I went to Texas last week, from Tues to Fri. It's a very short trip. We went to my aunt's new home, which is really middle of nowhere. We went to Houston and Austin, both 5 hour round trip. But it is unique. The ranch was big, and there are cows free ranging 6 feet off our front door. I was hoping to pet a cow. But they were extremely shy. It was a curious sight when all of sudden, all cow raised their head to look at you. You know it's true that they noticed you although I don't want to anthropomorphize the cow. At that moment, it felt funny like I was being discovered by a group people I was trying to sneak around. I was wearing red the first day so I was also wonder if they'd charge because of that. lol That range is beautiful. It has at least 2 ponds, a wooded area, the landscape was interesting enough. But it needs a lot of work. I wonder if my aunt and her husband could really handle it.
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Like I said that place was far from big city. We went to Austin to meet my cousin, that was a 5 hour trip, wait, cross that, with some stops along the way, it was a whole day trip. And we only meet my cousin for a 40 minutes Ramen... The soup itself was decent enough, but portion was small...
Then on Thursday, we went to Wendy's house in Houston for dinner. It was only a meal, not even a tea time. Then, whew, we were leaving. PQ driving home this time. It was really dark the closer we get to the destination. To me, it's amazing to drive 5 hours round trip just to have a meal. But my gosh, when I looked back it was like a dream. Short, weird, but vivid. It was in a hurry, many details were missing. It felt awkward. That awkward may make the trip memorable? lol
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On the last night in Texas, I had a dream. I dreamt of CJ dressed in a black dress, with a bit shoulders showing. She walked to my left side, then maybe we exchanged a few words. I thought she was going to sit by my side. But no, she sat on my left thigh. I could not help but exploded to hug her, put my head on her shoulder. Then I was pulled from it, in a state of shock.
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We went to rock climbing on 10-18-2015 morning with george, george's wife, CJ, CJ's brother. I was surprised that all of us could accomplishing a lot for that day. I thought george was doing great, so was his wife, tian zhou yiao. CJ's brother did not surprise me. I already knew her will, but I was surprised at CJ's ability to climb. CJ's brother seemed really interested, he even asked the staff there about the transportation. It surprised me that the rcok gym provide service to pick people up at subway station!
After two and half hours of climbing, we went to Brooklyn to eat. On the way back, I missed a turn, then I have to pay the toll booth... :p
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Sunday, November 15, 2015
Saturday, October 24, 2015
movies, pictures, expression
Since life of pi, the movie, I was stunned by the graphical power of movie. I never felt such incredible visual feat other than disney's anime and 宮崎駿 的 cartoons. I watched another movie, mad max fury road, that gave me the same impression this year. The difference is that life of pi used a lot of CGI, Mad max the fury road did not. In face, it's a total contrast, the campaign boasted that instead of CGI, they used traditional, real physical stunts! It was truly fast and furious. The third movie gave me the same feeling was the secret life of walter mitty. It used some CGI to create imaginary sequences in the early stage. But it did not abandon the real physical beauty of the surroundings. As the story progressed, the real world took the front role. It eventually bring the audience to see majestic scenery.
However, I find one thing very interesting. The story arch of these three movies are extremely simple. The dialogue used in the movies is elegant maybe, but simple as well. The mad max fury road brought the dialogue down on the dirt surface. Life of pi used exclamation and monologue most of the time. The secret life of walter mitty was consisted of awkward silence and awkward conversation. This is interesting. Because I would usually consider dialogue as king in movies. That's what drives movie in terms of story, character, and mood usually. But here, pictures delivered impact beyond words.
However, I find one thing very interesting. The story arch of these three movies are extremely simple. The dialogue used in the movies is elegant maybe, but simple as well. The mad max fury road brought the dialogue down on the dirt surface. Life of pi used exclamation and monologue most of the time. The secret life of walter mitty was consisted of awkward silence and awkward conversation. This is interesting. Because I would usually consider dialogue as king in movies. That's what drives movie in terms of story, character, and mood usually. But here, pictures delivered impact beyond words.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
rockclimbing
I finally went to rock climbing today. Since two years ago that I know there're climbing gyms around my area, I finally got to do it.
For the past few weeks I was trying to get some colleagues to go to the gym, mainly CJ, George... But it's a hard process. It's hard to coordinate schedule, mostly. George also had reservation about such strenuous activity. I don't have clue how rock climbing really is. But George's wife expressed interest...so, there he goes, I guess. CJ wanted to bring his brother, but his brother is working at CVS. He also wanted to make sure that it's worth to use a personal day.
So I decided to try it out before getting them all involved. I talked to my sister, we decided to go together on Sunday afternoon. And instead of Woburn, we went to the one in Everett. It's bigger than the Woburn gym, My bother in law said. We need to sign the waiver to get in, I read a little and was surprised to see that even if the equipment failed, it's still not gym's fault! It sounds scary. But anyway, I was already there, gotta gathering the courage. We decided to do auto belay and boulder.
I got on the auto belay and got on to the top in my first try. But it was coming down that's scared me. At first I was trying to climbing down. I got tired. However, to let the auto belay get me down, I was really scared, I hate the sensation of falling. I was struggling while breaking with the auto belay. I landed facing out instead of facing the wall. Then I went to bouldering. This one does not need ropes, the height is shorter, but still you need a thick pad down below, so it can break your fall. I somehow felt less stress with it. So I did bouldering for a quite a while, then April and her husband came to look for me. Then we went to do some more auto belaying. However, this time, it's really hard for me. Because I could not climbing a single one successfully. My forearms were stiffed up, could not exert too much power when that happened! I tried another 3 auto belay courses, all failed. I can still so bouldering though.
After about 2 hours, we went to April's home to have hot pot.
It was fun! But I have doubts that George and CJ would enjoy it... Maybe CJ's bother would.
For the past few weeks I was trying to get some colleagues to go to the gym, mainly CJ, George... But it's a hard process. It's hard to coordinate schedule, mostly. George also had reservation about such strenuous activity. I don't have clue how rock climbing really is. But George's wife expressed interest...so, there he goes, I guess. CJ wanted to bring his brother, but his brother is working at CVS. He also wanted to make sure that it's worth to use a personal day.
So I decided to try it out before getting them all involved. I talked to my sister, we decided to go together on Sunday afternoon. And instead of Woburn, we went to the one in Everett. It's bigger than the Woburn gym, My bother in law said. We need to sign the waiver to get in, I read a little and was surprised to see that even if the equipment failed, it's still not gym's fault! It sounds scary. But anyway, I was already there, gotta gathering the courage. We decided to do auto belay and boulder.
I got on the auto belay and got on to the top in my first try. But it was coming down that's scared me. At first I was trying to climbing down. I got tired. However, to let the auto belay get me down, I was really scared, I hate the sensation of falling. I was struggling while breaking with the auto belay. I landed facing out instead of facing the wall. Then I went to bouldering. This one does not need ropes, the height is shorter, but still you need a thick pad down below, so it can break your fall. I somehow felt less stress with it. So I did bouldering for a quite a while, then April and her husband came to look for me. Then we went to do some more auto belaying. However, this time, it's really hard for me. Because I could not climbing a single one successfully. My forearms were stiffed up, could not exert too much power when that happened! I tried another 3 auto belay courses, all failed. I can still so bouldering though.
After about 2 hours, we went to April's home to have hot pot.
It was fun! But I have doubts that George and CJ would enjoy it... Maybe CJ's bother would.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
her
it's horrible. i see her everywhere, on my window drapes, my walls, when i was at walmart today as well... you name it, i see her there. i wish to hug her, kiss her. but it's not a good match. and she would never say yes anyway. i know i am not ready in any aspect of my life, i hate myself for knowing. absolute hate myself. we are way too different. it's an obsession. love is to tolerate with kindness. i already saw her with somebody else. and me, just a bystander, one of those passing through her life.
i don't care. i saw her everywhere. i want to hug her, feel her weight on me, her smooth skin, with a laugh in her eyes, her scent in my nose. i will close my eyes. i want to own her, the same way she owns me too.
what if she said yes. i don't ask myself if she said no. for that's a silly question, similar to asking if i am going to die or not. what if she said yes, then what? where to go, what to say, do i even exist? it's not a joy, for the thoughts of her does not give me pleasure most of the time. it stings me with how incapable of my own image. i am no good. i judged myself to eternal sleep, where not even flame is raised, but nothingness, and forgetfulness.
in fire and ice, i crumbled. I love her, it's a possessive idea. i want her everything to myself. me, only. me only.
i see her everywhere. i want her.
i don't care. i saw her everywhere. i want to hug her, feel her weight on me, her smooth skin, with a laugh in her eyes, her scent in my nose. i will close my eyes. i want to own her, the same way she owns me too.
what if she said yes. i don't ask myself if she said no. for that's a silly question, similar to asking if i am going to die or not. what if she said yes, then what? where to go, what to say, do i even exist? it's not a joy, for the thoughts of her does not give me pleasure most of the time. it stings me with how incapable of my own image. i am no good. i judged myself to eternal sleep, where not even flame is raised, but nothingness, and forgetfulness.
in fire and ice, i crumbled. I love her, it's a possessive idea. i want her everything to myself. me, only. me only.
i see her everywhere. i want her.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
moving castle
i just saw howl's moving castle yesterday again. it is a very nice story. I wonder why I don't remember about it at all. This is my second viewing.
thoughts
昨天早上十點休息時, aaron 和 cj 到倉庫裡問我要否走路? 我說好. 後來, michelle 和 sofya 也來了. 我們就繞著公司的房子走了幾圈. 我想也只有aaron 才能叫 cj 出來走一走. 之前, 我叫過一次, 和 sofya 還有我一起走, 但是他沒答應. 這兩周我也和 aaron 和 cj 提到應該要在休息的時候做做運動.
有點妒羨之情. :D
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昨天回家的時候, 媽媽有點 upset. 這幾天氣真的是太好了, 他因為腳, 哪裡都不能去. 心情一定是低落的. 吃完飯後, 我就澆水, 剪點韭菜和蔥. 我希望我有無窮的故事講給他聽, 他不見得會喜歡, 但是至少是一個分散注意力的方法.
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昨天我把飲食男女借給 sofya, 他下午的時候到倉庫問我, 這電影是否有性的鏡頭? 我說有一點裸露的片段. 他說他兒子會東問西問的. 所以他要決定是否和他的娃一起看...
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vic 和我做了一整天的 inventory. 因為前幾天發現有兩個貨可能混了. 一個多了三百, 一個少三百. 於是, vic 發憤要把所有不合資料庫的數據通通抓出來改正. 可是一旦到了 C 的部分, 我們就懶了. 其實也是沒必要, 不然整個 whole chain 都要出問題, 從 logistic 到 accounting.
到了四點半, alex 到倉庫和我們開會, 因為有個客戶抱怨他們的貨物上有膠帶的痕跡. 他們要用酒精清半天. vic 抓住機會, 給 alex 我們作的 inventory. 我覺得很好玩, 因為以前聽舅舅說外國人會把自己做的事情和上司一件件的提. 我自從和 vic 同事, 發現真的是如此. 當然還是得看人, 我就懷疑 anne 會否如此. Alex 聽了後, 好像也很高興, 我們自發的做了這個公司的整批 inventory. 我想他可能覺得有點好玩, 但是也是很高興.
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有點妒羨之情. :D
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昨天回家的時候, 媽媽有點 upset. 這幾天氣真的是太好了, 他因為腳, 哪裡都不能去. 心情一定是低落的. 吃完飯後, 我就澆水, 剪點韭菜和蔥. 我希望我有無窮的故事講給他聽, 他不見得會喜歡, 但是至少是一個分散注意力的方法.
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昨天我把飲食男女借給 sofya, 他下午的時候到倉庫問我, 這電影是否有性的鏡頭? 我說有一點裸露的片段. 他說他兒子會東問西問的. 所以他要決定是否和他的娃一起看...
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vic 和我做了一整天的 inventory. 因為前幾天發現有兩個貨可能混了. 一個多了三百, 一個少三百. 於是, vic 發憤要把所有不合資料庫的數據通通抓出來改正. 可是一旦到了 C 的部分, 我們就懶了. 其實也是沒必要, 不然整個 whole chain 都要出問題, 從 logistic 到 accounting.
到了四點半, alex 到倉庫和我們開會, 因為有個客戶抱怨他們的貨物上有膠帶的痕跡. 他們要用酒精清半天. vic 抓住機會, 給 alex 我們作的 inventory. 我覺得很好玩, 因為以前聽舅舅說外國人會把自己做的事情和上司一件件的提. 我自從和 vic 同事, 發現真的是如此. 當然還是得看人, 我就懷疑 anne 會否如此. Alex 聽了後, 好像也很高興, 我們自發的做了這個公司的整批 inventory. 我想他可能覺得有點好玩, 但是也是很高興.
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Tuesday, September 15, 2015
some records
Mom fractured her left ankle on 8/24/2015 before 5:00 clock afternoon. I was at the library at the time. Our neighbor, Mark & Paula's daughter saw it and came over to help her up. I thought it was just a sprained ankle, but when my sister heard of it. She insisted on bring mom to the doctor. That was Tuesday. It was a fracture after mom went to Lowell's Gen's emergency unit twice.
Mom kept mentioning how it was a much better experience compared to the last time she fractured her knee cap. It was a much pleasant experience, I agree. But sadly, it seemed I did not have much recollection of it! This is truly weird! I can sum up something basic, like maintaining toilet seat... but I can't remember much else... I do not understand the reasoning behind.
It somehow reminded me a movie, where the protagonist was cruising life using a remote control. Maybe I was like that. Very sad.
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We had some weird inventory count discrepancy, some part number have more stock. We missed three weeks inventory count since 8/17/2015. CJ proposed it as a shipping error. Because there's another one very similar part number located right below, was missing exactly the same amount that was over. Vic was annoyed. I thought it could be a box misplacement induced shipping error. But a shipping error nonetheless.
I just remembered that when Vic was off on the week of 8/24/2015, I was picking his part, the p/n that was missing, was already missing 300 pcs. My record that week on that p/n was incomplete, for I thought I would come back and count, if I got time! Sadly, I did not.
The ATW part is the same thing. But CJ agreed to zeroed it out. We will see.
Mom kept mentioning how it was a much better experience compared to the last time she fractured her knee cap. It was a much pleasant experience, I agree. But sadly, it seemed I did not have much recollection of it! This is truly weird! I can sum up something basic, like maintaining toilet seat... but I can't remember much else... I do not understand the reasoning behind.
It somehow reminded me a movie, where the protagonist was cruising life using a remote control. Maybe I was like that. Very sad.
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We had some weird inventory count discrepancy, some part number have more stock. We missed three weeks inventory count since 8/17/2015. CJ proposed it as a shipping error. Because there's another one very similar part number located right below, was missing exactly the same amount that was over. Vic was annoyed. I thought it could be a box misplacement induced shipping error. But a shipping error nonetheless.
I just remembered that when Vic was off on the week of 8/24/2015, I was picking his part, the p/n that was missing, was already missing 300 pcs. My record that week on that p/n was incomplete, for I thought I would come back and count, if I got time! Sadly, I did not.
The ATW part is the same thing. But CJ agreed to zeroed it out. We will see.
Wednesday, September 09, 2015
回顧
我回顧了一下我的網誌. 超過半數是很爛的文章. 基本上詞不達意. 完全是沒有經過處理過得文字. 這本是我的初衷. 因為, 在現實生活裡, 我以為我和別人溝通上, 大多都是經過考慮後才出發的. 但是, 兩年多的工作上, 我發現, 事實並非如此.
沒錯, 事實並非如我所想. 我是緊盯著自己的一舉一動, 但是, 真正考慮後, 說出理想的話語卻很少. 絕少. 至少, 讓我自己覺得說完後, 感覺很滿意的很少. 說話後, 基本上都是感覺害怕, 後悔, 和希望以後別說了... 我和別人在溝通上似乎總是有障礙.
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昨天幾件事, 早餐, 媽媽要做飯, 看到櫥櫃裡一大堆的香料, 就埋怨我怎麼買大堆都不用. 我上樓刷牙去的時候, 還在跟自己說要當耳邊風, 下來, 他還在念. 我就不爽了. 又用了很重的口吻和言詞來表示自己的憤怒. 主要在說, 這有啥好一直念的, 你倒楣, 你的兒女都是這樣, 買了又不用的...
我就是不能了解. 為啥會這樣. 他一開始說的時候就不能逃避. 馬上要有反應. 不然無法化解. 馬上就應該說, 那現在你比較常做菜, 我來告訴你怎麼用, 或許你可以幫我用掉. 這是我臨出門時做的. 幫他把 annatto 磨成粉.
不久前, 有次和小瑋談話, 他說,每次我發完脾氣, 如果他來家裡, 媽媽就會在他面前哭. 我聽了是痛苦極了. 痛苦極了. 不知道要怎樣. 每次媽媽開始嘮叨某件事, 我都是避而不談. 但是, 這不是辦法. 不能躲避. 不能畏懼. 一害怕就要想辦法拐彎抹角.
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沒錯, 事實並非如我所想. 我是緊盯著自己的一舉一動, 但是, 真正考慮後, 說出理想的話語卻很少. 絕少. 至少, 讓我自己覺得說完後, 感覺很滿意的很少. 說話後, 基本上都是感覺害怕, 後悔, 和希望以後別說了... 我和別人在溝通上似乎總是有障礙.
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昨天幾件事, 早餐, 媽媽要做飯, 看到櫥櫃裡一大堆的香料, 就埋怨我怎麼買大堆都不用. 我上樓刷牙去的時候, 還在跟自己說要當耳邊風, 下來, 他還在念. 我就不爽了. 又用了很重的口吻和言詞來表示自己的憤怒. 主要在說, 這有啥好一直念的, 你倒楣, 你的兒女都是這樣, 買了又不用的...
我就是不能了解. 為啥會這樣. 他一開始說的時候就不能逃避. 馬上要有反應. 不然無法化解. 馬上就應該說, 那現在你比較常做菜, 我來告訴你怎麼用, 或許你可以幫我用掉. 這是我臨出門時做的. 幫他把 annatto 磨成粉.
不久前, 有次和小瑋談話, 他說,每次我發完脾氣, 如果他來家裡, 媽媽就會在他面前哭. 我聽了是痛苦極了. 痛苦極了. 不知道要怎樣. 每次媽媽開始嘮叨某件事, 我都是避而不談. 但是, 這不是辦法. 不能躲避. 不能畏懼. 一害怕就要想辦法拐彎抹角.
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Monday, September 07, 2015
random, i guess
I want to make an wedding card for michelle. I think that would be an interesting project. But my gosh, there are so many videos on youtube. They were all amazing. They all need a lot of props.
At first, I was only thinking of drawing on it. But by looking at this, I'd say that drawing would be hard. I am thinking cutting some papers and paste on each other would be easier. But I will need to find out.
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i am going for a jog. Just to see how's my condition in terms of ankle and waist. I know it's strengthened through 7 - 8 years of centergy. But can I sustain prolonged, repeated action? I know I need some cardio and strength training. We'll see.
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I have a rapid weight loss. I guess sleep less, and eat less has it's toll. But most importantly, where did my heart go? I know the answer but I can't tell anyone. Nobody want to listen to a problem, for which, I did not intend to solve it.
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I went to skyline trail in medford yesterday afternoon. I got lost in there. It was quite big, the sign was no as clear as I wished for. I was sort in a hurry, since my sister and her husband was coming to my house for dinner. I, of course, got out safe.
They brought chili, dumplings, we stir fried eggs and leek, ma po tofu. It was a pretty good meal.
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At first, I was only thinking of drawing on it. But by looking at this, I'd say that drawing would be hard. I am thinking cutting some papers and paste on each other would be easier. But I will need to find out.
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i am going for a jog. Just to see how's my condition in terms of ankle and waist. I know it's strengthened through 7 - 8 years of centergy. But can I sustain prolonged, repeated action? I know I need some cardio and strength training. We'll see.
------------------------------------------------
I have a rapid weight loss. I guess sleep less, and eat less has it's toll. But most importantly, where did my heart go? I know the answer but I can't tell anyone. Nobody want to listen to a problem, for which, I did not intend to solve it.
----------------------------------------------------
I went to skyline trail in medford yesterday afternoon. I got lost in there. It was quite big, the sign was no as clear as I wished for. I was sort in a hurry, since my sister and her husband was coming to my house for dinner. I, of course, got out safe.
They brought chili, dumplings, we stir fried eggs and leek, ma po tofu. It was a pretty good meal.
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a few movies
water diviner:
russell crowe's director debut. it's a pretty solid film. The story is about an Australian father trying to find his three sons after his wife drowned herself. He traveled to the unknown land of Turkey since his sons were reported killed on battlefield of WW1.
The story to me was nothing too special. What's interesting though was a little poke of Turkey's history, it's people, and it's art from the movie. I don't remember I've seen these from the other movies. Since the story was nothing too special, it's characters however, was interesting enough to connect with the audience. Interesting is a tad too light, I'd say that they were in their own way that likeable.
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chappie:
It's the third movie I saw from this director. He's holding on to his root tightly. I think it's a good things really.
The storyline wasn't too surprising really, until the end. I think the direction of the ending was innovative. Considering director's previous effort, I should not be too surprised at the ending, but I was. Just by looking at hj's face on the cover, I'd never guessed he's a bad guy here. But it's a good change, I guess. He did a decent job. The focus of the film was of course, Chappie. The growing curve of chappie did grasp my attention and sympathy, especially when he realized the mortality of his own life.
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russell crowe's director debut. it's a pretty solid film. The story is about an Australian father trying to find his three sons after his wife drowned herself. He traveled to the unknown land of Turkey since his sons were reported killed on battlefield of WW1.
The story to me was nothing too special. What's interesting though was a little poke of Turkey's history, it's people, and it's art from the movie. I don't remember I've seen these from the other movies. Since the story was nothing too special, it's characters however, was interesting enough to connect with the audience. Interesting is a tad too light, I'd say that they were in their own way that likeable.
-------------------------------
chappie:
It's the third movie I saw from this director. He's holding on to his root tightly. I think it's a good things really.
The storyline wasn't too surprising really, until the end. I think the direction of the ending was innovative. Considering director's previous effort, I should not be too surprised at the ending, but I was. Just by looking at hj's face on the cover, I'd never guessed he's a bad guy here. But it's a good change, I guess. He did a decent job. The focus of the film was of course, Chappie. The growing curve of chappie did grasp my attention and sympathy, especially when he realized the mortality of his own life.
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Sunday, August 16, 2015
Some thoughts
I watched redemption last night. It was pretty good. It in some way reminded me of gunman. They were both plot driven action movie. But gunman was a prettier movie, redemption felt more like a social issue movie. Gunman also reminded me of American sniper. But Action in american sniper was not the focus. Gunman was the opposite, at least to me. The reason I chose gunman to watch was simply because I was quite impressed with sean penn in the secret life of walter mitty. I passed redemption many times in library simply because I felt that jason statham was just being himself in most of movies. It's tiresome after a while. This movie held up because the plot. I said social issue at first because the featurette of the movie mentioned that 10% of homeless wanderers in london was ex soldiers. That is a surprising thing to me. And the movie describing such character with a story arch that slowly exploded was quite nice. Jason statham was not bad here.
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外公要給舅媽接風,因為他上個星期才從 DC 回來. 於是我和媽媽作陪客和舅舅, 舅媽, 外公去老四川吃飯. 去的路上, 媽媽不斷講話. 說到今天早上, 外公竟然和媽媽說, 老王的爸爸三年前帶著老王來到了美國, 又學英文, 又學中文, 又教老王詩詞, 所以老王現在可以寫寫詩詞, 都是她老爸教的. 但是, 老王就是懶惰, 所以英文現在一個字不識, 只會在後面種黃瓜. 媽媽說他聽了就禁不住大笑起起來. 因為老王的是自己夫妻倆自己來的. 而且, 老王都六十了, 他過世的老爸即使真的來了, 也已經九十左右了, 怎麼可能又學英文, 又學中文? 可是和他面對面的外公可就完全不能理解媽媽為啥笑了. 所以他很不滿意,他自己和老媽講正經話, 卻被笑成這樣實在太不像話了. 媽媽說他自己聽完後, 就趕快打電話給佩蘭阿姨. 現在又忍不住得要講再一遍. 舅舅說他早就聽過了. 媽媽聽了說, 那你怎麼沒有和我講過哩? 舅舅說, 我腦袋裡總不能老裝著這些東西啊.
去老四川, 叫菜後都是一大碗飯, 大家分著吃. 現在大家去吃的都有譜了, 口水魚, 獅子頭, 辣子雞, 白油燃麵, 夫妻肺片. 吃著, 吃著, 舅舅, 舅媽, 也就隨口問問我最近怎麼樣. 因為好像聽說, 我因肩傷已經一陣子沒去瑜珈, 然後三天前, 胃又出了大毛病. 我也問問毛這次回來的情況. 我也說上次去問毛, 如果我睡不著, 怎麼辦? 毛就說聽呼吸然後不要去控制呼吸, 應該可以幫助. 媽媽一直擔心外公吃不飽, 因為菜都是辣的. 後來, 獅子頭上來了, 媽媽才稍微鬆了口氣. 那一大碗飯也在這時快要吃完. 舅媽常常說的, 來老四川他似乎是來吃白飯的. 因為所有的菜都很下飯. 講完沒多久, 外公就和舅舅說, 我這一輩子沒看過, 出來吃飯大家猛吃白飯, 白飯都吃完了, 結果所有的菜都還剩的. 這樣看來, 真是太不好意思了. 今天我請客, 如果這些菜不喜歡, 就再叫一些其他的! 在他的催促下, 我們後來又點了個甜品.
回家的路上, 我印象最深的就是, 舅舅和舅媽解釋外公總是小小心心的看著大家的一舉一動. 看看每個人喜歡吃得甚麼菜. 把這些當作資料收到腦袋裡儲存在 data base 裡, 將來可以利用. 後來媽媽不知道說了甚麼, 舅媽說這些都是很令人難過的事情. 再後來, 媽媽不知道為甚麼大聲問舅舅, 咦, 掛在你後照鏡上的牌子是你去工作的停車場牌子嗎? 舅舅沒有回答, 舅媽一下子把那塊牌子拿下來放進手邊的小櫃子裡.
一旁的外公睡睡醒醒, 到家的時候, 本來舅舅還要和他去麥當勞喝咖啡. 但是外公看起來早忘了,一付睡眼惺忪的樣子. 也回家去了.
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I watched it follows last week. This movie has late 80's and early 90's vibe. The atmosphere was gradually building up. It's a pretty good film. The subject in the movie was very interesting. My interpretation of the theme was that it's about STD. But I guess it can also have many guesses. This and Babadook are the two horror films I saw lately. Both are very thoughtful. They both use a lot of metaphors to bring out the fear in people rather than just plain monsters and gore. I feel, at least for me, both movies has many aspects that needs to time to dig deeper.
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外公要給舅媽接風,因為他上個星期才從 DC 回來. 於是我和媽媽作陪客和舅舅, 舅媽, 外公去老四川吃飯. 去的路上, 媽媽不斷講話. 說到今天早上, 外公竟然和媽媽說, 老王的爸爸三年前帶著老王來到了美國, 又學英文, 又學中文, 又教老王詩詞, 所以老王現在可以寫寫詩詞, 都是她老爸教的. 但是, 老王就是懶惰, 所以英文現在一個字不識, 只會在後面種黃瓜. 媽媽說他聽了就禁不住大笑起起來. 因為老王的是自己夫妻倆自己來的. 而且, 老王都六十了, 他過世的老爸即使真的來了, 也已經九十左右了, 怎麼可能又學英文, 又學中文? 可是和他面對面的外公可就完全不能理解媽媽為啥笑了. 所以他很不滿意,他自己和老媽講正經話, 卻被笑成這樣實在太不像話了. 媽媽說他自己聽完後, 就趕快打電話給佩蘭阿姨. 現在又忍不住得要講再一遍. 舅舅說他早就聽過了. 媽媽聽了說, 那你怎麼沒有和我講過哩? 舅舅說, 我腦袋裡總不能老裝著這些東西啊.
去老四川, 叫菜後都是一大碗飯, 大家分著吃. 現在大家去吃的都有譜了, 口水魚, 獅子頭, 辣子雞, 白油燃麵, 夫妻肺片. 吃著, 吃著, 舅舅, 舅媽, 也就隨口問問我最近怎麼樣. 因為好像聽說, 我因肩傷已經一陣子沒去瑜珈, 然後三天前, 胃又出了大毛病. 我也問問毛這次回來的情況. 我也說上次去問毛, 如果我睡不著, 怎麼辦? 毛就說聽呼吸然後不要去控制呼吸, 應該可以幫助. 媽媽一直擔心外公吃不飽, 因為菜都是辣的. 後來, 獅子頭上來了, 媽媽才稍微鬆了口氣. 那一大碗飯也在這時快要吃完. 舅媽常常說的, 來老四川他似乎是來吃白飯的. 因為所有的菜都很下飯. 講完沒多久, 外公就和舅舅說, 我這一輩子沒看過, 出來吃飯大家猛吃白飯, 白飯都吃完了, 結果所有的菜都還剩的. 這樣看來, 真是太不好意思了. 今天我請客, 如果這些菜不喜歡, 就再叫一些其他的! 在他的催促下, 我們後來又點了個甜品.
回家的路上, 我印象最深的就是, 舅舅和舅媽解釋外公總是小小心心的看著大家的一舉一動. 看看每個人喜歡吃得甚麼菜. 把這些當作資料收到腦袋裡儲存在 data base 裡, 將來可以利用. 後來媽媽不知道說了甚麼, 舅媽說這些都是很令人難過的事情. 再後來, 媽媽不知道為甚麼大聲問舅舅, 咦, 掛在你後照鏡上的牌子是你去工作的停車場牌子嗎? 舅舅沒有回答, 舅媽一下子把那塊牌子拿下來放進手邊的小櫃子裡.
一旁的外公睡睡醒醒, 到家的時候, 本來舅舅還要和他去麥當勞喝咖啡. 但是外公看起來早忘了,一付睡眼惺忪的樣子. 也回家去了.
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I watched it follows last week. This movie has late 80's and early 90's vibe. The atmosphere was gradually building up. It's a pretty good film. The subject in the movie was very interesting. My interpretation of the theme was that it's about STD. But I guess it can also have many guesses. This and Babadook are the two horror films I saw lately. Both are very thoughtful. They both use a lot of metaphors to bring out the fear in people rather than just plain monsters and gore. I feel, at least for me, both movies has many aspects that needs to time to dig deeper.
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Saturday, August 08, 2015
a toast
CJ brought me a toast with 奶酥 (buttercream icing) on it on last Friday afternoon. I was Giddy. Guess my love for food was well known. But the fact that she'd give me one, it was thrilling. Vic must think of me as hopeless and gutless. I can't help it.
CJ talked to me 2 mornings ago, about buttercream icing. She could not find such thing in USA, not even a name for it. So they tried to make it themselves. I went home and did some research, after some futile effort, I typed just the ingredients: beaten butter, dry milk, sugar. Buttercream Icing was what came out. The difference lies that there's no recipe used dry milk, they just used milk.
Anyway, I am still giddy. :D
CJ talked to me 2 mornings ago, about buttercream icing. She could not find such thing in USA, not even a name for it. So they tried to make it themselves. I went home and did some research, after some futile effort, I typed just the ingredients: beaten butter, dry milk, sugar. Buttercream Icing was what came out. The difference lies that there's no recipe used dry milk, they just used milk.
Anyway, I am still giddy. :D
quotes from movie
from movie: Stories We Tell
When you're in the middle of a story, it isn't a story at all but rather a confusion, a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids, and all aboard are powerless to stop it. It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all, when you're telling it to yourself or someone else.
Margaret Atwood
(Alias Grace)
------
(Narrator to his daughter)
And in some ways,that's why
This whole questions of ...
"Was I your father, or, wasn't I?"
It becomes very sort of an unimportant part of the past,
for me, anyway,
I think it's much more important for you.
For me, it's just one of those things happened along with life.
So, don't feel sorry for me, If you have pity, it should be for Harry,
who loved and lost Diane and then missed out on the childhood of Sarah that he produced.
Had that been my lot, I would have been mortified when I read that DNA result.
I've been a very lucky man, and, of course, for one of my luckiest moments,
I have to thank Harry Gulkin for loving Diane.
Sarah's only what she is because of that night of love between Diane and Harry.
Had I been her biological father, she would have been entirely different.
She might have been better or worse, but she would definitely not have been the Sarah she is today.
And that's the one I love.Of the other possible outcome, there's nothing.
You may decide you want to keep this letter to yourself, or to share it.
It's yours, and yours the choice.
You know, look...while telling me your news on Thursday, you twice hugged me as hard as you ever did in your childhood.
That alone made you revelation worth a thousand words.
So, there you have it.
All I know of what happened or what has been reported to me has been told.
I think I wrote this story because it really says so many interesting things about the human condition.
But maybe there was another reason.
Perhaps, deep inside,
I have suffered more of a shock than I would have openly admit.
I sometimes stop and realize that something inside, has for the rest of my life changed.
A certain cord that runs between Sarah and me has been severed, and I am powerless to join it together. It's not a real thing. It only exists because we have developed this facet called imagination, and that is all too real and tangible. It gives pain. It's brief, and soon I am back again at the keyboard, reliving the past 40 years. But I suppose it will always be lurking to catch me unawares. So perhaps this story is a form of denial.
How ironic it is that the final revelation and its aftermath have brought Sarah and I closer together and resulted in me writing volumes, as Diane always wanted me to. It has given me a new lease on life.
/
/
/
I will go on
I will go on.
----------------
The movie used one line from a poem. I found the poem online. Here it is, the red letters are the verse they used in the movie.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines
bu Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
When you're in the middle of a story, it isn't a story at all but rather a confusion, a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids, and all aboard are powerless to stop it. It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all, when you're telling it to yourself or someone else.
Margaret Atwood
(Alias Grace)
------
(Narrator to his daughter)
And in some ways,that's why
This whole questions of ...
"Was I your father, or, wasn't I?"
It becomes very sort of an unimportant part of the past,
for me, anyway,
I think it's much more important for you.
For me, it's just one of those things happened along with life.
So, don't feel sorry for me, If you have pity, it should be for Harry,
who loved and lost Diane and then missed out on the childhood of Sarah that he produced.
Had that been my lot, I would have been mortified when I read that DNA result.
I've been a very lucky man, and, of course, for one of my luckiest moments,
I have to thank Harry Gulkin for loving Diane.
Sarah's only what she is because of that night of love between Diane and Harry.
Had I been her biological father, she would have been entirely different.
She might have been better or worse, but she would definitely not have been the Sarah she is today.
And that's the one I love.Of the other possible outcome, there's nothing.
You may decide you want to keep this letter to yourself, or to share it.
It's yours, and yours the choice.
You know, look...while telling me your news on Thursday, you twice hugged me as hard as you ever did in your childhood.
That alone made you revelation worth a thousand words.
So, there you have it.
All I know of what happened or what has been reported to me has been told.
I think I wrote this story because it really says so many interesting things about the human condition.
But maybe there was another reason.
Perhaps, deep inside,
I have suffered more of a shock than I would have openly admit.
I sometimes stop and realize that something inside, has for the rest of my life changed.
A certain cord that runs between Sarah and me has been severed, and I am powerless to join it together. It's not a real thing. It only exists because we have developed this facet called imagination, and that is all too real and tangible. It gives pain. It's brief, and soon I am back again at the keyboard, reliving the past 40 years. But I suppose it will always be lurking to catch me unawares. So perhaps this story is a form of denial.
How ironic it is that the final revelation and its aftermath have brought Sarah and I closer together and resulted in me writing volumes, as Diane always wanted me to. It has given me a new lease on life.
/
/
/
I will go on
I will go on.
----------------
The movie used one line from a poem. I found the poem online. Here it is, the red letters are the verse they used in the movie.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines
bu Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Thoughts that past away
My sister just came back from a week of intense training of pioneer work for Jehovah Witness. She had to go to New York city right away, for her father in law was sick again with caner tumor. I called on Tuesday to see how she's doing. She sounded tired but remain calm and together. Later that week, my mom got call from her after she's back from NYC. We learned that her sister in law was really in a lot of stress, dealing with doctors, see her parent's deteriorating... PQ could not really deal with the situation, it seemed he could understand what doctor was talking about, at least that's what my mom told me. I still highly doubted though... My sister tried hard to cheer up everyone. Mom just hope that it won't be my sister's term to deal with doctor and all that... Me either.
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It is true that I have problem sleeping for a long time. As early as I could remember starting the end of last year. I could hardly explain the situation. I know I had a hard time to imagining things when I go to sleep. But worse, that I am obsessed with a girl at the work place. A girl , I cannot get, a girl who is 10 years younger, highly intelligent. I also have huge conflicts when I tried to imagine a story. It seemed that I want to replace Nono. But at the same time I resist every step to use that girl at work place. I never really be able to control it though. I usually woke up at 3 in the morning, either by cat, or just naturally. My gosh, I so wish to hold her clothes to my body, kiss her, touch her, and get the same passion from her. But in reality, I kept my mind clear about one thing. I shall never do anything. In my present situation, it's no good. But how insanely jealous just to see her talking and interacting with another guy!
Dan called, two days ago. He said he's coming in November. He kept talking about how great to have a kid. I talked to him about the jealousy. He said it happened to everyone, however, once the relationship is secure, the feeling fades. The problem for me is that I cannot establish such relationship.
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My mom brought grandpa to dine in senior center yesterday. It was kind disastrous. He complained about everything. He kept saying the food was no good, the parm eggplant with pasta, which he had many times before. So later, my mom brought him to MacDonald for a fish sandwich, which he enjoyed. But after the sandwich, he started saying that senior center owed him a cup of coffee. As a habit, my mom brought him to market basket to buy something for uncle's family, since they were absent. We got ice cream too.
My mom could not sleep at all last night.
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I love her. So let's just keep the distance. Treat her well, wherever and whenever I can.
-------------------------------------------------
It is true that I have problem sleeping for a long time. As early as I could remember starting the end of last year. I could hardly explain the situation. I know I had a hard time to imagining things when I go to sleep. But worse, that I am obsessed with a girl at the work place. A girl , I cannot get, a girl who is 10 years younger, highly intelligent. I also have huge conflicts when I tried to imagine a story. It seemed that I want to replace Nono. But at the same time I resist every step to use that girl at work place. I never really be able to control it though. I usually woke up at 3 in the morning, either by cat, or just naturally. My gosh, I so wish to hold her clothes to my body, kiss her, touch her, and get the same passion from her. But in reality, I kept my mind clear about one thing. I shall never do anything. In my present situation, it's no good. But how insanely jealous just to see her talking and interacting with another guy!
Dan called, two days ago. He said he's coming in November. He kept talking about how great to have a kid. I talked to him about the jealousy. He said it happened to everyone, however, once the relationship is secure, the feeling fades. The problem for me is that I cannot establish such relationship.
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My mom brought grandpa to dine in senior center yesterday. It was kind disastrous. He complained about everything. He kept saying the food was no good, the parm eggplant with pasta, which he had many times before. So later, my mom brought him to MacDonald for a fish sandwich, which he enjoyed. But after the sandwich, he started saying that senior center owed him a cup of coffee. As a habit, my mom brought him to market basket to buy something for uncle's family, since they were absent. We got ice cream too.
My mom could not sleep at all last night.
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I love her. So let's just keep the distance. Treat her well, wherever and whenever I can.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
whatever flows to the surface
a few days ago, Michelle came in warehouse and chatted with vic and me. Whenever she talked to me, it's usually about me should get a girl friend. One of the remark she made kept me thinking. For she asked me if I had sister, I said yeah, and she's married. She then wondered if she had kid. No, I added, she doesn't want kid. The reaction from Michelle was surprising, she said, "what did your parents do to you guys, that your sister doesn't want kid, and you don't want to even get a girlfriend."
A very sad remark. indeed. I don't know, for my sister, she cannot stop lamenting her childhood. Me, I am just a coward.
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I watched a movie today, called housebound. It came from New Zealand. It was a very good movie. It was a horror movie infused with humour. I thought it was a very complete movie. I mean there're light hearted moment, scary moment, and also talk about relationship with family.
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we went to malden and dined at an Ethiopian restaurant. its presentation is very interesting. we had four people, my mom, PQ, April, and I. We ordered 3 meals. But when the waitress brought the food, she brought a huge round pan, around 21 inches in diameter, a huge Ethiopian bread on the bottom, and our three meals, just dumped on the bread, decorated with some salad. The ethiopian bread looked a bit purple, and sponge like. It tasted sour, I thought a bit like sour dough, but April said sour dough has more a wine fragrance. Ethiopian bread was just sour... :p We just used those bread as a wrap and put those lambs, beef, and salad on the them. It was quite an experience.
Their bathroom was stinky though. Reminds me of Chinese restaurant... lol
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some quotes from being a wallflower
A very sad remark. indeed. I don't know, for my sister, she cannot stop lamenting her childhood. Me, I am just a coward.
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I watched a movie today, called housebound. It came from New Zealand. It was a very good movie. It was a horror movie infused with humour. I thought it was a very complete movie. I mean there're light hearted moment, scary moment, and also talk about relationship with family.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
we went to malden and dined at an Ethiopian restaurant. its presentation is very interesting. we had four people, my mom, PQ, April, and I. We ordered 3 meals. But when the waitress brought the food, she brought a huge round pan, around 21 inches in diameter, a huge Ethiopian bread on the bottom, and our three meals, just dumped on the bread, decorated with some salad. The ethiopian bread looked a bit purple, and sponge like. It tasted sour, I thought a bit like sour dough, but April said sour dough has more a wine fragrance. Ethiopian bread was just sour... :p We just used those bread as a wrap and put those lambs, beef, and salad on the them. It was quite an experience.
Their bathroom was stinky though. Reminds me of Chinese restaurant... lol
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
some quotes from being a wallflower
Charlie:
Mr. Anderson? Can I ask you something?
Bill: Yeah.
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
[Charlie nods]
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-
Bill: Yeah.
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
[Charlie nods]
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-
Charlie:
There is so much pain. And I-I-I don't know how to not notice it.
Dr. Burton: What's hurting you?
Charlie: No, not... not me. It's them! It's... it's everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Burton: What's hurting you?
Charlie: No, not... not me. It's them! It's... it's everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Random blabbering(with thoughts on movie)
I was mowing the lawn yesterday. The neighbor's dogs were barking at me. But it was a different kind of bark. They were more ferocious. I guess it was because our last encounter. It was really sad. Hope time will soften the ferocity. Need to find out about how to stop the bark too...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exodus: Gods and Kings
Before I watched the movie, I went and watched ten commandments first. Huyin Ahyi said she even went back to read exodus in the bible. lol
The movie was ok. I never really like political part of Ridleyscott's movie, beginning with the gladiator, and with Exodus as well. For in the movie, Moeses did something that makes me feel like an 20th century person would've done. It almost felt like another Lawrence of Arabia.
But there are surprises in the movie. There is "Philadelphia" in the movie. I was expecting bitter rivalry from the start, but instead, I found love between two brothers. It was such a contrast in the original movie. I'd think the portrayed Rameses was a factor in it. Every arts emits a feeling to its audience. I could feel such a strong philadelphia towards the end of the movie, especially when Rameses ran towards Moeses even when the sea was right upon him. I know, it is weird by calling someone who's trying to kill the other person and feel the love between the two. But that's how I felt...
The contrast between the movies is mostly focused on Moeses. At the end of the movie, I could feel how incredible Moeses was in the Ten Commandments. But that's not how I felt for this movie. Somehow Moeses was shrinked to something else. The dramatic meeting between Pharaoh and Moses was reduced to an alleyway, knife wielding, assassin attempted-like scenario. I don't know, the movie made Mosese less relevant . But movie does make one think more clear than the ten commandments, the feeling of Moses towards Egyptians, during the plaques.
The effect of cgi was of course pretty good. the battlefield sequence was spectacular also. I mean, it's Ridleyscott's movie after all.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exodus: Gods and Kings
Before I watched the movie, I went and watched ten commandments first. Huyin Ahyi said she even went back to read exodus in the bible. lol
The movie was ok. I never really like political part of Ridleyscott's movie, beginning with the gladiator, and with Exodus as well. For in the movie, Moeses did something that makes me feel like an 20th century person would've done. It almost felt like another Lawrence of Arabia.
But there are surprises in the movie. There is "Philadelphia" in the movie. I was expecting bitter rivalry from the start, but instead, I found love between two brothers. It was such a contrast in the original movie. I'd think the portrayed Rameses was a factor in it. Every arts emits a feeling to its audience. I could feel such a strong philadelphia towards the end of the movie, especially when Rameses ran towards Moeses even when the sea was right upon him. I know, it is weird by calling someone who's trying to kill the other person and feel the love between the two. But that's how I felt...
The contrast between the movies is mostly focused on Moeses. At the end of the movie, I could feel how incredible Moeses was in the Ten Commandments. But that's not how I felt for this movie. Somehow Moeses was shrinked to something else. The dramatic meeting between Pharaoh and Moses was reduced to an alleyway, knife wielding, assassin attempted-like scenario. I don't know, the movie made Mosese less relevant . But movie does make one think more clear than the ten commandments, the feeling of Moses towards Egyptians, during the plaques.
The effect of cgi was of course pretty good. the battlefield sequence was spectacular also. I mean, it's Ridleyscott's movie after all.
Sunday, June 07, 2015
I"ve been thinking
I've been thinking. I don't want to do my current warehouse job for long time. It is necessary to decide where I want to go next. I do not want to do nothing again. The first criteria to this decision to me is do I dare to choose to do what I want to do, or choose to do what I think I can do?
What I can do is little. What I want to do is, as I imagine, not within my reach. The difference between utter reality and utter fantasy? To pursue what I want to do, I will need to go back to school. To choose what I can do, well, I can just stay put.
--------------------------------
I was yelling at my mom yesterday. I yelled: "I hate you, I hate your, you do not care for me!" My mom, upon hearing this, was of course, furious. From that experience, I know, I am still that kid from 1994. I still constantly need my mother's approval, encourage to do what is necessary. I cannot feel grown up.
I felt neglected. But what about my mother? I'd like to say that a kid cannot never provide what a parent could give to his or her kid. I felt I know my mother very well. I know how neglected she felt. But I also know that she does not need her father's approval or live nearby to spur her on her own life. She has that energy ingrained in her. However, I am sacking it. The guilt I felt.
The whole scenario started with planting some seedlings a sister gave to her. Then, she cannot stop blabbering about how wonderful Mr. Wang's seedlings was growing. I said let's go to uncle's house and see. Yes, they grew wonderfully, unlike ours. I do not know why mine is not growing at all this year. This frustrate me to no end. The way my mother stressed how important to grow this things started to bug me. I said I do not want to grow them anymore this year after we came back from uncle's house. That really irritated her. In return, I got madder and madder. Then all hell broke loose. I was yelling, throwing stuff around, use the digging tool to scare neighbor's dogs, even shoveled my mother. IT was and is really taxing on both party every time. I eventually planted everything. While I was doing the potting, I talked to her about my frustration. The conversation seemed to calm the event a bit. But it did not. After I went to bed at 10 pm last night, she came out of bed to watch her JW program on roku.
My frustration was a talk with her about a girl, named CJ at office place a few days ago. I felt my mother's answer did not satisfy me. All the talk about the planting and how wonderful other people is growing stuff today, really doesn't help me either. I already felt a failure inside, I just felt I cannot compare to other wonderful people out there. All these months waking up at 3 am, and could not get back to sleep, my mind just running with longing for a intimate relationship was haunting, and still is. But of course, I did not give her an impression of urgency a few days ago. When there is a problem, I tried to diminishing the problem with carefully selected words and phrases. Trying to avoid confrontation, conflicts, or other similar sorts of things. I hate coward, and I am one.
Today, nobody is spared, my mom is in terrible shape. And so do I. I have to find a way to express in proportion to what I feel, in a timely manner!
The problem with girls, cannot be solved. Since I don't dare to have a girlfriend. My mother kept suggesting to find a focus in life, trying to divert myself. I've been trying to do that. I cannot. I don't have energy to follow through anything...
My mother is really upset about me saying she doesn't really care about my emotional need. I watched a lot of frasier, I felt frasier and his father has the same conversation. frasier felt the need to talk more, but not his father. I really need to learn how to speak up my mind in a timely manner and elegantly....
------------------------------------------
What I can do is little. What I want to do is, as I imagine, not within my reach. The difference between utter reality and utter fantasy? To pursue what I want to do, I will need to go back to school. To choose what I can do, well, I can just stay put.
--------------------------------
I was yelling at my mom yesterday. I yelled: "I hate you, I hate your, you do not care for me!" My mom, upon hearing this, was of course, furious. From that experience, I know, I am still that kid from 1994. I still constantly need my mother's approval, encourage to do what is necessary. I cannot feel grown up.
I felt neglected. But what about my mother? I'd like to say that a kid cannot never provide what a parent could give to his or her kid. I felt I know my mother very well. I know how neglected she felt. But I also know that she does not need her father's approval or live nearby to spur her on her own life. She has that energy ingrained in her. However, I am sacking it. The guilt I felt.
The whole scenario started with planting some seedlings a sister gave to her. Then, she cannot stop blabbering about how wonderful Mr. Wang's seedlings was growing. I said let's go to uncle's house and see. Yes, they grew wonderfully, unlike ours. I do not know why mine is not growing at all this year. This frustrate me to no end. The way my mother stressed how important to grow this things started to bug me. I said I do not want to grow them anymore this year after we came back from uncle's house. That really irritated her. In return, I got madder and madder. Then all hell broke loose. I was yelling, throwing stuff around, use the digging tool to scare neighbor's dogs, even shoveled my mother. IT was and is really taxing on both party every time. I eventually planted everything. While I was doing the potting, I talked to her about my frustration. The conversation seemed to calm the event a bit. But it did not. After I went to bed at 10 pm last night, she came out of bed to watch her JW program on roku.
My frustration was a talk with her about a girl, named CJ at office place a few days ago. I felt my mother's answer did not satisfy me. All the talk about the planting and how wonderful other people is growing stuff today, really doesn't help me either. I already felt a failure inside, I just felt I cannot compare to other wonderful people out there. All these months waking up at 3 am, and could not get back to sleep, my mind just running with longing for a intimate relationship was haunting, and still is. But of course, I did not give her an impression of urgency a few days ago. When there is a problem, I tried to diminishing the problem with carefully selected words and phrases. Trying to avoid confrontation, conflicts, or other similar sorts of things. I hate coward, and I am one.
Today, nobody is spared, my mom is in terrible shape. And so do I. I have to find a way to express in proportion to what I feel, in a timely manner!
The problem with girls, cannot be solved. Since I don't dare to have a girlfriend. My mother kept suggesting to find a focus in life, trying to divert myself. I've been trying to do that. I cannot. I don't have energy to follow through anything...
My mother is really upset about me saying she doesn't really care about my emotional need. I watched a lot of frasier, I felt frasier and his father has the same conversation. frasier felt the need to talk more, but not his father. I really need to learn how to speak up my mind in a timely manner and elegantly....
------------------------------------------
Sunday, May 31, 2015
thoughts flowing around
I've sitting here since coming back from uncle's house. I went to his house because grandpa called us twice to look for mom. When I got to his house, I was kind surprised that uncle and aunt were both absent. I waited mom's arrival with grandpa.
I've sitting here for 3 hours now since then.
-----------------------------------
I was writing the above paragraph, my mom came back, then, I went to my uncle's house with her for something. At that time, I was feeling extremely anxious. I guess it came from surfing the internet fro 2 and half hours without doing any thing. I had a a goal before I started surfing. I listened to some rush albums because I want to learn to sing one of a rock'n roll songs. Vic and Pei Quan both recommended them to me in separate occasions. So I was listening and surfing at the same time. By surfing, I meant I was trying to find something I can buy from amazon or ebay. I don't know why that's important, but I felt it was important. I've been wanting to buy yoga mat for sometimes now. But every time I went online to look for them, I came back empty handed. It's been like this for a long time now. I could only buy stuff for my mom, it just seemed that I could not decide what to buy. Or, I always wonder if that's a good decision at all. I was always pretty certain that the things I want to to buy was either unnecessary, or priced too much. I need a better deal! I do not want to be silly, I want to show people I know how to buy things I want with a good price as well. From that point on, I stopped buying anything significant. The only things I could spend my money on was either fast food, or cat toys.
What stopped me to do research? I did some research. But I always wonder if there's a better deal... It is really that boy trying to find the best seashell by the beach...
I did buy a compact scope a few months ago. It was such a disappointment. It's hard to adjust the focus, and it's not that clear. But most terrible of all was that it's very fragile, for only a few days carried that thing around in my bag, it's broken already...
I just learned a phrase that if you could have a few choices but could not decide, then choose the one that you could reverse your decision if needed to afterwards. By not buying, I comfort myself that I was doing exactly that. However, it is extremely dissatisfying with myself!
----------------------------------
I always woke up in the mid night when baobao started meowing. it's almost always at 3. I used to be able to drift back into sleep. But I could not lately. I could not, because I kept thinking about girls in the office. I would struggle between having a lustrous relationship with them, or puppy love. Lustrous relationship almost always has the upper hand at the end. And that is it for me to sleep. That could go on for 6 nights a week.
I used to ogling pretty girls when I was in high school. I tried very hard to refrain from that for a long time. The restrain seemed to help some. But my imagination would go crazy half of the time. The female I turned my eyes away would be 10 times prettier sometimes. I really don't know what to do. I am horrendously lonely. I spent half of my day trying hard not to think of them. The other half of the time just out of focus, or the outside objective world would give me something to replace my mind which is usually work for now.
I know my mom knows what I am feeling. She's not a prude. But I just somehow could not step outside of my head. I have nothing to offer to the girl I wish to engage with. I can't talk, I have no talent, and I can't make a decision without making a fuss, and even after that the decision would come out wrong most of the time. Plus, I make no efforts to make things better, from inside out.
I felt sometimes that I have all the bad quality from my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa. But alas, they are all far superior than me. It's a insult to compare them to I.
I am just currently telling myself, that everybody is going to leave anyway. Those girls in office, well, they too are leaving soon. They will find a good future ahead, just like Nono did . And I will still be here, trying to carve another block of wood, saying I hate coward, I hate stupidity, I hate myself.
---------------------------------
I watched Mr. Turner two days ago. It was too long. I felt it's a montage without a focus, that means, the movie presented a person without really described that person. It was a movie without opinion. It maybe a good way to make movie sometimes. But with the length of the movie, and the huge amount of information, I felt it's disarrayed. The acting was pretty good, I guess, for no matter how good the acting was, I felt the movie need to have an opinion about Mr. Turner!
---------------------------------
I saw sudden impact, a fourth installment of dirty harry series. It was decent, but I don't think it's excellent. The plot was interesting enough. The acting was pretty good. I don't know why it's not excellent. But it's just not... :p
--------------------------------------
I've sitting here for 3 hours now since then.
-----------------------------------
I was writing the above paragraph, my mom came back, then, I went to my uncle's house with her for something. At that time, I was feeling extremely anxious. I guess it came from surfing the internet fro 2 and half hours without doing any thing. I had a a goal before I started surfing. I listened to some rush albums because I want to learn to sing one of a rock'n roll songs. Vic and Pei Quan both recommended them to me in separate occasions. So I was listening and surfing at the same time. By surfing, I meant I was trying to find something I can buy from amazon or ebay. I don't know why that's important, but I felt it was important. I've been wanting to buy yoga mat for sometimes now. But every time I went online to look for them, I came back empty handed. It's been like this for a long time now. I could only buy stuff for my mom, it just seemed that I could not decide what to buy. Or, I always wonder if that's a good decision at all. I was always pretty certain that the things I want to to buy was either unnecessary, or priced too much. I need a better deal! I do not want to be silly, I want to show people I know how to buy things I want with a good price as well. From that point on, I stopped buying anything significant. The only things I could spend my money on was either fast food, or cat toys.
What stopped me to do research? I did some research. But I always wonder if there's a better deal... It is really that boy trying to find the best seashell by the beach...
I did buy a compact scope a few months ago. It was such a disappointment. It's hard to adjust the focus, and it's not that clear. But most terrible of all was that it's very fragile, for only a few days carried that thing around in my bag, it's broken already...
I just learned a phrase that if you could have a few choices but could not decide, then choose the one that you could reverse your decision if needed to afterwards. By not buying, I comfort myself that I was doing exactly that. However, it is extremely dissatisfying with myself!
----------------------------------
I always woke up in the mid night when baobao started meowing. it's almost always at 3. I used to be able to drift back into sleep. But I could not lately. I could not, because I kept thinking about girls in the office. I would struggle between having a lustrous relationship with them, or puppy love. Lustrous relationship almost always has the upper hand at the end. And that is it for me to sleep. That could go on for 6 nights a week.
I used to ogling pretty girls when I was in high school. I tried very hard to refrain from that for a long time. The restrain seemed to help some. But my imagination would go crazy half of the time. The female I turned my eyes away would be 10 times prettier sometimes. I really don't know what to do. I am horrendously lonely. I spent half of my day trying hard not to think of them. The other half of the time just out of focus, or the outside objective world would give me something to replace my mind which is usually work for now.
I know my mom knows what I am feeling. She's not a prude. But I just somehow could not step outside of my head. I have nothing to offer to the girl I wish to engage with. I can't talk, I have no talent, and I can't make a decision without making a fuss, and even after that the decision would come out wrong most of the time. Plus, I make no efforts to make things better, from inside out.
I felt sometimes that I have all the bad quality from my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa. But alas, they are all far superior than me. It's a insult to compare them to I.
I am just currently telling myself, that everybody is going to leave anyway. Those girls in office, well, they too are leaving soon. They will find a good future ahead, just like Nono did . And I will still be here, trying to carve another block of wood, saying I hate coward, I hate stupidity, I hate myself.
---------------------------------
I watched Mr. Turner two days ago. It was too long. I felt it's a montage without a focus, that means, the movie presented a person without really described that person. It was a movie without opinion. It maybe a good way to make movie sometimes. But with the length of the movie, and the huge amount of information, I felt it's disarrayed. The acting was pretty good, I guess, for no matter how good the acting was, I felt the movie need to have an opinion about Mr. Turner!
---------------------------------
I saw sudden impact, a fourth installment of dirty harry series. It was decent, but I don't think it's excellent. The plot was interesting enough. The acting was pretty good. I don't know why it's not excellent. But it's just not... :p
--------------------------------------
Sunday, May 24, 2015
電影感想
The perk of being a wallflower:
This was an interesting movie. I think it was finely crafted, in terms of character development. The plot line was multilayer-ed, with good twists. There was this real mystery behind the main protagonist. The characters surrounding the protagonist are colored personality as well. Each of them has a real space to grow in the story.
As a wallflower goes, I learned the definition well from this movie. I almost find the movie a bore although it was well crafted. They used some typical conflicts in modern teen dramas. It's lucky that supporting cast was good role player for their own roles. The protagonist was those kind people I don't particularly like. Quietly observant, polite, but knowledgeable. He was at the same time, quite mature for his age but permeates a sadness. Not really fearful of others. A writer himself. He liked a senior in high school, but they were never together.
I felt I am like the protagonist in some ways. I don't like myself, therefore, I don't like the protagonist too much. But the movie was quite alright.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calvary:
This was a gamble. I have no idea what the movie was about. But it paned out alright. I love the photography in the movie. It was some of the prettiest thing I've seen. The scenery, the composition in some frame was simple, but elegant. The color too.
I took the picture, because of the main actor. My first memory of him was in the kingdom of heaven, he played a bad guy there, and made a real impression on me. Here's the same as well. A very competent actor in a very difficult role, which really shined.
But I have to give the credit to the director. In the end, the movie was crafted with patient. The ending was shocking, but it took the whole movie to culminate to that point to give the audience the impact.
I read some reviews claiming to the atheists, encouraging people to watch the movie, saying it is something greater than just a story about a priest . I found that weird. :p
One of the most important quote I remembered from this movie, was when the priest was confronted with the question of why he would cry for his dog, but when upon hearing the molest of many young boys by the other priests, he did not shed a tear. His answer was blunt and honest, he felt a sense of detachment after hearing the molest of young boys by the other priests. I could not really understand about when this conversation struck me, but I know it's the key to this whole movie. While searching for the quote, I read someone compared the priest's detachment to the public's detachment in general. By killing the priest, it's also a allegation towards the general public's detachment. I think maybe that was the reason I thought the conversation meant. But I might find something other things in the future...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
催眠大師
滿不錯的一部電影. 我覺得在節奏的拿捏上非常棒. 在這點上製造了緊張. 對於那位神秘女人的動機, 和他的秘密, 也使的觀眾不斷揣測, 提高了觀眾懸疑的興趣. 另外兩位主角的互動很具張力.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
一個人的武林
有王寶強, 我覺得在演戲上似乎給我一點保證. 所以我滿期待的. 電影沒有讓我失望. 以警察探案為經, 把一個舊式的武林爭霸的故事給帶出來, 這是一個令我驚豔的結構. 其中警案的劇情引起整部影片的多處轉折, 實在是令人猜測不斷. 王寶強的演戲能力也沒讓我失望. 他能不能打對我來說不是很重要, 可是, 在故事裡, 他實際上扮演的是甄子丹 的 hyde. 而這個 hyde 非常盡責, 把主角最強的 Ego 給叫出來後, 真正把主角從自己的強烈欲望裡掙脫出來. 甄子丹的表現一般沒有太大的波瀾起伏, 但是在這裡卻很適合他的角色.
這實在是一部很好的電影.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was an interesting movie. I think it was finely crafted, in terms of character development. The plot line was multilayer-ed, with good twists. There was this real mystery behind the main protagonist. The characters surrounding the protagonist are colored personality as well. Each of them has a real space to grow in the story.
As a wallflower goes, I learned the definition well from this movie. I almost find the movie a bore although it was well crafted. They used some typical conflicts in modern teen dramas. It's lucky that supporting cast was good role player for their own roles. The protagonist was those kind people I don't particularly like. Quietly observant, polite, but knowledgeable. He was at the same time, quite mature for his age but permeates a sadness. Not really fearful of others. A writer himself. He liked a senior in high school, but they were never together.
I felt I am like the protagonist in some ways. I don't like myself, therefore, I don't like the protagonist too much. But the movie was quite alright.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calvary:
This was a gamble. I have no idea what the movie was about. But it paned out alright. I love the photography in the movie. It was some of the prettiest thing I've seen. The scenery, the composition in some frame was simple, but elegant. The color too.
I took the picture, because of the main actor. My first memory of him was in the kingdom of heaven, he played a bad guy there, and made a real impression on me. Here's the same as well. A very competent actor in a very difficult role, which really shined.
But I have to give the credit to the director. In the end, the movie was crafted with patient. The ending was shocking, but it took the whole movie to culminate to that point to give the audience the impact.
I read some reviews claiming to the atheists, encouraging people to watch the movie, saying it is something greater than just a story about a priest . I found that weird. :p
One of the most important quote I remembered from this movie, was when the priest was confronted with the question of why he would cry for his dog, but when upon hearing the molest of many young boys by the other priests, he did not shed a tear. His answer was blunt and honest, he felt a sense of detachment after hearing the molest of young boys by the other priests. I could not really understand about when this conversation struck me, but I know it's the key to this whole movie. While searching for the quote, I read someone compared the priest's detachment to the public's detachment in general. By killing the priest, it's also a allegation towards the general public's detachment. I think maybe that was the reason I thought the conversation meant. But I might find something other things in the future...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
催眠大師
滿不錯的一部電影. 我覺得在節奏的拿捏上非常棒. 在這點上製造了緊張. 對於那位神秘女人的動機, 和他的秘密, 也使的觀眾不斷揣測, 提高了觀眾懸疑的興趣. 另外兩位主角的互動很具張力.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
一個人的武林
有王寶強, 我覺得在演戲上似乎給我一點保證. 所以我滿期待的. 電影沒有讓我失望. 以警察探案為經, 把一個舊式的武林爭霸的故事給帶出來, 這是一個令我驚豔的結構. 其中警案的劇情引起整部影片的多處轉折, 實在是令人猜測不斷. 王寶強的演戲能力也沒讓我失望. 他能不能打對我來說不是很重要, 可是, 在故事裡, 他實際上扮演的是甄子丹 的 hyde. 而這個 hyde 非常盡責, 把主角最強的 Ego 給叫出來後, 真正把主角從自己的強烈欲望裡掙脫出來. 甄子丹的表現一般沒有太大的波瀾起伏, 但是在這裡卻很適合他的角色.
這實在是一部很好的電影.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, May 09, 2015
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Friday, May 01, 2015
person missing
looking for a lost person. he is 5'3'', asian. male, with a glasses. missing since long time ago. may no longer be alive. but still hoping to reach out and take our chances.
it's hard to describe how this person really was for it was truly a long time ago. this person seemed to be full of himself sometimes. it seemed that he could easily get along with other people, but deep down, he was a phony. he pretends a lot. could not hold true to his feeling. deeply competitive, it seemed, but a coward in the core. this combination makes him a person kept hiding and hiding, until there's no more room to hide. until he had to close his own eyes, to pretend to hide... in plain sight.
he watched a lot of porn. although many of those things scare him, but somehow, those scared him the most, attracted something deep inside of him as well. it's an interesting study case for human psychic? or could it be an average joe's psychology? this person disliked the habit, but could not stop himself. this habit had affected his interaction with opposite sex. it was really a very sad fate. for he naturally adored females.
this person had problem interact with people, he sought other means to be in touch with a bigger human nature. movies. it's very stupid. for there's no interaction at all.
after all these description, maybe , we should not looked for this person anymore...
-----------------------------
隨便寫的文章,完全沒有內容. 寫作的動機是來自於 zen and the artofmotorcycle maintenance. 這是我以前的心理醫師介紹的一本書. 我最近找來看, 看完後, 後悔那時候沒有馬上在介紹時閱讀. 的確是一本可以和心理醫師討論好書. 主角那種完全脫離現實的觀察, 就好像駕駛人其實不在駕駛, 反而坐在乘客座上. 兒子的描述, 一開始讓我覺得多餘, 但實際上, 非常關鍵! 我還不能解釋關鍵在何處.
it's hard to describe how this person really was for it was truly a long time ago. this person seemed to be full of himself sometimes. it seemed that he could easily get along with other people, but deep down, he was a phony. he pretends a lot. could not hold true to his feeling. deeply competitive, it seemed, but a coward in the core. this combination makes him a person kept hiding and hiding, until there's no more room to hide. until he had to close his own eyes, to pretend to hide... in plain sight.
he watched a lot of porn. although many of those things scare him, but somehow, those scared him the most, attracted something deep inside of him as well. it's an interesting study case for human psychic? or could it be an average joe's psychology? this person disliked the habit, but could not stop himself. this habit had affected his interaction with opposite sex. it was really a very sad fate. for he naturally adored females.
this person had problem interact with people, he sought other means to be in touch with a bigger human nature. movies. it's very stupid. for there's no interaction at all.
after all these description, maybe , we should not looked for this person anymore...
-----------------------------
隨便寫的文章,完全沒有內容. 寫作的動機是來自於 zen and the artofmotorcycle maintenance. 這是我以前的心理醫師介紹的一本書. 我最近找來看, 看完後, 後悔那時候沒有馬上在介紹時閱讀. 的確是一本可以和心理醫師討論好書. 主角那種完全脫離現實的觀察, 就好像駕駛人其實不在駕駛, 反而坐在乘客座上. 兒子的描述, 一開始讓我覺得多餘, 但實際上, 非常關鍵! 我還不能解釋關鍵在何處.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
can't sleep
don't remember when, but i have been getting up really early for a few weeks now. i thought maybe work start to affect my personal life. i went to work very early because that is just the sequence of getting up early. i am really tired. really tired.
i usually wake up at around 3:30. my cat would come and wake me up. but i would fell into sleep again in the past. not recently though. i guess i am just filled with sexual desire. i could not let it go. i remember now why i quit mpcsa, because i felt i could not talk to the girls there. and yet, i wish to get close to them. very much so. i have a yoga instructor who i am attracted to. i'd fancy about her. but that never caused me sleepless in the early morning. there are michelle and cj in the work place. i do fancy a lot about michelle. i kind like cj as well. all these daydreaming, if you would call it, makes myself tired. not because masturbation, but rather, the thought of incompetence of myself. the laziness, can't communicate well, a shallow understanding of human interaction...etc. oh, and cowardice. i felt i am a fake. a big fake. as i said before, to exaggerate one's incompetence, is one way to enlarge one's own image. i am doing that RIGHT NOW!
it's just never enough for me. although i have everything i need to be successful. my mom makes sure of it. it is i who failed to implement anything. every time this thought came up, i know i need to remind myself to get a grip. then i'd say to myself, go do what you want. i would think hard, but the only thing i could really muster, which i'd never announce it in front anyone but myself, was i wish nono is here. i want her love. but then, again, that won't happen, that aint never ever gonna happen. so what i would usually do is go to macdonald and buy a twenty piece chicken nuggets, $5.00. best way to laugh at myself being a coward, i guess.
my mom was very much disturbed by my behavior, mainly getting up really early. i need to find a part time job though. i am tired.
i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i usually wake up at around 3:30. my cat would come and wake me up. but i would fell into sleep again in the past. not recently though. i guess i am just filled with sexual desire. i could not let it go. i remember now why i quit mpcsa, because i felt i could not talk to the girls there. and yet, i wish to get close to them. very much so. i have a yoga instructor who i am attracted to. i'd fancy about her. but that never caused me sleepless in the early morning. there are michelle and cj in the work place. i do fancy a lot about michelle. i kind like cj as well. all these daydreaming, if you would call it, makes myself tired. not because masturbation, but rather, the thought of incompetence of myself. the laziness, can't communicate well, a shallow understanding of human interaction...etc. oh, and cowardice. i felt i am a fake. a big fake. as i said before, to exaggerate one's incompetence, is one way to enlarge one's own image. i am doing that RIGHT NOW!
it's just never enough for me. although i have everything i need to be successful. my mom makes sure of it. it is i who failed to implement anything. every time this thought came up, i know i need to remind myself to get a grip. then i'd say to myself, go do what you want. i would think hard, but the only thing i could really muster, which i'd never announce it in front anyone but myself, was i wish nono is here. i want her love. but then, again, that won't happen, that aint never ever gonna happen. so what i would usually do is go to macdonald and buy a twenty piece chicken nuggets, $5.00. best way to laugh at myself being a coward, i guess.
my mom was very much disturbed by my behavior, mainly getting up really early. i need to find a part time job though. i am tired.
i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, April 05, 2015
movies in hindsight
the rover
it was a very good movie. it kept reminding me of mad max. I guess it was s version of mad max in more realistic light. But the rover was a much more complete experience. The story spun out of the two main characters was really cool. the background with vast wilderness was both exhilarating and empty somehow.
The acting in the film was top notch. It was a really good movie.
-------------------------
Two brothers
It's a tiger's tale. It was amazing to see those tiger actors act. I was really fascinated by them. The story and other actors were enough to hold the film, but it is the animals that hold the attention.
I stumbled this movie because the French director filmed another animal movie with wolf in China. Two brothers were really not bad.
--------------------------
the raid 2
It was a better film than the first one. It cranked up everything that was awesome in the first one to another level. The last fight was truly amazing!
it was a very good movie. it kept reminding me of mad max. I guess it was s version of mad max in more realistic light. But the rover was a much more complete experience. The story spun out of the two main characters was really cool. the background with vast wilderness was both exhilarating and empty somehow.
The acting in the film was top notch. It was a really good movie.
-------------------------
Two brothers
It's a tiger's tale. It was amazing to see those tiger actors act. I was really fascinated by them. The story and other actors were enough to hold the film, but it is the animals that hold the attention.
I stumbled this movie because the French director filmed another animal movie with wolf in China. Two brothers were really not bad.
--------------------------
the raid 2
It was a better film than the first one. It cranked up everything that was awesome in the first one to another level. The last fight was truly amazing!
Saturday, April 04, 2015
impressing movies
revenge of the dragon greeene
It was a pretty ordinary movie. Ordinary in the sense that it is a very much what I expected what it should be, a gangster movie, where a group of young people doing gang things... fighting, drugging, sex... The movie did success on making the protagonist more human. I was unhappy with rape scene towards the end. It was horrible. The twist at the ending was also a big let down. For it really reminded me of wu jian dao... The movie was based on real events, so the rape probably was unavoidable. but the ending was superfluous.
It was interesting to watch this movie purely just because the background was not about AA or italian, there were something uniquely asian.
---------------------------------
lucy
The bad guys in the movie could already be dealt with. And yet, they stayed, and tried to act as something that could matter the outcome... Johansson's performance was tight, so was the taipei sequence. The ending was not really well thought out. It was an barely okay movie, simply because only the half was decent, the ending was spoiled, and bad guys were stupid.
------------------------------
the drop
It was a really good movie. I don't remember tomhady much besides bane, but he did not showed his face, so I would count much into that. So this is the movie I truly learned who tomhardy is, an amazing actor. The story was really good as well. As I looked back now, there were few subtle setups to tie the film from the beginning. That was cool. The movie was also surrounded with very strong actors, including noomirapace, and jamesgandolfini. the conversation between tomhardy and jamesgandolfini towards the end was awesome, the subtle change of tomhardy in the major showdown was so creepy and yet powerful. i can't say enough how much fun it was.
------------------------------
rudderless
it's an okay movie. the performace of billycrudrup was as always excellent. but i was as touched by the music. the story was however, worth knowing.
-------------------------------
the judge
a friend of mine compared this movie the August: Osage County. I think it was because both movies had weird parents. my friend think the judge was better. But to me, it's different. the judge was however warmer in many ways. the mother in august was not at all!
I felt the judge was a movie with too many complicated story lines, and could not really settle on one of the story lines. The grand daughter scenes did not seemed necessary at all. The only purpose it served was so the audience won't be too disgusted by the old man.
The court room drama could also be tweaked and concentrated, but it was my personal preference.
The relationship between father and son was not bad in the movie at all. I liked it very much. Both actors were equally capable to bring strong and complicated emotion out which was why the movie was decent.
---------------------------
nightcrawler
a very scary movie. some scary movies use ghost, killers, spirit, myth, monster, weird dude. This one used a weird dude. The acting was incredible, not just the main actor, but all the supporting actors. This is one scary movie.
-------------------------------
beyond the lights
it's an okay movie. some of the scenes were pretty good. I like the scene in mexico where the female protagonist sang.
It was a pretty ordinary movie. Ordinary in the sense that it is a very much what I expected what it should be, a gangster movie, where a group of young people doing gang things... fighting, drugging, sex... The movie did success on making the protagonist more human. I was unhappy with rape scene towards the end. It was horrible. The twist at the ending was also a big let down. For it really reminded me of wu jian dao... The movie was based on real events, so the rape probably was unavoidable. but the ending was superfluous.
It was interesting to watch this movie purely just because the background was not about AA or italian, there were something uniquely asian.
---------------------------------
lucy
The bad guys in the movie could already be dealt with. And yet, they stayed, and tried to act as something that could matter the outcome... Johansson's performance was tight, so was the taipei sequence. The ending was not really well thought out. It was an barely okay movie, simply because only the half was decent, the ending was spoiled, and bad guys were stupid.
------------------------------
the drop
It was a really good movie. I don't remember tomhady much besides bane, but he did not showed his face, so I would count much into that. So this is the movie I truly learned who tomhardy is, an amazing actor. The story was really good as well. As I looked back now, there were few subtle setups to tie the film from the beginning. That was cool. The movie was also surrounded with very strong actors, including noomirapace, and jamesgandolfini. the conversation between tomhardy and jamesgandolfini towards the end was awesome, the subtle change of tomhardy in the major showdown was so creepy and yet powerful. i can't say enough how much fun it was.
------------------------------
rudderless
it's an okay movie. the performace of billycrudrup was as always excellent. but i was as touched by the music. the story was however, worth knowing.
-------------------------------
the judge
a friend of mine compared this movie the August: Osage County. I think it was because both movies had weird parents. my friend think the judge was better. But to me, it's different. the judge was however warmer in many ways. the mother in august was not at all!
I felt the judge was a movie with too many complicated story lines, and could not really settle on one of the story lines. The grand daughter scenes did not seemed necessary at all. The only purpose it served was so the audience won't be too disgusted by the old man.
The court room drama could also be tweaked and concentrated, but it was my personal preference.
The relationship between father and son was not bad in the movie at all. I liked it very much. Both actors were equally capable to bring strong and complicated emotion out which was why the movie was decent.
---------------------------
nightcrawler
a very scary movie. some scary movies use ghost, killers, spirit, myth, monster, weird dude. This one used a weird dude. The acting was incredible, not just the main actor, but all the supporting actors. This is one scary movie.
-------------------------------
beyond the lights
it's an okay movie. some of the scenes were pretty good. I like the scene in mexico where the female protagonist sang.
Monday, March 02, 2015
movie impression
mad max series:
I felt that i must be desensitized throughout these years. for I felt that this series was not that bloody. Some of them were savagery, yes, but the violent act was done very differently than nowadays. They were not more reserved, but more realistic. What I meant to say was that watching a staged fight would be more glorious, but a real street fight, that would be slow and sluggish. I consider this is what happened here.
It created an otherly world place quite successfully. I almost felt like a child's dream being realized. I do not know why. I guess bad people being bad, good people looked good as well. It's all on the surface. It's not shallow though. As the series went on, the movie got further away from the reality. The last installment of the series was so weird compared to the other movies! It really is a children's story disguised in wild and rugged appearances!
-------------------------------------------------
jon wik
I had high anticipation for this one. I thought it was a good action flick. Some of the scenes in the movie were really slick, especially the gun play.
But I felt the ending was weak which felt a bit dragged. The movie created a mysterious world of assassins successfully. But jon as a character was eventually weak in many ways. I don't like him much. And this mysterious world of assassin somehow weakened joh even futher. because now it took the tension of him being hunted.
--------------------------------------------------
the raid redemption
I kept find ways to delay watching this movie. I felt it's just going to be a movie of bunch of actions sequence without much meaning. But it was alright. The plot line was of course, still thin. The movie itself was not weakened by it though. It's enough to sustain the whole movie, since some of the action sequences were really good!
This movie reminded me the dredd movie. But that's beside the point. I felt I haven't seen such great action scenes since HK movies long ago. And with the modern technology, it felt even better.
It's not to say that all the action were good. I felt the last fight was boring. It's really disappointing to end the movie this way. It dragged too long, and most of the movements in that scene became moo points. Let me put this way, it's like god of war, with all the flashy light, and bone cracking sound, but nothing really happened.
---------------------------------------------------
the homesman
I thought the title was the horseman... My goodness, I realized the title after I finished the movie... lol
It was a very solid movie. I liked it quite a bit. The performance was really good. Tomli Jones sure can act in many ways. And HilarySwank was beautiful in the movie. One of the best shocking twist I've seen in a movie for a long time.
It's 2nd movie for Tomly Jones. This one has a similar air, an atmosphere, which it seemed that only He can give. And I think western was a great place for that air to appear, since they kind of both forgotten somehow.
-------------------------------------------------
I felt that i must be desensitized throughout these years. for I felt that this series was not that bloody. Some of them were savagery, yes, but the violent act was done very differently than nowadays. They were not more reserved, but more realistic. What I meant to say was that watching a staged fight would be more glorious, but a real street fight, that would be slow and sluggish. I consider this is what happened here.
It created an otherly world place quite successfully. I almost felt like a child's dream being realized. I do not know why. I guess bad people being bad, good people looked good as well. It's all on the surface. It's not shallow though. As the series went on, the movie got further away from the reality. The last installment of the series was so weird compared to the other movies! It really is a children's story disguised in wild and rugged appearances!
-------------------------------------------------
jon wik
I had high anticipation for this one. I thought it was a good action flick. Some of the scenes in the movie were really slick, especially the gun play.
But I felt the ending was weak which felt a bit dragged. The movie created a mysterious world of assassins successfully. But jon as a character was eventually weak in many ways. I don't like him much. And this mysterious world of assassin somehow weakened joh even futher. because now it took the tension of him being hunted.
--------------------------------------------------
the raid redemption
I kept find ways to delay watching this movie. I felt it's just going to be a movie of bunch of actions sequence without much meaning. But it was alright. The plot line was of course, still thin. The movie itself was not weakened by it though. It's enough to sustain the whole movie, since some of the action sequences were really good!
This movie reminded me the dredd movie. But that's beside the point. I felt I haven't seen such great action scenes since HK movies long ago. And with the modern technology, it felt even better.
It's not to say that all the action were good. I felt the last fight was boring. It's really disappointing to end the movie this way. It dragged too long, and most of the movements in that scene became moo points. Let me put this way, it's like god of war, with all the flashy light, and bone cracking sound, but nothing really happened.
---------------------------------------------------
the homesman
I thought the title was the horseman... My goodness, I realized the title after I finished the movie... lol
It was a very solid movie. I liked it quite a bit. The performance was really good. Tomli Jones sure can act in many ways. And HilarySwank was beautiful in the movie. One of the best shocking twist I've seen in a movie for a long time.
It's 2nd movie for Tomly Jones. This one has a similar air, an atmosphere, which it seemed that only He can give. And I think western was a great place for that air to appear, since they kind of both forgotten somehow.
-------------------------------------------------
Monday, January 19, 2015
some thoughts
review on brick the film
I liked the film the first time. I do not know why. so I watched it the second time yesterday. i still don't know the reason. I find it comical throughout, since the content is usually performed by older guys in societal setting. It was all performed by high school students... it's kind ridiculous. But at the same time, the characters were interesting, the plot engaging, and the performance was really good. The mystery was kind lost in the middle, for i already watched it before. But the atmosphere surrounds the circumstance was still thrilling.
One thing though. The words spoken here, was kind hard to follow. They were so fast, and many might be slang, that I needed to rewind a few times just to read the captions.
I still could not find out the reason why I liked it.
--------------------
a coffee in berlin
i did not care too much about the film. it's a day in berlin, the young protagonist could find a coffee through out the day. It's a sad day for him, maybe. Or maybe his day was like this for quite a while now. I'd compare this film to nebraska. but it did not give me a wonder at the end like nebraska. I could not get something out of it without that last note.
-------------------
Am I looking for something superior in my writing? No, not really. But it is true that whenever I want to write something I'd call real, I'd stop writing. There is hesitation, which is enough for me to stop all the thoughts and words. Sometimes I felt childish. Sometimes I felt embarrassed, even no one is reading it. My dad used to say he'll do what he liked to do, rather than following other people's path. I don't know why that sentence cut into my thought. But there's another thing that came in my mind as well. I chose to write down my father's words, but no my mom's. I asked my mom once, not once, but many times. why did she not write down something about the past. She replied, why? The past is past. I felt that she voiced many complaints about the past. She could not put those things into words simply. There must be good, there must be bad. The words is hard to do justice to those things. When my mom complained past, my uncle would always argue her point. It was weird to see these two argue about the same objective thing.
If I felt something injured me, I'd cry afoul. If I want something, my mind went blank. Like it's something to be embarrassed about. I felt disgusted at something, or someone, What if I felt disgusted about my dislike at earlier moment? Man, that's too bad. I felt that way, feeling can't be changed. no? Or maybe we could hide it? Yes, hide it. What if I confront it? What kind of standard should I use to judge it? Should I consider all the subjective and objective, inside and outside influence? Or am I to make that call?
I want. Such indecisive phrase.
I liked the film the first time. I do not know why. so I watched it the second time yesterday. i still don't know the reason. I find it comical throughout, since the content is usually performed by older guys in societal setting. It was all performed by high school students... it's kind ridiculous. But at the same time, the characters were interesting, the plot engaging, and the performance was really good. The mystery was kind lost in the middle, for i already watched it before. But the atmosphere surrounds the circumstance was still thrilling.
One thing though. The words spoken here, was kind hard to follow. They were so fast, and many might be slang, that I needed to rewind a few times just to read the captions.
I still could not find out the reason why I liked it.
--------------------
a coffee in berlin
i did not care too much about the film. it's a day in berlin, the young protagonist could find a coffee through out the day. It's a sad day for him, maybe. Or maybe his day was like this for quite a while now. I'd compare this film to nebraska. but it did not give me a wonder at the end like nebraska. I could not get something out of it without that last note.
-------------------
Am I looking for something superior in my writing? No, not really. But it is true that whenever I want to write something I'd call real, I'd stop writing. There is hesitation, which is enough for me to stop all the thoughts and words. Sometimes I felt childish. Sometimes I felt embarrassed, even no one is reading it. My dad used to say he'll do what he liked to do, rather than following other people's path. I don't know why that sentence cut into my thought. But there's another thing that came in my mind as well. I chose to write down my father's words, but no my mom's. I asked my mom once, not once, but many times. why did she not write down something about the past. She replied, why? The past is past. I felt that she voiced many complaints about the past. She could not put those things into words simply. There must be good, there must be bad. The words is hard to do justice to those things. When my mom complained past, my uncle would always argue her point. It was weird to see these two argue about the same objective thing.
If I felt something injured me, I'd cry afoul. If I want something, my mind went blank. Like it's something to be embarrassed about. I felt disgusted at something, or someone, What if I felt disgusted about my dislike at earlier moment? Man, that's too bad. I felt that way, feeling can't be changed. no? Or maybe we could hide it? Yes, hide it. What if I confront it? What kind of standard should I use to judge it? Should I consider all the subjective and objective, inside and outside influence? Or am I to make that call?
I want. Such indecisive phrase.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
我的影評
剛剛看完 bride and prejudice. 我滿失望的. 看過不少傲慢與偏見的影片. 這部在劇情上並沒有太多的驚奇. 早已知道會有跳舞唱歌的場面, 這些過場也無讓我感覺很突出. 我感覺劇組很想拍出印度風味. 但是, 不知怎的, 我卻覺得這是我看過西化的印度電影.
我覺得原著裡, 描寫了很多特別的人物. 這部電影裡, 似乎無法盡原著的原汁原味來做同樣的人物描寫. 特別是反面的 Wickham, 而做為丑角的 mr. kohli 又太過著墨. 我覺得 mr. kohli 還算了, 因為和其他影視相比, 還不失原著的味道. 但是, 一旦反角失去力道, 正面的 Darcy 也同時失去魅力.
這是我第一次看 ashwarya 演戲. 他還滿稱職的. 聰明, 可愛, 性格突出. 大部分的影視也都照這個模式演. 但是我還是喜歡 BJD 裡的角色. 這是一個 使這電影 make it or break it 的最重要元素. BJD 之所以令我喜歡還有一個 "憨"的原因. 太聰明使的這角色, 太剛硬. 因為這女孩性格之強, 又聰明, 又漂亮... 已經使人產生崇高的畏懼感. 還需要一個憨才能拉近觀眾的距離. 但是, 這和 Ashwarya 無關. 這是劇組的問題.
還有, 我看的電影對白都是英文. 讓我有點不適應. 之前看的我都堅持聽原文看英文字幕. 這部電影讓我感覺看到上層的印度菁英. 或許這也是所有其他文化也有的現象. 就是, 其他文化的菁英都開始大量用英文吧.
我覺得原著裡, 描寫了很多特別的人物. 這部電影裡, 似乎無法盡原著的原汁原味來做同樣的人物描寫. 特別是反面的 Wickham, 而做為丑角的 mr. kohli 又太過著墨. 我覺得 mr. kohli 還算了, 因為和其他影視相比, 還不失原著的味道. 但是, 一旦反角失去力道, 正面的 Darcy 也同時失去魅力.
這是我第一次看 ashwarya 演戲. 他還滿稱職的. 聰明, 可愛, 性格突出. 大部分的影視也都照這個模式演. 但是我還是喜歡 BJD 裡的角色. 這是一個 使這電影 make it or break it 的最重要元素. BJD 之所以令我喜歡還有一個 "憨"的原因. 太聰明使的這角色, 太剛硬. 因為這女孩性格之強, 又聰明, 又漂亮... 已經使人產生崇高的畏懼感. 還需要一個憨才能拉近觀眾的距離. 但是, 這和 Ashwarya 無關. 這是劇組的問題.
還有, 我看的電影對白都是英文. 讓我有點不適應. 之前看的我都堅持聽原文看英文字幕. 這部電影讓我感覺看到上層的印度菁英. 或許這也是所有其他文化也有的現象. 就是, 其他文化的菁英都開始大量用英文吧.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
海克力斯和其他
just saw hercules with the rock. this movie was quite entertaining. I mean it did not pretend to be serious. And I know exactly what i was getting. The created an wonderful experience for viewing this movie.
The movie surrounds the rock with all the role actors. And it pushed those role actors to their full capability. especially worthy of mentioning was ian mcshane. He not only delivered one of the most hilarious line in the movie, he also accommodated one of my favorite scenes in all my years of watching movies!
the rock was perfect for this job. By watching the trailer, I thought his voice was a big weak, not manly enough. But I was wrong. During the most intense scene, the rock crying out his own name was really not bad. And with his physique, the look, he's an awesome hercules.
many of these kind movies using real history as background, but eventually, I felt they were all like Conan the Barbarian! All telling a story from far far away, long long ago. It was fun. The history really doesn't matter.
---------------
brick mansion:
another movie, but besides the opening sequence, there's nothing to see. Nothing. very sad. The source material was not good to begin with. It's a waste of talents when there's no story at all... just pathetic.
The movie surrounds the rock with all the role actors. And it pushed those role actors to their full capability. especially worthy of mentioning was ian mcshane. He not only delivered one of the most hilarious line in the movie, he also accommodated one of my favorite scenes in all my years of watching movies!
the rock was perfect for this job. By watching the trailer, I thought his voice was a big weak, not manly enough. But I was wrong. During the most intense scene, the rock crying out his own name was really not bad. And with his physique, the look, he's an awesome hercules.
many of these kind movies using real history as background, but eventually, I felt they were all like Conan the Barbarian! All telling a story from far far away, long long ago. It was fun. The history really doesn't matter.
---------------
brick mansion:
another movie, but besides the opening sequence, there's nothing to see. Nothing. very sad. The source material was not good to begin with. It's a waste of talents when there's no story at all... just pathetic.
Friday, January 02, 2015
今年工作經驗
在麥斯康已經工作兩年半. 去年是正式員工一年, 前兩年是非正式兩年. 去年這一年事情非常之多. 並不是說倉庫本身的事情很多,而是其中人事和與其相關的事情不少.
在麥之前我做了三年 ups 聖誕期間的司機助手. 這讓我稍稍對裝箱送貨的流程有點認識. 去年前的兩三個月, 我開始在倉庫作. 那時候, 麥的倉庫主要的人手走了. 我和馬力歐算是全職倉庫. 維克是半職. Aaron (張玉) 兼職倉庫經理. 那時我剛進去, Alex 跟我說, 那時候最重要的事情是 恩(enidine) 出貨不能有錯, 至少要減到最低錯誤的程度. 為了這個目標, Aaron 決定整頓恩貨物的排列, 並且用力的把倉庫大力整頓, 該丟的丟, 該收拾的收拾. 於是, 恩區的空間增大許多, 貨物的排放更集中, 出貨下架和收貨歸架也更為經濟. 另外, 還有許多倉庫的工作流程系統化, 也就是說, 使的許多步驟裡, 出貨和收貨時有更多的憑據, 加責於經手人. 另如, 收貨時的電郵格式, 出貨時, 在盒子上的標籤格式. 也都出自 Aaron 的設計. 在幾個月的調整和適應下, 這些流程逐漸成形, 到現在成為部門之間很重要的溝通橋樑. 六月份, 新的倉庫經理上任. 一切步驟沿用 Aaron 的設計. 新的經理, 把一些貨物直接請港口的貨運公司直接堆在木墊上. 省了倉庫很多很多力. 幾個月後, Alex 兼任倉庫經理直到現在.
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本來是我和馬全職, 維克半職. 四月份的時候, 馬離職, 維克成為全職. 馬的離職應該可以避免的. 事情是馬在外找到某鎮上的公職, 但是, 藥品測試還沒正式拿到, 其他面試已經過關. 馬以為一定過, 於是他對於張就開始有散漫的態度. 本來這幾個月來, 他倆一直有摩擦, 這下子, 更緊張起來. 我這個人有毛病, 無論是同學還是同事, 還是親人, 有人爭執, 我就受不了. 就在他準備離職的四天前一個下午, 馬竟然接到通知說他的測試不過. 他整個人都不大對勁了. 我一看, 生怕張會惹他不高興, 我看到張, 偷偷說了情況, 希望他下午不要太和馬紀較. 也告訴他不要和任何人提起這件事. 工程部門的人和馬早有意見. 我這樣做實在是太天真. 第二天, 馬就問我, 我是否和誰提起測試過? 我馬上否認, 他說他做總經理的乾媽和他說, 少東和他提起這件事! Alex 後來還把我找去, 和張跟我說明這件事. 因為那一天我很不高興張和Alex (工頭) 說. 那個星期的星期五, 老闆娘給馬一封辭職信. 於是馬就走了. 這對我是很好教訓. 在人事上我太天真. 馬是太年輕, 他有百般不對, 老闆娘也應該不會這樣在得知他工作沒有的情況下讓他走人. 畢竟他也在這公司陸陸續續做了七年(他今年廿歲). 如此的絕情, 實是因為聽到他有藥品的問題. 而且, 這事還要少東和總經理提起, 總經理在這一著上已經輸給工頭. 並不是我真的很喜歡和馬同工. 但此事上我難辭其咎.
維克在全職前, 我跟他不很熟悉. 在全職之後, 我還滿喜歡這個人的. 很有頭腦的一個人. 尤其是在工作上, 在人事上他也老練. 他其實是倉庫的工友. 現在任全職後, 他把整個倉庫翻了一翻, 從今年暑假開始, 我們拆了一個房間, 也就是清出一個空地可以放更多架子. ATW 警報器得到整個徹地的翻新排列. 最近兩三個月更大肆把恩的貨物整個挪出, 準備要排在更多的新架上. 他非常仔細徹底. 而且, 因為手藝很好, 他常常能夠化腐朽為神奇. 相對於馬, 他好相處多了. 他很喜歡車子, 還主動把我的車子生鏽的地方上了漆. 另外, 承他照顧, 我在恩的發貨上出過錯誤, 他和 Anne 都幫我掩蓋過去. 而且在如何堆放貨物, 如何開起重機, 他都指導我多次. 跟他合作事很愉快的經驗.
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在麥之前我做了三年 ups 聖誕期間的司機助手. 這讓我稍稍對裝箱送貨的流程有點認識. 去年前的兩三個月, 我開始在倉庫作. 那時候, 麥的倉庫主要的人手走了. 我和馬力歐算是全職倉庫. 維克是半職. Aaron (張玉) 兼職倉庫經理. 那時我剛進去, Alex 跟我說, 那時候最重要的事情是 恩(enidine) 出貨不能有錯, 至少要減到最低錯誤的程度. 為了這個目標, Aaron 決定整頓恩貨物的排列, 並且用力的把倉庫大力整頓, 該丟的丟, 該收拾的收拾. 於是, 恩區的空間增大許多, 貨物的排放更集中, 出貨下架和收貨歸架也更為經濟. 另外, 還有許多倉庫的工作流程系統化, 也就是說, 使的許多步驟裡, 出貨和收貨時有更多的憑據, 加責於經手人. 另如, 收貨時的電郵格式, 出貨時, 在盒子上的標籤格式. 也都出自 Aaron 的設計. 在幾個月的調整和適應下, 這些流程逐漸成形, 到現在成為部門之間很重要的溝通橋樑. 六月份, 新的倉庫經理上任. 一切步驟沿用 Aaron 的設計. 新的經理, 把一些貨物直接請港口的貨運公司直接堆在木墊上. 省了倉庫很多很多力. 幾個月後, Alex 兼任倉庫經理直到現在.
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本來是我和馬全職, 維克半職. 四月份的時候, 馬離職, 維克成為全職. 馬的離職應該可以避免的. 事情是馬在外找到某鎮上的公職, 但是, 藥品測試還沒正式拿到, 其他面試已經過關. 馬以為一定過, 於是他對於張就開始有散漫的態度. 本來這幾個月來, 他倆一直有摩擦, 這下子, 更緊張起來. 我這個人有毛病, 無論是同學還是同事, 還是親人, 有人爭執, 我就受不了. 就在他準備離職的四天前一個下午, 馬竟然接到通知說他的測試不過. 他整個人都不大對勁了. 我一看, 生怕張會惹他不高興, 我看到張, 偷偷說了情況, 希望他下午不要太和馬紀較. 也告訴他不要和任何人提起這件事. 工程部門的人和馬早有意見. 我這樣做實在是太天真. 第二天, 馬就問我, 我是否和誰提起測試過? 我馬上否認, 他說他做總經理的乾媽和他說, 少東和他提起這件事! Alex 後來還把我找去, 和張跟我說明這件事. 因為那一天我很不高興張和Alex (工頭) 說. 那個星期的星期五, 老闆娘給馬一封辭職信. 於是馬就走了. 這對我是很好教訓. 在人事上我太天真. 馬是太年輕, 他有百般不對, 老闆娘也應該不會這樣在得知他工作沒有的情況下讓他走人. 畢竟他也在這公司陸陸續續做了七年(他今年廿歲). 如此的絕情, 實是因為聽到他有藥品的問題. 而且, 這事還要少東和總經理提起, 總經理在這一著上已經輸給工頭. 並不是我真的很喜歡和馬同工. 但此事上我難辭其咎.
維克在全職前, 我跟他不很熟悉. 在全職之後, 我還滿喜歡這個人的. 很有頭腦的一個人. 尤其是在工作上, 在人事上他也老練. 他其實是倉庫的工友. 現在任全職後, 他把整個倉庫翻了一翻, 從今年暑假開始, 我們拆了一個房間, 也就是清出一個空地可以放更多架子. ATW 警報器得到整個徹地的翻新排列. 最近兩三個月更大肆把恩的貨物整個挪出, 準備要排在更多的新架上. 他非常仔細徹底. 而且, 因為手藝很好, 他常常能夠化腐朽為神奇. 相對於馬, 他好相處多了. 他很喜歡車子, 還主動把我的車子生鏽的地方上了漆. 另外, 承他照顧, 我在恩的發貨上出過錯誤, 他和 Anne 都幫我掩蓋過去. 而且在如何堆放貨物, 如何開起重機, 他都指導我多次. 跟他合作事很愉快的經驗.
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