Trust

I lost trust long time ago. That is why, not much could really shock me. There are million of things that sadden me, but not shock. Shock felt more like an excitement.

I wish to regain some trust. But every human being will have flaw. But most importantly, they don't behave the way I expected. I am easily discouraged by this. Although I am perfectly aware that is normal. I need to ask myself, why do I lost trust? I hate people mainly because of them, myself? Do I trust myself?

The answer to that question is a big NO. I am in conflict with my Father. Whenever I thought of him, I can not escape from the guilt. Sure, I can also reason in both ways. Pro or con. But no, I do not want reasoning anymore! I am in confusion with my mom. If I wanted to do something that she disagreed, what should I do? I do not want to disappoint her, yet I do not want to give in. I already felt guilty towards her. But my desire is furious.

But most importantly, I am stuck in between choices. I am stuck. I would feel I am capable of doing something awesome, but at the same time, I feel the opposite. Yes, very cliche. Cliche to the point I would like to pull my eyes out and open my ribs, rips my heart out, thrust my arms down my throat and yanked out my lungs! I absolutely disgusted with myself. A coward, and I wonder if I am a sociopath. I feel I am manipulating people surround me. I don't understand why I do not take my life. I used to think that I should suffer hunger, cold, and wet after my mom pass away. I used all her resources, I made her miserable. I should suffer. But to a coward, death is all he fears. Death I should get.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I need to find a way to trust again. I need to trust. Trust brings the feeling of security. Even it is an illusion. Hahahahahaha, "even it is an illusion"??? That's not trust?! hahahahahahahaha