Random

 I am tired.  No, scrap that.  I am still standing on the same spot for the last 20 years.  

But no man can stand at one place forever.  People around me are changing, and so do I.  Standing on the same spot is true, but like at a spot on a conveyor belt.  

I am sad.  That's a given.  

I am alone.  I hope it's an illusion.  

I am trying to write something.  It seems I have nothing to say.  But I know there's a lot of noise, that I am carefully selecting which one to come out.  Even only I read this, I am still very cautious.  

I used to read somewhere that boring people keeps his eyes on news.  I am like that now.  It's either news, weather, yT, fB, or IG, NBAor P.  I used to frequent a lot of video game content, but since I learned it cost considerable electricity, I stopped it, along with all VG content.  Now if I got nothing to do, I frequent news.  But alas, there's no news.  Just rehashed, dramatized repetition.  

I have a place to play PPingpong now.  Every thursday at seniorcenter.  It's the only regular exercise I do these days.  

When I was at Mascon, I was impressed that Vic did a lot of project of his own after work.  And I told my mom about this.  then I said, how come they all have their things to do but not me.  after all these years, I learned that the problem is myself.  When I am alone, no work, no plan, I would immediately get anxious.  So I will grab anything to fill the void.  First, it's books, then it's movies.  There was video games.  but like my mom said, all those activities do not make me grow.  For I did not learn anything from reading books.  I did not do, and still do not.  My excuse is always this: I need a concrete plan before I act.  But through these years of many jobs, I learned one thing, a lot of business are merely trials and errors, and grit and grind it for a long time, and luck not to fail the first year.  Although I still say, a plan is still needed.  But without taking the first step, I can't even plan.  

My mother kept telling me her own experience after my father past away almost 30 years ago.  She said she suddenly felt utterly alone.  And she's still alone nowadays.  I know I am scared, but I keep wondering if I am really depressed.  Yeah, I am still trying to find excuses.  I said she's alone, because I am far away from doing what I am supposed to do.  I now know that both my mom and my sister look at things far better and clearer than I am.  I thought if I could hold on a job, I am not disabled.  But I have to agree with them now, I am disabled.  

I am feeling very inadequate, frustrated, dejected, depressed, and anger is building up.  My mom does not need me to take care of her, maybe now a little.  but that's really is due to her deterioration through years of not enough social contact, which she really craves.  And I, I now realize, more than half of the time is depressed.  I don't contact people, when I do, it's not working.  How do I know I am depressed?  Half of my waking hours are used to watch funny clips of past shows.  All of them are comedy.  I can immediately tell you it's a sign of depression, plus no social contact.  Nada, zip.  I was working whole day today.  and yet, I talk to people no more than 10 sentences.  When I got home, I went for a walk, back to have dinner, then lying on bed watch funny clips.  My mom was alone down stairs.  Later, right before her bed time, she came up so I said let's go watch some yT downstairs.  We did not watch much.  There's nothing on it interesting.  

When I was younger, my mom led my sis and I through a lot of activities.  She talked to me when I was frustrated, when I was frustrated, I don't talk.  She tried to lead.  Even now, she still try.  But I came out empty.  I am at a spot on a conveyor belt, and so was my brain.