What's going on

What is happening:

1. I just finished medical interpreter certificate program.  Passed the exam.  Preparing to get my resume done over the weekend.  And prepare to find other job as well.  Any job will do. 


2. Having temps in the warehouse since early this year.  It's not easy to find a permanent worker from temps...  We have 2 temps, been working close to 3 months now.  They are young and unruly sometimes.  I felt Vic likes them though.  I bet he's lonely and bored these 3 years.  lol  le sigh... 

3.  Just had a quick thought, constantly thinking about work and CJ is maybe a blanket, a disguise to cover the real issue, which I do not want to face and challenge myself.  Being sad was a good excuse to give up.  I am very lonely though...  That loneliness maybe caused by my greed...  Don't go that way now... 

4. I find myself at a constant pickle.  I could not find enough time to finish what I wish to finish at work...  Kept distracted by small things.  Both Jose and Chris, both the temps, mentioned that I would stop communicating at some point, maybe during a conversation, or explaining something...  Did I lose concentration?   I felt I was doing a lot of self correction internally.  How Do I stop that? 

5. I always thought I was not bad at communicating.  But after these 3 years, I found I am really bad at it.  Jumpy is what Harry described me, in terms of reaction.  Stop the conversation mid way through a explanation, that's what Jose was telling me today.  Chris told me communication was the key, a month ago.  Temps might mean half jokingly.  But I consider it's a serious concern.  Internalizing too much.  After the filter, there's not much coming out.  Or what came out is broken, unclear, no connection, make no sense.  Have to let the river f low.  But I want to be proper and accurate. 

6.  I've seen Vic teaching those temps, very thorough, slow, and detailed.  He will state his thought, to the point and repeatedly.  But he did not shy away from tongue lashing either. 

7. Today, I sinked into sofa at 7, went up stairs and watched porn and masturbated once.  The whole time, I was watching myself.  It was a really weird process.  When I went to sofa, I was meant to rest a little.  Although I did not have a clear goal of what's to do next.  Then I started to read manga, until 830.  Then somehow I felt horny...  le sigh.  I want to let this feeling subside, watched clips, and release.  Right after the action, I regretted.  But what is there I could do?  My question is why did I not rest as I intended?  I consider that a key question.  Rest, pal... The more I sat idly without rest, the restless I would become. 

8. I want to learn to love.  I do not want to be sad.  When I think of 榕, I felt sad.  When I talked to her, I almost always express my concern of her well being.  I do worry.  But I want to my presence or my memory to be a happy one, which could bring smile on her face.  If there's a memory to start with.  I want to love, not sad. 

9. From now on, if I was on sofa, I sleep.  Or anything with a time limit.  Otherwise, like reading, watching youtube, using computer, etc, doing them in front of my desk or dining table. 

10.  Write a personal work list when I enter Warehouse.  Finished them is my priority, not whatever I wrote on the white board. 

11.  Construct a letter through out the working house in Warehouse, addressed to my mother, or Noz, or whatever.  Find topic to talk.  Practice.  I need to learn to talk. 

12.