After bowling

I went to bowling with company colleagues last Friday.  It was great.  But it was horrible over the weekend.  My heart was completely stocked with CJ's images.  I was crying on the way home from bowling.  Right at the end of the game, my heart sank.  I can't remember how many times I cried because my head just filled with her images. 

CJ was very good at bowling.  I know she liked it, that's why I called for it at the end of last year.  But I was horrible at arranging outings like this, it takes Da Wei to make the outing come true.  And at  last, I finally saw her in action...

We went to Lao Xi An for dinner.   Me, Tom, Tom's girl friend(Liu Wen), George went to pick CJ's cousin and cousin's boy friend with CJ.  It was always a riot with CJ and George.  CJ's sister(cousin) had a shining eyes.  They both wore, black pants, and white tops.  CJ looked good.

We arrived at bowling at 7.  We played until 9ish.  My mind just go blank, when I want to write this stuff down....



I want to tell her that I like her...really really really like her, really.!  I can't contain with myself.  I cried a second time on Sunday while doing laundry.  I really wish to hug her and give her a big kiss.  But what's the difference between that and how I treat my cat?  My sister asked me then what?  I still can't answer.  It made me look at myself more closely?  No!  I already told my sis, I will not make a move.  I constantly tell myself that CJ and I are way different.  I am just lonely.  She like a life which I can't provide.  I even once dreamed a dream that she was buying a band name bag, I laughed myself out of that dream.  That's how much I know here.  I don't really know her.  But I know myself.  And I hate myself.  I absolutely hate myself. 

I spend half my awaken time trying hard to snap myself out of self loathing and wake myself from staring CJ's images in my mind.  When we were playing bowling.  She sat tightly with me sometimes.  My heart almost melted.  I pretend to let other people sit, trying to get out of the situation.  Otherwise I just want to put my arms around her and kiss her.  Nono, what should I do?  I kept saying it's not fair...  I pine for someone, and someone did not feel a thing...  Why am I sad?  I looked around I have everything...  

During the dinner, CJ was teasing Tom, because his girlfriend was going back to China.  CJ mentioned long distance relationship.  Then her sis reminded her, who is doing the long distance relationship.   I reminded myself often about that fact.  I admire that CJ is doing that. 

But I am insanely jealous.  Insanely.