randonma

I played basketball yesterday.  I felt so lost at the end.  The first game I played with one of the good player in the group.  I was doing okay.  Then I switched team, and that was a horrible loss.  I blame myself a lot.  I don't recall we scored single basket.  The problem was the point guard position, which I think I should take it.  But I practically gave up the the position to whomever.  I felt horrible about it after the game.  Horrendous, in fact.  I can sum up many excuses as usual.  But I am not gong to say much here.  The feeling lingered even today.  I could only work with 10% of what's left after the feeling.  I so wish I could be awesome like that good player.  But I was far far off.  But most of all, I lacked the heart. 

I did not play well in ping pong at work these few weeks.  I think my sleeping habit need a bit straighten out. 

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I got large carpenter ants in the ground at my backyard.  I am thinking of how to get rid of it.  

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It is horrendous that to feel like I am in a deep hole.  No help at all.  completely cut off. 

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My mom is on the verge of breaking down.  I think.  Seeing how her father is right now.  and the conflict thus aroused between her and her brother is taking a great toll.  But I've always over think of this thing.   If my mental process is a high way.  The road sign always showed downhill, and slow down signs.  lol. 


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The good player we played yesterday, said something funny.  a phrase, "chinese modesty".  my sister was showing a friend the proper shooting form, that player was around, and said, "ah, you are a good Basketball teacher."  my sister, know how good a player he is, said something modestly.  I think that's how it went down.  I felt a bit detest in his voice.  I can immediately know why.   Mother's father is living with uncle.  I know exactly how annoying that could be.  The annoyance lies in that it's not sincerely.  I would say something like that too.  I saw my grandpa kept telling uncle's friends how bad the food were in the party at my uncle's house.  It was so annoying.  Chinese modesty.   Grandpa would not behave that way with my mom and my uncle privately.  That modesty is a mask.  What lies beneath it was not really a feeling of modesty, but a need to show off more, or to get people to like him.  That being said, I still do not have other ways to express.  There is no need to boast either.   I want to be right on target. 

My sister explained how she learned the right posture for shooting basketball afterwards.  Then, people would forget what she said. and so would she. 

But this thing got me thinking. 

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客氣, 是一種禮貌.  但是, 極度的客氣, 不是.  適當的客氣, 可以與人融洽的氣氛.  也可以有真誠的感覺.  我現在又再說啥哩?  我豈不是對昨天的那場球賽懊惱嗎?  現在說到客氣和昨天的事情有關嗎?

我一字也不說, 坐在電腦螢幕前.  可是卻感覺, 電腦螢幕離我愈來愈遠.