Don't say I don't know

When I say I don't know, it does not always meant I really don't know. On the contrary, it was said too much too often, it became a defense mechanic for me. I will even say "I don't know" to myself! There is something hidden. Something I could not even face myself. When at one point in life started to get sour, everything behind that point seemed sour. When I searched for the reason of my present condition, I always came up empty. But the simple truth was I was crazy about a girl. I could not muster enough courage to ask her out. I had to make up reasons, variety of them, to comfort myself. I debated myself, I love her, I love her not, what a central ego maniac it is. I did not really know her. I was very much afraid of rejection. However, what if she said yes to my proposal? I was too short, I was ugly, I was not smart enough, I lacked everything to give her a happy life. To love somebody was to provide them the best in everything, make them happy, satisfied, secured. All of which, I did not see myself as being able to provide. After that, I looked many people around me, I found them tall, handsome, smart, charming, kind, strong. So many great people. Why bother her with myself? But fear of rejection was humongous as well. I doubted I could face that. I am very much one minded. When I set my mind on something at first, I want to try it out. Everything else seemed trivial. If I got rejected, what would happen to my self esteem? lol!!!!!!!! I now know that girl is married. I am very happy for her. I feel sad too. I never really though anything could happen between her and I. But the want for comfort and caress is increasing. The rejection for that want is growing correspondingly. I am restless. It is a terrible reason for being in my present state. I so wish I have the ability to entertain, satisfy, and protect a girl. I so wish to feel the love. and I so wish to love. I am afraid of everyone. When I see a child, I feel they are passing me and going beyond. When I see a girl, I feel a longing to get close, at the same time, trying to keep distance as far as possible, no eye contact, no talk, no nothing. When I see a guy, I am afraid, I feel they are all tall, big, smart, strong, funny, charming. And me, sitting on a shady road, where I could not see beyond three feet, watching all the people pass me by. My mother is trying to drag me along but without any success. Every time I consider the question of what I want. I always said I don't know. But in truth, the only thing I want is to be able to love a girl, I want to make her laugh, I want to make her feel secure, I want to make love to her, I want to cherish every moment together with her. Along with my mother being proud, my cats healthy, and my sister less trouble. I love her. I miss her. I felt she tried to make a conversation with me. But I was not talkable. Every time I saw her, we said hi, then we parted. I wished to hold her in my arms. I feel sad. I am confused. I don't love her. I never loved anybody. Love is an effort, which I never really spend. I never loved, I never love. This is just another reason I am trying to draw for my present condition.