神秘的十六號---轉貼

來源：網路流傳

那一年，開學不久，坐在對面的王老師新接一個班級，才沒幾天就聽到她喜孜孜的說：「我今年的運氣真好！這個班的家長也挺願意配合，班上的素質很整齊，尤其有一個學生，將來有可能當總統！」到底發生什麼大事？讓王老師這麼看好這個學生的未來？

原來，當大部分小一新生對學校都還不太熟時，這個學生竟然在班上發送自製的注音版學校地圖。王老師展示那張稚氣的手繪地圖，很得意的說：「我從來沒遇過這麼有創意的學生！這張地圖讓他成為孩子王，但他一點都沒有霸氣，跟誰都合得來。才幾天而已，就顯現了十足的領袖氣質，真是不容易！」王老師的運氣讓大家十分羨慕，「得天下英才而教之」本來就是人生的一大樂事啊！我有點扼腕，我教自然科只教一到八班，王老師卻在九班。不能教到這種天才型的學生，真有點遺憾呢！

王老師本來就是個負責認真的老師，教到這一班，更激起她百倍的教育愛。她不時向我們報告班上學生的動態，那個未來可能當總統的學生，更是她的最愛。她常這樣引起話題：「我們班那個十六號啊……」接著說的都是十分令人感動，不太像七歲孩子做的事。

這個神祕的十六號，曾把自己的飯盒分一半給飯盒打翻的同學；曾義正辭嚴的指責嘲笑別人跌倒的同學；曾在王老師感冒失聲時，默默的泡一大壺彭大海加菊花！

神祕的十六號做這些事時，都是默默的做，王老師常要等其他家長的感謝在家庭聯絡簿上出現時，才知道十六號又做了什麼不可思議的事。這麼小的孩子，怎麼懂得利他的行為？怎麼能那麼心甘情願的把東西與人分享？每聽王老師說一次，我就在心底暗暗佩服一次。我們已經習慣把這個十六號稱做王老師的「寶貝」。十六號的厲害還不只於此，他的成績很好，字也寫得很漂亮。王老師曾亮出十六號的國語習作給我們看，那端正清晰的字跡，超過許多二十歲的大人。更難得的是，十六號這些全是自動自發的。

據王老師說，十六號的爸爸只是退伍老兵，年紀超過六十了，媽媽又是領有殘障手冊的小兒麻痺症患者。在家裡爸媽幾乎沒時間管他，這個十六號還是樣樣比別強。

我想到阿扁總統就是貧戶出身，父母只是很平凡的農人，卻能造就一個總統。

每次談到這兒，我們都不免感嘆上天的安排：有的父母得花許多錢送孩子東學西學，深恐孩子輸在起跑點，但是孩子卻像扶不上牆的軟泥，一沒人叮嚀就全然失控。十六號的父母為生活奔波，忙得根本沒時間給孩子「加強」，但十六號的表現卻是那麼的好！

第二學期，原來教王老師班自然科的秦老師請假，為了親眼目睹這個神奇的十六號，我自告奮勇教他們班的自然課。第一堂課點名時，我仔細的看了看十六號。

他穿著簇新的衣服，一副無精打采的模樣，讓人非常失望。這真的是王老師的寶貝十六號嗎？再一次仔細看看他的名牌：10916，沒錯啊！就是讓我如雷貫耳的十六號！我簡單的問了幾個上學期應該教過的概念，很多學生都舉手發言。我一直很期待十六號的回答，可是他從頭到尾只會呆呆的坐著，一雙無神的眼睛盯著自己衣服上的鈕扣。難道王老師一整個學期的描述都是虛構的？我絕對不敢相信！沒有任何一個老師會做這麼無聊的事！

不用幾天，我就發現：這個十六號簡直是惡魔的化身！我幾乎每節課都要調停他和同學間的糾紛：一下子是未經許可拿同學的東西、一下子是粗手粗腳動到同學卻不肯承認。他似乎非常容易動怒，一生起氣，周圍的同學都遭殃。我對孩子的容忍度已經算很高的，但也已經氣得快打人。有幾次我無計可施，只能從他背後緊緊的扣著他，希望他別又對同學動手動腳。我可以感覺到他原本僵硬的身體，在我的懷裡慢慢的融化放鬆，從我懷裡掙脫出去後，他會較為安分些，但也不能維持太久。

上過幾堂課，我心中的疑惑已經多得快把我淹沒，我實在不敢問王老師是怎麼一回事？我很謹慎的回答王老師詢問的問題：「我們班還好吧？有沒有什麼問題？」我很留意的觀察王老師的容顏，在她的臉上，看不出特別的煩躁，我無法從中推斷十六號是否也造成她的困擾。

除了多上兩節課外，我又報名研習中心的一項長期研究計畫，所以這一學期我很少在辦公室待著。不是去上課，就是去找資料，我很少在加入辦公室中分享經驗的對話，所以也沒再聽到十六號神奇的事蹟。另一方面，我實在不好意思問：為什麼十六號的表現這麼差？我總會想到「踰淮為枳」的典故，按照理論，從學生可以看到老師的影子。十六號如果真的在王老師面前和在我面前有這麼大的差，那不是表示我教得不夠專業？一想到這點，就讓我心裡非常不安。

我像穿新衣的國王，深怕別人戳破謊言，發現真相，知道真正的問題是在我身上。我有些後悔接了秦老師的工作，如果不接，也許我可以多兩節備課的時間，也許我可以聽到更多有關十六號的報導。可以確定的是，我一定不用常常生自己的氣，氣這個十六號打斷我的上課，把我的教室弄得雞飛狗跳。然而，我從來不是一個容易輕易放棄的老師，既然問題是出在我的身上，就得在別人發現前趕快補救，我想好好的改變我的態度。

於是，我對十六號用了加倍的心力，兩節課的下課時間，我把他叫到身邊。有時不斷的逗他說話，有時請他幫我做事情。當我提出一個問題時，我總會把眼光轉向他，一種非常溫柔、期待的眼神。我的問題不難，又會在提問時加了許多暗示，答案幾乎是呼之欲出。其他的同學老早舉著手揮舞著，急切的希望我趕快點他們起來發言。我常把教室的氣氛弄得像一鍋沸騰的水，因為我在等，希望十六號能自動的舉手發言，恢復他應有的表現。

終於，有一天十六號舉起了手，我像中了特獎一樣，趕緊請他站起來說一說。天啊！真不愧是王老師的寶貝，他回答得非常好，我忍不住請全班為他鼓鼓掌！有了這一次的打破僵局，我和十六號之間逐漸建立了信任。

我知道他家沒有很多的錢買課外書，就把自己買的科學童話借他。我不經意的問他書中的內容，他都能一一回答。當他把我這套書都看過了，我教他可以到圖書館借書。隔了一個星期，他捧著自己借的書給我看，自告奮勇的說，願意在課堂中講一個有關影子的故事。就像磨合過的汽車，我們之間的溝通越來越順暢。我隱約感覺到他很喜歡我，也很願意在我面前有好表現，這點讓我十分欣慰。有一次，我摸摸他的頭，隨口問了句：「是誰幫你洗頭的呀？」

下一次的自然課，他像一隻甜蜜的小貓倚在我身邊說：「老師你摸摸看，昨天是我自己洗頭的喔！」看著那個小小的頭顱，我想到這幾個月馴服他的過程，心中產生了許多想法。還好，我終於找到了問題的所在，不然傳出去說，我把別人的資優生教成問題學生，那是多麼丟臉的事啊！我承認我對十六號是有點偏心，但對一個好學生有偏愛的心是應該的。自從他恢復了該有的水準，班上的氣氛好極了，我教起來很有成就感。我漸漸能體會到王老師津津樂道的原因，現在連我也忍不住想把心中的得意告訴別人呢！

學期結束時，我要學生做兩張圖文報告。才一年級的孩子，我不敢要求太多，只要他們能正確的剪取報章或雜誌的資料，端端正正的貼到資料本上，然後寫一段短短的心得報告就好。我把所有班級孩子的作業堆在桌上，如果真要仔細看完這些作業，得花許多時間，我只能走馬看花的瀏覽過去。但是我忍不住被十六號的作業吸引住。這一學期他看了不少課外書，他的報告竟然是十篇讀書心得。他用充滿童心的語氣寫下對這些動物故事的看法，還畫上美麗的插畫，這已經不是簡單的短文，而是一篇篇精采的文學作品。我忍不住把這份作業拿到王老師面前，告訴她：「你們那個十六號真不是蓋的，我看他將來別去當總統了，應該改行當動物生態作家！」我的話讓王老師足足愣了三十秒，她一臉茫然，彷彿完全不知道我說什麼。

我把作業推到她面前，提醒她：「你說過的呀！那個你的寶貝呀！會自動把東西和別人分享，很有領袖氣質的十六號呀！你不是說他和阿扁一樣，以後有可能當總統嗎？」王老師了解了，不過她張大了嘴，很驚訝的說：「你說那個十六號呀？那是上學期的事了。那個十六號轉學了，來了一個轉學生，因為正好是男生，我就把他安插在十六號這個號碼。這個十六號是個適應不良的問題學生，在前一個學校待不住才轉來的，和原來的那個十六號完全兩樣。他剛來的時候，只要他一進教室，全班同學就開始神經緊張。好幾個科任老師都向我反映過，只有你沒來告過狀。我嚇也嚇了，罵也罵了，還送去訓導處兩次。我和家長天天打電話，都快煩死了。後來不知怎麼一回事，他慢慢變好了，應該是漸漸能適應學習生活了吧？」王老師接過作業，看了看說：「這真的是他做的嗎？他寫在聯絡本上的生活小記，也沒寫得這麼好呀！」

王老師不敢相信的翻著作業，長久以來在我心中的疑惑終於一點一點的解開：原來兩個學期的十六號是不同的人呀！我在學期初見到的暴亂場面，也並不是針對我的，我在毫不知情的情形下，竟然擁抱著一個這麼大的祕密！我決定不把事情對王老師說得更清楚，畢竟這是我和我自己的祕密。

從這次以後，每當遇到表現失常的孩子，我總是抱著期待。始終堅定的相信，哪天能揭開蒙在他外表那層偽裝，得到孩子誠心的信任，一切都會有轉機。

我願意每個孩子，都是潛力無窮的「神祕的十六號」！

老人可以做啥...

楚丘先生行年七十，披蓑帶索，往見孟嘗君。
孟嘗君曰：「先生老矣，春秋高矣，多遺忘矣，何以教文？」
楚丘先生曰：「噫！將我而老乎？噫！將使我追車而赴馬乎？投石而超距乎？逐麋鹿而搏虎豹乎？吾已死矣！何暇老哉！
噫！將使我出正辭而當諸侯乎？決嫌疑而定猶豫乎？吾始壯矣，何老之有！」
孟嘗君赧然，汗出至踵，逡巡避席，曰：「文過矣，文過矣！」

詩》曰：「老夫灌灌，小子蹻蹻。」 言老夫欲盡其謀，而少者驕而不受也。秦穆公所以敗其師，殷紂所以亡天下也。
故書曰：「黃髮之言，則無所愆。”《詩》曰：“壽胥與試。」 美用老人之言以安國也。


翻譯:

七十歲的窮老頭, 楚丘先生想要去做齊國孟嘗君的門客.
孟嘗君接見了這個老頭, 心裡有點不以為然, 說:
先生那麼老了, 年紀這麼大, 恐怕有很多事情都記不住了吧, 不知道有何見教?

楚丘先生微微一笑回道:
咦, 我真的老了嗎? 你是要我去賽車嗎? 還是要我去參加奧林匹克? 再不然, 難道要我去非洲參加 safari? 那我早就玩完了. 哪還有心情感覺自己老?! 不過話又說回來, 如果你是要我到聯合國去和外國脣槍舌劍一番, 或著是幫你做些重大的決定, 那我不過正當壯年哩! 怎麼會老?!

孟嘗君聽了, 臉紅心跳, 推開桌子出來, 向楚丘先生說:
唉, 先生, 我真是錯了, 我真是錯了啊!

侯文詠--歐遊雜記 :p

◎侯文詠
朱自清曾寫過膾炙人口的歐遊雜記。不過，以下這篇是一個太太口述的親身經歷：

我記得，我和我 先生第一次出國，就參加去歐洲的旅行團。
有一個早上，旅行團沒有安排行 程，我告訴我先生說：好不容易到了歐洲，
待在飯店太浪費了，我們一定要安排一些行程。

我先生被我吵得沒有辦法，只好硬著頭皮到飯店的櫃檯去看看。
沒退休前，我先生 在家裡，每天都收聽空中英文教學，
我以為他的程度多厲害，沒想到，一到櫃檯，根本一竅 不通。

最後，我們只好隨便挑選了最便宜，並且有巴士來飯店接送的行程。
我記得櫃檯 的人，一邊收錢，一邊呼嚕呼嚕地跟我先生在比手畫腳些什麼，我先
生根本聽不懂，就只好猛點 頭，還回頭自信滿滿地告訴我： 「管他的，去了再說。」

巴士把我們送到目的地，交代回程的時間地點之後就離開了。
一下車，只看見一座 覆蓋著白雪的山頭，還有纜車來來去去，跟簡介上的照片都不一樣。
「大概因為是冬天的緣故吧！」我先生說：「反正跟著人群走就對了。」
我們穿越遊客中心來到了纜車入口，這才發現原來所有的人都要坐纜車上山。
耐心地排了將近二十分鐘，等到快輪到我們上纜車時，
我忽然感到尿急，想上廁所。

我先生不耐煩地說：「妳什麼時候不尿急，快排到了，妳才尿急？」
我沒好氣地說：「我又不是故意的。」
「上頭一定有廁所！」他用一種鄙視的表情說：「妳可不可以稍忍耐一下？」
想起來就很氣，我根本不應該聽他的話的。 等我們搭纜車到了山頭，才發現山上
根本沒有廁所，這裡是給人滑雪的地方， 大部分的人都是直接滑下山去的。
我們決定折返遊客中心上廁所。

不幸的是，下山的纜車入口也擠滿排隊的人潮。
一看到這個情 況，我再也憋不住了，開始 和我 先生大吵，特吵。
我先生終於 受不了了，帶我到一個較偏僻的角落， 讓我背向山坡，他就站在前
面掩護，順便替我把風。
老實說，我很不願意這樣，可是情況實在太緊急了。
我拉下褲 子開始方便，忽然一陣刺骨的冷風吹過來， 我正要大叫時，人已經往
後栽，屁股插進雪地，倒退著往山下滑了。

好幾次，我幾乎撞到滑雪的人，可是我的速度愈來愈快，一 點都無法控制。
還沒到山下，我早嚇昏過去。
等我醒來時，我先生還在山頭上，直昇機已經來了。 我想我的屁股大概凍壞了，
可是我慌亂得忘了叫痛。
臨上飛機前，我一直嚷著：「我先生，還在上面排隊坐纜車。」
糟糕的是沒有人聽得懂我在說什麼？
醫生幫我塗藥，包紮好之後，把我送到急診室趴在病床上等候。 我愈等愈擔心，
人生地不熟，言語不通，偏偏我先生又不來。

幸好這時隔壁床送來一個病人。 我一聽他哎喲哎喲的叫，就知道他會說中文。
我心想：總算有個對象可以說話了。
「你怎麼了？」我問他。
「骨折。」
「怎麼會骨折？」
「說了你一定不信，剛剛滑雪，看到有人光著屁股，還是倒退著滑雪， 一不小心
就跌成了這樣，這些歐洲人實在很會搞笑……」
他問我：「妳呢？怎麼會躺在這裡？」 我？就在我啞口無言時，我先生終於
趕到了。 看到我先生時，我真是百感交集，眼淚都快流出來了。
可惜他一定以為在歐洲沒人聽得懂中文，一衝進急診室就氣急敗壞地對我嚷著：
「我叫妳蹲在那裡小便，可沒叫妳用屁股當雪撬，表演特技滑下山去！」

從『侯文詠極短篇』選出來的，這本書文章都很簡短，也很有趣，有空沒事可以拿來增廣見聞。

Different kinds of actors

Some actors are very good at certain roles.
Is it because of their faces? Or is it because of their manners?

Some actors are very versatile.
I wonder why?

停雲 陶淵明

停雲，思親友也。罇湛新醪，園列初榮。願言不從，歎息彌襟。

靄靄停雲，濛濛時雨。八表同昏，平路伊阻。靜寄東軒，春醪獨撫。良朋悠邈，搔首延佇。
停雲靄靄，時雨濛濛。八表同昏，平陸成江。有酒有酒，閑飲東窗。願言懷人，舟車靡從。
東園之樹，枝條再榮。競用新好，以怡余情。人亦有言，日月于征。安得促席，說彼平生。
翩翩飛鳥，息我庭柯。歛翮閑止，好聲相和。豈無他人，念子實多。願言不獲，抱恨如何。

罇: 音尊
湛: 音站
醪: 音牢
翮: 音核

8 and half

I watched 8 and 1/2 today. I watched nine first, then I realized how big 8 and 1/2 was. I finally gave in the temptation.

The Italian was spoken swiftly in 8 and 1/2. I had a hard time to follow the subtitles. One thing certainly surprised me was that 8 and 1/2 was not a musical. Since I was lured in with the knowledge of nine. The two were 85% the same thing. The difference was that each of the women in Nine were more clearly defined. It was not the case with 8 and 1/2, on the contrary there were only 3 women, who made strong impression in me. The others were mostly in chaos. This chaotic feeling could be contributed to my difficulty of following the English subtitles, but only a little bit.

The charm of the story is because of the protagonist, the director. It seemed that the director had a huge gap between him and the world around him, emotionally. To me, there was a strong undercurrent of insecurity that caused him emotionally distancing himself from the world. There are two constant themes in the movie which caught my attention. One of them was when director kept thinking back to his youth, which involved a lot of youthful wonderment about sex. The other was lie and truth, but more of the fear of telling the truth.

The director always had this boyish charm. He is good looking. But he was rarely emotional besides a short burst of excitement. His wife kept calling him a lier, saying he could not tell a truth. Ironically, he never denied it. The director himself kept telling his colleague or friends that he wanted to tell no lie no more, but truth. It seemed that truth was so hard to come by.

I feel that the sexual desire and his youth was somehow related. It could not be separated. The director was surrounded by beautiful women, most of them cling on the director for something. In one scenes he seemed to have a huge authority over the women around him, in his imagination. Although all the women in his imagination turned on him eventually.

I think this movie was a classic to study of male... lol

Ashby's party

Ashby is a cat. His owner, aunt Hu Yin, invited her friends to join this party every year since the adoption.

Here are the replying emails from her friends:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shu-shu and Ah-yi, Ge-ge and Jie-jie:

I am going to throw a party as a gesture of appreciation to my dearest mother for taking care of me for the past seven years. All Ashby fans and lovers are invited.

Date: 5 pm to 9 pm, Saturday, May 21
Place: Function room, 1st Fl., XX* St. , XX*

Please let me know what kind of foods you would like me to prepare. Or you can join me in catching our food in the condo basement...

Please RSVP.

Best regards,
Ashby


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh my gosh, Ashby,

You are getting better and better in planning parties.



Thank you for inviting us to your party. We will be there. I will make the baby-back ribs.

I might also bring Nacho (not food, my cat) as well.



Take care!



Love

Antie XXca*

----------------------------------------------------------------------

@shby,

Sorry, I am pretty bad with cat talks - I rely on body language when I
think it works - but since this is an email hope you can understand my
English. If you have problem please let me know, I can try Chinese next
time.

But, thanks for the invitation!

We have marked the calendar and will go to the party. We will try to
bring something but are not sure what yet (fingers tapping...)

XXXh* Shu-shu

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ashby,

Your XXg shu shu and Hxx Ay-yi would NOT miss this party by any chance. Your hairy friend is a different story. He bit his Dad two days ago badly and is grounded forever. I'll bring something, that's all I can now. Not sure what. Well, thank you very much to invite us. We're be there.

Hxx* Ay-hi.

------------------------------------------------------------


My Dear Ashby,

It has been a long cold year! But I still remember I was left out alone in CA, while you guys had a great time. It looked like you all enjoyed the party with a big cake and I could only look at the picuture of the cake on internet.

So, don't think about I'll miss this party again this year. Just to make sure you remember what you have done to me last year, I'll bring something but NOT cat food.

Your grouchy uncle XXX*

------------------------------------------------------------

Ashby,

Thanks you for your invitation. We have another commitment in the same evening and could not come to the party this time. Looking forward to seeing you again. I like the coffee your Mom made.


Best regards,

xxx's* family

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ashby,
Thank you so much for the invitation. We would love to come to your party but on early May, we were invited the same date by one of my students to her home for a dinner party from 4-6 and she has also give us the ticket for her dancing performance from 7-9 pm.
I know you all will have a great time and hope next time when we host a party in my house, you and your brother can joint us !

thank you again !
Mrs. Sxxx*

------------------------------------------------------------

Hi,

We are looking forward to seeing you ( Ashby ) and all your mom's friends this Saturday.

YC and XXX

------------------------------------------------------------



*: not real names.

objectivity

objectivity creates distance.

where is the milkman

where is the milkman?(pychonauts)
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?

I am a lean mean machine. (simpson's hit and run)
I am a lean mean machine.
I am a lean mean machine.

Eat my dust, dust eater. (simpson's hit and run)
Eat my dust, dust eater.

每下愈況

很有趣, 像我現在, 無法講話, 我就想到, 唱歌的重要, 朗誦的重要, 背書的重要...

這是每下愈況, 還是想找的理由下臺, 保住面子?

朗誦

朗誦在古中國是很重要的一個學習方法. 到了五四之後, 新的學習方法逐漸不重視朗誦. 曾經有作家描述他中小學時遇到挺白話文的老師跟他說, 不要朗誦, 默讀就好了. 因為這個作家曾在私塾上過課, 朗誦是入門功課. 我在小學的時候一開始上課, 其實仍是朗誦. 老師在臺上念一句, 臺下的同學跟一句. 念熟了, 即使不能背誦, 看到課文也可以像是自己說話一樣, 瀟灑的說出來. 我現在的感覺是, 朗誦把躲在中文裡的中國語言帶出來. 這不分白話還是文言. 一種強烈的語感, 一種屬於中國的語感好像節奏, 在口裡念誦的時候, 長短快慢, 不斷流出.

我一直有一個感覺, 那就是中國的辭彙其實就是歐洲或甚至所有用音符的文化國家們的 vocabulary. 這當中有更複雜的關係. 但是基本上就是這樣. 中國所謂成語其實就是幾個聲音定型, 但是又比普統詞彙複雜一點的辭彙, 而這辭彙又已經普遍到大家用口語就可瞭解. 所以我以前常聽歐美人都要記憶 vocabulary, 但是中國人不需要. 實際上, 中國人也要! 尤其是五四後, 白話文越來越流行, 約定俗成的辭彙愈來愈多. 又怎麼可以不背呢.

我現在, 既不和別人說話, 也不朗誦. 我的中文辭彙愈來愈單調. 但是問題不僅僅是如此. 問題更在於說, 我可以看的懂中文, 幾乎任何白話文都可以. 但是, 我的嘴巴要說話的時候卻只能用幾個簡單的辭彙. 這個問題和我說英文一樣. 這個問題並不在於說我不知道辭彙, 因為我看到的時候我是知道的. 但是當我要用的時候, 我就辭窮了, 舌頭打結, 腦袋空白. 我所想要說的完全無法描繪. 我心裡所感受的, 無法轉換成語言, 或文字. 在心裡的感受, 像海浪一樣, 排山倒海的湧來. 語言和文字似乎是我和世界的橋樑, 但是如今, 這橋似乎斷掉了.

既然不和別人講話, 我在想, 朗誦會不會有幫助?

Bulls vs Heat

I watched the first game in the eastern championship series. Bulls was incredible on their defense. The intensity of the defense was so amazing. I have not seen this level of intensity in defense in NBA... People diving outbound balls, chasing after players from behind after picking roll... A great game to watch. Hope they could keep up the intensity.

Titus Andronicus

I love Julie Taymor's version of the play.
The scene where Titus pleaded to the Roman nobles for his sons's lives was splendid. At least it moved me.

It is weird that there were many weird and not historically accurate settings.
But it is very powerful somehow. It was like a raw meat market, where the blood was the only flavor, the emotion ran its nakedest course.

I do believe Harold Bloom said in his book, the Western Canon, that story moved the readers, it is not a matter of moral. It is the reader who will materialize, and crystallize the things they read. The moral was then formed. But it is not in the material itself.

我最喜歡的華語片

黃飛鴻 1~3(徐克李連杰)
報告班長
霸王別姬
倩女幽魂
英雄本色 1~2
魯冰花
警察故事 1~3
變臉王
新龍門客棧
新不了情
好小子

ringa ding dang ding

ringa ding dang ding.

pongba do lang dang
ya boo la di da
in haloomba dam
ba lang ba lang dong
tin tin tan tan koon
shisha shisha boo mu di
bagahbagah

doodadoo

I am going away. Looking out of the window.
This might break my mom's heart.
But I have to go. I have made the decision.


a mile from the house...three miles from the house...ten miles from the house...


I am scared. I am so scared.
Grrrr....they all laughed at me when I said I want to go away.
They must know I could not do it...

Should I keep going?
Should I ignore my fear?

My mom's heart might be broken by me leaving the house...
Let's go back...


lol a coward is always a coward.

future

My mom is in terrible shape. Her nose started to bleed these two days. Her right foot started to hurt. She could not sleep at night. She cut herself extremely bad three days ago while trying to cut onions. She is restless. It all started out after my episode three weeks ago. I had a few of that in the past month. I said many hurtful things. I knew things about my mom, too many things. I think this is it. Something are never meant to be said. And I said it.

My mom keeps saying if she died, I will be the one struck the most. And I knew it is true. But I could not find a way out. I can not decide what to do! It is my fault. I focus too much on her. And yet, I know I need to find a way. I know if I find a way, she will be happy. But I dare not to step out. A coward. And the worst, I blamed her for many things. That seemed to become my way. Or how do I explain the outbreak episodes???? I love my mom, but I was so very annoyed by her words, her worries, and her aging. Still so many I's....

This is extremely unfair to her. She endured 15 years for my sister and I in Usa. Nobody wants to be in her position. She is all alone in these 15 years. My father passed away 17 years ago. But even if my father did not pass away, she will still be very lonely. Because my father to my mom was more husband, than companion. At least that is how I feel. Maybe by another 17 years, things might have changed. Anyway, I understand all these. I don't need other people to recount everything to me. Only if I had a way out, to the society, to the point where I could stand on my feet. But no, instead I hid in my mother's house. What can she do? She is watching all her life's work wasted. A son. That is another heartbreak. A heartbreak no one would understand if he or she did not go through for themselves. So everybody blamed her for my condition. Yes, my mother went to mainland China to celebrate my grandfather's 90th birthday this year. Everyone, including my Mom's oldest sister told her to let me go. No one understands how hurtful that is better than me, a coward. A blackhole. It keeps sucking things in without giving anything in return. After that, I am irritable, I am emotional, I am inconsistent, blah blah blah, everything that I am I only showed it to my mom. My sister knows it too. But no one knows son better than his mother. Everything is a burden to the soul. To her soul.

Through my recollection, after we came to Usa, my high school year consisted of ESL class with first Roger, Sky, then Henry, Dan, Eric, Steve; my mother's fight with my sister; we were kicked out of my uncle's house in our first half year; some yard works in my uncle's back yard; Mr. Costello; and my drawings. Where were my mom? Working. Working a job she hated, feeling degraded. What I remembered most is her fights with my sister. These fights lasted until I dropped out College. It lasted until my sister was married.

Yeah, I felt left out. After I got to the college, it was probably stressful. But I never really said much. In fact, I do not remember I felt the need to complain. But the situation was dire when I think back. I was increasingly isolated in my classes and social circles. I kept trying different physical exercises, trying martial arts on my own, and joined art of living program. But no, the injury from my past kept my from trying martial arts, art of living program became weary. The first semester in my second year was no better. I hated my room mate, I isolated myself in the classes, I felt blank or freeze when talking to people. I started to seek out things that relaxed me, like video games, collecting photos from internet, going to library to read Chinese collection. I do not remember I complain too much about school to my families, except my roommate and food. Although I ate so much each meal. My second semester started when my roommate left. I got the room to myself. I was rejoiced. I started to hugging the room, also quitting classes.

I went to Tibet summer 2002.

I thought I could started my third year by switching major from Civil engineer to Biology and starting fresh. But not really. After the first quiz in organic chemistry, I started quitting classes, eventually attended no classes. I said nothing, complained nothing. All these time, I still got calls from my mother, complaining all the fights. Of course, She also asked me how was college. But I could not bear the complaining anymore. I broke down crying once in front of my room mate. I was extremely unstable then. That summer, I dropped out.

All the years after I dropped out, I did nothing. Dan went back to south Korea and finished his college there. My sister stepped behind my mother becoming a Jehovah Witness as well. I got two kitties. My mom does not like kitties, but she loves me. However, I am so not damn lovable anymore. After my father passed away, I could not get rid off the feeling that I killed him. And I have a feeling that I will one day kill my mom. This is it. I could not get out there. I dare not show myself to the world, I kill those who loves me the most.

It is I who got a problem and could not solve it. I drag my mother through dirt and mud killing her. Here I titled the whole thing "future". I am recounting a past. For future is only death. It is just a matter of order.

I played tennis today

I played tennis today. Roger emailed a group invitation to play tennis today. There were eight people including Roger and I. We played from 6 to 8. Most of the players were from Andover.

It reminded me how it was when I was in a group setting like this long time ago. That was my last year in college. I joined this Taiwan student club. I was blank in all the conversation. The only thing I wanted to do is to hide myself. It felt like I was the empty space. Same thing happened here. I can deal with strangers politely. But even chitchat is impossible. I am baffled by the situation. The language does not seem to be the issue there. I can speak Chinese at Taiwan student club's gathering. But no, My brain went freeze, mind went blank. I got no response inside of me. I do not say a word, but nod along.

Story board

I would like to propose a story. It is a story about Chinese history in America. I am a cliche guy, so my story would be very cliche. Here is the summary:

Two Chinese brothers came to America for the dream of gold, like many Irish, Usan, and other people all over the world at 1858. The older one was apprentice in a clothe store in Kwan tun , the younger one was a martial artist. They were both young, in their late teens. I might put older one in early twenty, might as well give him a wife at home as well.

But when the two brothers arrived the pacific shore of America, the gold rush was already waned. The big companies were taking over gold digging business. The two brothers' effort on finding gold was also met with White men's resistance. They encountered many events when they needed to decide they were going to confront challenge head on, or withdraw. The conflict did not only come from without, also within. The two brothers, one volatile, one cautious; one read books, the other did not.

The ending could be a few here. But one thing is certain, two brother's destiny would be vastly different. One could be dead, and the other lived on. Once could leave the America at last, but one stayed on. Both could go to work in railroad. The policy of Usan government towards China men should be shown here. Those lawyers fighting for China men should be mentioned here also. How Chinese culture first came to America, how early Chinese lived in America should be the prime focus of the story. How to represent the six company? How about Chinese gangs?

What is so interesting is that the difference between older and younger brothers. Since one was educated in Chinese literature, the other was not. It could also be used to show the difference between the well versed Chinese and not so well versed ones. Here, how words of ancient was manifested in behavior, thoughts, and believes should play a critical role. IT is not to say that younger one should know less of ancient way of living or words. There was a rich culture of folklore and stories, and idioms that should also have the same weight as those came from books.

I want guns, I want fighting scenes, and I want discovery of new things. New things that white men saw, as well as the things China men saw. I want the two brothers contemplate what is the real meaning of being Chinese. Would they view themselves as having new identities after they stayed in America until they departed, alive or dead? How would they view the new comers from China? If one of them decide to go back to China, what is the thoughts an feeling racing through his mind? The image inside, what would it look like?

Drawing

I once drew a lot. I've always liked to draw.

When I came to Usa, attending high school, if there were any visible form of record, it would be drawing. I remembered the first time I drew on the black board in ESL class. Mr. Costello, my ESL teacher was fond of it. I was drawing his face for that night was parents' night, my first Usa high school parents' night. I said I was pretty good at drawing. Maybe I could draw Mr. Costello's face so my mom and uncle would find him more easily. Mr. Costello encouraged me to try. After I finished the drawing on the black board, Pat came in, and Mr. Costello said I should show Pat too. Pat was a very good artist.

From then on, I draw a lot. I enjoyed it a lot too. There were many things going around me which I felt secure enough. ESL class provided me with necessary shelter. I made almost no friends outside of ESL class. But I draw teachers, classmates, countless cartoons. When I was in my first year class English, we were studying Romeo and Juliet. I draw almost every scenes on the handout from Ms Gold. That was so much fun. The whole Romeo and Juliet was realized in front of me.

So, if I did not have pictures to show my years through high school, I still had my drawings. Until one night, I shredded everything when I was on vacation from college. I forgot the reason. The only thing I remembered was that I was in vain. I was crying and felt worthless. Tearing those drawing was like tearing myself up. That feeling could only be compared to the loss of Dong Dong.

I have a hard time to get into even doodling. When I was in my last college year, I attended basic drawing class. I found myself very hard to concentrate, obsessive in comparing myself to other people, and longing to be the center of attention was so great. Drawing at the time was impossible. After I dropped out, I still draw but only doodling, and only when I am outside in the public. My head is blank when I am alone.

urban chaos

I just got this game. This is a game from 1998. It's a very simple action game a little bit like GTA, to me at least. What attracts me was melee combat. It felt somehow like Oni, or actually vice versa. The melee was far inferior to Oni, but a few similarities stand out.

1. slide attack

2. melee, although much simpler, still reminds me of Oni.

3. take down moves are reminds me of Oni as well.

4. the interface on the game graphic is very similar too.


the differences:

1. it's like a GTA, you can drive, although driving mechanics are inferior.

2. the environment is more like GTA than Oni, it is usually on a city street with pedestrians.

3. you can hang on the edge in this game, Oni lacks this.

4. the control on the PC does not incorporate mouse.

5. lock on mechanic is a hard lock on.



conclusion: Oni borrows heavy from this game, but with a much more robust melee mechanic. The hang on edge mechanics however produce a new dimension for the game which Oni lacks. To create a game with Oni's melee in a open world style game is quite possible. The most important thing is still how to design a mission.

Trust

I lost trust long time ago. That is why, not much could really shock me. There are million of things that sadden me, but not shock. Shock felt more like an excitement.

I wish to regain some trust. But every human being will have flaw. But most importantly, they don't behave the way I expected. I am easily discouraged by this. Although I am perfectly aware that is normal. I need to ask myself, why do I lost trust? I hate people mainly because of them, myself? Do I trust myself?

The answer to that question is a big NO. I am in conflict with my Father. Whenever I thought of him, I can not escape from the guilt. Sure, I can also reason in both ways. Pro or con. But no, I do not want reasoning anymore! I am in confusion with my mom. If I wanted to do something that she disagreed, what should I do? I do not want to disappoint her, yet I do not want to give in. I already felt guilty towards her. But my desire is furious.

But most importantly, I am stuck in between choices. I am stuck. I would feel I am capable of doing something awesome, but at the same time, I feel the opposite. Yes, very cliche. Cliche to the point I would like to pull my eyes out and open my ribs, rips my heart out, thrust my arms down my throat and yanked out my lungs! I absolutely disgusted with myself. A coward, and I wonder if I am a sociopath. I feel I am manipulating people surround me. I don't understand why I do not take my life. I used to think that I should suffer hunger, cold, and wet after my mom pass away. I used all her resources, I made her miserable. I should suffer. But to a coward, death is all he fears. Death I should get.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I need to find a way to trust again. I need to trust. Trust brings the feeling of security. Even it is an illusion. Hahahahahaha, "even it is an illusion"??? That's not trust?! hahahahahahahaha

About Dreamfall

Dreamfall was unique. It has action elements in it. I recall many other adventure games with action elements in it, like Gabriel Knight 3, king's quest Mask of Eternity.

Adventure games require a lot of puzzle solving, which slows down the game flow sometimes to a grind. Action on the other hand, need to be in a more incessant flow so the players could feel the movements. These look like a conflict. However, both games already tried hard to borrow each other's difference to create rhythm.

Dreamfall is unique, because in its core, it is an adventure game. The added action elements, which really is just elemental, are really not necessary in most part. The more interesting design should be the vision field. There is no need for cursor in action games. But in adventure games, it is essential for most games in the genre. For, examining the minuscule detail in the graphics. It's one of the reason, adventure games ventured into realistic graphic first. Action on the other hand, does not require players to look at the details. As long as the graphic representable, it's good enough. Most of the puzzles in action are done by action mechanics in the game, such as breaking boxes, which is big enough and easy enough to be recognized. However, Dreamfall's vision field is the key to blend the two genres.

Hero

What can be counted as a hero? A hero

Randomara

Headache. No, not really. Just very heavy.

I like to create story. And I like to tell it to other people. Since I was in first grade, my two best friends were loyal audiences. If I could not find my friends, my sister would be my audience. I used her dolls and my action figures to create a theater. There was a hero, who was awesome in martial arts and no one can beat him up. He had many friends, then one day, he fell in love with this woman. He married her. Or maybe I would tell a story, made up by me, about an old house near my home at Jing Hua street. This creepy house had an unfortunate owner, who passed away, but never really left this place. This ghost needed to walk the streets in certain orders. Ah, that is right! One of my friends' house was in the way! lol

Now, I don't have an audience. I am afraid that my imagination is no good. In fact, I know it is not good. So I tell no one about the story in my head. That's okay, I am my own audience. There is a hero, no matter how difficult the process, he will always have his beloved woman with him. Even though he could be in a delirious state before he die, and what his saw was an illusion. At least other people could not see what he saw. I could only talk to myself now. I felt confused about other people. And I feel confused about what I feel.


So many I's...

I want to die. I felt so apart from this whole thing. I am weary. So many I's. So many I's. Are these really I?

What is it that I withheld? Is it because I am waiting for a word to be uttered before I could talk regularly again? What is it? Felt like living in glass world.

What is it I want? What if something I want is impossible for me to control? Maybe I should exchange with something I... So many I's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do I regret?

One of the most used TV/Moive lines is when someone weaver between telling someone they love them, or not, some other people or sometimes themselves, would say, "if you/I don't do this now, I would regret forever..."

Do I regret now?

No. Not really. However, I cannot shake off the longing for a intimate relationship, where I would not lose a sense of security.

We

The identity of we is interesting. I just read somewhere, forgot where, that when people find new perspective, they sometimes find now identity. That means people find themselves in a new "We". When Marxist theory comes along, a European factory worker felt a connection with a Worker in China. When most Europeans got converted to Christianity, a Byzantine's cry for help would move the whole Europe, even though, there's not much tie in blood, history, cultures.

How to form a new identity should be a good question for inquiry. There must be something people can feel by their heart. It should be something that could be disturbed. Something that could disturbed may be an illusion, but it may also be a great and real cause. If the new identity was formed under an illusion, people will wake up one day and resolve to things that matters most to life. It is incredibly hard to face the fact that their youth were wasted in a lie. Although lie it may be, it is also their youth. And they will cherish it with a paradoxical feeling. It would be the embodiment powerlessness, guilt, and hatred. Escape is the only route, and escape towards the physical desire, material enjoyment was an easy route.

Identity is not easy to come by. Once it came, it is hard to shake off. Identity could be formed in an illusion, but it could also be an illusion if people pretends they have the identity.

遊戲

遊戲. 早已被證實很重要. 但是, 我現在感覺極度重要. 簡直就是太重要. 為啥哩? 因為它需要規則. 想要參與的人都要遵守規則. 但是, 更重要的是, 製作遊戲的人需要了解規則和遊戲的關係. 而這個對於人們了解自己和對方都有深遠影響. 對於生活規則, 法律風俗忌諱, 都會有重新的認識!

這裡的遊戲包括, 電子, 戰旗, 或是其他.

我們對於一棵古松的三種態度 朱光潛

我們對於一棵古松的三種態度 朱光潛
誰都知道，一切事物都有幾種看法、你說一件事物是美的或是醜的，這也只是一種看法。換一個看法，你說它是真的或是假的；再換一種看法，你說它是善的或是惡的。同是一件事物，看法有多種，所看出來的現象也就有多種。
比如園裡那一棵古松，無論是你是我或是任何人一看到它，都說它是古松。但是你從正面看，我從側面看，你以幼年人的心境去看，我以中年人的心境去看，這些情境和性格的差異都能影響到所看到的古松的面目。古松雖只是一件事物，你所看到的和我所看到的古松卻是兩件事。假如你和我各把所得的古松的印象晝成一幅晝或是寫成一首詩，我們倆藝術手腕儘管不分上下，你的詩和晝與我的詩和晝相比較，卻有許多重要的異點。這是什麼緣故呢？這就由於知覺不完全是客觀的，各人所見到的物的形象都帶有幾分主觀的色彩。
假如你是一位木商，我是一位植物學家，另外一位朋友是畫家，三人同時來看這棵古松。我們三人可以說同時都「知覺」到這一棵樹，可是三人所「知覺」到的卻是三種不同的東西。你脫離不了你的木商的心習，你所知覺到的只是一棵做某事用值幾多錢的木料。我也脫離不了我的植物學家的心習，我所知覺到的只是一棵葉為針狀、果為球狀、四季常青的顯花植物。我們的朋友－畫家－什麼事都不管，只管審美，他所知覺到的只是一棵蒼翠勁拔的古樹。我們三人的反應態度也不一致。你心裡盤算它是宜於架屋或是製器，思量怎樣去買它，砍它，連它。我把它歸到某類某科裡去，注意它和其他松樹的異點，思量它何以活得這樣老。我們的朋友卻不這樣東想西想，他只在聚精會神地觀賞它的蒼翠的顏色，它的盤屈如龍蛇的線紋以及它的昂然高舉、不受屈撓的氣概。
從此可知這棵古松並不是一件固定的東西，它的形象隨觀者的性格和情趣而變化。各人所見到的古松的形象都是各人自己性格和情趣的返照。古松的形象一半是天生的，一半也是人為的。極平常的知覺都帶有幾分創造性；極客觀的東西之中都有幾分主觀的成分。
美也是如此。有審美的眼睛才能見到美。這棵古松對於我們的晝晝的朋友是美的，因為他去看它時就抱了美感的態度。你和我如果也想見到它的美，你須得把你那種木商的實用的態度丟開，我須得把植物學家的科學的態度丟開，專持美感的態度去看它。


這三種態度有什麼分別呢？
先說實用的態度。做人的第一件大事就是維持生活。既要生活，就要講究如何利用環境。「環境」包含我自己以外的一切人和物在內，這些人和物有些對於我的生活有益，有些對於我的生活有害，有些對於我不關痛癢。我對於他們於是有愛惡的情感，有趨就或逃避的意志和活動。這就是實用的態度。實用的態度起於實用的知覺，實用的知覺起於經驗。小孩子初出世，第一次遇見火就伸手去抓，被它燒痛了，以後他再遇見火，便認識它是什麼東西，便明瞭它是燒痛手指的，火對於他於是有意義。事物本來都是很混亂的，人為便利實用起見，才像被火燒過的小孩子根據經驗把四周事物分類立名，說天天吃的東西叫做「飯」，天天穿的東西叫做「衣」，某種人是朋友，某種人是仇敵，於是事物才有所謂「意義」。意義大半都起於實用。在許多人看，衣除了是穿的，飯除了是吃的，女人除了是生小孩的一類意義之外，便尋不出其他意義。所謂「知覺」，就是感官接觸某種人或物時心裡明瞭他的意義。明瞭他的意義起初都只是明瞭他的實用。明瞭實用之後，才可以對他起反應動作，或是愛他，或是惡他，或是求他，或是拒他，木商看古松的態度便是如此。
科學的態度則不然。它純粹是客觀的，理論的。所謂客觀的態度就是把自己的成見和情感完全丟開，專以「無所為而為」的精神去探求真理。理論是和實用相對的。理論本來可以見諸實用，但是科學家的直接目的卻不在於實用。科學家見到一個美人，不說我要去向她求婚，她可以替我生兒子，只說我看她這人很有趣味，我要來研究她的生理構造，分析她的心理組織。科學家見到一堆糞，不說它的氣味太壞，我要掩鼻走開，只說這堆糞是一個病人排泄的，我要分析它的化學成分，看看有沒有病菌在裡面。科學家自然也有見到美人就求婚，見到糞就掩鼻走開的時候，但是那時候他已經由科學家還到實際人的地位了。科學的態度之中很少有情感和意志，它的最重要的心理活動是抽象的思考。科學家要在這個混亂的世界中尋出事物的關係和條理，納個物於概念，從原理演個例，分出某者為因，某者為果，某者為特徵，某者為偶然性。植物學家看古松的態度便是如此。
木商由古松而想到架屋、製器、賺錢等等，植物學家由古松而想到根莖花葉、日光水分等等，他們的意識都不能停止在古松本身上面。不過把古松當作一塊踏腳石，由它跳到和它有關係的種種事物上面去。所以在實用的態度中和科學的態度中，所得到的事物的意象都不是獨立的、絕緣的，觀者的注意力都不是專注在所觀事物本身上面的。注意力的集中，意象的孤立絕緣，便是美感的態度的最大特點。比如我們的晝晝的朋友看古松，他把全副精神都注在松的本身上面，古松對於他使成了一個獨立自足的世界。他忘記他的妻子在家裡等柴燒飯，他忘記松樹在植物教科書裡叫做顯花植物，總而言之，古松完全占領住他的意識，古松以外的世界他都視而不見、聽而不聞了。他只肥古松擺在心眼面前當作一幅畫去玩味。他不計較實用，所以心中沒有意志和欲念；他不推求關係、條理、因果等等，所以不用抽象的思考。這種脫淨了意志和抽象思考的心理活動叫做「直覺」，直覺所見到的孤立絕緣的意象叫做「形象」。美感經驗就是形象的直覺，美就是事物呈現形象於直覺時的特質。
實用的態度以善為最高目的，科學的態度以真為最高目的，美感的態度以美為最高目的。在實用態度中，我們的注意力偏在事物對於人的利害，心理活動偏重意志：在科學的態度中，我們的注意力偏在事物問的互相關係，心理活動偏重抽象的思考；在美感的態度中，我們的注意力專在事物本身的形象，心理活動偏重直覺。真善美都是人所定的價值，不是事物所本有的特質。離開人的觀點而言，事物都混然無別，善惡、真偽、美醜就漫無意義。真善美都含有若干主觀的成分。
就「用」字的狹義說，美是最沒有用處的。科學家的目的雖只在辨別真偽，他所得的結果卻可效用於人類社會。美的事物如詩文、圖畫、雕刻、音樂等等都是寒不可以為衣，饑不可以為食的。從實用的觀點看，許多藝術家都是太不切實用的人物。然則我們又何必來講美呢？人性本來是多方的，需要也是多方的。真善美三者俱備才可以算是完全的人。人性中本有飲食欲，渴而無所飲，饑而無所食，固然是一種缺乏；人性中本有求知欲而沒有科學的活動，本有美的嗜好而沒有美感的活動，也未始不是一種缺之。真和美的需要也是人生中的一種饑渴－精神上的饑渴。疾病衰老的身體才沒有口腹的饑渴。同理，你遇到一個沒有精神上的饑渴的人或民族，你可以斷定他的心靈已到了疾病衰老的狀態。
人所以異於其他動物的就是於飲食男女之外還有更高尚的企求，美就是其中之一。是壺就可以貯茶，何必又求它形式、花樣、顏色都要好看呢？吃飽了飯就可以睡覺，何必又嘔心血去做詩、畫畫、奏樂呢？「生命」是與「活動」同義的，活動愈自由生命也就愈有意義。人的實用的活動全是有所為而為，是受環境需要限制的：人的美感的活動全是無所為而為，是環境不需要他活動而他自己願意去活動的，在有所為而為的活動中，人是環境需要的奴隸；在無所為而為的活動中，人是自己心靈的主宰。這是單就人說，就物說呢，在實用的和科學的世界中，事物都借著和其他事物發生關係而得到意義，到了孤立絕緣時就都沒有意義；但是在美感世界中它卻能孤立絕緣，卻能在本身現出價值。照這樣看，我們可以說，美是事物的最有價值的一面，美感的經驗是人生中最有價值的一面。
許多轟轟烈烈的英雄和美人都過去了，許多轟轟烈烈的成功和失敗也都過去了，只有藝術作品真正是不朽的。數千年前的「采采卷耳」和「孔雀東南飛」的作者還能在我們心裡點燃很強烈的火焰，雖然在當時他們不過是大皇帝腳下的不知名的小百姓。秦始皇併吞六國，統一車書，曹孟德帶八十萬人馬下江東，舳艫千里，旌旗蔽空，這些驚心動魄的成敗對於你有什麼意義？對於我有什麼意義？但是長城和「短歌行」對於我們還是很親切的，還可以使我們心領神會這些骸骨不存的精神氣魄。這幾段牆在，這幾句詩在，他們永遠對於人是親切的。悠悠的過去只是一片漆黑的天空，我們所以還能認識出來這漆黑的天空者，全賴思想家和藝術家所散布的幾點星光。朋友，讓我們珍重這幾點星光！讓我們也努力散布幾點星光去照耀那和過去一般漆黑的未來！

車子和人

車子跟人的關係和車子跟汽油的關係一不一樣?

車子沒有油有人也不能動; 車子沒有人有油也不能動. 人和汽油都是屬於物質. 這兩種物質都不屬於車子的一部分.
車子走在路上需要汽油和人. 快要沒油的時候, '駕駛' 會去找加油站. 可是加滿了油的車子, 卻不能夠發動車子去找一個駕駛人.

我想, 汽油和人還是有點不大一樣...

Youth

Youth
by Samuel Ullman

Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust.

Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what’s next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the Infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at twenty, but as long as your aerials are up, to catch the waves of optimism, there is hope you may die young at eighty.

划算

最近想吃回鍋肉
買了一個蹄膀.
先用肉桂八角酒
加鹽白滷煮熟
拿出來涼涼


蹄膀切片三分之一放下去
辣豆板, 甜麵醬, 醬油酒
豆腐乾大蔥扁豆莢
刷啦! 回鍋肉~

蹄膀三分之一
沾甜麵醬吃掉了

白滷湯拿出五分之一
煮甜菜湯
一小時後
湯紅如葡萄美酒

甜菜拿出來
涼一涼
薄桑咪可醋幾滴
涼拌菜
酸酸甜甜好吃啦
甜菜葉炒一炒
又是一道菜

剩下的蹄膀
和剩下的豆莢
還有五分之一的白滷湯
煮成麵湯
吃湯麵

蹄膀一磅一元三毛九
甜菜一把一元九毛九
六種用途
似乎還滿划算的啦...

一個有關音樂的問題

去年底, 在 mall 的走路班新加入了一個似乎很多人都知道的鋼琴老師和他的先生. 大家都叫他樊老師.

我一直都有一個有關音樂的問題. 這個問題是高中時一個叫 Henry 的朋友提出. 他說他不了解為什麼他老姊彈鋼琴時候都是靠譜彈. 這個朋友是非常聰明的, 他學的鋼琴是一種很特殊的方式. 以致於, 他可以隨時隨地自己用自己的當下的心情立刻及時演奏. 所以他覺得非常不能了解他老姊靠譜彈鋼琴. 他覺得靠譜彈就不能舒發自己的情感. 這讓我深感興趣, 當然我也不能了解.

有一天在去 mall 走路的車上聽到舅舅, 舅媽, 胡熒阿姨, 和鄭小萍阿姨聊天. 他們說到鄭小萍阿姨的兒子, 小胖. 小胖最近才出了自己的專輯, 所以車上的人都很感興趣. 我特別注意到鄭小萍阿姨講到說, 當小胖的技巧可以彈奏貝多芬的 Moonlight sonata, 很是興奮. 因為小胖從小就很喜歡這一首鋼琴曲. 但是, 樊老師在聽過小胖彈奏這首曲子後, 覺得小胖不適合這首曲子. 我聽到這裡覺得很有趣. 或許我可以拿 Henry 的問題來問問樊老師.

當天一結束繞圈子, 我就特地找樊老師, 希望他可以解解惑. 他似乎也滿高興有人可以討論音樂的事情. 我開門見山的說出我的問題. 他滿臉笑容的說, 要像 Henry 那樣是不簡單的. 他也滿羨慕這樣的人. 當他了解的問題的中心後, 他就開始解釋, 所謂樂譜其實是有很多種類型. 有的不能脫離作曲家原定的情緒範圍太遠, 有的卻是一開始就給予日後的詮釋者很大的發揮空間, 例如即興奏鳴等等. 我聽了似乎有恍然大悟的樣子! 直可惜我對於音樂知道的實在是太少, 終究只能是近視眼遙望十里外的寶塔...只知道寶塔尖尖的. 有幾層樓, 雕飾怎樣, 塔柱的彩繪如何都不能知道.

樊老師講講似乎興頭來了. 他更進一步舉個例子來說明, 情緒是非常重要的! 有一次, 他要教小學生彈一首題為 winter 的曲子. 曲子一開始輕快, 第二段慢下來, 第三段再度快起來, 最後一段又逐漸沉穩. 他為了要學生能夠體會每一段的感覺. 他會舉例子給小學生聽, 第一段的時候就好像看到冬天的第一朵雪, 那是多麼快樂! 因為下雪了就表示節日快到了, 也可以去滑雪了. 第二段裡慢下來的節奏就好像, 在假期裡, 去滑雪的路上. 那漫長的路途, 似乎就只是無盡的等待, 低頭靠著車窗, 抬起頭來時只是想問, are we there yet? 第三段又叮叮噹噹的輕快起來, 因為終於到了滑雪的目的地! 下車, 伸伸腰, 拉拉縮在車裡的腿, 再跳兩跳. 滑雪去! 第四個章節, 沉穩的結束似乎代表了那一天滑雪後, 身體滿足的躺在火爐旁, 疲累都因就著爐火的溫暖而鬆弛下來. 從父母手上也分到一杯熱巧克力. 天黑了, 夜深了, 在爸媽的帶領下, 終於安寧的在被子裡睡著了. 樊老師說這樣小孩子對於節奏就非常容易上手. 因為情緒和曲調比較容易相合.

這個問題真是一個好問題! 讓我有機會聽到這樣的事情.

早餐碎肉片

美而美漢堡肉排

材料：
豬絞肉 150公克
洋蔥末 1/3杯
蛋白 1個
調味料：
醬油 1/2大匙
糖 1/3大匙
胡椒粉 2小匙
中筋麵粉 1又1/2大匙
作法：
(1) 將洋蔥洗淨去皮切末備用。
(2) 再將絞肉、洋蔥末、蛋白與調味料一起攪拌均勻成漢堡肉餡。
(3) 將漢堡肉餡用手塑成圓球後，用手掌壓扁成高約3公分的扁圓形。
(4) 熱油鍋，將漢堡肉放入兩面煎熟即可。
(5) 食用時可淋上番茄醬或A1醬。
備註：
在材料方面可使用豆腐代替一半份量的絞肉，既健康又可降低熱量，增加飽足感，同時也比較經濟喔！

how to translate "I" into Chinese?

英文的「Ｉ」中文怎麼翻譯 ? 老外聽了老師一席話，頓覺冷水澆頭

有一個老外為了學好漢語，不遠萬里，來到中國，拜師于一位國學教授門下。第一天老外想挑一個簡單詞彙學習，便向老師請教英語〝Ｉ〞在漢語中應該如何說......

老師解釋道：中國是一個官本位國家，當你處在不同的級別、地位，〝Ｉ〞也有不同的變化，就象你們英語中的形容詞有原級、比較級、最高級一樣。

比如，你剛來中國，沒有地位，對普通人可以說：

我、咱、俺、餘、吾、予、儂、某、咱家、洒家、俺咱、本人、個人、人家、吾儂、我儂。

如果見到老師、長輩和上級，則應該說：

區區、僕、鄙、愚、走、鄙人、卑人、敝人、鄙夫、鄙軀、鄙愚、貧身、小子、小可、在下、末學、小生、不佞、不才、不材、小材、不肖、不孝、不類、走狗、牛馬走、愚

小子、鄙生、貧生、學生、後學、晚生、學生、後生晚學、予末小子、予小子、餘小子。

等到你當了官以後，見到上級和皇帝，則應該說：

職、卑職、下官、臣、臣子、小臣、鄙臣、愚臣、奴婢、奴才、小人、老奴、小的、小底。

見到平級，則可以說：

愚兄、為兄、小弟、兄弟、愚弟、哥們。

見到下級，則可以說：

爺們、老子、大老子、你老子、乃公。

如果你混得好，當上了皇帝或王爺，則可以說：

朕、孤、孤王、孤家、寡人、不轂。

如果你不願意當官，只好去當和尚、道士、應該說：

貧道、小道、貧僧、貧衲、不慧、小僧、野僧、老衲、老僧。

最後一點必須注意，一旦你退休了，便一下子失去了權利和地位，見人也矮了三分，只好說：

老朽、老拙、老夫、愚老、老叟、小老、小老兒、老漢、老可、老軀、老僕、老物、朽人、老我、老骨頭。

上面一百零八種〝Ｉ〞，僅僅 是男性的常用說法。

更多的〝Ｉ〞明天講解。老外聽了老師一席話，頓覺冷水澆頭，一個晚上沒有睡好覺。

第二天一大早向老師辭行：學生、愚、不材、末學、走。退了房間，訂了機票，回國去了。

Inside job

I watched this documentary yesterday. My feeling was that deregulation was the result of the ending of cold war. Rather than pinning everything onto evil rich people, what we could learn is to make a clear case for the ideology and reality.

Let me elaborate a little. I think inside job provided us a clear picture of the process of how we get to this situation. But it did not provide a good enough cause of the situation. The world is a funny place. Is it clear which one is the cause? Maybe, maybe not. When the industrial revolution started, capitalism flourishes, socialism was then born, which bore communism. Then the rise of communism after WW2, strengthen the position of ideology, for which so called "free" western European Countries-United States proudly took the plight onto their own shoulder. Then when the Soviet collapsed in such a speed. When the huge pressure was suddenly lifted, the opposite ideology from communism lost its containment over night. People on the winning side started to believe they won, their ideology was triumphant. Now it is time to be really free. And all the evil traits of capitalism were finally revealed without the check of regulations, imposed by financial institution itself, or political institution.

That is more of a real cause of deregulation. The problem is not regulation or no regulation. Everyone knows that being free does not mean anarchy, well, for most people anyway. So the problem should always be how to regulate, how much is necessary, what to regulate.

I always remembered Federalist paper from USA founding fathers. It clearly said that we, human are filthy and untrustworthy. No one can escape from that. I think this documentary proved the description above was right. Now, we know the cause of the problem and the process of the financial melt down. I think we could have a certain balance to move forward.

afraid of deterioated

You know how a relation get so bad, especially a natural one? What I mean by natural one? I meant the relations within direct family? Many of them are like they have grudge against each other before they were even born.

But it is not. The relationship is deteriorated through time. But time is a concept with no meaning without action in it. So action through time is how relation strengthened or deteriorated.

I feel that we have a big overall feeling towards somebody. But I also have a everyday emotions that varied from this overall feeling. Because things change. And our emotion changes with things. But this overall feeling did not really change with things. Since somebody is a natural tie, which cannot be severed through any means, except extreme ego. But even extreme ego is fed up through action through time. Someone can have strong ego at the birth. But to become super self centered, that required some work.

How not to betray that overall feeling but also kept balanced with everyday emotion is important to learn.

the relation of expressions of two sides of brain

I heard somewhere that our two brains acted very differently. One is a chatter box, the other is a silent hill. The left brain uses words and sounds to express itself. But the right one uses pictures and shapes. One of the earliest experiments was to severe the connection between left and right brain. The result helped many who suffered epilepsy. The researcher found out later that the two sides grew separately. But what is the major difference between those who severed the connection between right and left, and those who did not?

When I see something, I do not always use words to describe them. In fact, I merely just stare at it. But what happened when I started to use words to describe them? What about vice versa? That is I closed my eyes and start to say something randomly. But at the same time, I waited after I uttered each word to form a picture in my brain. What I am saying is that instead of separating the two sides, what if we find a way to strengthen the connection between the two. What would this do to human being?

Reading a book is like the second act I described above. When we read a book with vivid description, avid readers would also have the description in pictures. Or at least, even if the readers have not seen the described, they could still summon up similar stuff in the past. The picture formed would that be in the right brain? If so, would reading strengthen the connection between the left and right? Would watching a TV program has the same effect. But the difference between TV and book is that TV are pictures, books are words, except graphic novels, 漫畫...etc When watching a TV, pictures are well described with good scripts. Thus, it eliminates the need for left brain to proactively moving. It just receiving words in a reacted manner. However, I can not be certain that my explanation would be accurate. Since I know if reading a book really have readers creating pictures in their heads. For me, sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. The reason being that I will need to be super active while reading a book to do that. Although for most of the reading, my brain are just on the mellow mode. I do however turn back pages many times to reread one paragraph or two to catch some important phrases.

And my premises of left brain mere words may not be accurate at all. Although I am certain that right brain do process pictures, but it is not that simple either... I am just wondering, that is all...

I love her (2)

I will argue with anything. Even the truest words. I love her. That's all I want to say for years. But no. I argued against it. Because I know the expression was not out of fire and ice. It is not tested. I do not trust the expression. So utterance of it is absurd. But now I know the final result is here while I lost all the hopes. Now can I finally express the nonsense?

No? Why not? Because to whom, are you going to express it to? Or you can waging war with yourself that is so taxing, in the hope that I will be driven mad? I could express it to the thin air. I won't be afraid of failure there. Isn't that what I've been doing in the past 8 years? I love her. The objective is HER, whom are you telling this to?

I do not know. Even if I am talking from my left brain to my right one. It is still talking to thin air! Since the right brain Do Not Talk! I love her. I want to play. I want to find comfort and security. Love should do the trick. But. But what if, that's right. What if. I love her.

If this is true. If love came from myself. What is it to be afraid of? Accepted or not, I win. That is okay. But it makes myself sad and helpless. So is it love? Or just something I want and could not get? Then the expression, I love her is not correct. This must be something else.

So eventually I was right for not saying the words. But what is it that I really want to say?

I love her (1)

I love her. When I first saw her. I was feeling embarrassed at the moment before I saw her the first time. I do not remember how she looked. She came in with a friend of hers. It felt like a cool wind sweeping through a door into a hot and weary room. She's all smiling and giggling with her friend. The teacher said hi to her with a smile then introduced me to her. That was lunch time. She brought me to school cafeteria and sat down for a bite. I forgot what did I have. I forgot the room was with people filled. I did not remember what she said, or what I said. I just remembered that I sat there with a girl with a smile on her face so big and so bright, I had to avert my gaze somewhere. I felt uncomfortable somehow because of history. I felt weird. But I know I did not want to leave. And I did not. A memory forever sealed.

That was the first day of my high school in USA. I feel sad now that is a memory for me solely.

The Tell-Tale Heart

The Tell-Tale Heart

by Edgar Allan Poe
(published 1850)


TRUE! -- nervous -- very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses -- not destroyed -- not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily -- how calmly I can tell you the whole story.

It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. Object there was none. Passion there was none. I loved the old man. He had never wronged me. He had never given me insult. For his gold I had no desire. I think it was his eye! yes, it was this! He had the eye of a vulture --a pale blue eye, with a film over it. Whenever it fell upon me, my blood ran cold; and so by degrees -- very gradually --I made up my mind to take the life of the old man, and thus rid myself of the eye forever.

Now this is the point. You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded --with what caution --with what foresight --with what dissimulation I went to work! I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him. And every night, about midnight, I turned the latch of his door and opened it --oh so gently! And then, when I had made an opening sufficient for my head, I put in a dark lantern, all closed, closed, so that no light shone out, and then I thrust in my head. Oh, you would have laughed to see how cunningly I thrust it in! I moved it slowly --very, very slowly, so that I might not disturb the old man's sleep. It took me an hour to place my whole head within the opening so far that I could see him as he lay upon his bed. Ha! --would a madman have been so wise as this? And then, when my head was well in the room, I undid the lantern cautiously --oh, so cautiously --cautiously (for the hinges creaked) --I undid it just so much that a single thin ray fell upon the vulture eye. And this I did for seven long nights --every night just at midnight --but I found the eye always closed; and so it was impossible to do the work; for it was not the old man who vexed me, but his Evil Eye. And every morning, when the day broke, I went boldly into the chamber, and spoke courageously to him, calling him by name in a hearty tone, and inquiring how he has passed the night. So you see he would have been a very profound old man, indeed, to suspect that every night, just at twelve, I looked in upon him while he slept.

Upon the eighth night I was more than usually cautious in opening the door. A watch's minute hand moves more quickly than did mine. Never before that night had I felt the extent of my own powers --of my sagacity. I could scarcely contain my feelings of triumph. To think that there I was, opening the door, little by little, and he not even to dream of my secret deeds or thoughts. I fairly chuckled at the idea; and perhaps he heard me; for he moved on the bed suddenly, as if startled. Now you may think that I drew back --but no. His room was as black as pitch with the thick darkness, (for the shutters were close fastened, through fear of robbers,) and so I knew that he could not see the opening of the door, and I kept pushing it on steadily, steadily.

I had my head in, and was about to open the lantern, when my thumb slipped upon the tin fastening, and the old man sprang up in bed, crying out --"Who's there?"

I kept quite still and said nothing. For a whole hour I did not move a muscle, and in the meantime I did not hear him lie down. He was still sitting up in the bed listening; --just as I have done, night after night, hearkening to the death watches in the wall.

Presently I heard a slight groan, and I knew it was the groan of mortal terror. It was not a groan of pain or of grief --oh, no! --it was the low stifled sound that arises from the bottom of the soul when overcharged with awe. I knew the sound well. Many a night, just at midnight, when all the world slept, it has welled up from my own bosom, deepening, with its dreadful echo, the terrors that distracted me. I say I knew it well. I knew what the old man felt, and pitied him, although I chuckled at heart. I knew that he had been lying awake ever since the first slight noise, when he had turned in the bed. His fears had been ever since growing upon him. He had been trying to fancy them causeless, but could not. He had been saying to himself --"It is nothing but the wind in the chimney --it is only a mouse crossing the floor," or "It is merely a cricket which has made a single chirp." Yes, he had been trying to comfort himself with these suppositions: but he had found all in vain. All in vain; because Death, in approaching him had stalked with his black shadow before him, and enveloped the victim. And it was the mournful influence of the unperceived shadow that caused him to feel --although he neither saw nor heard --to feel the presence of my head within the room.

When I had waited a long time, very patiently, without hearing him lie down, I resolved to open a little --a very, very little crevice in the lantern. So I opened it --you cannot imagine how stealthily, stealthily --until, at length a single dim ray, like the thread of the spider, shot from out the crevice and fell full upon the vulture eye.

It was open --wide, wide open --and I grew furious as I gazed upon it. I saw it with perfect distinctness --all a dull blue, with a hideous veil over it that chilled the very marrow in my bones; but I could see nothing else of the old man's face or person: for I had directed the ray as if by instinct, precisely upon the damned spot.

And have I not told you that what you mistake for madness is but over acuteness of the senses? --now, I say, there came to my ears a low, dull, quick sound, such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I knew that sound well, too. It was the beating of the old man's heart. It increased my fury, as the beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage.

But even yet I refrained and kept still. I scarcely breathed. I held the lantern motionless. I tried how steadily I could maintain the ray upon the eye. Meantime the hellish tattoo of the heart increased. It grew quicker and quicker, and louder and louder every instant. The old man's terror must have been extreme! It grew louder, I say, louder every moment! --do you mark me well? I have told you that I am nervous: so I am. And now at the dead hour of the night, amid the dreadful silence of that old house, so strange a noise as this excited me to uncontrollable terror. Yet, for some minutes longer I refrained and stood still. But the beating grew louder, louder! I thought the heart must burst. And now a new anxiety seized me --the sound would be heard by a neighbor! The old man's hour had come! With a loud yell, I threw open the lantern and leaped into the room. He shrieked once --once only. In an instant I dragged him to the floor, and pulled the heavy bed over him. I then smiled gaily, to find the deed so far done. But, for many minutes, the heart beat on with a muffled sound. This, however, did not vex me; it would not be heard through the wall. At length it ceased. The old man was dead. I removed the bed and examined the corpse. Yes, he was stone, stone dead. I placed my hand upon the heart and held it there many minutes. There was no pulsation. He was stone dead. His eye would trouble me no more.

If still you think me mad, you will think so no longer when I describe the wise precautions I took for the concealment of the body. The night waned, and I worked hastily, but in silence. First of all I dismembered the corpse. I cut off the head and the arms and the legs.

I then took up three planks from the flooring of the chamber, and deposited all between the scantlings. I then replaced the boards so cleverly, so cunningly, that no human eye -- not even his --could have detected any thing wrong. There was nothing to wash out --no stain of any kind --no blood-spot whatever. I had been too wary for that. A tub had caught all --ha! ha!

When I had made an end of these labors, it was four o'clock --still dark as midnight. As the bell sounded the hour, there came a knocking at the street door. I went down to open it with a light heart, --for what had I now to fear? There entered three men, who introduced themselves, with perfect suavity, as officers of the police. A shriek had been heard by a neighbor during the night; suspicion of foul play had been aroused; information had been lodged at the police office, and they (the officers) had been deputed to search the premises.

I smiled, --for what had I to fear? I bade the gentlemen welcome. The shriek, I said, was my own in a dream. The old man, I mentioned, was absent in the country. I took my visitors all over the house. I bade them search --search well. I led them, at length, to his chamber. I showed them his treasures, secure, undisturbed. In the enthusiasm of my confidence, I brought chairs into the room, and desired them here to rest from their fatigues, while I myself, in the wild audacity of my perfect triumph, placed my own seat upon the very spot beneath which reposed the corpse of the victim.

The officers were satisfied. My manner had convinced them. I was singularly at ease. They sat, and while I answered cheerily, they chatted of familiar things. But, ere long, I felt myself getting pale and wished them gone. My head ached, and I fancied a ringing in my ears: but still they sat and still chatted. The ringing became more distinct: --it continued and became more distinct: I talked more freely to get rid of the feeling: but it continued and gained definiteness --until, at length, I found that the noise was not within my ears.

No doubt I now grew very pale; --but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice. Yet the sound increased --and what could I do? It was a low, dull, quick sound --much such a sound as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton. I gasped for breath -- and yet the officers heard it not. I talked more quickly --more vehemently; but the noise steadily increased. I arose and argued about trifles, in a high key and with violent gesticulations; but the noise steadily increased. Why would they not be gone? I paced the floor to and fro with heavy strides, as if excited to fury by the observations of the men -- but the noise steadily increased. Oh God! what could I do? I foamed --I raved --I swore! I swung the chair upon which I had been sitting, and grated it upon the boards, but the noise arose over all and continually increased. It grew louder --louder --louder! And still the men chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible they heard not? Almighty God! --no, no! They heard! --they suspected! --they knew! --they were making a mockery of my horror! --this I thought, and this I think. But anything was better than this agony! Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! --and now --again! --hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! --

"Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! --tear up the planks! --here, here! --it is the beating of his hideous heart!"


(http://poestories.com/read/telltaleheart)

天下第一鴨---趙寧

嗬! 搞什麼鬼! 自從趙大廚發表了 "八寶菜", "萬年鍋"的大作以後, 人人都把趙大廚的手藝看扁了. 譬如說吧, 前天有善心同胞請趙大廚便飯, 女主人烹飪功夫不夠水準, 端了一盤橡皮筋出來硬說是醬爆肉. 趙大廚心直口快, 當場開罵. 女主人不但不虛心就教, 檢討改進, 凡而強辯曰: "老娘這碟小菜, 傅培梅比不上, 比起你閣下的八寶菜, 萬年鍋來, 總是強多了吧!" 哈! 哈! 哈! 真是要把趙大廚的肚皮笑破! 你想想看, 趙大廚要是真的成天八寶菜, 萬年鍋, 那不早就活活餓扁了, 那裡還能長得這樣白白胖胖, 一表人才? 其理至明. 這個年頭做人太謙虛總是吃虧. 告訴你吧, 趙大廚是 "真人不露相, 露相非真人"! 那天要是真把我弄火了, 下廚唏哩嘩啦的整幾盤招牌大菜出來, 不把你吃的神魂顛倒, 那明兒個太陽可是真要從西邊出來了.

什麼? 你也不相信老趙炒的一手好菜? 真氣人! 好了, 咱們來個短話長說, 你豎起耳朵來, 好好給我聽著.

講出來怪不好意思的, 原來趙老大好吃懶做十分聞名, 又因為佔了資深光桿肥缺, 對於吃便飯這門學問不但內行, 而且經過多年研究發展, 還有獨到的發明.

好像是五年以前吧, 一大票老中濟濟一堂, 指手畫腳, 談天說地. 飯前的話題走火入魔, 總繞在政治上打轉. 大家詞鋒尖銳, 爭得面紅耳赤, 非常有傷感情. 飯後突然開始談吃的, 談得更熱烈, 而且氣氛完全不同, 不但沒有爭吵的情形, 反而一團和氣, 十分愉快. 趙大廚聰明過人, 大呼一聲, "著!" 頓時覺悟了一個大道理, 原來 "民以食為天", 凡是能把老百姓的肚皮伺候得舒舒服服的政治, 便是天下第一等的政治, 不談吃去談政治那便是捨本逐末, 不天下大亂也難. 這一種覺悟, 佛家叫做 "頓悟", 真是踏破鐵鞋無覓處, 得來全不費工夫. 趙大廚一時高興, 不免得意忘形, 手舞足蹈起立發言曰:
"親愛的同胞們, 中國人說同船共渡都是緣分. 我們大家漂洋過海來到新大陸, 湊巧都在這個城落腳, 彼此還能夠認識, 一起吃飯, 一起抬槓, 真是前世修來的緣分, 要好好的珍惜. 西方人總說中國是東亞的睡獅, 睡獅沉睡不醒就是因為中國人是一片散沙. 做為一個資本主義工業社會裡的新移民, 大家平日都忙, 彼此見面也不容易. 兄弟剛才見到諸位吃得開心, 談得也過癮, 十分的感動, 所以有一個建議. 我們是不是能把這聚會改為每月定期舉行? 每人帶一個菜, 輪流在各家舉行, 誰也不是主人, 誰也不是客人. 你也不必忙碌, 我也不必客氣, 十分輕鬆愉快. 大家都在異鄉為客, 逢年過節不免感慨萬千, 當月生日的朋友就不必帶菜, 接受大家的道賀, 這個聚會也可以正名為 "慶生會". 為了對菜的品質加以管制, 所以要建立榮譽的考核制度, 每次聚會當場投票, 選出該月的最佳菜餚, 冠以 "本城第一櫥" 頭銜以資獎勵. 再一點, 現代社會分工很細, 真是隔行如隔山, 如果我們輪流在茶餘飯後, 把自己混飯吃這一行裡的新發展作一個簡報, 大家輕鬆愉快的討論討論. 這樣一來, 這個聚會既遂了口腹之欲, 精神上得到慰藉, 又可以學習一點新知識, 一石三鳥, 多麼的有意思. 諸位以為如何?"
言罷掌聲如雷, 一致通過.

時間真快, 慶生會斷斷續續地已有了好幾年的歷史. 此城的聚會第一次只有卅幾人, 上個月已有一百廿人參加. 各家輪流早已裝不下, 而要在外洽借場地了. 除了上述的三個目的, 慶生會對外還常參加傳播中華文化的的活動. 年終和歲初抗議斷交的遊行, 會友們扶老攜幼一個也沒缺席, 都是團結的表現. 趙大廚鄭重地建議海外大城小鎮的同胞們都應該成立一個慶生會, 保險你會得到意想不到的好處. 當然囉, 咱大廚願意義務擔任榮譽顧問, 常常像你提供寶貴的意見. 只有一個小小的條件, 下次趙顧問雲遊到貴寶地的時候, 貴會要粗茶便飯意思意思, 千萬不得忘記.

對不起, 話頭扯遠了. 本城第一次聚會, 趙大廚使出渾身解數, 料理了一道紅花青椒牛肉, 色香味俱全. 這個紅花嘛是本大廚自作主張錦上添花, 用胡蘿蔔切了一朵玫瑰花兒置於牛肉之上, 為了搏取選民好感, 爭取神聖的一票也, 用心不可謂不良苦. 來到慶生會場不記名字交菜編號碼; 要是記名的話, 以趙大廚的人緣之佳, 自然是眾望所歸穩操勝券. 大會設想十分周到, 正在眾家兄弟姐妹你爭我奪品嚐美味之時, 有一名念比較文學的酸仔忽然詩興大發, 到每一道菜牌面前題詩留念. 一盤蒜泥白肉, 他題上: "泣別了白山黑水". 一道珍珠丸子他題了: "恨不相逢未嫁時". 實在是文不對題, 匪夷所思, 光怪陸離, 不通之至. 最最胡說八道的, 是他竟然在趙大廚精心製作的青椒牛肉上題了一個: "鮮花插在牛糞上". 害得趙大廚差一點當場吐血, 到現在還記恨心頭, 每次相見均已白眼相加. 被酸仔攪了局, 趙大廚堂堂名菜竟然以零票慘遭落選, 下場十分淒涼. 小金以一道麻婆豆腐奪得錦標歸.

第二次聚會焉, 趙大廚心想既然技不如人, 那只有出奇制勝, 用半罐辣椒醬, 半罐甜麵醬, 別出心裁的炒了一道 "苦瓜甜酸肉". 刀功, 火候, 用料都沒得話講, 味道嘛自己不敢隨便品嚐, 想像中一定是不錯的. 又怕酸仔重施故技詩興大發, 自己先發制人在菜牌上題名 "人生如夢", 取其酸甜苦辣鹹俱陳之意. 此菜既具匠心, 又富創意, 還幽幽的散發文藝得芳香, 真是人間珍品. 開票結果趙大廚得到四票, 以倒數第五落選, 得票率比上次高達兩倍, 內心十分安慰. 這兩票當中, 一票是小任坄的, 因為他老大搭了趙大廚的便車, 如果不惠賜神聖的一票, 害怕趙大廚心狠手辣要他在風雪中走路回家. 投完了票他不停的嘮叨良心十分不安, 令趙大廚非常生氣. 另外一票嘛, 不講你也知道, 是趙大廚自己投給自己的. 此屆慶生會小華以臺南肉羹得到冠軍.

後來的慶生會嘛, 趙大廚也懶得詳細的一一報告. 好像是小咪以麻辣雞絲得過冠軍, 小華當仁不讓以 "三冠王" 的資格獲得 "明城第一廚" 的頭銜. 趙大廚苦苦掙扎, 陸續的推出千奇百怪各式名菜, 總是受的氣多, 得的票少. 最近的一次以一道 "陽春白雪" (菠菜炒年糕)得票高達五票之多, 雖然離冠軍六十一票還有一段距離,但是一點點向前進步, 潛力仍在, 前途還是未可限量. 十年以前, 趙某人有名詩嘆曰: "路邊一隻鍋牛, 慢吞吞無憂無愁, 勇向前絕不停留, 總有天爬上枝頭." 形容的十分貼切.

因為競爭得激烈, 諸子百菜的水準也一天比一天提高. 石頭小兄到永和留學,推出燒餅油條; 臺生老弟挑燈夜戰, 亂刀斬蝦仁, 削去了半個指甲; 乃光愚弟表演椒鹽雞球, 技術太差, 結果火燒油鍋, 變成了焦焰煤球. 其中可歌可泣得事跡不勝枚舉. 那名列前矛的大家前呼後擁, 你讚美, 我請教, 無限風光; 那敬陪末座的, 門前冷落車馬稀, 真是 "世事如菜盤盤新, 人情似紙張張薄". 趙大廚天生的牛脾氣, 事無大小, 打落牙齒和血吞無妨, 但是絕不肯輕易的認輸. 格老子的愚公面前擋著山都要移去, 天下只有硬不起來的骨頭, 沒有炒不出來的小菜. 經過苦苦的思索, 又 "頓悟" 出來一個道理, 原來嘴巴是人體中一個頗為實際的器官, 一口咬下去, 是何味道都無可遁形, 沒有討價還價的餘地. 不像腦袋瓜子還會不切實際的胡思亂想一番. 要炒好菜實在沒有第二條捷徑, 只有腳踏實地, 痛下苦工夫.

趙大廚死想搞通以後說幹就幹, 回到家中將各類食譜通通搬將出來, "三更燈火五更雞, 正是男兒下廚時", 咬緊牙齒, 捲起袖子, 埋頭苦練, 成日的與菜刀砧板為伍. 時光荏苒, 歲月不居, 半年的時光就在煎, 蒸, 炸, 炒, 燜, 溜, 燉, 滷, 烤, 燻中匆匆的溜去. 趙大廚也練就了一手好功夫, 與往日 "八寶菜", "萬年鍋"時期相差以不可以道里計. 在十八般武藝中又以 "紅燒八寶鴨" 一菜最為著力. 現在平均每週要燒一隻鴨子反覆的練習, 本是不練到爐火純青絕不肯輕易的出山. 鴨子燒得多了, 人也變的有點鴨裡鴨氣, 懶的跑, 又飛不起來. 參加慶生會嘛還是拿八寶菜, 萬年鍋敷衍, 作出一副敷衍, 作出一副自暴自棄不知長進的模樣. 對於諸位老大的冷嘲熱諷,只是百般的忍耐不動聲色. 這一招有個名堂, 叫做 "假扮豬, 吃老虎". 時間是真理最好的證言, 等到有朝一日趙大廚的鴨子端出來, 要較那坄我票的, 不投我票的, 笑我的, 不笑我的, 都意滿心歡或者無可奈何, 但是卻異口同聲的, 豎起大拇指來道一聲: "天下第一鴨!"

剛來美的自省錄

今天一早起來就是打算把剛來美國的自省錄放上來. 可是和媽媽大發一頓脾氣. 很不想做這件事了. 現在想想還是放.

我一直都在想一個問題. 如果有工作, 我可以很早起來. 但是, 如果沒有, 不管如何下定決心, 早起都不大可能. 這是為啥? 以下是我剛來美國一九九六年六月廿一日後幾個月的紀錄. 裡面似乎是另一個人寫的. 和現在大不一樣. 紀錄一下, 想比較比較, 看看為啥...


自省錄

子曰: 逝者如斯夫, 不捨晝夜.
曾子曰: 吾日三省吾身, 為人謀而不忠乎, 與朋友交而不信乎, 傳不習乎?


6/27 星期四, 下午微雨

到美國以 7 天, 每日飽食終日, 無所事事, 真是不知所措, 似乎身心俱疲.
"朱子治家格言" 每日晨起, 灑掃庭院!! 一日之計在於晨...
早上六點起來必先摺好舖蓋, 藥先行吃下, 勿待媽媽叫之後.
伏地 40 伸 20 (first)
謹記!!! 勿忘!!!

9:30 pm

莊xx

--------------------------------

8/2 星期五 早上厚陰

早上一覺醒來猶先做半個小時體操後喝水吃藥
喝水宜喝 3 大杯!

伏地 90

8:00~8:30 中醫
8:40~10:00 龍翼
10:20~11:30 看小瑋的數學!
1:30~2:00: 中醫
2:30~4:00 Mr. Copy Time
4:20~5:30 作 1

做事宜有杯水在旁邊!


----------------------------------------


8/25 1996 星期日

我不是不知道自己的身體不怎麼好, 但是, 節制和強迫必改變你的體質,
所以體操和伏地要做, 同時我希望早上起來三大杯水是必要的, 而能起來
在鬧鐘第一響時最好.

P.s 如果能跑一跑更好!

體操: 早上: 轉頭, 轉肩, 轉手(前後), 左右搖腰, 轉腰, 拉背, 四頭肌, 拉腳筋, 鬆筋, 直拉, 長高運動, 拉阿里斯腳腱.
晚上: 轉手, 伸展, 長高, 拉筋, 鬆筋.
按摩屬於晚上: 部分: 背, 腰, 膝, 踝, 屁股, 牙齒, maybe 眼睛

晚上少吃!
good night

8/25 1996 莊xx Jack

--------------------------------------------

人生幸福與否, 全看 "早晨的時間" 怎麼過
有目的的人絕不可能有 "無謂的時間"

半年是很容易過去的, 10 年一眨眼就過了
廢物只能在這些時間重複著吃, 喝,
拉, 撒, 睡, 英文將成為主攻的課程, 寧願
犧牲 gym class logical 一定得搞懂.
荒謬的過去不再回頭, 頭也不回地, 繼續走.

2/23 Jack 莊xx


------------------------------------

油雞

這是我妹上次去他婆家, 跟他夫婿的爸爸學的.

材料:

雞, 醬油, 冰糖, 大蒜頭, 料酒


做法:

熱油爆蒜
雞皮朝鍋底放入一分鐘左右
倒入醬油料酒水冰糖一二分鐘
把雞翻面, 皮朝上, 蓋鍋, 滾後中小火廿分鐘左右
中間把汁林在雞皮上色, 煮至汁剩一碗, 起鍋
湯汁倒碗, 可沾吃.


*在煮雞的時候可以放一快橫切的排骨. 會非常好吃!

Her

I found her tonight accidentally. I forgot how I did that... I somehow found her younger sister. Then through her younger sister, I found her. She is married. My gosh, I hope they are all well right now. Let's hope this nuclear thing will hold.

外公的一些事

昨天跟舅舅談到外公在抗戰的經歷. 怕忘了. 紀錄如下:

外公是民國十二年出生. 他在抗戰剛開始的時候, 十四歲. 淞滬抗戰三個月結束, 他們舉家逃難. 逃到一個, 好像是他們章家的墓園, 在一座山上. 聽外公說的好像逃到很遠的地方, 但是, 現在從蘇州坐公車其實只要兩個小時, 而且依照現在的行政區域, 其實也還是在蘇州的邊上. 附近有戶人人家讓外公一家和其他逃難而至的人下榻. 那戶人家有牧場, 外公回憶說他那個時期幾乎天天喝牛奶, 是很香甜的回憶! 他也幫忙擠牛奶, 談起來也是津津. 如此半年, 他們一家才回家. 那時他大概是初中. 後來一兩年進入高中, 但是常換學校, 因為跟著他父親奔波於滬蘇之間. 但是, 這裡我對那時候的校制不是很清楚. 或許不是初中高中那樣分也說不定. 反正是中學. 後來家裡的情況不很好, 家裡無法供他讀完高中, 他轉到職業學校去, 一開始在日本人的電報學校. 後來不知道啥原因, 可能是後來又搬到蘇州當地去了, 他到一位姓孫的中國人開設的電報學校就讀. 外公大概到戰後不知道多久才知道, 那位孫先生竟是國府的地下人員. 舅舅說, 外公以前還在臺灣借我們家請過那位孫先生.

大概一年, 一年多後, 外公學成了. 就到當時的電報局去工作. 在抗戰, 電報局當然是掌握在日本人手裡. 我的大姨出生於一九四三年九月(待考), 往前推算, 可以得知外公和外婆結縭應該是一年前. 看樣子, 外公在電報其實做沒多久, 就和外婆訂婚, 結婚了. 此之後, 外公的丈人是當時非常有錢的一個人. 有銀行一家, 錢莊幾家, 布料零售批發是本行, 等等... 外公在婚後, 就到丈人的錢莊去工作了. 抗戰後, 外公在招商局的工作也是由丈人鼎力相助. 當時的招商局長, 被外公的丈人請吃飯, 席上有兩塊崁玉的屏風非常漂亮. 價值當時的兩萬美元(待考). 局長看到了說, 好漂亮! 飯後, 局長一回到家, 兩個屏風已在府上. 隔天, 外公被發表為招商局船員, 還是高級船員.

The charge of the light brigade

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.


'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to the right of them,
Cannon to the left of them,
Cannon in front of them
  Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turned in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
  All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel'd from the sabre-stroke
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
  Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
  All the world wonder'd.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
  Noble six hundred!


—Alfred, Lord Tennyson 1854


It was a poem written by Alfred, Lord Tennyson in 1854. Lord Tennyson wrote the poem right after he read the account of Battle of Balaclava between English cavalry and Russian troops in Cremean War. The battle was fruitless for English side and the loss was quite severe. The disaster was reported as a result of miscommunication, involving either a vague order from Lord Raglan(English commander), or a misinterpretation from the light brigade, or even both. The poem, however, stated that:

Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder'd...


I read a few introductions of the poem, they seemed to agree that the soldiers knew someone was blundered. But I was confused with the phrase "Not tho'" the first few times when I was reading the poem. I thought soldiers did not know. Ah, I was blundered... :p Also the line "valley of death" was mentioned by Wiki's writing that reminiscent of Psalm 23:

Psalm 23 (King James Version)

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green [1] pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest [2] my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. [3]

(http://www.christnotes.org/bible.php?q=Psalm+23)

This Crimean war was complicated. It involved Christian religious interest(Holy land issue), European politics(Napolean III's ambition, Russia & England and policeman of Europe, Weakened Ottoman state), trade interest(Dardanelle Strait), and so forth. This war was famous not for the war itself, but rather, for Florence Nightingale(南丁格爾). She pioneered in introducing modern nursing into English military and was dubbed "The lady with the lamp" for her habit of making rounds taking care wounded soldiers at night.

The war also had other significances, first use of the railway in war, the use of telegraph for war correspondence. Famous man like Leo Tolstoy was even called the first war correspondence for his "The Sevastopol Sketches", detailing the Russian soldiers and citizens of Sevastopol during the siege of Sevastopol. The famous "The thin red line" was also dubbed by English journalist, which meant soldiers holing a line to repulse the attack.

The poem wrote by Lord Tennyson was adored by the English people instantly. But there were another infamous poem by Rudyard Kipling. It told a story about the last of the light brigade soldiers after 40 years. While everyone could chanted the light brigade poem by Lord Tennyson, very few actually remembered the one by Rudyard Kipling. Here it is:

The last of the Light Brigade:

The Last of the Light Brigade

~Rudyard Kipling

There were thirty million English who talked of England's might,
There were twenty broken troopers who lacked a bed for the night.
They had neither food nor money, they had neither service nor trade;
They were only shiftless soldiers, the last of the Light Brigade.

They felt that life was fleeting; they knew not that art was long,
That though they were dying of famine, they lived in deathless song.
They asked for a little money to keep the wolf from the door;
And the thirty million English sent twenty pounds and four!

They laid their heads together that were scarred and lined and grey;
Keen were the Russian sabres, but want was keener than they;
And an old Troop-Sergeant muttered, "Let us go to the man who writes
The things on Balaclava the kiddies at school recites."

They went without bands or colours, a regiment ten-file strong,
To look for the Master-singer who had crowned them all in his song;
And, waiting his servant's order, by the garden gate they stayed,
A desolate little cluster, the last of the Light Brigade.

They strove to stand to attention, to straighten the toil-bowed back;
They drilled on an empty stomach, the loose-knit files fell slack;
With stooping of weary shoulders, in garments tattered and frayed,
They shambled into his presence, the last of the Light Brigade.

The old Troop-Sergeant was spokesman, and "Beggin' your pardon," he said,
"You wrote o' the Light Brigade, sir. Here's all that isn't dead.
An' it's all come true what you wrote, sir, regardin' the mouth of hell;
For we're all of us nigh to the workhouse, an' we thought we'd call an' tell.

"No, thank you, we don't want food, sir; but couldn't you take an' write
A sort of 'to be continued' and 'see next page' o' the fight?
We think that someone has blundered, an' couldn't you tell 'em how?
You wrote we were heroes once, sir. Please, write we are starving now."

The poor little army departed, limping and lean and forlorn.
And the heart of the Master-singer grew hot with "the scorn of scorn."
And he wrote for them wonderful verses that swept the land like flame,
Till the fatted souls of the English were scourged with the thing called Shame.

They sent a cheque to the felon that sprang from an Irish bog;
They healed the spavined cab-horse; they housed the homeless dog;
And they sent (you may call me a liar), when felon and beast were paid,
A cheque, for enough to live on, to the last of the Light Brigade.*

O thirty million English that babble of England's might,
Behold there are twenty heroes who lack their food to-night;
Our children's children are lisping to "honour the charge they made - "
And we leave to the streets and the workhouse the charge of the Light Brigade!

*this verse was present in the first collection but was removed from the later editions.

(Source: Mostly from Wikipedia: The charge of the light brigade, battle of balaclava, cimean war, Florence Nightingale, The Last of the Light Brigade, and other poetry sites which I forgot to record.)

一個感想, 小站上的事件

今天小站上看到一個道歉啟事. 甲網友向乙網友道歉(此匿名). 事情是這樣的. 甲喜歡一邊貼照片, 一邊寫一些文章. 這一次, 他不例外. 乙一直都很喜歡甲的文章和照片, 所以都去捧場. 這一次也不例外. 乙說, 這些照片的層次真的是好棒的說...(類似的句子). 甲竟然回了一個留言說, 這樣的句子不好. 是下等的台灣人才這樣用. 講話很直, 用的辭彙很強烈. 於是, 乙說, 他再也不來甲的論串了. 所以甲網友就登了這個道歉啟事.

這讓我看到很有趣的現象. 台灣的內鬨, 自台灣的留學生來看, 尤其是對文化有很深厚感情的, 是錐心刺骨. 當然這也要看年紀. 不同年紀的留學生, 不同的反應. 但是, 最有趣的地方還在於, 近廿年來的台灣文化似被一些上述的台灣留學生認為與台獨有絕對的關係. 在這點上, 大陸人則一點都無這種感覺. 大多數對這件事情的反應是, 認為這是台灣的網路語法. 他們和台獨無正式關係. 在我現在看就是, 他們把台灣看成就是台灣一省. 這樣的語法, 不過就是台灣特色罷了. 但是, 在廿年之前, 台灣的語法不是這樣的. 這是民國八十五年之後, 越來越本省化的結果. 是的, 愈來愈把自己的地位縮小到一個地理位置的結果.

可是, 我還是認為不能把這語法當作是下等台灣人才這樣用. 這位甲網友似乎非常看重某些生活上的禮儀. 這對他自己和孩子無可厚非. 但是, 要把這當作全中華民國的標準, 不僅困難, 也很有問題. 他想必理性上也知道. 但是, 感情上卻無法自已. 而這也是我所害怕的. 我覺得即使是那些台灣人不認為自己是中國人, 他們的言行在我眼裡仍出不了中國的文化. 除非有一天他們講英文. 但是, 他這種心情我卻是可以了解的. 因為我也曾把這種語法看做是和台獨一塊兒的. 去了幾次台灣之後, 我卻愈來愈不在乎. 而且, 語法的演變不是一般人所可以左右, 台灣這種地方意識的抬頭是很正常的事情. 但是, 他的心情我可以了解. 對於島上那些努力於宣傳拋棄自身文化的中國人, 這種撕心的痛是很容易理解的. 但是, 大陸人卻不見得了解了.

讓我提醒自己的是, 不能被政治上的情感衝昏頭. 以致於文化上的理性被淹沒了.

我的四個假想敵／余光中

二女幼珊在港參加僑生聯考，以第一志願分發台大外文系。聽到這消息，我鬆了一口氣，從此不必擔心四個女兒通通嫁給廣東男孩了。

我對廣東男孩當然並無偏見，在港六年，我班上也有好些可愛的廣東少年，頗討老師的歡心，但是要我把四個女兒全都讓那些“靚仔”、“叻仔”擄掠了去，卻捨不得。不過，女兒要嫁誰，說得灑脫些，是她們的自由意志，說得玄妙些呢，是因緣，做父親的又何必患得患失呢？何況在這件事上，做母親的往往位居要衝，自然而然成了女兒的親密顧問，甚至親密戰友，作戰的對象不是男友，卻是父親。等到做父親的驚醒過來，早已腹背受敵，難挽大勢了。

在父親的眼裡，女兒最可愛的時候是在十歲以前，因為那時她完全屬於自己。在男友的眼裡，她最可愛的時候卻在十七歲以後，因為這時她正像畢業班的學生，已經一心向外了。父親和男友，先天上就有矛盾。對父親來說，世界上沒有東西比稚齡的女兒更完美的了，唯一的缺點就是會長大，除非你用急凍術把她久藏，不過這恐怕是違法的，而且她的男友遲早會騎了駿馬或摩托車來，把她吻醒。

我未用太空艙的凍眠術，一任時光催迫，日月輪轉，再揉眼時，怎麼四個女兒都已依次長大，昔日的童話之門砰地一關，再也回不去了。四個女兒，依次是珊珊、幼珊、佩珊、季珊。簡直可以排成一條珊瑚礁。珊珊十二歲的那年，有一次，未滿九歲的佩珊忽然對來訪的客人說：「喂，告訴你，我姐姐是一個少女了！」在座的大人全笑了起來。

曾幾何時，惹笑的佩珊自己，甚至最幼稚的季珊，也都在時光的魔杖下，點化成“少女”了。冥冥之中，有四個“少男”正偷偷襲來，雖然躡手躡足，屏聲止息，我卻感到背後有四雙眼睛，像所有的壞男孩那樣，目光灼灼，心存不軌，只等時機一到，便會站到亮處，裝出偽善的笑容，叫我岳父。

我當然不會應他。哪有這麼容易的事！我像一棵果樹，天長地久在這裡立了多年，風霜雨露，樣樣有份，換來果實累累，不勝負荷。而你，偶爾過路的小子，竟然一伸手就來摘果子，活該蟠地的樹根絆你一跤！

而最可惱的，卻是樹上的果子，竟有自動落入行人手中的樣子。樹怪行人不該擅自來摘果子，行人卻說是果子剛好掉下來，給他接著罷了。這種事，總是裡應外合才成功的。當初我自己結婚，不也是有一位少女開門揖盜嗎？“堡壘最容易從內部攻破”，說得真是不錯。不過彼一時也，此一時也。同一個人，過街時討厭汽車，開車時卻討厭行人。現在是輪到我來開車。

好多年來，我已經習於和五個女人為伍，浴室裡彌漫著香皂和香水氣味，沙發上散置皮包和發卷，餐桌上沒有人和我爭酒，都是天經地義的事。戲稱吾廬為“女生宿舍”，也已經很久了。做了“女生宿舍”的舍監，自然不歡迎陌生的男客，尤其是別有用心的一類。但自己轄下的女生，尤其是前面的三位，已有“不穩”的現象，卻令我想起葉慈的一句詩：

　　一切已崩潰，失去重心。

我的四個假想敵，不論是高是矮，是胖是瘦，是學醫還是學文，遲早會從我疑懼的迷霧裡顯出原形，一一走上前來，或迂回曲折，囁嚅其詞，或開門見山，大言不慚，總之要把他的情人，也就是我的女兒，對不起，從此領去。無形的敵人最可怕，何況我在亮處，他在暗裡，又有我家的“內奸”接應，真是防不勝防。只怪當初沒有把四個女兒及時冷藏，使時間不能拐騙，社會也無由污染。現在她們都已大了，回不了頭。我那四個假想敵，那四個鬼鬼祟祟的地下工作者，也都已羽毛豐滿，什么力量都阻止不了他們了。先下手為強，這件事，該趁那四個假想敵還在襁褓的時候，就予以解決的。至少美國詩人納許（Ｏｇｄｅｎ Ｎａｓｈ，１９０２～１９７１）勸我們如此。他在一首妙詩《由女嬰之父來唱的歌》（Ｓｏｎｇ ｔｏ Ｂｅ Ｓｕｎｇ ｂｙ ｔｈｅＦａｔｈｅｒ ｏｆ Ｉｎｆａｎｔ Ｆｅｍａｌｅ Ｃｈｉｌｄｒｅｎ）之中，說他生了女兒吉兒之后，惴惴不安，感到不知什麼地方正有個男嬰也在長大，現在雖然還渾渾噩噩，口吐白沫，卻注定將來會搶走他的吉兒。於是做父親的每次在公園裡看見嬰兒車中的男嬰，都不由神色一變，暗暗想：「會不會是這傢伙？」

想著想著，他“殺機陡萌”，便要解開那男嬰身上的別針，朝他的爽身粉裡撒胡椒粉，把鹽撒進他的奶瓶，把沙撒進他的菠菜汁，再扔頭悠游的鱷魚到他的嬰兒車裡陪他游戲，逼他在水深火熱之中掙扎而去，去娶別人的女兒。足見詩人以未來的女婿為假想敵，早已有了前例。

不過一切都太遲了。當初沒有當機立斷，採取非常措施，像納許詩中所說的那樣，真是一大失策。如今的局面，套一句史書上常見的話，已經是“寇入深矣！”女兒的牆上和書桌的玻璃墊下，以前的海報和剪報之類，還是披頭，拜絲，大衛，凱西弟的形象，現在紛紛都換上男友了。至少，灘頭陣地已經被入侵的軍隊占領了去，這一仗是必敗的了。記得我們小時，這一類的照片仍被列為機密要件，不是藏在枕頭套裡，貼著夢境，便是夾在書堆深處，偶爾翻出來神往一翻，哪有這麼二十四小時眼前供奉的？

這一批形跡可疑的假想敵，究竟是哪年哪月開始入侵廈門街余宅的，已經不可考了。只記得六年前遷港之后，攻城的軍事便換了一批口操粵語少年來接手。至於交戰的細節，就得問名義上是守城的那幾個女將，我這位“昏君”是再也搞不清的了。只知道敵方的炮火，起先是瞄准我家的信箱，那些歪歪斜斜的筆跡，久了也能猜個七分；繼而是集中在我家的電話，“落彈點”就在我書桌的背後，我的文苑就是他們的沙場，一夜之間，總有十幾次腦震蕩。那些粵音平上去入，有九聲之多，也令我難以研判敵情。現在我帶幼珊回了廈門街，那頭的廣東部隊輪到我太太去抵擋，我在這頭，只要留意台灣健兒，任務就輕松多了。

信箱被襲，只如戰爭的默片，還不打緊。其實我寧可多情的少年勤寫情書，那樣至少可以練習作文，不致在視聽教育的時代荒廢了中文。可怕的還是電話中彈，那一串串警告的鈴聲，把戰場從門外的信箱擴至書房的腹地，默片變成了身歷其聲，假想敵在實彈射擊了。更可怕的，卻是假想敵真的闖進了城來，成了有血有肉的真敵人，不再是假想了好玩的了，就像軍事演習到中途，忽然真的打起來了一樣。真敵人是看得出來的。在某一女兒的接應之下，他占領了沙發的一角，從此兩人呢喃細語。囁嚅密談，即使脈脈相對的時候，那氣氛也濃得化不開，窒得全家人都透不過氣來。這時幾個姐妹早已回避得遠遠的了，任誰都看得出情況有異。萬一敵人留下來吃飯，那空氣就更為緊張，好像擺好姿勢，面對照相機一般。平時鴨塘一般的餐桌，四姐妹這時像在演啞劇，連筷子和調羹都似乎得到了消息，忽然小心翼翼起來。明知這僭越的小子未必就是真命女婿，（誰曉得寶貝女兒現在是十八變中的第幾變呢？）心裡卻不由自主升起一股淡淡的敵意。也明知女兒正如將熟之瓜，終有一天會蒂落而去，卻希望不是隨眼前這自負的小子。

當然，四個女兒也自有不乖的時候，在惱怒的心情下，我就恨不得四個假想敵趕快出現，把她們統統帶走。但是那一天真要來到時，我一定又會懊悔不已。我能夠想象，人生的兩大寂寞，一是退休之日，一是最小的孩子終於也結婚之後。宋淇有一天對我說：「真羡慕你的女兒全在身邊！」真的嗎？至少目前我並不覺得，自己有什麼可羡之處。也許真要等到最小的季珊也跟著假想敵度蜜月去了，才會和我存並坐在空空的長沙發上，翻閱她們小時相簿，追憶從前，六人一車長途壯游的盛況，或是晚餐桌上，熱氣蒸騰，大家共享的燦爛燈光。人生有許多事情，正如船後的波紋，總要過後才覺得美的。這麼一想，又希望那四個假想敵，那四個生手笨腳的小伙子，還是多吃幾口閉門羹，慢一點出現吧。

袁枚寫詩，把生女兒說成“情疑中副車”，這書袋掉得很有意思，卻也流露了重男輕女的封建意識。照袁枚的說法，我是連中了四次副車，命中率夠高的了。余宅的四個小女孩現在變成了四個小婦人，在假想敵環伺之下，若問我擇婿有何條件，一時倒恐怕答不上來。沉吟半晌，我也許會說：「這件事情，上有月下老人的婚姻譜，誰也不能竄改，包括韋固，下有兩個海誓山盟的情人，‘二人同心，其利斷金’，我憑什麼要逆天拂人，梗在中間？何況終身大事，神秘莫測，事先無法推理，事後不能悔棋，就算交給２１世紀的電腦，恐怕也算不出什麼或然率來。倒不如故示慷慨，偽作輕鬆，搏一個開明父親的美名，到時候帶顆私章，去做主婚人就是了。」

問的人笑了起來，指著我說：：什麼叫做‘偽作輕鬆’？可見你心裡並不輕松。」

我當然不很輕松，否則就不是她們的父親了。例如人種的問題，就很令人煩惱。萬一女兒發痴，愛上一個聳肩攤手口香糖嚼個不停的小怪人，該怎麼辦呢？在理性上，我願意“有婿無類”，做一個大大方方的世界公民。但是在感情上，還沒有大方到讓一個臂毛如猿的小伙子把我的女兒抱過門檻。

現在當然不再是“嚴夷夏之防”的時代，但是一任單純的家庭擴充成一個小型的聯合國，也大可不必。問的人又笑了，問我可曾聽說混血兒的聰明超乎常人。我說：「聽過，但是我不希罕抱一個天才的‘混血孫’。我不要一個天才兒童叫我Ｇｒａｎｄｐａ，我要他叫我外公。」

問的人不肯罷休：「那麼省籍呢？」

「省籍無所謂，」我說。「我就是蘇閩聯姻的結果，還不壞吧？當初我母親從福建寫信回武進，說當地有人向她求婚。娘家大驚小怪，說‘那麼遠！怎麼就嫁給南蠻！’後來娘家發現，除了言語不通之外，這位閩南姑爺並無可疑之處。這幾年，廣東男孩鍥而不舍，對我家的壓力很大，有一天閩粵結成了秦晉，我也不會感到意外。如果有個台灣少年特別巴結我，其志又不在跟我談文論詩，我也不會怎麼為難他的。至於其他各省，從黑龍江直到雲南，口操各種方言的少年，只要我女兒不嫌他，我自然也歡迎。」

「那麼學識呢？」

「學什麼都可以。也不一定要是學者，學者往往不是好女婿，更不是好丈夫。只有一點：中文必須精通。中文不通，將禍延吾孫！」

客又笑了。「相貌重不重要？」他再問。

「你真是迂闊之至！」這次輪到我發笑了。「這種事，我女兒自己會注意，怎麼會要我來操心？」

笨客還想問下去，忽然門鈴響起。我起身去開大門，發現長發亂處，又一個假想敵來掠余宅。

廁所的故事---阿盛

開始念小學那一年，我第一次看見衛生紙，至於正式使用，是在二年級的時候，在這之前，解手後都是用竹片子或黃麻稈一揩了事。大人們的廁所在房間內，用花布簾圍住壁角，裡邊放著馬桶；小孩子們沒有限制，水溝、牆角、甘蔗田以及任何可以蹲下來的地方，統統是廁所。

在學校裡，老師天天交代我們：要穿鞋子，要常洗頭髮，要買衛生紙，不要隨地大小便。我回家跟爸說要買鞋子，爸說沒那麼「好命」；我提起衛生紙的好處，媽說那太浪費，小孩子不懂賺錢的辛苦；我又引用老師的話，說用竹片子揩屁股會生痔瘡，爸生氣了，他說老師一定瘋了，因為他從一歲到二十多歲都是這樣，也沒生過痔瘡；我小聲地說，應該有廁所，祖父說，奇怪，水溝不是很多嗎？最後爸解釋說，衛生紙太薄，容易破，揩不乾淨。這以後，媽准許我用粗草紙，那是大人們用的，不過，我還是寧可用竹片子，粗草紙就帶到學校讓老師檢查，我們班上有一半以上的同學都和我一樣，老師也不再要我們買衛生紙了。

二年級下學期，三姑帶著表弟從臺北來我家玩，吃過中飯，表弟說要上廁所，我帶他到門前的水溝邊，他很驚訝，硬是不肯脫下褲子，是說沒有東西擋著他拉不出來，我帶他到豬舍旁邊，他蹲在地上，不時看著我，然後站起來，說是也拉不出來，我只好走開，隔一陣子就喊：「好了沒有？」表弟苦著臉走出來對我說沒有，我拉起他跑到學校，他急忙衝進廁所，出來之後，滿頭大汗。在回家的路上，他一直問我：為什麼廁所裡沒有水箱子？為什麼有很多很多白白小小的蟲？還有，在水溝裡拉屎，警察為什麼不管？我說警察的兒子也和我們一樣，他就說，回臺北以後要報告老師，叫老師來抓警察，我聽了感到很生氣，跟他說，警察和真平、四郎一樣偉大，不能抓，他不相信，還說校長可以管老師，老師可以管警察，真平和四郎跟總統一樣大，不是跟警察一樣大，我氣極了，不再理他。

三年級放寒假的時候，爸和叔叔們合資蓋了一間廁所。「落成」那天，我們幾個小孩子熱烈地討論誰應該第一個使用，六叔把我們趕開，他說他是高中生，當然是第一。他進去了，一下子又走出來，很不高興的樣子，原來，有人先進去過了，六叔一口咬定是那個泥水匠，他嘀咕著說要找泥水匠算帳，我們建議六叔把他抓來灌屎，像灌香腸一樣，六叔說好。那天晚上，爸和叔叔們在院子裡聊天，聊到這件事，二叔說，新廁所有外來的「黃金」，大吉大利，六叔不同意，他認為新廁所應該由自己人開張，才有新氣象，爸沒有意見。我對爸說，六叔只知道拉屎要爭第一，六叔一巴掌打在我屁股上，媽說該打。我很不甘心，跑去告訴祖父，祖父走出來，把六叔罵了一頓：「你吃飯爭第一，拉屎爭第一，為什麼英文只考了二十──二十──」，我說二十七分，祖父接下去：「二十七分！啊？」五叔在一旁笑，他說這也可以算第一，六叔說，五哥以前數學只考二十四分，烏龜笑鱉沒尾巴，祖父說：「都是尿桶！」過後，我問六叔，還要不要把泥水匠抓來灌屎，他說我以後再這麼問，他就灌我。

我升上五年級，村長換了人，新村長說，要好好整頓村裡的環境衛生。首先，他出錢蓋了四幢公用廁所，又一家接一家地勸人蓋廁所，他跟祖父說，廁所和吃飯一樣重要，祖父說那有這種事！一有空，他就騎著腳踏車到處巡視，發現有小孩隨地大小便，當場打屁股，我們班上有好幾個男生被他打過，都很氣他，叫他「哭鐵面」。每次開村民大會，他一定會再三地說明廁所的重要性，有一次還說「廁所就是生命」，六叔跑到臺上去，不知道跟他說了些什麼，他馬上又補充了一句：「廁所為成家之本！」末了，他建議大家不要再用竹片麻稈揩屁股，因為這樣會得破傷風，有人站起來發言，說不會得破傷風，應該是會生糞口蟲，我們學校一位女老師立刻又發言，她認為應該是生痔瘡才對，然後指導員出來解釋，他說，應該是會長瘤才合理，他的一個朋友就是這樣。到後來，村長說：「統統有可能，不過，得破傷風的機會最大。」那一次大會後有贈送紀念品，每家三包衛生紙，兩包樟腦丸，一把長柄豬鬃刷子，鄉裡派來的衛生員特別交代，刷子是清洗廁所用的，媽說這種刷子這麼好，用來洗刷廁所太可惜，所以一直放在廚房裡使用。

初一那年冬天，嘉南平原大地震，震塌了村裡兩幢公用廁所，救災工作結束之後，村長開始計畫重建廁所，村長太太負責募捐工作，她幾乎天天都在村子裡跑來跑去，那陣子，米菜肥料都缺貨，物價又貴，村長太太跑了兩個禮拜，還湊不到蓋一幢廁所的錢。又過了幾天，鄰村有個有錢人到我們村子來，他說他願意負責蓋廁所的經費，條件是，水肥歸他收一年，村裡的人開會通過，半個月後，廁所蓋好了，還裝了水箱，那個有錢人每天派車子來載水肥，聽說他包辦了好幾個村子的水肥，轉手賣給魚塭和農家，一桶二十五塊錢。過了一陣子，他問村長，為什麼你們這裡的水肥特別少？村長說，本來就這麼些，他不相信，硬說有人偷肥，村長說那東西又不能吃，誰要偷？兩個人先是在路上吵，一直吵到派出所，又吵回路上，然後再吵進派出所。警察耐心地分析：這裡的人八成以上種甘蔗，根本不要肥料，村長保證沒有人偷去吃，那個有錢人氣得臉都歪了，他嘀咕著說，這樣下去會賠本，生意真不好做，怎麼大家不多拉一點？怎麼不多拉一點呢？大約一個月後，政府大量配給農肥，接著肥料兩次跌價，那個有錢人再不派車來載水肥了，村長把他找來，要他按照契約清理水肥，他說要那麼多幹什麼？又不能吃！兩個人又到派出所去，結果，一直到我念初二上學期，他都派車清理水肥，一個月一次。有一次，六叔在路上遇見他，問他水肥好不好賣？他說生意不好做；六叔又問他，想不想再跟我們村子訂契約？他說只有瘋到第三期的人才會這樣問。

我讀高一的時候，鄉裡舉辦中北部春節旅行，我也參加。第一天晚上，住在臺中火車站附近的一家旅館，這才第一次看見了抽水馬桶，以前只看過圖片。住進旅館以後，大家都往廁所裡跑，鄉長站在一邊維持秩序，一面叫著慢慢來，他說留得屎橛在，那怕沒得拉？等輪到我，我一頭衝進去，看見抽水馬桶，心裡有點害怕，還好我知道是用坐的，坐了上去，也不知怎麼搞的，幾乎用了兩百公斤的力量，仍然拉不出來，外頭敲門敲得很急，我在裡邊更急，好一陣子，看看是不會有「結果」了，只好出來，身上直冒汗，鄉長問：好啦？我說好了。那天晚上，好不容易熬到廁所空了，我才放心地走進去，蹲在馬桶上；以後的兩天，我都是這樣。第四天早上，我們正在整理行李，旅館的老闆娘氣沖沖的跑來，她說不知道是那些人弄壞了三個馬桶護圈，我們都說，那一定不是我們，老闆娘嘮叨了許久，她說護圈是新裝上的，怎麼坐得斷？真奇怪！

去年暑假，我回家鄉，找六叔聊天，聊起有關廁所的事。我對六叔的幾個孩子說，你們命好，我們小時候連廁所都沒有呢，他們不太相信。我說不但這樣，解手後都用竹片子揩屁股哪，他們說我欺騙兒童。六叔說，這是真的。八歲的小堂弟說，他要去報告級任老師，爸爸和堂哥愛撒謊；十歲的堂妹說，最好報告校長，因為校長比較「匈奴」，一定會打堂哥屁股；正在念初一的堂弟說，爸爸是石松，堂哥是余天，搭配得很好，真會「講笑話」。最後，他們聯合問我們一個問題：用竹片可以揩得乾淨嗎？六叔說大概可以，我說差不多啦。

──發表於一九七八年三月

最近在看張曉風主編的一個散文集, 三十年來的散文精選--錦繡天地好文章. 實在是好看到死... 這是其中一篇.

Question after Bollywood

One question after watching few Bollywood movies. Or, more precisely, one question was found after discussing Bollywood movies with my mom.

The question is:

How come there are so many dancing and singing in Bollywood movies, but not with Chinese movies?

The same question could apply to the Hollywood movie as well... How come there were many musicals back then, but so few now? What has been changed in the USA society?

I only saw one musical Chinese movie, which was from Hong Kong in 1960s. I saw many singing and some dancing from the clips on Youtube. Those were from Hong Kong between 1950s and 1960s as well. And frankly, I never saw those before I knew Youtube. I did not even dreamed it would exist.

During the discussion with my mom, she thought that the previous 100+ years of turmoil prevented Chinese from habit of dancing and singing. But India was colonized for few hundred years, I said. And many of them are still poor these days. I thought the Chinese intellectuals would be a factor since the culture was recorded by them throughout history. They failed to present a good picture of what we sang and danced in the old days.


But as I am writing these, I think India could really be an exceptional case. For I saw a few foreign films from Japan, Korea, England, France, Russia, German, Scandinavian, Africa, USA, South America, Spain...etc. There were not many of musicals in those Countries as far as I know. I would thought Africa would have many musicals. I did not see many African movies though. There were quite a few African American musicals. Anyway, I am still wondering why Chinese people don't dance and sing as much. As their classics said music was important, why didn't they dance and sing more, in movies, and in daily lives?

Interesting thought recorded.

書鈔: Emotional Intelligence

"These interpersonal abilities build on other emotional intelligences. People who make an excellent social impression, for example, are adept at monitoring their own expression of emotion, are keenly attuned to the ways others are reacting, and so are able to continually fine-tune their social performance, adjusting it to make sure they are having the desired effect. In that sense, they are like skilled actors.

However, if these interpersonal abilities are not balanced out by an astute sense of one' own needs and feelings and how to fulfill them, they can lead to a hollow social success--a popularity won at the cost of one's true satisfaction. Such is the argument of Mark Snyder, a University of Minnesota psychologist who has studied people whose social skills make them first-rate social chameleons, champions at making a good impression. Their psychological credo might well be a remark by W. H. Auden, who said that his private image of himself "is very different from the image which I try to create in the minds of others in order they may love me." That trade-off can be made if social skills outstrip the ability to know and honor one's own feelings; in order to be loved--or at least liked--the social chameleon will seem to be whatever those he is with seem to want. The sign that someone falls into this pattern, Snyder finds, is that they make an excellent impression, yet have few stable or satisfying intimate relationships. A more healthy pattern, of course, is to balance being true to oneself with social skills, using them with integrity.

Social chameleons, though, don't mind in the least saying one thing and doing another, if that will win them social approval. They simply live with the discrepancy between their public face and their private reality. Helena Deutsch, a psychoanalyst, called such people the "as-if personality," shifting personas with remarkable plasticity as they pick up signals from those around them. "For some people," Snyder told me, "the public and private person meshes well, while for others there seems to be only a kaleidoscope of changing appearances. They are like Woody Allen's Zelig, madly trying to fit in with whomever they are with."

Such people try to scan someone for a hint as to what is wanted from them before they make a response, rather than simply saying what they truly feel. To get along and be liked, they are willing to make people they dislike think the are friendly with them. And they use their social abilities to mold their actions as disparate social situations demand, so that they may act like very different people depending on whom they are with, swinging from bubbly sociability, say, to reserved withdrawal. To be sure, to the extent that these traits lead to effective impression management, they are highly prized in certain professions, notably acting, trial law, sales, diplomacy, and politics.

Another, perhaps more crucial kind of self-monitoring seems to make the difference between those who end up as anchorless social chameleons, trying to impress everyone, and those who can use their social polish more in keeping with their true feelings. That is the capacity to be true, as the saying has it, "to thine own self," which allows acting in accord with one's deepest feelings and values no mater what the social consequences. Such emotional integrity could well lead to, say, deliberately provoking a confrontation in order to cut through duplicity or denial--a clearing of the air that a social chameleon would never attempt."


Excerpt from p. 119-120 The Social Arts, Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, 2005 edition

番茄牛肉

材料:

牛肉切片醃, 醃料: 蔥薑醬油酒, 太白粉, 其他額外,像是滷醩
六個番茄, 過油燒爛
筍切片
荸薺切片
胡蘿蔔切片
扁豆
洋蔥(額外)

過程:

醃過的牛肉快炒八分熟, 起鍋
洋蔥過油炒出味道, 起鍋(額外)
筍過油炒
洋蔥筍荸薺胡蘿蔔拌入番茄, 如果水不夠多, 加水
煮四十分鐘
加醬油糖白醋鹽巴, 不能多
加入扁豆後, 大火滾
加入牛肉, 大火拌廿秒
移開爐子
完成


這是媽媽跟白阿姨學的. 白阿姨是以前我們在景美的鄰居. 後來我們搬到金華街的時候, 他來幫媽媽帶我和我妹妹. 媽媽說, 他們在景美的時後就很好. 好像是那時候, 媽媽去白阿姨加吃飯的時候學到的.

昨天媽媽去見證人姊妹盒子會時, 他帶的主菜就是這道. 自從他們說要舉辦這次聚會,媽媽就用力想著要帶啥. 因為他們說這次是 Chinese Food 聚會. 這些姊妹說他們都會帶中國菜，　媽媽聽了就有點緊張. 接下來的一個星期，　一會兒說要做滷肉, 一會兒說要做番茄牛肉, 又要帶涼拌蓮藕, 或者是涼拌馬蘭頭，　都無法做決定. 前天在市場買材料的時候，　他終於決定了要做番茄牛肉和馬蘭頭. 涼拌蓮藕也做了, 只是沒做好, 他也就沒有帶去.

他從聚餐回來後, 顯的很愉快. 他說,他到的時候，　那群姊妹都說，　啊，　Ｃｈｉｎｅｓｅ　Ｆｏｄｄ　ｉｓ　ｈｅｒｅ！　他聽了覺得很有趣，　走到餐桌旁才發現，　原來，　這些外國姊妹都是去普通的美國中餐館買了一些外賣．　　他一時啼笑皆非．　　那些中餐館的實在是不怎麼好吃．　　媽媽帶去的菜很受歡迎．　　都吃掉一大半．　　尤其是馬蘭頭！原來那些老姊妹都說，　現在更喜歡吃蔬菜了！　　

他們在聚會的時候先是唱歌唱了兩小時，　又是玩　Ａｐｐｌｅ　ｔｏ　Ａｐｐｌｅ　的遊戲．　　媽媽還贏了一次．　　他說他拿到牌子的時候都會偷笑，　覺得他拿的牌都很好！　　他玩回來的時候真是滿肚子的有聲有色．　　小瑋那時剛好打電話回來，　那時是十點，　他興奮的跟小瑋描述有趣的事情．　　真是好玩．　　

A man and his own self awareness

A man and his own self awareness is important. But how to achieve self awareness is different from person to person. Some people were born with a great sense of self awareness. He has many ways to feel his own presence such as, smarter than other people, calmer than other people, more courageous than other people. He might be able to accomplish more things. He might be more certain on things he has done. But for some, there are uncertainties. They might have self expectation too high to reach by themselves. Their internal senses might not be as sharp to perceive the world around him.

But for most people. The self awareness has to come from doing things. It would require laboring physically, interacting with other people, or thinking and feeling internally. For most people, self awareness could come most easily from physical accomplishment like, a carpenter finished a sculpture, or fixed a chair. Most people would love to call out to other people so they can see what they have been doing. In a way, they would like other people to acknowledge their existence, and more. Because, existence is only existence. How to exist is basic to self awareness as we human, especially to the more educated ones.

An architect realized his project from his blueprints into a physical standing structure. People will see it and said, wow. A carpenter would wish for that as well. A cook prepared a great dish, he would love people to come and enjoy the food. For those people, their accomplishments are visible. It is easier to present. But what about the others, like a policeman? What if this policeman never made an arrest and under his watch, the traffic were always smooth? After his retirement, how can people tell he in the lines of duty, accomplished a great deal for his community? What about a teacher? And most importantly, what about parents?

I heard an old saying somewhere, I forgot where. It said that a Dad needs not his kids saying much about him, but a Mom needs. Because Mom takes care of her kids in the house, the people outside know not much. This would be somewhat odd in a modern world since many moms works outside today . The saying is an ancient one.

地方與中央

正在看許倬雲教授的萬古江河. 有一個地方讓我突然很注意. 他講到說, 自從秦以後, 中國在政治制度上, 地方制度上, 最多三級制, 大多數都是二級制, 也就是郡縣制. 我最近看過的葛劍雄教授也提到這一點.

在封建的時候, 似乎很不一樣的. 因為封建是世襲. 而郡縣, 則是由中央選派官員到地任職. 官員多半不是當地人. 封建即使一開始不是當地人, 幾代下去也就變成當地人. 這是很有趣的事情. 因為, 拿美國來說, 各州, 這鄉鎮縣市, 都是當地人選出來的. 這情況更像封建, 而不像中國秦以後的地方制度.

中國這秦制度, 因為地方長官是中央選派的, 他應該是向中央負責嘍, 他對於地方上的責任是哪些呢? 美國各級地方首長是向地方人民負責, 不知道他們是否要向中央某些責任? 現在台灣的各級地方官員也都是地方選出來的. 大陸的各級地方長官書記好像是中央委派, 他們在行政上的利弊還有和其他台灣不一樣的地方不知道有無研究? 另外, 這樣比可能也不公平, 因為, 台灣各級地方縣市長似乎要受到地方議會的牽制(這點我不是很確定, 我是比照美國的制度). 而我在想, 受到中央委派的大陸地方官或許比較不需要受到地方議會的限制. 但是, 我也不是很確定.

由中央委派的官員到地方去, 我想好處應該是中央可以作巨大全國性的財務, 人員, 資源, 等等的變動. 但是, 因為是中央的人, 地方的聲音不見得能夠傳達. 而中央委派的地方長官在面對地方的要求時, 他的權限和職責似乎也很難分配. 地方和中央如果鬧起來, 這些官員要站在哪裡呢? 如果說, 仍是中央委派地方官員, 但是, 有一個類似美國的地方議會. 那這個官員和地方議會的關係應該是怎樣的呢? 地方議會一定是為地方著想, 中央官員呢?

由地方選出地方官員, 則這個地方官員必然會需要為地方服務. 那可是, 如果地方作出了違反中央的政策時, 那怎麼辦? 如果是由地方選出自己的官員, 那這些官員對於中央的權責是怎樣的呢?

這是一個很可怕的問題. 中國歷史上的分合在我現在看這是核心問題. 每一個朝代一開始, 中央都強. 可是, 越到後面, 中央總是愈來愈弱, 到了一定的時候, 一場大亂, 於是地方割據開始. 周朝就是這樣, 漢朝也是一樣, 晉更不用說, 唐也是一樣, 宋朝似乎沒有這樣, 但是我現在看宋朝和他的時代好像魏晉南北朝, 元朝只有一百年多一點, 明朝的話, 就象我在金庸茶館上看到的, 明朝南遷一下就煙消雲散, 清朝的話, 他的地方割據則要民國後才正式擴大顯現. 就算是現在的美國, 中央和地方的權責似乎仍然有很多問題! 再拿歐盟來說, 愛爾蘭, 希臘等國的破產, 造成西歐各國的慌張, 甚至有傳言說, 歐盟要分裂... 他們也有中央和地方的問題. 在二戰結束之前, 英帝國也有中央和地方緊張的形勢. 這是全世界政權的問題.

地方與中央的首要問題應該是, 到底是啥形成中央和地方? 是啥, 維繫了中央和地方. 即使是小如台灣, 也應該要問這個問題! 是否有實質利益問題? 是否有歷史問題? 是否有感情問題? 是否有利害關係? 是否因為志同道合? 是軍事力量? 因為, 這些還有其他的問題, 應該是決定地方制度的原因.

For augument's sake

A debate was scheduled
Teacher announced
Come one, come all
Whoever excellent in words
Whoever clever with a mouth
Come!
A debate is here

Those excellent in words
Those clever with their mouths
gathered around the teacher
He said, good
Now choose your side
Here's pro and
Here is con

Clever mouths chose their side
Excellent words picked their seats
Teacher then said,
commence

Mouths were clever
they finished their term
Words were excellent
came up with a burn
Mouths were loud and clear
Words were sharp and smoother

Each side were high
Each side were confident
Arguments were made
Points were countered

Mouths controlled their breath well
Words had great poise
At the end
Teacher seem'd swell

At the end
One side won, the other failed
Teacher announced
It's not a matter of win or lose
for argument's sake, please
for argument's sake, only.



in memory of any debate...

和莉君的一個討論

今天和一個認識的人討論了一下真誠的問題. 那人是個 ABC, 所以我就用 sincere and genuine 來討論. 討論到最後, 他說他得要回去查字典...

一開始,他認為 sincere 和 genuine 是一樣的. 兩者都是要求真. sincere 和 genuine 就是內心發出來的感覺, 顯現在外表. 後來, 我說了鄧教授舉出的 中國人比較 sincere(真誠), 外國人比較真實(genuine). 他想想, 好像有道理. 他舉了一個例子. 他說假設美國人看到一個胖子, 他會說, you are beautiful. 但是, 一個中國人看到個胖子, 他的反應很可能是, 你怎麼那麼胖?! 你需要減肥! 他說, 美國人是 not genuine, but sincere. 而中國則是 genuine but not sincere. 我說可是這樣一來, sincere 除了內心和外表一致外, 還要加上令人舒服嗎? 那中國人的 genuine 似乎他心裡也是那樣感覺啊... 我們就從這裡開始糊塗了. 後來的討論越來越奇怪, 之後一片沉寂... 可以聽到烏鴉的聲音... lol

在討論中, 他有說過, 如果那個美國人說, you are beautiful, 可能他是從另一個角度說的, 譬如說他是說性格很美麗...而不光是表面. 如谷這樣那或許美國人還是可以說是 genuine... 在討論中, 我也曾把美國人的講話定位為 polite. 而這個朋友認為中國人的回答用 genuine 不見得合適, 可能 honest 更好. 這裡讓我想到很多很多.

首先, 美國人說的那一句話, 似乎真的在表演. 而中國人的那一句話, 也真的很像一個天真的小孩嘴裡說出來的話... lol

再來, 剛開始的時候, sincere 和 genuine 不經過那麼多轉折, 似乎分不出來有啥不一樣. 即使後來感到有不一樣, 我和他仍然無法在言詞上說出不同處在哪兒. 只有在把 sincere 換成 polite 來形容美國人的答案並且同時把形容中國人的那一個辭從 genuine 轉變成 honest, 之後, 我才感覺踏實了...

第三, 美國人那樣說, 如果有人指為不真實, 他還可以辯論說, 他是從另一個角度去看那胖子. 而不是向那個批評他的人膚淺的只看到胖子肥而已. 而中國人的答覆, 是...反覆不得啊... 美國人那樣說, 比較令人舒服. 而中國人那樣說, 比較衝... 美國人是否表演, 外面的人其實很難指責. 中國人的直, 卻很明顯可以指責為沒有禮貌...

第四, 好的演員, 能夠引起觀眾感同身受(empathy). 但是, 這時候, 演員不見得鐵定有這個感受. 演員實際上可以有真感情, 但是也可以是假的. 這個真假, 只有演員可以知道. 在戲劇裡, 觀眾只求那一時之間的感同身受, 因為感覺就是看戲劇的最大原因而不是考驗理智. 而感覺也並不一定要演員的表現, 音樂, 場景, 導演的其他安排都可以造成觀眾有所感動. 但是在生活上, 人如果只有外在的假裝, 而完全沒有內在的相應, 在長時間下, 原形幾乎必露!

第五, 我覺得我們一定不能把古人和今人看成不一樣. 他們也同樣有相同的要求, 以真誠來說, 孔子說過一句話: 子曰：“論篤是與，君子者乎？色莊者乎？”　［譯］孔子說：“聽到人議論篤實誠懇就表示贊許，但還應看他是真君子呢？還是偽裝莊重的人呢？” 這裡似乎是在找尋 sincerity...

第六, 但是, 這裡似乎也出現另一個問題. 那就是, 禮. 我們通常把 polite 翻譯成禮貌. 我聽過很多禮貌的玩笑. 譬如說, 一個日本人送客到門口, 主人鞠躬如儀, 客人也跟著鞠躬. 但是當主人鞠躬結束一抬頭, 夷, 客人還在彎腰鞠躬, 主人再次鞠躬, 客人一抬頭, 赫, 主人還沒行禮完畢, 客再鞠躬... 於是乎, 兩人鞠躬不停... 我看過另一個真事, 有一個人在網上抱怨, 他說, 我們現在總是說喜歡天真爛慢. 但是, 昨天我打電話去一個辦公室, 接電話的大概是一個廿歲的小姐, 一接電話就是, 幹啥麼?! 我跟他說了來意後, 他大落落的說, 這不關我們的事! 啪, 掛上電話. 這個人氣的... 如果有所謂的表演性, 在現在看, 其實就是古代的禮... 而那個美國人的答覆就是禮的一種體現.

第七, 但是, 當我在講禮的時候. 我卻往往要說, 我們提到禮. 是要分很多層次的. 就像鄧教授提到語言學. 我覺得, 我們提到禮就不能只用禮這個字. 而要分出禮儀, 禮貌, 法律, 制度... 原因是, 就像我前面提到的 sincere 和 genuine 在一開始的還沒正式討論前, 似乎無啥不同. 但是, 在討論後, 雖說我和我朋友說不出來不同處, 但是, 我相信他和我一樣感覺到有不同處. 而我必須要說, 以前的禮的觀念是寬廣的. 在孔子後的兩千五百多年, 禮的討論必須要以禮儀, 禮貌, 法律, 制度, 等等禮生出來的枝葉來進行討論. 而不能再用單字, 禮... 所以, 我和朋友的討論如果在繼續僵在 sincere 和 genuine, 必定不行. 因為 sincere 和 genuine 的意思之後可能變質. 還不如討論 politeness 和 honest 之間的微妙關係...

第八, 大多數人都是有時候真誠, 有時候假仙(台語, 假裝的樣子), 但是, 禮貌就是平時的潤滑劑. 我們有時候, 可能有很多時候, 心裡並不樂意和某人接觸的時候, 禮貌, 就是一種表演. 但是, 當我們真正悲傷或快樂的時候, 禮貌卻是一種舒發的管道. 那個胖子聽到美國人說他美的時候, 他可能心裡仍不這麼覺得, 但是, 和中國人一比起來, 我想信大多數的胖子, 一開始都會比較願意接近美國人而非中國人... 這種表演, 就算不能使人真正接近, 但是減少摩擦.

第九, 我看到一個胖子決對不會說, 你好胖得減肥... 大多數的美國人的確也不會這樣說, 至少我感覺... 我卻不能知道我一定會說啥... 我那朋友舉的例子實在有趣啊... lol

到此, 我已經不知道我自己在說啥了... 我這個人太簡單, 只要是長篇的文章, 我往往就失去文章的主題, 不知道文章到底想說啥... 我對自己寫的東西也一樣... 哈哈哈...