future

My mom is in terrible shape. Her nose started to bleed these two days. Her right foot started to hurt. She could not sleep at night. She cut herself extremely bad three days ago while trying to cut onions. She is restless. It all started out after my episode three weeks ago. I had a few of that in the past month. I said many hurtful things. I knew things about my mom, too many things. I think this is it. Something are never meant to be said. And I said it.

My mom keeps saying if she died, I will be the one struck the most. And I knew it is true. But I could not find a way out. I can not decide what to do! It is my fault. I focus too much on her. And yet, I know I need to find a way. I know if I find a way, she will be happy. But I dare not to step out. A coward. And the worst, I blamed her for many things. That seemed to become my way. Or how do I explain the outbreak episodes???? I love my mom, but I was so very annoyed by her words, her worries, and her aging. Still so many I's....

This is extremely unfair to her. She endured 15 years for my sister and I in Usa. Nobody wants to be in her position. She is all alone in these 15 years. My father passed away 17 years ago. But even if my father did not pass away, she will still be very lonely. Because my father to my mom was more husband, than companion. At least that is how I feel. Maybe by another 17 years, things might have changed. Anyway, I understand all these. I don't need other people to recount everything to me. Only if I had a way out, to the society, to the point where I could stand on my feet. But no, instead I hid in my mother's house. What can she do? She is watching all her life's work wasted. A son. That is another heartbreak. A heartbreak no one would understand if he or she did not go through for themselves. So everybody blamed her for my condition. Yes, my mother went to mainland China to celebrate my grandfather's 90th birthday this year. Everyone, including my Mom's oldest sister told her to let me go. No one understands how hurtful that is better than me, a coward. A blackhole. It keeps sucking things in without giving anything in return. After that, I am irritable, I am emotional, I am inconsistent, blah blah blah, everything that I am I only showed it to my mom. My sister knows it too. But no one knows son better than his mother. Everything is a burden to the soul. To her soul.

Through my recollection, after we came to Usa, my high school year consisted of ESL class with first Roger, Sky, then Henry, Dan, Eric, Steve; my mother's fight with my sister; we were kicked out of my uncle's house in our first half year; some yard works in my uncle's back yard; Mr. Costello; and my drawings. Where were my mom? Working. Working a job she hated, feeling degraded. What I remembered most is her fights with my sister. These fights lasted until I dropped out College. It lasted until my sister was married.

Yeah, I felt left out. After I got to the college, it was probably stressful. But I never really said much. In fact, I do not remember I felt the need to complain. But the situation was dire when I think back. I was increasingly isolated in my classes and social circles. I kept trying different physical exercises, trying martial arts on my own, and joined art of living program. But no, the injury from my past kept my from trying martial arts, art of living program became weary. The first semester in my second year was no better. I hated my room mate, I isolated myself in the classes, I felt blank or freeze when talking to people. I started to seek out things that relaxed me, like video games, collecting photos from internet, going to library to read Chinese collection. I do not remember I complain too much about school to my families, except my roommate and food. Although I ate so much each meal. My second semester started when my roommate left. I got the room to myself. I was rejoiced. I started to hugging the room, also quitting classes.

I went to Tibet summer 2002.

I thought I could started my third year by switching major from Civil engineer to Biology and starting fresh. But not really. After the first quiz in organic chemistry, I started quitting classes, eventually attended no classes. I said nothing, complained nothing. All these time, I still got calls from my mother, complaining all the fights. Of course, She also asked me how was college. But I could not bear the complaining anymore. I broke down crying once in front of my room mate. I was extremely unstable then. That summer, I dropped out.

All the years after I dropped out, I did nothing. Dan went back to south Korea and finished his college there. My sister stepped behind my mother becoming a Jehovah Witness as well. I got two kitties. My mom does not like kitties, but she loves me. However, I am so not damn lovable anymore. After my father passed away, I could not get rid off the feeling that I killed him. And I have a feeling that I will one day kill my mom. This is it. I could not get out there. I dare not show myself to the world, I kill those who loves me the most.

It is I who got a problem and could not solve it. I drag my mother through dirt and mud killing her. Here I titled the whole thing "future". I am recounting a past. For future is only death. It is just a matter of order.