Two weeks after Taiwan

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri:

I finally saw the movie.  I thought I could watch it for an hour and continue next day.  I was so wrong.  The movie kept me going all the way through.  Although I was not impressed with the ending, the process was very engrossing.

There were so many unexpected turns, I could  hardly anticipate what's next.  Everyone has an angle and depth, that I could grasped in some ways.  I watched some reviews immediately afterwards, just like usual.  One of them mentioned strong characters as main reason audiences love the movie.  It makes me wonder, how was the plot driven, by plot's twists and turns, or by the characters created.

I read somewhere, an author said, he created a character, which forced the plot into certain direction where he has no control over.  Even for bio-pictures, they always showcase people with strong characters, non- conformers..  That's how a story was created.  Our daily mundane life really wasn't that interesting after all, it constitutes bunch of compromises.  Even the movie, the secret life of Walter Mitty, features a normal character on the surface, the story begins when that character wakes up and acts in some defiant ways.

Three billboards really was a well crafted story.  But the ending really is a bit ambiguous.  I wish to see the justice getting done.  Ending put the movie in a paradox, the movie presents itself with characters resisting the norms.  However, the movie also put those characters in a position where those actions was minimized.  I guess it's an author's defiance against the characters he created...


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I've been searched for job at least 4 hours from Monday to Wednesday.  Kind tired.  So I did nothing on Thursday.  I also felt extremely lonely.  The only person I talked to was my Mom.  Not much of talking than listening, not even active listening.  (is this perception a reality?)

Loneliness and tiredness caused intense sexual feeling.  Not very cool.  Has to find some way out.  Stay active, can only get me so far.  I think I need to talk to someone though.  Just talking to myself is really not healthy.  I know the feeling, eventually, everything stopped and stayed at the same spot, although it may look like feet moving.

Has to keeping moving though, action still counts better than nothing.  

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After I got back from Taiwan, I bought a lot of stuff.  A tablet for my mother, a bike for myself, returned 2 sunglasses that did not fit right, and still looking for a good pair of basketball shoes.  I am afraid, I am compensating.

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I went to Y to play some volleyball, and Tina was there.  I met her and her husband through Jo.  I like them and like her posts on FB quite often.  But when I saw her on Monday, my interaction was minimal.  She might feel weird?  I somehow was overcame by fear.  I don't know what, but this happened all the times after I got to know people for a periods of time.  And I know my interaction with other people was wonky at best.  But this is the least of my concern, for I only want to play.  But with Tina, the feeling of trying to escape is horrendous.   

What is that fear???  How do I not to act upon that fear? 


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I like to talk about my short comings, or other sad topics.  So when I went toSofiya's party 3 days after I got back, my recount of the event to my mother was that I did not and could not talk much about my trip to Taiwan; not much interaction with people, who used to be my colleague; and I could only talk about Mascon with them, to which, Aaron rightly pointed out, "why talk about the company in this joyful occasion..."  

This makes me think about a couple things:

1. Why do I like to talk about my inadequacy?   Does this give myself some sense of satisfaction?  Is that how I feel I exists in this world?  Or otherwise, how come I like to talk about it? 

2.  Was there any pleasantry during the Taiwan trip?  If there was, how should I present it? 

3.  I still need to practice how to express my happiness in full sentences... 



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Taiwan first part

We are in Taiwan.  This is a very short trip.  Because I had a job lined up after this trip, and also I did not differentiate April's need and mine at all, I bought the ticket according to her schedule.  Due to the circumstances, this trip was not only untimely, also infinitely rushed. 

Even before the trip, April initiated the planning stage for me.  I need a lot of help.  April knows almost everything, I know none.  A week before, she came to the house stating her intention to set the schedule straight with us.  I thought it was unnecessary, but turns out we followed the schedule almost to the T, because of that day.  Impressive. 

The things that April take the lead was done in a prompt and proper manner.  I felt that she's over reacting sometimes, but when I took the lead, the thing was not finished at all, I still need to finished the coming days.  le sigh. 

some thought, no, only one thought

I felt that for all the researches in science nowadays everything is moving towards physical world.  The spiritual or mental worlds are also dispersing, albeit very slowly.  But according to Newton's laws, mover moves, stopper stops.  How do we get up in morning?  Why would we go to sleep?  

Movie afterthought

Super 8 & it

I saw a video on underrated movie, Super 8 was in there.  I watched it once before but remembered nothing at all!  That's kind sad.  So I got the movie from library and watched it again.  It was such a good movie!  I reminded me so much of Steven Spielberg's style.  But most amazingly, it reminded me so much of ET!  I was not impressed by the ET, the movie.  When I was younger, I used to have this audio cassette about ET, I loved that.  But when I saw ET, something just did not click.  It's almost like my cousin said, "my imagination trumped whatever is on the screen."  But here, I felt that Super 8 brought a visual grandeur to my eyes and touched something in my heart, almost like the audio cassette!

I watched "it" not long ago.  I could not help but compare.  They were both about childhood adventures.  

Quietly creeping in

2017 was a weird time of my life.  I was looking through my cell, there are tons of picture from that year.  It was quite amazing.  Something to notice:

• Had a party in the Warehouse in Jan
• I built a snow cat in Feb 2017 after a storm
• Had a party at my house for Sofiya got a new job
• Told Alex I am leaving for physical therapy assistant
• Warehouse started to hire new people, found Jose
• Peirene joined Mascon
• Went to Borda Borg with CJ, Chenyang, Harry, Peirene, Mindy, CenYang's boyfriend
• Attended a Medical interpreter's certificate program
• Went to Mt. Monadnock with CJ, Harry, Michele, and their friends
• Went to Rhode Island to watch Dunkirk on a special Theater al
• Driving Mr. Wang back and forth for a full year
• Went to JW headquarter
• Went to quite a few movies  with George
• Went to Nahant Beach at 530, to see sunrise by myself
• Went to Rt. 1A north up alone, although did not get to Ogunquit as planned
• CJ was sent to TW for 4 months
• I started part time since attending certificate class, but went back to full
• Went to Vermont  with Mei and Peirene in Oct
• Went to museum with George and Mei
• House and cat sitting for Aunt Grace
• Went to concert and night club with Ian, Peirene, Monica
• Went to a few PQ's Karaoke parties 
• Had a french fries birthday party at Mascon
• Grandpa passed away on 1.1.2018

Recording these makes me extremely anxious.  I felt that recording it meant something.  But I don't know what.  I felt completely overwhelmed.  We shall see.   

Trip planning

To Texas:

From Andover, MA to Caldwell, TX. 

Distance:  1912 miles(Google Map, without distraction)

Will pass through:  Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas(Via Rt. I-81S)

If maintained at 65 mph all the way through, without traffic Jam, detour, etc..., we are looking at a 30 hour drive. 

Must visit places:  to be continued...

Planning

1. Japanese.  I need to write and do it pretty much everyday.  I don't need to sit down for a long time for it at each session.  But a daily alotted time is important.  I need to write it, but even more importantly, just to have contact with it.  I will use  cell phone apps daily.


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2.  Excel, I will try Lynda.  There are lessons in them, and I will follow them.  But the other thing is I need to figure it out a way to use them in real life!  My goal is to learn so I could use Macro.  That's a lofty goal.  Let's see what Lynda will take me.

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3.  Cooking.  切肉絲, 肉片.  切洋蔥.  基本上就是基本的食材準備.  包括廚房的清潔!   整齊清潔是每天的事.

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4.  House.  Holes.  Holes, Holes, and clean, organized.  That includes my room.  First of all my room!  I will need to list, why I need to re-organize my room.  And how should I change it.  Holes on the wall!  I can fix them. And I will start fix them!  From today, until next Saturday(2/9/2018), I meant finish it next Saturday.  I have three main projects, 1, near side porch entrance; 2, in my room; 3, the walls above first floor bathroom door frame!

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5.  Drawing and Painting.  First gather my tool!  my sketchbook and some pens and pencils!

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6. Coding, I will try Lynda as well.  But I do want to search online for free resources as well!

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7.  Martial arts.  My plan is to do it daily.  Don't matter how many times, or don't need to be serious... Just do it!

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8.  Yoga.  Keep a journal.  I need to jot down one today...

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9.  Medical vocabulary.  use quiz it to make vocabulary cards!

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10.  Reading plays, I will get a William Tennessee's play, if MHL has it.

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11.  Play with my money.  My first step is to see how much I have right now...   le sigh...

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12.  Planting.  Yes, Start to put the seeds in the water now, especially the cilantro seeds...

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There, that's my plan!!!  I wonder how much I would remember this...  I will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Oh, no, gotta be rational...  I will.  (sullenly)

Notes on Reading.

Are we smart enough to know how smart animals are?  (Frans De Waal)

"what we observe is not nature in itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning."

(Werner Heisenberg)


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human can try to imagine the umwelt of other organisms.
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he wanted to understand how a bat feels like a bat.  This is indeed beyond our comprehension...

"if a lion could talk, we could not understand them."

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the challenge is to find tests that fit an animal's temperament, interest, anatomy, and sensory capacities.

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chimps face recognition experiment.  chimps can identify chimps faces, but not human.

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a creationist's view:

a purposeful creation of uniquely suited for intelligent life, meaning us.....anthropic philosophers sounded as if they thought the word was made for us rather than the other around.  Planet earth is at exactly the right distance from the sun, to create right temperature for human life, and its atmosphere level has the ideal level of oxygen level....however, any biologist will turn the causal connection around and note that our species is finely adapted to the planet's circumstances, which explains they they are perfect for us.

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the closer another species is to us, the more anthropomorphism will assist our understanding of this species and the greater the danger will be the danger of anthropodenial.

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Cognition is the mental transformation of sensory input into knowledge about the environment and the flexible application of this knowledge.  while the term, cognition refers to the process of doing this, intelligence refers more to the ability to do it successfully.  (page 10~11)

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if learning talents are a product of natural history an mating strategies, the whole notion of universality begins to fall apart.

evidence of inborn learning specializations has been steadily mounting.

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Can we tease apart the roles of attention, motivation, and cognition?  Those three are involved in everything animals do; hence poor performance can be explained by any one of them.

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What's next?

What's next?

It's been 2 weeks now, I've been sulking.  But with family and many friends' support, I want to do something.  What's next?  I know I want to do something.  I will list something that I've been wanting to do but could not finish due to emotion, my inconsistency, and some other bad things I will recall later.  The list is a source where I want to do it personally.  And if possible, a career goal.

• Japanese, I'd tried to study it while I was working in warehouse.  I even brought and practiced during the down time in warehouse.  
• Excel, I'd a lot of fun designing the inventory sheet and packing sheet.  This was something unexpected.  I want to further my knowledge into Macro!
• Cooking.  My mom is fanatic about cooking.  I am interested in it too.  I want to really learn to make dumplings, baozi, and Mr. Wang's Bing better!  
• Cars, I watched Vic, doing all kinds of job around his car.  I am very interested in it as well.  But as far as the car goes, I might need quite a sum to really do what he does.  I am just hoping to put the most basic things into action, cleaning the cars, fix painting...etc.  
• House, my living space.  To be able to work on house is wonderful.  But there are projects that I want to do which my mom called unnecessary, I will try to forget about it.  For house, there are two things, one is learn to be a handy man, small fixings; the other is learning to call professional!  
• Drawing and Painting.  I used to carry a sketch book around, but lately, I ditched the idea.  I want it back!  Along with a bag of pen, pencil and colors.  
• Coding, especially, Java Script, which was suggested by Dwight!  
• Martial Arts, started by doing Lien Bu Chuan and Tai chi everyday.  
• Yoga, started by doing two things.  One is writing notes after each class; the other is started to work out with my Mom!  
• Medical vocabulary, I do not want to forget what I learned.  Although I already know that I did not want to be an interpreter, I still want to retain all the knowledge though.  Vocabulary!  
• Reading plays, this is for my own practice on how to speak.  I want stage plays, what I have in mind is William Tennessee.  
• Play with your money!!  CD, aunt told me; Sign up a brokerage account!  
• Planting!  some house plant is no good, and don't forget about seeding for the coming year!  

It seemed a lot, but how to spread it out, how to pursue them consistently.  That needs further planning!  Do not be afraid of planning!   Remember Plan are meant to be broken!

I finished the list for now.  I will come back tonight to plan it out.  The purpose of this wait, is not out of laziness.  But to ensure that I will keep this planning in mind, so when I do plan it, do it out of ration than impulse.  

I quit, 2

On 1/17/2018, I quit my job at Mascon.  I am, and so are the people around me, still experiencing heavy fallout after a week.  The sub-sequence and after thought of that day will be described as follows:

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The day I went back, my mom was surprised to see me.  I told her what happened.  She immediately showed a lot of support.  Her only gripe was that I exploded.  Because of my action in rage, even if I had any right by my side, it was all lost during the process.  Many people from office left messages asking what happened.  My uncle and aunt took me to ninety nine for dinner.  The most bummed, was probably Mae.  She was in the process of leaving.  And I worked with her from the beginning when we were both temps.  Grace called a day later, she told Mae on Wednesday, "need to wait for Jack to calm down."  Then Sofiya said, we should meet.   I met her that Friday at 330pm.  Sofiya is Sofiya, her spirit did raise me to a better place.  All these supports really helped me out a lot!  Even CJ texted me from Taiwan, (she is on a Company business trip).  
A
But to me, this is a very heavy loss.  I can see the heavy toll on my mom as well.  And I am debating what to do next, school, job, or a necessary trip to Taiwan?  And although I anticipated that I cannot get back to the company, but when I went and pick my stuff up on Wednesday(1/25/2018, a week later), the treatment was not easy to endure.  And the fact that Vic and Anne doesn't seem to want to meet really let me down as well.  I talked to Jo on Wednesday(1/25/2018), Vic on Thursday(1/29/2018, giving me my computer on Target's parking lot).  Every time I talked to them, I felt very heavy.  I kept guessing what's that mean?  Is that friendly or they were just saying things so I wont bother them no more?  Mae was the only one that kept talking to me, through line or text.  

It's kind surreal when I went back on Wednesday.  I know I was not supposed to be there.  I thought I just need to get 2 more things and also need to talk to Jo about my computer, then I will leave.  Besides warehouse and Jo, nobody would know I came.  I parked my car at back entrance.  But when I stepped in warehouse, Vic was not there.  Jose was there, in front of the computer, head bent down to look at his phone.  He was surprised to see me.  But he tactfully asked if John knew I was here.  Then he said he would not tell on me.  I found two toys of mine and stepped out to put them in my car.  When I came back, Jose disappeared.  I immediately guessed he went to get some people.  But to me, it's alright, I went to find Jo.  But in mid way, I turned back, I was afraid other people would see me.  When I get back to the 1st bay door, I heard Jose, Lawrence, and George talking among themselves.  They could not find me, George did peeked out the door and said my car was still there.  The whole process was so surreal.  I almost giggled.  Jose is a survivor.  Lawrence is Lawrence.  But George?!  Really?   Although I understand his position, still could not contain a slight disappointment.  At first I was thinking to play hide and seek with them but decided not to.  I showed up and told them my purpose.  Then I told them I still want to meet Vic, so I will wait in the car.  After I stepped in the car,I saw Jo came out of the back and told me that John specifically announced me unwelcomed in the premises of the Company.  So I left.  

All these times, people asked what happened.  Even when Jo saw me, she asked too.  What's the reason I would go off like that.  On the day I quit, on the way home, the only thing happened in my mind was the rage.  My mother was one of the earliest victim of this rage.  So was my sister.  I kept going over and over in the scenario.  I kept telling people, it's because of Jose's poor workmanship sparked this rage.  I also kept telling people, Lawrence was the one who fueled my rage to the point to quitting.  I even told Jo, I was disappointed in Vic's supervising, because Vic should already corrected Jose about some slacking off.  But as I was showering at YMCA today(1/26/2018), something lighted up.  For all these three years in the warehouse, I kept telling myself, how much tolerance Anne and Vic showed me.  They are examples of tolerance throughout the years.  Even with three years of experience, I still made a ridiculous shipping mistake at the end of last year.  Only to be covered by Anne. Maybe Jose was slacking off, maybe Lawrence wasn't supposed to say those words.  But upon seeing the boxes on the ground on that day, what was reason for such a rage?  I am really tired of the job, it's true.  But to put these whole thing on other people's shoulder would be a bigger mistake.  I am the spark of the whole scenario.  I have to bear the responsibility for the fallout.  And I need to deal with this rage!  

I quit, 1

On 1/17/2018, I quit my job at Mascon.  I am, and so are the people around me, still experiencing heavy fallout after a week.  The scenario of that day will be described as follows:

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It was a Wednesday.  The workload was supposed to be light.  Vic did not come, I was told by Anne, due to health issue.  Jose called at around 7am, asking if I  could handle it, because he had dentist appointment and had to leave before 11am.  I said okay.

In the previous day, we had a shipment came in.  There contained many hot parts, need to be shipped  right out.  So I pulled the necessary amount out to satisfy the orders.  Because of this, our first priority on Wednesday should be receiving the shipment, so Logistic could finish receiving, and Mae can invoice the sales.  We had 30 warranty scopes to ship as well.  This would be 2rd priority, should be enough to fulfill a day's work without exhaustion.  That's how I started with my day, I planned out before I stepped in the Warehouse.

I vaguely remembered we started to work on receiving shipment at around 830am.  By 930am, the receiving was more than half way done, 2 more pallets to separate and repalletize.  Looking at the situation, Jose said to me, "Jack, you can go and do something else.  Let me finish it, I will take my time with it."  I looked at the clock and what's left, I agreed.  By 10, I went to my usual break, ping pong with Harry and Ian.  Walking pass by IQC, where Jose was working, he was not there.  I assumed he was taking a break as well.  After ping pong, I started another task, doing the second inventory count for last week.  This should be a quick process if the equipment was working properly.  But the computer broke down, even when fully charged.  At that time, 1030, Jose came over and told me that he needed to leave for the dentist appointment.  I asked him if the receiving was done.  He said, "Yes, but there are still 1 or 2 parts that need to do.  But that's it, if anything, we could just receive it on the computer now."  Then he left.

Since my computer was restarting, I went and checked the receiving.  By golly, it was not done at all!  The last two pallets were spreadout on the floor!  What did he do?  Mae already came in twice to ask about the receive.  I estimated that with 2 more helps, this could be done in 10 minutes though.  So I went and asked 2 managers, Lawrence and Daniel to help out.  They said alright, just wait 10 minutes.  Okay.  I went back and saw the things spread out on the floor.  There was something inside of me exploded, I really went into berserk mode, started kicking and throwing boxes.  Jo's cubic was right besides IQC, she must have heard the commotion and came to take a look.  She immediately tried to calm me down, but I answered  back in rude and explicit language.  She tried to tell me to walk it off, but I responded with kicking boxes.  So she left, after she left, however, I thought to myself, I needed to walk it off.  I went out in the back  and walked around the building once.  Then I saw Lawrence peeking out the back door.

Lawrence and Daniel were both there.  I stepped in Warehouse and proceed to IQC, with them following me.  I told them what happened while I started working.  Lawrence kept saying, "let's talk, Jack.",  but I kept refusing.  I wanted to finish the work, I said, with 3 of us, we could finished this in 10 minutes.  Daniel concurred with me and asked what should he do here?  (Daniel is new to the company).  But with Lawrence's insist, he and I went to computer desk in Warehouse at Bay 1.  He asked what happened, as I described what happened, he jotted down a few lines on his notepad.  Then he raised his head and said, "Jack, you know I will fight for you, but John might fire you."  He said with such air like this is trivial.  There was second explosion in my chest, I immediately went blind.  I said, "that's okay, if John wanted to fire me, I quit."  I took my stuff, said goodbye to Harry, Ian, and Tom, and stormed out of there.  Alex was playing with Kevin, our new operation director, just came in the day before.  Alex followed me all the way to the parking lot, but I was already too mad, I threw my lunch on the ground.  He picked up my hat and said, "Jack, your hat fell."  I took it and left.

However, I turned back half way.  There were more stuff I need to take home.  When I went back, Lawrence and George came in the warehouse to watch me.  I somehow still want to finish the work.  I went back and put everything on the pallet.  Before I could complete though, John  came in.  And asked me to his office.  I went, and Alex was there.  He said he had 2 options for me.  I immediately told him, no, you don't.  I want my paycheck for the workday.  And I quit.  He said let's remain in a friendly term...blah, blah, blah.  Then I went back to IQC trying to complete whatever was left, but John followed me and said this is non of your business now.  So I collected everything I could think of and left.

Thoughts on Movies

I just saw Wonder woman, War of the planet Apes, and Big Sick, and blade runner director's cut on DVD.

I also saw blade runner 2 and Thor: Ragnarok in theaters with George a couple months ago.

The one I truly liked was Big Sick.  The movie is a small time romantic and personal growth movie, set in real world.   The movie did not shy away from conflict, which is the reason I think it's great.  The subject includes tradition, religion, romance, etc...  The subjects are quite close to my heart.

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Wonder Woman was not a bad movie.  Some of the dialogues are quite endearing.  I like Chris and Gal's chemistry.  Chris is really a very talented actor, and Gal's more than enough to carry the character.  I kept watching it to the end.  For I wonder what's next?  But when I really get into the end, I was a bit let down.  The final show down was impressive.  But the message of the movie from that showdown was pathetic.

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War of the planet apes.  was fun to watch.  But the leadership cliche started to get annoy me.  

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Thor Ragnarok has some amazing fighting scenes.  Some dialogue maybe funny, but most of it is starting to feel like an inside joke.  

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Words before sleep

Why am I still looking my spreadsheet?  What is the purpose of this?  I could be reading, writing, or do anything else. 

I always felt weird about this world.  Like this world and I were isolated by a thin film.  In a way, This thin film might be something not awakened in my own heart. 

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some thoughts

Some thoughts(7/15/2017)

Came to McDonalds for breakfast.  Thinking of it for a long time.  Wanted to bring a laptop and do some writing as well.   Somebody was calling me out of the corner.  I turned and saw Uncle and Aunt with big smile.  They went to swimming early in the morning, came here for breakfast.  They were going to NH for mall walk afterwards.  Aunt told me to download Macdonald’s app, with coupons!  :D  I will do that! 

I’ve been wanting to come to McDonalds’ and writing for sometime.  Thoughts need to be materialized to see clearly.  Otherwise, the thoughts are like my dreams.  I don’t dream too much, or at least I don’t remember most of them, except the girl I loved, but that only lasts less a second. 

Thoughts are so hard to catch.  Catch and release, I need to release some thoughts as well.  But with this slow tongue, only tune could be sung.  I need to express by typing.  But even by typing, the thoughts still can’t flow smooth and non-stop.  I need to talk about something concrete at first. 

Last night

You must have no idea how happy I was to receive CJ’s message.  I drove back to Jo in frenzy, heart racing, and speeding.  I love that girl.  And yet, I can’t speak.  I can’t act.  I can’t seem to do anything.  The thoughts of her only bring out the thoughts of jealousy, hopeless, and worthless in me.  I love her.  The ultimate goal for love is not to own, but to see her having a life of happiness, satisfaction, adventure, and peace of mind. 

I saw her when Harry left.  She has worry all over her face(Harry drank, I don’t know how much).  I was jealous of Harry.  Very much so.  I was so glad to see Tina there.  I can feel the strength that she brought to CJ.  I was hoping to see Tina as well.  It seemed that CJ invited Tina.  Good girl.  Tina is 7 months pregnant, but Tina is still Tina!  And Jake is still Jake!  Loved it! 

I am sorry, but by writing this, I am filled with all the feeling I mentioned above. 

I had some hard liquors last night.  I was among CJ, Peiring, Jean, Tina, and Jake, the last ones to leave last night.  Jo’s party was fun, especially with the Volleyball.  But my goodness, some people’s shoulders were hurt.  It gave me a chill.  I still want to play volleyball, but how should I protect my shoulder? 

I went to Jo’s house early, to help out a little.  I get to help Jay, Jo’s hubby, to set up volley net and boundary.  I see a very methodical way to set this up.  Very interesting!  It’s almost like I was running through Jay’s mind!  It’s a beautiful thing though.  I like it!  Every step was thought though.  He and Jo are quite different.  They may be called complementary couple?  :p  They share something too though, otherwise, how would be they together?  They are cute together! 

CJ called earlier before I left the party to drive Mr. Wang home.  She was asking if we need cheese for she’s buying some crackers.  We found some brie, and other cheese in the fridge.  I told her, it’s alright, we just need cracker.  After I left Jo’s, I thought that I should take the cheese out of the fridge.  So I called Jo about it.  But she dismissed the idea, for she thought there are enough snacks. 

When I came back to the party, I saw a board of small crumbling of cheese.  I was glee. 

Warehouse

I felt Vic was laughing at me.  He made a joke about me still staying after I said I wanted to leave so many times.  I felt both frustrated and comical as well.  Frustrated, because, I want to leave, badly.  But the fear of leaving was great as well.  I don’t have a job in place yet.  Although I know I can work, but there are still many left to be desired.  I also wanted to go back to school.  I will have to choose.  To make a choice. 

It’s funny because I am the least useful person there.  Anybody left would leave a big hole right now, except me.  I am a clerk working in warehouse, where hard labor was needed, and consistency count.  All the computer work I did there will be replaced by barcode.  Any clerical job I did there would be automated, or filled by a high school student. 

Am I putting myself down?  I think so.  But how should I describe my role in the company?  IT is working invisibly; what he did was a mystery to me. But sitting in that tiny room is like sitting in a prison to me, and when computer go awry, everybody is looking at IT like, what the hell…    The engineers working day and night, in a literal sense, including weekends.  Logistics is working overtime almost every day.  And I heard something called, drop shipments, another mystery to me…  Customer service connects the company and customer directly day in and day out.  Not to mention how much Anne is an integral organic part of logistic, accounting, and warehouse as well!!  The accounting watch over everything, pouring through each transaction, not just big cost from factory, or late cash from customers, small details including shipping cost of 1 package as well!  Vic and Jose are working on designing and executing floor plan, shipping and receiving, general warehouse maintenance.  Bosses, well, they are doing major business decisions that would affect the lives of all above mentioned.  How do I fit in the whole scheme? 

For three years, I worked with Vic on floor plan as well, but I could only use my muscle.  Did I mention muscle?  I don’t have too much.  I worked with Vic, who mentioned one day after meeting with Alex that we need to do inventory count every time when we are picking Enidine.  At first I designed a very simple spreadsheet.  We printed it out on paper and record each transaction.  We started doing  that around the  four quarter of 2015.  After Aaron came to warehouse, in March 2016, we got new toys, 2 Chrome books.  I found out about Google Sheets.  It was a powerful tool for real time collaboration.  I designed a simple spread sheet in Google Sheets.  But alas, I drop the ball after I came back from my vocation after July in terms of keeping with inventory.  Everything seemed to speed up, more container were coming in, more ocean shipments were coming in, and plus new parts and big QTY at the end of year.  On top of that, Polysher and other 3D parts were ramping up as well, although Aaron tried his best to accommodate warehouse by implementing bar code system, quick, centralized shipping labels, and new toys.  But between shipping and receiving, inventory maintenance, and general Warehouse Maintenance and something extra, the whole thing was blown out of proportion.  I was slow to realize how frenzy was for the Warehouse, until Jo started to hire the temps, I finally had to admit, and there were so much we were not able to do before temps.   Starting last quarter 2016, Vic was working on new floor plan, we tried a few things, ATW, Valencia changed locations a few times.  Enidine shelf had new makeover.  So were Polysher and other 3D things.  I tried to streamline all the paperwork, including inventory sheet, packing list, pallet tags, pallet address stickers.  I was a very slow with excel, even slower in decision making.  Bob, our IT gave me tremendous help on the sheet, he put real time inventory on the sheet, which I believe is the quickest way to get accurate WOB and IQC QTY.  From this perspective, I did not really make the sheet, Bob did!  I designed packing list for Enidine.  I am trying to use packing list on Sigcom as well.  That sheet was helped by CJ in the beginning. 

I wish I could do more.  And to tell the truth, I want to feel that I did something.  But from the above paragraph, I did design one sheet, packing list.  But by golly, CJ could do this in less than one sitting…  And right now, a new challenge came up for the packing list which I did not see a way to defeat it yet.  I am thinking…Bob!!!!  When can we standardize QTY per box???

I just asked Bob to see if he could reduce steps in making the inventory sheet.  Because I was trying to teach both Vic and Jose to do the sheet, but I just found out, to make the sheet, it takes at least 12 steps!!  One thing I learned from these 3 years working in warehouse, anything that could be consistently done has to be easy enough to do, to access, and to repeat.  If the procedure is to remain 12 steps, I am not sure this will continue effectively. 

At the end, did I put myself down?  I work in warehouse, I do shipping and receiving; I hope I am a good auxiliary to Vic; I did a lot of transfers, lost a lot of transfer papers as well; I designed 2 spreadsheets to help warehouse, inventory sheet, with help of Bob, and packing list, which soon to be obsolete.  Maybe I could pull myself up a little.  I don’t have to feel so worthless, this is just a job, not enough to make a living, but to structure my life around it.  It is like last night, Tina kept telling me, I like to hustle in the volleyball.  I do like to hustle, I told her that this is the only thing I could do on volleyball court, I could sense she needs to find words to answer me.  I guess my words are meant to be humble, but people are scrambling to find words to reply.  I will say it again here, like Michele once said, I was only doing chores around warehouse.  Yes, hustling is all I really did.  I looked like a busybody, running around like crazy.  But I do say, working with every department is a pleasure.  I do get something in doing that! 

(But frankly, I don’t give a damn.  I just wish I could talk to her, make her relaxed, and I relaxed by her side as well.  I want to play with her, to caress her, just to be with her in general and feeling calm about it.)

I wrote the above sentences before I can really put my last assessment on the (putting down section).  To give an assessment somehow put my uneasy.  I guess I wrote this paragraph to comfort myself.  I still want her though.  Very very much so. 

睡前的靜思 四

媽媽曾說我把自己評得很低賤,所以總是希望得到別人的肯定.  我今天一直在想這句話.  原因就不用贅敘.  我覺得這句話有道理. 

但是, 我今天實在不想在自己裏面兜圈子...  算了.  就算有道理又怎樣? 

------------------------------------------------------

最近看了一本書, Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are.  沒看完, 看了個大概.  大體上就是說, 現在 google 和其他網上, 或著電腦收集的資料, 可以讓社會學家真的變成一們科學.  這個原因就是, 人們在網上絲毫不掩飾自己.  即使他們的言詞依然閃爍, 他們卻會用滑鼠點擊, 或者 google 搜尋來展現真實的自己.  

很有趣.  可以再借一次.  

----------------------------------------------------

我還是在醉生夢死.  

-----------------------------------------------------

想要知道自己在 Yang's fitness 待了多久...  有無十年...  

----------------------------------------------------

我在想那些我要放棄, 哪些我要堅持...  現在我要放棄上網, 我要堅持睡覺!!!!!!!!!!

睡前的靜思 三

今天早上, 公司有里民大會.  我看到 CJ , 我整個大會裏, 越來越難過.  我只想大聲的和她說我愛她.  只想把她揣在懷裡.看到她坐在哈利旁邊.我很難受.忌妒就好像赤焰一樣.我痛恨這種感覺.我最近不斷的想,如果我可以跟哈利一樣..就好了.看到他們倆在一起合作無間,我很痛苦.非常非常痛苦.我想自殺.我真的很想很想自殺.我完全不懂我為什麼要這樣受苦.我祈禱 CJ 有一個很好的朋友.  她倆很合, 無論是智商, 行為, 言語.  我懂她喜歡這種人.  我只是很希望自己是這種人....  而我不是.  我很想自殺. 

我討厭以上的想法...  一整天, 就只想逃避, 放棄.很多事在我都很容易放棄.唯獨這個...我真的不知道要怎麼辦.

我大概累了.  去睡吧.  反正每天都一樣. 

臨睡前的靜思 二

今天去又去打桌球了. 第三次吧.  一次都還沒有贏過.  不過還是打了好幾場. 我滿需要熱身的. 第一場球就和一個很厲害的中國人打.  很慘的. 他的反手實在很厲害. 用正手板...
和另一個人打, 他的發球我怎麼就是不能打回去...  都是側旋...  還和一個七十二歲的人打, 打了兩場,都輸了... lol 

打完球, 出來一看, 下雨了.   我還滿高興的. 

------------------------------

早上起床仍然困難.  早上做完瑜珈後, 淋浴時, 在想, 要怎樣使我自己起床, 輕鬆容易...  不費力氣, 不傷心, 不留戀...  我有時候故意去看格鬥的影片.  因為這樣使我感覺想要競爭.  我覺得我始終都很想競爭.  但是, 當我可以贏的時候, 不知道為何, 總是缺臨門一腳.  我看那些影片, 只是想激勵自己...  le sigh... 

-----------------------------

耶穌說, 他的擔子是輕省的.  他的擔子是啥? 

-----------------------------

現在寫的這些, 感覺很不完整.  跟昨晚相比, 話說的很不清.  可惜. 

臨睡前的靜思

When I wake each morning, I feel terrible.  Truly terrible.  Feeling lonely, no expectation, or just plain lonely.  I would think of her.  Not really thinking thinking, just have a picture of her from previous moments when I saw her, or hear her.  Usually, with other people.  And it doesn't matter what they were doing, or how she interacted with them.  I have this insane jealousy and inadequacy.  This gave me a lot of sleepless night.  I could not get back to sleep.  I do not know what to do.  I want to see her, or hear her in my head.  If it's love, it should motivates me.  But it only gave me sadness!  In sadness, there is no power in me.  Energy sacked.  Memory lost.  So then, I know, the feeling for her, must not be love.  It is those obsession that because I can't have it, my thoughts stock on it. 

So I am here to prepare myself.  I want myself to remember something, maybe it's some memory that would make me happy; maybe it's some words I've seen that worth re-uttering.  And if her imagine came up again, tell myself, I love her, I love her, let me be clear about it.  Treasure this feeling, but let it motivates me throughout the day.  Because, she's enduring the real hardship.  Not me.  She is doing something for her love.  I, need to learn how to love!  I need to learn!  So the first thing, is to let it go.  Let the obsession go.  Learn to love, let the obsession go. 

榕. 今天你和你的朋友忙了一整天.  希望你睡好.  做個好夢. 我是這樣希望的.  明天, 我知道你總是好好過日子.  我, 要學著如何過我的日子.  Sofiya 提醒了我.  我得學會.  謝謝你的出現. 

Learn to love, let the obsession go! 

My thoughts on Movies

Hacksaw Ridge:

I had high hope before watching Hacksaw Ridge.  But it underwhelmed a little.  I probably was hoping for something like Passion of Christ.  HR gave me a feeling more similar to Apocalypto.  It was a well made movie, there were some very good moving scene, but at the end, I could not feel the impact. 

The battle scenes were quite big.  But the impact was different from Saving Private Ryan, since the advertisement kept comparing HR to Saving Private Ryan.  Since HR was really more about one individual's struggle.  That struggle is very unique. 

I don't feel the movie is a great religious movie.  It's more of personal conviction thing.  I am quite moved by the father's effort to help his son.  I find it impressive that this conscience objector would choose to go to the war without weapon.  Maybe it's showed uniqueness of USA. 

------------------------------

Jason Bourne

I did not think this would be too great.  But it turned out alright.  I guess, expectation does make the viewing a bit different. 

The action sequence of car chases were simply amazing.  I watched the feature, in which I agree that by putting a lot of computer technology in the movie, it made the movie more relevant to today's world, comparing to the last installment 10 years ago.  I liked the plot quite a bit.  The female antagonist was very adequate, her ambivalence was hard to grasp.  Tom Lee Jones' role however, was compromised.  I felt it's role here is repetitive.  His death is meaningless, the evilness he represented here is shallow at the best.   Whenever Jason and CIA director interacted, I felt I was watching soap opera...  repetitive and monotonous. 

The movie was pretty good though.  The ending to me was quite satisfying.  It actually made me looking forward to the next one... if there is any... 

伊於胡底

這是有一回, 媽媽從舅舅家回來之後, 媽媽說的. 

仔細情況怎樣, 我有點忘了.  好像是, 那一天外公的情況不是很好.   顯得有點糊塗.  媽媽起床和舅舅講述前晚的情形.  講著講著, 媽媽感覺真是的莫可奈何.  於是就說了一句, "伊於胡底".  舅舅聽不懂. 

媽媽回來問我.  我也沒聽過.  媽媽雖然知道意思和來源, 卻有點忘記典故了.  於是我們就一起上網查.

來源是詩經的一段:

詩經小雅谷風小旻中的一段原文：

潝潝訿訿，
亦孔之哀。
謀之其臧，
則具是違。
謀之不臧，
則具是依。
我視謀猶，
伊于胡底？


 --------------------------------------------

全文 

詩經·小雅·小旻之什·小旻

旻天疾威，敷於下土。謀猶回遹，何日斯沮？謀臧不從，不臧覆用。我視謀猶，亦孔之邛。

 

　　潝潝訿訿，亦孔之哀。謀之其臧，則具是違。謀之不臧，則具是依。我視謀猶，伊於胡厎？

 

　　我龜既厭，不我告猶。謀夫孔多，是用不集。發言盈庭，誰敢執其咎？如匪行邁謀，是用不得於道。

 

　　哀哉爲猶！匪先民是程，匪大猶是經。維邇言是聽，維邇言是爭。如彼築室於道謀，是用不潰於成。

 

　　國雖靡止，或聖或否。民雖靡膴，或哲或謀，或肅或艾。如彼泉流，無淪胥以敗。

 

不敢暴虎，不敢馮河。人知其一，莫知其他。戰戰兢兢，如臨深淵，如履薄冰。


翻譯:

　　蒼天蒼天太暴虐，災難降臨我國界。朝廷策謀真僻邪，不知何時能止歇。善謀良策難聽從，歪門邪道反不絕。我看朝廷的謀劃，確是弊病太多些。

　　小人嘰喳攻異己，是非不分我悲淒。若有什麼好謀略，他們全都不肯依。若有什麼壞計策，他們全都會同意。我看朝廷的謀劃，不知弄到何境地。

　　占蔔靈龜已厭倦，謀劃再不向我談。謀臣策士實在多，就是沒有好意見。議論紛紛滿庭中，指出弊病有誰敢！就像謀劃要遠行，真到路上沒效驗。

　　如此謀劃我悲痛，古聖先賢不效法，常規大道不遵從。近僻之言王愛聽，膚淺之見紛聚訟。就像宮室建路上，當然不會穫成功。

　　國家雖然沒法度，人有聰明有糊塗。人民雖然不富足，還有明哲有善謀，有能治國有嚴肅。就像長流那泉水，不讓衰敗與陳腐！

　　不敢空手打虎去，不敢徒步過河行。人們隻知這危險，不知其他災禍臨。面對政局我戰兢，就像面臨深深淵，就像腳踏薄薄冰。

 

(錄自:  http:   //   www.zwbk.org/MyLemmaShow.aspx?zh=zh-tw&lid=7865   1

  

媽媽的食譜

蓮子,白木耳,冰糖煮熟.
大豆煮軟.
待涼.

放到 blender 加水(或是那些剩下的湯汁), 白芝麻(也可以加黑芝麻, 或著枸棋) 打碎. 


 很好喝. 

a quote i saw at a flower shop

When I saw you
I fell in love,
and you smiled
because you knew. 

it was credited to Shakespeare, but in reality it should be credited to an Italian play by Arrigo Boito who wrote the play based on "the merry wives of windsor", by Shakespear.

The original phrase in Italian is :

Come ti vidi
M’innamorai,
E tu sorridi
Perchè lo sai.


Just some fun facts.

--------------------------------

Today was really nice.  I hope 榕, 如果去工作, 希望有機會可以跟 Harry 他們去玩玩.

--------------------------------

  I felt that I worked all day.  Cleaning, Gluing refrigerator door shelf, Warehouse labels by connecting excel with word.  But just by listing them, I only worked half day really.  And they were mostly chores, which is necessary, nothing extra...  But the feeling of working all day seemed to make chores important and heavy load.  they are illusion though...  le sigh.

-------------------------------

What's going on

What is happening:

1. I just finished medical interpreter certificate program.  Passed the exam.  Preparing to get my resume done over the weekend.  And prepare to find other job as well.  Any job will do. 


2. Having temps in the warehouse since early this year.  It's not easy to find a permanent worker from temps...  We have 2 temps, been working close to 3 months now.  They are young and unruly sometimes.  I felt Vic likes them though.  I bet he's lonely and bored these 3 years.  lol  le sigh... 

3.  Just had a quick thought, constantly thinking about work and CJ is maybe a blanket, a disguise to cover the real issue, which I do not want to face and challenge myself.  Being sad was a good excuse to give up.  I am very lonely though...  That loneliness maybe caused by my greed...  Don't go that way now... 

4. I find myself at a constant pickle.  I could not find enough time to finish what I wish to finish at work...  Kept distracted by small things.  Both Jose and Chris, both the temps, mentioned that I would stop communicating at some point, maybe during a conversation, or explaining something...  Did I lose concentration?   I felt I was doing a lot of self correction internally.  How Do I stop that? 

5. I always thought I was not bad at communicating.  But after these 3 years, I found I am really bad at it.  Jumpy is what Harry described me, in terms of reaction.  Stop the conversation mid way through a explanation, that's what Jose was telling me today.  Chris told me communication was the key, a month ago.  Temps might mean half jokingly.  But I consider it's a serious concern.  Internalizing too much.  After the filter, there's not much coming out.  Or what came out is broken, unclear, no connection, make no sense.  Have to let the river f low.  But I want to be proper and accurate. 

6.  I've seen Vic teaching those temps, very thorough, slow, and detailed.  He will state his thought, to the point and repeatedly.  But he did not shy away from tongue lashing either. 

7. Today, I sinked into sofa at 7, went up stairs and watched porn and masturbated once.  The whole time, I was watching myself.  It was a really weird process.  When I went to sofa, I was meant to rest a little.  Although I did not have a clear goal of what's to do next.  Then I started to read manga, until 830.  Then somehow I felt horny...  le sigh.  I want to let this feeling subside, watched clips, and release.  Right after the action, I regretted.  But what is there I could do?  My question is why did I not rest as I intended?  I consider that a key question.  Rest, pal... The more I sat idly without rest, the restless I would become. 

8. I want to learn to love.  I do not want to be sad.  When I think of 榕, I felt sad.  When I talked to her, I almost always express my concern of her well being.  I do worry.  But I want to my presence or my memory to be a happy one, which could bring smile on her face.  If there's a memory to start with.  I want to love, not sad. 

9. From now on, if I was on sofa, I sleep.  Or anything with a time limit.  Otherwise, like reading, watching youtube, using computer, etc, doing them in front of my desk or dining table. 

10.  Write a personal work list when I enter Warehouse.  Finished them is my priority, not whatever I wrote on the white board. 

11.  Construct a letter through out the working house in Warehouse, addressed to my mother, or Noz, or whatever.  Find topic to talk.  Practice.  I need to learn to talk. 

12. 

Because of her 2

魁儡馬戲團
超智遊戲
最高機密

Random thoughts

Even now, 5:38 am, alone with my cat, I am still hiding.  I am lying to myself.  But what is that you want me to do?  I already admit my crime, Crimes!  What is this constant attack for? 

---------------------------

no consistency

--------------------------

榕

------------------------

榕

-------------------------

Warehouse exit strategy:

part time
improve any computer operations
3D Model of Warehouse
Map of Warehouse

-------------------------

榕

-------------------------

When you are old

When you are old

william butler yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,

And loved your beauty with love false or true,

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,

Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled

And paced upon the mountains overhead

And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

------------

莫文蔚

當你老了

作詞：william butler yeats, 趙照
作曲：趙照

當你老了 頭髮白了 睡意昏沉
當你老了 走不動了
爐火旁打盹 回憶青春

多少人曾愛你 青春歡暢的時辰
愛慕你的美麗 假意或真心
只有一個人 還愛你虔誠的靈魂
愛你蒼老的臉上 的皺紋

當你老了 眼眉低垂
燈火 昏黃不定
風吹過來 你的消息
這就是我心裡的歌

當你老了 眼眉低垂
燈火 昏黃不定
當我老了 我真希望
這首歌是唱給你的

兩首詩 Pushkin

I loved you

I loved you, and I probably still do.
And for a while, my feeling may remain...
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you, and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

(Original Russian:

Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может
В душе моей угасла не совсем;
Но пусть она вас больше не тревожит;
Я не хочу печалить вас ничем.
Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,
То робостью, то ревностью томим;
Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно,
Как дай вам бог любимой быть другим.)

 -------------------------

Night

My voice, to which love lend a tenderness and yearning,

Disturb night's  dreamy calm...  Pale at my bedside burning,

A taper wastes away...  From out my heart there surge

Stift verses, streams of love, that hum and sing and merge.

And, full of you, rush on, with passion overflowing.

I seemed to see your eyes that, in the darkness glowing,

Meet mine... I see your smile...  You speak to me alone,

My friend, my dearest friend...I'm yours...your own. 

(Original Russian:

Ночь

            

Мой голос для тебя и ласковый и томный

Тревожит поздное молчанье ночи темной.

Близ ложа моего печальная свеча

Горит; мои стихи, сливаясь и журча,

Текут, ручьи любви, текут, полны тобою.

Во тьме твои глаза блистают предо мною,

Мне улыбаются, и звуки слышу я:

Мой друг, мой нежный друг... люблю... твоя... твоя!... )

---------------

Both from Chocolate wraps...  :)

Thoughts on movies

captain fantastic:

a movie about a father leads his children with his ideal, living in the woods, hunting, farming...  far far away from other people, and outside world, until his wife's death... 

A very fun movie to watch.  Conflicts happened within family, with father's sister's family, with in laws.  One of the best scenes was when the father and father's sister trying to explain the death of the wife, that scene was brilliant!  But what came out for me was the togetherness of the father's family and the independent of each individual in the family.  Most of all though, the movie showed love, through children's tolerance of their father, sister's never waiver effort in talking to the father, and father's decisions in making compromise in the end.  I love this movie. 

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Only Yesterday,

a movie about a Japanese lady realizing her love of countryside, and a man on a journey while she recalling a lot of her memory at 10 years old.   it is an anime by 宮騎駿. 

This movie is slow and delicate.  it showed many detail in  little girl's life, her first time having pineapple, first period, first and last time, her father slapped her.  The independence of this lady was overwhelming.  From her youth, she is different.   The pacing of the movie was slow for me.  But because of the protagonist's uniqueness, I was very much engaged the whole time.  Japanese anime really is different from other world's cartoons.  The extreme thoughtful setup, like many of the memory sequence was delicately portrayed.  The blurred line and blank space, was really a nice way to express a certain memory.  The narrative of a mature woman and a young girl seemed to be a continued line without too much interruption.  Even at age 27, the lady does not have boy friend, spent her vacation working as a farmer in a countryside...   The music in the movie was special as well, they used a lot of periodical music in japan.  I loved that!    I loved the ending as well. 


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The edge of seventeen

It is a movie about a 17 year girl, with her best friend and her brother together, felt a crisis on hand. 

I loved this movie.  The narrative was purely from that girl's perspective, how she felt, what she saw, what did she do...etc.  I wanted to watch this movie because of woody harrelson.  but what i saw was way beyond him.  a refreshing script, and great acting.  The movie showed by her perspective.  But without being one sided.  The actress in the movie was purely fantastic, grasped the character's mood really well. 

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Logan

i went to theater in the morning, expecting little crowd.  It was filled up! Last portrayal of wolverine by hugh jackman. 

The movie was gritty, real, and filled with emotion.  I heard one of the review said it's like the new batman movie!  I whole heartedly agreed.  I do not know why I love this movie.  The hero was beat down to the ground, the air of hopeless was immense.  Yet, the emotion between professor X, Wolverine, and the girl was such a plot to lure me in! 

I love this movie. 

Homework 2

運動與我

今天和小瑋通電話.  電話裏,他認為自己是如此的重視健康, 很注意吃得好, 也稍微有些運動.  效果卻沒有和付出的努力成正比.  小瑋對於健康老出毛病, 很懊惱.

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我常常對媽媽說, 我有甚麼好的, 都是媽媽努力的結果.  我會騎腳踏車, 會游泳, 會打桌球, 籃球, 等等的運動, 我母親都是後面那隻推動的手.

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我對我自己小時候的印象就是, 孱弱, 難帶.  大概, 沒有比我更難帶大的孩子了.

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我的外婆, 根據媽媽的說法, 是長年跑醫院的病人.  在我的記憶裏, 外婆是早上看個醫生, 中午看個醫生, 下午看個醫生.  而且, 如果這個醫生有名氣, 醫生到哪, 外婆就到哪.

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媽媽的家人裏, 幾乎都沒有運動習慣.  除了我老媽已外.  在一張老舊灰照片裏, 白沙灣上, 我媽, 媽媽的孿生妹妹, 和舅舅作在沙灘上.  我媽媽穿著泳衣, 佩蘭阿姨穿著裙子和襯衫, 舅舅著泳褲.  佩蘭阿姨是不會運動的.  舅舅畢竟是男的, 又當過海軍陸戰隊, 他會游泳.  我媽媽呢, 他是會游的.  我也和舅舅和舅媽打過乒乓球.  舅媽一看就是會打的, 但是, 舅舅就不行了.  我和媽媽也打過, 她也不會打, 但那是他將近七十了.  媽媽年輕的時候很活躍, 太極拳, 瑜珈樣樣來. 

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我很喜歡運動.  對我來說這並不只是健康的來源.  更是愉快的回憶.  我似乎只有在運動的時候才能夠感受到那種和別人無阻礙似的溝通.  這是一個既喜且悲的認知.  因為, 只有在和別人玩的時候, 我才能夠進行溝通.  而這種玩, 又必須是一種體力活.  運動完之後, 我的人際關係卻是一蹋糊塗.  幾乎沒有溝通的渠道.  至少我本人感到某種的困難和不足.

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我在這公司以工作三年了. 有時候會晚回來.  因為公司有個桌球桌, 下班之後可以和一些同事打打球.  有時候我打球打的忘了時間, 無論多晚, 她總是等我回來吃飯.  這個時候她也要抱怨, 我實在應該打電話, 如果要晚點回來的話.  有時候談打桌球這件事, 媽媽總會問, 你算不算是會打的一個?  我也總是回答, 當然嘍.  我的確算是會打.

想想,小的時候, 媽媽帶我和妹妹去各種運動營, 籃球, 游泳, 桌球...  我小時候最好的回憶幾乎都是運動.  在媽媽的帶領下, 我和妹妹在小學時代幾乎是天天游泳.  所以到了國中的時候, 我可以和其他人並肩行動.  對於高中的印象, 除了 ESL, 就是籃球.  和 Sky, Roger, 和其他人, 我高中只要有空檔, 幾乎全是籃球.  甚至, 獨自練習也在所不惜.  是的, 籃球, 以一項團體活動而言, 我現在都只拿來作有氧運動的個人練習.

我很喜歡運動.  對我來說這並不只是健康的來源.  更是愉快的回憶.  我似乎只有在運動的時候才能夠感受到那種和別人無阻礙似的溝通.  這是一個既喜且悲的認知.  因為, 只有在和別人玩的時候, 我才能夠進行溝通.  而這種玩, 又必須是一種體力活.  運動完之後, 我的人際關係卻是一蹋糊塗.  幾乎沒有溝通的渠道.  至少我本人感到某種的困難和不足.  這也是我現在那麼喜歡打桌球的一個原因吧.  在運動裏, 幾乎一定是有往有回.  這似乎滿足了我在溝通上的某種欲望.

運動又分兩種, 一種是遊戲性的, 多半要兩人以上才能做.  一種是加強身體強度的練習.  後一種運動是不能和前一種運動分開的.  因為加強身體強度的運動, 是保護自身的措施.  這樣, 在參加遊戲性運動時, 才不容易受到傷害.  這是我多年以來, 玩籃球, 常常受傷, 現在又做瑜珈, 身體竟然慢慢恢復某些強度之後有一點體會!  而現在網路發達, 常常可以看到一些運動員, 對於後一種運動的努力.  這也大大啟發我!  所以我逐漸增加一些其他的項目.  像是, 舉重和踩腳踏車.  最近的目標是希望可以再一次開始游泳.

我記得幾年前我去德州 Wendy 家.  佩蘭阿姨也順道從哈林郡來看我.Wendy 帶我們出去玩.  回來的路上, Dwight 提議去玩籃球.  結果, Charles 真的開著車找到一個籃球場.  我們和 Wendy 的小孩們還真玩的一會兒.  Wendy 和佩蘭阿姨在旁邊照像.  兩個小姑娘, 又笑又跳.  Dwight 本來滿安靜的, 在玩的時候, 卻輕鬆下來, 全心的享受這個時光.  我也是一樣!  在場上的笑和鬧, 大家在一個場上齊心做一件事, 我喜歡這樣的時光. 

thoughts on movies

Hell or high water:

It's a great movie!   Story telling in movies cannot be better than this.  The cinematography is beautiful.  The soundtrack is befitting.  However, the acting is off the chart.

The first time I watched this was on my uncle's new TV.  The graphic shown on that TV was so washed out.  It looked so fake.  I was taken aback a little bit.  I am guessing that the hi def on that awesome TV somehow made the movie looked like an indie film of some sort...  I hope Ang Lee's new movie would not be like that...  I did not finish the movie that night though, due to some personal things. 

Anyway, I kept the movie until it past the due date.  Since I cannot return the movie until Tuesday, I watched it last night with my mom.  It looked oddly beautiful on my TV.  I never thought that graphic would bother me that much until last night.  But once I "solved" the graphic issue, this became incredible, especially after jeff bridge showed up.

The story was kept simple enough.  But the outcome kept me guessing.  Most of the bank heist movie involved high tech, or incredible smart people, and intricate plot lines.  But this movie did not show too many of that.  It is a modern western with a kind of straight forwardness.  But because its bluntness, I am not sure how this movie would eventually turn.  The whole thing was driven by characters.  Characters are hard to guess, especially with ben foster's incredible insane performance.

As always I read some reviews after I watched the movie.  Most of them mentioned how close the movie represent the USAn heartland.  I am not experienced with that too much.  So I cannot say much about it.  But one of the last lines of the movie reminded me what this movie could represent in terms of social aspect throughout the human history.

"Toby Howard: I’ve been poor my whole life, like a disease passing from generation to generation. But not my boys, not anymore."

This line, does not just represent a sentiment of Usan people from midland.  But to all the poor people around the world...