詩鈔

 Dulce et Decorum Est

by Wilfred Owen

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,

Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,

Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs,

And towards our distant rest began to trudge.

Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,

But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;

Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots

Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!—An ecstasy of fumbling

Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,

But someone still was yelling out and stumbling

And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime.—

Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,

As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight,

He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace

Behind the wagon that we flung him in,

And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,

His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;

If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood

Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,

Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud

Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,—

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest

To children ardent for some desperate glory,

The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est

Pro patria mori.

Notes:

Latin phrase is from the Roman poet Horace: “It is sweet and fitting to die for one’s country.”

N/a

Source: Poems (Viking Press, 1921)

(source: Poetryfoundation.rog)

一個英國士兵在一戰時寫給母親的信上， 寫下了這首詩。  時間大概是一九一七年。  他看到他的戰友因為來不及戴上防毒面具後的悲慘情景。  

一戰後，歐洲很多皇室都垮了。  當時有些人認為一戰的興起都是因為這些國王的之間私仇，導致一次世界大戰。  但是， 到了第二次世界大戰呢？  民主後的國家，再次造成大戰。  這似乎不是民主或不民主的問題，也不是專制和民主的對抗。  而是像老鼠生得太多後，就會自相殘殺？    我記得我看過一個十九世紀末的文章，文章裡提到當時的歐洲國家都在計算自身的人口，作為廟算的權衡。  

Dulce et decorum est

Pro patria mori.

是一戰前很有名的一句詩，是一句古代羅馬詩人 Horace 的詩， 意思是為國家而死是甜蜜而且適當的。  詩人在一九一七年寫這封信的對象是母親，但是這首詩實在是回應戰前一批鼓勵國人上戰場的一群人裡的一位女詩人。  

我現在看到一戰的情景正在上映。  烏森不斷說中共要打台灣， 而俄烏戰爭也已開打。  烏森從 08 年前後就已經展開他對中共的包圍。  這個包圍到現在已經很緊緊了。  另外， 中共在 2000年只以幾十艘戰船。  現在有三百五十艘以上。  這個情況也讓我替台灣捏一把冷汗。  無論是兩岸哪一個領導人， 請看看敘利亞，看看烏克蘭。  和平共存救中國。  永遠不要忘記 季梁的諫語。  

回台紀錄

 我想大概是 民國一百年還是九九，或九八年， 和我母親回台灣。  外公也從大陸回台。

星期一： 媽看病，下午桃園機場接外公， 外公與媽和任公公任婆婆在永康街高紀吃飯。  我和明秀阿姨吃飯拿藥。 

星期二： 去張華權公公家， 去郵局， 去台灣銀行， 去吃飯， 毛婆婆家， 第一銀行， 菸酒更賣局， 南門市場樓上戶政事務所， 隆記。

星期三： 蔡公公，蔡婆婆 Ikari 喝茶喝咖啡， 並吃午飯， 合作金庫中崙分行， 晚飯吃鰻魚丼(添財)

星期四： 大安區公所， BEA 證劵市， 新店上海商業， 王麗請客。  

星期五： 合作金庫中崙， 南昌街里長， 中飯天然臺，旅館， 新店拿藥罐， 晚餐銀翼

星期六： 自由活動， 找西瓜， 洗衣店洗衣服， 添財烤香魚

書鈔 。一點點感想

 From book, What are you going through by SigridNunez

"Everything that a writer writes could just as easily have been different - but not until it's been written.  As a life could have been different, but not until it's been lived.  "

--- The Condition of Secrecy, by Inger Christensen, Trans. Susanna Nied

剛看完這本書。  很喜歡上面的句子，所以抄錄下來。  

這本書和作者上本書的風格很類似。  都像是在和讀者聊天。  很容易閱讀。  但我仍在書裡幾個地方迷路。  不確定發生了甚麼事。  畢竟， 我不是一個文學的讀者。  我看完後，有點不確定自己到底是什麼感覺。  和上一本不同， 那本給我的衝擊是很大的， 之後的感覺依然是很強烈的。  強烈到， 我現在又去讀了本同一個作者寫的書。  混沌的感覺似乎是說明這本書沒有上一本好。  雖說我的感覺有點混沌， 但是也有好處， 書不長。  即使不喜歡，也無所謂，因為不佔太多時間。 

不過我覺得我需要醞釀一下， 因為雖是小說， 裡面的故事不少，有主軸，也有許多軼聞。  這次還是以自殺為主軸，以家庭人生環繞其外。  另外， 和上一本一樣， 有許多讓我發笑的地方。  這種笑，我還滿喜歡的。  每個人都有荒謬的想法， 作者寫出來的態度是自然的。  並不是特意要寫一個笑話。  最後， 雖說是小說，裡面所提到的故事都很真實，我感覺都真的是作者旁邊曾發生的事情和認識的人。  我覺得每本書都像是 pulled everything from her own bosom.  

這本書也提到文學的目的。  書裡提到一位作者 (WilliamFaulkner) 在諾貝爾獎的一個演說：「現代很多作者寫的書都是寫給內分泌的， 可是真正的文學應該是為了心而寫。」  (He writes not of the heart but of the glands.)  書裡的的最後三句話中間的一句也來自 Faulkner 同一個演講稿：

"I have tried.

Love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice ---

What does it matter if I failed."

我實在不能說我讀懂了這本書， 因為他裡面提到的人事物， 有很多我都不知道。  也許這就是我感覺渾沌的原因。  但就像他上一本書一樣， 裡面也有很多我不知道的人事物。  可是 the friend 給我的震撼始終都在。  剛看完時的震撼多半有不少內分泌的成分， 但是現在又去找他的書看， 是否也有心靈上的原因？ 

小龍蝦電影 觀後感

 和書比起來，我覺得電影比較好。  電影其實是緊緊跟著原著走。  而且, 畢竟是電影，有不少地方還是書比較仔細。  那為什麼我覺得電影比較好呢？  

我不熟悉小說裡的場景，電影裡可以看到。  我很喜歡。  小說裡，我最喜歡的地方就是有關自然的地方。  原著的作者自身一定也是對自然很有感情的人， 在電影， 我覺得他們也滿用力拍攝的。  我覺得雖然還可以在自然環境上做更多的著墨， 但實際的情況已經是不錯了。  

人物的著墨在電影裡也都呈現出來，尤其是我喜歡的地方， 雜貨店夫婦， 男朋友父子間的感情。  即使是那個律師，我也很喜歡。  另外，我覺得電影裡的第一段的戀情，也讓我更有感覺。  我只是希望， 他們可以用書裡的年紀，電影大概為了觀眾， 把第一段的戀情年紀調高了。  

他們選的演員我也喜歡。  至少在我眼裡，都不是我熟悉的演員。  大概都是新生代， 但我還是覺得還蠻符合各自的角色。  

算是一個中規中矩的電影。  我覺得還可以，至少不感覺浪費時間。  而且有實際的人性經驗。  

The trees and plants I saw today

 I don't know their names.  

There's a bush by the road between me and my neighbor.  It is blooming crazy.  I think it was the day before yesterday, I noticed there're tons of bees flying around the bush, honey bees, bumble bees and other bees and flies.  

But when I stepped out after dinner, around 630pm today, the bush was swarmed by crazy flies, or wild bees, not honey bees or bumble bees, just something.  They were flying crazy.  However, strange as is, stranger is that they just fly around the bush, nothing on the blooming flowers!!  You can hear the buzzing, but no fly or wild bees stepped on the flower and suck the honey??  And why is there no honey bees or bumble bees?   There are a lot of honey and bumble bees when my crap apple tree was flowering just a week ago...  

Then I noticed something horrible.  There're a lot of aphids on the bush!!  But the bush would look withered when there're lots of aphids!  The bush looked great.  The only thing I could think of is that aphids just found the bush?  So weird...  And is it the reason why flies and bees do not want to land on the flowers??  

-------------------------------------------------

I was walking around, I never noticed so many trees dying.  I mean it's quite deep into the spring time.  Maybe I just started notice the dying and dead tree in spring time?  So many of them are dying or dead.  Pine trees are particularly noticeable.  Some trees grow leaves, but I can see the thinning of leaves on the branches.  And for some reason, also noted by my mother in the past months, some new leaves looked yellow, not the usual spring young yellow, but almost fall like.  

It's a very scary sight...  

--------------------------------------------------

上個月的某一個晚上

 上個月的某一個晚上，那時天暗的早。  我上樓時屋子已全黑了， 照慣例， 我只打開了桌上的一盞燈， 然後坐在桌前看電腦。  突然聽到窗外有 嗚嗚聲傳來。  我感覺有一種熟習的感覺。  心裡一閃， 趕忙把筆電蓋上， 但是已經來不及。   我抬頭看窗外的時候， 有一個巨大的影子飛過窗外！  天哪， 是一隻鴞！！    我心裡的興奮是不能言喻的。  記得去年底才跟自己說， 看過一些書裡提到麻州也有鴞，但是自己從來沒看過！  這次居然能在自家後院聽到，還看到飛翔的影子!

  真是太高興了。  

Random

 I am tired.  No, scrap that.  I am still standing on the same spot for the last 20 years.  

But no man can stand at one place forever.  People around me are changing, and so do I.  Standing on the same spot is true, but like at a spot on a conveyor belt.  

I am sad.  That's a given.  

I am alone.  I hope it's an illusion.  

I am trying to write something.  It seems I have nothing to say.  But I know there's a lot of noise, that I am carefully selecting which one to come out.  Even only I read this, I am still very cautious.  

I used to read somewhere that boring people keeps his eyes on news.  I am like that now.  It's either news, weather, yT, fB, or IG, NBAor P.  I used to frequent a lot of video game content, but since I learned it cost considerable electricity, I stopped it, along with all VG content.  Now if I got nothing to do, I frequent news.  But alas, there's no news.  Just rehashed, dramatized repetition.  

I have a place to play PPingpong now.  Every thursday at seniorcenter.  It's the only regular exercise I do these days.  

When I was at Mascon, I was impressed that Vic did a lot of project of his own after work.  And I told my mom about this.  then I said, how come they all have their things to do but not me.  after all these years, I learned that the problem is myself.  When I am alone, no work, no plan, I would immediately get anxious.  So I will grab anything to fill the void.  First, it's books, then it's movies.  There was video games.  but like my mom said, all those activities do not make me grow.  For I did not learn anything from reading books.  I did not do, and still do not.  My excuse is always this: I need a concrete plan before I act.  But through these years of many jobs, I learned one thing, a lot of business are merely trials and errors, and grit and grind it for a long time, and luck not to fail the first year.  Although I still say, a plan is still needed.  But without taking the first step, I can't even plan.  

My mother kept telling me her own experience after my father past away almost 30 years ago.  She said she suddenly felt utterly alone.  And she's still alone nowadays.  I know I am scared, but I keep wondering if I am really depressed.  Yeah, I am still trying to find excuses.  I said she's alone, because I am far away from doing what I am supposed to do.  I now know that both my mom and my sister look at things far better and clearer than I am.  I thought if I could hold on a job, I am not disabled.  But I have to agree with them now, I am disabled.  

I am feeling very inadequate, frustrated, dejected, depressed, and anger is building up.  My mom does not need me to take care of her, maybe now a little.  but that's really is due to her deterioration through years of not enough social contact, which she really craves.  And I, I now realize, more than half of the time is depressed.  I don't contact people, when I do, it's not working.  How do I know I am depressed?  Half of my waking hours are used to watch funny clips of past shows.  All of them are comedy.  I can immediately tell you it's a sign of depression, plus no social contact.  Nada, zip.  I was working whole day today.  and yet, I talk to people no more than 10 sentences.  When I got home, I went for a walk, back to have dinner, then lying on bed watch funny clips.  My mom was alone down stairs.  Later, right before her bed time, she came up so I said let's go watch some yT downstairs.  We did not watch much.  There's nothing on it interesting.  

When I was younger, my mom led my sis and I through a lot of activities.  She talked to me when I was frustrated, when I was frustrated, I don't talk.  She tried to lead.  Even now, she still try.  But I came out empty.  I am at a spot on a conveyor belt, and so was my brain. 

擺上來等著哪天看看(在巨流河裡聽到的)

〈魚〉（上） ╱ 黃春明

　　　「阿公，你叫我回來時帶一條魚，我帶回來了，是一條鰹仔魚哪！」阿蒼蹬著一部破舊的腳踏車，一出小鎮，禁不住滿懷的歡喜，竟自言自語地叫起來。

　　二十八吋的大車子，本來就不是像阿蒼這樣的小孩騎的。開始時，他曾想把右腿跨過三角架來騎。但是，他總覺得他不應該再這樣騎車子。他想他已經不小了。

　　阿蒼騎在車上，屁股不得不左右滑上滑下。包在野芋葉裏的熟鰹仔，掛在車把上，跟著車身搖晃得相當厲害。阿蒼知道，這條鏗仔魚帶回山上，祖父和弟弟妹妹將是多麼高興。同時他們知道他學會了騎車子，也一定驚奇。再說，騎車子回到埤頭的山腳，來回又可以省下十二塊的車錢。這就是阿蒼苦苦地求木匠，把擱在庫間不用的破車，借他回家的原因。

　　沿路，什麼都不在阿蒼的腦裏，連破車子各部份所發出來的交響也一樣。他祇是一味地想盡快把魚帶給祖父。他想一見到祖父，他將魚提得高高地說。「怎麼樣？我的記憶不壞吧。我帶一條魚回來了！」

　　 　「阿蒼，下次回家來的時候，最好能帶一條魚回來。住在山上想吃海魚真不便，帶大一點的魚更好。」

　　「下次回來，那不知道要在什麼時候？」

　　他們默默地繞過那條彎路。

　　「你到哪裏？」

　　「沒有啊。我送你到山腳。」

　　「不用啦。我自己會小心。下次回來，我一定帶一條魚。」

　　「那最好。不過沒有也就算了。有時候遇到壞天氣，討海人不出海，你有錢也沒魚吃。」

　　「希望不會遇到壞天氣。」

　　阿蒼不在意地眼望著山坡。他看到羊群在相思林裏吃草。

　　「我們的羊怎麼樣？」

　　「喔！我們的羊真好。」

　　「我想我們多養幾隻羊，以後換一套木匠的工具。」阿蒼隨手在路邊抽了一根菅。

　　「小心你的手。菅是會割傷手的。」老人忙著轉過話來：「你要木匠的工具了？」

　　「哼！」小孩子說：「我不但會釘桌子。櫥子、門扇、眼床、木箱我都釘過。」

　　老人愉快地說：

　　「好！我多養幾隻羊讓你換一套工具。」

　　「什麼時候？」

　　「不要急。阿公馬上就做。我用兩隻公羊去和山腳他們換一隻母羊，就可以開始了。」

　　「要快一點。我快做木匠啦！」

　　「所以啊！」老人愛憐地說：「目前什麼苦你都得忍耐。知道嗎？」

　　過了相思林，他們都看到遠處的埤頭停車牌子。他們沉默下來了。當他們真正踏到平地時，老人說：

　　「吃得飽嗎？」

　　「─────」

　　「他們打你嗎？」

　　「─────」

　　「怎麼了？不說話？」

　　小孩子低著頭飲泣著。

　　「不要哭了。要做木匠的人還哭什麼？」

　　小孩子搖搖頭，用手把眼淚揮掉，「我沒哭。」但是他還是不敢把頭抬起來。

　　「阿公，你回去啦。」

　　「好！我就回去，我站在這裏休息一下。你快點到車牌那裏等車。」

　　小孩走了幾步，被老人喊住了。

　　「你過來一下。」老人自己也走近小孩：「有一次阿公擔了幾十斤山芋到街上賣了錢。我就到市場想買一條魚給你們吃。車子來了沒有？」

　　「還沒。」

　　「車子來了你就告訴我。你知道，魚是比一般的菜都貴的。那一天。我在賣魚的攤位前，不知道繞了幾十趟，後來那些賣魚的魚販也懶得再招呼我了。但是，我還是轉來轉去，拿不定主意。你知道我為什麼？」

　　「想偷一條。」

　　「胡說！」老人把腰挺起來：「那才不應該。這種事千萬做不得。我死也寧可餓死！」他又彎下腰對小孩說：「因為魚很貴，並且賣魚的魚販子，不是搶人的秤頭。就是加斤加兩的。阿公又不懂得算，才問他他魚一斤多少錢，他們一手就抓起魚用很粗很溼的鹹草穿起來秤。你要注意車子喔！來了就告訴我。」

　　「還沒有來。」

　　「所以我不斷繞魚攤，一方面看魚，一方面看哪一個魚販的臉老實。最後我在一個賣鰹仔魚的攤位前停下來，向那個賣魚的女魚販子挑了一條鏗仔魚。我還一而再、再而三地說，要她秤得夠，千萬不要欺騙老人。她還口口聲聲叫我放心，結果買了一條三斤重的鰹仔魚，回到家一秤，竟相差一斤半！」老人的眉頭皺得很深：

　　「一擔山芋的錢，才差不多是一條三斤重的鰹仔魚的錢‥‥‥。」

　　「車子來啦！我聽到車子的聲音。」

　　因為把腰哈得太久，老人好不容易才把腰挺直起來，跟著小孩向路的一端望車子。

　　「只聽到聲音，那沒關係。」

　　「說不定是林場的車子。」小孩興奮地說。

　　「那更好。不就可以搭便車了嗎？」停了一下。「等一等，我說到哪裏了？」

　　「你說一擔山芋的錢，差不多是一條三斤重的鰹仔魚的錢。」

　　「你都聽進去了？」

　　小孩點點頭。

　　「那簡直是搶了我一擔的山芋，害得我回來心痛好幾天。說老實話，我一直到現在還不敢走進市場的魚攤哪！」老人長長地嘆了一口氣。「唉！山上的人想吃海魚真不便‥‥‥」

　　「車來了。

　　老人瞇著眼望著。

　　「在那裡，灰塵揚得很高的地方。」

　　「大概是車子來了。好吧，你快點過去。阿公不再送你了。我就站在這裡休息一下。」

　　「我走了。」

　　「阿蒼，不要忘了‥‥‥。」

　　「帶一條魚回來。」小孩接下去說。

　　老人和小孩都笑了。

〈魚〉（下） ╱ 黃春明

　　「阿公，我沒忘記。我帶條魚回來了。是一條鏗仔魚哪！」阿蒼一再地把一種類似勝利的喜悅，在心裏頭反覆地自言自語。一路上，他想像到弟弟和妹妹見了鏗仔魚時的大眼睛，還想像到老人伸手夾魚的筷子尖的顫抖。「阿公，再過兩個月我就是木匠啦！」。

　　卡啦！「該死的鏈子。」阿蒼又跳下車子，把脫落的鏈子安在齒輪上，再用手搖一隻踏板，鏈子又上軌了。從沿途不停地掉鏈子的經驗，阿蒼知道不能踏得太快，但是他總是忘記。當阿蒼拍拍油污和鐵銹的手，想上車的時候，他突然發現魚掉了。掛在把軸上的，只剩下空空的野芋葉子。阿蒼急忙地返頭，在兩公里外的路上，終於發現被卡車輾壓在泥地上的一張糊了的魚的圖案。

　　懊喪的阿蒼，被這偶發事件，折磨了兩個多小時，他已不想再哭了。回到山上，遠遠就看到祖父蹲在門口，用竹青編竹具。他沒有勇氣喊阿公了。他悄悄地走近老人。老人猛一抬頭：「呀！你什麼時候回來的？」

　　「剛剛到。」說著就走進屋子裏面。

　　老人放下手上的東西，想跟到裏面。但是從他想站起來到他伸直腰，還有一段夠他說幾句話的時間。

　　「阿蒼，你回來時在山邊看到我們的羊沒有？」老人沒聽到他的回答。「就在茅草那裏，你弟弟和妹妹都在那裏看羊。我替你辦到了，你就快要有一套木匠的工具啦！」。

　　阿蒼在裏面聽了這話，反而心裏更覺得難過。

　　「阿蒼，你聽到了我講什麼嗎？」他一面說，一面走了進去。他還是沒聽到阿蒼的回答。「你到底怎麼了？像新娘子一樣，一進門就躲在裏面。」他到臥房，到工具間，再轉進廚房才看到阿蒼把整個頭都埋在水瓢裏咕嚕咕嚕地喝水。

　　「噢！在這裏。帶魚回來了沒有？」

　　阿蒼還在喝水。

　　「我幾天天氣不好，市場上不會有魚的。」老人明知道這幾天的天氣很好。「不能以我們這裏的天氣為憑準。海上的天氣最多變了。」

　　阿蒼故意把臉弄溼。他想，這樣子祖父就不知道他哭了。他把溼溼的臉抬起來說。

　　「有魚的！」

　　「魚呢？」

　　「我買回來了。是一條鰹仔魚。」

　　「在那裏？」老人眼睛搜索著廚房四周。

　　「掉了！」

　　「掉了？」

　　「掉了！」阿蒼不敢看老人的臉，又把頭埋在水瓢裏。他實在不想再喝水了，一點也不。

　　「這‥‥‥這怎麼可能呢？」老人覺得太可惜了。

　　以前買鰹仔魚被搶了秤頭的那陣疼痛又發作起來。

　　但是阿蒼沒了解老人的意思。他馬上辯解著說：「真的！我沒有騙你。我掛在腳踏車上掉的。」

　　「腳踏車？」

　　「是的，我會騎腳踏車了！」阿蒼等著看老人家為他高興。

　　「車呢？」

　　「寄在山腳店仔。」

　　「掛在車上掉的？」老人一個字一個字說得很慢很清楚。

　　阿蒼完全失望了。

　　「我真的買了一條鰹仔魚回來，它掉在路上被卡車壓糊了。」

　　「那不是等於沒買回來？」

　　「不！我買回來了！」很大聲地說。

　　「是！買回來了。但是掉了對不對？」

　　阿蒼很不高興祖父變得那麼不在乎的樣子。

　　「我真的買回來了。」小孩變得很氣惱。

　　「我已經知道你買回來了。」

　　「我沒有騙你！我絕對沒騙你！我發誓。」阿蒼哭了。

　　「我知道你沒有騙阿公，你向來不騙阿公的。只是魚掉在路上。」他安慰著。

　　「不！你不知道。你以為我在騙你‥‥‥。」阿蒼抽噎著。

　　「以後買回來不就好了嗎？」

　　「今天我已經買回來了！」

　　「我相信你今天買魚回來了，你還哭什麼？真傻。」

　　「但是我沒拿魚回來‥‥‥」。

　　「魚掉了。被卡車壓糊了，對不對？」

　　「不！你不知道，你不知道。你以為我在騙你‥‥‥。」

　　「阿公完全相信你的話。」

　　「我不相信。」

　　「那麼你到底要我怎麼說？」老人實在煩不過了，他無可奈何地攤開手。

　　「我不要你相信，我不要你相信‥‥。」阿蒼一邊嚷，一邊把拿在手裏的葫蘆水瓢摜在地上，像小牛一般地哭起來。

　　老人被他這樣子纏得一時發了無名火，隨手在門後抓到挑水的扁擔，一棒就打了過去。阿蒼的肩膀著實地挨了一記，趕快奪門跑了出去，老人緊跟在後追。

　　阿蒼跑過茶園，老人跟著跑過茶園。阿蒼跑到刺竹叢那裏，急忙地往五六尺深的坎，跳到回家來的山路上。老人跟到刺竹坎上停下來了。阿蒼回頭看到老人停下來，他也停下來。他們之間已經接了一段很遠的距離。

　　老人一手握著扁擔，一手搭在竹上，喘著氣大聲地叫。

　　「你不要再踏進門。我一棒就打死你！」

　　阿蒼馬上嘶著嗓門接著喊了過來：

　　「我真的買魚回來了。」

　　傍晚，山間很靜。這時，老人和小孩瞬間裏都怔了一怔。因為他們都同時很清楚地聽到山谷那邊回音說：

　　「──真的買魚回來了。」

random

 Random.  

Afterthoughts

my process  of searching for  jobs:

go to email, then explore indeed, No, i am not qualified.  No, I am no qualified.  No I don't want to do that.  Ummm...I need to write a cover letter?  Okay, next time then.  

or, maybe I should go to school...  

--------------

everythingeverywhereallatonce

 Saw the movie, in 2 separate occasions.   I could not finished it the first time.  After I heard ML said its her favorite film which I guessed when I saw the movie the first time, I went and borrowed it from library.  I thought maybe when I watched the second time, it would be better.  Not really that much better...  

So now, I ask myself. why does it not appeal to me.  One of the most unappealing thing is I've already guessed the ending after 1/3 way.  And after I borrowed the movie the second go around, I was quite upset.  Why do I get upset about knowing the ending?  I liked King Kong w/ Naomi in it which I knew the ending.  

Let's get a few things out of the way.  I feel the movie is really funny at time.  That comical side really came from how weird the whole setup is.  It has a rawness that similar to many Asian movies.  Where the concept of taboo became unhinged.  And you can pretty much see fusion of styles, cultures, thoughts blended together, doesn't matter if it's seamlessly tailored.  It's a bravado display.  That wackiness is the source of the comedy.  And the action.  It was a very good blend of fighting and special effect.  Make the comedy come alive even more.  

I feel the movie is incredible in portraying an Asian family in US.  Incredible in a way that I feel somehow familiar, not because I experienced it.  But through many stories that I heard.  Maybe it's cliché, but the performance of MY and KHQ is so good.  I agree with theOscar.  when I saw KHQ's character's first transformation, I was immediately impressed!  For MY, my impression of her is always an action star.  Her acting in Crouching T and Hidden D was eye opening.  But here, I am very impressed.  

Additionally, I think the movie must've made under a cheap budget.  And I believe it's an incredible editing work that to propel the multiverse concept.  I am really amazed of how it worked out.  Just to think you can blend hot dog sex, raccoon chef, movie star, laundry owner, and a bagel together to make a multiverse, you have to appreciate the work they put into making this movie.  

 But for all these elements, I still don't like the movie.  I think it's must be because I don't like the ending.  A lesbian or gay Asian theme is so very much cliché.  The everything all worked out fine, another Asian cliché.  A parents and their descendants all understanding and love each other is another one.  It's just that there's a lot of noises and pictures, a great commotions, but the ending is just that.  I've always put a moved in my favorite list by the feeling it lingered afterwards.  I feel like I kept feeling cliché flattens my feeling for the movie.   

這頭好豬豬

 我昨天看完 The good good pig， 作者 SyMontgomery.   

最近剛看完幾本都是有關動物的書，不知怎地又想到 Sy 的書。  他的文筆十分流暢，很容易讀。  我用讀書館的 App，所以一下子借了三本他的書。   

我很喜歡這本書。  這是一本回憶錄。  不僅僅是回憶這頭叫做 Christopher Hogwood 的豬，也是作者對於自身的回憶。  他甚至對自己的父母，家族，丈夫，朋友都做了許多詳實的描述。  回顧我之前看了 HisforHawk 和 BookofEEL，我發現這本書也有異曲同工之處。  就是借了作者描寫深深眷戀的豬，他同一時間裡還抒發了自己對父母的的愛。  因為就在他開始養豬到這隻豬死去前不久，整個十四年的歲月裡， 他的父母也雙雙過世。  我之前看過這兩本作者的書， 這是我看過他發表最多個人生活和感想的書。  這本書有時候甚至偏鋒轉至他個人的感想和他的父母身上，久久不能離去。  他的友朋和鄰居更是在書裡搶了很多版面， 因為那在他來說也是他的家人。  這些並不阻礙他對這隻豬的感情的流露。  

這隻豬並不會甚麼特技，跳鋼圈走鋼索甚麼的。  但是，作者在描述的是一頭個性溫順，有點聰明懂事，有時善解人意，有時自有主張。  這隻豬活了十四年， 期間他幾乎可說是這個鎮餵飽了他一樣。  一方面作者和鎮上很多很多人是好朋友，另一方面，這隻豬太聰明，會偷偷到鎮上走走，他又不會傷人，很友善。  於是乎，整個鎮上的人都知道他， 大家也都把廚餘，甚至自己的食物留下來，集中起來，英文叫做 Slop， 存好後交給作者去餵豬。  這隻豬後來長到 750 英鎊。  作者自己也因為這隻豬和許多意想不到的人做了好朋友，他一輩子都沒有孩子， 但是因為小孩子喜歡這隻豬，而因此結識了許多小朋友。  他所描述的更多的是這隻豬的個性。  

我看到最後他的豬過世時，我是非常難過的。  非常非常難過的。  

A poem I saw today.

 When I Am Among the Trees

by Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,

especially the willows and the honey locust,

equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,

they give off such hints of gladness.

I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,

in which I have goodness, and discernment,

and never hurry through the world

but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves

and call out, “Stay awhile.”

The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,

“and you too have come

into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled

with light, and to shine.”

movie afterthough

 watced liamNeeson's memory.  

disappointed, the first half was not bad, but the second half, too long in the tooth.  

And it's sad that memory was supposed to be an effective element, I was thrilled by anticipating how they are going to use memory.  Then they did not, completely forsake the idea.  Too many characters, too many angles, fail.  

string bean garlic

 my mom liked this way.  not greasy.  

drizzle of oil, very moderate.  

garlic finely chopped, the finer the better.  

low heat with oil in pan, until fragrant.  

toss in the string beans, don't over crowd the pan

medium heat, watch the garlic, when it sticks to the pan, add little water and stir

 until water evaporated, add water, or cooking wine, and stir, until string bean is done

during the previous steps, add salt and pepper or other flavor

the doneness is depended on people's preference.  

ate with the lamb rack, very good.

  

lamb rack roasting

 inside temperature:  145F.  

pan searing is so that extra fat can be squeezed.  but this time, I just broil in high after roasting until the inside temperature reaches 145F.  I broiled for 3 min, a bit too much.  

marinate sauce: garlic, rosemary, parsley, red pepper flakes, cumin, salt and pepper, combined with oil

no need to marinate over night, I just pat the rack dry, cut in diamond shape, and marinate while waiting for the oven to preheat.  

oven temp, 375F.  30 min. test the temperature for 145F  

after roasting, gotta wait a little, about 10 to 15 min., before serving

ate with string bean, very good

Book oEels by PatrikSvensson 讀後感

我剛看完 Book of Eels 這本書。  這書在圖書館架子上已經一兩年了。  我總是注意到它，但是總是沒有借閱。  我有點不瞭解， 鰻魚有啥好知道的。  當然另一方面， 除了日本鰻魚飯和中國傳統市場，我對鰻魚一點也不熟悉。  直到我看到幾部老肉介紹鰻魚的 youtube 影片。  我才知道鰻魚快絕種了！  因此終於我借了這本書。  

我看完一本書後喜歡上網讀讀別人的讀後感或者評論。  我在 goodreads 網站上看到的第一個評論讓我哈哈大笑。  這位讀者寫了一篇很長很長的評論。  基本上是說這書不怎麼樣，而且應該改書名，改成 【和爸爸釣鰻魚】。  我有點同意他說的這一點。  這位讀者是一位素食者， 他對釣魚這一活動很反感， 所以當書裡提到鰻魚業者說只有繼續保持歐洲傳統鰻魚業的存在， 人類才會持續對鰻魚這物種感興趣，這句話使這讀者感覺作嘔。  他用他自己做例子， 當他看到題目的時候就很感興趣， 因為他本身對鰻魚也是一點都不了解。  而這， 不過是證明鰻魚業者的話站不住腳。  我記得當我讀到那句話時，我也有點怪怪的。  我覺得那鰻魚業者提到的就是經濟價值， 使人真正去和他周遭的環境交流，是一句實在話。  但是也很可悲， 因為當我們為了其他目的(ulterior motive)來做一件事， 而不是為了事情本身， 總是令我難過。  譬如說， 我們養豬是為了吃， 而不是因為喜歡豬，這個生物，這個個體。  

我也同意另一人說這和 H is for Hawk 有相似的地方。   就像 H is for Hawk 是藉著馴蒼鷹的過程使自己從父喪的哀痛中走出來, 這本書的作者是藉著鰻魚來闡述他對父親過世後的懷念。  他從小和父親在一條家旁的小河釣鰻魚，從這裡開始，作者夾敘夾議，介紹了鰻魚從雅里士多德到現代的研究過程。  我每每驚嘆於歐美作者在敘述科學的書本裡，那種娓娓道來，可以把一長河的歷史，從涓滴細流到滾滾大江式的描繪出來。  雖說他們文章裡也總有一個很巨大的斷層， 就是 中世紀(medieval period)， 有點像現在大陸學者的論述裡也總會有一個斷崖式的論述，尤其是文革。 

我有幾段文字我印象特別深刻。  Aristotle， Johannes Schmidt， Rachel Carson， 他和他爸爸憶起釣魚的經過也有不少。  這書其實滿薄的，但是作者寫出的句子和其堆砌出來的文章都簡潔清楚，充滿感情。  尤其是結尾，雖說我在大致上三分之二時，就一直在腦袋裡浮現了 Big Fish 的結局。  但是這並不減少結尾所留下的熨帖。 

我很喜歡他寫 Rachel Carson 的那一段，因為我不只一次的嘗試看 Under the sea wind, 都不成功。   可是現在經他描述後， 我要再來試試看。  

我看老肉或科普的影片或文章， 感覺很可憐的事情就是幾乎所有的資料來源都是西洋的或著是東洋的。  中國人呢？  我的印象裡總是有經濟因素才會有實驗研究。  就像老肉說， 很多日本研究也都是為了經濟。  當我想到， Johannes Schmidt 花了十八年的時間， 用了很多私人的捐贈來做這些鰻魚的調查研究， 期間還因為一次世界大戰而停了四五年， 這種事情是為了甚麼？  再想到 Johannes Schmidt 在找到 Sargasso sea 後兩年就過世了。 他的經濟效益是啥？   他的目的是啥？  書裡問到這問題， 也許他有經濟目的， 因為為什麼會有人捐助這個計畫， 但書中沒有提到。  

書中提到鰻魚快絕種的原因除了竭澤而漁外， 還有疾病的問題。  書裡說歐洲鰻魚目前面對的疾病都是從日本來的。  這也讓我想到全球貿易所造成的禍害吧。  

我的腦袋裡也一直浮現金賽博士。  我對金賽博士的印象全來自 尼爾孫的電影。  會和這本書聯想起來是因為，我一直在想，誰會想了解鰻魚呢？  金賽博士研究一種昆蟲寫了一本厚厚的書， 卻發現完全是浪費時間。  最後他去研究人類的性。  不過我還是要說， 這本書幫助我對鰻魚發生一點興趣。  我還滿高興的， 因為能對這世界多一點認識都是好的。  

Today's quote

 世界沒有悲劇和喜劇之分。如果你能從悲劇中走出來，那就是喜劇；如果你沈湎於喜劇之中，那它就是悲劇。

——科馬克·麥卡錫《路》

jonathanWick4 quick afterthought

 the movie was better than I think.  but there are places I felt dragging.  this is basically gun fu style action.  Just guns guns guns.  I felt donnieyen did not show up often enough.   but when he showed up, he showed up in style.  I really liked when he used wingchung  in the kitchen, but it's less than a second.  

This movie keep reminding me of many different movies, like hobo with a gun(excessive gun play); matrix (neo and mopheus reunited...); equilibrium(gun fu); and many others.  When I saw the train station scene, I almost fell off my chairs, it's pretty much matrix w/ locksmith...  lol!  

I feel the tracker is odd, and out of place.  But I guess audience likes dogs, so they find a way to bring in an animal.  I do love JohnWick saved the dog scene though.   the Arc de triomphe de l'Étoile scnene to me was excessive, but I guess it's a build up scene.  It just bored me to no end.  And car crashing into johnwick was hard to watch...  I know it's an inside joke, but, the drag...  

This series except the first one is really one of those movie styles over contents.  People seemed to focus on the action of the movie.  But I rather say that the styles or atmosphere they created for the certain scene was awesome.  From first movie, the shower scene; second movie, the bathtubsuicide scene; this movie, the card scene.  High flair of styles, very impressive.  The card scene sequence was particularly sweet.  

The physical stunt, or the fight scene wore thin for me eventually.  I know they incorporated a lot of martial arts, almost like a world fair of it.  But to me the impact was thinned out.   But maybe it's because I got tired of watch all 4 movies in a very short period.  It's a common thing though, I think it's happened to Taken series too, or equilizer series as well.  

I think the movie's success lies in creating a world of its own.   For some reason, I think this world would fit well with a vampire theme...  lol  Style...  like the underworld.  It used a lot of religious symbols.  a lot, almost everywhere.  And very European medieval.  

I felt the osaka scene sucks, because they want to bring some Japanese flavor, but very superficial.  again, nowadays, whenever a modern non-european cultures shows up on the big screen,  they all felt like an european dress up party.  

The movie was not bad in its own right.  The imax we sat in was awesome, the chairs shakes.  But it was hilarious that before the movie starts, the announcer said the popcorn stand will be closed in 10 min after the movie starts, but the bathroom is open for use in he duration of the movie.  He also told us to use a designated exit after finishing the movie.  Then we found out, that exit directed us right to the parking lot.  It's kind hilarious, my friends kept saying it felt like an old old days.  I guess it's still a grand thing to go to movie theatres inMainlandChina...   

Movie afterthought

 TheBanshees ofInisherin

I watched this movie about a month ago.  I'd want to write some thoughts about the movie.  

For it left quite an impression on me.  But I can't tell what is the after taste left in my mouth.  

I really like the movie that much I know.  It's quite engrossing all the way through.  I never thought 

it was too long.  If anything, it makes me nervous.  I never know what to expect next.  The characters

in the movie are all  very distinct and memorable.  

It has a fairy tale quality.  Talking about the strange situation in a small village, where people can not

get out.  I feel the protagonist grows at the end of the movie.  But it has such a cost.  It almost has a 

zen air to it.  

le sigh, my thoughts failed me here.  

電影觀後感

我剛剛驚覺我最近看了不少電影。  昨天看了一部日本電影， 切腹。  才看了開頭，就覺得熟悉，繼而發現，這已是我看過的了。  實在是一部很棒的影片。  再看一次， 更好。  我看了一些影評，介紹， 和心得。  他們都提到這部片子有點像羅生門，因為都屬於倒述型的影片，各人對同一件事上，說出自己的經歷和看法。  我之前看的是英文翻譯， 這次看的附上了中文翻譯。  我得提一提這個中文翻譯。  實在滿不錯的， 很文言的翻譯。  一定是故意的，可能更符合原來的日本語， 我有點感動。  如此用心的翻譯， 真是太好了。  可以看得出， 翻譯的人不僅僅是在文句上用心， 而且也看得出他對日本當時的文化也下了一番功夫。  但我有兩點覺得可以改進的地方，就是斷句和一些翻譯的語句。  斷句，因為有些句子太長，文言看得很辛苦，而且看得速度跟大上。  有點可惜。  另外， 我覺得有些文言文的地方我覺得奇怪。  許多用字有點倒裝得感覺。  我說改進，毋寧說是我自己看得辛苦而希望輕鬆一些而說得。  這裡面我相信一定有許多我不懂的地方。  非常感謝有如此用心得群體在做至一件事！！  

這故事的敘述方式真的是引人入勝，他和羅生門不大一樣。  因為羅生門的觀點有至少有四五個人。  這裡只有兩個。  而其中一個只是個引子，這個引子更大程度上用了圖像給觀眾更大的震撼，而不是腳本裡的台詞。  真正的關鍵在第二次敘述。  導演和據作者對於一整個電影得節奏和進程掌握得穩穩的，該快該慢，是斷是續，實在很了不起。  

另外，我覺得以歷史劇而言，這是一部典範。  因為歷史劇並不只是把過去的價值觀重新敘述，而是要有一個穿越古今的某種價值的呈現。  在這裡有很多令我印象深刻的場面，但在我看來，最重要的場面實在是當下屬回來報信，說那些無來應卯的武士其實都是被打敗剃了頭，羞愧無法見人。  結果主管說，你應該當場就叫他們切腹。  之後還說你們儒生居然連這個都不懂！  這裡的政治意涵是深遠的。  如果你去看湯姆克魯斯的最後的武士，你所看到的就是那傳說中的武士精神。  那似乎是自發的，這裡則是被強迫的。  最後的武士是浪漫的， 切腹這電影是現實的， 這兩部電影似乎不相干， 但是相干地方在於，當你被強迫浪漫的時候， 浪漫變成了恐怖的現實。  

這真是一部好電影。  

-----------------------------------------------

這兩三天也在趕看將。維客。  看了一和二，等著看三。  我不是很喜歡將。維客。  我也不知道為啥。  我的印想裡這系列電影，有點太容易了。  雖說主角每次都是一身傷，我也看得出來動作場面設計得很精心。  有些過場我也滿喜歡的。  像是主角在第一集裡被綁在椅子上時， 仍然強悍的氣勢; 第二集裡， 女頭目的死亡場面； 還有第三集裡的中國商店還有那些狗狗特技，我都很喜歡。  但是， 整部戲裡卻沒辦法有甚麼大的感動。  當然， 從看一遍，還是多了一些觀察， 但即使如此，我覺得這不過是一個 B 級動作片。  動作片而言還是不錯的。  要進入 A 級的話， 還是需要讓我感到震撼。  這系列目前還沒做到這一點， 卻是越來越像是往 FastandFurious 系列走。  我一個朋友約我去看首印所以我才來溫習。  

============================

我最近也看了一部叫做 一個叫奧頭的人。  前不久我才看了原版的瑞典電影。  好來屋版是湯姆漢克斯演的。  兩部都很好看。  我覺得好來屋版的結局比較好，因為我看懂了。  瑞典版的我覺得結局不夠清楚。  但是瑞典版的在人物的鋪陳上飽滿的多， 多滿多的。  就這一點上，我更喜歡瑞典版。  

===========================

random

 34 videos I've posted since 10/18/22.  Most of them are 餘音， a few are something else.  

Now it's the end of Feb 2023, it's been 4 months and half.  I thought it was okay.  Okay being that I did not drop the ball after I finished growing up.  My mom loves 餘音, that's one of the reason I am doing it.  My sister does not like it so much, she does not understand how my mom loves it so much.  I find it intriguing.  

The point my sister said is that she does not see a lot of interactions between the father and daughter that could briny out such a deep connection between the two.  And that deep connection is actually the pivot point of the whole story.  She feels that it's very much one sided, almost conjured up all by the daughter.  

I think that is a valid point.  But I also see something that's beyond what was written down.  The fact that the daughter has such a heavy feeling for her dad even years after the death, I feel the first time author probably did not develop the whole situation as fully as she'd hope to.  I think there could be things more fully developed.  Though to me, some of the words the father offered to the daughter also showed a deep connection towards the daughter.   In fact, those are my favorite quotes from this book.  But I feel those quotes need to be thought over slowly after some experience in life to understand it.  

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今年的恩逼ㄟ很有趣。  籃網拆夥了， 詹姆士王受傷了，嚕卡和凱利成了隊友，凱分杜蘭加入太陽，勇士連進不進的去季後賽都不確定了，由磯崎的隊伍在西部排名第一。。。

恩逼ㄟ 越來越像三國。  這個故事不是因為戰事，而是角色的動向。  我現在也才知道以前中國的歷史是怎麼賣的。  因為恩逼ㄟ的媒體主要也是在賣球星，而不是籃球這個運動。  當然，只要恩逼ㄟ大賣， 籃球也會有越多人玩就是了。  

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上個星期六，榕從台灣到美國為了他弟弟楊楊的卅歲生日。  

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論說謊的人---(法) 蒙田

 Montaigne's Essay "On Liars"  論說謊的人---(法) 蒙田  (翻譯來自 散文欣賞 沉英編， 這本書大多有翻譯者，但偏偏這篇沒有)

Michel Eyquem, Sieur de Montaigne(1533-1592)  米修。蒙田(1533-1592)

There is no man so unsuited for the task of speaking about memory as I am, for I find scarcely a trace of it in myself, and I do not believe there is another man in the world so hideously lacking in it. All my other faculties are poor and ordinary, but in this I think I am most rare and singular and deserve to gain name and fame thereby. 

再沒有人比我更不宜於(適合)誇說(誇耀)自己的記憶的了。  因為我幾乎找不到它的一點痕跡，我不信世界上還有像我的記性這麼壞的。  我的其他稟賦都平平常常，唯獨在這一點上，我認為我是非凡而少有的，值得因此享受一種聲譽。  

Besides the natural inconvenience that I suffer on this account-for assuredly, considering how necessary it is, Plato was right in calling memory a great and powerful goddess-in my country, when they want to say that a man has no sense, they say that he has no memory; and when I complain of the shortcomings of my own, people correct me and refuse to believe me, as if I were accusing myself of being a fool. They can see no difference between memory and intellect. 

記性欠佳除了感受天然的不便利之外，有時還要忍受冤枉。  在我的家鄉，要說一個人無意識(不合理)時，總愛說他沒有記性； 每逢我對人訴說我這弱點，他們便要嘲笑我，無論如何也不肯相信，彷彿我在控告自己是瘋子似的，因為在他們心目中，記憶和智慧絕對是一件事。  

This makes me look much worse off. But they wrong me, for experience shows that, on the contrary, excellent memories are often coupled with feeble judgments. They also wrong me in this, that the same words which indicate my infirmity, signify ingratitude as well-and I am nothing if I am not a good friend. They blame my affections instead of my memory and turn an involuntary defect into a wilful one. "He has forgotten this request or that promise," they say. "He doesn't remember his friends. He did not remember to do this, to say that, or to keep quiet about the other, for my sake." Certainly I am prone enough to forgetfulness, but as for neglecting, out of indifference, a service which a friend has asked of me, that I do not do. Let them be content with my misfortune and not turn it into a kind of ill will, a kind quite foreign to my character. 

這使我吃虧不少，可是他們實在是不對的，因為經驗證明，極好的記憶力往往配上極壞的判斷力。  還有， 我雖然做甚麼都不行，卻極夠朋友，他們苛責我這弱點，未免有點不夠交情。  他竟因我的記性而懷疑到我的感情，把天然的遺憾視為良心的欠缺。  他們常說：「他把別人的委託和自己的許諾都忘了，他完全不想到朋友，他完全不顧到我，不想想應該說什麼，或是隱瞞什麼。」  我很健忘，這是毫無疑義的。  但因不關心而忽略朋友之託，卻不是我的本性。  願大家體諒我的不幸，別誤認為惡意，尤其是這一種與我的天性絕對相反的惡意。  

But I find some consolation, first because I have derived from this evil my principal argument against a worse evil, which might have taken root in me: the evil of ambition. For lack of memory is an intolerable defect in anyone who takes on the burden of the world's affairs. 

我倒也有我的慰藉。  第一， 這一個毛病矯正了另一個易犯而更壞的毛病，就是野心； 因為對於一個想包攬世事(世界大事)的人，缺乏記憶是最難堪的弱點。  

Then, as several similar examples of nature's workings show, she has generously strengthened other faculties in me in proportion as this one has grown weaker. I might easily have let my intelligence and judgment follow languidly in other men's footsteps, as all the world does, without exerting their own power, if other people's ideas and opinions had ever been present with me by favor of my memory. 

自然界進化的現象中，有許多例子告訴我們： 大自然往往加強我們別的天賦以補救某種稟賦的不足。  如果不是這樣，我的理智與判斷力將不能盡量發揮它們的才能，很容易像大多數人那樣，心理時時刻刻記著別人的創見和意旨，被引導著懶懶散散地去追別人的足跡。  

Again, my speech is consequently briefer, for the storehouse of the memory is generally better stocked with material than that of the invention. If my memory had been good, I should have deafened all my friends with my chatter, since any subject that calls out such powers as I have of argument and development warms and extends my eloquence. This would have been lamentable, as I have learned in the case of some of my intimate friends. In proportion as their memory gives them a complete and firsthand view of their subject, so they push their narrative back into the past and burden it with useless details. If the story is a good one, they smother its virtues; if it is not, you curse their fortunate powers of memory or their unfortunate lack of judgment. Once one is well on the road, it is difficult to close a discourse and break it off. There is no better way of proving a horse's strength than by pulling him up short and sharp. 

因為記憶不好，我的話總是比較簡短。  記憶的貨倉(倉庫)比創見的貨倉(倉庫)容易充塞物品，如果我的記憶對我優待，我將會喋喋不休地震破朋友們的耳鼓，因為無論談起什麼都會引動我發揮這小小才幹，激發我的雄辯。  多麼可哀呵！  我竟親眼見過幾個朋友，就是這個樣子。  因為記憶把題材原原本本地供給他們，使他們把故事往後追溯得那麼遠，去附上了如許(許多)無謂(的)枝節。  假使這故事本來很好， 這樣一來，好處全被窒死(窒息，沒了)； 假如本來就不好呢，那你就不知應該詛咒他們幸而還有的記憶力， 還是應該同情他們不幸缺乏的判斷力了。  一走上高談闊論的大路之後，要停止及截短是很難的事。  再沒有什麼比那驟然站住更能顯出馬的力量的。  

Even among men who keep to the point, I find some who would like to break off but cannot. While they are searching for a place at which to stop, they go maundering and trailing on like a man who is losing strength. Particularly dangerous are old men who retain the memory of past events but do not remember how often they have repeated them. I have known some very amusing tales to become most tiresome when told by some gentlemen whose whole audience has been sated with them a hundred times. 

就是在那些說話切題的人當中，我也認識好些雖想而不能在他們的路程中驟然停止。  他們一面在腦子裡搜尋註腳點，一面口中仍喃喃不已，就像一個要昏倒的人還曳著腳步一樣。  老頭子尤其可怕，他們對於過去記憶猶在，卻不記得現在已重述(重復)了多少遍。  我知道有好些很風趣的故事在某(公爵)爵士口中變成了討厭，他的朋友沒有一個不被這故事灌注過一百次。  

I find some consolation, also, in the reflection that I have, in the words of a certain ancient author, a short memory for the injuries I have received. Like Darius, I should need a prompter. Wishing not to forget the insult he had suffered from the Athenians, the Persian king made one of his pages come and repeat three times in his ear, each time he sat down to table: "Sire, remember the Athenians"; and it consoles me too that the places I revisit and the books I reread always smile upon me with the freshness of novelty. 

第二， 我缺乏記憶所給我的安慰是， 正如一位古人所說， 容易忘記別人的侮辱。  我需要當頭棒喝，和達里烏(古代波斯王大流士)一般，為(了)要不忘記他從雅典人那裏所受的恥辱，教一個僕人每當他吃飯的時候，向他耳邊連喊三聲：「主人呵， 別忘了雅典人！」  除此之外，還有一點好處是： 我重見(遊)的地方和重讀的書籍永遠帶著新鮮的姿態向我微笑。  

Not without reason is it said that no one who is not conscious of having a sound memory should set up to be a liar. I know quite well that grammarians make a distinction between telling an untruth and lying. They say that to tell an untruth is to say something that is false, but that we suppose to be true, and that the meaning of the Latin mentiri, from which our French word for lying derives, is to go against one's conscience, and that consequently it applies only to those who say the opposite of what they know; and it is of them I am speaking. 

記憶不強的人切勿(千萬別)學人撒謊，這話實在說的有理。  我知道那些文字學家把 「說假」 和撒謊分開： 「說假」 是說一件假的而自以為是真的； 至于 「撒謊」 (這個來自拉丁語的法國詞彙)這個拉丁字(也就是法文所由來)的定義(，它的定義)， 卻是瞞住良心說話，因此只用於那些言與心違的人，也正是我現在所論及的。  

Now liars either invent the whole thing, or they disguise and alter an actual fact. If they disguise and alter, it is hard for them not to get mixed up when they refer to the same story again and again because, the real facts having been the first to lodge in the memory and impress themselves upon it by way of consciousness and knowledge, they will hardly fail to spring into the mind and dislodge the false version, which cannot have as firm or assured a foothold. The circumstances, as they were first learned, will always rush back into the thoughts, driving out the memory of the false or modified details that have been added. 

這種人有時是虛構整個事件(一整個事情)，連枝帶葉，有時是改變或修飾那原是(原來有)真實基礎的事物。  那些(被)改變或修飾的(事物)， 如果要常常覆述，就很難不露馬腳，因為真實是先進入他們記憶中的， 已(已經)由概念與認識的媒介印在(腦袋裡)上面，自然而然會顯露給我們想像，驅逐著那立足沒有那麼穩固的虛偽(假象)， 把添上去的假冒而模糊的枝節(給)消滅。  

If liars make a complete invention, they apparently have much less reason to be afraid of tripping up, in as much as there is no contrary impression to clash with their fiction. But even this, being an empty thing that offers no hold, readily escapes from the memory unless it is a very reliable one. I have often had amusing proof of this, at the expense of those who profess to suit their speech only to the advantage of the business in hand and to please the great men to whom they are speaking. The circumstances to which it is their wish to subordinate their faith and their conscience being subject to various changes, their language has also to change from time to time; and so they call the same thing gray one moment and yellow the next, say one thing to one man, and another to another. Then, if these listeners happen to bring all this contrary information together as a common booty what becomes of all their fine art? Besides, they trip up so often when they are off their guard. For what memory could be strong enough to retain all the different shapes they have invented for the same subject? I have seen many in my time who have desired a reputation for this subtle kind of discretion, not seeing that the reputation and the end in view are incompatible. 

至於那些完全虛構的， 沒有相反的印象搖動它們的虛偽， 似乎沒有那麼容易被人覷破， 但也不盡然， 因為無實質的虛體，如果插根未牢， 就易 (容易) 為(被)記憶(所) 忽略遺漏。  關於這點，我有很多有趣的經驗， 我發覺吃虧的總是那些顧及自己事業利益或觀察大人物的臉色而措詞的人， 因為他們想用以束縛他們的信義及良心的種種情景，時常變動，他們的話也不能不跟著轉移。  於是同一樁事， 他們今天說灰，明天說黃； 對這人說這樣， 對那人說那樣； 

這些人如果偶然把他們所(得到)的矛盾消息像贓物似的合攏在一起(如果那些說謊者的聽眾聚在一起，把他們聽到的謊言像贓物一樣收集在一處)， 這巧妙的伎倆， 結果又將如何呢？  並且稍不留神便自打嘴巴； 因為什麼樣的好記性能容得下他們對每件事所捏造的種種呢？  

(即使說謊者沒有被別人揭穿，在他們不經意的時候，仍常常露出馬腳來。  這是因為沒有人的腦袋可以裝的下他們為某一件事物所發明的那麼多的形狀(這麼多的謊話)。  在我這一生當中，有許多人都希望自己有這樣 「聰明」的名聲，卻看不出說這名聲和他們所希望的結果是如此的相違。)

Lying is indeed an accursed vice. We are men, and we have relations with one another only by speech. If we recognized the horror and gravity of an untruth, we should more justifiably punish it with fire than any other crime. 

說謊確實是可詛咒的惡習。  人之所以為人， 以及人與人所以能團結， 全仗語言。  如果我們認識說誑的危害與嚴重， 我們將會不惜用火來追趕它， 這卻(的確)比對任何罪過都應該。  

I commonly find people taking the most ill-advised pains to correct their children for their harmless faults and worrying them about heedless acts which leave no trace and have no consequences. Lying-and in a lesser degree obstinacy-are, in my opinion, the only faults whose birth and progress we should consistently oppose. They grow with a child's growth, and once the tongue has got the knack of lying, it is difficult to imagine how impossible it is to correct it. Whence it happens that we find some otherwise excellent men subject 'to this fault and enslaved by it. I have a decent lad as my tailor, whom I have never heard to utter a single truth, even when it would have been to his advantage. 

(尤其是，)我覺得人們往往白費功夫去無謂地懲罰小孩的無辜小過， 為(了)毫無印象和影響的無意識舉動去折磨他們。  在我看來， 只有撒謊， 其次還有剛愎， 應該極力殲滅它們的萌芽和滋長。  因為它們會隨著小孩而長大。  舌端(頭)一度(旦)向那方面(向)伸展之後， 說也奇怪，任你怎樣也不能把它拉回來的。  所以我們常見在其他方面非常(很)誠實的人，仍不免屈服受制於這個惡習。  我認識一個品行良好的成衣匠(裁縫)， 從未聽見他說過半句真話， 即使是於他有利的時候。  

If, like the truth, falsehood had only one face, we should know better where we are, for we should then take the opposite of what a liar said to be the truth. But the opposite of a truth has a hundred thousand shapes and a limitless field. 

倘若像真理一般， 虛妄只有一副面孔， 倒也好辦， 我們可以把慣於說誑的人所說的反面當真實， 但它的背後卻有千萬副面孔和無限制的田地。  

The Pythagoreans regard good as certain and finite, and evil as boundless and uncertain. There are a thousand ways of missing the bull's-eye, only one of hitting it. I am by no means sure that I could induce myself to tell a brazen and deliberate lie even to protect myself from the most obvious and extreme danger. 

培達格里派的哲學家認為善是確定而有界限的， 惡是無限制無標準的。  千百條路引我們乖離， 只有一條引我們抵達目的。 

An ancient father says that we are better off in the company of a dog we know than in that of a man whose language we do not understand. Therefore those of different nations do not regard one another as men, and how much less friendly is false speech than silence!

一位古代的神父曾說： 我們和一隻相識的狗作伴也比和一個言語不通的人相處好。  (也因為這種想法，古代不同的國族之間往往不肯承認對方也是人。)「所以一個生人對於(另)一個生人， 不能算人。」  何況虛偽的語言比緘默更難交易呢？  

下面這一句是英文翻譯的來源裡，網站附加的。  那看來是一個教書的網站。  我覺得這句話和這篇文章有無比貼砌的地方。  這是馬克吐溫說的。  意思是如果你都說實話， 你就不需要記得任何東西。  

Another quote: 

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Mark Twain (1835-1910, American humorist, writer)

a poem

 《雨ニモマケズ》(不怕風雨) － 宮澤賢治

雨ニモマケズ	不要輸給雨
風ニモマケズ	不要輸給風
雪ニモ夏ノ暑サニモマケヌ	也不要輸給冰雪和夏天的炙熱
丈夫ナカラダヲモチ	保持健康的身體
慾ハナク	沒有貪念
決シテ瞋ラズ	絕對不要生氣
イツモシヅカニワラッテヰル	總是沉靜的微笑
一日ニ玄米四合ト	一日吃四合的糙米
味噌ト少シノ野菜ヲタベ	一點味噌和青菜
アラユルコトヲ	不管遇到甚麼事
ジブンヲカンジョウニ入レズニ	先別加入己見
ヨクミキキシワカリ	好好的看、聽、了解
ソシテワスレズ	而後謹記在心不要忘記
野原ノ松ノ林ノ蔭ノ	在原野松林的樹蔭中
小サナ萱ブキノ小屋ニヰテ	有我棲身的小小的茅草屋
東ニ病気ノコドモアレバ	東邊若有生病的孩童
行ッテ看病シテヤリ	去照顧他的病
西ニツカレタ母アレバ	西方若有疲倦的母親
行ッテソノ稲ノ束ヲ負ヒ	去幫他扛起稻桿
南ニ死ニソウナ人アレバ	南邊如果有快去世的人
行ッテコハガラナクテモイゝトイヒ	去告訴他：不要害怕
北ニケンクワヤソショウガアレバ	北方如果有吵架的人們
ツマラナイカラヤメロトイヒ	去跟他們說：別做這麼無聊的事情了！
ヒドリノトキハナミダヲナガシ	旱災的時候擔心的流下眼淚
サムサノナツハオロオロアルキ	夏季卻寒流來襲，不安的來回踱步
ミンナニデクノボートヨバレ	大家說我像個傻子
ホメラレモセズ	不需要別人稱讚
クニモサレズ	也無須他人為我擔憂
サウイフモノニ	這就是
ワタシハナリタイ	我想成為的人。

(來源： https://www.imagejoy.com/article.php?id=221)

有點驚訝自己竟然無有把這首詩鈔錄下來。  

fFrom AuntPL's memory 小抄

 幾個月前，和媽媽談起爸爸是個好人。  他說外婆在我們家時，爸爸進門前好幾步遠就大喊著： 「媽媽，媽媽！」  見到外婆後，好像會給外婆一些錢。  媽媽說最近和佩蘭阿姨提起事，佩蘭阿姨也說，在外婆過世後，佩蘭阿姨從美國回來，他在我們家的時候，爸爸也是一進門就喊著： 「妹妹，妹妹！」  見到佩蘭阿姨後，也會從口袋裡掏出一些錢給他用。 很短的小抄，只是想記錄一下。  如果你問我，我記得我爸爸說過哪些話。  我可以很肯定的跟你說，「嘴要甜。」 是我印象很深的一句話。  

另外一句是： 「手掌要向下的，不要向上。」 他的意思是要做個施捨的人，不要做個只會拿東西的。  因為施捨時的手掌是向下的。  而接受的人則相反。  這一點上，我父親在世時，我媽媽也是一樣。   爸爸做醫生的關係，常有人來送禮。  媽媽幾乎是右手收了，左手就給掉了。  即使是現在，媽媽也是一樣。  可是因為和舅舅的關係很不好，有點受到影響。  當然，也因為我真的是很無用。  

我也記得最近媽媽提到， 在爸爸過世後，有一次去買肥皂，他才知道肥皂也滿貴的。  因為我們以前還是會留一些實用的禮物，例如肥皂。  

鬱金香 英國愛狄遜

 From Tatler: By the Right Honourable Joseph Addison, Esq

No. 218. Thursday, August 30, 1710.

Scriptorum Chorus omnis amat nemus et fugit urbes.

Hor.

From my own apartment, August 29.

I CHANCED to rise very early one particular morning this summer, and took a walk into the country to di∣vert myself among the fields and meadows, while the green was new, and the flowers in their bloom. As at this season of the year every lane is a beautiful walk, and every hedge full of nosegays, I lost myself with a great deal of pleasure among several thickets and bushes that were filled with a great variety of birds, and an agreeable confusion of notes, which formed the pleasantest scene in the world to one who had passed a whole winter in noise and smoke. The freshness of the dews that lay up∣on every thing about me, with the cool breath of the morning, which inspired the birds with so many delight∣ful instincts, created in me the same kind of animal plea∣sure, and made my heart overflow with such secret emo∣tions of joy and satisfaction as are not to be described or accounted for. On this occasion, I could not but re∣flect upon a beautiful simile in Milton:

As one who long in populous city pent,

Where houses thick, and sewers, annoy the air,

Forth issuing on a summer's morn, to breathe

Among the pleasant villages, and farms

Adjoin'd, from each thing met conceives delight:

The smell of grain, or tedded grass, or kine,

Or dairy, each rural sight, each rural sound.

Those who are conversant in the writings of polite authors, receive an additional entertainment from the country, as it revives in their memories those charming descriptions with which such authors do frequently a∣bound.

I was thinking of the foregoing beautiful simile in Milton, and applying it to myself, when I observed to the windward of me a black cloud falling to the earth in long trails of rain, which made me betake myself for shelter to a house which I saw at a little distance from the place where I was walking. As I sat in the porch, I heard the voices of two or three persons, who seemed very ear∣nest in discourse. My curiosity was raised when I heard the names of Alexander the Great and Artaxerxes; and as their talk seemed to run on ancient heroes, I concluded there could not be any secret in it; for which reason I thought I might very fairly listen to what they said.

After several parallels between great men, which ap∣peared to me altogether groundless and chimerical, I was surprized to hear one say, that he valued the Black Prince more than the duke of Vendosme. How the duke of Ven∣dosme should become a rival of the Black Prince's, I could not conceive: and was more startled when I heard a second affirm with great vehemence, that if the emperor of Germany was not going off, he should like him better than either of them. He added, That though the season was so changeable, the duke of Marlborough was in blom∣ing beauty. I was wondering to myself from whence they had received this odd intelligence, especially when I heard them mention the names of several other great generals, as the prince of Hesse, and the king of Sweden, who, they said, were both running away. To which they added, what I entirely agreed with them in, that the crown of France was very weak, but that the mareschal Villars still kept his colours. At last one of them told the company, if they would go along with him, he would shew them a chimney-sweeper and a painted lady in the same bed, which he was sure would very much please them. The shower which had driven them, as well as myself, into the house, was now over: and as they were passing by me into the garden, I asked them to let me be one of their company.

The gentleman of the house told me, If I delighted in flowers, it would be worth my while, for that he believ∣ed he could shew me such a blow of tulips as was not to be matched in the whole country.

I accepted the offer, and immediately found that they had been talking in terms of gardening, and that the kings and generals they had mentioned were only so many tulips, to which the gardeners, according to their usual custom, had given such high titles and appellations of honour.

I was very much pleased and astonished at the glorious show of these gay vegetables, that arose in great profusion on all the banks about us. Sometimes I considered them with the eye of an ordinary spectator as so many beauti∣ful objects, varnished over with a natural gloss, and stained with such a variety of colours, as are not to be equalled in any artificial dyes or tinctures. Sometimes I considered every leaf as an elaborate piece of tissue, in which the threads and fibres were woven together into different configurations, which gave a different colouring to the light as it glanced on the several parts of the sur∣face.  Sometimes I considered the whole bed of tulips, according to the notion of the greatest mathematician and philosopher that ever lived, as a multitude of optic instruments, designed for the separating light into all those various colours of which it is composed.

I was awakened out of these my philosophical specu∣lations, by observing the company often seemed to laugh at me. I accidentally praised a tulip as one of the finest that I ever saw; upon which they told me, it was a com∣mon fool's-coat. Upon that I praised a second, which it seems was but another kind of fool's-coat. I had the same fate with two or three more; for which reason I desired the owner of the garden to let me know which were the finest of the flowers, for that I was so unskilful in the art, that I thought the most beautiful were the most valu∣able, and that those which had the gayest colours were the most beautiful. The gentleman smiled at my ignorance: he seemed a very plain honest man, and a person of good sense, had not his head been touched with that distemper which Hippocrates calls the Tulippo-Mania, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉; insomuch that he would talk very rationally on any subject in the world but a tulip.

He told me, that he valued the bed of flowers which lay before us, and was not above twenty yards in length, and two in breadth, more than he would the best hundred acres of land in England; and added, that it would have been worth twice the money it is, if a foolish cook-maid of his had not almost ruined him the last winter, by mistaking an handful of tulip-roots for an heap of onions, and by that means, says he, made me a dish of pottage, that cost me above 1000 l. sterling. He then shewed me what he thought the finest of his tulips, which I found received all their value from their rarity and oddness, and put me in mind of your great fortunes, which are not always the greatest beauties.

I have often looked upon it as a piece of happiness, that I have never fallen into any of these fantastical tastes, nor esteemed any thing the more for its being uncommon and hard to be met with. For this reason, I look upon the whole country in spring-time as a spacious garden, and make as many visits to a spot of daisies, or a bank of violets, as a florist does to his borders and parterres. There is not a bush in blossom within a mile of me which I am not acquainted with, nor scarce a daffadil or cow∣slip that withers away in my neighbourhood without my missing it. I walked home in this temper of mind through several fields and meadows with an unspeakable pleasure, not without reflecting on the bounty of providence, which has made the most pleasing and most beautiful ob∣jects the most ordinary and most common.

我在錄音一篇沉櫻翻譯的文章。  我蠻想找找這個英國作者是誰的。  可惜沉櫻的那本書上沒有英文名字。  我只知道書裡講到鬱金香。  查了半天鬱金香都找不到， 最後還是嘗試拼拼看英國作者的名字才找到這篇文章。  而且竟然找到全篇文章。 (來源： https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/ecco/004786805.0001.000/1:55?rgn=div1;view=fulltext)

 

Outfit movie afterthought

 I like the movie.  The acting was top notch, the conversation was engaging.  I think it is like a stage play, also reminded me a bit of noir genre.  

MarkRylance is awesome.  He has such an unassuming demeaner, which fits the role really well.  But it's his subtle movements, which caught by camera that's gripping.  

It's a nice little film.  The ending is cliche.  But it really doesn't hurt the film, for its strength should really come from the process, with conversation, plot twists, and acting.  

There's a hole in the history of the world

 這世界的歷史有一很多洞。  其中我覺得最大的一塊是新疆以西和歐洲以東的地方。  

我今天寫下這個想法是因為我在找印刷術在世界各地的起源和流傳。  以地區來說，整個華夏地區是一塊，新疆鮮卑是一塊，地中海是和歐洲是一塊，印度是一塊。  但是，在維基裡，提到印刷術只有華夏和歐洲。  我想找找伊朗的印刷術歷史，有的東西不多， 有的也都是回教立國之後。  感覺上，從華夏都歐洲，除了兩個終端有比較詳細的歷史，中間幾乎都是斷掉的。  我是不怎麼相信這裡真沒有東西。  多半是有，但是出不來。  那跟沒有，很像。  

因此，這世界的歷史有個大洞。  

On peace of mind (a second time)

 

On Peace of Mind

"On my head pour only the sweet waters of serenity. Give me the gift of the Untroubled Mind."


Once, as a young man full of exuberant fancy, i undertook to draw up a catalogue of the acknowledged "goods" of life. As other men sometimes tabulate lists of properties they own or would like to own, i set down my inventory of earthly desirables: health, love, beauty, talent, power, riches, and fame.

when my inventory was completed I proudly showed it to a wise elder who had been the mentor and spiritual model of my youth. Perhaps I was trying to impress him with my precocious wisdom. Anyway, i handed him the list. "This", I told him confidently, "is the sum of mortal goods. Could a man possess them all, he would be as a god."

At the corners of my friend's old eyes, I saw wrinkles of amusement gathering in a patient net. "An excellent list," he said, pondering it thoughtfully. "Well digested in contented and set down in not-unreasonable order. But it appears, my young friend, that you have omitted the most important element of all. You have forgotten the one ingredient, lacking which each possession becomes a hideous torment."

"And what," i asked, peppering my voice with truculence, "is that missing ingredient?"

With a pencil stub he crossed out my entire schedule. Then, having demolished my adolescent dream structure at a single stroke, he wrote down three syllables: peace of mind. "This is the gift that God reserves for His special proteges," he said.

"Talent and beauty He gives to many. Wealth is commonplace, fame not rare. But peace of mind -- that is His final guerdon of approval, the fondest insignia of His love. He bestows it charily. Most men are never blessed with it; others wait all their lives -- yes, far into advanced age -- for this gift to descent upon them."



----------------Joshua Loth Liebman

(錄自: 英美名家散文選, 陳淑玲編譯, Bruce S. Stewart 校閱, 學習出版社)

我自己的自己的自己的回憶

 My mom asked me, do you have any happy memory from childhood?  

It's strange.  

I have a lot of those.  But It's hard to put into words.  I have a lot of those, but it's hard to put into words.  

我也就隨想隨寫，既不受時空的限制，也無有任何外部的壓力。  讓我想想。  

我常常在想，我小時候是很快樂的。  在我的印象裡，媽媽，我，和我妹總是在一起，做幾乎所有的事。  去三軍托兒所，去象山，去圓山，逛很多書店，去上英文補習，鋼琴補習，學期腳踏車，學游泳。  還有很多。  家裡請客

我們和爸爸的印象最多的就是他的診所，中正紀念堂，還有兵馬俑展覽，在台灣故宮的對面，還有國父紀念館，看黃飛鴻，看胡金銓導演的最後一部戲，陰陽法王，大嫂家的打牌和請客，程偉朱叔叔家的狗，和小余叔叔他們家在一起。  還有很多。  

我現在很有印象的事就是我從小聽我媽媽說我的身體很弱。  於是她要我和我妹妹去學游泳，希望可以治好氣喘。  那時我們從小的玩伴之一，筱枚和小寶都已是游泳健將了。  我和妹妹才去學。 那是在師大附屬師小的游泳池，好像是一個暑假。  我怎麼都不肯下水，我媽媽是很生氣的，但是那個教練很好有耐心，是個大哥哥。  我妹倒是很快就下水了。  但不知怎的我妹受了傷。  之後我卻肯下水了。  後來，媽媽帶我和妹妹去淡江大學在金華街附近的游泳池去報名游泳。  我記得我們在那裏的會員費可貴了。  但是卻是那附近最靠近我們的游泳池。  我記得我們游到至少小學結束。  一星期至少三次，都是我母親自帶我們去的。  那個游泳池的設備真是一流，也難怪很貴。  後來我再去哪兒游，都沒有那兒好。  我們那時也去過 台北的 ymca 游，但是遠一點，就沒有去。  媽媽矢志要使我們健康強壯。  

媽媽自己不會騎腳踏車。  他也矢志要我們學會騎腳踏車。  那時林慧珠阿姨也同意他的看法，我們要會騎腳踏車。  林阿姨剛好有一部很舊的腳踏車，好像是他姪子的。  剛好適合我們，媽媽就用這一部車子來教我們。  他教我們的方式是，我們在前面踩踏，他在後面扶持。  這樣好幾次，她累得半死，我們還是學不會。  我想我那時是很害怕的。 有一次還是爸爸來帶我們騎。  爸爸也用同樣的方式，他也累得半死，但是我們還是學不會。  爸爸看我們學不會，他就自己騎給我們看。  他人滿大的，其那個小車，卻還滿輕鬆自在地。  之後還是媽媽來帶。  但是無論如何，我們就是學不會。  我的印象裡是，之後媽媽和林慧珠阿姨提到這事(還是別人，我的記憶有點模糊了)，他說，應該要讓我們自己來，不要有人在後面扶持。  因為我們的腳可以搆得到地面，我們只要自己一隻腳撐地，然後開始踩踏。 如果一開始如果害怕，就撐一下，停一下。  慢慢的就自己就會了。  我們是在三軍托兒所練習。  我記得，那時試用這個方法，居然很快就會了。  小瑋好像也是如此。  

就先寫到這裡。  看看下次有空再說。  

A poem I saw

 告別

段戎

一切都留在花季裡了。
 

石頭小徑平坦，掌紋
還擱在心的左側   
你來時輕盈，卻重重地
跌進我的眼神

還記得陽光溫暖，我們相互摩挲
像整個世紀
都欠彼此一個吻痕
往返時區如往返諾言
互視成便永恆

只有秋意太急，閉上眼
看見所有信號的枯萎
我們環抱古老的大樹
向它請示花季的盡頭：
「那些看不見的
都在依序發生。」

這個日子於是被定格
你在鏡頭之中
輕得像粒灰塵

費柏門一家 觀後感

 theFablemans afterthought

我昨晚看了史蒂芬。史匹柏的費柏門一家。  兩個小時半的電影，看起來是一點都不費力。  史導演雕塑電影的能力在這部電影裡很完美的呈現出來。  選角，音樂，攝影，劇本結合在一起，沒有一絲尷尬。  

但是，我要到現在才稍微想到一些東西來說。  

我覺得電影裡有一種極度的渴望，渴望去原諒。  原諒了沒，我覺得不重要，而是從沒有放棄那種渴望。  而且，原諒甚麼，我也不知道。  

電影裡有一些地方我得承認我沒有看懂。  有些對話，我搞不清出他們在講甚麼。  恐怕還得再看一遍。  像是電影後段， 高中欺負他的校園明星，最後跟他說的話，我不懂他們在說啥。  

我在 拯救萊恩大兵的採訪中，已經聽過史導演自己描述幼時在亞利桑那州，自己想法子拍戰爭片的事情。  現在在電影裡看到覺得很是有趣。  另外， 我發現史導演的很多部電影真的就像是把自己的童年重新拿出翻騰。  像是我很喜歡他的 super8，和這部電影有許多類似的地方。  但是這一部或許更是他的勇氣之作，因為之前的作品可以用科幻，象徵，或者冒險來遠離事實。  但是這一部，卻是相反。  而且，他描述的主題是他最親的兩個人， 我覺得真是不可思議。  

這部費柏門一家已是我最近一年裡看的第三部大導演拍攝自已童年的故事的電影了。  之前的兩部是羅馬 (Roma, by alfonsoCuraon), 貝爾法斯特(Belfast, by kennethBranahg).  每一部都很好看。  羅馬需要一點耐性就是了。  

詩鈔

 送別

席慕蓉

不是所有的夢   都來得及實現
不是所有的話   都來的及告訴你
疚恨總要深植在別離後的心中
儘管   他們說
世間種種最後終必成空
我並不是故意要錯過
可是   我一直都在這樣做
錯過那花滿枝椏的昨日
又要錯過今朝
今朝仍要重複那相同的別離
餘生將成陌路   一去千里
在暮靄裡向你深深俯著
請為我珍重
儘管   他們說
世間種種最後終必   終必成空

在看完您好，母親大人，這是最後一集最後面的的一首詩。  

嘗試翻譯，然後一點感想

H is for Hawk 

"...and as the cover falls my hawk makes a curious, bewitching movement.  She twitches her head to one side then

當書的封面落下時，我的老鷹做了一個可愛的動作。  他把他的頭一直歪向一邊，

 turns it upside down and continues to regard me with the tip of her beak pointing at the ceiling.  I am astonished. 

幾乎要把頭整個倒過來，鳥嘴尖幾乎朝著天花板，但是兩眼卻始終沒有離開我。  我吃了一驚。

 I've seen this head-turning before.  Baby falcons do it when they play.  But goshawk?  Really?  I pull a sheet of

我看過這種現象，那是雛鷹想玩時的動作。  但蒼鷹也想玩？ 搞錯了吧？！  我拿一張

 paper towards me, tear a long strip from one side, scrunch it into a ball, and offer it to the hawk in my fingers. 

紙，撕成長條，揉成一個球狀，用手指拿到蒼鷹的面前。

 She grabs it with her beak.  It crunches.  She likes the sound.  She crunches it again and then lets it drop, turning

他用喙把紙團叼過去。  紙團在他的嘴裡壓出聲響。  他喜歡這聲音。  他再咬一口然後就放開了紙團，讓紙團掉到地上去。

 her head upside down as it hits the floor.  I pick it up and offer it to her again.  She grabs it and bites it very gently

然後他再一次的把頭倒轉過來。  我撿起了紙團又遞給他。  這次他叼過去，輕輕咬啊咬的：   

 over and over again: gnam, gnam, gnam.  She looks like a glove puppet, a Punch and Judy crocoldile.  her eyes

發出咂吧咂吧的聲音。  他看起來好像一個布袋戲裡的布袋娃娃， 一個 胖曲和奺笛的鱷魚娃娃。  他瞇著眼竟然像

 are narrowed in bird-laughter.  I am laughing too.  I roll a magazine into a tube and peer at her through it as if it

笑出聲來。  我也被他逗笑了。  我把一本雜誌捲起來像個管子，然後把眼睛從管子裡望向他

 were a telescope.  She ducks her head to look at me through the hole.  She pushes her beak into it as far as it

，模仿一個望遠鏡。  他低下頭也同我一樣，從管子的另一端望向我。  接著他把鳥嘴盡量向前伸入管子裡，

 will go, biting the empty air inside.  Putting my mouth to my side of my paper telescope I boom into it: "Hello,

好像在管子裡試著咬著假想的東西。  我也把我的嘴湊上了管子，向裡面說 「哈囉，

 Mabel."  She pulls her beak free.  All the feathers on her forehead are raised.  she shakes her tail rapidly from side to side and shivers with happiness.  

美寶。」 管子裡的聲音共鳴著。  他迅速地抽出他的喙。  他前額的所有羽毛都豎起來了。  他快速地左右擺動他的尾巴，身體可以看到快樂的顫抖。  

An obscure shame grips me.  I had a fixed idea of what a goshawk was, just as those Victorian falconers had, and it was not big enough to hold what goshawk are.  No one had ever told me goshawks played.  It was not in the books.  I had not imagined it was possible.  I wondered if it was because no one had ever played with them.  The thought made me terribly sad...."

一股莫名的羞愧襲上我。  我以前對蒼鷹的舊有印象一直都和維多利亞時代的馴鷹人一樣。  這印象猶如井底之蛙，根本不能抓住蒼鷹的全部面貌。  從沒有一個人跟我說蒼鷹也愛玩。  沒有一本書提到過。  我從沒想過這種可能。  我猜會不會是從來沒有人和他們玩。  這種想法讓我很難過。。。

-----------------------------------------------------------

我看完這本書已經是兩星期前了吧。  卻總還是想著這本書。  我覺得這一段其實是一整本書最重要的地方。  一整本書的轉折點，也是一整本書的中心主題。  這書的作者養蒼鷹的目的有一部份是因為蒼鷹的名聲很兇悍，是一種極其難馴的鷹種。  他早年學馴鷹的時候，從不敢去碰的。  但現在因為喪父，心情惡劣到，只想遠離人群，和一隻兇悍蒼鷹生活。  希望可以藉著這隻鷹，使自己忘記過去也不要想到未來。  

他從小對鷹就情有獨鍾，立志要當個馴鷹人。  因此他從小就嗜讀有關馴鷹的書。  歐洲自從十字軍東征後，和阿拉伯文化有了接觸，就開始有了馴鷹的習慣。  而蒼鷹，更是屬於歐洲貴族的專屬，因為要野放蒼鷹的時候需要很大的場地。  也因為有如此長的歷史，很早就有歐洲人把馴鷹的事寫成了書。  作者經常舉例的書裡，就有十七，十八，和十九世紀維多利亞時代的書。  很多這些書對蒼鷹的描述都是兇悍，嗜血， 鬧脾氣，不馴。  

但是當作者開始真正馴養蒼鷹時，卻發現了許多書裡所沒有提到的事情。  我節錄的這一段，就是一個對蒼鷹有新認識的起點。  

這本書有另外三分之一是在描寫另一個作家懷特的書。  我本來以為作者提出懷特養蒼鷹的經驗只是想做一個簡單的對比，對比作者和懷特馴鷹過程的不同。  但是，在經過兩個星期後的沉澱，我覺得不光是這樣。  作家懷特出了一本書描述他自己第一次馴鷹的過程。  這過程實在令我看得很難過，只能用粗暴虐待來形容懷特第一次馴鷹的過程。  我在看得當兒只想把懷特推下懸崖。  作者對懷特的馴鷹一開始主要是引用了一般人對懷特的認識，懷特本身是一個同性戀，當時的英國，同性戀仍是一大禁忌。  而更糟糕的是，懷特自己對自己這個傾向也帶著厭惡。  也因為這樣，他出的這本馴蒼鷹的書，很多人的解讀也是從同性戀壓抑來看。  但是， 我最近想，作者雖也描述了大部分人的看法，但是，作者更看出懷特馴蒼鷹的書其實是真摯地為了馴鷹這份嗜好。  我們看書，是否也因為作者本身是怎樣的，而決定了他的書就是怎樣的？  有趣的是，作者早年看懷特的書，覺得慘不忍睹。  他不了解懷特一個大人為啥把自己馴鷹的失敗寫出來？  大人寫書不都是要教別人怎麼做好一件事嗎？  懷特當年出版馴鷹的書時，也是呈兩極評價。但是現在，作者不再這樣想了。   出版自己失敗的經驗，有時比當作一個專家，專門教導別人，更具實用價值。  

最後，作者提出了一個滿重要的說法。  就是他以前在書上看到人家如何評價蒼鷹，例如說蒼鷹象貴族，蒼鷹象大主教，像一個古埃及的符號。  但是，這些說法只是比喻。  蒼鷹可能象貴族，但是他不是貴族。  他是蒼鷹。  我們人為了要理解這個世界， 往往要派給我們所知道的事物某些意義。  但是這種意義和這些事物本身是不一樣的。  這些意義甚至可能使我們看不清，甚至看不到事物的本質。  

我再節錄一段書裡的文字在此：

"I've learned in my months with Mabel this is the greatest of all: that there is a world of things out there -- rocks and trees and stones and grass and all the things that crawl and run and fly.  They are all things in themselves, but we make them sensible to us by giving them meanings that shore up our own views of the world.  In my time with Mabel I've learned how you feel more human once you have known, even in your imagination, what it is like to be not.  And I have learned, too, the danger that comes in mistaking the wildness that animates it.  Goshawks are things of death and blood and gore, but they are not excuses for atrocities.  Their inhumanity is to be treasured because what they do has nothing to do with us at all.  "  

我和美寶在一起的時光裡， 我學到最寶貴的一課就是： 這個世界充滿了各式各樣的事物，岩石，樹木，石頭，綠草，還有其他會爬會飛會走的各類動物。  他們自成一體，我們為了要了解他們，就賦予了他們各種意義。  但那些意義只是我們各自對這個世界的認知罷了。 和美寶在一起，有時我會想像自己不是人類， 但即使是那樣的幻想裡， 我卻更認識了自己是人類的道理。  也在同一個時間，我也認識到一種危險， 那就是錯把自己幻想成老鷹時好像自己也擁有了老鷹一樣的野性！  蒼鷹是一種帶來死亡與血腥的動物，但是他不應該成為你犯下暴行的藉口。  他們獸性是人類需要尊重的， 因為他們本就不是人啊。  (這個翻譯實在是太爛了)

再補一句話：  SyMontgomery 寫的：

"Our fellow animals teach us lessons about the delights of sameness and difference. They immerse us in wonder. They lead us to humility; they inspire us to reverence. They teach us the many facets of love."

餘音書鈔

 餘音第十九章： 冷戰

「別太任性。 人和人中間的關係，生氣是沒用的。。。」

「我是 『四十九之非，雖知已晚』。 但是我至少是知非的。 我想你最好也能和我的看法一樣。 你爸爸是有不是的。  這樣你會舒服些，好生氣些。 如果有一天我不在，你也可以寬解些。」

這些話都是餘音裡的老爸勸女兒的話。 

這是我第一千篇網誌。  這句子鈔在這裡實在是有點感想的。  尤其是 「人和人中間的關係，生氣是沒用的。」 這句話。  

  

書裡的詩

 餘音，徐鍾珮

作者在第十七章用了一句詩。  我滿喜歡的，去網上查了一下。  更佩服作者把此詩句用在這裡。  

把它抄綠在此：

出自唐代元稹的《遣悲懷三首·其三》

閒坐悲君亦自悲，百年都是幾多時。
鄧攸無子尋知命，潘岳悼亡猶費詞。
同穴窅冥何所望，他生緣會更難期。
惟將終夜常開眼，報答平生未展眉。

注釋
鄧攸：西晉人，字伯道，官河西太守。《晉書·鄧攸傳》載：永嘉末年戰亂中，他舍子保侄，後終無子。
潘岳：西晉人，字安仁，妻死，作《悼亡詩》三首。這兩句寫人生的一切自有命定，暗傷自己無妻無子的命運。
窅冥：音(咬名)； 深暗的樣子。

書摘

 H is for Hawk  excerpt

剛看完這本書。  我借借還還這本書至少三四次。  從來沒看完過第二章。  這次又借了。  借了一個多月後，終於看完了。  我很喜歡裡面講馴鷹的地方。  這本書的主題真的很雜。  我想最重要的是如何度過喪親之痛，再來是馴鷹，最後是作者描述他親手馴鷹的過程裡，他對前人馴鷹的感想和印證。  

這邊摘錄的段落可以看出我最喜歡作者馴鷹的過程。  我掙扎了一段時間才看完這本書實在是因為他寫的喪親之痛實在很沉重。  

Chapter 12

...and as the cover falls my hawk makes a curious, bewitching movement.  She twitches her head to one side then turns it upside down and continues to regard me with the tip of her beak pointing at the ceiling.  I am astonished.  I've seen this head-turning before.  Baby falcons do it when they play.  But goshawk?  Really?  I pull a sheet of paper towards me, tear a long strip from one side, scrunch it into a ball, and offer it to the hawk in my fingers.  She grabs it with her beak.  It crunches.  She likes the sound.  She crunches it again and then lets it drop, turning her head upside down at it hits the floor.  I pick it up and offer it to her again.  She grabs it and bites it very gently over and over again: gnam, gnam, gnam.  She looks like a glove puppet, a Punch and Judy crocoldile.  her eyes are narrowed in bird-laughter.  I am laughing too.  I roll a magazine into a tube and peer at her through it as if it were a telescope.  She ducks her head to look at me through the hole.  She pushes her beak into it as far as it will go, biting the empty air inside.  Putting my mouth to my side of my paper telescope I boom into it: "Hello, Mabel."  She pulls her beak free.  All the feathers on her forehead are raised.  she shakes her tail rapidly from side to side and shivers with happiness.  

An obscure shame grips me.  I had a fixed idea of what a goshawk was, just as those Victorian falconers had, and it was not big enough to hold what goshawk are.  No one told had ever told me goshawks played.  It was not in the books.  I had not imagined it was possible.  I wondered if it was because no one had ever played with them.  The thought made me terribly sad....

-------------------

Chapter 24

...  I have spent my evenings playing with Mabel.  I've made her toys out of paper and tissue and car.  She turns her head upside down, puffs out her chin-feathers, squeaks, picks up the toys in her beak, drops them, and preens.  When I throw her balls of scrunched-up paper she catches them in her beak and tosses them back to me with a flick of her head.  Then she crouches, waiting for me to throw them to her again.  It is as good as it gets.  When I told Stuart I played catch with her for a while he didn't believe me....

------------------

Chapter 30

..."An earthquake."  It was an earthquake...in England...And then I remember Mabel.  I've heard all the stories about animals fleeing from earthquakes.  "Oh, God.  She must be terrified.  I race downstairs, three steps a time, burst through the door and turn on the light in her room.  She is asleep.  She wakes, pulls her head from her mantle-feathers and looks at me with clear eyes.  She's surprised to see me.  She yawns, showing her pink mouth like a cat's and its arrowhead tongue with its black tip.  Her creamy underparts are draped right down over her feet. so only one lemony toe and one carbon-black talon are exposed.  Her other foot is drawn high up at her chest.  She felt the tremors.  And then she went back to sleep, entirely unmoved by the moving earth.  The quake brought no panic, and no fear, no sense of wrongness to her at all.  She's at home with the world.  She's here.  She ducks her head upside down, pleased to see me, shakes her feathers into a fluffy mop of contentment, and then, as I sit with her, she slowly closes her eyes, tucks her head back into her feathers, and sleeps.  She is not a duke, a cardinal, a hieroglyph or a mythological beast, but right now Mabel is more than a hawk.  She feels like a protecting spirit....

隨想

 最近在錄製餘音。  所以甚麼也沒有想說。  

我感覺我愈來愈不會講話了。  心理著實害怕。  但是一點都不知道要怎麼辦。  我心裡真的很害怕。  今天送媽媽去中文聚會所，有人來和我說話，我卻一點都無法回答。  昨天把胡熒阿姨托買的東西送過去，我還滿想聊一聊的， 但是，我講了幾句就知道有點不對勁，我就不怎麼講了。  然後就是聽胡熒阿姨一個人說，我在旁邊應。  最近就連小瑋來講話，我也感覺對的很吃力地應對。  或者是無意識的就走開了。  雖然我事後自己知道這反應是很糟糕的，是我的精神力的下降。  可是我不知道要怎麼辦。  

from where I am standing right now.  There's nothing in the future for me.  I do not understand why I am here.  I feel all contacts right now are either flat lined, or extremely superficial.  But it's not other people's problem.  It's the way I like it.  However, this way brings nothing for me.  I am noting sowing, so  I am not reaping.  I don't want to sow.  So I know I will get nothing in return.  But now I don't know why I want to keep living.  I even feel my speech is gone, I have even less to interact with people.  I just want tok illm yself.  I really do.  There's nothing in front of me.  Bleak darkness, no matter how people treat me with their kindness and love.  I just don't want anything at all.  It used to be a desire.  But now I feel my brain is literally cut off from interacting with people.  Saying hello is hard, looking at other people when talking to them is hard, speaking to people is odd, express myself in any sorts of way is extremely painful.  

I feel only death can bring a swift release.  I just wan toki ll mys elf.  

Wow, it's been quite a while.

 I was driving on the highway today and saw a huge moon hanging low in the sky.  

It was not fully night yet.  

There's still a light yellow hue in the sky.  It looked like,

 that hue was radiant from the moon, which was glowing in light yellow as well.  

The highway went up and down, spiral left and right.  

The woods was almost black, dark profile against the darkening sky.  

Red lights from the tails of those cars in front of me.  It was such a incredible view, 

especially with that huge moon right above the woods.  

餘音讀後小感

 我才讀完餘音，徐鍾珮寫的小說。  他被歸類為抗戰小說。  我可以了解抗戰這個歸類。 但是我覺得這樣歸類會限制了別人對他的印象。  我在看完這本書後，我覺得如果歸類到女性覺醒這一類的小說更合適。  尤其我最近邊看餘音，還邊看他寫的 【我在台北及其他】的集子。  我更有此感覺。  雖說他在 【我在台北及其他】 的序裡說他不很同意女性(或女權)主義(或運動)。  

這本小說裡， 沒有一個合格的男性。  一個都沒有。  也不知道為啥，我寫著寫著腦海裡突然閃過李安的色戒。  那裏面也沒有一個合格的男性。  也許我太苛了，這小說還是有一些還可以的男人(那個被日本軍官殺掉的為村里奔走折衝的先生)。  但是，實在少得可憐。  

但是反過來說，也許這很符合徐鍾珮自己的生 活經歷。  我在想 咪咪看這本書時，也許會有不少同感？  因為都是女校出身。  另外，作者和其他女同學，女朋友，堂表姊妹的緊密關係應該也是現實寫照。  我看到舅媽和他的朋友在一起時，也有類似的感覺。  這點和我看到我媽媽和他的朋友和同學在一起時， 似乎不一樣。  

雖說四個序言都是說這並非徐的自傳。  但是，我感覺他在某方面寫的離自傳很近很近。  

他文字的運用實在是直覺，天成。  我念起來非常之容易。  幾乎沒有文氣，就是所謂的文藝腔。  是那樣的白話，那樣的自然。  有些地方也用了一些吳儂軟語的字詞。  雖說每篇都不長，人物刻劃也是那樣的簡單。  可是卻那樣的深刻。  真正有畫龍點睛之效。  

他寫女兒和父親，他寫女兒和母親正是這樣。  平舖直述，但是到每一個階段的結束，每一個情感的湧出都很真切厚實。  即使到最後，他依然和母親有心結，因著他的描述，我仍是感到他們母女的份量。  

我打算來念這本小說。   我錄了第一章，四頁，修改後大概可以是十分鐘。  本書共三百廿頁有奇。  我估計唸完可能花十三個小時。 我媽很喜歡這本書，我們這本已經四十年了，再不錄下來，這書快散了。  這書裡面提到的重慶精神，我怕以後的書裡很少會有了，就算提了也不能如這書裡所描述的。  雖然作者出此書時，離抗戰已超過十年，但是任何經歷過抗戰的人，那八年恐怕是一輩子刻骨銘心的回憶了。