I"ve been thinking

I've been thinking.  I don't want to do my current warehouse job for long time.  It is necessary to decide where I want to go next.  I do not want to do nothing again.  The first criteria to this decision to me is do I dare to choose to do what I want to do, or choose to do what I think I can do?

What I can do is little.  What I want to do is, as I imagine, not within my reach.  The difference between utter reality and utter fantasy?  To pursue what I want to do, I will need to go  back to school.  To choose what I can do, well, I can just stay put.

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I was yelling at  my mom yesterday.  I yelled: "I hate you, I hate your, you do not care for me!"  My mom, upon hearing this, was of course, furious.  From that experience, I know, I am still that kid from  1994.  I still constantly need my mother's approval, encourage to do what is necessary.  I cannot feel grown up.

I felt neglected.  But what about my mother?  I'd like to say that a kid cannot never provide what a parent could give to his or her kid.  I felt I know my mother very well.  I know how neglected she felt.  But I also know that she does not need her father's approval or live nearby to spur her on her own life.  She has that energy ingrained in her.  However, I am sacking it.  The guilt I felt.

The whole scenario started with planting some seedlings a sister  gave to her.  Then, she cannot stop blabbering about how wonderful Mr. Wang's seedlings was growing.  I said let's go to uncle's house and see.  Yes, they grew wonderfully, unlike ours.  I do not know why mine is not growing at all this year.  This frustrate me to no end.  The way my mother stressed how important to grow this things started to bug me.  I said I do not want to grow them anymore this year after we came back from uncle's house.  That really irritated her.  In return, I got madder and madder.  Then all hell broke loose.  I was yelling, throwing stuff around, use the digging tool to scare neighbor's dogs, even shoveled my mother.  IT was and is really taxing on both party every time.  I eventually planted everything.   While I was doing the potting, I talked to her about my frustration.   The conversation seemed to calm the event a bit.  But it did not.  After I went to bed at 10 pm last night, she came out of bed to watch her JW program on roku.

My frustration was a talk with her about a girl, named CJ at office place a few days ago.  I felt my mother's answer did not satisfy me.  All the talk about the planting and how wonderful other people is growing stuff today, really doesn't help me either.  I already felt a failure inside, I just felt I cannot compare to other wonderful people out there.  All these months waking up at 3 am, and could not get back to sleep, my mind just running with longing for a intimate relationship was haunting, and still is.  But of course, I did not give her an impression of urgency a few days ago.  When there is a problem, I tried to diminishing the problem with carefully selected words and phrases.  Trying to avoid confrontation, conflicts, or other similar sorts of things.  I hate coward, and I am one. 

Today, nobody is spared, my mom is in terrible shape.  And so do I.  I have to find a way to express in proportion to what I feel, in a timely manner! 

The problem with girls, cannot be solved.  Since I don't dare to have a girlfriend.  My mother kept suggesting to find a focus in life, trying to divert myself.  I've been trying to do that.  I cannot. I don't have energy to follow through anything... 

My mother is really upset about me saying she doesn't really care about my emotional need.  I watched a lot of frasier, I felt frasier and his father has the same conversation.  frasier felt the need to talk more, but not his father.  I really need to learn how to speak up my mind in a timely manner and elegantly....


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