I've sitting here since coming back from uncle's house. I went to his house because grandpa called us twice to look for mom. When I got to his house, I was kind surprised that uncle and aunt were both absent. I waited mom's arrival with grandpa.
I've sitting here for 3 hours now since then.
-----------------------------------
I was writing the above paragraph, my mom came back, then, I went to my uncle's house with her for something. At that time, I was feeling extremely anxious. I guess it came from surfing the internet fro 2 and half hours without doing any thing. I had a a goal before I started surfing. I listened to some rush albums because I want to learn to sing one of a rock'n roll songs. Vic and Pei Quan both recommended them to me in separate occasions. So I was listening and surfing at the same time. By surfing, I meant I was trying to find something I can buy from amazon or ebay. I don't know why that's important, but I felt it was important. I've been wanting to buy yoga mat for sometimes now. But every time I went online to look for them, I came back empty handed. It's been like this for a long time now. I could only buy stuff for my mom, it just seemed that I could not decide what to buy. Or, I always wonder if that's a good decision at all. I was always pretty certain that the things I want to to buy was either unnecessary, or priced too much. I need a better deal! I do not want to be silly, I want to show people I know how to buy things I want with a good price as well. From that point on, I stopped buying anything significant. The only things I could spend my money on was either fast food, or cat toys.
What stopped me to do research? I did some research. But I always wonder if there's a better deal... It is really that boy trying to find the best seashell by the beach...
I did buy a compact scope a few months ago. It was such a disappointment. It's hard to adjust the focus, and it's not that clear. But most terrible of all was that it's very fragile, for only a few days carried that thing around in my bag, it's broken already...
I just learned a phrase that if you could have a few choices but could not decide, then choose the one that you could reverse your decision if needed to afterwards. By not buying, I comfort myself that I was doing exactly that. However, it is extremely dissatisfying with myself!
----------------------------------
I always woke up in the mid night when baobao started meowing. it's almost always at 3. I used to be able to drift back into sleep. But I could not lately. I could not, because I kept thinking about girls in the office. I would struggle between having a lustrous relationship with them, or puppy love. Lustrous relationship almost always has the upper hand at the end. And that is it for me to sleep. That could go on for 6 nights a week.
I used to ogling pretty girls when I was in high school. I tried very hard to refrain from that for a long time. The restrain seemed to help some. But my imagination would go crazy half of the time. The female I turned my eyes away would be 10 times prettier sometimes. I really don't know what to do. I am horrendously lonely. I spent half of my day trying hard not to think of them. The other half of the time just out of focus, or the outside objective world would give me something to replace my mind which is usually work for now.
I know my mom knows what I am feeling. She's not a prude. But I just somehow could not step outside of my head. I have nothing to offer to the girl I wish to engage with. I can't talk, I have no talent, and I can't make a decision without making a fuss, and even after that the decision would come out wrong most of the time. Plus, I make no efforts to make things better, from inside out.
I felt sometimes that I have all the bad quality from my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa. But alas, they are all far superior than me. It's a insult to compare them to I.
I am just currently telling myself, that everybody is going to leave anyway. Those girls in office, well, they too are leaving soon. They will find a good future ahead, just like Nono did . And I will still be here, trying to carve another block of wood, saying I hate coward, I hate stupidity, I hate myself.
---------------------------------
I watched Mr. Turner two days ago. It was too long. I felt it's a montage without a focus, that means, the movie presented a person without really described that person. It was a movie without opinion. It maybe a good way to make movie sometimes. But with the length of the movie, and the huge amount of information, I felt it's disarrayed. The acting was pretty good, I guess, for no matter how good the acting was, I felt the movie need to have an opinion about Mr. Turner!
---------------------------------
I saw sudden impact, a fourth installment of dirty harry series. It was decent, but I don't think it's excellent. The plot was interesting enough. The acting was pretty good. I don't know why it's not excellent. But it's just not... :p
--------------------------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment