dong dong

dong dong died on 1/28/2011. he was shocked to death while vet was trying to put cast in him for euthanize.

you and her are now in my dream
in a yellow
dim light of mist
you rolled up in her arms
she on the sofa
fast asleep
while you purred on your back
embraced with two arms
in front of her bosoms
sweet dreams
i will wake you two
when i dream

國與朝, 還有中國這一名詞

不知道中國古代史家是如何界定朝代與國的?

我始終都覺得中國不過是文化名詞. 也就是以黃淮平原發展出來的文化. 中國本來指的就是黃淮平原一帶. 誰入主這一地帶, 誰就是這一帶的主人. 但是, 這樣問題來了. 歷來很多人入主這一塊地方啊... 依照傳統歷史, 三皇五帝都依序入主黃淮平原. 如果根據現代考古, 則這片土地上, 民族遷移的痕跡似乎沒停過. 那麼中國, 到底是地名呢? 還是文化呢? 我持文化論是啥原因呢?

根據我道聽塗說之後, 又因為記憶不佳而得來的結果. 我以為, 從中亞大草原, 一直到黃淮平原, 在古代, 實際上是一個大草原的文化. 大草原上, 雖然也根據膚色, 目色, 髮色, 語言, 風俗來分部族. 但是, 草原上遷移迅速, 移動範圍廣, 各部族混居到最後, 更容易由風俗習慣來看人. 也就是說, 如果你和我的風俗習慣相類, 則我看你就比較像我的同類. 雖說, 你可能是個白皮膚, 我可能是個黃皮膚. 這就是, 荀子勸學裡說的：「干越夷貉之子，生而同聲，長而異俗，教使之然也。」 這是大草原上的概念. 這個教的涵義裡, 在我看包括語言和風俗習慣.

這樣一個觀念在黃淮平原留下來. 由三皇五帝, 以致於三代. 至孔子, 此觀念不斷的流傳下來. 之後更被司馬遷說的很明白, 他說:

自黃帝至舜、禹，皆同姓而異其國號，以章明德。故黃帝為有熊，帝顓頊為高陽，帝嚳為高辛，帝堯為陶唐，帝舜為有虞。帝禹為夏后而別氏，姓姒氏。契為商，姓子氏。棄為周，姓姬氏。

國號者, 朝代名也. 此時, 能稱朝者, 皆是天下之盟主也. 其入主中國, 而號令天下之國. 入主黃淮平原者如何號令天下之國, 制禮作樂. 禮樂, 就是文化的表現. 其中有當時天下人所認同的生活準則, 可以承載天下各國各民族的風俗習慣. 在春秋戰國時, 這一認同已經達到了長江流域. 這裡已經超越了黃淮平原的地區. 但是, 在當時, 各黃淮平原的諸侯仍把楚國看作是中國以外. 因為中國一詞, 在當時仍是黃淮平原. 所以, 即使是孔子, 他仍稱周朝的官話, 也就是周國的話語為雅言. 他在念頌詩經的時候, 依然以雅言朗誦. 那麼, 這時, 朝和國到底是啥分別呢? 朝就是具有盟主地位的國, 而國, 很清楚就是比較小的諸侯.

在秦結束春秋戰國後, 秦廢諸侯, 而確定以縣為單位. 但是, 秦沒多久之後是漢. 漢是縣國並存. 後來又到了五胡亂華, 歷史上稱為五胡十六國, 最後變為南北朝. 這時候, 問題來了. 朝與國怎麼分? 漢朝以後的史學家在經歷四百年相對穩定的朝之後, 如何面對如此混亂形勢? 我想, 這在名詞上似乎滿清楚的. 五胡十六國, 和南北朝. 國者, 仍然小, 就算有大的國, 如符堅的前秦, 依然稱國, 因為沒有文化上的遺留. 朝則不僅僅國土大, 裡面風俗多, 而且有文化影像力. 中國在哪裡呢? 這時候, 是跟文化嗎? 還是跟土地? 以我殘弱的知識來看, 中國是以文化的姿態出現. 文化, 像是空氣, 到處都在. 即使是異族入主黃淮平原, 他最後的文化歸屬仍是中國. 而相對來看, 本來就是中國文化下的南朝, 反而因為不斷內鬥, 最後, 耗盡自己和時機, 朝代被滅. 但是, 他所代表的中國呢? 如果中國是土地, 則他早已不能代表中國. 如果中國是文化, 那他被滅的時候, 中國在哪裡?

文化啊, 那空虛的東西呀. 他是制度嗎? 他是語言嗎? 他是人性嗎? 他是思想嗎? 他是文字嗎? 永遠不要忘了荀子的話: 「干越夷貉之子，生而同聲，長而異俗，教使之然也。」 中國既不在血液裡, 也不在父母那裡. 一切只在人心裡. 文化可以使人強盛, 也可以使人衰殘. 北朝的五胡之民和漢民融合, 拓拔氏使用許多漢晉以來的文化, 他就是中國. 南朝繼續晉朝的內鬥, 還要加上南方居民的競爭, 喪失時機和鬥志, 他們也是中國. 既然都是中國, 那麼就要看, 誰能駕御文化. 駕馭文化者, 心也.

隋唐以後, 五代十國. 其決定因素, 似乎仍是: 區域多寡, 風俗多, 和文化影響力. 這一時期, 朝並不具有對國的絕對武力優勢. 但是, 他依然有相對的形勢. 以後一直到清朝結束, 朝與國的關係幾乎是類似的. 中國這一名詞, 就是漢唐明清在對外國的時候, 幾乎是不用的. 他們只是用國號來對外稱呼自己. 所以歷代以來, 中國人其實又叫, 漢人, 唐人, 明人, 清人. 這是繼續三代的傳統.

但是, 民國以來, 中國成了一個正式國號. 這基本上是個錯誤. 為啥呢? 因為中國從古至今都是一個文化單位. 幾乎都是一個文化單位. 現在濫用了, 那麼台灣, 還是一個中國文化嗎? 大陸以他的巨大稱自己是中國. 那他要怎樣看台灣呢? 它可以用他的勢力使地圖上少一塊嗎? 不行. 可是他可以使人們永遠搖擺在不確定裡. 而且, 當我們回去看台灣的文化與大陸文化的時候, 他們無差別嗎? 有, 且不是短期之內可以縮短到無.

可以這麼說, 中國, 被定為國號, 有外國壓力. 他使的很多中國文化的人感到壓力, 而形成一種意志, "我們"! 但是, 當現在, 我們努力學習西方文化的同時, 又發現, 他們自己也有 nation, state, regime, nation state...等等概念. 但是, 我們自己的朝與國的概念卻完全消失, 或著更明確一點, 他是去了活力. 好像一旦定義住了, 就永遠不能改變. 以為朝只是封建名詞. 所以我們改用國. 但是, 殊不知, 我們的情況完全不能和歐洲的觀念相比, 我們的語言文字也不能完全 1:1 的和歐洲對譯. 既然如此, 我寧可中國永歸文化單位, 而讓朝與國的觀念在度活起來. 以前朝是家族, 但是, 現在看來, 朝未嘗不能用於不同憲法, 不同主義下的政權. 國, 則每一個省其實就是一個國. 中國則仍是像空氣一樣, 他只能活在心裡. 而不能在外表.

獨臂刀和大醉俠電影感想

我剛看完獨臂刀, 張徹導演, 王羽等人演. 三天前我看完大醉俠, 胡金銓導, 鄭佩佩等人演.
整體而言, 我比較喜歡獨臂刀. 但是, 大醉俠有很多片段, 我覺得要細膩的多. 另外, 我也覺得大醉俠的選角要更好. 因為不僅僅是幾個主角很有突出, 就連許多副角都很有特色.

獨臂刀一開始我覺得交代的不夠清楚. 不清楚的地方是主角長大後的苦悶, 我不是很瞭解. 我只看到他被同門欺壓, 我覺得他應該憤怒. 但是, 他卻有另一種更深的困擾. 可以猜是和他父親有關. 可是問題就出在這裡, 電影一開始, 他父親就死了, 我完全無時間去深入這種感覺. 另一方面, 我感到一層隔閡, 可能也和我自己有關係, 就和我看不懂愛情戲一樣. 在故事情節上, 越到後面越交代的清楚. 雖說, 我覺得有些地方還是讓我感覺到在看一格一格情節. 即使如此, 在塑造主角的個性上, 這部電影卻是極其成功. 到了最後一個畫面的時候, 一個人物清楚的呈現在觀眾面前. 感覺到這時的他以不再是一個感情混亂的青年, 無論在愛情上, 武功上, 對師門的情感, 自己命運的掌握, 都有了一定的方向. 這電影成功的另一個部分就是講理很成功. 表現在台詞對白上. 師父一開始對兩個師兄和師妹的責備, 小蠻對主角的傾訴, 到最後主角為了救師門對小蠻的一番解釋, 都入情入理. 我覺得很難得. 很多非武俠片都不見得比的上.

大醉俠我覺得輸就輸在劇情上. 因為他的劇情其實更複雜. 其中還有許許多多要鬥智的地方. 但是, 劇組最後的解決辦法放在兩個世外高人身上, 造成了整部片子的敗筆. 實在很可惜. 而且, 片名為大醉俠, 但是, 我覺得我更關心金燕子甚於大醉俠. 結局上, 大醉俠的結局感覺上算是完整的. 不過, 我始終都不覺得那是主菜. 實際上的主菜我感覺我才吃了一半就拿走了, 換成甜點. 有點可惜. 但是, 我仍很喜歡不少片段. 尤其是金燕子出場的那一段. 我就覺得不僅僅是鄭佩佩很棒, 那幾位壞人更是出色. 可以算是很經典的一幕. 鄭佩佩向大醉俠請教的那一個段子也還可以. 金燕子的角色是滿成功的. 我想後來出了一些金燕子單獨的電影也可以說是其來有自吧.

Is unknow language a sound, or a language?

I like to listen to songs that I could not understand sometimes. I listen to Russian, Spanish, French, Mongolian, Turkish, Arabic, Indian, and many others.

Listening to them is a very different experience compared to the songs that I could understand the meaning in lyrics. I feel that some part of my brain is at ease. The lyrics that I do not understand becomes part of music, purely musical. I might follow the phrase at the end of each sentence, but I have no idea of what I was singing. To me, understanding is none existence. But somehow, utter the unknown while following the song makes me melted in the music as well. This is a weird feeling.

But there are moments that I could not listen to those songs. If I was not calm enough, for example. If I was very emotional, I could only listen to songs that I could follow. It is like follow the songs as if that helps express my emotion, which would be hard to do by myself. Could this mean that at those moment, lyrics are more important than musics?

So many things I don't know. lol

new idea on video games

I just had a new idea about video games. lol

I kept reading about brain science. The difference between left brain and right brain is interesting. I just had an idea of putting the players in control of the left brain of the characters in the game. The reasoning is like the following:

1. hardcore fighting is hard. it needs skills. mots people wanted to feel great but did not want to learn, or not able to master all the movement and/or lacking the reaction nerve. This is the reasoning for developers to steer away from hardcore fighting. they are trying to design a system where, people do not need to memorize complicated combo attack, players don't need to memorize the mapping on the keyboard/gamepad, and quicktime events are overabundant.

2. developers need to make player powerful and a sense of achievement, the best way to do it is adding some of the RPG, aka, stats gaining.

3. left brain is in charge of people's daily consciousness. it is broken, slow, and not intuitive. however, to compensate the above mentioned, it has a way of grouping multiple commands into a single solid form. and with practice, this form will be solidified. although as a whole, the now combined commands are limited, it is suffice to compete in a small time frame.

4. with the ability of left brain mentioned above, it is like a combo, where player could take over and control them. right brain is the automated system, like driving a car. and right brain is wehre, developers could design their magic, so to speak. putting many different animations, and things that players could just watch the commands on the screen...

5. the game would be like this, players control left brain. all the right brain could do at the beginning might be functioning through a button. as the RPG kicking in, players could assign more things to the right brain. the whole fight mechanic might just be completely different compared to the beginning. at the beginning, it might feel like Oni, but at the end, according to players, fighting mechanic could eventually evolve into something like diablo, you just need to click senselessly... for those who have no interest in fighting out, the right brain will do it for you. but for those, who actually would like to duke it out and enjoy a good fight, they could use the character's left brain to do just that. I think there should many options for players to decide what kind performance a player prefer. it could go far to the right, or far to the left, and there should have many middle grounds as well.

a study of myself

I think I have known myself well enough to do a research on myself. Where do I start?

First, I think I would like to define the meaning of "self". Since a person grows upon each passing moment, there must be many different "self". So for this article, I am going to write down what I know of myself, how I see myself, at the beginning of my 30th year of breathing. This should not include how I think of my past experience and action. Although my past experience and action brought me here and shape a large part of my self image. The reason for not including those is because I would like to look into mirror right now. If I looked at mirror right now, all I see will be a face, a sum of the results of my past experience and action. I am going to describe those results. That is my purpose here. My past experience and action would be another article.

I am five feet and 3 inches. It surprised me that I talked about my height first. I would always try to think that it does not bother me. I guess it does. I am a Chinese. I have glasses. I am not very pretty, at best, I am not ugly. Although I do not like to look into mirror and I do not like most of the photos I took after I came to USA. I can read, write and speak in Chinese. I also claim that I could speak, write, and read in English. Yes, I claim. I might be able to write the most basic English sentence without getting the most basic grammar wrong. I might be able to speak English, with incomplete pronunciation and accent. I feel that I blurt English words out too quickly with a voice no one can hear. I seemed to read a lot of English, but my memory of them is very poor. My mom read some of the books I read and asked me some of the things she could not understand, I found that half of the time, I did not understand either. So, yes, I could only claim that I am able to read, write, and speak English.

I feel that I am in love with a girl. But I also feel that I know it must be an imagined shadow since I don't really know that girl well. Plus the fact that I have not seen her for more than 7 years. It makes me heart ache to think that I do not really love her. I avert every girl I encounter. Although I feel I would like to know more about them. I feel I try very hard to keep myself away from them. But maybe it is not that hard. Since I have been trying to avoid girls for 7 years now. There are many reasons I myself formulated for doing this. The most basic one is I have nothing to give. I am extremely afraid of failure when I might be turned down. The current statue of myself, with no job, no skill, no income, do not know how to interact. There are always better person out there. I hate departure of people, absolutely Hate it. I will not be able to make her happy, safe, content. I also doubt my sexual ability. I love Nono. I miss her voice, her smile, her dress, the moments I met her in different occasions. But that is okay. I have my memories. I will always have Paris... lol

I always have big dreams when I first started to do something. I am easily discouraged though, very easily. I do not have friends. I might have somebody I could call playmate. I have a hard time making decision. Because you see, pro and con almost always equal themselves out. From this description, I feel I am too greedy. I want both ways. I cannot choose, so I stopped choosing. This is my theory for my difficulty in decision making anyway. It seems that I lack iron will to endure things. When I say, I am going to do something regularly. My promises flop usually.

I look around me, my room is disorganized to the extreme. I look at the clothes I am wearing, they are old and worn, except my pants and sucks. I have a hard time interacting with people. To say hi, takes some thoughts and preparation. And usually, I do not know what to say after Hi. When I see a person I feel I would love to say many interesting things, engage in some chit chat. I could not. The things come out of my mouth is awkward, irrelevant,disengaging. I feel I am just a person sitting far behind the back of my brain watching a bad movie. What could bring myself back to become whole again, is doing exercise, singing, watching a good movie, maybe some reading as well.

When I am with other human beings. I got a problem. How should I move around them? What should I say so I will not offend them? All these problems withhold me from playing basketball. Since I feel there is either I or them. It seems like a quest of decision making. Should I pass the ball? Or should I go for a layup? When I am not able to take an initiation to start a conversation, I could only listen and respond. This angers me. But to make a conversation, I think I need to be more relaxed. According to what I read about brain, my right brain needs to take over some load off my left brain. I probably feel a super strong sense of "I". But on the other hand, I feel I could see people's mood, I feel I am just watching them acting. If I see people around them, I could understand their feeling, their words as well. That sounds like a right brain functioning. Or maybe I am just guessing. The only thing I am sure right now is that I am super confused around people. I am very comfortable around cats and dogs though. But only the friendly ones. I feel sometimes I would flew into a rage if I met a nasty dog, or cat.

This it for tonight. I am turning in.

老衣服

作者: fanghua

那天我又穿起了母親的背心， 小女兒看了吃吃地笑了起來，說 “ 你好像奶奶！”.我知道她的意思是說我穿了母親那件背心看起來比較老，而不是我看起來像她外婆， 畢竟她最後一次看到外婆時才三歲，自然是不會記得我母親的樣子。

每年秋季來臨時， 我照例從收納箱中翻出秋冬季的衣服， 我和母親一樣， 喜歡鮮豔的衣服，即使是冬天的衣服， 也鮮少是寒色的。 母親六十多歲時還在小學教書，上課時， 她的穿著總是比她同年齡的老師年輕。 她說孩子們也喜歡老師穿著鮮豔的衣服，看起來有精神， 不喜歡看到頭發和穿著都是灰灰的“老老師”， 這和她的個性一致，明朗，有朝氣，她的頭發也總是梳理得光光潔潔，整整齊齊的。

可是這個情況在我出國後慢慢有了改變。 出國前媽媽剛退休，身體尚可以出去走走逛逛， 有時我也幫她買衣服， 即使不如從前那麼鮮豔， 至少都是些看起來悅 人眼目的顏色，酒紅的，紫色的，寶藍或竹綠的， 絕對沒有灰色，土黃色或咖啡色等寒色。 後來母親較少出門了， 衣服自然都由嫂嫂們打理。 有回我回去， 她抱怨那些土黃色， 咖啡色的衣服， 讓她看起來臉色不好， 我想可能因為那些是嫂嫂們的母親習慣的顏色吧。 有天早上， 我便推著一歲多的女兒去商店裡給她買了幾件暖色的衣服。 母親皮膚白皙，什麼色都合適， 換了暖色的衣服後， 她臉色果然看起來好了許多， 她的精神也來了， 還記得那天她難得地跟著我和孩子去逛傳統市場，也不嫌人潮擁擠吵雜，我們還在市場的小攤上合吃了一碗當歸土虱湯。


後來媽媽中風，身心俱疲，自然對衣服也就無法講究了， 嫂嫂給她穿什麼， 她就穿什麼， 而這件土黃色，橘色和黑色相間的背心，料子保暖又實穿，就是我最後幾年回去看她時，她身上最常穿的一件。母親離世後， 我看著滿櫃子她穿過的衣服， 挑了些她過去赴宴時常穿的旗袍帶回來，雖然華麗而高雅， 但是我只能收在箱底，偶爾才拿出來看看，只有這件背心， 年年拿出來穿。 在天冷又不出門時， 我喜歡穿上它， 感覺好像回到孩提時被她擁在她的大衣下那種幸福和溫馨， 那麼近， 那麼暖；更更重要的是在廚房做飯時，偶爾抬頭看見窗戶玻璃上映出來穿著那件背心的自己， 我彷佛再一次瞥見母親的身影，有點兒模糊， 卻又那麼的熟悉。。。。

(來源: http://www.smallstation.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=4863)

State of mind

Out of control. panicking, unsatisfactory, disgusted, lonely, fear, anger, shame, fear, cold, murderous heart, lonely, lonely, unresolved, regret, numb, dumb, insecure, shame, trapped, no where to go, on an unstoppable train.

out of control: I have a hard time to reign my desire.
panicking: future seemed to be unknow, but deep down there is a prediction.
unsatisfactory: always.
disgusted: must be me.
lonely: i want to play.
fear: windy in the night.
anger: explosive inside of me. fragile with a dip.
shame: speak no evil.
fear: done.
cold: ignore, boxed inside out.
murderous heart: volcano inside looming.
lonely: friends.
unresolved: to have or not to have
regret: writing this
numb: calm on the outside. make no facial movements.
dumb: move, you dummy...
insecure: what if?
shame: out of toilet papers...
trapped: old man and the sea
no where to go: are there safe?
on an unstoppable train: do I lose grip? or am I not able to?

外婆的故事

這是舅舅跟我說的一個故事. 他說這是外婆說的.

那時, 大陸剛剛淪陷一兩個月. 外婆懷著舅舅, 大概待產期也已經剩下一兩個月了.

這天為了要去看醫生, 走出蘇州市沙皮巷, 他們家那時租賃的狀元大宅去找黃包車. 找到了一個車夫在路旁, 他們跑近前跟他說要去醫院, 好像有一個外婆的妹妹跟著.

車夫看看他們, 很神氣的說, "現在解放了, 人民翻身了, 該你們這些資產階級載我啦."
外婆一聽, 氣炸了. 外婆的小妹可能還在旁勸, "他不載就去找別人. 別跟他鬥!" 外婆拗了起來, 硬是要評個理.

捧著個大肚子, 竟然跑去找警察問: "是不是解放了, 所有人都不用工作啦? 我一個孕婦要坐車去看醫生, 竟然有車夫跟我說現在人民翻身了, 要我這孕婦拉車夫去醫院?!"

警察和外婆他們找到那個車夫說, "你還要吃飯不?"
車夫說, "要."
"要, 那就還得工作啊! 你以為解放了, 就不需要工作啦?!"

言迄,　車夫才把外婆他們載去醫院．　　

古代採風

西門行
出西門，步念之，今日不作樂，當待何時？逮為樂，逮為樂，當及時。
何能愁怫鬱，當復待來茲。釀美酒，炙肥牛，請呼心所歡，可用解憂愁。
人生不滿百，常懷千歲憂。晝短苦夜長，何不秉燭遊。
遊行去去如雲除，弊車贏馬為自儲。


東門行
出東門，不顧歸。來入門，悵欲悲。盎中無斗米儲，還視架上無懸衣。
拔劍東門去，舍中兒母牽衣啼。他家但願富貴，賤妾與君共餔糜。
上用倉浪天故，下當用此黃口兒。
今非，咄！行！吾去為遲，白髮時下難久居。

Kids are quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables..
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

No Sunday Paper

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.


"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?"




The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.


"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".



There was quite and long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,



"Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church today."

不能忘的台詞

電影常常會有不能令人忘懷的地方, 有時候是某個角色, 有時候是某個故事情節, 有時候是鏡頭手法, 有時候是音樂. 但是, 在眾多的東西裏, 唯一可以為人們不斷重複在日常生活裏的, 那就是台詞... 當然, 不是每個人都會把電影裡的台詞都放在嘴邊. 可是當大家談電影時, 台詞卻是最好的笑料之一, 而且可以即興表演. 一旦有人念了出來那段台詞, 電影裡的畫面, 演員的扮相, 面容, 背景音樂, 場景色調, 故事情節等等也盡都浮上腦海裏.

舉例子來說, 如果有人提教父, 你想到啥? An offer you can't refuse? 如果有人提英雄, 我的腦海裏是, 好快的劍. 如果有人提 霸王別姬, 我想到的是我本是女兒生那一段台詞. 這樣講, 是否會有畫面浮上你的腦袋呢?

公無渡河

崔豹《古今注》曰：「〈箜篌引〉，朝鮮津卒霍里子高妻麗玉所作也。

子高晨起刺船，有一白首狂夫，被髮提壺，亂流而渡，其妻隨而止之，不及，遂墮河而死。
於是援箜篌而鼓之，作〈公無渡河〉之曲:

公無渡河，公竟渡河。
墮河而死，當奈公何？

聲甚悽愴，曲終，亦投河而死。
子高還，以其聲語其妻麗玉，麗玉傷之。乃引箜篌而寫其聲，聞者莫不墮淚飲泣焉。
麗玉以其曲傳鄰女麗容，名之曰〈箜篌引〉。」










1.《古今注》卷中〈音樂〉 〈箜篌引〉，朝鮮津卒霍里子高妻麗玉所作也。高晨起刺船，有白首狂夫被髮提壺，亂河流而渡，其妻隨止不及，遂墮河水死。於是援箜篌而鼓之，作〈公無渡河〉之曲，聲甚悽愴，曲終，自投河而死。子高還，以其聲語妻，麗玉傷之。乃引箜篌而寫其聲，聞者莫不墮淚飲泣焉。麗玉以其曲傳鄰女麗容，名之曰〈箜篌引〉。

2.《先秦漢魏晉南北朝詩‧漢詩》卷九〈樂府古辭‧相和歌辭‧相和曲‧箜篌引〉～255～ 一曰〈公無渡河〉，崔豹《古今注》曰：「〈箜篌引〉，朝鮮津卒霍里子高妻麗玉所作也。子高晨起刺船，有一白首狂夫，被髮提壺，亂流而渡，其妻隨而止之，不及，遂墮河而死。於是援箜篌而鼓之，作〈公無渡河〉之曲，聲甚悽愴，曲終，亦投河而死。子高還，以其聲語其妻麗玉，麗玉傷之。乃引箜篌而寫其聲，名曰〈箜篌引〉。」


公無渡河，公竟渡河。
墮河而死，當奈公何？


3. 影片中的歌是韓國歌手李尚恩在 1995 年唱出來.

silent slippery, boom

silent slippery, boom. That is what all I remembered about the last time I totaled a car. That was on a high way. I got very impatient, for the reason was unknown to me this day. I was driving my mom, my sis, and my mom's friends, Shu Ching from Kingdom Hall. It was lightly showered road though the shower had ceased. When I am driving with my mom's friends, or other people while my mom is on the car, she is always nervous. She would tell me to slow down, watch out, or be careful, or some other things. And I would get very annoyed. The more she anxious and uttering, I got more the angrier. I would never understand the reason. That's probably what happened that day.

I switched lane from second to the third. I did not think my speed was above 65 mph. The third lane came to a hold in front of me beyond at least 6 yard, I think. I tried to brake. I knew instantly what happened, the brake did not work, and my car started to slide, like a water jet on a lake. The rest was absolute silence. Until I hit the car in front of me and looked to the back seat for my mom and Shu Ching. I tried steer my car to the road side but to no prevail. Boom.

That was 7 years ago. I felt extremely panicky after reading my uncle's email about my mom's medicare thing just now. I have no idea why this silent slippery boom memory came up. I guess in a way, I feel I am in that situation again. Sometimes I feel I would like to swallow a bomb and let it explode inside of me...

Thoughts on Expendables

I watched expendables last night. I had a great time! As a no brainer action movie, it was awesome. All the casts were awesome, even Jet Li, although he was kind lame in there compared to others.

An action movie should be like this: a simple goal, actions has to have a real cause, emotions have to be felt. comedy is optional although I prefer it over something dark. I think the reason I liked the expendable is because, the interaction between the gangs were simple and humane enough; the plot line had good twist that caused the action to happen; the emotion was felt. All these above mentioned were not just means for eyes to catch something moving. The so called Action movie has to have some psychological impact, which caused our mind to agree with the action that was carried out.

There were some great scenes:

Fight between Steve Austin and Stallone, and how it was ended.
Randy Courture's fighting movement.
Terry Crews's big weapon and shaving knife.
Jason Statham is still Jason Satham.
Gunner Jensen.
Jet Li had some funny lines.
Air Plane assault.
"are you crazy?!"

It was just awesome! The only wish is to find a place for Jet Li. I felt that if the actor was not Jet Li, I would like nothing to improve. But It is Jet Li...

simple words have looming profiles on the wall

My cousin, Wendy, loves to read all kinds of things. She loves to explore and she has the ability and capacity to do so. She posted an interesting audio track introducing Federalist Papers from a CD, which is a college material for social science. I emailed to other people. One of them asked who's the professor for that track. So I emailed my cousin with the question. She kindly sent me the material. I did not know that it is college material at first. When I saw the attachment she sent me, I was a bit surprised. So I emailed her again expressing my surprise by saying, you must be preparing for your daughters, if not, I do not have words for you... Here is her reply:

"It is a college course. I am inspiring myself because I didn't have the chance to choose the major of my interest. ;-)

I borrowed whole course (cd) from library, and it is very helpful."

Simple words. But it is powerful, I think.

知命

論語最後一句話是:

子曰：「不知命，無以為君子也；不知禮，無以立也；不知言，無以知人也。」

命是啥? 我抄錄梁啟超于民國十六年在華北大學的知命與努力的演講. 梁啟超用三個來源:

"《孟子》说：“莫之致而者命也。” 意味並不靠我們去促成, 而它自己當然來的, 便是命.

《荀子》说：“節遇謂之命。” 節是時節, 意味在某一時節偶然遇著的, 命是命.

《禮記》说：“分于道之謂命。” 這一條戴東原解釋的最詳, 他以為道是全體的統一的, 在那全體裡面分一部分出來, 部分對于全體, 自然要受其支配, 那叫做分限, 便是命.

綜合這幾條, 簡單的說, 就是: 我們的行為, 受了一種不可抵抗的力量的支配, 偶然間遇著一個機會, 或者被限制著只許在一定範圍內活動, 這便是命...."

我不是梁啟超, 我對知命稍微有一點點感覺, 所以我現在寫下來.

昨天星期五我在 UPS 的車上, 要推二手車把四個很重的包裹推到一戶人家. 那四個包裹又重又大, 我又確定屋子裡有人, 於是我把它們放在車庫前面. 但是, 我看到包裹上有 perishable 的字樣, 我又看到屋子裡有燈. 我想做個好事, 所以就去按了門鈴. 之後, 我就推著二輪車回 UPS 郵車. 還無走出幾歨, 屋子的門打開了, 出來一個婦人. 他看到我就馬上說, 把東西搬進來. 我猶豫了一下. 因為我腦袋理閃過一個昨天的事, 那時我在客戶簽了名後, 又幫他放了包裹在那人門前. 當時我的 UPS 司機說, 要是他, 他才不理那個客戶呢. 我想他是開玩笑的. 但是, 這個往事卻真的讓我遲疑了一下. 結果我感到那個婦人不高興了. 我趕快又用推車把四個很重的包裹推到那婦人的前門樓梯下. 然後再一個個搬近他的屋子裡. 我的 UPS 司機看到了, 也來幫忙. 我那時是又窘又急, 因為我覺得平常我總是走額外的路到前門送貨, 如今這樣子好像我很懶. 另外, 我也不怎麼高興那個婦人一開始既無笑容也無友善表情的就叫我抬包裹. 我心想, it is not in my job description to do that! I don't need to go for that extra miles...

我想我真的是藏不住我的情緒. 回到車上, 我的 UPS 司機馬上跟我說, 有的人這樣做多半是因為他們有殘疾的人在家裡. 因為那樣的包裹, 多半是給殘疾人的食物包裹. 我想, 我是很幸運又這樣的司機. 他馬上看到我不高興, 說話來解我的不爽. 可是, 我還是不能高興起來. 我想, 要不是今天一方面是星期五, 另一方面我的腰在痛. 說不定我就不會遲疑幾秒鐘了. 我又轉念, 我這樣反應和動作, 有我的因素; 那個婦人那樣反應和表情, 自也有他的原因和理由. 我只能知道自己的原因, 而不能知道他的; 他也是同樣對我一無所知. 可是心裡究竟動了無名. 還好工作繼續不斷, 無名也只好拋掉.

這為啥讓我想到命? 就因為, 我知道我自己的背景因素, 但是那婦人的, 我無法知道; 反之亦同. 這樣的情形, 就讓我覺得這種情況或許就可以算是命的一個意義吧. 那婦人的言語惹惱我, 我自己也因為羞愧, 更是火上添油. 他的情況讓他說了如此, 由如此情緒說出. 我似乎感到我已做了許多, 而又有腰痛, 那婦人如此, 讓我感到不快. 其中種種, 我所能掌控的, 只有我的行動. 他也是一樣. 他看到我遲疑, 心中可能更增不快. 或者本來對他來說只是很正常的要求, 但是因為我的遲疑, 他也困惱. 各互相行其是. 其行各有其源. 雖如此卻又互相影響. 這種情況真是複雜. 但是, 說到底, 我們只能掌握自己的行動.

我老爸說我胸襟狹窄, 還是有點道理...

going forward, how

I am a writer. I write stories for myself. If people asked me, how do you sleep, a question my psychologist loves to ask. My answer was always good. It was not a lie.

I don't know when did this start, but it might start early, earlier than I would like to admit. My recipe of sleeping well is to make up stories as I slip into unconsciousness. It was intensified since my college year. At least that is how I remember now. I am writing this now because like the day I said to myself that my words had dried out. That was in my college year, probably last year. And now, my dream weaving before I slip into a real one has dried up gradually.

Those adolescent dreams. I have no need and heart to describe them here since they were both dry and boring. However, there was one point in the plot line which I was unable to pass through. I think it caused my dream weaving ability to dry up. I will briefly mentioned here. For most of the story, there of course were a boy and a girl. There were processes of these two got acquainted. They of course fell for each other. At first few stories, tragic endings of lives of either boy or girl assumed. After that, a few stories of unknown psychological reasons for boys, who were retarded in showing love. And as time went on, they all lost their chances. This one trend continue until now. I could not find a way to pass the barrier. It is a barrier too wide, too dark, too confusing. I could not find a reason to pass it. I had guts of feeling for those girls. But I could not rationalize to let those boys go forward. Although they were all better looking than me, stronger, smarter, more charming, more talented, taller...etc better than me. Some of them might actually got to kiss and hold girls for a while. But there were no way for them to be united forever. And this makes me crazy. There is no way to go forward! There was no results.

I hit a wall. I could not continue my story. So I created another one, and another one, and another one, and now I am running out of fancies. I don't have many fancies. If I could not tell myself a story to sleep, I have a hard time falling into one.

being alone, doing alone

I hate being alone. I hate doing things alone most. For me, the most fun is from playing basketball where I could contribute. For me, the most fun is doing something with somebody and at the same time I am contributing as well. But my problem now is that although I　ｈａｔｅ　being alone. When I am with somebody else, I feel totally outmatched, I am dwarfed, eh, how I hate that word, dwarfed...

I am working for UPS helper's program again this December. I tried to work hard. But no matter how much I did, or how hard I tried, I could not satisfy myself. There were always some mistakes. And some people always did more packages quicker. My driver is very good. I would like to feel that I did something well. And in fact, I did have that feeling last week until last Friday. When I did not feel outmatched, I always felt I was the best. Deep down, I can see the pattern. I could not stay in some moderate range, I could only see I am either awesome or terrible.

When I am with somebody, I could not talk. It seemed that it's not that I have words to say but could not utter. On the contrary, I have nothing to say, at least it seemed so. Is it because of my English? Is it because I feel fear of other human beings? I could not know. But one thing i am sure. I have nothing to talk about. When I am alone, I did nothing. Surfing online, reading some useless books... I have nothing to say, to show, to discuss with other people. Or maybe the only thing I want to discuss is something I read, books, online articles...all those far away from me as possible. There is no personal anecdote to share. There is no personal experience to exchange with others.

If I started to do something alone, would the situation improve? Like what? I don't know. Maybe I could take up drawing again? But what is the difference between that and reading a book? Well, reading a book leaves no print outside, drawing does. I don't know...how I hate that phrase too...