I meant to say...

I played tennis with Michelle twice recently.   It was fun.  Her comment on the difference between my tennis and hers was interesting.  I was saying that my power was weak, for she had to step forward to receive my return.  She said that when I return a ball, some of my balls spun quite a bit.  Hers on the other hand, was quite flat.  But it was powerful, I thought.  If she has the power to make the ball to reach the end of the other side, it must be easier for her to practice spin as well...  And I wonder why my ball spun?  This was certainly not intentional.  But the way I exert my power must have something to do with this effect...  I hope if I continue to do kettle bell, it would help me to develop some power.  And I'd like to know how I spin a return...




當我說中國近代史不需要改，　但是需要更多中國人來寫，　我的意思是台灣香港的人, 甚至韓國日本高麗蒙古越南泰國等....  他們比較沒有受到共產黨的教育.  大陸人在說改寫的時候, 實在和我想的很不一樣...  或許他們的改寫會比較接近台灣和香港的寫法, 至少在會脫離一點那種共黨用詞吧...   雖說我覺得那和英國的用詞滿象的... 



I have a cousin, D.  He is an Usan.  My aunt who's a twin with my Mother would tell my mom that my cousin D complained everything that is wrong with him to his mother.  Then he would add it's all my aunt and uncle's fault.  My aunt must be very stressed out over this, she's not one that complain too much about her life, especially about her in laws.  My Mother told me this.  And I would be annoyed.  How could he say that in front of his mother.  Very disrespectful. 

However, recently my thoughts was sipped in by the similar thought.  This is sad.  Very very sad.  If by hearing other people saying it would annoy me, just imagine how mad I would be to produce that same thought on my own? 

I do think I have some identity issues.  I don't understand though is why I am so repressive right now?  About a month ago, my other uncle and aunt came to our house for lunch, for their kitchen was remodeling.  As usually they talked about the situation of my grandpa.  Then my uncle said:  "我相信久病無孝子."  I wonder how he felt about what he said right after he said it.  I know how I would feel.  Terrible.  If you want me to guess how he felt right after, he probably felt down a little as well. 

But we can't control how we feel...  Feeling is like weather.  How could I accuse one feeling to be evil, and others to be angel?  What we can decide, according to many of my readings, is that we can decide which feeling we want to sit on.  But that makes me feel cold, cruel, and impersonal.  Detachment is a better word. 

What sipped into my mind was that I felt I was like my Mother and Father.  But my sister got a better part of both of them, I got the opposite of what she got.  I felt very much stressed by the thought and feeling.  Because I can see, as clearly as I can right now, how much was put into developing me.  There's no need to mention about materials.  Just the time, and the energy. 

Eventually, I know it's the cowardice in me.  Not my Mother or Father.  But it would so easy to blame other people.  I cannot simply dwell on words, or thoughts, or feelings.  I have to use my senses, my eyes, noses, ears, touches, to sharpen my perception, in the hope to get out of myself and get in touch with the outside world.