I started to have a regular job. But every problem that I have is still there. I was never naive about having a job at first, and all my problems would soon go away. I can also foresee that every troublesome scenario in my head. Now I filled my life with work. I pushed myself to see some the real nakedness, I could not fulfill that emptiness. All the things I personally want to do, no matter how little, I could not push myself to do them. Whenever, I was with myself, My head just went blanc. I wake with a dreadful dreadful sadness every morning. I still wish to die. But I know I will not do it. Because, I don't do anything I myself want to do. Instead, I wait. Until one day, the world came which he already did. Regular job was first step. But didn't I want a regular job? Yes. But I do what job said. Then after that 8 hours. Nothing. Not a thing. You have no idea How much Hate for myself. Nada!
The situation should be ransomed easily. right? right. Just fucking do it already! NO, but there're excuses, I don't want to be uncle. I don't want to be my dad. I don't want to be my mom. I am all those people that I know of, with their worst attributes in me. do I blame them? No, I blame myself. I feel I see, but I do not. Blind as I am, what I say, could only reflect a blind man's visual. Blanc.
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