being alone, doing alone

I hate being alone. I hate doing things alone most. For me, the most fun is from playing basketball where I could contribute. For me, the most fun is doing something with somebody and at the same time I am contributing as well. But my problem now is that although I　ｈａｔｅ　being alone. When I am with somebody else, I feel totally outmatched, I am dwarfed, eh, how I hate that word, dwarfed...

I am working for UPS helper's program again this December. I tried to work hard. But no matter how much I did, or how hard I tried, I could not satisfy myself. There were always some mistakes. And some people always did more packages quicker. My driver is very good. I would like to feel that I did something well. And in fact, I did have that feeling last week until last Friday. When I did not feel outmatched, I always felt I was the best. Deep down, I can see the pattern. I could not stay in some moderate range, I could only see I am either awesome or terrible.

When I am with somebody, I could not talk. It seemed that it's not that I have words to say but could not utter. On the contrary, I have nothing to say, at least it seemed so. Is it because of my English? Is it because I feel fear of other human beings? I could not know. But one thing i am sure. I have nothing to talk about. When I am alone, I did nothing. Surfing online, reading some useless books... I have nothing to say, to show, to discuss with other people. Or maybe the only thing I want to discuss is something I read, books, online articles...all those far away from me as possible. There is no personal anecdote to share. There is no personal experience to exchange with others.

If I started to do something alone, would the situation improve? Like what? I don't know. Maybe I could take up drawing again? But what is the difference between that and reading a book? Well, reading a book leaves no print outside, drawing does. I don't know...how I hate that phrase too...