隨想

 最近在錄製餘音。  所以甚麼也沒有想說。  

我感覺我愈來愈不會講話了。  心理著實害怕。  但是一點都不知道要怎麼辦。  我心裡真的很害怕。  今天送媽媽去中文聚會所，有人來和我說話，我卻一點都無法回答。  昨天把胡熒阿姨托買的東西送過去，我還滿想聊一聊的， 但是，我講了幾句就知道有點不對勁，我就不怎麼講了。  然後就是聽胡熒阿姨一個人說，我在旁邊應。  最近就連小瑋來講話，我也感覺對的很吃力地應對。  或者是無意識的就走開了。  雖然我事後自己知道這反應是很糟糕的，是我的精神力的下降。  可是我不知道要怎麼辦。  

from where I am standing right now.  There's nothing in the future for me.  I do not understand why I am here.  I feel all contacts right now are either flat lined, or extremely superficial.  But it's not other people's problem.  It's the way I like it.  However, this way brings nothing for me.  I am noting sowing, so  I am not reaping.  I don't want to sow.  So I know I will get nothing in return.  But now I don't know why I want to keep living.  I even feel my speech is gone, I have even less to interact with people.  I just want tok illm yself.  I really do.  There's nothing in front of me.  Bleak darkness, no matter how people treat me with their kindness and love.  I just don't want anything at all.  It used to be a desire.  But now I feel my brain is literally cut off from interacting with people.  Saying hello is hard, looking at other people when talking to them is hard, speaking to people is odd, express myself in any sorts of way is extremely painful.  

I feel only death can bring a swift release.  I just wan toki ll mys elf.