吃, 家珍阿姨還特地從座位的另一頭跑來我們這一頭把整罐浸漬桃子拿到自己那一頭. Julie 阿姨說可以去他家摘桃子, 我和他說下午去.
下午三點我和媽媽去摘桃子. Julie 阿姨說, 等你等不及, 我自己又醃了兩罐了! 有點抱歉, 我應該和他說我們當天中午要和舅媽去吃包肥的. 他家後院有一顆種了幾年的桃樹, 近兩三年才開始結果. Jeff 叔叔拿了梯子, Julie 阿姨拿了兩個籃子, 於是我們就摘起桃子. 桃子不是很大, 桃樹也不高. 但是桃子的數量卻很多, Julie 阿姨已經醃了三四罐桃子了, 我們看到的仍是滿樹桃子. 媽媽和我還有點不好意思摘太多, Jeff 叔叔和 Julie 阿姨很大方的勸我們多多益善. 天氣很好, 藍天綠地, 藍子裡的桃子也堆積起來. 終於, 我們滿足的拿了一大堆的桃子進入屋裡. 我還留在外頭和 Jeff 叔叔討論車道的修補之法. 他帶我看他們的材料和工具, 又走在車道上指給我看各種材料適用的各種情況. 過了好一陣子, 我們才返回屋內, 一看, 哇, Julie 阿姨和媽媽已經開始做浸漬桃子了! 我們摘的桃子足足裝了三個罐子! Jeff 叔叔一看, 他居然把浸漬的材料背出來:
七糖一醋+一茶匙酸梅粉.
我們都覺得有趣, 原來他喜歡吃到把怎麼做都記下來了! 他也笑說他在 Julie 阿姨身旁, 也是 "耳濡目染" 哪! 哈哈哈!
回家的路上, 媽媽覺得我們家門前的 crap apple tree 上的蘋果也可以這樣醃製. 我一開始覺得怪怪的. 可是媽媽下定了決心, 於是回到家後, 我們就又摘了半樹的蘋果. 蘋果不多. 這蘋果樹也是個有趣的故事. 前年, 一場很大的暴風雨突襲美國東北, 我們的那棵樹本來有兩根粗大的樹幹, 其中一根在風雨之中被吹斷. 一開始, 我們想要把他連根崛起算了, 但是, 發現這工程太貴. 於是我下了決心要把他鋸掉. 沒想到的是, 這棵樹實在是很難鋸, 硬的不得了, 而且又粗, 枝椏盤旋環繞, 我的弓鋸也不夠大. 花了不少時間終究還剩下一小段沒能除掉. 鋸下的樹幹一時之間不知道要放哪. 因為那時已經有些小枝子從根裡長出來. 我想, 說不定以後又可以長成個樣子出來. 就突發奇想, 把一整棵樹用截斷的樹幹圍起來. 當然, 看起來很有點突兀...
之後的一年裡, 小枝子也發出葉子, 但是, 卻沒有開什麼花. 我滿失望的, 因為每年春天五月, 這棵樹都會開成滿樹的花. 在我們街上非常顯眼漂亮. 那時也是不結果子的. 畢竟樹太老了. 可那滿樹的花實在值得期待. 今年春天五月, 我到蘇州一趟回來, 沒能看到開花. 心中有點可惜. 走進一看, 咦, 有小果子. 記得以前也有過一些, 但是從來沒能漲起來過. 我也沒放在心上. 近幾個月卻看他逐漸長大, 媽媽看的很歡喜. 常常說要吃吃看. 我說, 這種 crap apple 怎麼會好吃. 媽媽不信, 一個月前他摘了一個微紅的小蘋果嚐嚐. 啊, 的確是不好吃. 我說也還沒真的熟哩...
前兩週吧, 媽媽又試了一次, 他覺得雖然還是不怎麼好吃, 終究不那麼難下嚥了. 沒想到, 現在得到了這個食譜! 真是猶如天降的禮物! 我們那天醃了一大罐蘋果. 今天下午又把剩下來的大部分蘋果摘下來浸漬. 我們還拍了照片並且留了兩顆紅蘋果給鳥吃. 唉, 有了食譜真希望他年年點果子!
下午三點我和媽媽去摘桃子. Julie 阿姨說, 等你等不及, 我自己又醃了兩罐了! 有點抱歉, 我應該和他說我們當天中午要和舅媽去吃包肥的. 他家後院有一顆種了幾年的桃樹, 近兩三年才開始結果. Jeff 叔叔拿了梯子, Julie 阿姨拿了兩個籃子, 於是我們就摘起桃子. 桃子不是很大, 桃樹也不高. 但是桃子的數量卻很多, Julie 阿姨已經醃了三四罐桃子了, 我們看到的仍是滿樹桃子. 媽媽和我還有點不好意思摘太多, Jeff 叔叔和 Julie 阿姨很大方的勸我們多多益善. 天氣很好, 藍天綠地, 藍子裡的桃子也堆積起來. 終於, 我們滿足的拿了一大堆的桃子進入屋裡. 我還留在外頭和 Jeff 叔叔討論車道的修補之法. 他帶我看他們的材料和工具, 又走在車道上指給我看各種材料適用的各種情況. 過了好一陣子, 我們才返回屋內, 一看, 哇, Julie 阿姨和媽媽已經開始做浸漬桃子了! 我們摘的桃子足足裝了三個罐子! Jeff 叔叔一看, 他居然把浸漬的材料背出來:
七糖一醋+一茶匙酸梅粉.
我們都覺得有趣, 原來他喜歡吃到把怎麼做都記下來了! 他也笑說他在 Julie 阿姨身旁, 也是 "耳濡目染" 哪! 哈哈哈!
回家的路上, 媽媽覺得我們家門前的 crap apple tree 上的蘋果也可以這樣醃製. 我一開始覺得怪怪的. 可是媽媽下定了決心, 於是回到家後, 我們就又摘了半樹的蘋果. 蘋果不多. 這蘋果樹也是個有趣的故事. 前年, 一場很大的暴風雨突襲美國東北, 我們的那棵樹本來有兩根粗大的樹幹, 其中一根在風雨之中被吹斷. 一開始, 我們想要把他連根崛起算了, 但是, 發現這工程太貴. 於是我下了決心要把他鋸掉. 沒想到的是, 這棵樹實在是很難鋸, 硬的不得了, 而且又粗, 枝椏盤旋環繞, 我的弓鋸也不夠大. 花了不少時間終究還剩下一小段沒能除掉. 鋸下的樹幹一時之間不知道要放哪. 因為那時已經有些小枝子從根裡長出來. 我想, 說不定以後又可以長成個樣子出來. 就突發奇想, 把一整棵樹用截斷的樹幹圍起來. 當然, 看起來很有點突兀...
之後的一年裡, 小枝子也發出葉子, 但是, 卻沒有開什麼花. 我滿失望的, 因為每年春天五月, 這棵樹都會開成滿樹的花. 在我們街上非常顯眼漂亮. 那時也是不結果子的. 畢竟樹太老了. 可那滿樹的花實在值得期待. 今年春天五月, 我到蘇州一趟回來, 沒能看到開花. 心中有點可惜. 走進一看, 咦, 有小果子. 記得以前也有過一些, 但是從來沒能漲起來過. 我也沒放在心上. 近幾個月卻看他逐漸長大, 媽媽看的很歡喜. 常常說要吃吃看. 我說, 這種 crap apple 怎麼會好吃. 媽媽不信, 一個月前他摘了一個微紅的小蘋果嚐嚐. 啊, 的確是不好吃. 我說也還沒真的熟哩...
前兩週吧, 媽媽又試了一次, 他覺得雖然還是不怎麼好吃, 終究不那麼難下嚥了. 沒想到, 現在得到了這個食譜! 真是猶如天降的禮物! 我們那天醃了一大罐蘋果. 今天下午又把剩下來的大部分蘋果摘下來浸漬. 我們還拍了照片並且留了兩顆紅蘋果給鳥吃. 唉, 有了食譜真希望他年年點果子!
Saturday, August 17, 2013
徵
my mom called my uncle, who's in suchow with my grandpa right now. he was silent as usual. so my mom initiated talks as usual. she heard from aunt pl yesterday that grandpa told uncle he will come to usa to live with him. we even went to uncle's house to talk to aunt, who confirmed with us. but my uncle replied, no, it's not confirmed yet. then he fell silent. my mom was relieved when hearing from aunt pl a little bit. upon hearing the response from my uncle, she felt a twinge. she then asked how he slept. my uncle chuckled. since my uncle had nothing to say, my mom asked if grandpa was up. he was, but he constipated again, he did not feel well at all.
mom talked to grandpa. but he was so unwell, he could not hear anything. my mom kept telling him, how happy she was with his news of coming to usa. but repeatedly he could not perceive it at all. after a few times, my mom asked grandpa to give phone to uncle. but still grandpa could not hear it. eventually, mom told grandpa to hang up the phone numerous times. grandpa apparently could not hear at all, finally hung up the phone.
what it showed me, was horrifying. because initially, i understand if grandpa came to usa, my mom will be the sacrificing lamb. for grandpa will not and dare not scold uncle and aunt, he will then redirect aggression against my mom. But now, I saw something else in this intricate play. grandpa, under uncle's influence, will turn vicious with my mom. This viciousness will morally hurt my mom. grandpa is already bitter. uncle will turn him into a colossus. grandpa still care for my mom before now. but that attitude will change when he's with uncle and aunt. with my mom's attachment to her own parents, this will be proven fatal.
uncle and aunt don't have the intention, but their emotional inclination toward my mom will likely be at work. my mom's attitude will not help in the situation either.
mom talked to grandpa. but he was so unwell, he could not hear anything. my mom kept telling him, how happy she was with his news of coming to usa. but repeatedly he could not perceive it at all. after a few times, my mom asked grandpa to give phone to uncle. but still grandpa could not hear it. eventually, mom told grandpa to hang up the phone numerous times. grandpa apparently could not hear at all, finally hung up the phone.
what it showed me, was horrifying. because initially, i understand if grandpa came to usa, my mom will be the sacrificing lamb. for grandpa will not and dare not scold uncle and aunt, he will then redirect aggression against my mom. But now, I saw something else in this intricate play. grandpa, under uncle's influence, will turn vicious with my mom. This viciousness will morally hurt my mom. grandpa is already bitter. uncle will turn him into a colossus. grandpa still care for my mom before now. but that attitude will change when he's with uncle and aunt. with my mom's attachment to her own parents, this will be proven fatal.
uncle and aunt don't have the intention, but their emotional inclination toward my mom will likely be at work. my mom's attitude will not help in the situation either.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
quote
I saw the magnificent seven today. I think it's a good western. It has more twist than seven samurai. But I didn't like Yul Brynner that much. I did not care too much about Steve Mcqueen here either. I never planned to watch this movie if not for Charles Bronson. And it's kind funny that if not for Frasier, I'd never watch this movie... lol Because Frasier's dad Martin love Charles Bronson. I felt the movie as its own was pretty good, I liked the twist here. But I just have too much seven samurai in my mind.
Anyway, I remembered a quote by Steve M's character, I think it's funny. Somebody asked how you doing? Steve M's character answered with joke:
"A fella fell from a tall building, everyone on different floor heard the fella as he fell past their floor saying, "So far so good, so far so good."
I forgot the exact wording, but that's about it...
Anyway, I remembered a quote by Steve M's character, I think it's funny. Somebody asked how you doing? Steve M's character answered with joke:
"A fella fell from a tall building, everyone on different floor heard the fella as he fell past their floor saying, "So far so good, so far so good."
I forgot the exact wording, but that's about it...
rambling
It's been two weeks, mascon haven't called back yet. I need to call.
I really wish to have a girl by my side. But I really could not construct a future at all. Do I lost my aggressive drive? Would this related to my wanting to be correct and proper? And any deviate from correctness and proper is unbearable to me personally. I really really wish to have a girl I love by my side.
If i settled in a new situation, it became stale. But I won't find new ways to improve it.
Sometimes i wonder if my desire to be able to satisfy a girl in bed is so fervent, would be because I could never make my mom happy. And this disgusts me to my stomach. As I dig deeper, I think it related to the aggressive drive, which somehow could not realized in any proper channel. For I watch over every possible channel. I do not want to have any leak. Of course, aggression escaped in most infuriating sense. I tried even harder. Until now, I meet angry with either flapper mouse, or masterbet, or drowsiness, or if I was lucky enough to get a hold myself, I do exercise. But exercise was rare.
That is not to say that I don't feel genuine love towards the opposite sex. On the contrary, the intensity was and is unbearable. My mom and sis and uncle always wonder why I did not go to animal shelter. I could not go because, I was so attracted to female colleagues, I can't stay. Some one can tell me that all men feel the same, but for me, they can be around girls. I just felt out of control, jealous, self despise, embarrassment. Excuses, excuses...
and right now, confession did not make me feel relieved. it is like reliving my nightmares. just remember, if i could not construct a future, i can't have a girl. no contact, no discussion, never compromise!
I really wish to have a girl by my side. But I really could not construct a future at all. Do I lost my aggressive drive? Would this related to my wanting to be correct and proper? And any deviate from correctness and proper is unbearable to me personally. I really really wish to have a girl I love by my side.
If i settled in a new situation, it became stale. But I won't find new ways to improve it.
Sometimes i wonder if my desire to be able to satisfy a girl in bed is so fervent, would be because I could never make my mom happy. And this disgusts me to my stomach. As I dig deeper, I think it related to the aggressive drive, which somehow could not realized in any proper channel. For I watch over every possible channel. I do not want to have any leak. Of course, aggression escaped in most infuriating sense. I tried even harder. Until now, I meet angry with either flapper mouse, or masterbet, or drowsiness, or if I was lucky enough to get a hold myself, I do exercise. But exercise was rare.
That is not to say that I don't feel genuine love towards the opposite sex. On the contrary, the intensity was and is unbearable. My mom and sis and uncle always wonder why I did not go to animal shelter. I could not go because, I was so attracted to female colleagues, I can't stay. Some one can tell me that all men feel the same, but for me, they can be around girls. I just felt out of control, jealous, self despise, embarrassment. Excuses, excuses...
and right now, confession did not make me feel relieved. it is like reliving my nightmares. just remember, if i could not construct a future, i can't have a girl. no contact, no discussion, never compromise!
沒眼光
昨天和鄰居的小孩玩籃球. 他們是五缺一. 我剛好頂上. 之前有看過他們打, 我不覺得怎麼樣. 可是打了幾場下來, 他們都滿會玩的. 有兄弟倆, 都很能投球, 哥哥的上籃也滿行. 兄弟倆的父親精壯剽悍, 技術實在. 我的鄰居是很強壯高大, 射球也有一定的準頭. 另外一位也是高大強壯, 準頭也有.
跟他們打, 我就覺得自己沒眼光. 之前看的時候不覺得怎樣, 一打就知道滿不是自己看的那樣. 這讓我想到第一次看到史第夫王打球. 亨利黃說他很厲害, 好快. 我當時也覺得不怎麼樣. 打起來後才知道他橫向爆發力真的很不錯. 還好他運球普通, 不然就真的很可怕了.
我的眼光真的很差. 回來後和媽媽說, 媽媽也同意. 他就用我昨天同一天的例子, 我可以在衣服店裡待兩三個小時, 一件衣服也買不到. 我說, 眼光不好, 遲疑猶豫就很正常了. 媽媽一想也對.
另外一提, 打球時兄弟倆的父親比我年紀大至少十五六歲, 卻比我有精力, 又能跑又能跳. 我滿悲傷的. 想想上次和亨利黃, 飛, 史第夫王, roger 葉打球時, 我現在可能比那次好一點. 但和那位父親相比, 實在太差...
跟他們打, 我就覺得自己沒眼光. 之前看的時候不覺得怎樣, 一打就知道滿不是自己看的那樣. 這讓我想到第一次看到史第夫王打球. 亨利黃說他很厲害, 好快. 我當時也覺得不怎麼樣. 打起來後才知道他橫向爆發力真的很不錯. 還好他運球普通, 不然就真的很可怕了.
我的眼光真的很差. 回來後和媽媽說, 媽媽也同意. 他就用我昨天同一天的例子, 我可以在衣服店裡待兩三個小時, 一件衣服也買不到. 我說, 眼光不好, 遲疑猶豫就很正常了. 媽媽一想也對.
另外一提, 打球時兄弟倆的父親比我年紀大至少十五六歲, 卻比我有精力, 又能跑又能跳. 我滿悲傷的. 想想上次和亨利黃, 飛, 史第夫王, roger 葉打球時, 我現在可能比那次好一點. 但和那位父親相比, 實在太差...
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
中華文化之一
中華文化之一, 第一點就是反古. 尤其是拿古人的話來反古. 第一個笑孔丘的人就是孔丘的學生. 哈哈哈.
要說清楚某種文化長啥樣子是極端困難的. 中華文化和別種文化不同的地方是很難由中國人來說的. 我覺得只有從外國人口不經意之間可以得知. 我現在可以想到的是, 民初時,某外國訪問學者說, 中國的學生都積極從事政治活動, 美國的學生都對政治興趣缺缺.
我覺得這是最有趣的觀察,可是我現在認為這是最能清楚描述中華文化的一句話之一. 印象中東漢士人和宦官, 一直到明朝太監和士林, 都不斷有這種衝突. 反而是從事農工虞商的人在我印象裡少從事政治活動, 除非是官商勾結, 或者是宋以前士族的活動.
要說清楚某種文化長啥樣子是極端困難的. 中華文化和別種文化不同的地方是很難由中國人來說的. 我覺得只有從外國人口不經意之間可以得知. 我現在可以想到的是, 民初時,某外國訪問學者說, 中國的學生都積極從事政治活動, 美國的學生都對政治興趣缺缺.
我覺得這是最有趣的觀察,可是我現在認為這是最能清楚描述中華文化的一句話之一. 印象中東漢士人和宦官, 一直到明朝太監和士林, 都不斷有這種衝突. 反而是從事農工虞商的人在我印象裡少從事政治活動, 除非是官商勾結, 或者是宋以前士族的活動.
The change of attitude
When I read gun powder, steel, and germs, I found it was interesting that the attitude of the author was different from other people, namely zinn howard. After that I read some books about conservation. It has a very different sentiment from conservation a hundred years ago. What was the difference? How come I put two comparisons side by side? Are they even related? I don't know. But it is interesting that when I read one, the other would pop up somewhere in my mind.
The difference between the first two was that GsG did not apologize for the misery of European expansion. It emphasized that when other people got the technology, the same people oppressed by European expansion, started to oppress other people too. I remembered GsG used an example from some native islanders in new zealand.
The difference between the conservationist now and the ones who started conservation a hundred years ago was the treatment of the big predators, especially the apex predators.
Are these two category related? I think yes, in some ways. The so called apex predators controlled the ecology. European expansion signified as most advanced technology, maybe even culture. Such culture, was the apex predator in comparison. However, it is a cynical comparison. Because, when I read about how to save tigers, wolves, I felt warm feelings, even love. But when I read the paragraph that whoever got highest technology will start to conquer, torture, destroy its neighbors, it was heart wrench, distant, and cold.
I've always asked a question. When you did something wrong, what would we do next? We could say, other people would do so in my steed as well. That's the feeling what GsG gave me. But when it came to animal conservation, many books talked about the economic reason for killing predator animals a hundred years ago. Many books would use many mythologies from native people.
All those writings up there did not really summed clearly what I was going to say. It is merely random notes on sporadic feelings toward something vague...
The difference between the first two was that GsG did not apologize for the misery of European expansion. It emphasized that when other people got the technology, the same people oppressed by European expansion, started to oppress other people too. I remembered GsG used an example from some native islanders in new zealand.
The difference between the conservationist now and the ones who started conservation a hundred years ago was the treatment of the big predators, especially the apex predators.
Are these two category related? I think yes, in some ways. The so called apex predators controlled the ecology. European expansion signified as most advanced technology, maybe even culture. Such culture, was the apex predator in comparison. However, it is a cynical comparison. Because, when I read about how to save tigers, wolves, I felt warm feelings, even love. But when I read the paragraph that whoever got highest technology will start to conquer, torture, destroy its neighbors, it was heart wrench, distant, and cold.
I've always asked a question. When you did something wrong, what would we do next? We could say, other people would do so in my steed as well. That's the feeling what GsG gave me. But when it came to animal conservation, many books talked about the economic reason for killing predator animals a hundred years ago. Many books would use many mythologies from native people.
All those writings up there did not really summed clearly what I was going to say. It is merely random notes on sporadic feelings toward something vague...
Monday, August 12, 2013
booblablablabla
I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend. I want to have girlfriend. I don't want to have a girl friend.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
中華...文化...阿....?!?!
易中天先生寫了一套書, 還沒寫玩, 他先來個序. 他在排世界裡各文化的位置. 排的很好, 總共有三環, 所有文化都有機會. 第一環三名, 伊斯蘭, 歐洲, 中華. 第二環,印度, 日本...等等. 第三環, 朝鮮, 東南亞...等等.
文章說, 第一環的文化叫做世界文化. 然後他拿出一個盒子,上面寫著伊斯蘭, 盒蓋打開, 裡面是宗教信仰和博愛, 世界中期歷史之花. 他又拿出第二個盒子, 上面寫著歐洲,他把盒蓋打開,往裡面一瞧, 啊, 自由平等法治, 世界現代歷史之花. 最後, 他拿出第三個盒子, 上面寫著中華, 他小心翼翼的把盒蓋打開, 大家往裡一瞧, 咦, 東西呢? 他笑嘻嘻的說, 這就是中華文化, 你看, 你看, 你要信啥, 我都可以放在裡面. 這可是世界古代歷史之秀啊!
文章說, 第一環的文化叫做世界文化. 然後他拿出一個盒子,上面寫著伊斯蘭, 盒蓋打開, 裡面是宗教信仰和博愛, 世界中期歷史之花. 他又拿出第二個盒子, 上面寫著歐洲,他把盒蓋打開,往裡面一瞧, 啊, 自由平等法治, 世界現代歷史之花. 最後, 他拿出第三個盒子, 上面寫著中華, 他小心翼翼的把盒蓋打開, 大家往裡一瞧, 咦, 東西呢? 他笑嘻嘻的說, 這就是中華文化, 你看, 你看, 你要信啥, 我都可以放在裡面. 這可是世界古代歷史之秀啊!
Friday, August 09, 2013
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
書鈔--on aggression
All from chapter of Ecce Homo
Aggressive behavior and killing inhibition represent only one special case among many in which phylogenetically adapted behavior mechanisms are thrown out of balance by the rapid change wrought in human ecology and sociology by culture development. .......It is a widely held opinion, shared by some contemporary philosophers, that all human behavior patterns which served the welfare of the community, as opposed to that of the individual, are dictated by specifically human rational thought. Not only is this opinion erroneous, but the very opposite is true. If it were not for a rich endowment of social instincts, man could never have risen above the animal world. All specifically human faculties, the power of speech, cultural tradition, moral responsiblity, could have evolved only in a being which, before the very dawn of conceptual thinking, lived in a well organized communities. Our prehuman ancestor was indubitably as true a friend to his friend as a chimpanzee or even a dog, as tender and solicitous to the young of his community and as self-sacrificing in its defense, aeons before he developed conceptual thought and became aware of the consequences of his actions.
According to the Immanuel Kant's teachings on morality, it is human reason (Vernunft) alone which supplies the categorical imperative "thous halt" as an answer to responsible self-questioning concerning any possible consequences of a certain action. However, it is doubtful whether "reason" is the correct translation of Kant's use of the word "Vernunft", which also implies connotation of common sense and of understanding and appreciation of another "reasonable" being. For Kant it is self evident that one reasonable being cannot possibly want to hurt another. This unconscious acceptance of what he considered evident, in other words common sense, represents the chink in the great philospher's shining armorof pure rationality, through which emotion,......
....
....
Even the first compensatory function of moral responsibility, preventing the Australopithecines from destroying themselves with their first pebble tools, could not have been achieved without an instinctive appreciation of life and death....
......
.....
Quote stop.
Then the author started to describe the increase rate of social change, which our biological behavior adaptability have a hard time to catch on.
Aggressive behavior and killing inhibition represent only one special case among many in which phylogenetically adapted behavior mechanisms are thrown out of balance by the rapid change wrought in human ecology and sociology by culture development. .......It is a widely held opinion, shared by some contemporary philosophers, that all human behavior patterns which served the welfare of the community, as opposed to that of the individual, are dictated by specifically human rational thought. Not only is this opinion erroneous, but the very opposite is true. If it were not for a rich endowment of social instincts, man could never have risen above the animal world. All specifically human faculties, the power of speech, cultural tradition, moral responsiblity, could have evolved only in a being which, before the very dawn of conceptual thinking, lived in a well organized communities. Our prehuman ancestor was indubitably as true a friend to his friend as a chimpanzee or even a dog, as tender and solicitous to the young of his community and as self-sacrificing in its defense, aeons before he developed conceptual thought and became aware of the consequences of his actions.
According to the Immanuel Kant's teachings on morality, it is human reason (Vernunft) alone which supplies the categorical imperative "thous halt" as an answer to responsible self-questioning concerning any possible consequences of a certain action. However, it is doubtful whether "reason" is the correct translation of Kant's use of the word "Vernunft", which also implies connotation of common sense and of understanding and appreciation of another "reasonable" being. For Kant it is self evident that one reasonable being cannot possibly want to hurt another. This unconscious acceptance of what he considered evident, in other words common sense, represents the chink in the great philospher's shining armorof pure rationality, through which emotion,......
....
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Even the first compensatory function of moral responsibility, preventing the Australopithecines from destroying themselves with their first pebble tools, could not have been achieved without an instinctive appreciation of life and death....
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Quote stop.
Then the author started to describe the increase rate of social change, which our biological behavior adaptability have a hard time to catch on.
Thursday, August 01, 2013
饅頭物語
我已經追逐饅頭超過十幾個年頭了. 第一次是看到舅媽做饅頭. 我驚喜的說要跟著學. 我第一做滿成功的. 做了十來個, 帶到大學去.
那時候跟室友處不來, 常常一個人帶了饅頭到圖書館, 一邊看書一邊啃饅頭, 直到深夜才回宿舍. 走在冷風裡, 還挺得意的. 自己會做饅頭,
就像小時候吃到的一樣.
但是, 好景不常, 第二次, 和之後幾年, 就不再成功. 有時候, 饅頭沒發, 蒸出來是石頭. 有時候, 蒸出來的是麵包, 軟軟的, 發的大大的, 裡面全是氣泡. 要再去找舅媽討教時, 舅媽卻偏愛麵包式的饅頭. 軟軟的, 鬆鬆的那一種. 可那不是我印象裡的饅頭. 總記得老爸說的, "你看, 饅頭裡面有洞, 就是偷工減料!" 這樣一來, 只要做饅頭, 就猛減酵母粉的量, 或者糖的量, 一心只要饅頭要緊實, 不能有洞. 有時候還大揉特揉, 希望揉個一個小時. 可是一次又一次, 饅頭越來越硬, 連放在湯裡都很難軟化. 有時候甚至白麵粉會做出黃石頭. 終於, 我決定不做了.
去年某個機緣, 看到麵包的做法, 裡面介紹用麵種. 腦袋裡又浮現饅頭. 那白白的外皮, 豐滿的形狀, 熱熱騰騰的特殊香氣. 我在網上找了一陣子, 在好幾個網誌上看到有人提到孟老師用老麵做得山東饅頭. 順藤摸瓜, 我終於找到了完美饅頭的方法! 當我用老麵照著孟老師的方法做出了無鹽無糖的山東饅頭. 那份喜悅真是不用提了.
上個月, 我到一家山東店, 很興奮的看到他們也賣饅頭. 一方面想看看自己做得像不像, 一方面也想看看自己做得可不可能比他們的好吃, 我點了一個饅頭. 老闆, 一臉驚訝的看著我說, "真的嗎? 裡面是沒有餡的哦..." 看他一臉驚訝, 我也有點吃驚, 說, "我知道." 回家後, 覺得真是有趣. 我想, 一定很少有人叫這玩意兒. 又想到, 我的妹夫吃到我最近做的饅頭, 他一開始很高興的吃著. 吃了一口, 覺得有點奇怪, 趕緊再咬一口, 臉上更是充滿了訝異. 他問我妹妹, 怎麼裡面無餡?! 我妹妹說, 饅頭就是無餡的啊. 他傻了眼, 看著又無鹽又無糖更無餡的麵食, 連說, what's the point? what's the point?
但是, 好景不常, 第二次, 和之後幾年, 就不再成功. 有時候, 饅頭沒發, 蒸出來是石頭. 有時候, 蒸出來的是麵包, 軟軟的, 發的大大的, 裡面全是氣泡. 要再去找舅媽討教時, 舅媽卻偏愛麵包式的饅頭. 軟軟的, 鬆鬆的那一種. 可那不是我印象裡的饅頭. 總記得老爸說的, "你看, 饅頭裡面有洞, 就是偷工減料!" 這樣一來, 只要做饅頭, 就猛減酵母粉的量, 或者糖的量, 一心只要饅頭要緊實, 不能有洞. 有時候還大揉特揉, 希望揉個一個小時. 可是一次又一次, 饅頭越來越硬, 連放在湯裡都很難軟化. 有時候甚至白麵粉會做出黃石頭. 終於, 我決定不做了.
去年某個機緣, 看到麵包的做法, 裡面介紹用麵種. 腦袋裡又浮現饅頭. 那白白的外皮, 豐滿的形狀, 熱熱騰騰的特殊香氣. 我在網上找了一陣子, 在好幾個網誌上看到有人提到孟老師用老麵做得山東饅頭. 順藤摸瓜, 我終於找到了完美饅頭的方法! 當我用老麵照著孟老師的方法做出了無鹽無糖的山東饅頭. 那份喜悅真是不用提了.
上個月, 我到一家山東店, 很興奮的看到他們也賣饅頭. 一方面想看看自己做得像不像, 一方面也想看看自己做得可不可能比他們的好吃, 我點了一個饅頭. 老闆, 一臉驚訝的看著我說, "真的嗎? 裡面是沒有餡的哦..." 看他一臉驚訝, 我也有點吃驚, 說, "我知道." 回家後, 覺得真是有趣. 我想, 一定很少有人叫這玩意兒. 又想到, 我的妹夫吃到我最近做的饅頭, 他一開始很高興的吃著. 吃了一口, 覺得有點奇怪, 趕緊再咬一口, 臉上更是充滿了訝異. 他問我妹妹, 怎麼裡面無餡?! 我妹妹說, 饅頭就是無餡的啊. 他傻了眼, 看著又無鹽又無糖更無餡的麵食, 連說, what's the point? what's the point?
離家不遠
(年度票選最佳散文)
透天三層洋房，座落在稻田旁，起風時，偶爾飄來豬屎堆肥異味。這是一個老舊翻新社區，八十三年夏推出，姊姊轉述建商說法：「前面要開一條八米路，直通鎮上心臟地帶；六輕在麥寮建廠，這裡必然大有發。」
猛翻數倍後，房價是撐平、緩步下滑，我不太相信會有大好榮景。哥和姐決定比鄰各買一戶，爸爸說：「問問韻芳，或許她也想在西螺買厝，人親土親。」
擁有一小方土地，是在台北難以達成的夢想，親友中不乏按月租地、翻土、施肥、種作，扮演都市農夫。對我而言：鋤犁是扛不動的浪漫，並不奢想嘗試。深層的想望是：九年後退休，住在舊厝附近，手足間各有獨立空間，卻是走幾步路或騎上鐵馬，就可以找爸媽談天說地、泡茶賞蘭。
那年，父親剛過七十，我相信他會像阿嬤一樣高壽九五，我還有福氣承歡膝前十五年。兒時不曾分離的歡聚，正是短短十五載。
爸爸曾經笑言：「算命先說我一生有財無庫，所以，當了二十幾年律師，仍是兩袖清風。」我坐在樹蔭清涼、繁花處處的大庭園裡，回想在這裡灌蟋蟀，卻灌出一條草蛇；空心菜摘了又長，如同變魔術一般神奇。
也憶起七歲那年，調皮的我惹煩忙著汲水的阿嬤，她掄起竹掃把掃我一頓。夜裡，才想起是我的生日，煮出兩個蛋，一個歸我獨享，一個由哥姐分食。阿嬤摸摸我猶留笞痕的手臂：「死查某鬼仔！真是大人吃肉，囝仔吃打。」
艱困歲月裡，厝內經濟是捉襟見肘，厝外卻是天寬地闊，任我遨遊。濁水溪堤岸，是一家人最常去的優美勝地－採西瓜、堆沙堡，或是揀回泛綠溪石，當成曠世稀寶典藏。
也有些活動，不能讓爸媽參與：到漫畫店租回「四郎真平」，藏在肚腹裡偷渡；花兩毛錢買枝仔冰，在圍牆外你一口、我一嘴舔個精光，夜裡吵架，捏得彼此腿上青一塊、紫一塊，天亮，媽喚姊姊打油，她瞪我一眼「走啦！」兩人一同出門，各走左右側溝沿，打了油，再各循原路返回。
哥 在初一離家，從此，我們就不曾再吵過嘴。在電話是奢侈品、交通又不方便的時代，台中、西螺遠如天涯。最近，哥曾聊起當時心境：「新生訓練只有半天，結束 後，我走兩公里到車站，看著公路局的車子，心想：搭上車就可以回家；又想：明天還要上課，回去又得馬上出門，繞來繞去，不知該怎麼辦？
最後，又走兩公里回學校。想像一個理和尚頭的小男孩，在車站來回徘徊，我不禁心酸。
幸運的我，晚三年才割斷臍帶。高一負笈他鄉，此後，台中、台北、華盛頓、紐約州，家，越來越遠。我如候鳥，逐月、逐季、逐年歸返。每一回，爸媽都問相同話語：「什麼時候擱轉來？」轉來，成了最殷切的叮嚀。
擠在座椅縫隙中，雙腳懸空，直到全身麻木，為的是趕上中秋夜，看阿嬤一面殺柚子，一面唸著：「月娘光光，目睛金金。」
風雪中的紐約州，華航在「世界日報」刊登巨幅廣告：「別人吃火雞，我們回家吃湯圓。」艷紅圓仔閃著溫潤光澤，我彷彿回到昏黃燈光下，有時比賽誰搓得最圓，有時刻意搓得大小不一，再參差排列，湯頭清時，大家都不愛吃，總是得再三回鍋，煮至黏稠帶點焦香，才是人間美味。
我癡望藍天：搭上飛機，就可以回家。出嫁十幾年，僅有一次回家過年，車抵家門，爸早就站在陽台上張望，轉身對屋內大聲呼喊：「韻芳回來囉！」洋溢而出的喜悅，暖著我的心頭。只是，對女人而言，家永遠是兩處模糊地帶，回家，永遠是難有著落的夢想。
夜半驚醒，湧上的常是來不及奔喪的恐懼。阿嬤高齡九十三，臨終前，她已退化至認不得我；媽媽因糖尿病失明，每天打胰島素，吞二十幾顆藥，我害怕夜裡的電話， 我深知：至親，隨時可能離去。每週打一通電話，三天寫一封信，儘揀神奇事物談笑；接獲爸的來信，卻忍不住淚如泉湧，終至放聲痛哭。
阿嬤過世，是在我回國以後，中午接獲電話，爸爸的口氣十分平靜：「阿嬤走了，我餵她喝過牛奶，扶她躺下，再回頭，她已經走了。」車子奔馳在高速公路，我的心不慌不亂，反倒有些暖意。想像中拖著女兒、萬里奔喪的畫面不曾出現，我恍然明白：台北離家不遠。離家不遠，就是幸福。
爸爸的離去，卻是讓我措手不及。新居由一片菜圃轉成樓房錯落，不過一年半。姊姊長住，我維持每個月回去一趟。回家的日子，多半是做幾樣自認神奇的菜，堆到爸媽碗裡；買幾件體面的衣服，讓他們掛在衣櫥。
爸爸問我：「你猜猜看，我晚年的願望是什麼？」我屢猜不中，答案是：「讓自己圍棋段數更高。」我疏忽了，每天都有老友來陪爸爸下棋：我的小學老師、崙背老醫生、民眾服務站主任、還有十來歲的孩童，在這塊土地自在過活，就是爸爸最大的快樂。
難怪我們想陪他出國觀光，爸一笑：「我在電視上都看過，不必長途跋涉。」多邀幾次，他乾脆表明：「離開家，我就睡不著。」爸爸出門的興致越來越低，甚至連請 他到嘉義吃早餐，他都說：「改天吧！出一趟門，就覺得累。」我聽不出警訊，仍傻傻妄想：有一天，他會答應我一起到夏威夷曬太陽、喝咖啡。
直到爸爸騎腳踏車出門，頭暈得幾乎軟倒在門口，我們才發現：他的胃悶、腹痛不是慢性胃炎或潰瘍，癌細胞早已在他的大腸肆虐多年。姊姊輪白天，哥嫂輪夜晚，爸爸住進省立醫院四天，哥才通知我：「爸爸要開刀，惡性的成分很高，爸說：『台北遠』，你等週六再回來。」
台北遠嗎？考上大學時，爸爸託他的棋友開小貨車，花一天親自陪我註冊；出國時，他送到機場，我入登機門後，他指著飛機告訴姊：「我們來看看，能再看到韻芳嗎？」
結婚當天，他清晨五點出門，陪我北上，喜宴後，又趕在深夜返家。台北一點兒也不遠。是塵俗瑣事讓遊子的心靈逐漸走遠，忘記去傾聽「不要牽掛我」背後的聲音。
「不要牽掛我，我很快會健康回來。」住院第一晚，爸爸提著點滴瓶，電話裡向媽許下承諾，決定轉診到林口長庚，爸堅持要再回家住一夜。
晚餐，全家圍坐，每個月都有團圓相聚，今夜，格外珍惜。爸爸第一件事是為媽挾菜。「我好幾天沒有為妳做事了。」媽媽失明二十年，爸爸每天帶她散步、為她添飯、布菜、倒洗澡水，爸爸捨不得離家，最大原因就是媽媽的眼睛。
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離 家前，爸爸戀戀環視自己一花一草耕耘的庭園，道出心願：「四個月後，我會完全康復，就可以再整理這片花園。」車上，爸爸說：「我這一生沒有遺憾，也沒有罣 礙。如果問我：一生最大的成就是什麼？我要說：是和妳媽媽一起建立這個家。」我緊握爸爸的手，心想：這座堡壘該換我們來撐持。
手術順利，爸爸在一星期後出院。一個半月後，發現癌細胞蔓延至肝，爸爸重回長庚，這次離家，足足三十五天。三組人馬輪流照護，日間，陪爸爸看窗前鳥雀啁啾：夜裡，陪爸爸看窗外燈火點點，從小至大，這是首次須臾不離。共同話題不多，仔細想來，爸一向不是多話的人。
他不曾天寒叫我們添衣、肚餓叫我們加食，也不曾對我們嘮叨他的期望。只是，在我為大學聯考失利而放聲痛哭時，他會拍拍我：傻孩子！妳一生的幸福，又不是只決定在這次考試。」
我回家坐月子時，天天吃麻油雞腰仔，他會瞞著阿嬤，偷偷削一個水梨給我；我返鄉任教的四年，他疼惜我中午騎車往返辛苦，總是用摩托車接送我。
我為他梳頭，笑著說：「我記得以前為你拔白髮，一根一毛錢。」姊姊接口：「聞一次腳丫，說好香，也有一毛錢。」
爸爸摸摸他稀疏泛黃的髮梢，早年，他烏黑茂密的濃髮人人稱羨，他也試過幾種染髮劑，想留住意氣風發的青春。此刻，他卻神情黯然望著鏡中自己。
「這些已不再重要。」什麼才是重要的？夢囈之中，爸爸回到他獲頒孝行獎的會場，這是他心中認定最大的榮耀嗎？
我埋首寫故鄉廟埕的劇本大綱，他眼中閃著光芒：「回家以後，我為妳找更多資料。」我想：爸爸要的很簡單：活著回家。和未知拔河，活著，卻十足艱難，爸爸由每日來回走動，誓言保持出院後的體力；撤退至走兩步就喘息不已：再至廁所後，力拉才能起身。
我試著探詢他最後的心願：「爸，你說阿嬤八十歲就備好壽衣，如果萬一，穿律師服好不好？」爸笑一笑：「律師服？很好啊！我為媽祖奉獻十三年，如果媽祖允許我選擇，我不想去西方極樂世界，我覺得那裡比較寂寞，我想回到鄉里，做個小小土地公，還是可以照看妳們。」
爸爸眼中霧氣深沈，在選擇回小鎮當律師時，他早已看淡物質名利；在為生命奮力掙扎時，他最不捨得還是家。
高燒過後，他正式把心願託付給我。「我不要在醫院走，我要回家。」我許下承諾：「我知道。」
賀伯颱風前夕，爸爸在醫師允諾下，意識清楚返家。風雨之中，他時時望著窗外：這處他用一生守護的家園。四天後，他在自己的床上過世，姿勢就像睡著一樣安詳。陷入昏迷前，他叮嚀我的最後一句話是：「下禮拜再回來。」
今年清明，我和哥姊一起上墳。在新厝整理香燭蔬果，備幾道爸爸生前愛吃的食物。女兒問我：「媽，我們為什麼要在西螺買房子？」我望向堆著雜物的客廳，尋覓當年想法：「我曾經有一個夢，想在退休以後，回來和阿公一起住。」舊夢已遠颺，淚，瞬間湧上。
我攬一攬女兒：「走吧！我們去看阿公。」墳頭的草郁郁青青，墓碑上的爸爸穿著律師服，淡淡笑著。
我們憶起：百日後，各自夢見爸爸，他或是壯年，或是老年，都是笑容依舊，此後，爸爸就不曾再入我們夢中。
失去父親三年，生命，難免顛簸難行，但是，我們彼此用心扶持，很快走出風雨，重見陽光。墳前，我們輪流撐傘，媽媽交代：要撐起傘，爸爸才能安心享用。我望著 爸盛年英挺的面容，低聲說：爸，吃飯了。」白花花陽光下，不見爸爸身影。不過，我相信：爸爸一定離家不遠，因為，不管身在何處，我們一直都離家不遠。
原繕打該文者言：
在報上看到這篇文章，我看得無法自已。利用深夜，坐在電腦前，一句一句看，一字一字打，縱然不再是初次閱讀，淚水，仍一次一次順著臉頰滑落，是某種情愫牽動 著吧，我想。故事很長，謝謝你很有耐心的看到最後，即使明知很長，我還是只想將故事打完；即使明知故事很長，你還是堅持著把它讀完朋友，此刻，我只想說： 謝謝你！！
家人是最珍貴的寶物，愛情也許會變淡，友情也許會消失，而家人永遠在你最需要時，在你身後靜靜的守候。
所以請你－－可以的話，對你的家人好一點。
據小站上風雨夜的查證, 這篇是台北衛理女中國文教師廖韵芳老師的作品, 據說是 2001 年票選最佳散文.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
我看 xporting raymond
everybody loves raymond 來說, 在看exporting raymond 時,有一個問題不斷被提出來, 那就是, raymond 的製作人在不斷面對俄國劇組的問題和不願意合作, 他說, 難道, 俄國人就沒有婆媳間的矛盾? 就沒有親家之間的摩擦? 因為 everybody loves raymond 基本上就是根據這個核心問題來推展出來的幽默短劇. 但是, 俄國劇組常常有人感覺, 俄國家庭不是象美國家庭那樣的.
製作人了解到這個情形, 他也同意, 在某些方面會有所不同. 但是基本上的矛盾和摩擦仍然存在. 也因為如此, 最後劇組和製作人才能成功的推出俄國版的 everybody loves raymond.
製作人了解到這個情形, 他也同意, 在某些方面會有所不同. 但是基本上的矛盾和摩擦仍然存在. 也因為如此, 最後劇組和製作人才能成功的推出俄國版的 everybody loves raymond.
禮儀用語 鈔的
中華文化禮儀用語：（幾近失傳）
頭次見面用久仰，很久不見說久違。
認人不清用眼拙，向人表歉用失敬。
請人批評說指教，求人原諒用包涵。
請人幫忙說勞駕，請給方便說借光。
麻煩別人說打擾，不知適宜用冒昧。
求人解答用請問，請人指點用賜教。
贊人見解用高見，自身意見用拙見。
看望別人用拜訪，賓客來到用光臨。
陪伴朋友用奉陪，中途先走用失陪。
等待客人用恭候，迎接表歉用失迎。
別人離開用再見，請人不送用留步。
歡迎顧客稱光顧，答人問候用托福。
問人年齡用貴庚，老人年齡用高壽。
讀人文章用拜讀，請人改文用斧正。
對方字畫為墨寶，招待不周說怠慢。
請人收禮用笑納，辭謝饋贈用心領。
問人姓氏用貴姓，回答詢問用免貴。
表演技能用獻醜，別人讚揚說過獎。
向人祝賀道恭喜，答人道賀用同喜。
請人擔職用屈就，暫時充任說承乏。
頭次見面用久仰，很久不見說久違。
認人不清用眼拙，向人表歉用失敬。
請人批評說指教，求人原諒用包涵。
請人幫忙說勞駕，請給方便說借光。
麻煩別人說打擾，不知適宜用冒昧。
求人解答用請問，請人指點用賜教。
贊人見解用高見，自身意見用拙見。
看望別人用拜訪，賓客來到用光臨。
陪伴朋友用奉陪，中途先走用失陪。
等待客人用恭候，迎接表歉用失迎。
別人離開用再見，請人不送用留步。
歡迎顧客稱光顧，答人問候用托福。
問人年齡用貴庚，老人年齡用高壽。
讀人文章用拜讀，請人改文用斧正。
對方字畫為墨寶，招待不周說怠慢。
請人收禮用笑納，辭謝饋贈用心領。
問人姓氏用貴姓，回答詢問用免貴。
表演技能用獻醜，別人讚揚說過獎。
向人祝賀道恭喜，答人道賀用同喜。
請人擔職用屈就，暫時充任說承乏。
I meant to say...
I played tennis with Michelle twice recently. It was fun. Her comment on the difference between my tennis and hers was interesting. I was saying that my power was weak, for she had to step forward to receive my return. She said that when I return a ball, some of my balls spun quite a bit. Hers on the other hand, was quite flat. But it was powerful, I thought. If she has the power to make the ball to reach the end of the other side, it must be easier for her to practice spin as well... And I wonder why my ball spun? This was certainly not intentional. But the way I exert my power must have something to do with this effect... I hope if I continue to do kettle bell, it would help me to develop some power. And I'd like to know how I spin a return...
當我說中國近代史不需要改， 但是需要更多中國人來寫， 我的意思是台灣香港的人, 甚至韓國日本高麗蒙古越南泰國等.... 他們比較沒有受到共產黨的教育. 大陸人在說改寫的時候, 實在和我想的很不一樣... 或許他們的改寫會比較接近台灣和香港的寫法, 至少在會脫離一點那種共黨用詞吧... 雖說我覺得那和英國的用詞滿象的...
I have a cousin, D. He is an Usan. My aunt who's a twin with my Mother would tell my mom that my cousin D complained everything that is wrong with him to his mother. Then he would add it's all my aunt and uncle's fault. My aunt must be very stressed out over this, she's not one that complain too much about her life, especially about her in laws. My Mother told me this. And I would be annoyed. How could he say that in front of his mother. Very disrespectful.
However, recently my thoughts was sipped in by the similar thought. This is sad. Very very sad. If by hearing other people saying it would annoy me, just imagine how mad I would be to produce that same thought on my own?
I do think I have some identity issues. I don't understand though is why I am so repressive right now? About a month ago, my other uncle and aunt came to our house for lunch, for their kitchen was remodeling. As usually they talked about the situation of my grandpa. Then my uncle said: "我相信久病無孝子." I wonder how he felt about what he said right after he said it. I know how I would feel. Terrible. If you want me to guess how he felt right after, he probably felt down a little as well.
But we can't control how we feel... Feeling is like weather. How could I accuse one feeling to be evil, and others to be angel? What we can decide, according to many of my readings, is that we can decide which feeling we want to sit on. But that makes me feel cold, cruel, and impersonal. Detachment is a better word.
What sipped into my mind was that I felt I was like my Mother and Father. But my sister got a better part of both of them, I got the opposite of what she got. I felt very much stressed by the thought and feeling. Because I can see, as clearly as I can right now, how much was put into developing me. There's no need to mention about materials. Just the time, and the energy.
Eventually, I know it's the cowardice in me. Not my Mother or Father. But it would so easy to blame other people. I cannot simply dwell on words, or thoughts, or feelings. I have to use my senses, my eyes, noses, ears, touches, to sharpen my perception, in the hope to get out of myself and get in touch with the outside world.
當我說中國近代史不需要改， 但是需要更多中國人來寫， 我的意思是台灣香港的人, 甚至韓國日本高麗蒙古越南泰國等.... 他們比較沒有受到共產黨的教育. 大陸人在說改寫的時候, 實在和我想的很不一樣... 或許他們的改寫會比較接近台灣和香港的寫法, 至少在會脫離一點那種共黨用詞吧... 雖說我覺得那和英國的用詞滿象的...
I have a cousin, D. He is an Usan. My aunt who's a twin with my Mother would tell my mom that my cousin D complained everything that is wrong with him to his mother. Then he would add it's all my aunt and uncle's fault. My aunt must be very stressed out over this, she's not one that complain too much about her life, especially about her in laws. My Mother told me this. And I would be annoyed. How could he say that in front of his mother. Very disrespectful.
However, recently my thoughts was sipped in by the similar thought. This is sad. Very very sad. If by hearing other people saying it would annoy me, just imagine how mad I would be to produce that same thought on my own?
I do think I have some identity issues. I don't understand though is why I am so repressive right now? About a month ago, my other uncle and aunt came to our house for lunch, for their kitchen was remodeling. As usually they talked about the situation of my grandpa. Then my uncle said: "我相信久病無孝子." I wonder how he felt about what he said right after he said it. I know how I would feel. Terrible. If you want me to guess how he felt right after, he probably felt down a little as well.
But we can't control how we feel... Feeling is like weather. How could I accuse one feeling to be evil, and others to be angel? What we can decide, according to many of my readings, is that we can decide which feeling we want to sit on. But that makes me feel cold, cruel, and impersonal. Detachment is a better word.
What sipped into my mind was that I felt I was like my Mother and Father. But my sister got a better part of both of them, I got the opposite of what she got. I felt very much stressed by the thought and feeling. Because I can see, as clearly as I can right now, how much was put into developing me. There's no need to mention about materials. Just the time, and the energy.
Eventually, I know it's the cowardice in me. Not my Mother or Father. But it would so easy to blame other people. I cannot simply dwell on words, or thoughts, or feelings. I have to use my senses, my eyes, noses, ears, touches, to sharpen my perception, in the hope to get out of myself and get in touch with the outside world.
wobbly tubbly doobbly
I felt strangely alienated. IT is not a good feeling.
饅頭, 一種很容易做的食物. 我花了至少七八年, 終於做的像樣一點. 第一次看到舅媽做, 那可有多興奮. 那是在大學吧. 我自己做了一大堆帶到學校去. 那時是大二, 受不了室友, 很少回自己的寢室. 有時候就帶著一個饅頭到圖書館. 還記得走在冰冷的晚風裡, 有時候坐在湖邊的石頭上餵餵加拿大雁, 當然, 大多數還是自己吃掉了. 那之後, 我做饅頭就很少成功. 滿奇怪的. 自己似乎很不會照方抓草藥. 當然, 可能也是不想照著舅媽的方子做, 他做的很像麵包, 只是外國的麵包是烤的, 他的是蒸的.
最近照著孟老師老麵的方法做出的饅頭都很成功. 可是無論是給誰, 舅舅, 胡熒阿姨, 林再榮阿姨, 或者是小瑋, 他們的反應都沒有很強. 這就使我想起來大概半年前, 去東海園時叫了一個饅頭, 老闆有點訝異的說, 你知道, 饅頭裡面什麼都無喲... 我想到這事就好笑. 一定很少人要饅頭, 這東西就象我妹夫說的, 又無鹽, 又無糖, 裡面也無餡, what's the point? 哈哈哈哈!
我今天早上在吃饅頭, 就在想這個問題. 我想這是否和我老爸有關係? 我爸也算榮民, 沒有老兵不吃饅頭吧? 我們住在台北金華街的時候, 金山南路上有家很有名饅頭店. 我們也不算天天吃, 但總是會吃到幾次. 在其他地方, 像是南門市場, 東門市場, 都有賣饅頭. 印象中的老爸也滿喜歡吃饅頭的, 單吃, 加鹽加油煎了吃, 沾豆腐乳吃, 夾滷牛肉... 不知道這是否有影響? 我想總是有的.
媽媽在去蘇州之前也提到外公以前也會吃饅頭配花生. 前幾天媽媽又提到了他以前在蘇州的時候沒吃過沒剝皮的花生. 他吃的花生都是去皮, 看起來白白黃黃的花生. 到了台灣後, 他 很吃驚看到台灣人都吃帶皮的花生, 他覺得他們很土. 可是現在都流行起吃皮來了, 所有的營養都在皮上. 媽媽覺得很有趣. 故記之.
I find it interesting that if i started to read my article while I was in the process of writing it, it usually means that I could not find anything to write anymore. Even though I feel I still got many things to write about. Would it be because that I want to correct myself? But who said that, "I don't worry too much about my errors. " It was from an interview with Steve Jobs in 1994, or 1996, I am not sure. If it was true, then maybe I should read it before I finished everything? Although most of the time, the reason I started to read my article was because I don't know how to continue the article... Such an irony?
It should not be the history facts that related us into a nation. It should be the current news! History should be a way to study one's self. But current news makes every citizen under one national banner. After studying history, one should learn about one's self. Tao then contradict itself. Because every thing a person learned from any subject, including History, his or her action is the current news!
spread your wings and takes to the sky...
I like kettle bell.
饅頭, 一種很容易做的食物. 我花了至少七八年, 終於做的像樣一點. 第一次看到舅媽做, 那可有多興奮. 那是在大學吧. 我自己做了一大堆帶到學校去. 那時是大二, 受不了室友, 很少回自己的寢室. 有時候就帶著一個饅頭到圖書館. 還記得走在冰冷的晚風裡, 有時候坐在湖邊的石頭上餵餵加拿大雁, 當然, 大多數還是自己吃掉了. 那之後, 我做饅頭就很少成功. 滿奇怪的. 自己似乎很不會照方抓草藥. 當然, 可能也是不想照著舅媽的方子做, 他做的很像麵包, 只是外國的麵包是烤的, 他的是蒸的.
最近照著孟老師老麵的方法做出的饅頭都很成功. 可是無論是給誰, 舅舅, 胡熒阿姨, 林再榮阿姨, 或者是小瑋, 他們的反應都沒有很強. 這就使我想起來大概半年前, 去東海園時叫了一個饅頭, 老闆有點訝異的說, 你知道, 饅頭裡面什麼都無喲... 我想到這事就好笑. 一定很少人要饅頭, 這東西就象我妹夫說的, 又無鹽, 又無糖, 裡面也無餡, what's the point? 哈哈哈哈!
我今天早上在吃饅頭, 就在想這個問題. 我想這是否和我老爸有關係? 我爸也算榮民, 沒有老兵不吃饅頭吧? 我們住在台北金華街的時候, 金山南路上有家很有名饅頭店. 我們也不算天天吃, 但總是會吃到幾次. 在其他地方, 像是南門市場, 東門市場, 都有賣饅頭. 印象中的老爸也滿喜歡吃饅頭的, 單吃, 加鹽加油煎了吃, 沾豆腐乳吃, 夾滷牛肉... 不知道這是否有影響? 我想總是有的.
媽媽在去蘇州之前也提到外公以前也會吃饅頭配花生. 前幾天媽媽又提到了他以前在蘇州的時候沒吃過沒剝皮的花生. 他吃的花生都是去皮, 看起來白白黃黃的花生. 到了台灣後, 他 很吃驚看到台灣人都吃帶皮的花生, 他覺得他們很土. 可是現在都流行起吃皮來了, 所有的營養都在皮上. 媽媽覺得很有趣. 故記之.
I find it interesting that if i started to read my article while I was in the process of writing it, it usually means that I could not find anything to write anymore. Even though I feel I still got many things to write about. Would it be because that I want to correct myself? But who said that, "I don't worry too much about my errors. " It was from an interview with Steve Jobs in 1994, or 1996, I am not sure. If it was true, then maybe I should read it before I finished everything? Although most of the time, the reason I started to read my article was because I don't know how to continue the article... Such an irony?
It should not be the history facts that related us into a nation. It should be the current news! History should be a way to study one's self. But current news makes every citizen under one national banner. After studying history, one should learn about one's self. Tao then contradict itself. Because every thing a person learned from any subject, including History, his or her action is the current news!
spread your wings and takes to the sky...
I like kettle bell.
史近代
看到拙貼了一篇文章有關近代史. 拙認為從寫近代史有助於中國民族主義的土壤.
文章開頭引出兩位外國學者對中國近代史的看法, 他們認為應該要重修. 之後文章由同意這個觀點來反對革命. 但最後一段說:
'"近代中国历史叙事模式的改写是一个艰巨工程，既需要执政者的胆略智慧，也需要不断向民众做深入细致的说服，让真相呈现出来，让大众自由拣择。一个多元的近代史叙事，只是在先前“革命叙事”基础上进行修正、补充，适度容纳某些“现代化叙事”的要素。'"
我覺得很可惜, 即使兩位外國學者是學術上的發言, 這篇文章卻是黨爭意識形態. 是為了共產黨目前的政治標語, "和諧" 兩字的註腳.
我查了查, 是有這兩個外國學者的發言. 但是, 都沒有提到重寫中國近代史. 這篇文章的黨爭意義在我眼裡更濃.
不過, 我覺得我是可以了解拙的本意. 只因為他提到民族主義. 我想他對上次的反日和不斷加強的愛國情緒很有印象. 這基本上和我對大姨說的一樣, 大陸需要提出一個或一組超脫國家之上, 脫升功利的全人類嚮往的最高標準. 不然, 出現的將是國家主義的強烈湧現. 現在的共黨不如以前, 是因為以前有這樣的一個最高標準, 他可以整合中國所有民族. 而現在,這恰恰是他所缺少的.
另外, 有關歷史的部分.我實在不能茍同所有教科書上的歷史. 我自從看過章太炎在九一八之後對於歷史的說法, 我就覺得有點心冷. 是的, 所有學校, 無論是地球上的哪個國度, 無有一個不是這樣教歷史的. 拿美國為例, 高中時, 或許比較少填塞, 可是在那之前, 早已填塞過了. 填塞的東西也和章太炎的目標是一致的. 就是由歷史的灌輸, 來達成國家印象的堅固. 這是很可惜的. 但是, 我也可以想像這是有其必然性的.
這種必然性和拙想脫離的悲情有點關係. 這種必然性我不確定我能說出來. 但是, 這種悲情, 我卻可以稍微在意義上擴展 文章裡以南京條約作為近代史的開端, 我想這或許是吧. 無論這事情的結果是否中國現代化, 這個過程, 將永遠是悲情. 即使他只是一個童話的破滅, 他都會帶來淡淡的哀愁. 我們不能因為這個事件最後的演變結果是完美的, 即使最後中國真的富強了, 我們就完全平靜的來看這個事件. 如果真是這樣, 就讓我想到在 Chinatown 最後的那句台詞, "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown." 我們怎能忘記如此悲情? 這一百多年來, 不斷追求的鞭策我們的就是這悲情. 一旦有人慢下來, 不求新求變, 就會有人用這種悲情來儆醒. 文章裡說的革命, 實際上是這悲情. 而非革命, 尤其是共產黨口下的革命...
文章開頭引出兩位外國學者對中國近代史的看法, 他們認為應該要重修. 之後文章由同意這個觀點來反對革命. 但最後一段說:
'"近代中国历史叙事模式的改写是一个艰巨工程，既需要执政者的胆略智慧，也需要不断向民众做深入细致的说服，让真相呈现出来，让大众自由拣择。一个多元的近代史叙事，只是在先前“革命叙事”基础上进行修正、补充，适度容纳某些“现代化叙事”的要素。'"
我覺得很可惜, 即使兩位外國學者是學術上的發言, 這篇文章卻是黨爭意識形態. 是為了共產黨目前的政治標語, "和諧" 兩字的註腳.
我查了查, 是有這兩個外國學者的發言. 但是, 都沒有提到重寫中國近代史. 這篇文章的黨爭意義在我眼裡更濃.
不過, 我覺得我是可以了解拙的本意. 只因為他提到民族主義. 我想他對上次的反日和不斷加強的愛國情緒很有印象. 這基本上和我對大姨說的一樣, 大陸需要提出一個或一組超脫國家之上, 脫升功利的全人類嚮往的最高標準. 不然, 出現的將是國家主義的強烈湧現. 現在的共黨不如以前, 是因為以前有這樣的一個最高標準, 他可以整合中國所有民族. 而現在,這恰恰是他所缺少的.
另外, 有關歷史的部分.我實在不能茍同所有教科書上的歷史. 我自從看過章太炎在九一八之後對於歷史的說法, 我就覺得有點心冷. 是的, 所有學校, 無論是地球上的哪個國度, 無有一個不是這樣教歷史的. 拿美國為例, 高中時, 或許比較少填塞, 可是在那之前, 早已填塞過了. 填塞的東西也和章太炎的目標是一致的. 就是由歷史的灌輸, 來達成國家印象的堅固. 這是很可惜的. 但是, 我也可以想像這是有其必然性的.
這種必然性和拙想脫離的悲情有點關係. 這種必然性我不確定我能說出來. 但是, 這種悲情, 我卻可以稍微在意義上擴展 文章裡以南京條約作為近代史的開端, 我想這或許是吧. 無論這事情的結果是否中國現代化, 這個過程, 將永遠是悲情. 即使他只是一個童話的破滅, 他都會帶來淡淡的哀愁. 我們不能因為這個事件最後的演變結果是完美的, 即使最後中國真的富強了, 我們就完全平靜的來看這個事件. 如果真是這樣, 就讓我想到在 Chinatown 最後的那句台詞, "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown." 我們怎能忘記如此悲情? 這一百多年來, 不斷追求的鞭策我們的就是這悲情. 一旦有人慢下來, 不求新求變, 就會有人用這種悲情來儆醒. 文章裡說的革命, 實際上是這悲情. 而非革命, 尤其是共產黨口下的革命...
Saturday, July 27, 2013
centergy sequence
centergy sequence:
warm up
cardio
strength
balance
back core muscle
front core muscle
hip
spine/twist
stretch
corpse
warm up
cardio
strength
balance
back core muscle
front core muscle
hip
spine/twist
stretch
corpse
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
beets recipe
I got this recipe from simply recipe site. It was so good, especially with orange zest(peel in small pieces, could be flaky, or thin strips). After putting everything together, it need to put aside to let every smells, taste, flavor or whatnot to come together.
Ingredients
Method
1 Preheat oven to 400°F. Line a roasting pan with aluminum foil. Place the beets in the pan. Rub olive oil over the beets, and sprinkle with salt. Cover the beets with another sheet of aluminum foil. Roast for 1 to 2 hours, depending on the size of the beets and how old they are. After 1 hour, test every fifteen minutes by poking a beet with the tines of a fork. Once the fork tines go in easily, the beets are tender and cooked. Remove from the oven.
2 While the beets are cooling, prepare the balsamic glaze. In a small, shallow sauté pan, add the balsamic vinegar and sugar. Heat on high until the vinegar has reduced to a syrup consistency. Remove from heat.
3 After the beets have cooled for several minutes, but are still warm to the touch, peel off the outer skins and discard. Cut the beets into quarters or more, bite-sized pieces.
4 Place beets in a serving bowl. Pour balsamic glaze over the beets. Stir in grated orange zest, and add salt and pepper to taste.
Garnish with a little orange zest to serve.
* Notes to self: I did not use olive oil before or after. I did not use salt before roasting. I did put very little in the 4th step. My temperature was not 400 F, but 375. I did not use the quantity of beets, vinegar, sugar, or orange zest given above. And as I said, it need to be put aside for at least 15 minutes. I put them in refrigerator for about 20-30 minutes. The roasting time cannot be too too long, if beets were to mushy, it won't be good.
Ingredients
- 2 pounds red beets, medium sized, scrubbed clean, green tops removed
- Olive oil
- Salt
- 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
- 2 teaspoons sugar
- 1 teaspoon grated orange zest
- Freshly ground black pepper
Method
1 Preheat oven to 400°F. Line a roasting pan with aluminum foil. Place the beets in the pan. Rub olive oil over the beets, and sprinkle with salt. Cover the beets with another sheet of aluminum foil. Roast for 1 to 2 hours, depending on the size of the beets and how old they are. After 1 hour, test every fifteen minutes by poking a beet with the tines of a fork. Once the fork tines go in easily, the beets are tender and cooked. Remove from the oven.
2 While the beets are cooling, prepare the balsamic glaze. In a small, shallow sauté pan, add the balsamic vinegar and sugar. Heat on high until the vinegar has reduced to a syrup consistency. Remove from heat.
3 After the beets have cooled for several minutes, but are still warm to the touch, peel off the outer skins and discard. Cut the beets into quarters or more, bite-sized pieces.
4 Place beets in a serving bowl. Pour balsamic glaze over the beets. Stir in grated orange zest, and add salt and pepper to taste.
Garnish with a little orange zest to serve.
* Notes to self: I did not use olive oil before or after. I did not use salt before roasting. I did put very little in the 4th step. My temperature was not 400 F, but 375. I did not use the quantity of beets, vinegar, sugar, or orange zest given above. And as I said, it need to be put aside for at least 15 minutes. I put them in refrigerator for about 20-30 minutes. The roasting time cannot be too too long, if beets were to mushy, it won't be good.
Monday, July 22, 2013
movies recently
Get the Gringo was really good. I am so glad to see Melgibson in a fun movie.
Snitch, I think it's probably the best dwaynejohnson movie I've seen. It's not really an action movie. The main character doesn't need to be acted by DJ. But I think with DJ in place and intentionally made him vulnerable like a common people, it adds something to the movie and showcased DJ's ability to act. I love it. It also is a political movie, it showed us one unfair law.
Silverlining Playbook, was a very fun movie. I could not it as a movie for people with those disorders though. As a romantic comedy I think it was really awesome, it should be ranked with BJ's diary, Sleepless in Seattle...etc.
Guilt trip, with sethrogen and barbrastreisand. I took a risk on this one. I could predict the ending even the process. But the movie did not disguise itself. When it's angry, it's angry. When it's funny, it's funny. I liked it. I watched with my mom, she liked it a little as well.
Snitch, I think it's probably the best dwaynejohnson movie I've seen. It's not really an action movie. The main character doesn't need to be acted by DJ. But I think with DJ in place and intentionally made him vulnerable like a common people, it adds something to the movie and showcased DJ's ability to act. I love it. It also is a political movie, it showed us one unfair law.
Silverlining Playbook, was a very fun movie. I could not it as a movie for people with those disorders though. As a romantic comedy I think it was really awesome, it should be ranked with BJ's diary, Sleepless in Seattle...etc.
Guilt trip, with sethrogen and barbrastreisand. I took a risk on this one. I could predict the ending even the process. But the movie did not disguise itself. When it's angry, it's angry. When it's funny, it's funny. I liked it. I watched with my mom, she liked it a little as well.
Sunday random event
I went to uncle's house to mow his lawn yesterday. There was no need to do that yet. Mao and Michelle came to the street to practice their staffs sequence and saw me. Michelle invited me to their lunch at Dumpling house in Boston Chinatown. I hesitated but said yes. Michelle said, "you know you want the food, Jack..." I wonder how did she know... lol But by inviting me, they need a bigger car, so Michelle went to borrow her mom's mini van. Alex came first, shoot a few videos with Mao and Michelle's staffs sequence. Mao shot a sequence of Alex's as well. Later, Alex's mom, Inga and brother, Nick came. Then we were off to Boston.
I was surprised to see Caroline at the Dumpling house. After we went in the restaurant, I was more surprised to find out that she's engaged, or married to Will, who's a senior or junior when I went to High School. The restaurant was packed as usual. Caroline's dad owned the restaurant, and he already ordered tons of food for us. We, about 8 people, occupied two of the biggest table in the restaurant. It was past 2pm, but there's still a line outside. In the mid process of consuming our lunch, 4 other people, a dad brought his three sons, 5, 3, 2 yrs old, joined us. Even with the new comers, it was a fat chance for us to finish all those food. Eventually, we packed about 60-70% food to go. Caroline paid the bill, she said it's a send off for Michelle.
Though as full as we were, to the pastry shop we went next. After that we said goodby to Caroline and her hubby. Unbelievably, we went to the smoothy store next. Then silky way, then some turtles on the street. We went to Boston Common at the end. Those three kids seemed to have a good time. Alex, me, and Allen (three kids' dad), were playing a ball I packed in my bag. Alex and Allen did some martial art spar too. Mao and Michelle relaxed on the side with Nick and Inga. We left at about 6, with a dark, thick cloud over us. Then came the shower. After a week of toasty weather, it was really a joy to have such a good weather, and ended with a blessed shower.
I was surprised to see Caroline at the Dumpling house. After we went in the restaurant, I was more surprised to find out that she's engaged, or married to Will, who's a senior or junior when I went to High School. The restaurant was packed as usual. Caroline's dad owned the restaurant, and he already ordered tons of food for us. We, about 8 people, occupied two of the biggest table in the restaurant. It was past 2pm, but there's still a line outside. In the mid process of consuming our lunch, 4 other people, a dad brought his three sons, 5, 3, 2 yrs old, joined us. Even with the new comers, it was a fat chance for us to finish all those food. Eventually, we packed about 60-70% food to go. Caroline paid the bill, she said it's a send off for Michelle.
Though as full as we were, to the pastry shop we went next. After that we said goodby to Caroline and her hubby. Unbelievably, we went to the smoothy store next. Then silky way, then some turtles on the street. We went to Boston Common at the end. Those three kids seemed to have a good time. Alex, me, and Allen (three kids' dad), were playing a ball I packed in my bag. Alex and Allen did some martial art spar too. Mao and Michelle relaxed on the side with Nick and Inga. We left at about 6, with a dark, thick cloud over us. Then came the shower. After a week of toasty weather, it was really a joy to have such a good weather, and ended with a blessed shower.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
some thoughts for today
I watched kundun. It's a movie about Dalai lama. It kept reminded me of many images and memories of the last emperor. I guess they really have something in common. They were both started in very early age. They were both brought up by men of unique professions. They were both separated from their family, although there's different level of separation. They both faced extra ordinary time in the history of Zhong Guo. The custom, the clothes, the many other everyday life things had many resemblance in the movies as well. There are differences between them, of course. The most stark one, I think is that I can see difference between Tibetan and Han, but not much from Manchu and Han.
I don't like the movie as much as the last emperor. I felt the last emperor presented a man with better clarity while kundun had many muddy spots. I don't think Dalai could separate himself from the secular life, mainly political, economical, aspect of tibetan government. But the truth was that this little boy could not really touch the sensitive topic of political and economical aspect of tibetan daily life. What I want to say is that the political structure of tibetan was murky at best while the movie focused on Dalai. And yet, a boy who has no power over political and economical daily life, the destiny was rested upon solely on his shoulders. When there was big decision to make, and Dalai wondered what his subjects thought, he could only get an answer like, "what do I know, I am nothing but a bug."
I am no Buddhist, but I don't think it is fair to put such decision on such a boy, only a teenager, no matter how smart, how spiritual he was. And I wonder how much was Dalai's decision made affected by the political core around him. Although his subjects would humbly saying they were bugs, but Dalai was raised by them, surrounded by them, and they are his only source for outside world...
It does not need to say much about how horrible communist party was. And yet, here we had a feminine Mao Ze Dong... It seemed weird. And I think just by doing this, the movie fell short.
The movie was still grand in terms of many ways. But murky political situation render the portrait of a man incomplete. I also would like to point out that the story seemed one sided. But if audience realized the one sided story, I think it's a valuable movie.
------------------------------------------------------
My heart is unstable. Unrest and yet numb. I am scared, very much so. Very very much so. I have lost will to live, I feel there's nothing to hold me in this life, not even my mother, my sister, Bao Bao, or No No. I don't want to play video game, I play basketball alone. I can't interact with people. I felt a bubble around me when I am with them. I don't enjoy eating, or drinking, nor do sleeping and pooping. Reading seemed obsolete, movies lost its weight. Totally silent in my mind, dead would be a more proper word. I am a coward. A Coward. A dog with its tail between its legs. How much am I left?
------------------------------------------------------
I don't like the movie as much as the last emperor. I felt the last emperor presented a man with better clarity while kundun had many muddy spots. I don't think Dalai could separate himself from the secular life, mainly political, economical, aspect of tibetan government. But the truth was that this little boy could not really touch the sensitive topic of political and economical aspect of tibetan daily life. What I want to say is that the political structure of tibetan was murky at best while the movie focused on Dalai. And yet, a boy who has no power over political and economical daily life, the destiny was rested upon solely on his shoulders. When there was big decision to make, and Dalai wondered what his subjects thought, he could only get an answer like, "what do I know, I am nothing but a bug."
I am no Buddhist, but I don't think it is fair to put such decision on such a boy, only a teenager, no matter how smart, how spiritual he was. And I wonder how much was Dalai's decision made affected by the political core around him. Although his subjects would humbly saying they were bugs, but Dalai was raised by them, surrounded by them, and they are his only source for outside world...
It does not need to say much about how horrible communist party was. And yet, here we had a feminine Mao Ze Dong... It seemed weird. And I think just by doing this, the movie fell short.
The movie was still grand in terms of many ways. But murky political situation render the portrait of a man incomplete. I also would like to point out that the story seemed one sided. But if audience realized the one sided story, I think it's a valuable movie.
------------------------------------------------------
My heart is unstable. Unrest and yet numb. I am scared, very much so. Very very much so. I have lost will to live, I feel there's nothing to hold me in this life, not even my mother, my sister, Bao Bao, or No No. I don't want to play video game, I play basketball alone. I can't interact with people. I felt a bubble around me when I am with them. I don't enjoy eating, or drinking, nor do sleeping and pooping. Reading seemed obsolete, movies lost its weight. Totally silent in my mind, dead would be a more proper word. I am a coward. A Coward. A dog with its tail between its legs. How much am I left?
------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, July 04, 2013
那最後一瞥
我從蘇州回美國的那一天早上十點, 外公帶媽媽和我去吃最後一次陸振興. 像往常一樣, 外公看我吃完了, 就教阿姨帶我去隔壁街的市場逛一逛. 這是我第二次去這條很窄很窄的街, 很傳統很傳統的市場. 小販和攤店沿著小巷,大塊大塊的肉放在桌上, 草編的淺籃子裡賣著菜葉, 豆子, 和莖塊, , 塑膠盒裡灌著水養著鰻魚, 和其他水族, 也有賣各式糕點. 巷子裡是真正的摩肩擦踵, 人頭湧動. 潮濕的道路上滿是菜葉, 和不平的路面. 乾貨的店面看起來還好, 但是, 賣水族和肉類的店裡都又陰又潮.
走著走著,開始有點噁心. 看看左邊盆裡的鱉,右邊塑膠袋裡擠滿滿的蛙, 鉆板上血淋淋魚, 和紅色的肉. 顧客和店家似乎無視於這一切, 正在大聲的討論貨物和價錢. 就在這時, 我經過一個店面, 我已經忘記那是啥的店面了. 只記得, 一個大概十六七歲的男孩, 抱著他的貓坐在他要賣的貨物後面. 他似乎忘記他在市場裡, 他懷裡的貓安安祥祥的任他抱著. 旁邊的嘈雜, 人群的忙碌, 和這個小男孩很不搭調. 好像他其實只是兩個店面中間的一堵牆, 牆上畫了一個抱貓的小男孩.
感覺很奇怪, 可是卻也很有同感. 經過了三個星期的旅行, 我很想我的貓. 很想抱抱我的寶寶.
走著走著,開始有點噁心. 看看左邊盆裡的鱉,右邊塑膠袋裡擠滿滿的蛙, 鉆板上血淋淋魚, 和紅色的肉. 顧客和店家似乎無視於這一切, 正在大聲的討論貨物和價錢. 就在這時, 我經過一個店面, 我已經忘記那是啥的店面了. 只記得, 一個大概十六七歲的男孩, 抱著他的貓坐在他要賣的貨物後面. 他似乎忘記他在市場裡, 他懷裡的貓安安祥祥的任他抱著. 旁邊的嘈雜, 人群的忙碌, 和這個小男孩很不搭調. 好像他其實只是兩個店面中間的一堵牆, 牆上畫了一個抱貓的小男孩.
感覺很奇怪, 可是卻也很有同感. 經過了三個星期的旅行, 我很想我的貓. 很想抱抱我的寶寶.
Monday, July 01, 2013
blubbering
I fear to be like my dad, my uncle, and now my grandpa. I saw many flaws in them. I saw those flaws in me. Although I know they all have their own merits. I can't find those merits in me. I saw flaws in people, I distrust them for this, it seems. Yet, I saw merits in them as well. I do not have those merits. I gross myself out.
I have keen sense of being involved in other people's feeling ,thoughts, and actions. And yet, I could not find my own thoughts, feelings, and actions when I am with them. I distrust myself first for I cannot forge for what I want? Or, I just turned my face away from what I know. If my faced turned, is it because of my fear? Or, otherwise.
I have keen sense of being involved in other people's feeling ,thoughts, and actions. And yet, I could not find my own thoughts, feelings, and actions when I am with them. I distrust myself first for I cannot forge for what I want? Or, I just turned my face away from what I know. If my faced turned, is it because of my fear? Or, otherwise.
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