費柏門一家 觀後感

 theFablemans afterthought

我昨晚看了史蒂芬。史匹柏的費柏門一家。  兩個小時半的電影，看起來是一點都不費力。  史導演雕塑電影的能力在這部電影裡很完美的呈現出來。  選角，音樂，攝影，劇本結合在一起，沒有一絲尷尬。  

但是，我要到現在才稍微想到一些東西來說。  

我覺得電影裡有一種極度的渴望，渴望去原諒。  原諒了沒，我覺得不重要，而是從沒有放棄那種渴望。  而且，原諒甚麼，我也不知道。  

電影裡有一些地方我得承認我沒有看懂。  有些對話，我搞不清出他們在講甚麼。  恐怕還得再看一遍。  像是電影後段， 高中欺負他的校園明星，最後跟他說的話，我不懂他們在說啥。  

我在 拯救萊恩大兵的採訪中，已經聽過史導演自己描述幼時在亞利桑那州，自己想法子拍戰爭片的事情。  現在在電影裡看到覺得很是有趣。  另外， 我發現史導演的很多部電影真的就像是把自己的童年重新拿出翻騰。  像是我很喜歡他的 super8，和這部電影有許多類似的地方。  但是這一部或許更是他的勇氣之作，因為之前的作品可以用科幻，象徵，或者冒險來遠離事實。  但是這一部，卻是相反。  而且，他描述的主題是他最親的兩個人， 我覺得真是不可思議。  

這部費柏門一家已是我最近一年裡看的第三部大導演拍攝自已童年的故事的電影了。  之前的兩部是羅馬 (Roma, by alfonsoCuraon), 貝爾法斯特(Belfast, by kennethBranahg).  每一部都很好看。  羅馬需要一點耐性就是了。  

詩鈔

 送別

席慕蓉

不是所有的夢   都來得及實現
不是所有的話   都來的及告訴你
疚恨總要深植在別離後的心中
儘管   他們說
世間種種最後終必成空
我並不是故意要錯過
可是   我一直都在這樣做
錯過那花滿枝椏的昨日
又要錯過今朝
今朝仍要重複那相同的別離
餘生將成陌路   一去千里
在暮靄裡向你深深俯著
請為我珍重
儘管   他們說
世間種種最後終必   終必成空

在看完您好，母親大人，這是最後一集最後面的的一首詩。  

嘗試翻譯，然後一點感想

H is for Hawk 

"...and as the cover falls my hawk makes a curious, bewitching movement.  She twitches her head to one side then

當書的封面落下時，我的老鷹做了一個可愛的動作。  他把他的頭一直歪向一邊，

 turns it upside down and continues to regard me with the tip of her beak pointing at the ceiling.  I am astonished. 

幾乎要把頭整個倒過來，鳥嘴尖幾乎朝著天花板，但是兩眼卻始終沒有離開我。  我吃了一驚。

 I've seen this head-turning before.  Baby falcons do it when they play.  But goshawk?  Really?  I pull a sheet of

我看過這種現象，那是雛鷹想玩時的動作。  但蒼鷹也想玩？ 搞錯了吧？！  我拿一張

 paper towards me, tear a long strip from one side, scrunch it into a ball, and offer it to the hawk in my fingers. 

紙，撕成長條，揉成一個球狀，用手指拿到蒼鷹的面前。

 She grabs it with her beak.  It crunches.  She likes the sound.  She crunches it again and then lets it drop, turning

他用喙把紙團叼過去。  紙團在他的嘴裡壓出聲響。  他喜歡這聲音。  他再咬一口然後就放開了紙團，讓紙團掉到地上去。

 her head upside down as it hits the floor.  I pick it up and offer it to her again.  She grabs it and bites it very gently

然後他再一次的把頭倒轉過來。  我撿起了紙團又遞給他。  這次他叼過去，輕輕咬啊咬的：   

 over and over again: gnam, gnam, gnam.  She looks like a glove puppet, a Punch and Judy crocoldile.  her eyes

發出咂吧咂吧的聲音。  他看起來好像一個布袋戲裡的布袋娃娃， 一個 胖曲和奺笛的鱷魚娃娃。  他瞇著眼居然

 are narrowed in bird-laughter.  I am laughing too.  I roll a magazine into a tube and peer at her through it as if it

笑出聲來。  我也被他逗笑了。  我把一本雜誌捲起來像個管子，然後把眼睛從管子裡望向他

 were a telescope.  She ducks her head to look at me through the hole.  She pushes her beak into it as far as it

，模仿一個望遠鏡。  他低下頭也同我一樣，從管子的另一端望向我。  接著他把鳥嘴盡量向前伸入管子裡，

 will go, biting the empty air inside.  Putting my mouth to my side of my paper telescope I boom into it: "Hello,

好像在管子裡試著咬著假想的東西。  我也把我的嘴湊上了管子，向裡面說 「哈囉，

 Mabel."  She pulls her beak free.  All the feathers on her forehead are raised.  she shakes her tail rapidly from side to side and shivers with happiness.  

美寶。」 管子裡的聲音共鳴著。  他迅速地抽出他的喙。  他前額的所有羽毛都豎起來了。  他快速地左右擺動他的尾巴，身體可以看到快樂的顫抖。  

An obscure shame grips me.  I had a fixed idea of what a goshawk was, just as those Victorian falconers had, and it was not big enough to hold what goshawk are.  No one had ever told me goshawks played.  It was not in the books.  I had not imagined it was possible.  I wondered if it was because no one had ever played with them.  The thought made me terribly sad...."

一股莫名的羞愧襲上我。  我以前對蒼鷹的舊有印象一直都和維多利亞時代的馴鷹人一樣。  這印象猶如井底之蛙，根本不能抓住蒼鷹的全部面貌。  從沒有一個人跟我說蒼鷹也愛玩。  沒有一本書提到過。  我從沒想過這種可能。  我猜會不會是從來沒有人和他們玩。  這種想法讓我很難過。。。

-----------------------------------------------------------

我看完這本書已經是兩星期前了吧。  卻總還是想著這本書。  我覺得這一段其實是一整本書最重要的地方。  一整本書的轉折點，也是一整本書的中心主題。  這書的作者養蒼鷹的目的有一部份是因為蒼鷹的名聲很兇悍，是一種極其難馴的鷹種。  他早年學馴鷹的時候，從不敢去碰的。  但現在因為喪父，心情惡劣到，只想遠離人群，和一隻兇悍蒼鷹生活。  希望可以藉著這隻鷹，使自己忘記過去也不要想到未來。  

他從小對鷹就情有獨鍾，立志要當個馴鷹人。  因此他從小就嗜讀有關馴鷹的書。  歐洲自從十字軍東征後，和阿拉伯文化有了接觸，就開始有了馴鷹的習慣。  而蒼鷹，更是屬於歐洲貴族的專屬，因為要野放蒼鷹的時候需要很大的場地。  也因為有如此長的歷史，很早就有歐洲人把馴鷹的事寫成了書。  作者經常舉例的書裡，就有十七，十八，和十九世紀維多利亞時代的書。  很多這些書對蒼鷹的描述都是兇悍，嗜血， 鬧脾氣，不馴。  

但是當作者開始真正馴養蒼鷹時，卻發現了許多書裡所沒有提到的事情。  我節錄的這一段，就是一個對蒼鷹有新認識的起點。  

這本書有另外三分之一是在描寫另一個作家懷特的書。  我本來以為作者提出懷特養蒼鷹的經驗只是想做一個簡單的對比，對比作者和懷特馴鷹過程的不同。  但是，在經過兩個星期後的沉澱，我覺得不光是這樣。  作家懷特出了一本書描述他自己第一次馴鷹的過程。  這過程實在令我看得很難過，只能用粗暴虐待來形容懷特第一次馴鷹的過程。  我在看得當兒只想把懷特推下懸崖。  作者對懷特的馴鷹一開始主要是引用了一般人對懷特的認識，懷特本身是一個同性戀，當時的英國，同性戀仍是一大禁忌。  而更糟糕的是，懷特自己對自己這個傾向也帶著厭惡。  也因為這樣，他出的這本馴蒼鷹的書，很多人的解讀也是從同性戀壓抑來看。  但是， 我最近想，作者雖也描述了大部分人的看法，但是，作者更看出懷特馴蒼鷹的書其實是真摯地為了馴鷹這份嗜好。  我們看書，是否也因為作者本身是怎樣的，而決定了他的書就是怎樣的？  有趣的是，作者早年看懷特的書，覺得慘不忍睹。  他不了解懷特一個大人為啥把自己馴鷹的失敗寫出來？  大人寫書不都是要教別人怎麼做好一件事嗎？  懷特當年出版馴鷹的書時，也是呈兩極評價。但是現在，作者不再這樣想了。   出版自己失敗的經驗，有時比當作一個專家，專門教導別人，更具實用價值。  

最後，作者提出了一個滿重要的說法。  就是他以前在書上看到人家如何評價蒼鷹，例如說蒼鷹象貴族，蒼鷹象大主教，像一個古埃及的符號。  但是，這些說法只是比喻。  蒼鷹可能象貴族，但是他不是貴族。  他是蒼鷹。  我們人為了要理解這個世界， 往往要派給我們所知道的事物某些意義。  但是這種意義和這些事物本身是不一樣的。  這些意義甚至可能使我們看不清，甚至看不到事物的本質。  

我再節錄一段書裡的文字在此：

"I've learned in my months with Mabel this is the greatest of all: that there is a world of things out there -- rocks and trees and stones and grass and all the things that crawl and run and fly.  They are all things in themselves, but we make them sensible to us by giving them meanings that shore up our own views of the world.  In my time with Mabel I've learned how you feel more human once you have known, even in your imagination, what it is like to be not.  And I have learned, too, the danger that comes in mistaking the wildness that animates it.  Goshawks are things of death and blood and gore, but they are not excuses for atrocities.  Their inhumanity is to be treasured because what they do has nothing to do with us at all.  "  

再補一句話：  SyMontgomery 寫的：

"Our fellow animals teach us lessons about the delights of sameness and difference. They immerse us in wonder. They lead us to humility; they inspire us to reverence. They teach us the many facets of love."

餘音書鈔

 餘音第十九章： 冷戰

「別太任性。 人和人中間的關係，生氣是沒用的。。。」

「我是 『四十九之非，雖知已晚』。 但是我至少是知非的。 我想你最好也能和我的看法一樣。 你爸爸是有不是的。  這樣你會舒服些，好生氣些。 如果有一天我不在，你也可以寬解些。」

這些話都是餘音裡的老爸勸女兒的話。 

這是我第一千篇網誌。  這句子鈔在這裡實在是有點感想的。  尤其是 「人和人中間的關係，生氣是沒用的。」 這句話。  

  

書裡的詩

 餘音，徐鍾珮

作者在第十七章用了一句詩。  我滿喜歡的，去網上查了一下。  更佩服作者把此詩句用在這裡。  

把它抄綠在此：

出自唐代元稹的《遣悲懷三首·其三》

閒坐悲君亦自悲，百年都是幾多時。
鄧攸無子尋知命，潘岳悼亡猶費詞。
同穴窅冥何所望，他生緣會更難期。
惟將終夜常開眼，報答平生未展眉。

注釋
鄧攸：西晉人，字伯道，官河西太守。《晉書·鄧攸傳》載：永嘉末年戰亂中，他舍子保侄，後終無子。
潘岳：西晉人，字安仁，妻死，作《悼亡詩》三首。這兩句寫人生的一切自有命定，暗傷自己無妻無子的命運。
窅冥：音(咬名)； 深暗的樣子。

書摘

 H is for Hawk  excerpt

剛看完這本書。  我借借還還這本書至少三四次。  從來沒看完過第二章。  這次又借了。  借了一個多月後，終於看完了。  我很喜歡裡面講馴鷹的地方。  這本書的主題真的很雜。  我想最重要的是如何度過喪親之痛，再來是馴鷹，最後是作者描述他親手馴鷹的過程裡，他對前人馴鷹的感想和印證。  

這邊摘錄的段落可以看出我最喜歡作者馴鷹的過程。  我掙扎了一段時間才看完這本書實在是因為他寫的喪親之痛實在很沉重。  

Chapter 12

...and as the cover falls my hawk makes a curious, bewitching movement.  She twitches her head to one side then turns it upside down and continues to regard me with the tip of her beak pointing at the ceiling.  I am astonished.  I've seen this head-turning before.  Baby falcons do it when they play.  But goshawk?  Really?  I pull a sheet of paper towards me, tear a long strip from one side, scrunch it into a ball, and offer it to the hawk in my fingers.  She grabs it with her beak.  It crunches.  She likes the sound.  She crunches it again and then lets it drop, turning her head upside down at it hits the floor.  I pick it up and offer it to her again.  She grabs it and bites it very gently over and over again: gnam, gnam, gnam.  She looks like a glove puppet, a Punch and Judy crocoldile.  her eyes are narrowed in bird-laughter.  I am laughing too.  I roll a magazine into a tube and peer at her through it as if it were a telescope.  She ducks her head to look at me through the hole.  She pushes her beak into it as far as it will go, biting the empty air inside.  Putting my mouth to my side of my paper telescope I boom into it: "Hello, Mabel."  She pulls her beak free.  All the feathers on her forehead are raised.  she shakes her tail rapidly from side to side and shivers with happiness.  

An obscure shame grips me.  I had a fixed idea of what a goshawk was, just as those Victorian falconers had, and it was not big enough to hold what goshawk are.  No one told had ever told me goshawks played.  It was not in the books.  I had not imagined it was possible.  I wondered if it was because no one had ever played with them.  The thought made me terribly sad....

-------------------

Chapter 24

...  I have spent my evenings playing with Mabel.  I've made her toys out of paper and tissue and car.  She turns her head upside down, puffs out her chin-feathers, squeaks, picks up the toys in her beak, drops them, and preens.  When I throw her balls of scrunched-up paper she catches them in her beak and tosses them back to me with a flick of her head.  Then she crouches, waiting for me to throw them to her again.  It is as good as it gets.  When I told Stuart I played catch with her for a while he didn't believe me....

------------------

Chapter 30

..."An earthquake."  It was an earthquake...in England...And then I remember Mabel.  I've heard all the stories about animals fleeing from earthquakes.  "Oh, God.  She must be terrified.  I race downstairs, three steps a time, burst through the door and turn on the light in her room.  She is asleep.  She wakes, pulls her head from her mantle-feathers and looks at me with clear eyes.  She's surprised to see me.  She yawns, showing her pink mouth like a cat's and its arrowhead tongue with its black tip.  Her creamy underparts are draped right down over her feet. so only one lemony toe and one carbon-black talon are exposed.  Her other foot is drawn high up at her chest.  She felt the tremors.  And then she went back to sleep, entirely unmoved by the moving earth.  The quake brought no panic, and no fear, no sense of wrongness to her at all.  She's at home with the world.  She's here.  She ducks her head upside down, pleased to see me, shakes her feathers into a fluffy mop of contentment, and then, as I sit with her, she slowly closes her eyes, tucks her head back into her feathers, and sleeps.  She is not a duke, a cardinal, a hieroglyph or a mythological beast, but right now Mabel is more than a hawk.  She feels like a protecting spirit....

隨想

 最近在錄製餘音。  所以甚麼也沒有想說。  

我感覺我愈來愈不會講話了。  心理著實害怕。  但是一點都不知道要怎麼辦。  我心裡真的很害怕。  今天送媽媽去中文聚會所，有人來和我說話，我卻一點都無法回答。  昨天把胡熒阿姨托買的東西送過去，我還滿想聊一聊的， 但是，我講了幾句就知道有點不對勁，我就不怎麼講了。  然後就是聽胡熒阿姨一個人說，我在旁邊應。  最近就連小瑋來講話，我也感覺對的很吃力地應對。  或者是無意識的就走開了。  雖然我事後自己知道這反應是很糟糕的，是我的精神力的下降。  可是我不知道要怎麼辦。  

from where I am standing right now.  There's nothing in the future for me.  I do not understand why I am here.  I feel all contacts right now are either flat lined, or extremely superficial.  But it's not other people's problem.  It's the way I like it.  However, this way brings nothing for me.  I am noting sowing, so  I am not reaping.  I don't want to sow.  So I know I will get nothing in return.  But now I don't know why I want to keep living.  I even feel my speech is gone, I have even less to interact with people.  I just want tok illm yself.  I really do.  There's nothing in front of me.  Bleak darkness, no matter how people treat me with their kindness and love.  I just don't want anything at all.  It used to be a desire.  But now I feel my brain is literally cut off from interacting with people.  Saying hello is hard, looking at other people when talking to them is hard, speaking to people is odd, express myself in any sorts of way is extremely painful.  

I feel only death can bring a swift release.  I just wan toki ll mys elf.  

Wow, it's been quite a while.

 I was driving on the highway today and saw a huge moon hanging low in the sky.  

It was not fully night yet.  

There's still a light yellow hue in the sky.  It looked like,

 that hue was radiant from the moon, which was glowing in light yellow as well.  

The highway went up and down, spiral left and right.  

The woods was almost black, dark profile against the darkening sky.  

Red lights from the tails of those cars in front of me.  It was such a incredible view, 

especially with that huge moon right above the woods.  

餘音讀後小感

 我才讀完餘音，徐鍾珮寫的小說。  他被歸類為抗戰小說。  我可以了解抗戰這個歸類。 但是我覺得這樣歸類會限制了別人對他的印象。  我在看完這本書後，我覺得如果歸類到女性覺醒這一類的小說更合適。  尤其我最近邊看餘音，還邊看他寫的 【我在台北及其他】的集子。  我更有此感覺。  雖說他在 【我在台北及其他】 的序裡說他不很同意女性(或女權)主義(或運動)。  

這本小說裡， 沒有一個合格的男性。  一個都沒有。  也不知道為啥，我寫著寫著腦海裡突然閃過李安的色戒。  那裏面也沒有一個合格的男性。  也許我太苛了，這小說還是有一些還可以的男人(那個被日本軍官殺掉的為村里奔走折衝的先生)。  但是，實在少得可憐。  

但是反過來說，也許這很符合徐鍾珮自己的生 活經歷。  我在想 咪咪看這本書時，也許會有不少同感？  因為都是女校出身。  另外，作者和其他女同學，女朋友，堂表姊妹的緊密關係應該也是現實寫照。  我看到舅媽和他的朋友在一起時，也有類似的感覺。  這點和我看到我媽媽和他的朋友和同學在一起時， 似乎不一樣。  

雖說四個序言都是說這並非徐的自傳。  但是，我感覺他在某方面寫的離自傳很近很近。  

他文字的運用實在是直覺，天成。  我念起來非常之容易。  幾乎沒有文氣，就是所謂的文藝腔。  是那樣的白話，那樣的自然。  有些地方也用了一些吳儂軟語的字詞。  雖說每篇都不長，人物刻劃也是那樣的簡單。  可是卻那樣的深刻。  真正有畫龍點睛之效。  

他寫女兒和父親，他寫女兒和母親正是這樣。  平舖直述，但是到每一個階段的結束，每一個情感的湧出都很真切厚實。  即使到最後，他依然和母親有心結，因著他的描述，我仍是感到他們母女的份量。  

我打算來念這本小說。   我錄了第一章，四頁，修改後大概可以是十分鐘。  本書共三百廿頁有奇。  我估計唸完可能花十三個小時。 我媽很喜歡這本書，我們這本已經四十年了，再不錄下來，這書快散了。  這書裡面提到的重慶精神，我怕以後的書裡很少會有了，就算提了也不能如這書裡所描述的。  雖然作者出此書時，離抗戰已超過十年，但是任何經歷過抗戰的人，那八年恐怕是一輩子刻骨銘心的回憶了。  

first time in 26 years

It's not my first time went to Cape Cod in 26 years.  But considering the last time I went, I did not go anywhere, except my sis' wedding.  

My sister told us she already planned a trip to Cape Cod 2 weeks ago.  But then my mom had an SI joint pain last week which causes her lots of discomfort and severely dampened her ability to walk.  Before last Saturday, we still hope she could go.  I told my sis to persuade her, for I believe my sis is good at getting my mom's attention.  For a while, Mom said she will go.  But we did a trial run to Costco last Friday.  Then after we came back, we went out to deliver a mail to mail box.  Next day though, on Saturday morning, she was so tired, she lied in bed past 7:30 am which rarely happened for her.  So we decided she could not go.  Because if she went and walked too much, I am afraid it would impede her recovery.  

 

This is really not good for her morale.  But she really needed her rest.  

--------------------------

My sis rented an AirB&B.  We had a whole cape to us.  The place is at brewster.  The first night we had a welcome to cape cod rally, by ordering a pizza for over $30.  We were all shocked, but PQ almost choked.  :p  The pizza was really good, though I doubted I'd order it in a normal circumstance.  

The next few day, my sis made breakfast for us.  Because originally we planned with mom being here, we brought a lot of stuff to prepare for meal.  I brought a Costco's rotisseries chicken, mom made chicken liver and heart, along with nuts, fruits...  My sis brought eggs, cheese, salads, and many other stuff.  She's an excellent cook. we had lots of eggs, scrambled, steamed next day, with croissants and salad.  She's crunching how much proteins we have...  Very professional.  

-------------------------

Provincetown

We went to Provincetown, although brewster is on the same cape cod location with provincetown, it took us 40 minutes to get there.  We went to their Race point beach.  A lot of biking trails.  There are quite a few people renting the E-bike from P-town Downtown and biked there.  My sis wanted to try but could not, we ran out of time in the end.   The beach was very big, but not a lot of people.  That's the purpose though, my sis and her hubby always planned this trip to avoid peak tourist season.  The water was so clear.  The sand was nice too.  I wore slippers most of the trip.  It was fun.  I stood in the water, but a lot of people were staying dry.  The best surprise was that there's a seal swimming very close to the shore, not more than 20 feet.   It's like a performance, he showed us how to eat fish with no hands.  His relaxed attitude draw everybody's attention, including a puppy shepherd's dog.  He's so relaxed, swimming anywhere he wanted.  And there're seagulls above him trying to score some leftover.  There're also a few seals nearby, but they never put their heads out of water.  

Later, we went to the downtown.  The street we went directly was commercial street.  And it was a mistake.  It was crowded and narrow.  PQ fled, and my sis looked up the internet found some local advice to went the east side of comm. st.  to find parking by the street.  Then we basically walked from the residential area to the downtown.  It already long past the lunch time, PQ was in a hurry to eat.  They discussed, and googled, and discussed, and walked some more.  PQ had a restaurant in mind, but when we got there, the price was insane.  So onward we went, went past the memorial tower.  And found theCanteen.  There we had some sandwiches.    It was not bad.  I had their classic fish sandwich, good portion and generous pickles and coleslaws.  On the way back, we hit very few stores.  I guess we were tired.  

--------------------------------

CapeCod Rail Trail

The next day, we went for the Cape Cod Rail Trail.  But because we went to provincetown the day before.  We decided to go opposite direction, towards yarmouth.          It was probably the flattest rail trail?  Although other rail trails were quite flat as well, however, I think I could stay in the highest gear and ran though most of the road.  Maybe the other direction would be different.  But it's also very very nice.  Because on other rail trails, there're always some industrial setting.  Not here.  It's surrounded by nature.  And there're lakes along the way, you could sit and just watch, or even swimming in them!  The one impressed me was the SheepPond for there are only few people, mostly elderly.  And a pair of them just went into the lake and start swimming.  Upon seeing this, PQ said when my sis tried to teach him to swim, they did not have any gears, my sis just told him to kick the legs in the water.  It was kind hilarious.  He kept complaining there're no equipment when he was being taught.  Because that elder gentlemen had a floating device, not for swimming, but for safety.  But the lady had nothing.  

PQ and my sis used e-scooters for the whole trail.  I used my bike.  My sis rode the bike for a while, she really enjoyed it.  The e-scooter was quite fun and it could get quite fast.  PQ even had his own setup with cellphone holder.  But it broke loose during the trip.   We used my car to go the nickerson state park to transport both e-scooter and my bike.  I gotta say, if honda did not pick up the element beacon, somebody else should...  

Hyannis

We went to Hyannis next in the afternoon.  This time, PQ immediately signaled for lunch.  Though it's still a bit late, but he's not as agitated after lunch.  We had a lunch at an Italian restaurant, alberto's.  The way to the town was kind industrial, and at the beginning, we saw some for rental, for lease sign.  But once the in the downtown. Hyannis was not bad.  Not as busy and bustling as P-town.  Almost like some description from internet, kind sleepy.  But we really liked it.  We came here to see something related to kennedy family.  There we went, a korean war veteran memorial park, and a long beach, littered with broken shells and birds poop.  But eventually, it's a leather hand craft store impressed us more than anything.  lol  

-----------------------------

Chatham

I wanted to see sunrise at cape cod.  initially i wanted to go the dune sand at provincetown.  But it was a 40 minutes ride, my sis reminded me.  So I googled a little, i decided to go to chatham.  There's a lighthouse there.  It was always weird to go and do anything alone. Get up took sometimes.  But I'd woken up at 5 for a quite while now.  On the way there,  I  can't imagine going there without GPS.  Even if I looked up on the map, I felt I still need to powerful flashlight to see the road signs...  

The chatham dt was quite impressive, almost like p-town, even in the darkness.  But I'd say it's bigger, and more elaborate, probably more high end as well.  

There's a 30 min parking lot across the lighthouse.  The post said it's one of the best place to watch sunrise.  I was lucky.  But not that lucky.  Because the cloud covered 3/4 of the sky, especially where sky met the ocean.  I stepped out and glad I wore enough clothes.  But still got mosquito bites.  There were a few cars already.  an older gentleman went past me and asked would we able to see the sun today.  I said, hopefully.  under the parking lot was actually a beach with lots of marshes.   Scattered boats, I guess they are fishing boats, sail by the beach.  It was quite a sight.  Then I hear seagulls dropping clams on the asphalt road.  They kept doing it.  Interesting.  

I went down to the beach.  It was the best I've touched in cape cod.  clean, not much shells, no bird poops.  But early morning sands were very cool to the touch.  

The sun eventually hid himself behind the cloud.  We could not see much there.  So I headed back.  They were still sleeping.  That's good.  

Falmouth

The last day of the trip.  Falmouth was also where PQ and my sis' wedding took place.  A special location for them.  But for me, besides the prime ribs during the reception, Falmouth did not leave anything in my memory.   

We went to an estate called highfield hall.  The mansion was quite big, and the interior was impressive.  The garden outside was also managed well.  It contained a web of trails behind the facility.  But it was okay.  

After that we went to anejo, a mexican restaurant.  It was not bad.  But I think my sis was more impressed, her order of mussels were awesome, according to her.  PQ's order was very fulfilling, to the point he could not finish it by himself.  I helped out some.  Then we walked around downtown area.  It was more established than Hyannis, not as touristic as P-town.  My sis said well, Falmouth downtown reminded her of lexington.   After a 15 minutes, we went the famous lighthouse, where they took their wedding photos.  I wanted to leave early, hoping to escape the traffic.  But I'd never seen their photo shoot.  I should go for a look.  It was a long and winding road to get there.  But they were doing construction there at this time.  We could only take some pictures on the outside.  

Then we were on the way home.  

-----------------------------------------

PQ and my sis always prepared well for their trips.  PQ brough video games and fire sticks to watch shows on youtube.  we played mario party the first night, that series is always addictive, even my sis liked it.  PQ dies and lives with video games, almost like it's his blood.  one of the best memories from his childhood.  Then the next day, we watched a movie and their shows.  the last night I played TNT and Bubble bubble with PQ, they were old video games, probably what they called 8 bit or 16 bit games.  It was fun, but PQ was awesome in those games.  I really think video game trained his vision so well, that when we were on the trail, he can always spot some things, me and my sis cannot catch in the move.  

---------------------------------------

i called mom during those days.  But I can feel her feeling down.  I don't know, maybe it's still better to bring her along?  She finished reading a book she loved during her young adults era.  This is a book she said the typing was too small for he to read.  

Book afterthought

 最近看了一本書叫做 ， The hidden life of dogs， 作者 ElizabethMarshallThomas。

在看完第三到四章時，我很想放掉不看了。  因為裡面有一個故事實在很令人難過。  但我還是耐著性子看完了。  最終章卻也讓我慶幸自己沒有放棄。  

這是一位人類學家把他家裡養的一大群狗的故事和觀察寫成的一本書。  他的筆觸很平淡，很實在。  也正因如此， 有許多敘述的筆調， 往往沒有任何修飾，那個令我想放棄讀這本書的地方是正是因為這種赤裸裸的感覺。  讀完這本書時，這種筆調卻令我感覺非常真實，作者的想法，感受， 情感。  沒有一絲交揉做作。  有淡淡的感傷，卻沒有過度的悲情。  也因為這份真，才可以感到這本小書的重量。  

每當我想起那隻聖伯納犬被關在牢籠裡，等待著死亡，令我有說不出的恐懼和焦慮。  養寵物真的很需要時間，陪伴他們，和他們玩，和他們互動。  現在對養貓的人有種說法叫做， 【貓奴】。  實在很對。  如果你沒有時間，實在是不應該養的。  

作者養狗的方式滿特別的。  但那也是因為他當時有這種環境，又剛好碰上了哈士奇這樣的狗。  他也養著兩隻哈巴狗，但是那不是他這本書的對象。  他主要的對象是兩隻哈士奇和他們的後代，還有一隻丁狗【Dingo】。  做為一個人類學家，他希望的是可以在現代人盡量避免影響部落民族的可能下，去做研究。  他對於他的這群狗，也是持同樣的態度。  他當然也會帶他們去看獸醫，和保持他們的基本安全。  但除此之外， 盡量不去訓練他的狗。  所以那些狗並不會很聽話。  在這個過程裡，作者發現他的狗會自動訓練下一代，或者外來者。  所以都不需要擔心上廁所和保持清潔的基本行為。  很有趣的是，那個時候的 Cambridge, MA，還可以讓家狗到處溜達。  雖說，之後也有規定要有繩子，狗才能上街。  作者有一隻寄養的哈士奇，這隻哈士奇很喜歡自己出去逛街，作者一開始很好奇這隻狗到底地去了哪？ 於是他就不牽繩子，自己一陸跟過去看。  就像現在有人會給貓戴上錄影機，看看自家的貓咪都到哪兒去晃了。  從這裡， 作者開始做他的研究。  

這裡的書名有一個 Hidden，因為作者所描述的狗群，是一群總共由七八條狗所組成的廣大群體。  在這個群體裏，狗用他們天生的語言和溝通方式過日子。  作者也就藉著這個機會，來觀察研究。  這個隱藏的秘密也不僅僅是他所觀察到的狗和狗之間的肢體語言。  而是如果狗兒能夠自由選擇，他們所學習到的事物，他們所重視的價值， 他們自然的好惡，這些才是他重視的地方。  

這書真的很短，描述的東西似乎也不複雜。  因為對於中國人來說， 狗有無 Conscious 【意識】，應該不是一個具有爭議性的事。  他們當然有意識。  如果沒有意識，那不就是昏迷了就是死了。  但是，這個意識的問題，卻似乎在歐烏的學術裡有很大的爭議性。 所有我看過有關動物行為學的書，其實都圍繞的這個主題， 也就是除了人以外其他動物到底有無意識。   這裡面似乎有很多基督教的影響。  因為我感覺寫這種書的作者， 他們都志在打擊這個他們認為是基督教來的想法，就是除了人以外的動物，都是沒有 conscious 的。  

仔細想來，莊子和惠施在橋上的辯論裡似乎也有類似的意思。  莊子說橋下的魚在河裡很快活，惠施不以為然。  我們怎麼能知道其他動物的想法？  但是， 歐烏的學者，在十九世紀時有一派認為其他動物所以能做一些人類誤以為有意識的行為，只是由於器官機能的運轉像機器一樣。  他們其實是沒有喜怒哀樂愛惡懼，也無有智慧。 任何人說其他動物是有智慧和情感的，那都是擬人化了。  也有點像惠施指控莊子所說的。   不過，惠施還只是說我們不能知道魚的感覺。  我想，惠施或許還不至於完全泯滅其他動物的靈性。  老殘在他遊記的序裡提到靈性。  他說靈性愈高，愈會哭。  裡面我記得他提到牛馬不會哭，所以靈性不高。  但是他還是不能否定牛馬的靈性。  可是這本書卻也告訴我們，狗不會哭，但是他會嚎。  我想真正認識牛馬的人，也許也可以發現牛馬是怎麼哭的。  

我很驚訝他家可以養將近十隻狗。  

我到底喜不喜歡這本書呢？  我還滿喜歡的。  可是卻沒有勞倫斯的所羅門王的指環那樣深深的喜歡。  我想主要還是因為指環的故事有很多好笑的地方。  這本書呢， 就像我說的是一本平淡，沉靜的書。  但是作者娓娓道來，在最後的時候仍很有力量。  

Preparation for audiobook

 聽書的準備工作

成長路錄製結束後的幾個月，我並無停下腳步。  我繼續尋找並且嘗試錄製其他音檔。  但是都差強人意。  唯一令人稍微滿意的是豐子愷的做父親。  但是音檔是一年前錄製的。  當時並不滿意，但是一年後的今天卻覺得音色，感覺，和速度都還不錯。  雖然念的多一個字少一個字的，還有念錯字。  但是我覺得優點遠大於缺點，我也就藉著這個音檔，嘗試用 微軟的PPT 來做一個影片。  PPT 沒有真的成功。  只是用他做成一幅幅的圖檔和音檔搭配。  沒能用 PPT 滿可惜的，需要再接再厲，「先試試不通，在試准成功！」  (好笑的哩！)

最近主要在嘗試沉櫻編選的散文欣賞，是我母親在民國五十八年五月十五購於淡水。  裡面有很多翻譯的文章， 不少從法國，日本啦，美國英國啦，甚至西班牙的都有。  我看了以後覺得還不錯。  但是，開始念的時候，就發現很多問題。  有些句子和詞語，實在很拗口。  我想念法布爾的一篇文章， 我覺得很多文句不通暢。  看的時候沒有問題，但是念，實在不好。  但這也因人而異，象周作人的一篇日文翻譯， 我看得很高興，但是一念就是問題。  但是，夏濟安翻譯霍桑的古屋雜憶，就沒有這問題。  所以也很因人而異，這周的翻譯，實在讓我想到硬譯的論戰。  另外，沉櫻的這本散文選集裡面也有令人意外的收藏，象有一位作者叫古丁，中國作者，但是有關他的介紹卻是在日本維基。  原來他是偽滿時候的作者。  在文革前被犧牲掉了。  

我也想說，我深深覺得，我必須慢下腳步來。  因為學習製作影片是一回事， 錄音是另一回事。  錄音有錄音的準備，影片製作是另一回事。  影片製作裡，應該以 【作爸爸】那一篇為基礎。  從那以點上去發展。  錄音目前除了讀好幾遍外，我並沒有做其他的準備。  就算有也很粗糙。  其實最好把文章抄下來，可以備註斷句的地方；讀音的查詢；以及速度的註明。。。等等。  

另外就是，我必須閱讀。  因為唯有在閱讀之後，我才能決定我要錄甚麼！  計畫與否是一會事，但是必須閱讀。  

  

詩鈔

 看了一篇散文，是思果寫的有關他失學和自學的經歷。  裡面引用了一首英文詩：

但歷代累積豐富的歷史巨頁

在他們的眼前從未展開，

寒冷的貧窮惡殺了他們高貴的詩情，

凝結了靈性中天生的機能。

(格雷，Thomas Grey)

我還滿喜歡的，講述的是人類有史以來所累積的知識，貧窮的卻無法獲得，也因此無法使他們發揮自己的潛能。  此詩引用在這篇文章裡實在很合宜。  

我查了一下此詩的英文發現是一首很不容易讀的詩。  也滿長的。  用的字眼都滿古老。  和一般我們用的詞彙不容易直接對照。  我把同一段的英文錄在此：

But Knowledge to their eyes her ample page,  
  Rich with the spoils of time, did ne'er unroll;            
Chill Penury repress'd their noble rage,  
  And froze the genial current of the soul.  

學的越多，離道越遠

 The more you learn, the further from truth you are.  

I heard this before, or something similar.  I read it in a 武俠小說。  That monk is one of the greatest martial artists and Buddhism scholars at the time.  But in a instant, he lost all his martial ability.  Then he got enlightened.  This suddenly reminded me of a Zen story.  One of the great Zen master always shows his index finger when people asking him, what is zen.  One of his young disciples does the same when everyone asks him the same question.   One day, the Zen master sees his young disciple showing his index finger to a faith seeker.  He gets angry and pulled a knife, then cut off disciple's finger.  The young boy is in tear and pain.  But immediately, the Zen master asks the young disciple, "what is zen?"  The boy turned and showed his master the index finger in a habit.  Suddenly, the young disciples is enlightened!  

The words, written or speaking, are like that index finger.  It is visible.  But it meaning hidden between the utterer and receiver of the words.  We  can mimic

喜鵲謀殺案讀後感 含劇透

     I just finished the book.  I borrowed from library a couple months ago but did not finish it.  For some reasons, I kept thinking about it.  So I went to library trying to borrow it.  However, I'd already forgot the name, so I went to the circular desk and ask the librarians.  I told two young librarians, I am looking for a book I borrowed before.  I wonder if they could find it in my account.  They said the system does not hold such records.  So they started to ask me about the book.  I described the book as one of the staff's pick a couple months ago.  It's a detective story, red cover, the title contained some birds.  They both immediately said, Magpie Murders!  It was kind funny.  I got the book right away.  

    I really like the book.  I think it was quite engaging.  The way it presented itself was quite unusual.  A story within a story.  Both stories are engaging.  But at the end, when the first story finally finished, it was quite powerful for me.  Because the characters are all different now.  They took on a new meaning from the second story, especially for the characters from the first story were based on real person in the second story.  Even when I writing this afterthought, I found it a bit confusing to describe the plot...  

There're a lot of reference to the Agatha Christie novels, but I haven't even read one of her novels.  

I am kind comparing this one to the the Ganache series.  I felt this one is more grounded.  The characters were written in a more realistic way.  Because a lot of time, I find characters in Ganache series a bit like caricatures.  

I feel like the author really paid a tribute to the genre both for written words and TVs with this book.  Because the amount of reference for both media are a lot.  

I never see answers in neither stories, but the most surprising was the first story.

I saw some interviews with the author, he said his idea came from ArthurConanDoyle.    ACD hated Holmes so much, he wanted to kill the character off.  And apparently, a lot of author, including Agatha as well hated their own creations.  This gave author the idea for this book.  When I saw those interviews.  I thought it was indeed the case, the book wrote extensively about the relation with author and his own creation.  I guess it's why the ending for the first book was so appealing to me.  Author lives through their creations.  And yet, when it was demanded of them to use the same character, it became a grind, even debasing their ideals.  It was kind sad.  

I knew this book has a Chinese translation.  So I went and read some reviews.  Most of them said the same thing, bad translation and editing ruined the whole thing, both Mainland'sandTaiwan's version.  It was a shame.  But I would think this is a very hard book to translate, because it really has lots of references to classic mystery novels.  Plus I think it's so very British.  So unless the translator is really familiar with both Britain and classic mystery novels, it would is really difficult to do justice.  I only read it through 1 time, but I know I could only understand less than half of the contents, maybe even less...  

But even so, I could not put down the book once passed the opening scenes.  

Now  to think about it.  It was so weird that the victim was so disliked by everyone.  That made his death less sympathetic for the readers.  And yet, while I was reading it, I could not put it down.  

讀一篇法布爾的文章

 我最近看到法布爾的一篇自述，裡面有一段我覺得饒有趣味。  他說他第一次有科學的經驗是小時候想看看到底是眼睛看到太陽，還是嘴巴。  於是，他用了一個方法。  面朝著太陽，他同時把眼睛閉起來，嘴巴張開， 結果太陽就消失了；接者，他把眼睛張開，嘴巴閉起來，這次太陽出現了。  於是，他用歸納法得出了一個結論，是眼睛看到太陽，而不是嘴巴。  但是，當他把這個結論告訴其他人時，每個人都笑得噴飯。  

我滿喜歡這篇文章，本想把它錄下來。  但是很可惜，我在念的時候實在有太多地方拗口，不通順。  這實在是可惜。  很可惜。  我念的這一本是沉櫻編選的散文集。  裡面有一半是翻譯文，有不少是法國的文章。  雖說可能是英文翻譯過來的，但是畢竟我看的法國文章很少，我覺得很難得。  可惜的就是翻譯不是很順暢。  想找找看，有無英文版的，自己翻譯試試。  但是找不到。  

---------------------------

在我找這片文章的過程中，我發現一個奇怪的題目，例如：法布爾面對進化論：不重視還是仇視？  (fabre and evoultion, indifference or blind hatred).  之後還有陸陸續續其他類似的題目。  

這篇文章之所以吸引我，很大的部分就在於法布爾開宗明義地說他不相信當時很多人所信服的一套理論，這套理論就是遺傳，主要是說大部分的本領都是由上面好幾代鍛鍊好了傳給下一代的。  我剛開始找這篇文章用的是 heritage，但是在找了一陣子後，我現在改找 evolution。  但是還是找不到。  

剛好這一篇我想讀的文章和這個搜尋的結果似乎可以連在一起。  看來，法布爾始終覺得進化論只是一個理論， 這個看法可能衍生自他對遺傳的看法。  當他提到天才的時候，就和遺傳分家了。  

這一篇翻譯，最後一段還是可讀的，我把他鈔錄如下：

「現在應當把這篇講我自己的故事結束起來了。  從這一篇以看出從很小的時候我就很愛好自然的事物，我又有觀察的才能。  為什麼緣故，又是怎樣起來的呢？  我不知道。 

我們人與動物都有些特別的才能。  有個小孩喜歡音樂，別一個時常用泥土塑出東西來，又一個長於計算。  在昆蟲也是這樣。  一種蜂能夠切葉，別一種建築泥房，蜘蛛知道織網。  這些才能˙因為存在所以是存在，人們所說的只是這一句話罷了。  在人類裡，我們稱這特別的才能曰天才。 在昆蟲裡，我們稱他做本能。  本能即是動物的天才。」

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我今天看到的動物

Morning:

I was watering the dahlias in the morning.  I saw a hummingbird flying around the flowers.  It's the second morning I saw it.  What a beautiful sight!  

Morning: 

I was riding a bike through skug river preservation.  I came upon a long board walk, which passed through the Skug river.  There is a section filled completely with duckweed(浮萍)。  And among them, there're so many frogs, with eyes popping out of the duckweed.  I sat on the boardwalk, just to enjoy the view, after a while, I rose and trying to leave, so many frogs jumped out of the river, and made a very interesting call.  What a fantastic experience.  

Evening:

I was watering in the evening, the weather was hot, about 100 degree F today.  I saw a large insect.  It looks like a locust?!  I feel it was almost 4 inches.  

Making voicerecording so far

 It is so hard...  

When I read, I like to read in a whisper sometimes.  I thought if I could record some of the materials, it would be interesting.  And I was right.  It is interesting, but so very hard.  

I could not read without all kinds of noises, from my nose, my throat, even my stomach.   I usually do my recording after dinner.  I guess that doesn't help the noises.  

I just recently put an video up YT.  I spend more than a month to do it.  Because I want to use PPt to make slides with pictures and the article.  But I need to learn the most basic of PPt.  BTW, I don't have PPt.  So I used Libreoffice Impress.  It works the same, almost.  Then there's the format and design of the slides.  I eventually decides to go with the Traditional Chinese format, vertical style.  That took some doing.  Along the way, I scrapped the plan for a partial quote of the article to a full copy.  Because, my recording has too many problems, wrong pronunciations, adding words that's not there, or subtracting words that's there.  And therein lies a real problem.  I re-record a few more times, trying to see if I could replace the intended voice recording.  I failed, I could not produce another recording with the same tone, speed, and emotions.  

Anyway, it was frustrated.  I spent half day putting this project up on YT after talking to my sis.  She said if the  mistakes did not alter the story, I should just salvage it.  So I did.  

Another thing, no more sending videos to relatives and people.  Let them live in peace...  lol  The recording is really not a joy to listen.  I listened on a laptop then a cellphone.  My gosh, the cellphone's quality is pretty bad.  I can imagine what other people would think.  So no more.  Just let it flow on the YT ocean, and hope no one will find them and tell me to pull them down...  lol

鷹之道 賽。蟒剛麼瑞

Just finished a very brief book by SyMontgomery.  It's very different from her other writings, because she gave up the activity of falconry.    The main reason for giving up is due to the fact that hunting is not in her blood, to be specific, killing is not in her makeup.  She is still awed by the beauty and wildness of raptors.  I don't think anybody wouldn't be awed by it.  Though I do remember from KonradLarenz's writing, he does not think raptors are smart.  Sy thought points out the instinct part of raptors as the essence of the bird, not truly it's intelligence.  And there're also many ways intelligence, Raptors way of intelligence is just very different from ours.  

I liked this book about its honesty and humility.  Because her choice at the end is very impressive, it shows humility really.  I'd imagine somewhere in her heart, a desire to complete falconry training must be strong.  But she knew herself, her circumstances, her relations, she turned it down.  She is not just speaking about being an animal lover, but really acts as one.  For I believe that by denying herself to train for 2 years with a raptor, she protected both a raptor she's going to handle and herself.  An over bloated promise, will make injury to both parties.  

Also, I am wondering if there are writing about falconry in 華夏大地.  What's their experience?  What's their language?  

Quote:

Our fellow animals teach us lessons about the delights of sameness and difference. They immerse us in wonder. They lead us to humility; they inspire us to reverence. They teach us the many facets of love.

Reminder: Slow to Anger. And moderation in Anger.

 Slow to Anger

Moderation in Anger.  

A rule against murder 讀後感，詩鈔

我剛讀完露易莎。媥尼的第四本葛傌煦警探系列小說。  題目是一條反對謀殺的規定。  我始終覺得這不是一個很嚴肅的偵探小說系列。  這個系列真正吸引我的地方是他創造的人物，都很可親，很可愛。  而且很多偵探小說裡的主角都是出生背景黑暗，但是這位葛傌煦警探則不是，其中的一個原因實在是因為作者當初創作的時候，希望把心目中的最完美的男人的特質用來塑造出這位警探。  

這本書在描寫家庭的互動上滿仔細，也滿生動的。  但是，有時候我覺得作者為了創造氣氛，在某些描述上變得有點誇張。  關於查案方面，我覺得這一部跟前三集相比，更弱。  這一本書的重點很顯然是希望讓讀者更深入了解葛傌煦警探的成長經過，而不是案情。  我覺得有點可惜。  但是故事裡有兩大段地方，讓我看得很喜歡。  因為這兩段寫的很實在，並不煽情。  可以說把這本書的重點給點得很到位。  

我喜歡這個系列還因為作者每次都有使用了不少的詩詞。  不知道為什麼這都讓我很高興。  我這次也不例外，把一首貫穿全書的詩抄錄下來。 

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

of sun-split clouds,—and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of—wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,

I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air….

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue

I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace

Where never lark nor ever eagle flew—

And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod

The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

“High Flight,” September 3, 1941., John Gillespie Magee, Jr. (1922–41)

Magee was born in Shanghai, China, of missionary parents—an American father and an English mother—and spoke Chinese before English. He was educated at Rugby school in England and at Avon Old Farms School in Connecticut. He won a scholarship to Yale, but instead joined the Royal Canadian Air Force in late 1940, trained in Canada, and was sent to Britain. He flew in a Spitfire squadron and was killed on a routine training mission on December 11, 1941. The sonnet above was sent to his parents written on the back of a letter which said, “I am enclosing a verse I wrote the other day. It started at 30,000 feet, and was finished soon after I landed.” He also wrote of his course ending soon and of his then going on operations, and added, “I think we are very lucky as we shall just be in time for the autumn blitzes (which are certain to come).”

文章裡是介紹這位作者，年僅十九歲。  在二戰時，在英國上空做訓練飛行時發生意外，和另一架訓練機相撞斃命。  文章裡說他出生在中國上海，父母是傳道士。  他從小一開口講的是國語，後來才學英文。  之後又在英美兩國之間就學， 獲得耶魯大學獎學金，但是棄學從軍，進入英國皇家航空。  在他寫給父母的信中，他抄錄了這首詩，信裡提到當天飛機一飛上三萬英呎，他就開始有了詩的靈感，在降落後，一首詩(信裡用的詞彙是 ditty，短歌的意思)就完成了。    

a random record

 這是第三個星期二小瑋沒有來和媽媽研讀聖經了。  他在五月卅一日打電話來說他有心冠了。  媽媽很緊張，我記得我們第二天就拿點食物過去。  PQ  那時候還沒有染疫。  他來樓下拿了食物上去。  那個星期我們又拿了點東西過去，好像是一鍋雞湯，不對那是第一次拿的吧？  可是那個周末之後 PQ 也得了。  他兩沒有分房睡。  媽媽一直都在勸他們要分開睡。  可是你可以想像，住在公寓裡，是很困難的。  

我們聽說 PQ 感染了，我和媽媽也都立馬做了測驗。  各做兩次。  都沒有，不過原本說了要和胡熒阿姨去 Costco 後來也不去了。  

這兩個星期，小瑋不能來，也沒有見到他人。  上個星期六我把 Mei 的折疊腳踏車拿去小瑋家，是 PQ 下來拿的。  他大致上都已恢復，沒甚麼症狀了。  不過人看起來有點瘦。  當然還是沒有看到小瑋。  不過這兩個星期在電話上聽起來他人在逐漸好起來。  聲音雖然還是有痰， 但是愈來愈有精神。  昨天傍晚，媽媽看她打電話，打不到人，他在網上帶一個聖經研讀。  

這次，佩蘭阿姨，舅舅都有打電話給小瑋。  還不錯的哩。  媽媽也經常和小瑋聯絡。  雖說媽媽說自己總是說一些小瑋不愛聽的，例如應該要去拿針對心冠的藥，但是只要有打電話就好。  

只是個紀錄。  

詩鈔

 

宿石邑山中

唐代：韓翃

浮雲不共此山齊，山靄蒼蒼望轉迷。
曉月暫飛高樹裡，秋河隔在數峰西。

saw it at memorial hall library.  hung up in a frame on the wall.  

成長路錄音完成感想

 underwhelming.

The recording is so bad.  From narration, recording.  The only good thing is the source material.  But because of the bad recording.  Nobody in their right mind would finish listening even one clip.  

But that's fine, I am trying to comfort myself.  I already knew it when at the very beginning.  And I hope it  stayed that way.  

Underwhelming, a feeling I am perplexed.  Usually, I'd feel elated after I complete something, anything.  But not this time.  All I can feel is underwhelming.  Like nothing really happened.  I tried to look at the date when I started the project, it was 4/40/21, in the hope that the duration of he project would give me some satisfaction.  Although the quality of the result is not good, but I stuck to it till the end.  Of course, with my mom's push, faking interest, she already finished reading the book twice since I started the project.  

My initial goal is two folds.  For the outside world, I hope to preserve some very good literature online.  For myself, I wish to practice my speech this way, to preserve little bit of speaking ability.  Did any of these goals met, I ask myself.  For my speech, I am not sure, I think I will have to keep doing it because I don't speak to other people more than some surface conversation, if even that.  For the outside world, that's a lofty goal when no one will come and listen to it.  Although for the falu purposes, I rather have no people come listening.  

But even now I am typing the thoughts out, I am underwhelmed in a huge way.  I don't know why.  That's okay.  I guess in my heart, maybe I'd like to be very good at narrating the book.   However, this is basically my first recording for a real book.  Secondly, keep at it, nothing is good at first.  I can acknowledge that my potential for a good recording is very low.  But I am hoping I still have some way before reaching that low ceiling...  lol  

Animal sightings so far

 1. 

I was walking downtown.  I came to the Elm Square intersection.  Our town library is part of the intersection.  On top of it, there's a round pole.  It was twilight, the  traffic was quite heavy.  It was spring, the weather was quite nice.  There were people walking around.  What animal could I see in this heavy crowded area?  It was on top of that tip of the library dome.  A hawk was sitting on the tip, not moving at all.  But a crow, or raven was diving bombing him.  Again and again, the black bird came at him only 1 inch away.  The hawk was not moving at all.  It was an incredible sight.  I must watch for a few minutes then moved on.  A couple minutes later, I thought the crow left.  Then finally I saw the hawk flied away.  That left an impression on me.  The busy intersection, twilight, cars everywhere, eating eating, walking.  But hovering over them, was a struggle between 2 birds.  

2. 

Earlier this year, maybe march, I was awakened by the croak of turkeys.  I thought it was early for turkeys.  But then, what surprised me was I heard the something landing on the roof.  I turned my head and saw a strange sight.  A turkey flew to my roof, right outside of my window!  What a sight!  

3. 

I think it was a few week ago.  I was wakened by the croak of turkeys again.  The second time this year.  I wasn't impressed.  But just a little later, I heard a murder of crows or ravens crowing loudly nearby.  I immediately realized there's something wrong.  Crows must be witnessing something.  So I got up and looked out my window.  And sure enough, I saw a fox chasing after 2 turkeys.  I instantly took some pictures.  But they were of bad quality my camera don't have zoom.  After both turkeys and fox moved away, I ran outside in hope to see what would happen.  The turkeys were actually walking leisurely.  And the fox kept following them patiently.  The murder of 4 crows, fly along their paths, until they reach the elm street.  The fox saw me eventually, and I stayed a bit longer.  I stepped on the elm street, hoping to see how're the turkeys.  They still strode slowly along the elm.  The fox took off though, along with the crows.  

4. 

Crows made a nest in my pine trees at my backyard.  They were loud and very active.  It was about a couple weeks ago.   They were really loud, all 4 of them, but they were not flying around like usual.  They were all on the pine trees, did not leave.  I kept trying to see why, I thought there must be something wondered into my backyard.  But I saw nothing on the ground.  I went to bathroom and trying to poop.  Then only then, I saw something grey furs moving  along the trunk of the big pine trees.  A crow was crowing at it!!  I'd guess it was a raccoon.  But after that glimpse, I could not see it again!  The crows were still cawing though.  

5. 

A lot of roads in our town had a lot of construction all around.  So I changed my routine.  I switched to Rt. 125 bypass.  The route passed through a huge swamp, which was divided by Rt. 125.  It was unfortunate for the wild animals really.  Because I saw many dead animals along the route in the morning, the most stand out was a few dead bodies of beavers.  Very sad signs.  A road so very convenient for us, very dangerous for the rest of the animals.  And it divides the swamp, fractions the natural habitat.  

6.

Just this weekend, I went to horn pond with Aunt Grace's family.  I saw something interesting.  There was a spot for boating.   A group of Canadian geese swim towards that location.  But we were at that spot, so they held their advances and waited patiently for us leave.  Then, Roger and Becca spotted sth weird in the water.  A leaf floating with intention.  Then we realize it must be something aquatic animals like an otter.  The leaf floated towards the geese, then we saw a diving action.  A few second later, the geese was disturbed, and all of a sudden, all of them took fly, fled the water, except one goose.  He struggled some and swam alone away from the disturbed spot safely.  We never saw the otter itself though.  It was awesome.  

語言遊戲

 Hush!

With sudden gush

As from a fountain

Signs in yonder brush

The Hermit Thrush.  

--John B. Tabb

Saw the quote on YT video, which talks about Hermit Thrush.   The video showed how wonderful hermit Thrush's song is to our human ears.  And yet we human always have a hard time to locate the bird.  Because it's small, the color is ambiguous among its environment.  

The quote sounds like a fun exercise for the author, especially after I tracked down the whole poem.  I feel it is with this leisurely, playful way, showed how flexible this language can be.    

媽又摔跤了

 Mother had another fall today.  It's her fourth fall since last September.  This one she fell when she followed me to cross the street.  There's a road construction, the road is higher than the side walk, she must've watched me, did not notice the unevenness of the road.  Even though she had two walking stickers, her head had a huge bump, and her wrist injured as well.  It was so shocking, she could not walk.  I was trying to see if anyone can drive us.  I gestured to the cars drive by, but to no avail.  My mom finally said 911, I called and continued to wave at cars.  Finally, a car stopped, a young lady stopped but saw us without masks, she offered to call uber for us.  She even prepared to pay for the ride.  But the cop showed up and then so was ambulance.  We thanked the lady.  And the ambulance took mom to the Lawrence General Emergency.  Mom did not want to go.  But the bump on her head was really swelling and she was really shaken up.  I kind wanted her to go.  

When I got home, took her ID and Insurance, drove the emergency.  When I arrived, I instantly felt she's much calmer.  Dr, Timothy Chu was there consulting her.  Doctor said she seemed fine, without broken bones and very little chance of internal bleed.  He said there's no need for MRI.   He realized this is Mom's 4th falls in more than 6 months, he recommended in home Physical Therapy, which should call next week.  

Mom was really tired.  But she's so anxious.  She said she might need a NyQuil to help falling asleep.  I went to CVS, but saw ZZiquil.  Not sure, so I called my sister, who's having a covid bout.  For this reason, my mom did not want to tell her about the fall.  I told her everything, because I felt she kind needs to have a full picture to make a correct recommendation.  My sis was kind shocked too.  But know the full story, she recommended Tylenol PM, which is pain relief with sleeping aid.  I went home, told my mom I talked to the CVS consultation and Tylenol PM was the result.  

The reason Mom went to that road was because I forgot to bring aunt Grace's key.  Aunt Grace needed somebody to watch her apartment for a while.  I did not know when would she be home.  So I called mom to see if she could get key to me.  

I remember one of the fall was in the hospital.  I went with her that day, but stayed at waiting area.  I heard her yell, but did not expect her fell.  

I remember one of the fall was when she slept very little one night, she still wanted to exercise.  So she jogged around the house.  When I heard the sound, I came down stairs to jog with her while trying to make her laugh.  Then she fell right in front of me.  Her face hit the wall, her wrist was hurt trying to break the fall.  And her knee was in pain too.  

I remember one of the fall was when she trying to do something about her clothes that day.  She was standing right next to the kitchen counter, did not move her feet, only just turned her head.  Then she fell right in front of me, she bumped her ribs against the counter.  Nothing broke, we think.  But the pain last quite some times.  

This felt like a trend.  I really don't know what to do.  

It seems like...

 My lower back suddenly gave out last Wednesday.  From then on, I took 2 sick days.  I was lying down most of the weekends.  I had similar incidents before.  But not as bad as this one.  And a week or two ago, I was severely bloated, which is a rare event for me.  I wonder if those two incidents are related.  

My lower back pain this time actually feels like Sciatica pain.  Because it goes from my lower left side all the way to my left feet.  I can even feel the path of transmission, sometimes, it's tingling, sometimes it's heat.  It's also is subsided a little bit, very little bit.  I was on Jury Duty today, I was able to sit in the court waiting for judge's action, fortunately, the defendant pleaded guilty.  We were led go at 11:30.  I can move out of sitting position without too much pain, unlike what I encountered over the weekend.  

I wonder if it's sciatica, would be healed.  I wonder if it's not healed, what would I do?  My uncle has sciatica for 5 years now.  I was thinking about how he worked all his life, after retirement, he has difficulty moving around.  But suddenly, I am in the same situation.  I really have to make a decision, trying to learn and plan how I want to the rest of my life?!!  

有時候突然想吃。。。

 有時候會突然有一種感覺在腦袋裡升起來，可能是視覺，又或者是味覺，咦，我想吃。。。  

大概是三個多月以前，不知道為什麼突然很想吃果醬，而且是藍莓醬。  總是想到那幅圖畫， 藍莓醬塗在麵包上的樣子。  自從三年前，媽媽發現賴宇凡，介紹給我妹後，我妹積極研究碳水化合物，也就是含糖的食物的壞處後。  我和媽媽也大大減少碳水物的進食。  所以這個藍莓醬的慾望，雖在腦海裡醞釀，我卻遲遲不肯嘗試。  這樣過了一陣子後，這慾望又進化了，不知道為什麼一個多月前，突然在腦袋裡出現了一種奇怪的味覺。  這是一種奇特的組合，之前藍莓醬先有了視覺而後才有味覺，現在卻突然感覺乾羊酪拌藍莓醬，塗在麵包上，那味道似乎在我的舌尖上擴散開來，不是爆炸的感覺，而是暖暖的，象被包容在裡面的一樣！  

終於我和媽媽去了一趟 Costco，我們替胡熒阿姨買了 Ciabatta bread ，本來我都是買牛角麵包，但這次我們也買了一包 Ciabatta。  我跟媽媽說，我已經想了很久的一個吃法， ciabatta 是種很適合這種吃法的麵包。  於是我又備齊了乾羊酪和藍莓醬，藍莓醬還是在 Whole Food 買的。  我早餐的時候終於第一次吃到了我腦袋想像很久的味道。  想像畢竟是想像，還是要和現實相比較才能證實到底是不是那個味。  令人慶幸的是，那味道實在和自己想得很像，甚至還要更好。  後來的一個多月裡，經常這樣搭配來吃，還去買了比較好的乾羊酪。  媽媽也開始吃了，他也說很好吃。  

到最後我們終於介紹給我妹吃。  他和我妹夫聽到的時候都覺得不可思議。  他們認為乾羊酪實在不適合他們的口味。  之後，我妹嘗過一小口，他的感覺就是乾羊酪帶點霉味，實在吃不下去。  這也是現實，並不是我喜歡的東西別人也喜歡。  我今天來寫這事情是因為，我今天晚飯把剩下的乾羊酪配著柳丁吃光了。  沒有麵包，仍然是很好吃。  我大概表情太特殊，我媽說她也滿喜歡，但畢竟沒有我那麼喜歡。  是的，海邊有逐臭之夫，我家也有。  特別的是，這個搭配是在腦袋裡醞釀了好久，而想像和現實相合的確是快事。  

後記： 我想想，這種乾乳酪配水果的吃法在歐洲人是常事。  我以前也覺得好怪。  但是， 不知道是甚麼理由，這次卻好像魚水交歡一樣。  我在腦袋裡醞釀藍莓醬時，就一直想到乾乳酪配水果，真的不知怎麼想到乾羊酪的？  

詩鈔

 Sonnet 19:  When I consider how my light is spent

by John Hamilton    

When I consider how my light is spent,

Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,

And that one Talent which is death to hide

Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest he returning chide;

"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"

I fondly ask.  But patience, to prevent 

That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need

Either man's work or his own gifts; who best

Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best.  His state

Is Kingly.  Thousands at his bidding speed

And post o'er Land and Ocean without rest:

They also serve who only stand and wait."  

Was organizing some files on Friday, I saw I jotted this poem on a big envelope a few years back.  I was surprised I had not yet put this poem on this blog.  :p  

What caught my eyes were the phrase, "God doth not need either man's work or his own gift..."  And I guess the last sentence, "They also serve who only stand and wait"  Waiting patiently and in readiness(stand), God is merciful.  

Move, man, just don't be still

 I was in the yard worked for 20 minutes.  After that I came, did my balance sheet.  And now, been browsing for more than 40 minutes.  5 minutes ago, I kept reminded myself.  If I have nothing to do online, then I should get off.  And yet, I kind don't want to.  So I searched my brain for anything ahead planned.  No.  Anything interesting to do?  No.  Anyone I want to contact.  Kind want to call Roger so I could go to his house and watch 2 highly anticipated games.  But maybe not want to call.  Feel out of blue by calling him, since I don't contact with anyone.  I was planning to go to herring run today but instead went with my sis yesterday afternoon.  I did a bit exercise this morning.  very little, still something though.  I think I will do some for now.  Just to keep myself moving.  I feel a bit blue right now, though the weather is so nice out.  

Belfastafterthought

 Finished watching the movie and really liked it.  

I really like the black and white used in the movie.  Since the movie is from director's memory.  The black and white and millions of grey served the purpose well.  And it's such a simple setting, the lights and darkness somehow amplified in this mode of shooting.  I loved that one shot with grandpa and Buddy doing long division by the window.  But there were many others.  

JudyDench and CiaranHinds were amazing.  I loved them both already.  But their chemistry here was just beautiful.  Don't know why but almost every scene of them together, I could feel a long history between them.  Both of them are old now, so maybe acting as old couple aren't that difficult.   When I was watching a scene with Judy and Buddy on a bus, I was completely overtaken by Judy's performance.  It's such a shrewd performance, which must come from a very keen observation of people around her, and possibly herself.  She did not have much line in the scene, but with a few snicker or a chortle, which convey her age, and temperament so vividly.  Just wonderful.  

There're so many conversations between characters that are memorable.  The young actor was great at portraying at his own age.  It sounds so weird that old actors great at portraying elderly, and young for kids.  But the writing here somehow catches that sense of  祖輩和孫子。  I think here also showed Director's ability to communicate with actors.  When I watched the second time with my mom and my sister, I found how simple the movie really is.  The setup of each scenes is almost like a stage play.  What I feel as an audience really comes from the strength of the conversation between the characters, husband and wife(through 2 generations), friends, neighbors, fathers(through 3 generations), cousins.  The flavor come from words in this movie.  

There are some many heart felt laughter from this movie.  I highly recommended.  

The scene where pa said to ma, you raised these kids by yourself, not me.  somehow reminded me of my mom telling me almost the same thing her dad used to tell her that her ma raised her, not by her pa.  But in that context, i felt my grand pa meant that my mom's siblings' way of doing things is essentially from their mother, which might be different from grand pa's way.  the movie though I think was meant as a praise, not an assessment.  Then when I saw buddy asking his pa about grand pa helping him, I felt the impact of those words from previous scene.  Then I thought of all the parents who had to leave their kids and work from afar to provide.  A very universal scene, really.  

The way movie showed the world through child's eye also reminded me of JOJORabbit.  But JOJORabbit has more exaggeration and cartoony approach.  I liked Ken's movie better.  

Quote:

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but then I became a man and I put away childish things...

So do not say in grief that you are sorry he is gone. 

Rather say in thanfulness you are grateful he was here..."

opsodi iladk i odp paodp kkk e k

 今天早上我在 YT 上看到一個影片，裡面提到一九七三年的石油危機時，那個人剛從大學畢業，拿到了第一份薪水，但因為通膨廿%，以為可以用半年的薪水只用了一個月。  我就問媽媽他有無碰過同樣的事情。  他說他那時根本不知道有石油危機。  而且都是很省的過日子，哪裡有啥困難。  接著就說了一些以前的事情。

他是民國五十九年大學畢業。  畢業後他考進國中老師訓練班，那時國教九年剛開始不久，滿需要老師的，他和虞珍阿姨都去考了。  在他確定分發到宜蘭頭城去當國中老師時，媽媽看到了立法院招考記錄員。  媽說她在很輕鬆的情況下去考的，似乎都沒有啥準備，想想只是紀錄嘛。  他說他去考場的那一天，不知道為啥大家都在埋頭看報紙。  後還他才知道他們看的是當時的公報，公報的內容就是當時立法院紀錄員的會議紀錄。  但是媽媽一點都沒有準備，考試的內容是一篇聽寫和一篇作文。  當時考試沒有上。  媽媽也無所謂。  反正他已經有地方去了。  

媽媽去頭城教書的故事是我們從小聽到大的。  那是他最高興一段往事。  他隻身前往頭城，住在老師宿舍裡，那是他人生頭一次完全獨立，沒有外婆的羈絆，外公的管教，弟妹也都很遙遠。  於是她全身投入當時的環境中，從他自己的口中可以知道他非常享受這樣的生活。  一開始教國一的國文，非常受學生的愛戴。  不過他說自己第一堂課的時候，站在講台後面，兩條腿都在發抖。  漸漸的，其他的老師在知道媽媽滿會教國文後，也請他代課，尤其是國文文法課。  到了第二年，連校長都知道了，竟然請媽媽去教國三的學生。  他說國三的學生個個高頭大馬，母親那麼矮小，他說一開始也有點困難，但是母親說他就是不會罵人，總是很有耐心的教導。  而且他說當時的課文都沒有變，他要學生背書，他自己就先琅琅上口，學生都很服他。  

媽媽在頭城待了三年，直到外公給他安排到交通部運輸計劃委員會去。  他自己很想要給班上的同學一些禮物，但是自己只是一個窮教員，哪有錢花呢。  後來他在台北的家中找到一些外公剩下的筆，也不知是原子筆還是鋼筆，外公也是省得要命，外殼都滿新的。  於是媽媽去重慶南路的文具行買了筆芯，然後把他當作畢業禮物送給一些他很喜歡的學生。  媽說這些學生都好高興，又回送了一堆的他們自己家裡出產的農作物，捕魚或自己曬的蝦米做回禮。  媽媽自己吃不完，都帶回家給外婆了。  因為提到通膨，媽媽說他在頭城的同事裡，一個教師攜家帶子，一家四口都住在宿舍裡，他們也常常會去摘採野菜，媽說就像現在住在澎湖的姊妹那樣，也會到海邊去採貝殼。  這個教師常常會和媽媽這些比較年輕的老師說哪裡哪裡有可以摘採的野菜和貝殼。  媽媽說在很久以後他才聽說當時有另一個年輕的男教師在追他，可是他一點都不知道。  聽說那位男同事後來還是娶了一位同校的老師。  他說要是他那時在頭城結婚了，那人生真的和現在大不一樣。

媽說他的第一份薪水，兩千多元是給了外婆。  但是，在他的記憶裡，外婆並沒有特別高興。  外婆在媽媽懷我的時候，到了美國一趟，好像在舅舅家住了一個月。  回到台灣的時候，還特別跟葉婆婆說舅舅拿給外婆看自己在美國的第一份薪水，似乎外婆那時笑得合不攏嘴。  但是，媽媽說，葉婆婆跟外婆說，那麼高興，看看到時你能用到一個子兒嗎?！  (我的印象可能有誤。)  

媽媽在運輸委員會做的很不開心，在此期間常常往返台灣和日本之間。  甚至有想要在日本找工作的機會。  但是都沒有成功。  後來在家裡來了一封意外的信。  竟是立法院紀錄員的通知單。  四五年前的那一次考試，那是幾千人的考試裡面選出四人。  媽媽當時不是前四名，卻是第五名。  這時，前四名中的一位考上了高考，要走了。  於是立法院就來函問媽媽是否願意替補。  媽媽剛從日本找工作失敗回來，他當然欣然同意。  從此在立法院待了十五年左右。  他說他在考試時，聽寫中漏了一段，他知道漏掉了那一段是逼不出來的，當機立斷，繼續往下紀錄。  後來，他進立法院後，聽說他的聽寫不是太好，但是他的作文卻是當時考試的第一名，甚至比林梅貽還好。  他說那個題目多半是他自己喜歡寫的那一種，慷慨激昂，正面向上的那一種。  

這裡還得提到一位叫郭琛的立法院同事。  我記得這個名字，可是印象裡有點淡。  因為媽媽和秦金台阿姨見面時往往會問問這位郭琛阿姨。  今天提起他，媽媽說那時郭琛出了一車禍。  也就是因為這場車禍，郭琛找到了爸爸。  媽媽自己也因為頻尿的問題，透過郭琛，媽媽認識了爸爸。  而秦金台阿姨是郭琛的同學，也是由郭琛阿姨認識小于叔叔的。  很有趣，一場車禍， 兩場婚姻。  這個立法院的經歷幾乎可以自己獨立成為一篇。  但是我這裡只是簡短的紀錄。  也就，將就將就。  

媽媽就在立法院時期結婚，搬家，生子，喪母。  這結婚一事，對媽媽來說是滿苦痛的。  媽媽和爸爸決定結婚後，媽媽要把爸爸的照片寄給外公外婆。  可是爸爸當時實在沒有很多照片。  唯一能找到的一張照片，是一個大光頭照，爸爸是民國十七還是十八年次的，照片可能也滿老相。  寄到日本後，外婆乘風似的趕回來阻止。  這過程是很激烈的。  媽說外婆連飢不擇食的話都說出來，甚至還因此打了母親一生中唯一一記耳光。  當時外公外婆都住在日本，佩蘭阿姨舅舅都在美國， 媽媽當時把南昌街的房子租了一間房間出去。  外婆連在媽媽的室友面前都不理，暢談無阻，反正是想盡了辦法要阻止這場婚姻。  那位室友在目睹這樣的情形還和自己的媽媽說，最後趕快搬走了。  那位室友的母親還和媽媽說，從來沒看過外婆這樣的老媽。  

媽媽說他當時從四十五公斤瘦到了四十一公斤。  甚至都想著要自殺了。  但是他想到爸爸，認為這樣是不行的。  如果他真的自殺，那人家會怎麼說爸爸呢？  結婚後，母親的壓力也沒斷過。  他甚至晚上睡覺都都會冷汗直冒，可能還有夜驚。  甚至爸爸都有說過早知媽媽這個樣，就不敢娶他了。  外婆在我出生後堅持要回來，但是媽媽說他也沒有幫上忙。  而爸爸呢，媽媽是很佩服的。  爸爸每天一進門就很親熱地喊著外婆， 媽媽，媽媽，但是媽媽說外婆是鐵了心腸，理都不理。  這點我是完全相信的，爸爸常常對我說的，要會喊人，嘴要甜。  很可惜，我卻是離這個教誨愈來愈遠了。  

摘錄: Notes on a Touch of Zen by King Hu

 "In my student day, Liaozhai was one of my favorite books; its bizarre tales of ghosts and fox spirits held me spellbound for days on end.  Indirectly, the book also helped me to acquire an abundance of literary images and unusual expressions. "

"Ever since I started making films, I have wanted to adapt one of the Liaozhai tales for the screen.  Two difficulties had caused me to hesitate: most of the stories have too simple a plot to satisfy the requirement of a film script; and their themes are heavily didactic...and generally lacking a meaningful message." 

把這段抄錄起來，因為這滿重要的。  

俠女再次觀後感

 不知道是甚麼原因， 去年又看了一次原版的龍門客棧。  感想還是和第一次無大不同。  最近也不知怎地，又想起了俠女，剛好查到圖書館有，我又借了一次。  沒想到這次比第一次喜歡。  這次我更注意到了導演的取景，有許多地方真的是很像古代的畫一樣！   亦詩亦畫！  

但更不一樣的地方是我更了解整個故事的架構，人物的關係。  我之前實在不怎麼喜歡那個大和尚。  覺得完全是無俚頭。  但這第二次看完後， 我比較能欣賞有關這個大和尚的情節。  大一次看的時候，覺得和尚完全是多餘。  我也不知道為啥這一次看就比較不一樣。  

這齣戲的竹林過場的確是非常緊湊。  打破我之前的印象， 也讓我立刻想到李安的臥虎和張藝謀的十面。  但老實說，俠女的竹林打鬥遠比李和張的要好太多。  光影， 雲煙和竹綠的交相輝映所帶出的氣氛，而且那剪輯所帶出的緊湊竟然比現代的特效還要刺激！  

這次也是我和母親一起看，他竟然滿喜歡的。  

Walking in the woods

 最近我常常在林子裡走了三次。  現在還是冬末春初，林子裡到處都是冬天景象，只是沒有雪。  林子的地上全是枯葉，有些樹上枯葉仍頑強的粘著。  風從去年開始，愈來愈大。  風吹過去的時候，枯葉互相顫抖，打在枯枯的樹枝上的聲音很是奇特。  粗粗糙糙，又有種奇特的節奏。  第一次去樹林的時候，似乎總是有腳步聲在地上的枯葉上走。  我回頭看，卻總是沒有人。  實在奇怪。  我走在一個丘脊上，轉了一彎，我回頭一看，居然看到丘陵朝西的一面，全是紅褐色的枯葉。  可是葉子上，葉子下，全是旅鶇(American Robin)。  簡直就是一大片的旅鶇，鬆鬆散散的在枯葉間找尋食物。  我看過一大群的旅鶇在人家草地上，很多時候，他們都抬起頭，盯著我。  這裡，這些鳥都不理我，仍低著頭找食物。  地上仍像是人走過枯葉的聲音。  真是有趣極了。  

石頭和鐵匠

WS slapped CR on Oscars.  That was the news these days.  But what is the best movie?  Who knows.  Probably only 10 people watched it.   These days, movie awards meant less and less.  

But what's interesting was how WS slapping CR was discussed on undisputet.  SB and SS, SS criticized hard on WS, but SB took the exact opposite stand.  This reminded me of a funny skid by a pair of legendary Chinese xiang sheng actors from Taiwan.  

In the skid, they were discussing how to stop a couple fighting by neighbors.  

One said, well, it depends.  

The other one said, depends on what? 

One said, it depends on the genders of the neighbors.  

The other one asked, how do genders make the difference?  

One said, well, if the neighbor was a guy, he should stand up for the husband.  If the neighbor is a gal, then vice versa.  

The other one said, how does it play out?  

One said, well, for example, if the neighbor is Mr. Wang, when he heard the fight, he came down stairs.  After he heard the argument from both sides, he stand up for the husband.  Then he would invite the husband away, in order  to give space to both the husband and wife.  

The other one said, ok, it's sound reasonable.  But I don't see why Mr. Wang can't side with the wife.  

One said, well, for example, if Mr. Wang stand up with the wife, and said, let's go get a coffee, forget about your husband!  How does that sound like?  

The other ones said, Oh, I see...  

I think the example is kind weird now that I am writing it.  I don't think it related well for the incident.  I guess not every thing happened in my mind does not draw reasonable comparison, even though it was at first.  

I do give my hat to CR.  I don't really listen to many of the standup comedians.  I always feel many of the jokes are too graphic and personal.  But CR's reaction and action post awards is first class personified.    My respect.  

媽媽的回憶： 爸爸第一次發病及其他

 今天是烏森換時間的時候， 他們叫這一天做 The end of Daylight Saving.  所以我們的時鐘要往前調一個小時， 本來應該是晚上八點的，就要調成是九點。  這好像是一個比較老的歐洲一些地方的習俗。  中午時， 我妹和妹夫帶了一堆火鍋料來家裡吃，母親提到爸爸第一次發病，說自己很幸運，爸爸沒有因此就走了。  他說要是爸爸那時走了，所有旁邊的人都會說媽媽剋夫。  我妹有點不信。  他說這甚麼時代了，還有人相信這個。  我說是有可能的，就算嘴裡不說，心裡也會想。  媽媽說是啊，而且不管自己信不信這一套，怕的還是。。。象那一個電影明星說的甚麼來著。  我說，人言可畏啊。  媽說對啊，阮玲玉那部電影裡說的嘛。  之後，吃完火鍋，我們就開始唱卡拉 OK，用我妹夫設計的軟體。  媽媽精神不是很好，但他還是在客廳躺椅上聽我們唱。  

晚上他們回去，我們也準備睡了，因為換時間的關係，家中的很多鐘都已調過了。  所以看上去是九點鐘，實際上大家的身體還是感覺的是八點鐘。  我半倚在床上看手機，已上床的媽媽打電話給我，說今天提到了爸爸第一次發病的事情，他有點睡不著。  叫我下樓去把這事和我說說，希望可以幫助入眠。  我就去聽他講故事了。  

那是在我妹剛出生沒多久，大概過了一兩個月，可能剛過了農曆新年。  我爸爸身體狀況不很好，這情況可能有一陣子了，因此，媽媽要給老爸補一補，他記得在那期間常常給老爸煮雞湯麵吃。  還都是特地去買的童子雞。 買了一冰箱的童子雞。 (我想，那時剛好新年前後，一般人在那時也吃得比較甜。)  但是老爸的身體並沒有好起來，根據老媽的回憶，老爸的肉好像一片一片被刮掉。  媽媽記得當時是冬天，老爸全身發熱，無法睡在床墊較厚的床上， 都是在地上打地鋪睡地上。  (我說，我記得在羅斯福路五段景美的房子裡，地板 都是磚塊，很冷的！  媽媽說是的。)  

*附加：  媽媽剛剛上來跟我說，這事情其實應該發生在夏天。  因為他記得是爸爸吃過紅豆湯後發生的。  在台灣吃紅豆湯都是吃又甜又冰的。  我本來是想把文章稍微修改一下。  但是，現在決定只加註一條。  畢竟記憶一上總是會有錯誤。  

爸爸既然每下愈況，媽媽就很操心，想要帶他去大醫院檢查。  可是爸爸自己是針灸醫生，又很會開方，根本不願意去。  於是媽媽就去找了大嫂來勸。  爸爸才勉強在大嫂的陪同下去了三軍總醫院做個檢查。  很幸運的是當時看診的是趙彬宇醫生。  他就問問老爸日常的生活起居，媽媽回憶當時的情況，趙彬宇醫生問老爸睡覺睡得好不好，我媽說一點都不好，還常夜尿，可是大嫂在旁邊說我老爸睡的好極了。  趙彬宇醫生很幽默的問，倒底誰是我老爸的太太。  他問完了問題後，推測有可能是糖尿病。  老爸當天就去抽了血去做化驗。  

當時這種檢查報告都要三四天後才會出來。  三四天後， 母親帶著老爸，這一次沒有大嫂陪同，去三軍總醫院去看檢查報告。  媽說老爸當時人已經是非常不舒服了。  他倆在等候室等報告時，等了一陣子都沒有人來。 爸爸坐不住了，他人不好到連坐都很難過，他說他一定要回家去。  所以媽媽就帶著老爸去。  到了家，母親去找了我乾媽的爸爸來陪老爸，他倆是很熟的朋友。  之後媽媽說他自己又坐車回三軍總醫院，他一定要看到報告。  結果他才剛踏進醫院的大門，就聽到廣播大聲的在問 "請莊耿輝的家屬趕快去櫃檯 (應該不是叫櫃台，可是我現在忘了名稱是啥了！) 。"   廣播不停的報，媽媽三腳兩步的跑過去， 護士說，你先生血糖值有970，情況非常危險，趙彬宇醫生要和你談談。"   趙彬宇醫生見到媽媽，馬上說， 你先生非常危險，一定要馬上住院。  你要在 三軍總醫院還是要在中心診所？  媽媽去年送外婆進中心診所，知道中心診所比較多單人病房，而且伙食也較好，他當機立斷的說要去中心診所。  趙彬宇醫生說，好，我現在就去和中心診所說你們立刻要一間單人病房，你現在趕快去接你先生。  

媽媽說他當時在三軍總醫院攔了一輛計程車，趕回景美的家裡，到家時，和計程車司機說，麻煩你等等，我還要進去接我先生到中心診所。  可是老爸那時已經走不動了，媽媽去求那個司機來幫忙扶著老爸。  媽說自己遇到好人，那個司機一看到老爸嚇了一跳，一把就抱著老爸安置在車裡，趕快開往中心診所。  媽媽帶著老爸到了中心診所，趙彬宇醫生早已給他們安排好病房。  聽媽媽說，當時那個病房竟擠了十幾二十個年輕醫生，都是趙彬宇醫生的學生，趙彬宇醫生也在下午一點左右趕到，媽媽說不知道他到底有沒有吃午飯。  大家七手八腳要給老爸抽血。  那個抽血的地點是大腿內側的大靜脈。  老爸一聽，說那還得了，針扎進去還有命嗎，死也不肯。  媽說怎麼勸也不行，趕忙去打電話找救兵。  打了大嫂和大哥，不在家；又打了小于叔叔，幸好秦金台阿姨在家，小于叔叔那時在高雄。  金台阿姨趕忙過來，他左一句莊師兄，右一句莊師兄，終於爸爸讓步了。    但這樣緊張讓爸爸也累的連最後的力氣都用盡了，整個人昏過去。  他們有趕緊他送到加護病房。  媽媽說那一次，在加護病房裡至少待了一個星期多，天天拿紅單子，意思就是血糖超高，有生命危險，請親人有心理準備。  另外，在普痛病房有待了一個多月。  我說我也看過老爸被王昌國叔叔抬到計程車去，我就是那一次看到紅單子的。  媽說那是後來的一次。  (我記得那次也是血糖值高到九百多。)  

但是這次，媽媽說他選擇中心診所是因為他知道三軍總醫院的病房都是多人一間，給老兵住的嘛。  媽說他為什麼會知道，是因為以前外婆也住過三軍總醫院的。  我說外婆怎麼會住三軍總醫院，他又不是軍人。  媽媽說因為他的小學同學有一陣子在三軍總醫院做護士，外婆需要住院的時候，媽媽就去找這位小珍阿姨。  所以也就順道住進三軍總醫院了。  媽媽在講述這個故事的時候，不斷提到趙彬宇醫生，心裡實在是充滿感謝。  他說要不是遇到這個醫生，爸爸是鐵定過不了那一關的。  爸爸在中心診所的時候，前去探病的人絡繹不絕。  趙醫生很驚訝，問媽媽說爸爸是做甚麼的。  媽媽說是做針灸醫生的。  聽母親說趙彬宇醫生和老爸也很聊得來。  後來爸爸在門診的時候也都是看趙彬宇醫師，老爸和母親說過，這位趙醫生的肺臟不好。  媽媽說趙醫生後來是死於肺癌。  這一篇文章我其實已經想寫很久了。  可是一直苦於找不到有關趙彬宇醫生的資料。  今天找一找，稍微有一點眉目。  我把他的履歷寫在這裡也算紀念這位醫生。  (來源是榮民總醫院)。  我還有找到一本趙醫師夫人寫的紀念書。  然後我也在另一本書裡，提到趙彬宇醫師也是給蔣經國小蔣總統看糖尿病的主治大夫之一。  

專長

新陳代謝及糖尿病治療

學歷

軍醫學校西安醫一分校46期

榮譽職

中華民國糖尿病學會常務理事

曾任

國防醫學院醫學系副教授
本院病理檢驗部中央檢驗科主任

到任年月

1967年02月

出生年

1925

我細思當時的情況，對媽媽而言真的是很恐怖的。  民國七十年初，一月，他母親去世。  爸爸發病時，是民國七十一年初，在我妹出生大概一兩個月後，當時如果爸爸真的走了。  母親一年前才喪母，一年後又喪夫，再加上兩個娃。  我相信真的會有很多親戚朋友說他命剋！  爸爸那時沒有走，他們畢竟結縭十四載。  真可說是幸運。  

---------------

把文章寄給我妹，他也提到爸爸第二次住院， 他的回憶。  我也附在這裡。  鐵板燒我是不記得了。  其他大都類似。  不過我記得只有王昌國叔叔把爸爸帶上車。  媽說那年投資公司倒閉，爸爸雖然一句話都沒表示，但是壓力很顯然是非常巨大的。  媽說那年暑假他帶著我和妹妹和大嫂一起去了日本一趟。  他認為他不應該去的。  如果他沒去，他很有可能會跟著乾媽趕快把錢提出來。  但是，爸爸不大會做這些事。  

｢寫得真好。敘述式很流暢，自然。但是這樣的經歷真是太焦慮了。王昌國叔叔那次我記得，印象很深。也是給兩三個朋友抬出去的。我們倆在門口。爸爸還對我們笑笑的說馬上回來。兩眼都紅的。之後媽媽安排我們跟王昌國叔叔的太太去他們家。他們香香姊姊和他哥哥都在。陪我們，讓我們放鬆。很晚媽媽才來接我們。那次爸爸住院也很久。我記得每次去看他，吃得都很好。中心診所的地點熱鬧，我們那時候去吃了好多次鐵板燒。  那一次我三年級。｣