There is a 2 panel door between warehouse and engineers' office. It's been dysfunction-ed lately which cannot stay closed. I noticed the problem a while ago. I even fancied myself to find the solution for it. But I merely just looked at the latch bolt, strike, and lip. The latch bolt was very far away from both strike and lip. I kept looking at latch, strike, and lip without noticing other places. With that rate, I gave up easily. I can't think of a way to pull both doors closer so latch would touch strike.
Sofya asked me to ask Vic to fix the door a few weeks ago. I must have forgotten to tell Vic. Sofya asked me today again. So I bring Vic's attention to it since it's pretty light today. When Sofya was telling me about the door, she had an interesting observation, that the crack between two door panels were not even. It's closer on the top and further apart towards the bottom. Immediately I thought that must be because when I park the pallets along the wall, it's easy to push into the wall sometimes. And the door frame that attached to that side of the wall must moved by the impact. However, Sofya doubted it. Right now, I doubted it too. Because Vic and I dead bolted big wooden log along the wall to prevent the impact.
Anyway, Vic went and took a look as I was telling him Sofya's observation about the crack. He agreed with the observation. At the same time, kept looking at the door frame, and soon noticed a strike mark under one of the door panel. Something must have clicked in his head. He asked for the small piece of metal, which he found at a nearby table. Once he made sure it's a defected parts, he used that metal piece and put between one of the door panel near the bottom hinge against the frame, and jammed the door panel on the metal piece a few times. It's not a fast movement, more like a squeeze. After about three times, the doors latched on with each other. That was quite amazing to me. I even told Anne later.
A few things I noticed, one is that when I tried to find the problem, I did not notice the uneven crack. I merely looked at the most obvious problem, latch and strike. The other thing was that I also made a conclusion on why things what happened. Even now, I still don't know how this happened. But the problem was solved!
Most interesting. What can I learn from this? I like to gather a lot of data before I make a choice, especially when I buy things. But when facing a problem, I don't spend enough time to observe, or I just narrowed my attention to the most obvious problem, or the most shallow one. Then, finding a reason seemed to somehow satisfied me. It seemed that once I had a reason, I could ignore the problem?! lol!
Most interesting!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Saturday, December 12, 2015
The Song of Wandering Aengus
The
Song of Wandering Aengus
William Butler Yeats
I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.
William Butler Yeats
I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
When I had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.
Tuesday, December 01, 2015
CasinoRoyale
I rewatched Casino Royal.
I did not remember anything from that movie, until I saw a trailer showing the parkour chasing scene. I remembered that I liked it. So I decided to watched it again.
The chasing scene was still the best part of the movie. However, the dialogue was quite good too. But I really need to concentrate on it to get something out of it. Not only because of the accent, I think it's also because they way they speak. They seemed to always skip a step in the conversation. That's how smart people talk. That's how smart the screen writer was . Not a good thing to say, really, kind of reflected on me... lol
The story arch was kind too easy. I mean whenever the movies used secret organization story line, I felt cheated. That reminded me of 孫悟空和金角銀角的故事... Now, that story was funny as hell. But I thought 007 was quite serious, but by using that kind of scenario, and the series kept going on and on. It's just cheap.
As a stand alone movie though, Casino Royal was awesome. I like this actor better. I loved the scene where the agent woke up from the disaster, and was talking to the girl. When girl said something, the agent replied. Immediately, I could see him armored himself up with a smile. The girl pointed it out immediately. Then, the agent truly opened himself up. That was such a true moment. I think everything before was culminating towards that moment. Although the ending was messed up with secret society thing. That scene cannot be reduced by the ending.
I did not remember anything from that movie, until I saw a trailer showing the parkour chasing scene. I remembered that I liked it. So I decided to watched it again.
The chasing scene was still the best part of the movie. However, the dialogue was quite good too. But I really need to concentrate on it to get something out of it. Not only because of the accent, I think it's also because they way they speak. They seemed to always skip a step in the conversation. That's how smart people talk. That's how smart the screen writer was . Not a good thing to say, really, kind of reflected on me... lol
The story arch was kind too easy. I mean whenever the movies used secret organization story line, I felt cheated. That reminded me of 孫悟空和金角銀角的故事... Now, that story was funny as hell. But I thought 007 was quite serious, but by using that kind of scenario, and the series kept going on and on. It's just cheap.
As a stand alone movie though, Casino Royal was awesome. I like this actor better. I loved the scene where the agent woke up from the disaster, and was talking to the girl. When girl said something, the agent replied. Immediately, I could see him armored himself up with a smile. The girl pointed it out immediately. Then, the agent truly opened himself up. That was such a true moment. I think everything before was culminating towards that moment. Although the ending was messed up with secret society thing. That scene cannot be reduced by the ending.
Monday, November 30, 2015
random
You must think that this thing passed. But it did not. I know.
There's nothing to do to boast ourselves. Who's we?
This morning, Mom was very angry at me. For I said she's always said something inconsiderate. The scenario was like this. Mom cooked noodle for breakfast this morning. I filled my bowl myself and added a chicken dish on top of the noodle. She was right besides me when this happened. She asked if I put chicken in my first bowl when I was getting my second bowl of noodle. She quickly concluded herself that I must have not taken the chicken dish the first time. I was annoyed by that saying. For I did, and she was right besides me! So I talked back, how come she said I didn't take the chicken the first time? She needn't saying that at all. The wording was really bad. Further, I added, she's always like this.
She's pissed off immediately. She said: her intention was for me to have a full stomach. She shouldn't say anything at all! She is the most inconsiderate when it came to other people's feeling?! You are a sensitive young man, you think that by saying that I did not trust you...? It's your own problem, if you think that way!
I was upset. Very upset. Why did I use the word, always? I got more upset, because it is partially true that I don't think she trust me. And yet, she won't admit it. When this trust issue, I know I have problem, for I really felt guilty about her situation. I really am. I know at least half of the fault was mine. I mean, she being unhappy and all. But of course, this is a problem I need to deal with. For she is a simpler human being than me. She can let things go. Or on the surface.
But there are other things. I felt that she's right besides me when I took the chicken the first time. How could she forget about that??? I felt ignored. Of course, it probably is normal on her part. She might not really see the action. She could be distracted. Or she simply just blurted out something. Ok, that last one was my imagination again.
I just wish I could shut my mouth and smile and nod, and eat my noodle. Thanks her for the such a wonderful meal. Now, I felt I am a little sarcastic. What about my feeling? MY feeling is my own problem. I need to learn how to deal with it. I will need to learn let it go. I will learn how to speak correctly, rather than just blurt out anything. This was all my fault. Just think about it, as long as I kept my mouth shut and compliment on her, she'd be happy. Or at least not pissed.
This must be my pride. My pride, which I do not see how could I have any pride?! I don't have time to thank enough, but pride?
Now I am angry and tired. What about my feeling? Apologize! Apologize to you mother!!!!!!! She's always right. She's always right.
NO, I don't want to just shut my fucking mouth! I don't want to be uncle! I want to say my piece. I still felt ignored. But of course, mom have the right to ignore me. She can bring me to this life, she can also ignore me. IT is I who needs to find an audience.
I know I am angry still. I know she's still angry. No, this is only in my mind.
There's nothing to do to boast ourselves. Who's we?
This morning, Mom was very angry at me. For I said she's always said something inconsiderate. The scenario was like this. Mom cooked noodle for breakfast this morning. I filled my bowl myself and added a chicken dish on top of the noodle. She was right besides me when this happened. She asked if I put chicken in my first bowl when I was getting my second bowl of noodle. She quickly concluded herself that I must have not taken the chicken dish the first time. I was annoyed by that saying. For I did, and she was right besides me! So I talked back, how come she said I didn't take the chicken the first time? She needn't saying that at all. The wording was really bad. Further, I added, she's always like this.
She's pissed off immediately. She said: her intention was for me to have a full stomach. She shouldn't say anything at all! She is the most inconsiderate when it came to other people's feeling?! You are a sensitive young man, you think that by saying that I did not trust you...? It's your own problem, if you think that way!
I was upset. Very upset. Why did I use the word, always? I got more upset, because it is partially true that I don't think she trust me. And yet, she won't admit it. When this trust issue, I know I have problem, for I really felt guilty about her situation. I really am. I know at least half of the fault was mine. I mean, she being unhappy and all. But of course, this is a problem I need to deal with. For she is a simpler human being than me. She can let things go. Or on the surface.
But there are other things. I felt that she's right besides me when I took the chicken the first time. How could she forget about that??? I felt ignored. Of course, it probably is normal on her part. She might not really see the action. She could be distracted. Or she simply just blurted out something. Ok, that last one was my imagination again.
I just wish I could shut my mouth and smile and nod, and eat my noodle. Thanks her for the such a wonderful meal. Now, I felt I am a little sarcastic. What about my feeling? MY feeling is my own problem. I need to learn how to deal with it. I will need to learn let it go. I will learn how to speak correctly, rather than just blurt out anything. This was all my fault. Just think about it, as long as I kept my mouth shut and compliment on her, she'd be happy. Or at least not pissed.
This must be my pride. My pride, which I do not see how could I have any pride?! I don't have time to thank enough, but pride?
Now I am angry and tired. What about my feeling? Apologize! Apologize to you mother!!!!!!! She's always right. She's always right.
NO, I don't want to just shut my fucking mouth! I don't want to be uncle! I want to say my piece. I still felt ignored. But of course, mom have the right to ignore me. She can bring me to this life, she can also ignore me. IT is I who needs to find an audience.
I know I am angry still. I know she's still angry. No, this is only in my mind.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
insist
the problem is not new.
always forget about what i want.
not just forget, most of time, confused as well.
we need to judge. but judgement did not favor
that moment's passion.
fail seemed inevitable.
sometimes slow is the problem
sometimes no decision was made at all.
but the other half of the time, forgetful
is the problem, really.
how to not forget the good one
i have to judge, no?
to judge, it takes time, no?
so many options, how to choose?
sweat is beading on my nose.
i wish it's an 8 ball.
just give me the choice
i need to make once and for all.
oh, wait, what was on my mind
after all....
always forget about what i want.
not just forget, most of time, confused as well.
we need to judge. but judgement did not favor
that moment's passion.
fail seemed inevitable.
sometimes slow is the problem
sometimes no decision was made at all.
but the other half of the time, forgetful
is the problem, really.
how to not forget the good one
i have to judge, no?
to judge, it takes time, no?
so many options, how to choose?
sweat is beading on my nose.
i wish it's an 8 ball.
just give me the choice
i need to make once and for all.
oh, wait, what was on my mind
after all....
Saturday, November 28, 2015
park and world
I watched Jurassic World a couple weeks ago. I enjoyed quite a bit. I like Chris Pratt, he's naturally funny. The other actor who has similar charisma is Nathan Fillion. I liked the final fight in the movie as well. While watching it, I kept thinking that I liked the first one better though. I wondered why.
I watched the first one again last night. I like the first one better. I think the first one was simpler in terms of scale and complexity. The dino in the park was more animal like. They were more raw. I was simply awed, even for raptors. But in the world, I felt a sense of guidance, an artificial intention. The link between Pratt's character and raptor was a source of emotion, I felt moved, especially towards the end. But it also create something more domesticated. It's probably not avoidable since raptors has been in contact with human for so long. The new Dino was not a dino anymore. It's a monster. In the park, SS, the director wanted to bring audience to see real dinos as real animals, he did not want to show Godzilla or King Kong. But it's kind reversed in the World. Human created a monster instead of dino. Thus, huge chasm between the Park and the World.
It could also be viewed as a hero movie. To me, personally, a story of how a man becomes a hero seemed always more interesting than a story about a Hero who was already a Hero, or even a fall of a Hero. The rise of a hero brought hope and unknown future. That future was exciting. I guess the park has the same effect. The World is not. But it brought great nostalgia when the T-rex went on the roof and claimed his throne. The world is a still very good story nonetheless.
It's interesting to note that in the Park, I saw some local life. But in the World, Dino was the main focus. The other thing to be noted was that Carnivore battle is really the meat of the World. It's also differed from the Park. Of course, any huge dino fight was exciting, especially this well done, but still a huge piece of artificial direction. I kept mentioning about Artificial intention, I think it's unfair. I can' shake it off though. It is clear that every frame was created by a human intention. Its purpose is to hit audience, hoping they would resonant. But, if I could feel that guidance, that means I, as an audience was not in the moment, instead, I was outside, looking in, and I could even see the hands controlling those puppet.
I could even link this feeling with "the Tiger: a true story of Vengeance and Survival". I still couldn't really express my awe from that book. But the impression from the Park and the World did stir something in me that reminded of that book.
I watched the first one again last night. I like the first one better. I think the first one was simpler in terms of scale and complexity. The dino in the park was more animal like. They were more raw. I was simply awed, even for raptors. But in the world, I felt a sense of guidance, an artificial intention. The link between Pratt's character and raptor was a source of emotion, I felt moved, especially towards the end. But it also create something more domesticated. It's probably not avoidable since raptors has been in contact with human for so long. The new Dino was not a dino anymore. It's a monster. In the park, SS, the director wanted to bring audience to see real dinos as real animals, he did not want to show Godzilla or King Kong. But it's kind reversed in the World. Human created a monster instead of dino. Thus, huge chasm between the Park and the World.
It could also be viewed as a hero movie. To me, personally, a story of how a man becomes a hero seemed always more interesting than a story about a Hero who was already a Hero, or even a fall of a Hero. The rise of a hero brought hope and unknown future. That future was exciting. I guess the park has the same effect. The World is not. But it brought great nostalgia when the T-rex went on the roof and claimed his throne. The world is a still very good story nonetheless.
It's interesting to note that in the Park, I saw some local life. But in the World, Dino was the main focus. The other thing to be noted was that Carnivore battle is really the meat of the World. It's also differed from the Park. Of course, any huge dino fight was exciting, especially this well done, but still a huge piece of artificial direction. I kept mentioning about Artificial intention, I think it's unfair. I can' shake it off though. It is clear that every frame was created by a human intention. Its purpose is to hit audience, hoping they would resonant. But, if I could feel that guidance, that means I, as an audience was not in the moment, instead, I was outside, looking in, and I could even see the hands controlling those puppet.
I could even link this feeling with "the Tiger: a true story of Vengeance and Survival". I still couldn't really express my awe from that book. But the impression from the Park and the World did stir something in me that reminded of that book.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
看出事情的真相
我常常覺得, 我看事情都是看事情的真相. 時間一久, 卻感覺愈來愈憤世忌俗. 期實自己哪裡能看到事情的真相呢? 大多都是把這一事和另一事, 或者這一人和那一人比比, 量量, 然後歸納出一個表格. 把以後看到的人事物, 通通往那個表格一放, 就說, 真相就是這樣.
真相嘛,那還不簡單, 每個人都穿衣服, 那不是真相. 把衣服脫了吧. 每個人都有五官四肢, 那不是真相, 把皮相去掉, 剩下的白骨, 那總是真相了吧?!
可憐的人, 自己的歷練有多少? 所經歷的人事物有多少? 不應該那麼早就把評斷是非的標準畫在白紙黑字上... 只要消化在心裡, 然後忘掉吧. 要讓心靈長大, 那張紙, 撕了吧...
真相嘛,那還不簡單, 每個人都穿衣服, 那不是真相. 把衣服脫了吧. 每個人都有五官四肢, 那不是真相, 把皮相去掉, 剩下的白骨, 那總是真相了吧?!
可憐的人, 自己的歷練有多少? 所經歷的人事物有多少? 不應該那麼早就把評斷是非的標準畫在白紙黑字上... 只要消化在心裡, 然後忘掉吧. 要讓心靈長大, 那張紙, 撕了吧...
unmovalbe object
Do you ever wonder, wondering how were you falling into sleep? I did. I wondered about it a lot. I wondered what was I doing right before sleep happened. I wonder if I was imagining something. For it seemed that I could fall into sleep quite easily, if I cooked up a story first. But I always wondered, how come I never really dreamed of those stories. In fact, I never really remembered my dream during my sleep. But right after I opened my eyes, the imagination I cooked up before I sleep, I could still remembered them.
------------------------
What's the point of the above paragraph? What is the theme that I want to explore? I feel I lost the topics. I usually went blank if I wanted to start something. I thought if I scrambled on, I could find it. For one moment, I know it was there. But then, I could not stop scrambling. Or, I thought if was on the train of thoughts then. So if I kept scrambling, it would appear automatically. No. It's not the case. How sad...
-----------------------
------------------------
What's the point of the above paragraph? What is the theme that I want to explore? I feel I lost the topics. I usually went blank if I wanted to start something. I thought if I scrambled on, I could find it. For one moment, I know it was there. But then, I could not stop scrambling. Or, I thought if was on the train of thoughts then. So if I kept scrambling, it would appear automatically. No. It's not the case. How sad...
-----------------------
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Fall came
I went to Texas last week, from Tues to Fri. It's a very short trip. We went to my aunt's new home, which is really middle of nowhere. We went to Houston and Austin, both 5 hour round trip. But it is unique. The ranch was big, and there are cows free ranging 6 feet off our front door. I was hoping to pet a cow. But they were extremely shy. It was a curious sight when all of sudden, all cow raised their head to look at you. You know it's true that they noticed you although I don't want to anthropomorphize the cow. At that moment, it felt funny like I was being discovered by a group people I was trying to sneak around. I was wearing red the first day so I was also wonder if they'd charge because of that. lol That range is beautiful. It has at least 2 ponds, a wooded area, the landscape was interesting enough. But it needs a lot of work. I wonder if my aunt and her husband could really handle it.
----------------------------------------------
Like I said that place was far from big city. We went to Austin to meet my cousin, that was a 5 hour trip, wait, cross that, with some stops along the way, it was a whole day trip. And we only meet my cousin for a 40 minutes Ramen... The soup itself was decent enough, but portion was small...
Then on Thursday, we went to Wendy's house in Houston for dinner. It was only a meal, not even a tea time. Then, whew, we were leaving. PQ driving home this time. It was really dark the closer we get to the destination. To me, it's amazing to drive 5 hours round trip just to have a meal. But my gosh, when I looked back it was like a dream. Short, weird, but vivid. It was in a hurry, many details were missing. It felt awkward. That awkward may make the trip memorable? lol
------------------------------------------------
On the last night in Texas, I had a dream. I dreamt of CJ dressed in a black dress, with a bit shoulders showing. She walked to my left side, then maybe we exchanged a few words. I thought she was going to sit by my side. But no, she sat on my left thigh. I could not help but exploded to hug her, put my head on her shoulder. Then I was pulled from it, in a state of shock.
------------------------------------------------
We went to rock climbing on 10-18-2015 morning with george, george's wife, CJ, CJ's brother. I was surprised that all of us could accomplishing a lot for that day. I thought george was doing great, so was his wife, tian zhou yiao. CJ's brother did not surprise me. I already knew her will, but I was surprised at CJ's ability to climb. CJ's brother seemed really interested, he even asked the staff there about the transportation. It surprised me that the rcok gym provide service to pick people up at subway station!
After two and half hours of climbing, we went to Brooklyn to eat. On the way back, I missed a turn, then I have to pay the toll booth... :p
--------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
Like I said that place was far from big city. We went to Austin to meet my cousin, that was a 5 hour trip, wait, cross that, with some stops along the way, it was a whole day trip. And we only meet my cousin for a 40 minutes Ramen... The soup itself was decent enough, but portion was small...
Then on Thursday, we went to Wendy's house in Houston for dinner. It was only a meal, not even a tea time. Then, whew, we were leaving. PQ driving home this time. It was really dark the closer we get to the destination. To me, it's amazing to drive 5 hours round trip just to have a meal. But my gosh, when I looked back it was like a dream. Short, weird, but vivid. It was in a hurry, many details were missing. It felt awkward. That awkward may make the trip memorable? lol
------------------------------------------------
On the last night in Texas, I had a dream. I dreamt of CJ dressed in a black dress, with a bit shoulders showing. She walked to my left side, then maybe we exchanged a few words. I thought she was going to sit by my side. But no, she sat on my left thigh. I could not help but exploded to hug her, put my head on her shoulder. Then I was pulled from it, in a state of shock.
------------------------------------------------
We went to rock climbing on 10-18-2015 morning with george, george's wife, CJ, CJ's brother. I was surprised that all of us could accomplishing a lot for that day. I thought george was doing great, so was his wife, tian zhou yiao. CJ's brother did not surprise me. I already knew her will, but I was surprised at CJ's ability to climb. CJ's brother seemed really interested, he even asked the staff there about the transportation. It surprised me that the rcok gym provide service to pick people up at subway station!
After two and half hours of climbing, we went to Brooklyn to eat. On the way back, I missed a turn, then I have to pay the toll booth... :p
--------------------------------------------------
Saturday, October 24, 2015
movies, pictures, expression
Since life of pi, the movie, I was stunned by the graphical power of movie. I never felt such incredible visual feat other than disney's anime and 宮崎駿 的 cartoons. I watched another movie, mad max fury road, that gave me the same impression this year. The difference is that life of pi used a lot of CGI, Mad max the fury road did not. In face, it's a total contrast, the campaign boasted that instead of CGI, they used traditional, real physical stunts! It was truly fast and furious. The third movie gave me the same feeling was the secret life of walter mitty. It used some CGI to create imaginary sequences in the early stage. But it did not abandon the real physical beauty of the surroundings. As the story progressed, the real world took the front role. It eventually bring the audience to see majestic scenery.
However, I find one thing very interesting. The story arch of these three movies are extremely simple. The dialogue used in the movies is elegant maybe, but simple as well. The mad max fury road brought the dialogue down on the dirt surface. Life of pi used exclamation and monologue most of the time. The secret life of walter mitty was consisted of awkward silence and awkward conversation. This is interesting. Because I would usually consider dialogue as king in movies. That's what drives movie in terms of story, character, and mood usually. But here, pictures delivered impact beyond words.
However, I find one thing very interesting. The story arch of these three movies are extremely simple. The dialogue used in the movies is elegant maybe, but simple as well. The mad max fury road brought the dialogue down on the dirt surface. Life of pi used exclamation and monologue most of the time. The secret life of walter mitty was consisted of awkward silence and awkward conversation. This is interesting. Because I would usually consider dialogue as king in movies. That's what drives movie in terms of story, character, and mood usually. But here, pictures delivered impact beyond words.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
rockclimbing
I finally went to rock climbing today. Since two years ago that I know there're climbing gyms around my area, I finally got to do it.
For the past few weeks I was trying to get some colleagues to go to the gym, mainly CJ, George... But it's a hard process. It's hard to coordinate schedule, mostly. George also had reservation about such strenuous activity. I don't have clue how rock climbing really is. But George's wife expressed interest...so, there he goes, I guess. CJ wanted to bring his brother, but his brother is working at CVS. He also wanted to make sure that it's worth to use a personal day.
So I decided to try it out before getting them all involved. I talked to my sister, we decided to go together on Sunday afternoon. And instead of Woburn, we went to the one in Everett. It's bigger than the Woburn gym, My bother in law said. We need to sign the waiver to get in, I read a little and was surprised to see that even if the equipment failed, it's still not gym's fault! It sounds scary. But anyway, I was already there, gotta gathering the courage. We decided to do auto belay and boulder.
I got on the auto belay and got on to the top in my first try. But it was coming down that's scared me. At first I was trying to climbing down. I got tired. However, to let the auto belay get me down, I was really scared, I hate the sensation of falling. I was struggling while breaking with the auto belay. I landed facing out instead of facing the wall. Then I went to bouldering. This one does not need ropes, the height is shorter, but still you need a thick pad down below, so it can break your fall. I somehow felt less stress with it. So I did bouldering for a quite a while, then April and her husband came to look for me. Then we went to do some more auto belaying. However, this time, it's really hard for me. Because I could not climbing a single one successfully. My forearms were stiffed up, could not exert too much power when that happened! I tried another 3 auto belay courses, all failed. I can still so bouldering though.
After about 2 hours, we went to April's home to have hot pot.
It was fun! But I have doubts that George and CJ would enjoy it... Maybe CJ's bother would.
For the past few weeks I was trying to get some colleagues to go to the gym, mainly CJ, George... But it's a hard process. It's hard to coordinate schedule, mostly. George also had reservation about such strenuous activity. I don't have clue how rock climbing really is. But George's wife expressed interest...so, there he goes, I guess. CJ wanted to bring his brother, but his brother is working at CVS. He also wanted to make sure that it's worth to use a personal day.
So I decided to try it out before getting them all involved. I talked to my sister, we decided to go together on Sunday afternoon. And instead of Woburn, we went to the one in Everett. It's bigger than the Woburn gym, My bother in law said. We need to sign the waiver to get in, I read a little and was surprised to see that even if the equipment failed, it's still not gym's fault! It sounds scary. But anyway, I was already there, gotta gathering the courage. We decided to do auto belay and boulder.
I got on the auto belay and got on to the top in my first try. But it was coming down that's scared me. At first I was trying to climbing down. I got tired. However, to let the auto belay get me down, I was really scared, I hate the sensation of falling. I was struggling while breaking with the auto belay. I landed facing out instead of facing the wall. Then I went to bouldering. This one does not need ropes, the height is shorter, but still you need a thick pad down below, so it can break your fall. I somehow felt less stress with it. So I did bouldering for a quite a while, then April and her husband came to look for me. Then we went to do some more auto belaying. However, this time, it's really hard for me. Because I could not climbing a single one successfully. My forearms were stiffed up, could not exert too much power when that happened! I tried another 3 auto belay courses, all failed. I can still so bouldering though.
After about 2 hours, we went to April's home to have hot pot.
It was fun! But I have doubts that George and CJ would enjoy it... Maybe CJ's bother would.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
her
it's horrible. i see her everywhere, on my window drapes, my walls, when i was at walmart today as well... you name it, i see her there. i wish to hug her, kiss her. but it's not a good match. and she would never say yes anyway. i know i am not ready in any aspect of my life, i hate myself for knowing. absolute hate myself. we are way too different. it's an obsession. love is to tolerate with kindness. i already saw her with somebody else. and me, just a bystander, one of those passing through her life.
i don't care. i saw her everywhere. i want to hug her, feel her weight on me, her smooth skin, with a laugh in her eyes, her scent in my nose. i will close my eyes. i want to own her, the same way she owns me too.
what if she said yes. i don't ask myself if she said no. for that's a silly question, similar to asking if i am going to die or not. what if she said yes, then what? where to go, what to say, do i even exist? it's not a joy, for the thoughts of her does not give me pleasure most of the time. it stings me with how incapable of my own image. i am no good. i judged myself to eternal sleep, where not even flame is raised, but nothingness, and forgetfulness.
in fire and ice, i crumbled. I love her, it's a possessive idea. i want her everything to myself. me, only. me only.
i see her everywhere. i want her.
i don't care. i saw her everywhere. i want to hug her, feel her weight on me, her smooth skin, with a laugh in her eyes, her scent in my nose. i will close my eyes. i want to own her, the same way she owns me too.
what if she said yes. i don't ask myself if she said no. for that's a silly question, similar to asking if i am going to die or not. what if she said yes, then what? where to go, what to say, do i even exist? it's not a joy, for the thoughts of her does not give me pleasure most of the time. it stings me with how incapable of my own image. i am no good. i judged myself to eternal sleep, where not even flame is raised, but nothingness, and forgetfulness.
in fire and ice, i crumbled. I love her, it's a possessive idea. i want her everything to myself. me, only. me only.
i see her everywhere. i want her.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
moving castle
i just saw howl's moving castle yesterday again. it is a very nice story. I wonder why I don't remember about it at all. This is my second viewing.
thoughts
昨天早上十點休息時, aaron 和 cj 到倉庫裡問我要否走路? 我說好. 後來, michelle 和 sofya 也來了. 我們就繞著公司的房子走了幾圈. 我想也只有aaron 才能叫 cj 出來走一走. 之前, 我叫過一次, 和 sofya 還有我一起走, 但是他沒答應. 這兩周我也和 aaron 和 cj 提到應該要在休息的時候做做運動.
有點妒羨之情. :D
-------------------------------------------------------
昨天回家的時候, 媽媽有點 upset. 這幾天氣真的是太好了, 他因為腳, 哪裡都不能去. 心情一定是低落的. 吃完飯後, 我就澆水, 剪點韭菜和蔥. 我希望我有無窮的故事講給他聽, 他不見得會喜歡, 但是至少是一個分散注意力的方法.
------------------------------------------------------
昨天我把飲食男女借給 sofya, 他下午的時候到倉庫問我, 這電影是否有性的鏡頭? 我說有一點裸露的片段. 他說他兒子會東問西問的. 所以他要決定是否和他的娃一起看...
---------------------------------------------------------
vic 和我做了一整天的 inventory. 因為前幾天發現有兩個貨可能混了. 一個多了三百, 一個少三百. 於是, vic 發憤要把所有不合資料庫的數據通通抓出來改正. 可是一旦到了 C 的部分, 我們就懶了. 其實也是沒必要, 不然整個 whole chain 都要出問題, 從 logistic 到 accounting.
到了四點半, alex 到倉庫和我們開會, 因為有個客戶抱怨他們的貨物上有膠帶的痕跡. 他們要用酒精清半天. vic 抓住機會, 給 alex 我們作的 inventory. 我覺得很好玩, 因為以前聽舅舅說外國人會把自己做的事情和上司一件件的提. 我自從和 vic 同事, 發現真的是如此. 當然還是得看人, 我就懷疑 anne 會否如此. Alex 聽了後, 好像也很高興, 我們自發的做了這個公司的整批 inventory. 我想他可能覺得有點好玩, 但是也是很高興.
-------------------------------------------------------
有點妒羨之情. :D
-------------------------------------------------------
昨天回家的時候, 媽媽有點 upset. 這幾天氣真的是太好了, 他因為腳, 哪裡都不能去. 心情一定是低落的. 吃完飯後, 我就澆水, 剪點韭菜和蔥. 我希望我有無窮的故事講給他聽, 他不見得會喜歡, 但是至少是一個分散注意力的方法.
------------------------------------------------------
昨天我把飲食男女借給 sofya, 他下午的時候到倉庫問我, 這電影是否有性的鏡頭? 我說有一點裸露的片段. 他說他兒子會東問西問的. 所以他要決定是否和他的娃一起看...
---------------------------------------------------------
vic 和我做了一整天的 inventory. 因為前幾天發現有兩個貨可能混了. 一個多了三百, 一個少三百. 於是, vic 發憤要把所有不合資料庫的數據通通抓出來改正. 可是一旦到了 C 的部分, 我們就懶了. 其實也是沒必要, 不然整個 whole chain 都要出問題, 從 logistic 到 accounting.
到了四點半, alex 到倉庫和我們開會, 因為有個客戶抱怨他們的貨物上有膠帶的痕跡. 他們要用酒精清半天. vic 抓住機會, 給 alex 我們作的 inventory. 我覺得很好玩, 因為以前聽舅舅說外國人會把自己做的事情和上司一件件的提. 我自從和 vic 同事, 發現真的是如此. 當然還是得看人, 我就懷疑 anne 會否如此. Alex 聽了後, 好像也很高興, 我們自發的做了這個公司的整批 inventory. 我想他可能覺得有點好玩, 但是也是很高興.
-------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
some records
Mom fractured her left ankle on 8/24/2015 before 5:00 clock afternoon. I was at the library at the time. Our neighbor, Mark & Paula's daughter saw it and came over to help her up. I thought it was just a sprained ankle, but when my sister heard of it. She insisted on bring mom to the doctor. That was Tuesday. It was a fracture after mom went to Lowell's Gen's emergency unit twice.
Mom kept mentioning how it was a much better experience compared to the last time she fractured her knee cap. It was a much pleasant experience, I agree. But sadly, it seemed I did not have much recollection of it! This is truly weird! I can sum up something basic, like maintaining toilet seat... but I can't remember much else... I do not understand the reasoning behind.
It somehow reminded me a movie, where the protagonist was cruising life using a remote control. Maybe I was like that. Very sad.
--------------------------
We had some weird inventory count discrepancy, some part number have more stock. We missed three weeks inventory count since 8/17/2015. CJ proposed it as a shipping error. Because there's another one very similar part number located right below, was missing exactly the same amount that was over. Vic was annoyed. I thought it could be a box misplacement induced shipping error. But a shipping error nonetheless.
I just remembered that when Vic was off on the week of 8/24/2015, I was picking his part, the p/n that was missing, was already missing 300 pcs. My record that week on that p/n was incomplete, for I thought I would come back and count, if I got time! Sadly, I did not.
The ATW part is the same thing. But CJ agreed to zeroed it out. We will see.
Mom kept mentioning how it was a much better experience compared to the last time she fractured her knee cap. It was a much pleasant experience, I agree. But sadly, it seemed I did not have much recollection of it! This is truly weird! I can sum up something basic, like maintaining toilet seat... but I can't remember much else... I do not understand the reasoning behind.
It somehow reminded me a movie, where the protagonist was cruising life using a remote control. Maybe I was like that. Very sad.
--------------------------
We had some weird inventory count discrepancy, some part number have more stock. We missed three weeks inventory count since 8/17/2015. CJ proposed it as a shipping error. Because there's another one very similar part number located right below, was missing exactly the same amount that was over. Vic was annoyed. I thought it could be a box misplacement induced shipping error. But a shipping error nonetheless.
I just remembered that when Vic was off on the week of 8/24/2015, I was picking his part, the p/n that was missing, was already missing 300 pcs. My record that week on that p/n was incomplete, for I thought I would come back and count, if I got time! Sadly, I did not.
The ATW part is the same thing. But CJ agreed to zeroed it out. We will see.
Wednesday, September 09, 2015
回顧
我回顧了一下我的網誌. 超過半數是很爛的文章. 基本上詞不達意. 完全是沒有經過處理過得文字. 這本是我的初衷. 因為, 在現實生活裡, 我以為我和別人溝通上, 大多都是經過考慮後才出發的. 但是, 兩年多的工作上, 我發現, 事實並非如此.
沒錯, 事實並非如我所想. 我是緊盯著自己的一舉一動, 但是, 真正考慮後, 說出理想的話語卻很少. 絕少. 至少, 讓我自己覺得說完後, 感覺很滿意的很少. 說話後, 基本上都是感覺害怕, 後悔, 和希望以後別說了... 我和別人在溝通上似乎總是有障礙.
==========
昨天幾件事, 早餐, 媽媽要做飯, 看到櫥櫃裡一大堆的香料, 就埋怨我怎麼買大堆都不用. 我上樓刷牙去的時候, 還在跟自己說要當耳邊風, 下來, 他還在念. 我就不爽了. 又用了很重的口吻和言詞來表示自己的憤怒. 主要在說, 這有啥好一直念的, 你倒楣, 你的兒女都是這樣, 買了又不用的...
我就是不能了解. 為啥會這樣. 他一開始說的時候就不能逃避. 馬上要有反應. 不然無法化解. 馬上就應該說, 那現在你比較常做菜, 我來告訴你怎麼用, 或許你可以幫我用掉. 這是我臨出門時做的. 幫他把 annatto 磨成粉.
不久前, 有次和小瑋談話, 他說,每次我發完脾氣, 如果他來家裡, 媽媽就會在他面前哭. 我聽了是痛苦極了. 痛苦極了. 不知道要怎樣. 每次媽媽開始嘮叨某件事, 我都是避而不談. 但是, 這不是辦法. 不能躲避. 不能畏懼. 一害怕就要想辦法拐彎抹角.
--------------------------------------------------------
沒錯, 事實並非如我所想. 我是緊盯著自己的一舉一動, 但是, 真正考慮後, 說出理想的話語卻很少. 絕少. 至少, 讓我自己覺得說完後, 感覺很滿意的很少. 說話後, 基本上都是感覺害怕, 後悔, 和希望以後別說了... 我和別人在溝通上似乎總是有障礙.
==========
昨天幾件事, 早餐, 媽媽要做飯, 看到櫥櫃裡一大堆的香料, 就埋怨我怎麼買大堆都不用. 我上樓刷牙去的時候, 還在跟自己說要當耳邊風, 下來, 他還在念. 我就不爽了. 又用了很重的口吻和言詞來表示自己的憤怒. 主要在說, 這有啥好一直念的, 你倒楣, 你的兒女都是這樣, 買了又不用的...
我就是不能了解. 為啥會這樣. 他一開始說的時候就不能逃避. 馬上要有反應. 不然無法化解. 馬上就應該說, 那現在你比較常做菜, 我來告訴你怎麼用, 或許你可以幫我用掉. 這是我臨出門時做的. 幫他把 annatto 磨成粉.
不久前, 有次和小瑋談話, 他說,每次我發完脾氣, 如果他來家裡, 媽媽就會在他面前哭. 我聽了是痛苦極了. 痛苦極了. 不知道要怎樣. 每次媽媽開始嘮叨某件事, 我都是避而不談. 但是, 這不是辦法. 不能躲避. 不能畏懼. 一害怕就要想辦法拐彎抹角.
--------------------------------------------------------
Monday, September 07, 2015
random, i guess
I want to make an wedding card for michelle. I think that would be an interesting project. But my gosh, there are so many videos on youtube. They were all amazing. They all need a lot of props.
At first, I was only thinking of drawing on it. But by looking at this, I'd say that drawing would be hard. I am thinking cutting some papers and paste on each other would be easier. But I will need to find out.
----------------------------------------------
i am going for a jog. Just to see how's my condition in terms of ankle and waist. I know it's strengthened through 7 - 8 years of centergy. But can I sustain prolonged, repeated action? I know I need some cardio and strength training. We'll see.
------------------------------------------------
I have a rapid weight loss. I guess sleep less, and eat less has it's toll. But most importantly, where did my heart go? I know the answer but I can't tell anyone. Nobody want to listen to a problem, for which, I did not intend to solve it.
----------------------------------------------------
I went to skyline trail in medford yesterday afternoon. I got lost in there. It was quite big, the sign was no as clear as I wished for. I was sort in a hurry, since my sister and her husband was coming to my house for dinner. I, of course, got out safe.
They brought chili, dumplings, we stir fried eggs and leek, ma po tofu. It was a pretty good meal.
----------------------------------------------------
At first, I was only thinking of drawing on it. But by looking at this, I'd say that drawing would be hard. I am thinking cutting some papers and paste on each other would be easier. But I will need to find out.
----------------------------------------------
i am going for a jog. Just to see how's my condition in terms of ankle and waist. I know it's strengthened through 7 - 8 years of centergy. But can I sustain prolonged, repeated action? I know I need some cardio and strength training. We'll see.
------------------------------------------------
I have a rapid weight loss. I guess sleep less, and eat less has it's toll. But most importantly, where did my heart go? I know the answer but I can't tell anyone. Nobody want to listen to a problem, for which, I did not intend to solve it.
----------------------------------------------------
I went to skyline trail in medford yesterday afternoon. I got lost in there. It was quite big, the sign was no as clear as I wished for. I was sort in a hurry, since my sister and her husband was coming to my house for dinner. I, of course, got out safe.
They brought chili, dumplings, we stir fried eggs and leek, ma po tofu. It was a pretty good meal.
----------------------------------------------------
a few movies
water diviner:
russell crowe's director debut. it's a pretty solid film. The story is about an Australian father trying to find his three sons after his wife drowned herself. He traveled to the unknown land of Turkey since his sons were reported killed on battlefield of WW1.
The story to me was nothing too special. What's interesting though was a little poke of Turkey's history, it's people, and it's art from the movie. I don't remember I've seen these from the other movies. Since the story was nothing too special, it's characters however, was interesting enough to connect with the audience. Interesting is a tad too light, I'd say that they were in their own way that likeable.
-------------------------------
chappie:
It's the third movie I saw from this director. He's holding on to his root tightly. I think it's a good things really.
The storyline wasn't too surprising really, until the end. I think the direction of the ending was innovative. Considering director's previous effort, I should not be too surprised at the ending, but I was. Just by looking at hj's face on the cover, I'd never guessed he's a bad guy here. But it's a good change, I guess. He did a decent job. The focus of the film was of course, Chappie. The growing curve of chappie did grasp my attention and sympathy, especially when he realized the mortality of his own life.
------------------------------------
russell crowe's director debut. it's a pretty solid film. The story is about an Australian father trying to find his three sons after his wife drowned herself. He traveled to the unknown land of Turkey since his sons were reported killed on battlefield of WW1.
The story to me was nothing too special. What's interesting though was a little poke of Turkey's history, it's people, and it's art from the movie. I don't remember I've seen these from the other movies. Since the story was nothing too special, it's characters however, was interesting enough to connect with the audience. Interesting is a tad too light, I'd say that they were in their own way that likeable.
-------------------------------
chappie:
It's the third movie I saw from this director. He's holding on to his root tightly. I think it's a good things really.
The storyline wasn't too surprising really, until the end. I think the direction of the ending was innovative. Considering director's previous effort, I should not be too surprised at the ending, but I was. Just by looking at hj's face on the cover, I'd never guessed he's a bad guy here. But it's a good change, I guess. He did a decent job. The focus of the film was of course, Chappie. The growing curve of chappie did grasp my attention and sympathy, especially when he realized the mortality of his own life.
------------------------------------
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Some thoughts
I watched redemption last night. It was pretty good. It in some way reminded me of gunman. They were both plot driven action movie. But gunman was a prettier movie, redemption felt more like a social issue movie. Gunman also reminded me of American sniper. But Action in american sniper was not the focus. Gunman was the opposite, at least to me. The reason I chose gunman to watch was simply because I was quite impressed with sean penn in the secret life of walter mitty. I passed redemption many times in library simply because I felt that jason statham was just being himself in most of movies. It's tiresome after a while. This movie held up because the plot. I said social issue at first because the featurette of the movie mentioned that 10% of homeless wanderers in london was ex soldiers. That is a surprising thing to me. And the movie describing such character with a story arch that slowly exploded was quite nice. Jason statham was not bad here.
--------------------------------------------------
外公要給舅媽接風,因為他上個星期才從 DC 回來. 於是我和媽媽作陪客和舅舅, 舅媽, 外公去老四川吃飯. 去的路上, 媽媽不斷講話. 說到今天早上, 外公竟然和媽媽說, 老王的爸爸三年前帶著老王來到了美國, 又學英文, 又學中文, 又教老王詩詞, 所以老王現在可以寫寫詩詞, 都是她老爸教的. 但是, 老王就是懶惰, 所以英文現在一個字不識, 只會在後面種黃瓜. 媽媽說他聽了就禁不住大笑起起來. 因為老王的是自己夫妻倆自己來的. 而且, 老王都六十了, 他過世的老爸即使真的來了, 也已經九十左右了, 怎麼可能又學英文, 又學中文? 可是和他面對面的外公可就完全不能理解媽媽為啥笑了. 所以他很不滿意,他自己和老媽講正經話, 卻被笑成這樣實在太不像話了. 媽媽說他自己聽完後, 就趕快打電話給佩蘭阿姨. 現在又忍不住得要講再一遍. 舅舅說他早就聽過了. 媽媽聽了說, 那你怎麼沒有和我講過哩? 舅舅說, 我腦袋裡總不能老裝著這些東西啊.
去老四川, 叫菜後都是一大碗飯, 大家分著吃. 現在大家去吃的都有譜了, 口水魚, 獅子頭, 辣子雞, 白油燃麵, 夫妻肺片. 吃著, 吃著, 舅舅, 舅媽, 也就隨口問問我最近怎麼樣. 因為好像聽說, 我因肩傷已經一陣子沒去瑜珈, 然後三天前, 胃又出了大毛病. 我也問問毛這次回來的情況. 我也說上次去問毛, 如果我睡不著, 怎麼辦? 毛就說聽呼吸然後不要去控制呼吸, 應該可以幫助. 媽媽一直擔心外公吃不飽, 因為菜都是辣的. 後來, 獅子頭上來了, 媽媽才稍微鬆了口氣. 那一大碗飯也在這時快要吃完. 舅媽常常說的, 來老四川他似乎是來吃白飯的. 因為所有的菜都很下飯. 講完沒多久, 外公就和舅舅說, 我這一輩子沒看過, 出來吃飯大家猛吃白飯, 白飯都吃完了, 結果所有的菜都還剩的. 這樣看來, 真是太不好意思了. 今天我請客, 如果這些菜不喜歡, 就再叫一些其他的! 在他的催促下, 我們後來又點了個甜品.
回家的路上, 我印象最深的就是, 舅舅和舅媽解釋外公總是小小心心的看著大家的一舉一動. 看看每個人喜歡吃得甚麼菜. 把這些當作資料收到腦袋裡儲存在 data base 裡, 將來可以利用. 後來媽媽不知道說了甚麼, 舅媽說這些都是很令人難過的事情. 再後來, 媽媽不知道為甚麼大聲問舅舅, 咦, 掛在你後照鏡上的牌子是你去工作的停車場牌子嗎? 舅舅沒有回答, 舅媽一下子把那塊牌子拿下來放進手邊的小櫃子裡.
一旁的外公睡睡醒醒, 到家的時候, 本來舅舅還要和他去麥當勞喝咖啡. 但是外公看起來早忘了,一付睡眼惺忪的樣子. 也回家去了.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I watched it follows last week. This movie has late 80's and early 90's vibe. The atmosphere was gradually building up. It's a pretty good film. The subject in the movie was very interesting. My interpretation of the theme was that it's about STD. But I guess it can also have many guesses. This and Babadook are the two horror films I saw lately. Both are very thoughtful. They both use a lot of metaphors to bring out the fear in people rather than just plain monsters and gore. I feel, at least for me, both movies has many aspects that needs to time to dig deeper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------
外公要給舅媽接風,因為他上個星期才從 DC 回來. 於是我和媽媽作陪客和舅舅, 舅媽, 外公去老四川吃飯. 去的路上, 媽媽不斷講話. 說到今天早上, 外公竟然和媽媽說, 老王的爸爸三年前帶著老王來到了美國, 又學英文, 又學中文, 又教老王詩詞, 所以老王現在可以寫寫詩詞, 都是她老爸教的. 但是, 老王就是懶惰, 所以英文現在一個字不識, 只會在後面種黃瓜. 媽媽說他聽了就禁不住大笑起起來. 因為老王的是自己夫妻倆自己來的. 而且, 老王都六十了, 他過世的老爸即使真的來了, 也已經九十左右了, 怎麼可能又學英文, 又學中文? 可是和他面對面的外公可就完全不能理解媽媽為啥笑了. 所以他很不滿意,他自己和老媽講正經話, 卻被笑成這樣實在太不像話了. 媽媽說他自己聽完後, 就趕快打電話給佩蘭阿姨. 現在又忍不住得要講再一遍. 舅舅說他早就聽過了. 媽媽聽了說, 那你怎麼沒有和我講過哩? 舅舅說, 我腦袋裡總不能老裝著這些東西啊.
去老四川, 叫菜後都是一大碗飯, 大家分著吃. 現在大家去吃的都有譜了, 口水魚, 獅子頭, 辣子雞, 白油燃麵, 夫妻肺片. 吃著, 吃著, 舅舅, 舅媽, 也就隨口問問我最近怎麼樣. 因為好像聽說, 我因肩傷已經一陣子沒去瑜珈, 然後三天前, 胃又出了大毛病. 我也問問毛這次回來的情況. 我也說上次去問毛, 如果我睡不著, 怎麼辦? 毛就說聽呼吸然後不要去控制呼吸, 應該可以幫助. 媽媽一直擔心外公吃不飽, 因為菜都是辣的. 後來, 獅子頭上來了, 媽媽才稍微鬆了口氣. 那一大碗飯也在這時快要吃完. 舅媽常常說的, 來老四川他似乎是來吃白飯的. 因為所有的菜都很下飯. 講完沒多久, 外公就和舅舅說, 我這一輩子沒看過, 出來吃飯大家猛吃白飯, 白飯都吃完了, 結果所有的菜都還剩的. 這樣看來, 真是太不好意思了. 今天我請客, 如果這些菜不喜歡, 就再叫一些其他的! 在他的催促下, 我們後來又點了個甜品.
回家的路上, 我印象最深的就是, 舅舅和舅媽解釋外公總是小小心心的看著大家的一舉一動. 看看每個人喜歡吃得甚麼菜. 把這些當作資料收到腦袋裡儲存在 data base 裡, 將來可以利用. 後來媽媽不知道說了甚麼, 舅媽說這些都是很令人難過的事情. 再後來, 媽媽不知道為甚麼大聲問舅舅, 咦, 掛在你後照鏡上的牌子是你去工作的停車場牌子嗎? 舅舅沒有回答, 舅媽一下子把那塊牌子拿下來放進手邊的小櫃子裡.
一旁的外公睡睡醒醒, 到家的時候, 本來舅舅還要和他去麥當勞喝咖啡. 但是外公看起來早忘了,一付睡眼惺忪的樣子. 也回家去了.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I watched it follows last week. This movie has late 80's and early 90's vibe. The atmosphere was gradually building up. It's a pretty good film. The subject in the movie was very interesting. My interpretation of the theme was that it's about STD. But I guess it can also have many guesses. This and Babadook are the two horror films I saw lately. Both are very thoughtful. They both use a lot of metaphors to bring out the fear in people rather than just plain monsters and gore. I feel, at least for me, both movies has many aspects that needs to time to dig deeper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, August 08, 2015
a toast
CJ brought me a toast with 奶酥 (buttercream icing) on it on last Friday afternoon. I was Giddy. Guess my love for food was well known. But the fact that she'd give me one, it was thrilling. Vic must think of me as hopeless and gutless. I can't help it.
CJ talked to me 2 mornings ago, about buttercream icing. She could not find such thing in USA, not even a name for it. So they tried to make it themselves. I went home and did some research, after some futile effort, I typed just the ingredients: beaten butter, dry milk, sugar. Buttercream Icing was what came out. The difference lies that there's no recipe used dry milk, they just used milk.
Anyway, I am still giddy. :D
CJ talked to me 2 mornings ago, about buttercream icing. She could not find such thing in USA, not even a name for it. So they tried to make it themselves. I went home and did some research, after some futile effort, I typed just the ingredients: beaten butter, dry milk, sugar. Buttercream Icing was what came out. The difference lies that there's no recipe used dry milk, they just used milk.
Anyway, I am still giddy. :D
quotes from movie
from movie: Stories We Tell
When you're in the middle of a story, it isn't a story at all but rather a confusion, a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids, and all aboard are powerless to stop it. It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all, when you're telling it to yourself or someone else.
Margaret Atwood
(Alias Grace)
------
(Narrator to his daughter)
And in some ways,that's why
This whole questions of ...
"Was I your father, or, wasn't I?"
It becomes very sort of an unimportant part of the past,
for me, anyway,
I think it's much more important for you.
For me, it's just one of those things happened along with life.
So, don't feel sorry for me, If you have pity, it should be for Harry,
who loved and lost Diane and then missed out on the childhood of Sarah that he produced.
Had that been my lot, I would have been mortified when I read that DNA result.
I've been a very lucky man, and, of course, for one of my luckiest moments,
I have to thank Harry Gulkin for loving Diane.
Sarah's only what she is because of that night of love between Diane and Harry.
Had I been her biological father, she would have been entirely different.
She might have been better or worse, but she would definitely not have been the Sarah she is today.
And that's the one I love.Of the other possible outcome, there's nothing.
You may decide you want to keep this letter to yourself, or to share it.
It's yours, and yours the choice.
You know, look...while telling me your news on Thursday, you twice hugged me as hard as you ever did in your childhood.
That alone made you revelation worth a thousand words.
So, there you have it.
All I know of what happened or what has been reported to me has been told.
I think I wrote this story because it really says so many interesting things about the human condition.
But maybe there was another reason.
Perhaps, deep inside,
I have suffered more of a shock than I would have openly admit.
I sometimes stop and realize that something inside, has for the rest of my life changed.
A certain cord that runs between Sarah and me has been severed, and I am powerless to join it together. It's not a real thing. It only exists because we have developed this facet called imagination, and that is all too real and tangible. It gives pain. It's brief, and soon I am back again at the keyboard, reliving the past 40 years. But I suppose it will always be lurking to catch me unawares. So perhaps this story is a form of denial.
How ironic it is that the final revelation and its aftermath have brought Sarah and I closer together and resulted in me writing volumes, as Diane always wanted me to. It has given me a new lease on life.
/
/
/
I will go on
I will go on.
----------------
The movie used one line from a poem. I found the poem online. Here it is, the red letters are the verse they used in the movie.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines
bu Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
When you're in the middle of a story, it isn't a story at all but rather a confusion, a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids, and all aboard are powerless to stop it. It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all, when you're telling it to yourself or someone else.
Margaret Atwood
(Alias Grace)
------
(Narrator to his daughter)
And in some ways,that's why
This whole questions of ...
"Was I your father, or, wasn't I?"
It becomes very sort of an unimportant part of the past,
for me, anyway,
I think it's much more important for you.
For me, it's just one of those things happened along with life.
So, don't feel sorry for me, If you have pity, it should be for Harry,
who loved and lost Diane and then missed out on the childhood of Sarah that he produced.
Had that been my lot, I would have been mortified when I read that DNA result.
I've been a very lucky man, and, of course, for one of my luckiest moments,
I have to thank Harry Gulkin for loving Diane.
Sarah's only what she is because of that night of love between Diane and Harry.
Had I been her biological father, she would have been entirely different.
She might have been better or worse, but she would definitely not have been the Sarah she is today.
And that's the one I love.Of the other possible outcome, there's nothing.
You may decide you want to keep this letter to yourself, or to share it.
It's yours, and yours the choice.
You know, look...while telling me your news on Thursday, you twice hugged me as hard as you ever did in your childhood.
That alone made you revelation worth a thousand words.
So, there you have it.
All I know of what happened or what has been reported to me has been told.
I think I wrote this story because it really says so many interesting things about the human condition.
But maybe there was another reason.
Perhaps, deep inside,
I have suffered more of a shock than I would have openly admit.
I sometimes stop and realize that something inside, has for the rest of my life changed.
A certain cord that runs between Sarah and me has been severed, and I am powerless to join it together. It's not a real thing. It only exists because we have developed this facet called imagination, and that is all too real and tangible. It gives pain. It's brief, and soon I am back again at the keyboard, reliving the past 40 years. But I suppose it will always be lurking to catch me unawares. So perhaps this story is a form of denial.
How ironic it is that the final revelation and its aftermath have brought Sarah and I closer together and resulted in me writing volumes, as Diane always wanted me to. It has given me a new lease on life.
/
/
/
I will go on
I will go on.
----------------
The movie used one line from a poem. I found the poem online. Here it is, the red letters are the verse they used in the movie.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines
bu Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Thoughts that past away
My sister just came back from a week of intense training of pioneer work for Jehovah Witness. She had to go to New York city right away, for her father in law was sick again with caner tumor. I called on Tuesday to see how she's doing. She sounded tired but remain calm and together. Later that week, my mom got call from her after she's back from NYC. We learned that her sister in law was really in a lot of stress, dealing with doctors, see her parent's deteriorating... PQ could not really deal with the situation, it seemed he could understand what doctor was talking about, at least that's what my mom told me. I still highly doubted though... My sister tried hard to cheer up everyone. Mom just hope that it won't be my sister's term to deal with doctor and all that... Me either.
-------------------------------------------------
It is true that I have problem sleeping for a long time. As early as I could remember starting the end of last year. I could hardly explain the situation. I know I had a hard time to imagining things when I go to sleep. But worse, that I am obsessed with a girl at the work place. A girl , I cannot get, a girl who is 10 years younger, highly intelligent. I also have huge conflicts when I tried to imagine a story. It seemed that I want to replace Nono. But at the same time I resist every step to use that girl at work place. I never really be able to control it though. I usually woke up at 3 in the morning, either by cat, or just naturally. My gosh, I so wish to hold her clothes to my body, kiss her, touch her, and get the same passion from her. But in reality, I kept my mind clear about one thing. I shall never do anything. In my present situation, it's no good. But how insanely jealous just to see her talking and interacting with another guy!
Dan called, two days ago. He said he's coming in November. He kept talking about how great to have a kid. I talked to him about the jealousy. He said it happened to everyone, however, once the relationship is secure, the feeling fades. The problem for me is that I cannot establish such relationship.
--------------------------------------------------
My mom brought grandpa to dine in senior center yesterday. It was kind disastrous. He complained about everything. He kept saying the food was no good, the parm eggplant with pasta, which he had many times before. So later, my mom brought him to MacDonald for a fish sandwich, which he enjoyed. But after the sandwich, he started saying that senior center owed him a cup of coffee. As a habit, my mom brought him to market basket to buy something for uncle's family, since they were absent. We got ice cream too.
My mom could not sleep at all last night.
--------------------------------------------------
I love her. So let's just keep the distance. Treat her well, wherever and whenever I can.
-------------------------------------------------
It is true that I have problem sleeping for a long time. As early as I could remember starting the end of last year. I could hardly explain the situation. I know I had a hard time to imagining things when I go to sleep. But worse, that I am obsessed with a girl at the work place. A girl , I cannot get, a girl who is 10 years younger, highly intelligent. I also have huge conflicts when I tried to imagine a story. It seemed that I want to replace Nono. But at the same time I resist every step to use that girl at work place. I never really be able to control it though. I usually woke up at 3 in the morning, either by cat, or just naturally. My gosh, I so wish to hold her clothes to my body, kiss her, touch her, and get the same passion from her. But in reality, I kept my mind clear about one thing. I shall never do anything. In my present situation, it's no good. But how insanely jealous just to see her talking and interacting with another guy!
Dan called, two days ago. He said he's coming in November. He kept talking about how great to have a kid. I talked to him about the jealousy. He said it happened to everyone, however, once the relationship is secure, the feeling fades. The problem for me is that I cannot establish such relationship.
--------------------------------------------------
My mom brought grandpa to dine in senior center yesterday. It was kind disastrous. He complained about everything. He kept saying the food was no good, the parm eggplant with pasta, which he had many times before. So later, my mom brought him to MacDonald for a fish sandwich, which he enjoyed. But after the sandwich, he started saying that senior center owed him a cup of coffee. As a habit, my mom brought him to market basket to buy something for uncle's family, since they were absent. We got ice cream too.
My mom could not sleep at all last night.
--------------------------------------------------
I love her. So let's just keep the distance. Treat her well, wherever and whenever I can.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
whatever flows to the surface
a few days ago, Michelle came in warehouse and chatted with vic and me. Whenever she talked to me, it's usually about me should get a girl friend. One of the remark she made kept me thinking. For she asked me if I had sister, I said yeah, and she's married. She then wondered if she had kid. No, I added, she doesn't want kid. The reaction from Michelle was surprising, she said, "what did your parents do to you guys, that your sister doesn't want kid, and you don't want to even get a girlfriend."
A very sad remark. indeed. I don't know, for my sister, she cannot stop lamenting her childhood. Me, I am just a coward.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I watched a movie today, called housebound. It came from New Zealand. It was a very good movie. It was a horror movie infused with humour. I thought it was a very complete movie. I mean there're light hearted moment, scary moment, and also talk about relationship with family.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
we went to malden and dined at an Ethiopian restaurant. its presentation is very interesting. we had four people, my mom, PQ, April, and I. We ordered 3 meals. But when the waitress brought the food, she brought a huge round pan, around 21 inches in diameter, a huge Ethiopian bread on the bottom, and our three meals, just dumped on the bread, decorated with some salad. The ethiopian bread looked a bit purple, and sponge like. It tasted sour, I thought a bit like sour dough, but April said sour dough has more a wine fragrance. Ethiopian bread was just sour... :p We just used those bread as a wrap and put those lambs, beef, and salad on the them. It was quite an experience.
Their bathroom was stinky though. Reminds me of Chinese restaurant... lol
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
some quotes from being a wallflower
A very sad remark. indeed. I don't know, for my sister, she cannot stop lamenting her childhood. Me, I am just a coward.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I watched a movie today, called housebound. It came from New Zealand. It was a very good movie. It was a horror movie infused with humour. I thought it was a very complete movie. I mean there're light hearted moment, scary moment, and also talk about relationship with family.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
we went to malden and dined at an Ethiopian restaurant. its presentation is very interesting. we had four people, my mom, PQ, April, and I. We ordered 3 meals. But when the waitress brought the food, she brought a huge round pan, around 21 inches in diameter, a huge Ethiopian bread on the bottom, and our three meals, just dumped on the bread, decorated with some salad. The ethiopian bread looked a bit purple, and sponge like. It tasted sour, I thought a bit like sour dough, but April said sour dough has more a wine fragrance. Ethiopian bread was just sour... :p We just used those bread as a wrap and put those lambs, beef, and salad on the them. It was quite an experience.
Their bathroom was stinky though. Reminds me of Chinese restaurant... lol
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
some quotes from being a wallflower
Charlie:
Mr. Anderson? Can I ask you something?
Bill: Yeah.
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
[Charlie nods]
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-
Bill: Yeah.
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?
[Charlie nods]
Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-
Charlie:
There is so much pain. And I-I-I don't know how to not notice it.
Dr. Burton: What's hurting you?
Charlie: No, not... not me. It's them! It's... it's everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Burton: What's hurting you?
Charlie: No, not... not me. It's them! It's... it's everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Random blabbering(with thoughts on movie)
I was mowing the lawn yesterday. The neighbor's dogs were barking at me. But it was a different kind of bark. They were more ferocious. I guess it was because our last encounter. It was really sad. Hope time will soften the ferocity. Need to find out about how to stop the bark too...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exodus: Gods and Kings
Before I watched the movie, I went and watched ten commandments first. Huyin Ahyi said she even went back to read exodus in the bible. lol
The movie was ok. I never really like political part of Ridleyscott's movie, beginning with the gladiator, and with Exodus as well. For in the movie, Moeses did something that makes me feel like an 20th century person would've done. It almost felt like another Lawrence of Arabia.
But there are surprises in the movie. There is "Philadelphia" in the movie. I was expecting bitter rivalry from the start, but instead, I found love between two brothers. It was such a contrast in the original movie. I'd think the portrayed Rameses was a factor in it. Every arts emits a feeling to its audience. I could feel such a strong philadelphia towards the end of the movie, especially when Rameses ran towards Moeses even when the sea was right upon him. I know, it is weird by calling someone who's trying to kill the other person and feel the love between the two. But that's how I felt...
The contrast between the movies is mostly focused on Moeses. At the end of the movie, I could feel how incredible Moeses was in the Ten Commandments. But that's not how I felt for this movie. Somehow Moeses was shrinked to something else. The dramatic meeting between Pharaoh and Moses was reduced to an alleyway, knife wielding, assassin attempted-like scenario. I don't know, the movie made Mosese less relevant . But movie does make one think more clear than the ten commandments, the feeling of Moses towards Egyptians, during the plaques.
The effect of cgi was of course pretty good. the battlefield sequence was spectacular also. I mean, it's Ridleyscott's movie after all.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exodus: Gods and Kings
Before I watched the movie, I went and watched ten commandments first. Huyin Ahyi said she even went back to read exodus in the bible. lol
The movie was ok. I never really like political part of Ridleyscott's movie, beginning with the gladiator, and with Exodus as well. For in the movie, Moeses did something that makes me feel like an 20th century person would've done. It almost felt like another Lawrence of Arabia.
But there are surprises in the movie. There is "Philadelphia" in the movie. I was expecting bitter rivalry from the start, but instead, I found love between two brothers. It was such a contrast in the original movie. I'd think the portrayed Rameses was a factor in it. Every arts emits a feeling to its audience. I could feel such a strong philadelphia towards the end of the movie, especially when Rameses ran towards Moeses even when the sea was right upon him. I know, it is weird by calling someone who's trying to kill the other person and feel the love between the two. But that's how I felt...
The contrast between the movies is mostly focused on Moeses. At the end of the movie, I could feel how incredible Moeses was in the Ten Commandments. But that's not how I felt for this movie. Somehow Moeses was shrinked to something else. The dramatic meeting between Pharaoh and Moses was reduced to an alleyway, knife wielding, assassin attempted-like scenario. I don't know, the movie made Mosese less relevant . But movie does make one think more clear than the ten commandments, the feeling of Moses towards Egyptians, during the plaques.
The effect of cgi was of course pretty good. the battlefield sequence was spectacular also. I mean, it's Ridleyscott's movie after all.
Sunday, June 07, 2015
I"ve been thinking
I've been thinking. I don't want to do my current warehouse job for long time. It is necessary to decide where I want to go next. I do not want to do nothing again. The first criteria to this decision to me is do I dare to choose to do what I want to do, or choose to do what I think I can do?
What I can do is little. What I want to do is, as I imagine, not within my reach. The difference between utter reality and utter fantasy? To pursue what I want to do, I will need to go back to school. To choose what I can do, well, I can just stay put.
--------------------------------
I was yelling at my mom yesterday. I yelled: "I hate you, I hate your, you do not care for me!" My mom, upon hearing this, was of course, furious. From that experience, I know, I am still that kid from 1994. I still constantly need my mother's approval, encourage to do what is necessary. I cannot feel grown up.
I felt neglected. But what about my mother? I'd like to say that a kid cannot never provide what a parent could give to his or her kid. I felt I know my mother very well. I know how neglected she felt. But I also know that she does not need her father's approval or live nearby to spur her on her own life. She has that energy ingrained in her. However, I am sacking it. The guilt I felt.
The whole scenario started with planting some seedlings a sister gave to her. Then, she cannot stop blabbering about how wonderful Mr. Wang's seedlings was growing. I said let's go to uncle's house and see. Yes, they grew wonderfully, unlike ours. I do not know why mine is not growing at all this year. This frustrate me to no end. The way my mother stressed how important to grow this things started to bug me. I said I do not want to grow them anymore this year after we came back from uncle's house. That really irritated her. In return, I got madder and madder. Then all hell broke loose. I was yelling, throwing stuff around, use the digging tool to scare neighbor's dogs, even shoveled my mother. IT was and is really taxing on both party every time. I eventually planted everything. While I was doing the potting, I talked to her about my frustration. The conversation seemed to calm the event a bit. But it did not. After I went to bed at 10 pm last night, she came out of bed to watch her JW program on roku.
My frustration was a talk with her about a girl, named CJ at office place a few days ago. I felt my mother's answer did not satisfy me. All the talk about the planting and how wonderful other people is growing stuff today, really doesn't help me either. I already felt a failure inside, I just felt I cannot compare to other wonderful people out there. All these months waking up at 3 am, and could not get back to sleep, my mind just running with longing for a intimate relationship was haunting, and still is. But of course, I did not give her an impression of urgency a few days ago. When there is a problem, I tried to diminishing the problem with carefully selected words and phrases. Trying to avoid confrontation, conflicts, or other similar sorts of things. I hate coward, and I am one.
Today, nobody is spared, my mom is in terrible shape. And so do I. I have to find a way to express in proportion to what I feel, in a timely manner!
The problem with girls, cannot be solved. Since I don't dare to have a girlfriend. My mother kept suggesting to find a focus in life, trying to divert myself. I've been trying to do that. I cannot. I don't have energy to follow through anything...
My mother is really upset about me saying she doesn't really care about my emotional need. I watched a lot of frasier, I felt frasier and his father has the same conversation. frasier felt the need to talk more, but not his father. I really need to learn how to speak up my mind in a timely manner and elegantly....
------------------------------------------
What I can do is little. What I want to do is, as I imagine, not within my reach. The difference between utter reality and utter fantasy? To pursue what I want to do, I will need to go back to school. To choose what I can do, well, I can just stay put.
--------------------------------
I was yelling at my mom yesterday. I yelled: "I hate you, I hate your, you do not care for me!" My mom, upon hearing this, was of course, furious. From that experience, I know, I am still that kid from 1994. I still constantly need my mother's approval, encourage to do what is necessary. I cannot feel grown up.
I felt neglected. But what about my mother? I'd like to say that a kid cannot never provide what a parent could give to his or her kid. I felt I know my mother very well. I know how neglected she felt. But I also know that she does not need her father's approval or live nearby to spur her on her own life. She has that energy ingrained in her. However, I am sacking it. The guilt I felt.
The whole scenario started with planting some seedlings a sister gave to her. Then, she cannot stop blabbering about how wonderful Mr. Wang's seedlings was growing. I said let's go to uncle's house and see. Yes, they grew wonderfully, unlike ours. I do not know why mine is not growing at all this year. This frustrate me to no end. The way my mother stressed how important to grow this things started to bug me. I said I do not want to grow them anymore this year after we came back from uncle's house. That really irritated her. In return, I got madder and madder. Then all hell broke loose. I was yelling, throwing stuff around, use the digging tool to scare neighbor's dogs, even shoveled my mother. IT was and is really taxing on both party every time. I eventually planted everything. While I was doing the potting, I talked to her about my frustration. The conversation seemed to calm the event a bit. But it did not. After I went to bed at 10 pm last night, she came out of bed to watch her JW program on roku.
My frustration was a talk with her about a girl, named CJ at office place a few days ago. I felt my mother's answer did not satisfy me. All the talk about the planting and how wonderful other people is growing stuff today, really doesn't help me either. I already felt a failure inside, I just felt I cannot compare to other wonderful people out there. All these months waking up at 3 am, and could not get back to sleep, my mind just running with longing for a intimate relationship was haunting, and still is. But of course, I did not give her an impression of urgency a few days ago. When there is a problem, I tried to diminishing the problem with carefully selected words and phrases. Trying to avoid confrontation, conflicts, or other similar sorts of things. I hate coward, and I am one.
Today, nobody is spared, my mom is in terrible shape. And so do I. I have to find a way to express in proportion to what I feel, in a timely manner!
The problem with girls, cannot be solved. Since I don't dare to have a girlfriend. My mother kept suggesting to find a focus in life, trying to divert myself. I've been trying to do that. I cannot. I don't have energy to follow through anything...
My mother is really upset about me saying she doesn't really care about my emotional need. I watched a lot of frasier, I felt frasier and his father has the same conversation. frasier felt the need to talk more, but not his father. I really need to learn how to speak up my mind in a timely manner and elegantly....
------------------------------------------
Sunday, May 31, 2015
thoughts flowing around
I've sitting here since coming back from uncle's house. I went to his house because grandpa called us twice to look for mom. When I got to his house, I was kind surprised that uncle and aunt were both absent. I waited mom's arrival with grandpa.
I've sitting here for 3 hours now since then.
-----------------------------------
I was writing the above paragraph, my mom came back, then, I went to my uncle's house with her for something. At that time, I was feeling extremely anxious. I guess it came from surfing the internet fro 2 and half hours without doing any thing. I had a a goal before I started surfing. I listened to some rush albums because I want to learn to sing one of a rock'n roll songs. Vic and Pei Quan both recommended them to me in separate occasions. So I was listening and surfing at the same time. By surfing, I meant I was trying to find something I can buy from amazon or ebay. I don't know why that's important, but I felt it was important. I've been wanting to buy yoga mat for sometimes now. But every time I went online to look for them, I came back empty handed. It's been like this for a long time now. I could only buy stuff for my mom, it just seemed that I could not decide what to buy. Or, I always wonder if that's a good decision at all. I was always pretty certain that the things I want to to buy was either unnecessary, or priced too much. I need a better deal! I do not want to be silly, I want to show people I know how to buy things I want with a good price as well. From that point on, I stopped buying anything significant. The only things I could spend my money on was either fast food, or cat toys.
What stopped me to do research? I did some research. But I always wonder if there's a better deal... It is really that boy trying to find the best seashell by the beach...
I did buy a compact scope a few months ago. It was such a disappointment. It's hard to adjust the focus, and it's not that clear. But most terrible of all was that it's very fragile, for only a few days carried that thing around in my bag, it's broken already...
I just learned a phrase that if you could have a few choices but could not decide, then choose the one that you could reverse your decision if needed to afterwards. By not buying, I comfort myself that I was doing exactly that. However, it is extremely dissatisfying with myself!
----------------------------------
I always woke up in the mid night when baobao started meowing. it's almost always at 3. I used to be able to drift back into sleep. But I could not lately. I could not, because I kept thinking about girls in the office. I would struggle between having a lustrous relationship with them, or puppy love. Lustrous relationship almost always has the upper hand at the end. And that is it for me to sleep. That could go on for 6 nights a week.
I used to ogling pretty girls when I was in high school. I tried very hard to refrain from that for a long time. The restrain seemed to help some. But my imagination would go crazy half of the time. The female I turned my eyes away would be 10 times prettier sometimes. I really don't know what to do. I am horrendously lonely. I spent half of my day trying hard not to think of them. The other half of the time just out of focus, or the outside objective world would give me something to replace my mind which is usually work for now.
I know my mom knows what I am feeling. She's not a prude. But I just somehow could not step outside of my head. I have nothing to offer to the girl I wish to engage with. I can't talk, I have no talent, and I can't make a decision without making a fuss, and even after that the decision would come out wrong most of the time. Plus, I make no efforts to make things better, from inside out.
I felt sometimes that I have all the bad quality from my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa. But alas, they are all far superior than me. It's a insult to compare them to I.
I am just currently telling myself, that everybody is going to leave anyway. Those girls in office, well, they too are leaving soon. They will find a good future ahead, just like Nono did . And I will still be here, trying to carve another block of wood, saying I hate coward, I hate stupidity, I hate myself.
---------------------------------
I watched Mr. Turner two days ago. It was too long. I felt it's a montage without a focus, that means, the movie presented a person without really described that person. It was a movie without opinion. It maybe a good way to make movie sometimes. But with the length of the movie, and the huge amount of information, I felt it's disarrayed. The acting was pretty good, I guess, for no matter how good the acting was, I felt the movie need to have an opinion about Mr. Turner!
---------------------------------
I saw sudden impact, a fourth installment of dirty harry series. It was decent, but I don't think it's excellent. The plot was interesting enough. The acting was pretty good. I don't know why it's not excellent. But it's just not... :p
--------------------------------------
I've sitting here for 3 hours now since then.
-----------------------------------
I was writing the above paragraph, my mom came back, then, I went to my uncle's house with her for something. At that time, I was feeling extremely anxious. I guess it came from surfing the internet fro 2 and half hours without doing any thing. I had a a goal before I started surfing. I listened to some rush albums because I want to learn to sing one of a rock'n roll songs. Vic and Pei Quan both recommended them to me in separate occasions. So I was listening and surfing at the same time. By surfing, I meant I was trying to find something I can buy from amazon or ebay. I don't know why that's important, but I felt it was important. I've been wanting to buy yoga mat for sometimes now. But every time I went online to look for them, I came back empty handed. It's been like this for a long time now. I could only buy stuff for my mom, it just seemed that I could not decide what to buy. Or, I always wonder if that's a good decision at all. I was always pretty certain that the things I want to to buy was either unnecessary, or priced too much. I need a better deal! I do not want to be silly, I want to show people I know how to buy things I want with a good price as well. From that point on, I stopped buying anything significant. The only things I could spend my money on was either fast food, or cat toys.
What stopped me to do research? I did some research. But I always wonder if there's a better deal... It is really that boy trying to find the best seashell by the beach...
I did buy a compact scope a few months ago. It was such a disappointment. It's hard to adjust the focus, and it's not that clear. But most terrible of all was that it's very fragile, for only a few days carried that thing around in my bag, it's broken already...
I just learned a phrase that if you could have a few choices but could not decide, then choose the one that you could reverse your decision if needed to afterwards. By not buying, I comfort myself that I was doing exactly that. However, it is extremely dissatisfying with myself!
----------------------------------
I always woke up in the mid night when baobao started meowing. it's almost always at 3. I used to be able to drift back into sleep. But I could not lately. I could not, because I kept thinking about girls in the office. I would struggle between having a lustrous relationship with them, or puppy love. Lustrous relationship almost always has the upper hand at the end. And that is it for me to sleep. That could go on for 6 nights a week.
I used to ogling pretty girls when I was in high school. I tried very hard to refrain from that for a long time. The restrain seemed to help some. But my imagination would go crazy half of the time. The female I turned my eyes away would be 10 times prettier sometimes. I really don't know what to do. I am horrendously lonely. I spent half of my day trying hard not to think of them. The other half of the time just out of focus, or the outside objective world would give me something to replace my mind which is usually work for now.
I know my mom knows what I am feeling. She's not a prude. But I just somehow could not step outside of my head. I have nothing to offer to the girl I wish to engage with. I can't talk, I have no talent, and I can't make a decision without making a fuss, and even after that the decision would come out wrong most of the time. Plus, I make no efforts to make things better, from inside out.
I felt sometimes that I have all the bad quality from my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa. But alas, they are all far superior than me. It's a insult to compare them to I.
I am just currently telling myself, that everybody is going to leave anyway. Those girls in office, well, they too are leaving soon. They will find a good future ahead, just like Nono did . And I will still be here, trying to carve another block of wood, saying I hate coward, I hate stupidity, I hate myself.
---------------------------------
I watched Mr. Turner two days ago. It was too long. I felt it's a montage without a focus, that means, the movie presented a person without really described that person. It was a movie without opinion. It maybe a good way to make movie sometimes. But with the length of the movie, and the huge amount of information, I felt it's disarrayed. The acting was pretty good, I guess, for no matter how good the acting was, I felt the movie need to have an opinion about Mr. Turner!
---------------------------------
I saw sudden impact, a fourth installment of dirty harry series. It was decent, but I don't think it's excellent. The plot was interesting enough. The acting was pretty good. I don't know why it's not excellent. But it's just not... :p
--------------------------------------
Sunday, May 24, 2015
電影感想
The perk of being a wallflower:
This was an interesting movie. I think it was finely crafted, in terms of character development. The plot line was multilayer-ed, with good twists. There was this real mystery behind the main protagonist. The characters surrounding the protagonist are colored personality as well. Each of them has a real space to grow in the story.
As a wallflower goes, I learned the definition well from this movie. I almost find the movie a bore although it was well crafted. They used some typical conflicts in modern teen dramas. It's lucky that supporting cast was good role player for their own roles. The protagonist was those kind people I don't particularly like. Quietly observant, polite, but knowledgeable. He was at the same time, quite mature for his age but permeates a sadness. Not really fearful of others. A writer himself. He liked a senior in high school, but they were never together.
I felt I am like the protagonist in some ways. I don't like myself, therefore, I don't like the protagonist too much. But the movie was quite alright.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calvary:
This was a gamble. I have no idea what the movie was about. But it paned out alright. I love the photography in the movie. It was some of the prettiest thing I've seen. The scenery, the composition in some frame was simple, but elegant. The color too.
I took the picture, because of the main actor. My first memory of him was in the kingdom of heaven, he played a bad guy there, and made a real impression on me. Here's the same as well. A very competent actor in a very difficult role, which really shined.
But I have to give the credit to the director. In the end, the movie was crafted with patient. The ending was shocking, but it took the whole movie to culminate to that point to give the audience the impact.
I read some reviews claiming to the atheists, encouraging people to watch the movie, saying it is something greater than just a story about a priest . I found that weird. :p
One of the most important quote I remembered from this movie, was when the priest was confronted with the question of why he would cry for his dog, but when upon hearing the molest of many young boys by the other priests, he did not shed a tear. His answer was blunt and honest, he felt a sense of detachment after hearing the molest of young boys by the other priests. I could not really understand about when this conversation struck me, but I know it's the key to this whole movie. While searching for the quote, I read someone compared the priest's detachment to the public's detachment in general. By killing the priest, it's also a allegation towards the general public's detachment. I think maybe that was the reason I thought the conversation meant. But I might find something other things in the future...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
催眠大師
滿不錯的一部電影. 我覺得在節奏的拿捏上非常棒. 在這點上製造了緊張. 對於那位神秘女人的動機, 和他的秘密, 也使的觀眾不斷揣測, 提高了觀眾懸疑的興趣. 另外兩位主角的互動很具張力.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
一個人的武林
有王寶強, 我覺得在演戲上似乎給我一點保證. 所以我滿期待的. 電影沒有讓我失望. 以警察探案為經, 把一個舊式的武林爭霸的故事給帶出來, 這是一個令我驚豔的結構. 其中警案的劇情引起整部影片的多處轉折, 實在是令人猜測不斷. 王寶強的演戲能力也沒讓我失望. 他能不能打對我來說不是很重要, 可是, 在故事裡, 他實際上扮演的是甄子丹 的 hyde. 而這個 hyde 非常盡責, 把主角最強的 Ego 給叫出來後, 真正把主角從自己的強烈欲望裡掙脫出來. 甄子丹的表現一般沒有太大的波瀾起伏, 但是在這裡卻很適合他的角色.
這實在是一部很好的電影.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was an interesting movie. I think it was finely crafted, in terms of character development. The plot line was multilayer-ed, with good twists. There was this real mystery behind the main protagonist. The characters surrounding the protagonist are colored personality as well. Each of them has a real space to grow in the story.
As a wallflower goes, I learned the definition well from this movie. I almost find the movie a bore although it was well crafted. They used some typical conflicts in modern teen dramas. It's lucky that supporting cast was good role player for their own roles. The protagonist was those kind people I don't particularly like. Quietly observant, polite, but knowledgeable. He was at the same time, quite mature for his age but permeates a sadness. Not really fearful of others. A writer himself. He liked a senior in high school, but they were never together.
I felt I am like the protagonist in some ways. I don't like myself, therefore, I don't like the protagonist too much. But the movie was quite alright.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Calvary:
This was a gamble. I have no idea what the movie was about. But it paned out alright. I love the photography in the movie. It was some of the prettiest thing I've seen. The scenery, the composition in some frame was simple, but elegant. The color too.
I took the picture, because of the main actor. My first memory of him was in the kingdom of heaven, he played a bad guy there, and made a real impression on me. Here's the same as well. A very competent actor in a very difficult role, which really shined.
But I have to give the credit to the director. In the end, the movie was crafted with patient. The ending was shocking, but it took the whole movie to culminate to that point to give the audience the impact.
I read some reviews claiming to the atheists, encouraging people to watch the movie, saying it is something greater than just a story about a priest . I found that weird. :p
One of the most important quote I remembered from this movie, was when the priest was confronted with the question of why he would cry for his dog, but when upon hearing the molest of many young boys by the other priests, he did not shed a tear. His answer was blunt and honest, he felt a sense of detachment after hearing the molest of young boys by the other priests. I could not really understand about when this conversation struck me, but I know it's the key to this whole movie. While searching for the quote, I read someone compared the priest's detachment to the public's detachment in general. By killing the priest, it's also a allegation towards the general public's detachment. I think maybe that was the reason I thought the conversation meant. But I might find something other things in the future...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
催眠大師
滿不錯的一部電影. 我覺得在節奏的拿捏上非常棒. 在這點上製造了緊張. 對於那位神秘女人的動機, 和他的秘密, 也使的觀眾不斷揣測, 提高了觀眾懸疑的興趣. 另外兩位主角的互動很具張力.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
一個人的武林
有王寶強, 我覺得在演戲上似乎給我一點保證. 所以我滿期待的. 電影沒有讓我失望. 以警察探案為經, 把一個舊式的武林爭霸的故事給帶出來, 這是一個令我驚豔的結構. 其中警案的劇情引起整部影片的多處轉折, 實在是令人猜測不斷. 王寶強的演戲能力也沒讓我失望. 他能不能打對我來說不是很重要, 可是, 在故事裡, 他實際上扮演的是甄子丹 的 hyde. 而這個 hyde 非常盡責, 把主角最強的 Ego 給叫出來後, 真正把主角從自己的強烈欲望裡掙脫出來. 甄子丹的表現一般沒有太大的波瀾起伏, 但是在這裡卻很適合他的角色.
這實在是一部很好的電影.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, May 09, 2015
95048 j ogo lks93wj 32k3k, m
kfo i kfkfk s;ro4i4n 9f9 f9vjs-sa- ofogpogp kfn4j43o2i4o5i4o394876094859 s8 9fd8fglskfj sif8 jsk4
jf9df8f9gjwk ..
.
.
.
/
/
/
;'
'
p
p
p
p
[
]
[
[
[
-
-
=
=
\
;
l
,m
hbk odj
sif0495jm 0fkjkjkj ------3jfg9nnek blskfkrifkjslkfjfksleoeifi nbkslskfldslfofrkj k k k u
kuje kfudhbebaoqbej iuai3jn 54tiu t
jf9df8f9gjwk ..
.
.
.
/
/
/
;'
'
p
p
p
p
[
]
[
[
[
-
-
=
=
\
;
l
,m
hbk odj
sif0495jm 0fkjkjkj ------3jfg9nnek blskfkrifkjslkfjfksleoeifi nbkslskfldslfofrkj k k k u
kuje kfudhbebaoqbej iuai3jn 54tiu t
aodk oam iek m ic
aod osxo -40 lwlo21~!~!#$%&&4l ]
salf k pvo 0w
jv
ad i o kjao m o kjndoi h ao ihjen o ih i lkaodj haodj
aidn o kmdowie0kj3j4nb o i nodiando naodi hoeja;ldka;erpaejr oi jdcbaoieoi dckaiue093j405492yu398 k jf943u459383b o j icjci ji uejtrblalalakxkcnbvmzxoicv8xc934n 9deb3 50`=3j bci 8a0POL.dj bcoi
hdi jn i j n i aidu303jq;qla.oq;qje9 8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v
sak ck j sk lslfn4kj4j40 jfc-0-a-2k 4krksj 12 365 4679 25 49s8f9458 5 948 4 8 1 9847 8 4s
48 9 84793/**-rev
s954iu54k 0 kmg0 50 mo54l54l =-20404040404040495kjgkjg
'
soif9 mj ofitro jso4j4oi odigmn ;sa;la;wpwpwpwpwpelfkfvkkfmfmf mfmnfmg94j s, o il 21048 n kjflk ks
2 -z;pf'.];[.'h;h p;;otlk 6l kgo kg
940540540 kd
f
f
f\g\h
jh
j
y
yu
u
6y
5
4e
3
2
g
j
u
7\67\7
kj
7
i
k
l
6
ki
l
;
-
-
-
-
-
-0
-
dog9 j 98ewjmn 2ow kjfjmn
ds\ jt95oij9j
7\7\kj\6\g\j\j\h\k\j\k\ds\d\r\r\ \3\4\w\2q\q\q\q\t\u\yu\ij\67\65\skdu \ \fd\]fcs
gv
jno598 mnes05mdx m50 bkd094i5j 0xdk09 84nidl98 u5iu3h5
'48ttttttttttttttnew02j5
6097070970777777777777777777777777777777777777777
2oi 84j
5
5/,.,.,/,.,<<>././e
rk igkg
3wki5jmbk lkf9dogm 0dskdsfg0 j isoifjwqo4
dsskfgg
salf k pvo 0w
jv
ad i o kjao m o kjndoi h ao ihjen o ih i lkaodj haodj
aidn o kmdowie0kj3j4nb o i nodiando naodi hoeja;ldka;erpaejr oi jdcbaoieoi dckaiue093j405492yu398 k jf943u459383b o j icjci ji uejtrblalalakxkcnbvmzxoicv8xc934n 9deb3 50`=3j bci 8a0POL.dj bcoi
hdi jn i j n i aidu303jq;qla.oq;qje9 8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v8v
sak ck j sk lslfn4kj4j40 jfc-0-a-2k 4krksj 12 365 4679 25 49s8f9458 5 948 4 8 1 9847 8 4s
48 9 84793/**-rev
s954iu54k 0 kmg0 50 mo54l54l =-20404040404040495kjgkjg
'
soif9 mj ofitro jso4j4oi odigmn ;sa;la;wpwpwpwpwpelfkfvkkfmfmf mfmnfmg94j s, o il 21048 n kjflk ks
2 -z;pf'.];[.'h;h p;;otlk 6l kgo kg
940540540 kd
f
f
f\g\h
jh
j
y
yu
u
6y
5
4e
3
2
g
j
u
7\67\7
kj
7
i
k
l
6
ki
l
;
-
-
-
-
-
-0
-
dog9 j 98ewjmn 2ow kjfjmn
ds\ jt95oij9j
7\7\kj\6\g\j\j\h\k\j\k\ds\d\r\r\ \3\4\w\2q\q\q\q\t\u\yu\ij\67\65\skdu \ \fd\]fcs
gv
jno598 mnes05mdx m50 bkd094i5j 0xdk09 84nidl98 u5iu3h5
'48ttttttttttttttnew02j5
6097070970777777777777777777777777777777777777777
2oi 84j
5
5/,.,.,/,.,<<>././e
rk igkg
3wki5jmbk lkf9dogm 0dskdsfg0 j isoifjwqo4
dsskfgg
Friday, May 01, 2015
person missing
looking for a lost person. he is 5'3'', asian. male, with a glasses. missing since long time ago. may no longer be alive. but still hoping to reach out and take our chances.
it's hard to describe how this person really was for it was truly a long time ago. this person seemed to be full of himself sometimes. it seemed that he could easily get along with other people, but deep down, he was a phony. he pretends a lot. could not hold true to his feeling. deeply competitive, it seemed, but a coward in the core. this combination makes him a person kept hiding and hiding, until there's no more room to hide. until he had to close his own eyes, to pretend to hide... in plain sight.
he watched a lot of porn. although many of those things scare him, but somehow, those scared him the most, attracted something deep inside of him as well. it's an interesting study case for human psychic? or could it be an average joe's psychology? this person disliked the habit, but could not stop himself. this habit had affected his interaction with opposite sex. it was really a very sad fate. for he naturally adored females.
this person had problem interact with people, he sought other means to be in touch with a bigger human nature. movies. it's very stupid. for there's no interaction at all.
after all these description, maybe , we should not looked for this person anymore...
-----------------------------
隨便寫的文章,完全沒有內容. 寫作的動機是來自於 zen and the artofmotorcycle maintenance. 這是我以前的心理醫師介紹的一本書. 我最近找來看, 看完後, 後悔那時候沒有馬上在介紹時閱讀. 的確是一本可以和心理醫師討論好書. 主角那種完全脫離現實的觀察, 就好像駕駛人其實不在駕駛, 反而坐在乘客座上. 兒子的描述, 一開始讓我覺得多餘, 但實際上, 非常關鍵! 我還不能解釋關鍵在何處.
it's hard to describe how this person really was for it was truly a long time ago. this person seemed to be full of himself sometimes. it seemed that he could easily get along with other people, but deep down, he was a phony. he pretends a lot. could not hold true to his feeling. deeply competitive, it seemed, but a coward in the core. this combination makes him a person kept hiding and hiding, until there's no more room to hide. until he had to close his own eyes, to pretend to hide... in plain sight.
he watched a lot of porn. although many of those things scare him, but somehow, those scared him the most, attracted something deep inside of him as well. it's an interesting study case for human psychic? or could it be an average joe's psychology? this person disliked the habit, but could not stop himself. this habit had affected his interaction with opposite sex. it was really a very sad fate. for he naturally adored females.
this person had problem interact with people, he sought other means to be in touch with a bigger human nature. movies. it's very stupid. for there's no interaction at all.
after all these description, maybe , we should not looked for this person anymore...
-----------------------------
隨便寫的文章,完全沒有內容. 寫作的動機是來自於 zen and the artofmotorcycle maintenance. 這是我以前的心理醫師介紹的一本書. 我最近找來看, 看完後, 後悔那時候沒有馬上在介紹時閱讀. 的確是一本可以和心理醫師討論好書. 主角那種完全脫離現實的觀察, 就好像駕駛人其實不在駕駛, 反而坐在乘客座上. 兒子的描述, 一開始讓我覺得多餘, 但實際上, 非常關鍵! 我還不能解釋關鍵在何處.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
can't sleep
don't remember when, but i have been getting up really early for a few weeks now. i thought maybe work start to affect my personal life. i went to work very early because that is just the sequence of getting up early. i am really tired. really tired.
i usually wake up at around 3:30. my cat would come and wake me up. but i would fell into sleep again in the past. not recently though. i guess i am just filled with sexual desire. i could not let it go. i remember now why i quit mpcsa, because i felt i could not talk to the girls there. and yet, i wish to get close to them. very much so. i have a yoga instructor who i am attracted to. i'd fancy about her. but that never caused me sleepless in the early morning. there are michelle and cj in the work place. i do fancy a lot about michelle. i kind like cj as well. all these daydreaming, if you would call it, makes myself tired. not because masturbation, but rather, the thought of incompetence of myself. the laziness, can't communicate well, a shallow understanding of human interaction...etc. oh, and cowardice. i felt i am a fake. a big fake. as i said before, to exaggerate one's incompetence, is one way to enlarge one's own image. i am doing that RIGHT NOW!
it's just never enough for me. although i have everything i need to be successful. my mom makes sure of it. it is i who failed to implement anything. every time this thought came up, i know i need to remind myself to get a grip. then i'd say to myself, go do what you want. i would think hard, but the only thing i could really muster, which i'd never announce it in front anyone but myself, was i wish nono is here. i want her love. but then, again, that won't happen, that aint never ever gonna happen. so what i would usually do is go to macdonald and buy a twenty piece chicken nuggets, $5.00. best way to laugh at myself being a coward, i guess.
my mom was very much disturbed by my behavior, mainly getting up really early. i need to find a part time job though. i am tired.
i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i usually wake up at around 3:30. my cat would come and wake me up. but i would fell into sleep again in the past. not recently though. i guess i am just filled with sexual desire. i could not let it go. i remember now why i quit mpcsa, because i felt i could not talk to the girls there. and yet, i wish to get close to them. very much so. i have a yoga instructor who i am attracted to. i'd fancy about her. but that never caused me sleepless in the early morning. there are michelle and cj in the work place. i do fancy a lot about michelle. i kind like cj as well. all these daydreaming, if you would call it, makes myself tired. not because masturbation, but rather, the thought of incompetence of myself. the laziness, can't communicate well, a shallow understanding of human interaction...etc. oh, and cowardice. i felt i am a fake. a big fake. as i said before, to exaggerate one's incompetence, is one way to enlarge one's own image. i am doing that RIGHT NOW!
it's just never enough for me. although i have everything i need to be successful. my mom makes sure of it. it is i who failed to implement anything. every time this thought came up, i know i need to remind myself to get a grip. then i'd say to myself, go do what you want. i would think hard, but the only thing i could really muster, which i'd never announce it in front anyone but myself, was i wish nono is here. i want her love. but then, again, that won't happen, that aint never ever gonna happen. so what i would usually do is go to macdonald and buy a twenty piece chicken nuggets, $5.00. best way to laugh at myself being a coward, i guess.
my mom was very much disturbed by my behavior, mainly getting up really early. i need to find a part time job though. i am tired.
i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i hate myself, i wish nono could be here. but i don't wish nono to be here. are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)