her

it's horrible.  i see her everywhere, on my window drapes, my walls, when i was at walmart today as well...  you name it, i see her there.  i wish to hug her, kiss her.  but it's not a good match.  and she would never say yes anyway.  i know i am not ready in any aspect of my life, i hate myself for knowing.  absolute hate myself.  we are way too different.  it's an obsession.  love is to tolerate with kindness.  i already saw her with somebody else.  and me, just a bystander, one of those passing through her life. 

i don't care.  i saw her everywhere.  i want to hug her, feel her weight on me, her smooth skin, with a laugh in her eyes, her scent in my nose.  i will close my eyes.  i want to own her, the same way she owns me too. 

what if she said yes.  i don't ask myself if she said no.  for that's a silly question, similar to asking if i am going to die or not.  what if she said yes, then what?  where to go, what to say, do i even exist?  it's not a joy, for the thoughts of her does not give me pleasure most of the time.  it stings me with how incapable of my own image.  i am no good.  i judged myself to eternal sleep, where not even flame is raised, but nothingness, and forgetfulness. 

in fire and ice, i crumbled.  I love her, it's a possessive idea.  i want her everything to myself.  me, only.  me only. 

i see her everywhere.  i want her.