random

You must think that this thing passed.  But it did not.  I know. 

There's nothing to do to boast ourselves.  Who's we? 

This morning, Mom was very angry at me.  For I said she's always said something inconsiderate.  The scenario was like this.  Mom cooked noodle for breakfast this morning.  I filled my bowl myself and added a chicken dish on top of the noodle.  She was right besides me when this happened.  She asked if I put chicken in my first bowl when I was getting my second bowl of noodle.  She quickly concluded herself that I must have not taken the chicken dish the first time.  I was annoyed by that saying.  For I did, and she was right besides me!  So I talked back, how come she said I didn't take the chicken the first time?  She needn't saying that at all.  The wording was really bad.  Further, I added, she's always like this. 

She's pissed off immediately.  She said:  her intention was for me to have a full stomach.  She shouldn't say anything at all!  She is the most inconsiderate when it came to other people's feeling?!  You are a sensitive young man, you think that by saying that I did not trust you...?  It's your own problem, if you think that way! 

I was upset.  Very upset.  Why did I use the word, always?  I got more upset, because it is partially true that I don't think she trust me.  And yet, she won't admit it.  When this trust issue, I know I have problem, for I really felt guilty about her situation.  I really am.  I know at least half of the fault was mine.   I mean, she being unhappy and all.  But of course, this is a problem I need to deal with.  For she is a simpler human being than me.  She can let things go.  Or on the surface. 

But there are other things.  I felt that she's right besides me when I took the chicken the first time.  How  could she forget about that???  I felt ignored.  Of course, it probably is normal on her part.  She might not really see  the action.  She could be distracted.  Or she simply just blurted out something.  Ok, that last one was my imagination again. 

I just wish I could shut my mouth and smile and nod, and eat my noodle.  Thanks her for the such a wonderful meal.  Now, I felt I am a little sarcastic.  What about my feeling?  MY feeling is my own problem.  I need to learn how to deal with it.  I will need to learn let it go.  I will learn how to speak correctly, rather than just blurt out anything.  This was all my fault.  Just think about it, as long as I kept my mouth shut and compliment on her, she'd be happy.  Or at least not pissed. 

This must be my pride.  My pride, which I do not see how could I have any pride?!  I don't have time to thank enough, but pride? 

Now I am angry and tired.  What about my feeling?   Apologize!  Apologize to you mother!!!!!!!  She's always right.  She's always right. 

NO, I don't want to just shut my fucking mouth!  I don't want to be uncle!  I want to say my piece.  I still felt ignored.  But of course, mom have the right to ignore me.  She can bring me to this life, she can also ignore me.  IT is I who needs to find an audience.

I know I am angry still.  I know she's still angry.  No, this is only in my mind.