Sunday, July 16, 2017

some thoughts



Some thoughts(7/15/2017)

Came to McDonalds for breakfast.  Thinking of it for a long time.  Wanted to bring a laptop and do some writing as well.   Somebody was calling me out of the corner.  I turned and saw Uncle and Aunt with big smile.  They went to swimming early in the morning, came here for breakfast.  They were going to NH for mall walk afterwards.  Aunt told me to download Macdonald’s app, with coupons!  :D  I will do that! 


I’ve been wanting to come to McDonalds’ and writing for sometime.  Thoughts need to be materialized to see clearly.  Otherwise, the thoughts are like my dreams.  I don’t dream too much, or at least I don’t remember most of them, except the girl I loved, but that only lasts less a second. 


Thoughts are so hard to catch.  Catch and release, I need to release some thoughts as well.  But with this slow tongue, only tune could be sung.  I need to express by typing.  But even by typing, the thoughts still can’t flow smooth and non-stop.  I need to talk about something concrete at first. 

Last night
You must have no idea how happy I was to receive CJ’s message.  I drove back to Jo in frenzy, heart racing, and speeding.  I love that girl.  And yet, I can’t speak.  I can’t act.  I can’t seem to do anything.  The thoughts of her only bring out the thoughts of jealousy, hopeless, and worthless in me.  I love her.  The ultimate goal for love is not to own, but to see her having a life of happiness, satisfaction, adventure, and peace of mind. 
I saw her when Harry left.  She has worry all over her face(Harry drank, I don’t know how much).  I was jealous of Harry.  Very much so.  I was so glad to see Tina there.  I can feel the strength that she brought to CJ.  I was hoping to see Tina as well.  It seemed that CJ invited Tina.  Good girl.  Tina is 7 months pregnant, but Tina is still Tina!  And Jake is still Jake!  Loved it! 

I am sorry, but by writing this, I am filled with all the feeling I mentioned above. 


I had some hard liquors last night.  I was among CJ, Peiring, Jean, Tina, and Jake, the last ones to leave last night.  Jo’s party was fun, especially with the Volleyball.  But my goodness, some people’s shoulders were hurt.  It gave me a chill.  I still want to play volleyball, but how should I protect my shoulder? 

I went to Jo’s house early, to help out a little.  I get to help Jay, Jo’s hubby, to set up volley net and boundary.  I see a very methodical way to set this up.  Very interesting!  It’s almost like I was running through Jay’s mind!  It’s a beautiful thing though.  I like it!  Every step was thought though.  He and Jo are quite different.  They may be called complementary couple?  :p  They share something too though, otherwise, how would be they together?  They are cute together! 

CJ called earlier before I left the party to drive Mr. Wang home.  She was asking if we need cheese for she’s buying some crackers.  We found some brie, and other cheese in the fridge.  I told her, it’s alright, we just need cracker.  After I left Jo’s, I thought that I should take the cheese out of the fridge.  So I called Jo about it.  But she dismissed the idea, for she thought there are enough snacks. 
When I came back to the party, I saw a board of small crumbling of cheese.  I was glee. 


Warehouse
I felt Vic was laughing at me.  He made a joke about me still staying after I said I wanted to leave so many times.  I felt both frustrated and comical as well.  Frustrated, because, I want to leave, badly.  But the fear of leaving was great as well.  I don’t have a job in place yet.  Although I know I can work, but there are still many left to be desired.  I also wanted to go back to school.  I will have to choose.  To make a choice. 
It’s funny because I am the least useful person there.  Anybody left would leave a big hole right now, except me.  I am a clerk working in warehouse, where hard labor was needed, and consistency count.  All the computer work I did there will be replaced by barcode.  Any clerical job I did there would be automated, or filled by a high school student. 

Am I putting myself down?  I think so.  But how should I describe my role in the company?  IT is working invisibly; what he did was a mystery to me. But sitting in that tiny room is like sitting in a prison to me, and when computer go awry, everybody is looking at IT like, what the hell…    The engineers working day and night, in a literal sense, including weekends.  Logistics is working overtime almost every day.  And I heard something called, drop shipments, another mystery to me…  Customer service connects the company and customer directly day in and day out.  Not to mention how much Anne is an integral organic part of logistic, accounting, and warehouse as well!!  The accounting watch over everything, pouring through each transaction, not just big cost from factory, or late cash from customers, small details including shipping cost of 1 package as well!  Vic and Jose are working on designing and executing floor plan, shipping and receiving, general warehouse maintenance.  Bosses, well, they are doing major business decisions that would affect the lives of all above mentioned.  How do I fit in the whole scheme? 
For three years, I worked with Vic on floor plan as well, but I could only use my muscle.  Did I mention muscle?  I don’t have too much.  I worked with Vic, who mentioned one day after meeting with Alex that we need to do inventory count every time when we are picking Enidine.  At first I designed a very simple spreadsheet.  We printed it out on paper and record each transaction.  We started doing  that around the  four quarter of 2015.  After Aaron came to warehouse, in March 2016, we got new toys, 2 Chrome books.  I found out about Google Sheets.  It was a powerful tool for real time collaboration.  I designed a simple spread sheet in Google Sheets.  But alas, I drop the ball after I came back from my vocation after July in terms of keeping with inventory.  Everything seemed to speed up, more container were coming in, more ocean shipments were coming in, and plus new parts and big QTY at the end of year.  On top of that, Polysher and other 3D parts were ramping up as well, although Aaron tried his best to accommodate warehouse by implementing bar code system, quick, centralized shipping labels, and new toys.  But between shipping and receiving, inventory maintenance, and general Warehouse Maintenance and something extra, the whole thing was blown out of proportion.  I was slow to realize how frenzy was for the Warehouse, until Jo started to hire the temps, I finally had to admit, and there were so much we were not able to do before temps.   Starting last quarter 2016, Vic was working on new floor plan, we tried a few things, ATW, Valencia changed locations a few times.  Enidine shelf had new makeover.  So were Polysher and other 3D things.  I tried to streamline all the paperwork, including inventory sheet, packing list, pallet tags, pallet address stickers.  I was a very slow with excel, even slower in decision making.  Bob, our IT gave me tremendous help on the sheet, he put real time inventory on the sheet, which I believe is the quickest way to get accurate WOB and IQC QTY.  From this perspective, I did not really make the sheet, Bob did!  I designed packing list for Enidine.  I am trying to use packing list on Sigcom as well.  That sheet was helped by CJ in the beginning. 
I wish I could do more.  And to tell the truth, I want to feel that I did something.  But from the above paragraph, I did design one sheet, packing list.  But by golly, CJ could do this in less than one sitting…  And right now, a new challenge came up for the packing list which I did not see a way to defeat it yet.  I am thinking…Bob!!!!  When can we standardize QTY per box???
I just asked Bob to see if he could reduce steps in making the inventory sheet.  Because I was trying to teach both Vic and Jose to do the sheet, but I just found out, to make the sheet, it takes at least 12 steps!!  One thing I learned from these 3 years working in warehouse, anything that could be consistently done has to be easy enough to do, to access, and to repeat.  If the procedure is to remain 12 steps, I am not sure this will continue effectively. 

At the end, did I put myself down?  I work in warehouse, I do shipping and receiving; I hope I am a good auxiliary to Vic; I did a lot of transfers, lost a lot of transfer papers as well; I designed 2 spreadsheets to help warehouse, inventory sheet, with help of Bob, and packing list, which soon to be obsolete.  Maybe I could pull myself up a little.  I don’t have to feel so worthless, this is just a job, not enough to make a living, but to structure my life around it.  It is like last night, Tina kept telling me, I like to hustle in the volleyball.  I do like to hustle, I told her that this is the only thing I could do on volleyball court, I could sense she needs to find words to answer me.  I guess my words are meant to be humble, but people are scrambling to find words to reply.  I will say it again here, like Michele once said, I was only doing chores around warehouse.  Yes, hustling is all I really did.  I looked like a busybody, running around like crazy.  But I do say, working with every department is a pleasure.  I do get something in doing that! 

(But frankly, I don’t give a damn.  I just wish I could talk to her, make her relaxed, and I relaxed by her side as well.  I want to play with her, to caress her, just to be with her in general and feeling calm about it.)
I wrote the above sentences before I can really put my last assessment on the (putting down section).  To give an assessment somehow put my uneasy.  I guess I wrote this paragraph to comfort myself.  I still want her though.  Very very much so. 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

睡前的靜思 四

媽媽曾說我把自己評得很低賤,所以總是希望得到別人的肯定.  我今天一直在想這句話.  原因就不用贅敘.  我覺得這句話有道理. 

但是, 我今天實在不想在自己裏面兜圈子...  算了.  就算有道理又怎樣? 

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最近看了一本書, Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are.  沒看完, 看了個大概.  大體上就是說, 現在 google 和其他網上, 或著電腦收集的資料, 可以讓社會學家真的變成一們科學.  這個原因就是, 人們在網上絲毫不掩飾自己.  即使他們的言詞依然閃爍, 他們卻會用滑鼠點擊, 或者 google 搜尋來展現真實的自己.  

很有趣.  可以再借一次.  

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我還是在醉生夢死.  

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想要知道自己在 Yang's fitness 待了多久...  有無十年...  

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我在想那些我要放棄, 哪些我要堅持...  現在我要放棄上網, 我要堅持睡覺!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

睡前的靜思 三

今天早上, 公司有里民大會.  我看到 CJ , 我整個大會裏, 越來越難過.  我只想大聲的和她說我愛她.  只想把她揣在懷裡.看到她坐在哈利旁邊.我很難受.忌妒就好像赤焰一樣.我痛恨這種感覺.我最近不斷的想,如果我可以跟哈利一樣..就好了.看到他們倆在一起合作無間,我很痛苦.非常非常痛苦.我想自殺.我真的很想很想自殺.我完全不懂我為什麼要這樣受苦.我祈禱 CJ 有一個很好的朋友.  她倆很合, 無論是智商, 行為, 言語.  我懂她喜歡這種人.  我只是很希望自己是這種人....  而我不是.  我很想自殺. 

我討厭以上的想法...  一整天, 就只想逃避, 放棄.很多事在我都很容易放棄.唯獨這個...我真的不知道要怎麼辦.

我大概累了.  去睡吧.  反正每天都一樣. 

Sunday, June 04, 2017

臨睡前的靜思 二

今天去又去打桌球了. 第三次吧.  一次都還沒有贏過.  不過還是打了好幾場. 我滿需要熱身的. 第一場球就和一個很厲害的中國人打.  很慘的. 他的反手實在很厲害. 用正手板...
和另一個人打, 他的發球我怎麼就是不能打回去...  都是側旋...  還和一個七十二歲的人打, 打了兩場,都輸了... lol 

打完球, 出來一看, 下雨了.   我還滿高興的. 

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早上起床仍然困難.  早上做完瑜珈後, 淋浴時, 在想, 要怎樣使我自己起床, 輕鬆容易...  不費力氣, 不傷心, 不留戀...  我有時候故意去看格鬥的影片.  因為這樣使我感覺想要競爭.  我覺得我始終都很想競爭.  但是, 當我可以贏的時候, 不知道為何, 總是缺臨門一腳.  我看那些影片, 只是想激勵自己...  le sigh... 

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耶穌說, 他的擔子是輕省的.  他的擔子是啥? 

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現在寫的這些, 感覺很不完整.  跟昨晚相比, 話說的很不清.  可惜. 

臨睡前的靜思

When I wake each morning, I feel terrible.  Truly terrible.  Feeling lonely, no expectation, or just plain lonely.  I would think of her.  Not really thinking thinking, just have a picture of her from previous moments when I saw her, or hear her.  Usually, with other people.  And it doesn't matter what they were doing, or how she interacted with them.  I have this insane jealousy and inadequacy.  This gave me a lot of sleepless night.  I could not get back to sleep.  I do not know what to do.  I want to see her, or hear her in my head.  If it's love, it should motivates me.  But it only gave me sadness!  In sadness, there is no power in me.  Energy sacked.  Memory lost.  So then, I know, the feeling for her, must not be love.  It is those obsession that because I can't have it, my thoughts stock on it. 

So I am here to prepare myself.  I want myself to remember something, maybe it's some memory that would make me happy; maybe it's some words I've seen that worth re-uttering.  And if her imagine came up again, tell myself, I love her, I love her, let me be clear about it.  Treasure this feeling, but let it motivates me throughout the day.  Because, she's enduring the real hardship.  Not me.  She is doing something for her love.  I, need to learn how to love!  I need to learn!  So the first thing, is to let it go.  Let the obsession go.  Learn to love, let the obsession go. 

榕. 今天你和你的朋友忙了一整天.  希望你睡好.  做個好夢. 我是這樣希望的.  明天, 我知道你總是好好過日子.  我, 要學著如何過我的日子.  Sofiya 提醒了我.  我得學會.  謝謝你的出現. 

Learn to love, let the obsession go! 


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

My thoughts on Movies

Hacksaw Ridge:

I had high hope before watching Hacksaw Ridge.  But it underwhelmed a little.  I probably was hoping for something like Passion of Christ.  HR gave me a feeling more similar to Apocalypto.  It was a well made movie, there were some very good moving scene, but at the end, I could not feel the impact. 

The battle scenes were quite big.  But the impact was different from Saving Private Ryan, since the advertisement kept comparing HR to Saving Private Ryan.  Since HR was really more about one individual's struggle.  That struggle is very unique. 

I don't feel the movie is a great religious movie.  It's more of personal conviction thing.  I am quite moved by the father's effort to help his son.  I find it impressive that this conscience objector would choose to go to the war without weapon.  Maybe it's showed uniqueness of USA. 

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Jason Bourne

I did not think this would be too great.  But it turned out alright.  I guess, expectation does make the viewing a bit different. 

The action sequence of car chases were simply amazing.  I watched the feature, in which I agree that by putting a lot of computer technology in the movie, it made the movie more relevant to today's world, comparing to the last installment 10 years ago.  I liked the plot quite a bit.  The female antagonist was very adequate, her ambivalence was hard to grasp.  Tom Lee Jones' role however, was compromised.  I felt it's role here is repetitive.  His death is meaningless, the evilness he represented here is shallow at the best.   Whenever Jason and CIA director interacted, I felt I was watching soap opera...  repetitive and monotonous. 

The movie was pretty good though.  The ending to me was quite satisfying.  It actually made me looking forward to the next one... if there is any... 




Sunday, May 28, 2017

伊於胡底

這是有一回, 媽媽從舅舅家回來之後, 媽媽說的. 

仔細情況怎樣, 我有點忘了.  好像是, 那一天外公的情況不是很好.   顯得有點糊塗.  媽媽起床和舅舅講述前晚的情形.  講著講著, 媽媽感覺真是的莫可奈何.  於是就說了一句, "伊於胡底".  舅舅聽不懂. 

媽媽回來問我.  我也沒聽過.  媽媽雖然知道意思和來源, 卻有點忘記典故了.  於是我們就一起上網查.

來源是詩經的一段:

詩經小雅谷風小旻中的一段原文:

潝潝訿訿,
亦孔之哀。
謀之其臧,
則具是違。
謀之不臧,
則具是依。
我視謀猶,
伊于胡底?


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全文 

詩經·小雅·小旻之什·小旻

旻天疾威,敷於下土。謀猶回遹,何日斯沮?謀臧不從,不臧覆用。我視謀猶,亦孔之邛。
 
  潝潝訿訿,亦孔之哀。謀之其臧,則具是違。謀之不臧,則具是依。我視謀猶,伊於胡厎?
 
  我龜既厭,不我告猶。謀夫孔多,是用不集。發言盈庭,誰敢執其咎?如匪行邁謀,是用不得於道。
 
  哀哉爲猶!匪先民是程,匪大猶是經。維邇言是聽,維邇言是爭。如彼築室於道謀,是用不潰於成。
 
  國雖靡止,或聖或否。民雖靡膴,或哲或謀,或肅或艾。如彼泉流,無淪胥以敗。
 
不敢暴虎,不敢馮河。人知其一,莫知其他。戰戰兢兢,如臨深淵,如履薄冰


翻譯:

  蒼天蒼天太暴虐,災難降臨我國界。朝廷策謀真僻邪,不知何時能止歇。善謀良策難聽從,歪門邪道反不絕。我看朝廷的謀劃,確是弊病太多些。

  小人嘰喳攻異己,是非不分我悲淒。若有什麼好謀略,他們全都不肯依。若有什麼壞計策,他們全都會同意。我看朝廷的謀劃,不知弄到何境地。

  占蔔靈龜已厭倦,謀劃再不向我談。謀臣策士實在多,就是沒有好意見。議論紛紛滿庭中,指出弊病有誰敢!就像謀劃要遠行,真到路上沒效驗。

  如此謀劃我悲痛,古聖先賢不效法,常規大道不遵從。近僻之言王愛聽,膚淺之見紛聚訟。就像宮室建路上,當然不會穫成功。

  國家雖然沒法度,人有聰明有糊塗。人民雖然不富足,還有明哲有善謀,有能治國有嚴肅。就像長流那泉水,不讓衰敗與陳腐!

  不敢空手打虎去,不敢徒步過河行。人們隻知這危險,不知其他災禍臨。面對政局我戰兢,就像面臨深深淵,就像腳踏薄薄冰。
 
(錄自:  http:   //   www.zwbk.org/MyLemmaShow.aspx?zh=zh-tw&lid=7865   1

  

媽媽的食譜

蓮子,白木耳,冰糖煮熟.
大豆煮軟.
待涼.

放到 blender 加水(或是那些剩下的湯汁), 白芝麻(也可以加黑芝麻, 或著枸棋) 打碎. 


 很好喝. 

Saturday, May 27, 2017

a quote i saw at a flower shop

When I saw you
I fell in love,
and you smiled
because you knew. 

it was credited to Shakespeare, but in reality it should be credited to an Italian play by Arrigo Boito who wrote the play based on "the merry wives of windsor", by Shakespear.

The original phrase in Italian is :

Come ti vidi
M’innamorai,
E tu sorridi
Perchè lo sai.


Just some fun facts.

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Today was really nice.  I hope 榕, 如果去工作, 希望有機會可以跟 Harry 他們去玩玩.

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  I felt that I worked all day.  Cleaning, Gluing refrigerator door shelf, Warehouse labels by connecting excel with word.  But just by listing them, I only worked half day really.  And they were mostly chores, which is necessary, nothing extra...  But the feeling of working all day seemed to make chores important and heavy load.  they are illusion though...  le sigh.

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Thursday, May 25, 2017

What's going on

What is happening:

1. I just finished medical interpreter certificate program.  Passed the exam.  Preparing to get my resume done over the weekend.  And prepare to find other job as well.  Any job will do. 


2. Having temps in the warehouse since early this year.  It's not easy to find a permanent worker from temps...  We have 2 temps, been working close to 3 months now.  They are young and unruly sometimes.  I felt Vic likes them though.  I bet he's lonely and bored these 3 years.  lol  le sigh... 

3.  Just had a quick thought, constantly thinking about work and CJ is maybe a blanket, a disguise to cover the real issue, which I do not want to face and challenge myself.  Being sad was a good excuse to give up.  I am very lonely though...  That loneliness maybe caused by my greed...  Don't go that way now... 

4. I find myself at a constant pickle.  I could not find enough time to finish what I wish to finish at work...  Kept distracted by small things.  Both Jose and Chris, both the temps, mentioned that I would stop communicating at some point, maybe during a conversation, or explaining something...  Did I lose concentration?   I felt I was doing a lot of self correction internally.  How Do I stop that? 

5. I always thought I was not bad at communicating.  But after these 3 years, I found I am really bad at it.  Jumpy is what Harry described me, in terms of reaction.  Stop the conversation mid way through a explanation, that's what Jose was telling me today.  Chris told me communication was the key, a month ago.  Temps might mean half jokingly.  But I consider it's a serious concern.  Internalizing too much.  After the filter, there's not much coming out.  Or what came out is broken, unclear, no connection, make no sense.  Have to let the river f low.  But I want to be proper and accurate. 

6.  I've seen Vic teaching those temps, very thorough, slow, and detailed.  He will state his thought, to the point and repeatedly.  But he did not shy away from tongue lashing either. 

7. Today, I sinked into sofa at 7, went up stairs and watched porn and masturbated once.  The whole time, I was watching myself.  It was a really weird process.  When I went to sofa, I was meant to rest a little.  Although I did not have a clear goal of what's to do next.  Then I started to read manga, until 830.  Then somehow I felt horny...  le sigh.  I want to let this feeling subside, watched clips, and release.  Right after the action, I regretted.  But what is there I could do?  My question is why did I not rest as I intended?  I consider that a key question.  Rest, pal... The more I sat idly without rest, the restless I would become. 

8. I want to learn to love.  I do not want to be sad.  When I think of 榕, I felt sad.  When I talked to her, I almost always express my concern of her well being.  I do worry.  But I want to my presence or my memory to be a happy one, which could bring smile on her face.  If there's a memory to start with.  I want to love, not sad. 

9. From now on, if I was on sofa, I sleep.  Or anything with a time limit.  Otherwise, like reading, watching youtube, using computer, etc, doing them in front of my desk or dining table. 

10.  Write a personal work list when I enter Warehouse.  Finished them is my priority, not whatever I wrote on the white board. 

11.  Construct a letter through out the working house in Warehouse, addressed to my mother, or Noz, or whatever.  Find topic to talk.  Practice.  I need to learn to talk. 

12. 

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Because of her 2

魁儡馬戲團
超智遊戲
最高機密

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Random thoughts

Even now, 5:38 am, alone with my cat, I am still hiding.  I am lying to myself.  But what is that you want me to do?  I already admit my crime, Crimes!  What is this constant attack for? 

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no consistency

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Warehouse exit strategy:

part time
improve any computer operations
3D Model of Warehouse
Map of Warehouse

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When you are old

When you are old

william butler yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

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莫文蔚

當你老了

作詞:william butler yeats, 趙照
作曲:趙照

當你老了 頭髮白了 睡意昏沉
當你老了 走不動了
爐火旁打盹 回憶青春

多少人曾愛你 青春歡暢的時辰
愛慕你的美麗 假意或真心
只有一個人 還愛你虔誠的靈魂
愛你蒼老的臉上 的皺紋

當你老了 眼眉低垂
燈火 昏黃不定
風吹過來 你的消息
這就是我心裡的歌

當你老了 眼眉低垂
燈火 昏黃不定
當我老了 我真希望
這首歌是唱給你的

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

兩首詩 Pushkin

I loved you

I loved you, and I probably still do.
And for a while, my feeling may remain...
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you, and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

(Original Russian:

Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может
В душе моей угасла не совсем;
Но пусть она вас больше не тревожит;
Я не хочу печалить вас ничем.
Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,
То робостью, то ревностью томим;
Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно,
Как дай вам бог любимой быть другим.)
 
 -------------------------
 
Night
 
My voice, to which love lend a tenderness and yearning,
Disturb night's  dreamy calm...  Pale at my bedside burning,
A taper wastes away...  From out my heart there surge
Stift verses, streams of love, that hum and sing and merge.
And, full of you, rush on, with passion overflowing.
I seemed to see your eyes that, in the darkness glowing,
Meet mine... I see your smile...  You speak to me alone,
My friend, my dearest friend...I'm yours...your own. 
 
 
(Original Russian:
 
Ночь

            

Мой голос для тебя и ласковый и томный

Тревожит поздное молчанье ночи темной.

Близ ложа моего печальная свеча

Горит; мои стихи, сливаясь и журча,

Текут, ручьи любви, текут, полны тобою.

Во тьме твои глаза блистают предо мною,

Мне улыбаются, и звуки слышу я:

Мой друг, мой нежный друг... люблю... твоя... твоя!... )
 
  
---------------

Both from Chocolate wraps...  :)

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Thoughts on movies

captain fantastic:

a movie about a father leads his children with his ideal, living in the woods, hunting, farming...  far far away from other people, and outside world, until his wife's death... 

A very fun movie to watch.  Conflicts happened within family, with father's sister's family, with in laws.  One of the best scenes was when the father and father's sister trying to explain the death of the wife, that scene was brilliant!  But what came out for me was the togetherness of the father's family and the independent of each individual in the family.  Most of all though, the movie showed love, through children's tolerance of their father, sister's never waiver effort in talking to the father, and father's decisions in making compromise in the end.  I love this movie. 

---------------

Only Yesterday,

a movie about a Japanese lady realizing her love of countryside, and a man on a journey while she recalling a lot of her memory at 10 years old.   it is an anime by 宮騎駿. 

This movie is slow and delicate.  it showed many detail in  little girl's life, her first time having pineapple, first period, first and last time, her father slapped her.  The independence of this lady was overwhelming.  From her youth, she is different.   The pacing of the movie was slow for me.  But because of the protagonist's uniqueness, I was very much engaged the whole time.  Japanese anime really is different from other world's cartoons.  The extreme thoughtful setup, like many of the memory sequence was delicately portrayed.  The blurred line and blank space, was really a nice way to express a certain memory.  The narrative of a mature woman and a young girl seemed to be a continued line without too much interruption.  Even at age 27, the lady does not have boy friend, spent her vacation working as a farmer in a countryside...   The music in the movie was special as well, they used a lot of periodical music in japan.  I loved that!    I loved the ending as well. 


----------------

The edge of seventeen

It is a movie about a 17 year girl, with her best friend and her brother together, felt a crisis on hand. 

I loved this movie.  The narrative was purely from that girl's perspective, how she felt, what she saw, what did she do...etc.  I wanted to watch this movie because of woody harrelson.  but what i saw was way beyond him.  a refreshing script, and great acting.  The movie showed by her perspective.  But without being one sided.  The actress in the movie was purely fantastic, grasped the character's mood really well. 

----------------

Logan

i went to theater in the morning, expecting little crowd.  It was filled up! Last portrayal of wolverine by hugh jackman. 

The movie was gritty, real, and filled with emotion.  I heard one of the review said it's like the new batman movie!  I whole heartedly agreed.  I do not know why I love this movie.  The hero was beat down to the ground, the air of hopeless was immense.  Yet, the emotion between professor X, Wolverine, and the girl was such a plot to lure me in! 

I love this movie. 


Saturday, January 21, 2017

Homework 2

運動與我

今天和小瑋通電話.  電話裏,他認為自己是如此的重視健康, 很注意吃得好, 也稍微有些運動.  效果卻沒有和付出的努力成正比.  小瑋對於健康老出毛病, 很懊惱.

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我常常對媽媽說, 我有甚麼好的, 都是媽媽努力的結果.  我會騎腳踏車, 會游泳, 會打桌球, 籃球, 等等的運動, 我母親都是後面那隻推動的手.

---------------------------------------------

我對我自己小時候的印象就是, 孱弱, 難帶.  大概, 沒有比我更難帶大的孩子了.

---------------------------------------------

我的外婆, 根據媽媽的說法, 是長年跑醫院的病人.  在我的記憶裏, 外婆是早上看個醫生, 中午看個醫生, 下午看個醫生.  而且, 如果這個醫生有名氣, 醫生到哪, 外婆就到哪.

--------------------------------------------

媽媽的家人裏, 幾乎都沒有運動習慣.  除了我老媽已外.  在一張老舊灰照片裏, 白沙灣上, 我媽, 媽媽的孿生妹妹, 和舅舅作在沙灘上.  我媽媽穿著泳衣, 佩蘭阿姨穿著裙子和襯衫, 舅舅著泳褲.  佩蘭阿姨是不會運動的.  舅舅畢竟是男的, 又當過海軍陸戰隊, 他會游泳.  我媽媽呢, 他是會游的.  我也和舅舅和舅媽打過乒乓球.  舅媽一看就是會打的, 但是, 舅舅就不行了.  我和媽媽也打過, 她也不會打, 但那是他將近七十了.  媽媽年輕的時候很活躍, 太極拳, 瑜珈樣樣來. 

-------------------------------------------

我很喜歡運動.  對我來說這並不只是健康的來源.  更是愉快的回憶.  我似乎只有在運動的時候才能夠感受到那種和別人無阻礙似的溝通.  這是一個既喜且悲的認知.  因為, 只有在和別人玩的時候, 我才能夠進行溝通.  而這種玩, 又必須是一種體力活.  運動完之後, 我的人際關係卻是一蹋糊塗.  幾乎沒有溝通的渠道.  至少我本人感到某種的困難和不足.

-----------------------------------------

我在這公司以工作三年了. 有時候會晚回來.  因為公司有個桌球桌, 下班之後可以和一些同事打打球.  有時候我打球打的忘了時間, 無論多晚, 她總是等我回來吃飯.  這個時候她也要抱怨, 我實在應該打電話, 如果要晚點回來的話.  有時候談打桌球這件事, 媽媽總會問, 你算不算是會打的一個?  我也總是回答, 當然嘍.  我的確算是會打.

想想,小的時候, 媽媽帶我和妹妹去各種運動營, 籃球, 游泳, 桌球...  我小時候最好的回憶幾乎都是運動.  在媽媽的帶領下, 我和妹妹在小學時代幾乎是天天游泳.  所以到了國中的時候, 我可以和其他人並肩行動.  對於高中的印象, 除了 ESL, 就是籃球.  和 Sky, Roger, 和其他人, 我高中只要有空檔, 幾乎全是籃球.  甚至, 獨自練習也在所不惜.  是的, 籃球, 以一項團體活動而言, 我現在都只拿來作有氧運動的個人練習.

我很喜歡運動.  對我來說這並不只是健康的來源.  更是愉快的回憶.  我似乎只有在運動的時候才能夠感受到那種和別人無阻礙似的溝通.  這是一個既喜且悲的認知.  因為, 只有在和別人玩的時候, 我才能夠進行溝通.  而這種玩, 又必須是一種體力活.  運動完之後, 我的人際關係卻是一蹋糊塗.  幾乎沒有溝通的渠道.  至少我本人感到某種的困難和不足.  這也是我現在那麼喜歡打桌球的一個原因吧.  在運動裏, 幾乎一定是有往有回.  這似乎滿足了我在溝通上的某種欲望.

運動又分兩種, 一種是遊戲性的, 多半要兩人以上才能做.  一種是加強身體強度的練習.  後一種運動是不能和前一種運動分開的.  因為加強身體強度的運動, 是保護自身的措施.  這樣, 在參加遊戲性運動時, 才不容易受到傷害.  這是我多年以來, 玩籃球, 常常受傷, 現在又做瑜珈, 身體竟然慢慢恢復某些強度之後有一點體會!  而現在網路發達, 常常可以看到一些運動員, 對於後一種運動的努力.  這也大大啟發我!  所以我逐漸增加一些其他的項目.  像是, 舉重和踩腳踏車.  最近的目標是希望可以再一次開始游泳.

我記得幾年前我去德州 Wendy 家.  佩蘭阿姨也順道從哈林郡來看我.Wendy 帶我們出去玩.  回來的路上, Dwight 提議去玩籃球.  結果, Charles 真的開著車找到一個籃球場.  我們和 Wendy 的小孩們還真玩的一會兒.  Wendy 和佩蘭阿姨在旁邊照像.  兩個小姑娘, 又笑又跳.  Dwight 本來滿安靜的, 在玩的時候, 卻輕鬆下來, 全心的享受這個時光.  我也是一樣!  在場上的笑和鬧, 大家在一個場上齊心做一件事, 我喜歡這樣的時光. 

Monday, January 02, 2017

thoughts on movies

Hell or high water:

It's a great movie!   Story telling in movies cannot be better than this.  The cinematography is beautiful.  The soundtrack is befitting.  However, the acting is off the chart.

The first time I watched this was on my uncle's new TV.  The graphic shown on that TV was so washed out.  It looked so fake.  I was taken aback a little bit.  I am guessing that the hi def on that awesome TV somehow made the movie looked like an indie film of some sort...  I hope Ang Lee's new movie would not be like that...  I did not finish the movie that night though, due to some personal things. 

Anyway, I kept the movie until it past the due date.  Since I cannot return the movie until Tuesday, I watched it last night with my mom.  It looked oddly beautiful on my TV.  I never thought that graphic would bother me that much until last night.  But once I "solved" the graphic issue, this became incredible, especially after jeff bridge showed up.

The story was kept simple enough.  But the outcome kept me guessing.  Most of the bank heist movie involved high tech, or incredible smart people, and intricate plot lines.  But this movie did not show too many of that.  It is a modern western with a kind of straight forwardness.  But because its bluntness, I am not sure how this movie would eventually turn.  The whole thing was driven by characters.  Characters are hard to guess, especially with ben foster's incredible insane performance.

As always I read some reviews after I watched the movie.  Most of them mentioned how close the movie represent the USAn heartland.  I am not experienced with that too much.  So I cannot say much about it.  But one of the last lines of the movie reminded me what this movie could represent in terms of social aspect throughout the human history.

"Toby Howard: I’ve been poor my whole life, like a disease passing from generation to generation. But not my boys, not anymore."

This line, does not just represent a sentiment of Usan people from midland.  But to all the poor people around the world...

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Homework

我對 Andover 的印象


我住在 Andover 剛好廿年.  在此之前, 台北是我的家.  那裏大樓林立, 街道上車子和人潮川流不息.  Andover 這樣的小鎮, 在我初來時, 感覺很有耳目一新的感覺.  尤其是我們第一個早上醒來, 出了舅舅家門, 他門口那邊有棵柳樹.  那時天氣又很好, 草是綠的, 柳樹是霧濛濛的, 天是藍的, 花是到處開的.  非常漂亮.  即使是現在, 我妹妹結婚離開這個小鎮後, 仍然說, 漫步在 Andover, 實在是非常好的享受.  這個鎮算是郊區, 但是開始住在這時, 我感覺到的不同才在我走進真正的城裏, Boston 的時候, 真正的指出來.  城裏的車子不僅不等人, 更容易對行人按喇叭, 我才真正發現郊區和城市的不同處. 

這裏的人們, 都滿友善.  大概是生活的步調緩慢多了.  我最常去的地方是圖書館.  我在大學時, 甚至寫過一篇介紹 Andover 圖書館的文章.  我在台北的時候, 實際上很少去圖書館.  要看書, 主要是買的.  台北市立圖書館當然是很不錯, 但是台北普通的小圖書館, 並不大, 擺設也不怎麼樣.  Andover 的圖書館, 是棟一看就有些歷史的建築物.  裏面的空間很大, 擺設也是處處可見新思巧緻.  Andover 也有一個享譽全球的私立高中, Philip Academy.  這所高中的校園看起來和哈佛有點像.  和一般的高中比其來簡直就像一個私立學院. 

這個鎮甚麼都好, 就有一點.  沒啥好吃的餐館.  不是連鎖店, 就是一看就踩不進去的地方.  因為, 看起來有點陰森森的, 其實也就是可能貴一點.  可是, 我就不大願意進去了.  很可惜.  這個鎮還有一個不好的.  就是很無聊.  我記得在高中時, 那時有一群從亞洲來的同學, 每個人最大的抱怨就是, 沒有地方好去.  也或許是這樣吧, 很多人的院子都很不錯.  反正沒事幹, 就花花草草吧. 

大概是一兩個月前吧, 我走過一個院子, 那家的男主人正在弄他的院子.  我和他打個招呼, 也順便寒喧一下.  他介紹院子裏的植物, 說著說著, 他指著一棵樹, 說, 這是他廿年前種的.  我看著這棵樹,想想自己也是在這裡過了廿年. 這棵樹已講長了這麼高.  而自己, 並沒有甚麼長進.  這個長者和我幾乎同一時間搬到這裏.這讓我有點灰心,喪氣,痛惡自己.

我在美國的經驗, 其實也就可以從我對 Andover 這個小鎮的印象裏得一個概括.  在 Andover 廿年, 我一個認識的人都沒有. 除了舅舅家, , 除了一些舅舅的朋友.  我常常對媽媽說, 我們到小瑋家去玩吧.  小瑋. 我妹妹, 住在 Malden.  我的 ESL 老師, 就住在離我走路十五分鐘處, 我畢業之後再也沒去拜訪過他.  我高中的同學沒有一個留下來的, 因為都是小留學生. 

說到這裏, 感覺好像有一點悲哀. 我這個人有自憐的習慣. 很糟糕. 我把人和物都說了一些.  我來說些事. 目前只有我媽媽和我住在 Andover. 大概在高中不知道第幾年開始, 我媽媽找到一條很好的路. 繞一圈, 將近一個小時.  他也已經走了將近廿年了吧.  那時候, 他還帶 Sky 媽媽來走過.  這條路把美國郊區馬路像公園的特點表現無遺.  我有時也陪著媽媽走, 像之前提到那棵樹的男主人, 媽媽以前就常常在早上五點走路時看過.  他很佩服男主人的辛勤.  這一路上有一棟秋香色的房子, 媽媽很喜歡的顏色.  不過近幾年, 他們換了顏色.  這一路上, 我們母子倆人講講談談.  著實的給我們家一個很難的機會.  雖然很多時候, 多半是他講我聽.  我近幾年走在路上, 也會碰到一些人和我們打招呼.  真的, 走了將近廿年, 很多老住戶大概也會注意到我們吧. 

住了將近廿年. 當然不會只有這些人事物.  就當這篇文章算一個起頭.  期望, 自己在尋尋找找中, 一點一滴, 一沙一礫, 可以找到個頭, 找到個希望.  這個希望或許可以變成動力... 

Monday, December 26, 2016

thoughts on movies

Assassin's creed:

I like it.  I really like the relation of father and daughter in the movie.  The action for both parkour and fighting was both clear and intense.  Even the transition between modern day and ancient time was clearly executed.  I like the casting decision on many people, especially that general of Christian Spain. 

I'd complain about the music though.  It's very loud. 

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La La Land:

This movie was awesome.  I love it. I remembered watch old musicals, where, I felt a glee watching protagonist dancing the girl of his dream.  It's like two puppies play with innocence and joy.  I found the innocence and joy from both Emma and Ryan!  Their characters matched up perfectly, with their wits, intelligence, and passion!  The dialogue between the two brought smile on my face.  Their dance was not Fred and Ginger, but it's more than enough. 

The opening scene already brought a smile on my face.   Most of the scenes were in reality, but many of them, were filmed in like a fantasy sequences! 

Anyway, I recommended everyone to see it. 

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Year in review 1

我上次去蘇州, 在外公家裏看到一件有趣的事.  那就是外公會在小簿子裏記錄一些簡短的想法.  這個方法在媽媽那邊也可以看的到.  就好像一種傳承一樣.  我會注意到這一點, 因為我也有同樣的習慣.  無論是在台灣, 還是來美國後更變本加厲.  而我的簿子裏總是有一些小計畫, 要早起, 要吃健康, 要做怎樣美好的事情.  再不然就是檢討.  就像現在正在做得.

起初乍看之下, 怵目驚心.  現在說, "和外公一樣, 不是很好的事情.  似乎是一件令人討厭的事.  媽媽呢, 則不只是寫在小簿子裏, 他常常隨手抓一張紙, 就寫在上面, 可能是信封, 可能是廣告的背面.  這樣子, 寫下來的東西也常常丟掉.  像那樣子似乎也不怎麼好.  但是, 現在看一看自己的桌面, 上面仍然到處是紙條.  拉倒, 拉倒, 也就這樣了.

把紙條記錄在這裏, 然後把他們丟了吧.  沒有時間順序, 也沒有重要性.  純粹抓到啥記啥.

1.  a. 訂出課程表; b. 學習時間定量; c. 目標 (有恆), (不回情緒左右)

2. 為啥別人的事記的牢些, 自己的事少些?

3. 詩云:  "迨天之未陰雨,  撤彼桑土, 綢繆牖戶; 今此下民, 或敢侮予?"  (孟子公孫丑上四:詩·國風·豳風·鴟鴞)

4. 義人的心, 思量如何回答 / 回答柔和, 使怒消退 / 智慧人的舌, 善發知識 /  溫良的舌是生命的樹.  

5. I forgot how to enjoy.  The joy in the heart is something worth to remember.  Celebrate the things that give me joy and comfort.  Realize the fleeing inside of me.  Let it spread from my heart to my smile.  

6. Look at my desk.  All the finished and unfinished tasks.  Plus those little notes scattered and all around.  Maybe inside, my brain are wild as well.  

7. 若蠱之上九, 居無用之地, 而致匪躬之節, 以蹇之六二, 在王臣之位, 而高不事之心, 則冒進之患生, 曠官之刺興.  (爭臣論, 韓愈)

8. 清潔用具:  準備一個水桶, 一條抹布, 一雙手套.  

9. 布衣之怒, 亦免冠徒跣, 以頭搶地耳....;  此庸夫之怒也.  非士之怒也.  ....  懷怒未發, 休將於天.  (唐雎不辱使命)

10.  Mascon floor plan steps:  1. get measurement;  2. use the software; 3. print.  

11.  進擊的巨人/食夢人(爆漫人)/ 超智遊戲/排球少年/魁男塾/拳擊浪子/死亡筆記/Jo Jo 的奇幻冒險/烙印勇士/山與食欲與我

 

Friday, November 25, 2016

wolf children movie thought

This movie is interesting.  I feel that it is a sad movie. I think the premise of the movie is interesting.  A mother raised two wolf children, who had a hard time to decide what they want to be, human or wolf.  The mother had to study both human and wolf in able to raise the kids.

After watching it, I have a weird feeling that some Japanese movies emphasize on letting things go very strongly.  Especially with Japanese animation.  I always have this tremendous feeling of linger after watching many of their animations.  But sometimes, I felt it was forced.  It's unnatural.  Unnatural is such a strong word, maybe too forceful would be more properly describe what I feel. 

There are two kids in the movie,  one is a girl, the other is a boy.  Girl chose to be human in the end, vice versa for the boy.  The mother showed great effort trying to hold on to him. But in the end,  put a smile on her face, symbolizing her let go of her son.  I just feel a tremendous sorrow for her.  Because she put forth such effort to raise him.   The boy is weak of the two, she always put more effort on him than his sister.  Suddenly, he's gone, and left her without a some form of giving back.  What I see is a Mother's tremendous love, but nothing from her son.  The only thing I'd say is that her son is growing up, she's certain about it.  The sister on the other hand chooses to be human.  But when the emotion flared up, she resorted to the wolf form.  Her mother always warned her about that side of herself.  So when an incident happened, the confident inside of her waned.  And this hiding adds tremendous pressure on her shoulder.  But her mother did not have to worry about her.  She comes to terms with is in the end.  The movie is narrated by the girl. 

I am writing so far, and could not but think to myself.  How do I come to such thoughts?  Because for these two days, I am in despair.  Every holiday season is like this.  What I am thinking is how come my sister can act upon her desire, although it might estrange the relation with Mom.  But is this observation correct?  I don't act upon my Mom's desires.  I don't act upon my own either.  The only thing left to act upon is basic instinct.  But is this observation correct? 


A movie like this cannot be viewed as merely entertainment.  But since it cannot be just entertainment, I doubted I'd go back and watch it again...  Kind heavy... 

Monday, October 31, 2016

以前的日記

西元二零一三, 十月九日

上星期四去瑜珈之前, 先去投了一下籃.  場上已有三個人在玩.  我和其中一人去年玩過幾次, 今年都還未見過他. 

我自己照自己的平常的計畫練習.  開始, 籃下 Mikan's 左右手鉤射.  再來是 stevenash's 底線投籃投進五十次.  進行到一半, 那三個人問我要不要玩比賽.  我只穿了涼鞋, 所以就拒絕了. 

後來, 又來了兩個人, 他們又問我玩否? 去的那個人, 說, George, 你可以不用跑, 我們把球傳給你, 你射球就好.  他叫 Sean, 不過他記錯我名字了.  我和 Sean 還有另一個最高壯的人一對, 我倆身材都小.  這場比賽還蠻好玩的. 

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Sunday, October 09, 2016

a moment of rarity these days

1.  I went to my company's 35 year anniversary.  It's a 3 day event, from Thur to Saturday(092902016 ~ 10012016).  I did not want to go when they announced the event. But  I told my mom that I going to give my resignation after the event.  It really upset her.  So I decided I will go instead, just to show her that I would stay, while looking for other opportunity.

2.  I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week.  I drove up to North Woodstock, NH with Grace, company rent a few units in Deer Park Resort.  I stayed in a unit with Tom Zhang, CY Chang, Angus, Vic, and Anne.  The resort was quite pretty, neatly arranged, surrounded by a river, with creeks running through. 

3.I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week.  I prepped a coupled dishes to bring to the event.  One was 紅白蘿蔔和小黃瓜泡菜, and  the other was Vodka, soy sauce, brown sugar chicken wings(learned from Bob).  The first one was a failure at first.  I did it too late, like started on Wednesday...  So I only brought the chicken wing.  I planned banana bread as well.  However, I bought the banana too late, for the banana were not ripe enough...  lol 

4. I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week.  The days lead up to the event, Phil and other people started to get excited.  Phil asked me once, if I was going or not, and was I excited?  I complained a little, not looking forward to the event, and pointed out that the company is not even paying us breakfast and lunch...  And on top of all these, the forecast was not favorable either!  He said I am a Debbie Downer...  lol   That was the new words I learned that day.  lol 

5. I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week. A few weeks ago,  Sofiya invited me to her home, to see her newly finished basement.   When her husband came home, he immediately offered me alcohol drinks.  Sofiya stopped him, and I myself declined as well.  It's kind funny, how quickly Sofiya learned about me.  She's perceptive.  lol  At time of my leave, Ivan, Sofiya's hubby, asked me if I was going to the event.  I said no.  They both thought it's impossible for me not to go...  Well, they were right. 

6. I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week.   I was planning to go to Monadnock Mountain with Mae Han on Saturday(10012016).  She was the only few in the company that's not going to the event.  She said somebody told her, She can't go with her daughter, so she decided to stay behind.  We checked the weather for that week, it did not look good, raining and cold.  We decided to forego the plan.  I felt sorry.  Because I was trying to bail on her once a couple weeks ago.  For Phil said he's trying to get everyone in the company to shoot at his gun club, hopefully the company would pay for everything.  So naturally, I was excited.  I debated with myself a 10 minutes and talked to Mae about canceling.  Well, I felt so bad though...  So at the end, I told her we will go.  But the weather melted the plan...  On top of that, it's stupid of me to think that company would pay for the expenses of gun club...  lol  Phil's wishful thinking, my greedy attempt...  le sigh.  lol

7. I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week. Grace asked me if I was going to the event 4 days before the trip.  I wondered about her not going or not.  I thought I heard she saying not going.  But she was frustrated to hell at the time because of her flooded apartment.  It was restored to the normal just 1.5, or 2 weeks ago.  She decided to get on board.  Of course I will drive Grace. 

8. I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week.  Jo got a bunch of stuff, and asked me if I could carry those things into the mountain.  I told her, yeah, I could carry some.  Then she asked Vic, if they could carried some as well.  Vic said, sure.  She did emphasized that people who  carried all the cooler, volleyball net, needed to be at destination early.  Well, I made it there second the last.  Vic was the last...  lol  He even got a huge speeding ticket.  le sigh,   Company colleagues chipped for the fine though.  But Jo said I will be off the logistic duty from now on.  lol  I did asked Phil and Sofiya to take part in the action...  It's just that they did not take the cooler and volleyball net setup...  lol 

9. I went to my company's 35 year anniversary last week.   It was hectic on Thursday, we were trying to ship so many things out.  And we only had half day.  Somebody needed to stay until the freight was picked up.  That was the presumption before Thursday.  It turned out to be an huge underestimation.  Because we have to ship unusually huge amount of packages through Fedex and UPS ground.  Some of them were big and heavy.  George was nominated for waiting the freight truck.  Upon hearing that he will have wait for the Fedex and UPS, which usually came after 3, he was very disappointed.  He called his wife, and probably informed his mom and mother in law.  Kate, his wife must be mad.  Vic suggested that he could dropped the packages himself to the Fedex and UPS store.  So he did not need to wait for the drivers.  He immediately put that into action.  The packages filled his car to the to and bottom, front and back.  It's lucky that he did not drive his Lexus here that day.  Anyway, he determined, probably don't matter which car it was . 

10. Vic cut my hair towards the end on Thursday.  He spent 30 minutes, he is such a perfectionist.  The hair looked nice, but it looked just like his...  lol 

11. We finally get to the resort.  For this trip, I even got a transponder for EZ pass.  I know there's toll, but I was surprised there's only 1 toll...  lol  The weather was really nice, sunny and blue sky.  When me and Grace get to there, almost everyone was there already.  The grill was firing.  People are chatting, drinking.  Young people like CJ, CY, Angus, and Harris & Mandy(Harris's girlfriend) were laughing.   Angus immediately asked Tom for the key to  rent a basketball.  Then later, we ate, some people drank.  The beef patty was nice.  Jeanie's rice was really great this time. Later, when people really started to drink, CJ and her bunch took care of the young kids, Sofia's twin, and Bella.  We stayed in the tennis court until dark.  CJ and CY's mom came playing as tennis as well.  In many ways, I felt CJ and CY are very different from their mother.  But when I saw that she wanted to play, I felt, maybe there must be some parts I did not see. 

12. On the tennis court, while running around with Sofiya's twin, Timon and Maria, and Alex's daughter, Bella.  I had interesting conversation with Bella.  I don't know what led to the subject.  But she mentioned that her father was very strict at home.  I was not surprised.  Alex seemed to be mellow at first glance.  But by these few years, I know he's quick, smart, strict, and in some ways, very direct.  He knows how to establish dominance.  But hearing from his daughter, it is very interesting.  I told her the usual, it's because her father loves her.  But deep down, I really felt a bit sorry for her.  Strict is one thing.  Everytime I saw Bella, I felt she's alone.  I know her father loves her, I can feel it.  But Alex is not a person of intimacy.  Usually, Bella's mother would provide the intimacy.  But she's gone.  A stepmom is in place, but she's young and inexperienced.  On top of that new mother got her own kid now.  I hope she'd be fine.  I really hope so.  She's smart, I can immediately see that.  I hope she will be fine. 

13. There's a lake in the resort.  When I first laid my eyes on it, I loved it.  It's a jewel in the middle of the woods.  When the night came, the night sky shone upon the lake.  You could almost see the Milky way.  I immediately decided to swim in the lake.  So the next day, I got up at 430, hoping to swim in the lake early in the morning.  But my gosh, it's cold outside.  I went out for a walk.  Those youngsters laughed when they awoke, "Jack is an old man" they said, "he got up at don't know how early, and took a walk..."  lol.  By 8.00, CJ came down from the third floor and gathered the youngsters and I to have breakfast in their unit.  They brought a feast! There's sushi, Chinese bread rolls, all kinds of berries, anyway, it was eye popping!  lol  After the breakfast, we played a table top game, Chinese one, it's called "風聲".  I was excited.  Since I did not have much experience with Chinese card games before.  Wow, it's was really hard.   Tom cannot stop asking questions,but after a few rounds, he started to get a hang of it.  I still could not.  For I feel like I could not guess who's my teammate, and who's not.  I started to draw back from the game...  lol  Anyway, after 10, I decided it's warm enough outside, all of us went to swim.  CY wanted to go with me in the lake at first.  He even did warm up with me for 10 minutes.  It's too cold...  So only I went in.  The water was still too cold.  After one lap, I had enough.  So I went to the indoor pool with other people.  Even inside, I was still shaking.  We played 騎馬打仗.  I tried to carry Harry on my should, I could not, he's too muscular...  lol  At lunch, Jeanie said she's scared that I might cramp and drown.  There's ain't no body could save me. 

14. We were playing Volleyball.  I think Jo really like to create a feeling of everybody playing together.  Volleyball was the way to go.  I was tired.  So I came into the game late.  But what a luck, the ball just past me and went into the lake.  While I was still wondering what to do.   CJ immediately took off her shoes and socks and went into the lake to get the ball.  The only thing I was thinking was why didn't I think of that...  That girl can take action quickly!  le sigh.

15. The dinner of that night was the main event.  Company hosting in a restaurant, country style restaurant.  A lot of food, all kinds of meat, except pork.  They were pretty good.  But my gosh people started to drink, especially engineers.  Before we gathered in Wayne's unit after dinner.  CJ and CY was already half drunk.

16.  Tom needed to leave after the dinner, so I drove CY, Angus, and Wayne back.  Harry was driving with his girlfriend and right in front of me.  He must have heard that I was not sure where to go.  He led me to Wayne's place and left.  I was impressed.  The last time I went to Monadnock mountain with him and CY, he helped a kid with nose bleed.  And now this voluntary lead to help his fellow men.  You gotta love that guy. 

17.  In the Wayne's unit, they started to play drinking game.  All the youngsters and Alex and John joined.  Beer was drunk like water.  Then, Phil served up tequila shots with salt on the rims and lime for the after taste.  After that it was 15 years scotch.  CJ was so drunk.  Actually, almost every youngsters were drunk, except Angus.  CJ was hugging every youngsters and try to kiss Mandy,  CY told me, CJ was not drunk; and he himself just got weak knees, that's all.  Everything's cool...  :p  In the game, John kept pushing Mandy, I though Mandy would be the first to go.  But it turned out that Harry was the first one to throw up.  Alex was very experienced, after the first throw up, he had me to dump it into toilet, otherwise, that smell alone could induce everyone to throw up.  Then CJ started to throw up.  She did so badly, but she said that it's her second time this year.  She became weak, she started to feel a bit down.  I've known she's that feeling the paintball game.  She was saying that she's missed her boyfriend.  She was saying it while Alex holding the container.  I was trying to get her hair away from the throw up.  I told her I know you missed him.  And Alex said I am going to Taiwan next week, I will tell your boyfriend.  Finally she calm down and decided to sleep on the floor in Wayne' s unit.  Everyone knows CJ's situation.  She's lying fast asleep besides Mandy, who's so drunk, started to talk randomly.  Harry was besides her, watching intently.  Then, while Alex and everyone was talking about their first drunk experience, Mandy thew up, the last one was CY, he felt something coming, went into rest room, but I have to use the toilet to flush out Mandy's dinner.  Well,CY is in the prime spot for the smell.  Anyway, CY, CJ, Harry, and Mandy slept in Wayne's unit.  I left with Angus. 

18. I did many things in this outing, that I never did before.  Like smoking Cigars, and even 麻大.  Did not feel anything though, I mean from 麻大.  Cigar burnt a little.  Did not taste good either...  This time though I did not cough.  

19. The next day, I took my early walk as usual.  I met John, he's going to get MacDonald.  I went with him, in his fancy BMW i8.  I don't even know how to open the door.  He checked the bag and receipt before he drove away from the drive through window.  It must be weird that I wrote it down here.  But it's just a reminder for myself.  Even, he, checked it.  It's a habit and I need to learn! 

20.  I went back, CY was already in the room.  CJ came down not long after I got home.  We went up for breakfast.  We were talking about going to Mt. Washington.  But it turned out that her uncle got a  cold and need to go home early. 

21. I told Jeanie what happened last night, she's all laughing.  I guess it's happened a few times to themselves as well.  It's really new to me though.  Jeanie then suggested that I and Grace to go to Mt. Washington Hotel, she said we should use valet parking, and have a lunch over there.  Although it's a 5 star hotel, it's not that expensive.  We did what she told us.  It was a very nice experience.  The hotel itself is quite impressive.  There were some real foliage around the hotel. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mom is coming back tomorrow.  I seemed to have a moment of breaking down though.  For this reason, I am not interested to find out why.  I am only interested in find out how to avoid at all cost.   And remember it's the videos that I needed to avoid, not the action itself.  Because remember it's been 14 years.  I have a rich well inside of me.  Right now it's time to kill the stream and see if it'd dry up!
If I was alone, and in need to sleep, do not fret, but go to sleep.  let go of whatever was at hand!!!!   

This is not to say that I don't want to find out the reason.  But the reason is so illusive.  There's one thing I want to keep in mind, why is it being correct so important to me?!  I want to constantly asking, reminding myself of that question.  Don't be quick to write the answer to the stone.  But keep asking! 

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I saw CJ's picture.  she went back to TW.  The first picture I saw, it saddened me.  I know, I know, she looked happy, dressing in a night gawn, incredible beautiful, with her boyfriend, in a back drop of grand hotel.  She's beautiful, with a her killer smile.  I am not sure if it's jealous, or sadness.  I kept reminding myself to be happy for her.  I try very hard. 

I saw her second picture, she's having a meal with her parents in a restaurant.  She looked relaxed and happy.  She's beautiful.  It's always funny that she's always looked like a little girl when her parents are around.  I like that.  She loves her family very much.  I like that very much. I wish I would be like that with my mom.  But at the same time, won't worry her too much. 

CJ is a woman, mature with her own intention and thoughts.  I want to be happy for her.  I am happy for her. 



The projects lost

有多少夢想, 等著實現.  卻都只有開始, 和無聲無息的消逝. 
那夢想激起了爆裂性的狂熱.  剎那間, 美好的結果似乎產出. 
我眼睛, 嚮往著完美.  我的精神似乎已達到彼岸. 

但是, 愚拙的肉體, 比蝸牛還慢. 
緩慢的時間, 還有太陽的考驗, 耐力智力, 無聊的環境.
頭腦已到了彼岸, 但是, 剩下的軀體, 還在東西遊蕩.
放棄放棄, 頭腦拋棄了軀殼.  耳邊的風聲, 不絕. 

風聲越來越大, 於是小船的沉溺, 不可避免.
於是, 剩下來的只有低迴沉吟,
後悔, 也只有如此.  而已, 而已. 

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有一次坐在舅舅車上,  好像是到他的房子去幫點忙.  在回家的路上, 我也忘記怎麼談到的.  他問我有無 trapped 的感覺.  我很了解他說啥, 也因此, 我覺得可能有.  可是我回答說, 沒有.  他自己卻說, 他感覺他自己有一點這種感覺.  然後又說了類似, 他好像有很多想做的事情, 都沒有做.  言下之意, 很有追悔的意思.  很奇怪的, 我覺得他說啥, 我都好像可以了解... 那是好幾年前了. 

我真的常常是如此.  有很多想做的事, 起了一些頭.  沒有一個是完成的.  我現在在倉庫裏工作, 我覺得我是如此的認真工作.  一早到, 就開始寫下今天可能要做的事.  開始工作後, 也不斷增加或改寫這個清單.  我覺得我一定要像水一樣, 補我同事的不足之處.  所以從早到結束很少有坐下來的時候.  而且往往是小不拉嘰的事情.  之前的 Michelle 就笑我做的事, 不過是 chores...  我一聽很有道理. 

自從聽到這話, 我覺得有點難過.  但是, 我依然如此行.  到現在, 我也不斷問我自己, 為啥?  為誰呢?  自家的生活起居, 我還遠遠沒有這個在意.  自己的夢想, 也似乎永遠不可能像這樣勤快, 耐心, 持久的做下去!?  這真是可悲的人生.  這也是一種不慎獨的情況吧?  生活起居, 要和媽媽合作, 如果這對我有困難.  那難道朝著夢想前行, 也無能為力嗎? 

夢想的開始, 總是一股子熱情!  但是, 熱情啊, 來去如風.  好像情緒.  又好像美國下完雨的路面, 一下就乾了.  要堅持, 還需要設定固定時間, 和無論是理性還是非理性的堅持力! 

不能放棄! 



Saturday, August 27, 2016

Monadnock mount.

I went to Monadnock mountain with my sister, PQ, two of their brothers, and two of my colleagues.  My sister haven't slept well for the past week or so, but she insisted on going with us. 

We were a bit late when we get there.   All our companies were there already.  My colleagues were Harry, the latest engineer in the company, and Chi-Yang Chang(CY, aka, Eon), CJ's brother.  My sister and her husband's brothers were Gerry and Chong, both artists. 

These were two distinctive groups,  one was young, includes Harry and CY.  The other were a bit seasoned.  From the very start, H and CY already separated from the group, they went ahead.  On the quarter way up, my sister had cramp, quite severely, I'd say.  She still insisted on going up.  A little bit way up, I suddenly had a feeling that my sister and PQ wanted to come, of course.  But not as badly as I wanted for these past 2 months.  I made arrangement with CJ once, but  I eventually did not tell her.  This can't happen with just her and I...  I made the trip half way through one day alone, but my car broke down.  I really want to come by myself for once.  I decided to go up fast and come down fast as well, so that my sister would probably give up on getting to the top. 

I chased after H and CY, without telling the 4 people below.  I went as fast as I could.  And I eventually found them on a big rock, snacking.  They were young, H was even playing Pokemon Go along the way.  CY seemed a bit tired, but still very much capable.  His right knee bothered him quite a little.  But his spirit remain high and strong, very much like his sister's temperament.  Very good.  These two youngsters never experience these sort of hiking.  CY was texting me asking could he cook noodle on the top of the mountain...  Hehehe.  He made a rice roll himself in the end.  Both ideas were probably from the manga series, (山與食欲與我)...  Hehehe.   H was smart, he froze some yogurt overnight, and bag them with some fruits!  Clever fellow. 

We brave ourselves to the top, the sun was pouring down on us, albeit a little bit windy.  There were gnats, swarming the top!  We quickly get off the top and find a nice place with a little pool and nice grassy land by the big rocks.  Had our lunch, then I got a message, My sister and her group were about half way up, but decided to head down.  So we quickly demolished our lunch and did a quick rest, and head down as well.  CY's knee was not so good on the way down.  But he was running, jumping, moving quickly.  H moved steadily, often at his own pace, carefully.  CY eventually used my stick a little bit.  His knee could hardly bent.  But what a guy, no complaint, and kept on going with brisk pace. 

I guess I learned more about people in this trip than the past 30 days when I worked with these two.  For example, we walked past a mother with a young kid, who was having a nose bleed.  I noticed his discomfort and asked about it.  Harry immediately gave some suggestion about tilting the head back a little, to help the clogging process.  He talked in detail, like he had experience before.  That's something new.  CY was very tired, but still remain playful and high spirited.  He often walked as the lead of all three. 

When we got down, my sister and PQ were surprised to see us coming down so quickly.  Later, we found out that it's Chong who's exhausted.  And he and Gerry left early.  We chat a little bit, and we even interacted with one group of people they were just preparing to ascending the mountain.  They helped us to take a group photo.  It was a great feeling to have strangers laughing and helping each other out.  Gave me some kind of kindred spirit.  But it's also because it was with my sister and PQ.  They talked from their heart, they were not afraid to let laughter and chat affect the people around us.  People in return, must felt the same way too, happy and open. 

We tried to go to PQ's gyro place in nashua, NH.  They lost the lease, so they closed down.  Then my colleagues and us went to 老四川.  After that, I even played a little tennis with PQ in Malden, since he was not that tired. 

Side note, My uncle had difficulty walking, my mom now needed to watch my grandpa two nights now...  I am not pissed at uncle, but the circumstance is really taxing to my mom.  I will try to convince my mom to let me watch grandpa overnight...  I am guess grandpa really don't like me...  le sigh. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

loose package

We got a package back from customer.  The label on the box showed it was refused by Alex, maybe he's customer's engineer.  Vic saw the package and immediately said to me, the package needed to be packed correctly.  If it's with trays, you will need to put a cardboard on the top tray, so it won't be all over the place while shipping. 

I felt unease and checked the paperwork.  It was from July 29 2016.  Signed and dated by Vic.  Somehow he sounded like I did it...  I did not say anything but concede to him about packing boxes securely.  Maybe he did not mean to accuse me of wrong shipping.  Maybe he just parted his wisdom to me, the little grasshopper.  Or maybe he just said it out loud to reminded himself again.  Anyway,  I felt slight disgust.  Because I know I tried to packing everything as tightly as possible.  I don't want to take the blame for what I did not do. 

Two things here.  One is that I did not react to his lecture.  Why?  Because I was afraid of him?  No,  but I really did not know how to put a words in here since I found out it's him who shipped the package.  Second is I did not want to take the blame.  Really did not want to! 

Vic and I needed to count the pieces, we put every thing back from box to trays.  Then Vic put them in the box and I put them to the corresponded area.  Later, CJ came and showed me the trays.  Wow, that was an eye opener.  Vic taped and put a cover on tops of the tray, he made it so pretty!  Almost like a Japanese gift!  CJ wanted to know if this came in this condition.  I said, No.  It was with pieces loose in the box.  And I told her we did not know the reason why this is returned.  She left without saying much.  But that was really an eye-opener.

I think Vic knows what happened when he saw the package.  Otherwise, he won't spend that much effort on it.  He lectured me, is just a way to shift focus from him to me.  It's not the first time this happened.   It won't be the last.  There's something to be learned here though. 

---------------------------

Never seen Sofia so excited about a job.  She told me she's looking.  And today she's talking about a job interview by phone.  She's a smart and ambitious women.  Great work ethic and everything else.  If she really left before I did, I'd greatly miss her!!! 


Sunday, August 14, 2016

兩隻貓

大概有四五個星期了吧, 胡熒阿姨的公寓遭遇水災.  他樓上的鄰居淹水, 這水影響了四三二一樓的居民.  胡熒阿姨是三樓, 首當其衝.  從天花板到地板, 水電通通都斷了.  他自己都住在鄰居家, 他把貓, Ashby 放到我家來. 

Ashby 不能上桌, 但是我家的貓可以.  於是 Ashby 就老在桌下叫個不停, 我們都在笑他在抱怨.  但是胡熒阿姨聽了, 有另一種說法.  他說 Roger 小的時候不准碰卡式錄音帶.  有一天, 胡熒阿姨帶著 Roger 到美容院.  胡熒阿姨正在剪頭髮的時候, 卻突然聽到 Roger 大叫, "媽媽打, 媽媽打!"  胡熒阿姨低頭一看, 原來美容院老闆的女兒拿著卡式錄音帶在玩! 

胡熒阿姨說, Ashby 一定是對著寶寶在說著同樣的話, "媽媽打, 媽媽打!" 

今天 Roger和 Becca來接 Ashby 回胡熒阿姨的公寓.  他的住處總算修好了.  我正在和他們聊一聊兩隻貓相處得如何.  媽媽一聽, 就說: "Ashby 一定是在說 '媽媽打, 媽媽打.'"  我有點怕 Roger 難為情,好像他媽媽把他小時候的事到處說...不過他還好.  笑笑就過了. 

我想要

  1. 我想要我媽媽和我妹妹都可以過得好.  
  2. 我希望我媽和我妹相處得好
  3. 我想要學日文
  4. 我想要學廣東話
  5. 我想要學德文
  6. 我想要學俄語
  7. 我想要做一間我喜歡的廁所
  8. 我想要我的院子漂亮
  9. 我想要我的院子充滿魚蟲花鳥
  10. 我想要我的車庫整齊清潔
  11. 我想要一部腳踏車
  12. 我想要一台可以玩遊戲的電腦
  13. 我想要玩 幕府全軍破敵二
  14. 我想要可以邊談吉他邊唱歌
  15. 我希望我可以有娶榕的能力
  16. 我希望我可以不自慚形穢
  17. 我希望我可繼續增加籃球的能力
  18. 我希望我會開手排
  19. 我希望我加深對車子的認識
  20. 我想學排球
  21. 我想學網球
  22. 我想學畫畫
  23. 我想整理自己的房間
  24. 我想要把字寫好
  25. 我想要把英文講好
  26. 我希望把中文講好
  27. 我希望自己在人前不要太奇怪
  28. 我希望跟我的貓咪每天都玩十分鐘
  29. 我想要做醫生
  30. 我想要去尋找我老爸的過去
  31. 我想跟我老爸說對不起
  32. 我想要跟牧望說說話
  33. 我想要離開馬斯康
  34. 我想要榕在我身邊
  35. 我希望榕過的開心, 滿足, 找到他的終身伴侶, 一起成長, 一起打拼
  36. 我希望我自己可以完成我自己
  37. 我希望知道自己想要甚麼
  38. 我希望自己不要害怕
  39. 我希望自己更強壯, 更勇敢
  40. 我想要學習怎麼投資
  41. 我想要整理一切可以稱作是自己的東西
  42. 我要在 ebay 上賣東西
  43. 我想要繼續塗鴉
  44. 我想要讀很多書
  45. 我想要看很多電影
  46. 我想要玩電腦遊戲
  47. 我希望我也可以穿出自己的風格
  48. 我希望學會如可持續的做一些事情, 而不是半途而廢
  49. 我想要會做木雕
  50. 我想要游泳
  51. 我想要會跳舞
  52. 我想要自己不要容易氣餒
  53. 我希望自己不需要凡事比較爭勝
  54. 我想要加深瑜珈的訓練
  55. 我想要加強自己的體能
  56. 我想要能夠拿得起放得下
  57. 我想要能夠清楚知道自己要甚麼
  58. 我想要加強我的決斷力 
  59. 我想要增強我的集中力
  60. 我想要榕
  61. 我想要 fall in love and never get back up
  62. 我想要面對比我好的人卻不害怕他們
  63. 我想要勇敢做自己想要做的事

Thursday, August 11, 2016

我妹妹的故事

今天我回家後, 媽媽跟我說了一個小瑋的故事. 

我們家以前不會包餛飩.  但是自從小瑋嫁給沛權後, 我們家也學會用冬菜和絞肉來包餛飩. 我們總是用市場買到的絞好的肉.  小瑋他們則不然, 他們一定是買 rib, 好像不是 spare ribs, 是有骨頭的那一種.  然後把肉切出來後, 交給絞肉機絞碎.  骨頭呢, 小瑋很聰明, 他拿來熬高湯.  往往一燒就是一個鐘點. 

最近的某一天,他們家正吃著自家包的餛飩.  小瑋心血來潮的問沛權, 我這用排骨高湯熬的湯餛飩和平常只用醬油加開水的比起來怎樣啊?  沛權也不只怎的, 大概有點心不在焉, 說, "都很好啊."  小瑋聽了大不受用! 

隔天, 小瑋又下了餛飩.  這次, 他只用白開水加醬油.  但是, 小瑋在吃的時候一句話也沒有說.  吃完了, 兩人有事要出去.  坐在車上好一陣子, 車子都很安靜.  突然, 沛權說, "還是有排骨高湯的好吃..." 

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Today's nonsense

SA is closing the store nationwide since couple weeks ago.  I decided to take a look, at the same time, going to the Rockingham park mall to ask T-Mobile about new cell.  I'd like to see a Surface pro4 too.  Watched some youtube about it... 

In the RPM, I was introduced in a cosmetic store.  That sales person first gave me a sample, then had me sit down at the store to show me his product.  Then he started to do a lot of sales pitch, selling me this manicure set.  I bought one box set in the end.  I know this is a mistake.  But at the same time, I was cooking up excuses for me buying the set, like it's a gift for PL Ah Yi.  Deep down though, I knew it's just excuse...

Anyway, from then on, I went to the SportsAuthority and found out that the stock is almost gone...  So I frankly search for anything I could get.  I got my hands on fleet throw, champion spandex-ish pants, basketball...  But eventually, I set these all side,  I got my mom a shoes, and myself a basketball shoes, which I told myself during this visit, I don't need a basketball shoes... 

Anyway, the total expenses was 140+.  The two shoes were flop, because the basketball shoes was an impulse buy.   I was waiting in line with my mom's shoes, but suddenly I felt an urge to leave the line, and unsatisfied about something.  I went towards the basketball shoes section and get the first one I saw and tried it on.  The size was good, except a bit too narrow.  But again, an impulse arose from nowhere, it's like something unsatisfied... 

I went home afterwards, and found that nothing really satisfied, not even my mom's shoes.  She insisted it's okay.  But I know it's only barely.  I even drove back to RPM trying to return the Manicure thing.  Nay, it's not refundable. 

I was very upset.  I was very upset lately.  Not just for this thing.  But again and again, I act according my impulses, by speaking, by action, by many things.  I know the plan, I couldn't stick to it.  But at the same time, I know most plan are supposed to be thrown out when the real action started. 

I need to know what I want, when I talk to people?  But I need to learn tact without throwing refuses right at other people's faces.  I have to refuse and hold on to my decision firmly for now without tact though... 

I'm sad... 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

To memorialize a cup

I am throwing a cup out.  This green cup has been my cup for brushing teeth since I had any memory of teeth and brushing.

My sister used to have one such cup when she's younger.  But she use a different one now.  My mom bought things for us, she never had a cup of her own.  I don't know the reason why I kept this cup for such a long time.  I just never cared about which cup I used, I guess.  I do like this green cup though.

It's a plastic cup, perfect size for brushing teeth.  It's weight like a feather.  It's kind dirty on the outside, and there are some bumps and on the bottom.  But it's quite perfect at the opening.  It has  sticker, I never peeled off.  It said W-3, W-cup, Natural Color, 台南, 穩泰.  I guess it was where it was made.   And I think it's unique that I keep it for such a long time.

The reason I am considering to throw it out is actually two.  The first one is that it's plastic.   The second one is that I want to make some changes around myself. 

It's trivial matters though...  le sigh.



After bowling

I went to bowling with company colleagues last Friday.  It was great.  But it was horrible over the weekend.  My heart was completely stocked with CJ's images.  I was crying on the way home from bowling.  Right at the end of the game, my heart sank.  I can't remember how many times I cried because my head just filled with her images. 

CJ was very good at bowling.  I know she liked it, that's why I called for it at the end of last year.  But I was horrible at arranging outings like this, it takes Da Wei to make the outing come true.  And at  last, I finally saw her in action...

We went to Lao Xi An for dinner.   Me, Tom, Tom's girl friend(Liu Wen), George went to pick CJ's cousin and cousin's boy friend with CJ.  It was always a riot with CJ and George.  CJ's sister(cousin) had a shining eyes.  They both wore, black pants, and white tops.  CJ looked good.

We arrived at bowling at 7.  We played until 9ish.  My mind just go blank, when I want to write this stuff down....



I want to tell her that I like her...really really really like her, really.!  I can't contain with myself.  I cried a second time on Sunday while doing laundry.  I really wish to hug her and give her a big kiss.  But what's the difference between that and how I treat my cat?  My sister asked me then what?  I still can't answer.  It made me look at myself more closely?  No!  I already told my sis, I will not make a move.  I constantly tell myself that CJ and I are way different.  I am just lonely.  She like a life which I can't provide.  I even once dreamed a dream that she was buying a band name bag, I laughed myself out of that dream.  That's how much I know here.  I don't really know her.  But I know myself.  And I hate myself.  I absolutely hate myself. 

I spend half my awaken time trying hard to snap myself out of self loathing and wake myself from staring CJ's images in my mind.  When we were playing bowling.  She sat tightly with me sometimes.  My heart almost melted.  I pretend to let other people sit, trying to get out of the situation.  Otherwise I just want to put my arms around her and kiss her.  Nono, what should I do?  I kept saying it's not fair...  I pine for someone, and someone did not feel a thing...  Why am I sad?  I looked around I have everything...  

During the dinner, CJ was teasing Tom, because his girlfriend was going back to China.  CJ mentioned long distance relationship.  Then her sis reminded her, who is doing the long distance relationship.   I reminded myself often about that fact.  I admire that CJ is doing that. 

But I am insanely jealous.  Insanely. 

Monday, March 21, 2016

丟掉一些東西前

我記錄一些隨手寫的文字.  都是很簡單的想法.  然後我可以把這些筆記或著記事本丟了. 


貓咪貓咪小貓咪
喵喵叫想要吃, 想要跳?
一隻坐著大大眼睛望著你
一隻豎著尾巴, 磨磳, 磨磳,
原來是想吃東西. 


--------------------------------------


昨天做了一個夢, 夢中我伸出手去握一個我喜歡的女生的手.  結果突然發現不對.  原來, 東東也睡在被窩裡, 我還真的伸手我握住他的兩隻手, 我突然醒來, 他也被我驚醒兒跳出被窩!  很好笑

三月十一日, 2010

--------------------------------------


方孝孺和唐順之, 一個說豫讓, 三諫不從, 當伏劍而死; 一說信陵和如姬當死於王前; 還要加一個王世貞, 他也是藺相如就死... 

全是明朝的文字... 

------------------------------------



Saturday, March 19, 2016

Some thoughts

deadpool:

This is indeed a very fun movie.  a lot of action, and the protagonist is really flashed out.  the action scene of the high way was very impressive.  the whole thing was very raw, i mean it's takes no side steps, from dirty words to violence.  the love story was the anchor, the revenge was the energy to move the story forward.  i don't particularly like the main actor, but he did a great job here.


------------------

white god:

it's a hungarian movie about dogs, especially mutts.  there're some parts of the story that reminded me of the call of wild.  but it turns out an alright movie.  I liked the ending.   i did not think the dog would want to attack the little girl, that bid came as a surprise to me.    I liked the way conflict raised at the end, and how it was handled. 

i found that in many ways, american movie was more wordy than the rest of the world.  in someway...  don't know why. 

--------------------


聶隱娘

看不懂,看了一半就看不下去了...  首先, 沒有字幕, 實在聽不大懂他們在講啥.  再來, 整部戲靜的可以, 而且所有的演員都不知道在幹嘛... 

------------------


spectre

it was a fun action flick.  the last female character reminded me of eva green's character.  but somehow, i still like eva's better. 


-------------------


steve jobs

with michael fassbender.  the movie was quite alright.  the actor was immense.  i felt he caught the intensity of steve jobs, at least that's what everybody who don't really know him personally would like to think.  

-------------------


I read 3 chapters of great soul of siberia.  the writing is really good.  I liked the story of the monk ignored the bird's nest, and birds ignored the monk, then, the birds flourished. 

-------------------



Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Cooking concept from CI

The concepts are from the science of good cooking, by cook's illustrated.

1.  Gentle Heats prevents overcooking.

 For large roasts, where exterior meat can easily overcook and dry out before the center reaches the target temp. Low heat is the way to go.  It also retains juices in the meat.  But moisture retention has its downside, the interior may look pale.  (see concept 5.)


2. High heats develops flavor

 Maillard reaction(the French scientist Louis-Camille Maillard)


3. Resting heat maximizes juiciness

 Different size of meat, and different method of cooking the meat, will effect the optimal resting time.  The hotter the heat, the more resting time might benefit.


4. Hot food keeps cooking

The size of the the food, and the amount of heat used for cooking matters.   big chunk of heat will retain more energy in the interior, than say a pork chop.  400 degree will put out more heat than 200 degree, thus after the food left the stove, the internal temp will have effect. 


5. Some proteins are best cooked twice

 Stove top cooking, like searing, gives out great heat in one direction, downside, moisture loss; oven cooking is slow but promote even heat, and retain moisture better.  How to combine the two is essential.


6. Slow heating makes meat tender

The internal temperature is not the sole factor for how tender the meat is, but enzyme in meat, (cathepsins) will help break down the meat tissue to make it tender.  But the temperature have to be held below 122 degree F, for long time.  


7. Cook tough cuts beyond well done

 Tough cuts(like pork tenderloin) has little collagens.  By cooking them beyond well down, the collagens will be converted to gelatin, which can hold 10 times of moisture in weight compared to 1 gelatin.  Thus makes meat more tender.


8. Tough cuts like a covered pots

Braising works by long cooking time and low heat.  It changes the texture of the meat so it taste soft and tender, which makes meat seem moist.

9. A covered pot doesn't need liquid

This one is talking about Dry Braising in the oven, with a covered pot.

10. Bones add flavor, fat, and juiciness

Talking about meat cooked with bone-in.

11. Brining maximizes juiciness in lean meats

Brining meat changes it's structure of protein, which makes meat more tender, retain more moisture, and salt penetrate meat deeper.


12. Salt makes meat juicy and skin crisp

Brine meat makes skin hard to be crispy and browned.  So sometimes, dry salted meat provides different perspective.


13. Salty marinades work best

Salt penetrate further than any other marinades ingredients.  Most of the other ingredients could only affect the surface.  One of the best marinades is soy sauce based, because of it's salty contents.


14. Grind meat at home for tender burger

Home ground meat gives us more choice on textures, fat contents, and flavors.  These elements depend on the cut of meat we choose, how fine we want to grind the meat, and how tightly we want to pack our ground meat.  (Cut the cut of meat to pieces, then put in the freezer for 20-30 minutes, then we can grind them in the food processor.  The book recommend the chuck for best ground beef patties, sirloin comes the second, round is the worst.)

15. A panade keeps ground meat tender

In the book, what they called panade, is a mixture of white bread and milk, mashed up together and becomes homogeneous.  Basically, adding starch into the ground beef, along with milk, which contains lactose, which is  sugar and can help browning the beef patties.


16. Create layers for a breading that sticks

The standard procedure for breading the meat(pork chops or chicken breast), (or coating), flour, egg, then bread crumbs still holds true!  The alternative is switch flour to cornstarch, then swap eggs for buttermilk.  Buttermilk can create a lighter coating compared to egg's sometimes hefty presence. 


17. Good frying is all about oil temperature

 Frying at 325 degree  for french fries is recommended.  Frying oil have at least 5 stages, each stage can produce different results.  Five stage of frying oil: break-in(too fresh), fresh, optimum, degrading, and runaway(dark, smelly, and prove to smoking).  The book recommend a mix of 1 used frying oil to 5 fresh frying oil.  Store the frying oil in air tight container in refrigerator,or in a freezer.  Note:  Exposure to air and light hasten the rate of oxidative rancidification and the creation of off flavor and odors.  But by experimenting between storing in dark cardboard, refrigerator, and freezer for two months, the oil from freezer wins hands down!  So cold temperature is also a huge factor in storing frying oil! 


18. Fat makes eggs tender

On making an omelet, frozen cubed butter in eggs can slow down the coagulation of protein in eggs during cooking.  This will result a tender omelet in texture. 


19. Gentle heat guarantees smooth custards

Custards is a mixture of milk, or cream and egg yolk.  It's main use is for dessert.  Because of the different temperatures of coagulation pf egg yolk and white, a low and slow heating for custards becomes necessary.  The book even suggested water bath method, called bain-marie.  Because water's boiling point never exceeds 212 degrees F, plus the moisture, it's a good way to be egg based dessert creamy and smooth on the surface.


20. Starch keeps eggs from curdling

One more way to keep eggs based dessert from curdling.



21. Whippped egg whites need stabilizers

The cream of tartar, an acid, can alter the electric charge on the proteins of the egg whites, in tern reducing the interaction between protein and molecules.  Although this delays the formation of the foam, the result is a much more stable, and hold more water as well.  The other thing for whipped egg whites is the timing of adding sugar.  Adding too early, the foam will be hard to form, adding too late, then there would be little sugar left for sugar to dissolve.


22. Starch helps cheese melt nicely

Used in anything with a cheese sauce, like macaroni and cheese to lasagna.


23. Salting vegetables removes liquid

No explanation needed...


24. Green vegetables like it hot--then cold

To keep the color?  Can be related to Concept 4.


25. All potatoes are not created equal

They tested red bliss, yukon golds, and russets.  Russets has more starch, they can absorb more water, best for mashed potatoes; the red bliss is on the other end of spectrum, easily holds its shape, absorb less water than russets, best for potato salads.  Yukon is right in the middle.  There's also two different kind of starches involved, Russets has more amylose, red bliss more amylopectin.  Yukon again falls in the middle.



26. Potato starches can be controlled

For mashed potatoes, a light and fluffy finish is important.  By gently mashing potatoes by hand, the sticky starch amylose will not be easily released from the granule.  But amylose can be released using food processor, which cut through if not all but most the  granule.

note: vinegar in water helped potato keeping it's shape, baking soda is the opposite.  


27.  Precooking makes vegetables firmer

(Some) vegetables contain an enzyme called pectin methylesterase, which is active between 140 and 160 degree F.  This enzymes caused the pectin in the cell walls to more readily linked with calcium ions, which are already presented in the the vegetable's structure.  This link causes the pectin to become stronger, making vegetable less prone to break down.  The book experiment on carrots using 3 method, the first one is baked 425 degree F in oven uncovered for one hour.  The second one is covered for 15 minutes, uncovered for 45 minutes in 425 degree F.  The third one is using a water bath cooking carrots for 30 minutes first, then 425 degree F oven for 45 minutes.  The first one lost most water, the third one lost the least.  It helped the to preserve the water and thus create a better texture.

(Browning and caramelization, is different.  caramelization is more for vegetable, it's a chemical reaction with sugar in the vegetables.  Browning involved proteins which is also called maillard reaction.)


28. Don't soak beans, brine them.

The skin of the bean would be tough even  after soaking.  Tough skin on the bean would explode during cooking.  The salt in the brine water will replace the magnesium and calcium ions are replaced by sodium, causing the pectin to breakdown, which soften the skin of bean.    When cooking the bean with a little bit of salt, along with brining bean with salt, the bean will come out smooth skinned, and soft.


29.  Baking soda makes grain and bean soft

Alkaline environment can break down pectin wall.  Just don't use too much.


30. Rinsing(not soaking)  makes rice fluffy

Not so sure about this one...


31. Slicing changes onion and garlic flavor

Because it cuts the cell wall and thus release more flavor.



32. Chile heat resides in pith and seeds

Self explanatory.  :p   To preserve fresh chile, brining (1 Tb of salt per cup of water) is the way to go. 


33. Bloom spices to boost their flavor

Blooming is a technique where you take some spices and heat them up in oil to release and amplify the flavor of the spice.  Other ways to boost the flavor is grinding, and toasting(not for black pepper). 


34. Not all herbs are for cooking

 Some herbs are strong enough to be cooked for a long time and still remain in the dish, ex: rosemary, oregano.  Some are more delicate, like basil, parsley,  and cilantro, that quickly dispersed when cooked. 


35. Glutamates, Nucleotides add meaty flavor

Glutamates(谷氨酸鹽)  (Monosodium glutamate).  Some example:  醬油, 豆瓣醬, 味精 cheese, 番茄...

 Nucleotides(核苷酸)

Chicken, Pork, anchovies has certain nucleotides, inosinate, that can amplify the glutamates.  


36. Emulsifiers make smooth sauces

 Emulsifier is something that can combine water and oil.  Examples of Emulsifier, egg yolk, mayonnaise, mustard. 


37. Speed evaporation when cooking wine

Cooking temperature and time, as well as additional ingredient that can absorb liquid, will greatly impact final alcohol content.


38. More water makes chewier bread

The book showed 50%, 68%, and 80% hydration in dough.  The difference is very visible.  80% hydration cannot rise at all.  There're holes, but not rise.  50% hydration has not holes, but holds the shape together like a fist.  68% looks like a normal bread.   Depending on the preference on chewiness, the book made a pizza dough using 90% hydration dough!  (Interesting note:  internal temperature for baking bread is less consequencial than the appearance!)


39. Rest dough to trim kneading time

Full aware of this concept...  This is however, an irreplaceable concept.  The book thinks that adding salt after autolys is a better way to go.  They also experiment on which stage to freeze the dough yields the best result.  The result is between 1st proof and 2nd proof. 


40. Time builds flavor in bread

Time and Temperature, put the bread dough in the refrigerator so it yeast will work longer, slower, produce more flavor.

(side note:  refrigerate maple syrup once it opened.)



41. Gentle folding stops tough quick bread

 Mixing batter or dough leads to gluten formation.  So, depending on the preference, don't mix too much.


42. Two leaveners are often better than one

Baking soda is an alkali, it can interact with an acidic ingredient, eg, buttermilk, produce CO2.  Baking powder will can create bubbles when heated in the oven.  Baking soda also created a more alkaline environment and triggered maillard reaction too.  


43. Layers of butter make flaky pastry

Use techniques like, lamination, or fraisage to make flaky dough.  


44. Vodka makes pie dough easy

The gluten have a hard time to form when alcohol is present.  Vodka works wonder here.  


45. Less protein makes tender cakes, cookies

Watch the protein content for flour.  Making cakes and cookies can use a mix of cake flours and all purpose, no bread flour.


46. Creaming butter helps cakes rise

Creaming butter in cool temperature will help them to hold air.  The room temperature butter will have harder time to hold air.


47. Reverse cream for delicate cakes

Reverse cream is mixing fat and flour together so to prevent gluten formation.  But I need to know more about this method...


48. Sugar changes texture(and sweetness)

White sugar can produce crispy cookies and brown sugar will produce chewy ones.


49. Sugar and time make fruit juicier

Added sugar can draw out juice from fruits, change its texture as well.  I consider this concept weird...  :p  

50. Cocoa powder delivers Big flavor

Cocoa power can give out chocolate flavor not even dark chocolate can deliver.

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

how is grandpa and few other daily encounters

外公想要回蘇州.  這是媽媽上個星期五給我寫的紙條.  所以媽媽一從老年中心回來, 接到佩蘭阿姨的來電, 就趕去舅舅家.  我星期五晚上去了舅舅載了老王去 costco 買麵粉, 然後回到舅舅家.  舅媽就和我說了這件事.  外公趁著舅舅和舅媽在吃早餐, 從房間裡走出來, 說有人故意到我房間裡把東西弄亂, 這擺明就是要我離開這裡!  我要回蘇州!  舅媽說外公在說這些話的時候, 是用國語說的.  舅媽認為這擺明是說給她聽的.  我是同意這種說法的.   後來媽媽也從房間裡出來, 加入談話.  媽媽出來把夾心餅乾調和在牛奶裡.  我後來聽到舅舅怎麼和外公說, 外公不能回蘇州.  舅舅說現在外公太老了, 美國政府不讓他坐飛機了.  外公聽了就不高興, 說這是甚麼話, 我要到警察局去理論去!  後來舅舅又說現在機票太貴了, 要回去的話機票就要三萬元.  舅舅說我現在每個月才賺一千塊, 外公是美國政府提供的六百塊, 要湊三萬元要等到啥時哩?  外公說如果他繼續待在這裡, 他就要癡子症了... 

媽媽說如果外公再繼續想要回蘇州的話, 他就要來寫信.  舅媽說外公只是要 attention 才這樣說的.  舅媽覺得媽媽說的都沒甚麼用, 外公一定不聽的. 

隔天,我又去舅舅家,這次我是去做稅.  媽媽中午給外公做了很好喝的湯, 用大骨頭熬, 又用番茄燉煮.  我也吃了一小碗.  所以我知道.  可是到了一點的時候, 媽媽到樓上來給我看他寫的信.  原來, 他以為外公吃得好好的, 不會再提回蘇州的事了.  但是吃完飯, 外公問媽媽晚上會否在這裡吃飯.  媽媽說他要回家, 晚上舅舅會在.  外公馬上就說, 要再和舅舅說回蘇州的事.  媽媽一聽就寫說, 我們都不希望你回去...(之後我會把信抄錄上來,如果還找得到的話.) 外公也不再說啥了. 

舅舅舅媽和陳瑞紅, 林再榮謝立言,還有胡熒和吃完飯後回來.  媽媽覺得外公不再提回蘇州了, 她做了一件滿不錯的事.  就和舅舅和舅媽提.  舅舅沒說啥.  舅媽卻在一旁不斷說媽媽做得真得是好了.  舅舅和舅媽都讀了這封信, 舅媽說要把它貼起來.  以後外公再提, 就拿出來給他看. 

或許這件事就此謝幕.  但是, 我每次看到這種舅媽和媽媽的交流就感覺心寒.  媽媽似乎總是要別人說好, 舅媽又很會做表面工夫...  我感覺媽媽是知道的, 但是, 她在表面上得到了舅媽得讚許, 又好像很高興...  媽媽寫的都是真實的感受, 而且實實在在的理由.  可是, 舅舅的理由總是迂迴.  媽媽說的, 能得到別人的肯定, 那是多麼好...  我完全贊同, 也深有同感.  可是這情形實在令我覺得難堪. 

外公的物質生活是舅舅他們, 但是, 在心靈上, 外公很依靠媽媽.  實際上, 媽媽煮食啥都想到外公能不能吃.  冷也好, 熱也好, 也都像到外公.  可是又很受不了外公的批評.  我覺得這真是奇怪, 或許也不奇怪... 

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Burnt

I liked the movie.  The kitchen scenes of a high end professional restaurant was really authentic.  It brought the tension out really nicely.  I really liked the fact that it did not use sex scene to express love.  And yet, I can feel tenderness in the air. 

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Boxtrolls

I liked this movie as well.  It's both disgusting and cute!  lol  How do they manage this is in itself something worth watching!  I really liked the movie!  It's like an innocent kid, or a innocent adult as well, using a big paint brush doing a portrait of themselves!  lol 

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我昨天下班時跑到亞倫那兒去要被退的鏡筒.  去的時候實際上還想要一個鏡筒模型的清單.  但是, 亞倫不願意給.  他的用詞裡一直說 "他" 不許我查鏡筒.  這個他不是指亞倫.  所以我就問這個他是誰.  他用說整個流程根本不清楚, 所以基於這個理由他也不願意給.  我當時就為了這給或不給的問題給僵住了.  鏡銅名冊的事也忘了.  最後我說, 就算不給我做, 也得把所有的鏡銅集中在一塊.  大偉也早就在旁邊關注我們的談話.  亞倫後來急著要走了, 就帶我到他放鏡筒的地方.  我後來就把放在倉庫裡的鏡筒拿出來和其他鏡筒放在一起.