rambling

It's been two weeks, mascon haven't called back yet.  I need to call. 

I really wish to have a girl by my side.  But I really could not construct a future at all.  Do I lost my aggressive drive?  Would this related to my wanting to be correct and proper?  And any deviate from correctness and proper is unbearable to me personally.  I really really wish to have a girl I love by my side. 

If i settled in a new situation, it became stale.  But I won't find new ways to improve it. 

Sometimes i wonder if my desire to be able to satisfy a girl in bed is so fervent, would be because I could never make my mom happy.  And this disgusts me to my stomach.  As I dig deeper, I think it related to the aggressive drive, which somehow could not realized in any proper  channel.  For I watch over every possible channel.  I do not want to have any leak.  Of course, aggression escaped in most infuriating sense.  I tried even harder.  Until now, I meet angry with either flapper mouse, or masterbet, or drowsiness, or if I was lucky enough to get a hold myself, I do exercise.  But exercise was rare. 

That is not to say that I don't feel genuine love towards the opposite sex.  On the contrary, the intensity was and is unbearable.  My mom and sis and uncle always wonder why I did not go to animal shelter.  I could not go because, I was so attracted to female colleagues, I can't stay.  Some one can tell me that all men feel the same, but for me, they can be around girls.  I just felt out of control, jealous, self despise, embarrassment.  Excuses, excuses... 

and right now, confession did not make me feel relieved.  it is like reliving my nightmares.  just remember, if i could not construct a future, i can't have a girl.  no contact, no discussion, never compromise!