a study of myself

I think I have known myself well enough to do a research on myself. Where do I start?

First, I think I would like to define the meaning of "self". Since a person grows upon each passing moment, there must be many different "self". So for this article, I am going to write down what I know of myself, how I see myself, at the beginning of my 30th year of breathing. This should not include how I think of my past experience and action. Although my past experience and action brought me here and shape a large part of my self image. The reason for not including those is because I would like to look into mirror right now. If I looked at mirror right now, all I see will be a face, a sum of the results of my past experience and action. I am going to describe those results. That is my purpose here. My past experience and action would be another article.

I am five feet and 3 inches. It surprised me that I talked about my height first. I would always try to think that it does not bother me. I guess it does. I am a Chinese. I have glasses. I am not very pretty, at best, I am not ugly. Although I do not like to look into mirror and I do not like most of the photos I took after I came to USA. I can read, write and speak in Chinese. I also claim that I could speak, write, and read in English. Yes, I claim. I might be able to write the most basic English sentence without getting the most basic grammar wrong. I might be able to speak English, with incomplete pronunciation and accent. I feel that I blurt English words out too quickly with a voice no one can hear. I seemed to read a lot of English, but my memory of them is very poor. My mom read some of the books I read and asked me some of the things she could not understand, I found that half of the time, I did not understand either. So, yes, I could only claim that I am able to read, write, and speak English.

I feel that I am in love with a girl. But I also feel that I know it must be an imagined shadow since I don't really know that girl well. Plus the fact that I have not seen her for more than 7 years. It makes me heart ache to think that I do not really love her. I avert every girl I encounter. Although I feel I would like to know more about them. I feel I try very hard to keep myself away from them. But maybe it is not that hard. Since I have been trying to avoid girls for 7 years now. There are many reasons I myself formulated for doing this. The most basic one is I have nothing to give. I am extremely afraid of failure when I might be turned down. The current statue of myself, with no job, no skill, no income, do not know how to interact. There are always better person out there. I hate departure of people, absolutely Hate it. I will not be able to make her happy, safe, content. I also doubt my sexual ability. I love Nono. I miss her voice, her smile, her dress, the moments I met her in different occasions. But that is okay. I have my memories. I will always have Paris... lol

I always have big dreams when I first started to do something. I am easily discouraged though, very easily. I do not have friends. I might have somebody I could call playmate. I have a hard time making decision. Because you see, pro and con almost always equal themselves out. From this description, I feel I am too greedy. I want both ways. I cannot choose, so I stopped choosing. This is my theory for my difficulty in decision making anyway. It seems that I lack iron will to endure things. When I say, I am going to do something regularly. My promises flop usually.

I look around me, my room is disorganized to the extreme. I look at the clothes I am wearing, they are old and worn, except my pants and sucks. I have a hard time interacting with people. To say hi, takes some thoughts and preparation. And usually, I do not know what to say after Hi. When I see a person I feel I would love to say many interesting things, engage in some chit chat. I could not. The things come out of my mouth is awkward, irrelevant,disengaging. I feel I am just a person sitting far behind the back of my brain watching a bad movie. What could bring myself back to become whole again, is doing exercise, singing, watching a good movie, maybe some reading as well.

When I am with other human beings. I got a problem. How should I move around them? What should I say so I will not offend them? All these problems withhold me from playing basketball. Since I feel there is either I or them. It seems like a quest of decision making. Should I pass the ball? Or should I go for a layup? When I am not able to take an initiation to start a conversation, I could only listen and respond. This angers me. But to make a conversation, I think I need to be more relaxed. According to what I read about brain, my right brain needs to take over some load off my left brain. I probably feel a super strong sense of "I". But on the other hand, I feel I could see people's mood, I feel I am just watching them acting. If I see people around them, I could understand their feeling, their words as well. That sounds like a right brain functioning. Or maybe I am just guessing. The only thing I am sure right now is that I am super confused around people. I am very comfortable around cats and dogs though. But only the friendly ones. I feel sometimes I would flew into a rage if I met a nasty dog, or cat.

This it for tonight. I am turning in.