bonba bonba doodle liddle da da hahahah.
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My biggest gripe when I has a job was that I don't have a life. What a pathetic thing to say. I remember the first time I heard this phrase, I was scoffing at it. "Everything is life", I said. But the appearance of the word is not the mean of its expression...
After I started to really work a little at Mascon, the closest person I can observe every day is Vic. What really impressed me the most was that he can come back tomorrow and told me he's working on his car until dark. He can then showed the work to me with his car. I can't do that. When I go home, I pretty much did next to nothing. And it slowly opened my eyes about other people as well. They do the same thing. Maybe it's not like every day they did something they could tell me. But there's always something.
The whole thing is ironic. Because while I was doing nothing, the people closest to me, was all doing something! My mom, my sister, my uncle... However, I am still doing nothing after I opened my eyes. It frustrated me to eons!
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It is kind new, after a long days of work, don't matter it's warehouse's physical labor, or a data entry's sitting all day long. My heels at the end of the day hurts. Something tightened and made it painful to move. Right now the pain was alright, but I am thinking it's a bad sign...
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Friday, December 14, 2018
Thursday, December 13, 2018
Thoughts about recent works
我最近找了一份暫時工作. 九月中, 這附近發生瓦斯爆炸, 波及的地區很廣. 瓦斯公司給近八千戶重新裝全套熱水暖氣設備, 並且換新的火爐和烘乾機. 這提供我一個工作機會. 一周七天. 都是 data entry.
Data Entry 也有不同種類. 我作的這個主要是利用水電匠或者 Accessor 填好的報告, 把上面的資料填到公司用的 App 裏. 說來有趣, 這個 App 聽說是為了這一次復原計畫而開發的. 好像是在短時間內開發出來. 也因為如此, 這個 App的格式, 介面, 和內容都經常變動. 這個 App 當初開發得時候, 應該是希望水電匠和其他在工地的人可以直接用他們的手機輸入資料. 可是, 在整個過程裏, 就我所知道的, 連線的問題很嚴重. 再加上其他種種我不清楚的原因. 結果, 大部分的資料, 包括個人工作時間, 工作內容, 材料多少, 在哪裡工作, 等等資料最後還是用手填的報告單一份一份送上來.
我一開始是 Accessor, 主要的工作是到每一戶人家去確定他們熱暖設備的型號和種類, 還有其他在施工時要注意的事項. 但是, 這個差事只做了三天. 那三天裏, 沒有一天不是在等待. 因為主辦單位根本一開始不知道要如何安排我們. 在工地上的人和顧我們的人是兩個公司, 似乎溝通不良. 三天的最後一天, 我不幹了, 啥事都沒有, 我就回家了. 我和我的工作介紹所講, 他們叫我回去. 回去後, 我配派去 Commercial District, 作文書工作.
文書工作一開始是 filing, 後來開始 Data Entry. Data Entry 很不容易的地方主要是兩個, 一個是 App 本身, 一個來自手寫的報告(Field Report). App 本身除了經常變動外, 還有速度的問題. 我們所發派的電腦不夠好, 而且使用 App 的人也多的不得了, 光是等所浪費的時間就很可觀. 報告是一個大問題的原因是手寫. 而且資料規格不統一. 不統一造成資料的不完整和不確定性. 手寫除了寫字本身, 也包括水電匠知否到啥資料需要, 資料填寫的格式的前提. 這需要工頭和總部的溝通. App 本身在運用上, 很困難, 考慮一個水匠在工作一天後, 身心俱疲, 還要一條一條輸入當天作的工具和材料. 有時候所有材料寫滿了一整頁, 而 App 的設計在我感覺上並沒有使這項工作輕鬆. App 省力的地方不是在輸入, 而是資料的呈現和整理. 輸入介面依然繁瑣. 如果用手機, 那麼小的螢幕也造成困難吧? 最後一句純粹是猜測...
這裡還有一個屬於事前規劃的問題. 我一開始 Data Entry, 大部分的輸入流程, 似乎都沒有建立. 我們一群份派到這裡的人不斷交頭接耳, 互相詢問, 有一個女孩, Rossi 一直去找我們的 Commercial Super, 可是他是 Commercial Super, 不是 Data Entry 的 Super... 我們輸入的也不只是 Commercial 還有其他九個居民區加其他特殊區域. 結果, 每個人各自為政, 該附的文件附在不一樣的地方. 報告裏的該放上去的說明漏掉, 更重要的是連報告上的簽名, 我以為只要 GRS 的, 結果到最後有四百份報告需要追加水電工公司的簽名! 我覺得好奇怪. 因為我覺得這應該是統一好的. 這份資料最後需要交給誰, 這一個 "誰", 或者是一群 "誰", 他們需要甚麼樣的資料? 他們應該要事先很我們說了, 我在們輸入資料的時候, 才能夠完整的, 統一的, 完成工作. 報告該追加的資料也可以短期內追加.
但是, 同時. 我依然看到一個我這五年來看到的一件事情. 就是, 沒有一件事是一開始就格式清楚, 流程順利的. 要等到這些條件都完成了, 很多很多事都連開始都很困難. 大部分的時候, 真的就是交頭接耳, 互相詢問, 可是, 我還是覺得到最後, 變成各自為政還是應該可以避免的. 這裏, 我開始講一下, 我在這次有啥不足處! 我一開始也去問很多問題. 但是這些問題有不少都得不到具體的答案. 幾次下來後, 我變的裹足不前. 有的地方, 我一開始做我覺得對的事情. 但是, 不久, 我就懶下來, 不能堅持做應該做的事. 最後, 這一次的工作裏, 我刻意不想去深究我不知道的事情. 甚至故意去忘記. 這是很不好的事情. 如果我沒有想到, 那也算了. 可是, 如果我想到, 卻因為怯懦, 懶散而不去深究, 這是很糟糕的事情! 不能堅持支撐做應該做的事情, 即使得不到別人的支持, 也還是要堅持.
我很害怕如果我堅持, 這就顯出我的價值, 但是, 如果別人不認同我所堅持的是有價值的. 我怕我自己會受不了. 所以我乾脆不要堅持... 我不要自滿自傲, 可是我怎麼可以放棄做對的事呢? 這個堅持, 也不過是最基本的. 這個放棄了, 那還剩甚麼呢? 可是我會因此自滿嗎?
另外, 我仍然不會問問題. 我覺得當時和 Super 就可以就完整性和一致性的問題溝通出一個滿意的答案. 並且希望問一個比較全面的問題. 而不是瑣碎又頻繁的問一些小事情.
很感謝這一次的機會! 也認是一些很好的人:
George: 很安靜一個黑人. 似乎對電腦很在行. 很安靜的做自己的事. 他用 excel 做了一個 time sheet 幫助我們把總時間分開給一個地址卻有好多單位的報告. 他主動和不同的工頭聯絡詢問報告上, 或其他我不知道的事情. 因為他好像還幫 Super 做其他的事情.
Rossi: 一個多明尼加裔的女孩. 個性很開朗. 第一次注意到他是第一天去的時候, 他堅持要做他要做的事. 和那邊的每一個人都很聊得開! 連老工頭 jim fabyan 都可以! 他和 Super 更是成為好朋友, Super 也委派他很多不同的工作. 他本身是 IT 的.
Marlyse: 一位中年婦人. 工作能力很好, 很具備職業態度. 他來知前, 我幾乎快被淹死. 因為我被分派了一份從頭到尾幾乎都還沒做過的電匠公司. 我一開始覺得還可以, 也就一天一天做下去. 但是, 做了將近兩星期 Super 問我還要多久. 之前我都說還好, 可是兩星期下來, 每幾天就來一大批. 那一次, 我算了一下, 至少需要再兩三個星期. Super 馬上給我找了 Marlyse. 這是我的運氣! 因為我後來光一個地址有十二的單位, 我又把這種情況的地址從一開始就想等到最後再來做. 結果當我開始做的時, 我累積了 27 個報告. 實際等於多出 27 X 12 個報告!! 我這一電匠公司算是最早完的, 完成度在我離開時也還好, 要謝謝 Marlyse! 我臨走的時候, 他跟我要了電話, 他說, 或許還會見面, 因為都是同一個工作介紹所.
Data Entry 也有不同種類. 我作的這個主要是利用水電匠或者 Accessor 填好的報告, 把上面的資料填到公司用的 App 裏. 說來有趣, 這個 App 聽說是為了這一次復原計畫而開發的. 好像是在短時間內開發出來. 也因為如此, 這個 App的格式, 介面, 和內容都經常變動. 這個 App 當初開發得時候, 應該是希望水電匠和其他在工地的人可以直接用他們的手機輸入資料. 可是, 在整個過程裏, 就我所知道的, 連線的問題很嚴重. 再加上其他種種我不清楚的原因. 結果, 大部分的資料, 包括個人工作時間, 工作內容, 材料多少, 在哪裡工作, 等等資料最後還是用手填的報告單一份一份送上來.
我一開始是 Accessor, 主要的工作是到每一戶人家去確定他們熱暖設備的型號和種類, 還有其他在施工時要注意的事項. 但是, 這個差事只做了三天. 那三天裏, 沒有一天不是在等待. 因為主辦單位根本一開始不知道要如何安排我們. 在工地上的人和顧我們的人是兩個公司, 似乎溝通不良. 三天的最後一天, 我不幹了, 啥事都沒有, 我就回家了. 我和我的工作介紹所講, 他們叫我回去. 回去後, 我配派去 Commercial District, 作文書工作.
文書工作一開始是 filing, 後來開始 Data Entry. Data Entry 很不容易的地方主要是兩個, 一個是 App 本身, 一個來自手寫的報告(Field Report). App 本身除了經常變動外, 還有速度的問題. 我們所發派的電腦不夠好, 而且使用 App 的人也多的不得了, 光是等所浪費的時間就很可觀. 報告是一個大問題的原因是手寫. 而且資料規格不統一. 不統一造成資料的不完整和不確定性. 手寫除了寫字本身, 也包括水電匠知否到啥資料需要, 資料填寫的格式的前提. 這需要工頭和總部的溝通. App 本身在運用上, 很困難, 考慮一個水匠在工作一天後, 身心俱疲, 還要一條一條輸入當天作的工具和材料. 有時候所有材料寫滿了一整頁, 而 App 的設計在我感覺上並沒有使這項工作輕鬆. App 省力的地方不是在輸入, 而是資料的呈現和整理. 輸入介面依然繁瑣. 如果用手機, 那麼小的螢幕也造成困難吧? 最後一句純粹是猜測...
這裡還有一個屬於事前規劃的問題. 我一開始 Data Entry, 大部分的輸入流程, 似乎都沒有建立. 我們一群份派到這裡的人不斷交頭接耳, 互相詢問, 有一個女孩, Rossi 一直去找我們的 Commercial Super, 可是他是 Commercial Super, 不是 Data Entry 的 Super... 我們輸入的也不只是 Commercial 還有其他九個居民區加其他特殊區域. 結果, 每個人各自為政, 該附的文件附在不一樣的地方. 報告裏的該放上去的說明漏掉, 更重要的是連報告上的簽名, 我以為只要 GRS 的, 結果到最後有四百份報告需要追加水電工公司的簽名! 我覺得好奇怪. 因為我覺得這應該是統一好的. 這份資料最後需要交給誰, 這一個 "誰", 或者是一群 "誰", 他們需要甚麼樣的資料? 他們應該要事先很我們說了, 我在們輸入資料的時候, 才能夠完整的, 統一的, 完成工作. 報告該追加的資料也可以短期內追加.
但是, 同時. 我依然看到一個我這五年來看到的一件事情. 就是, 沒有一件事是一開始就格式清楚, 流程順利的. 要等到這些條件都完成了, 很多很多事都連開始都很困難. 大部分的時候, 真的就是交頭接耳, 互相詢問, 可是, 我還是覺得到最後, 變成各自為政還是應該可以避免的. 這裏, 我開始講一下, 我在這次有啥不足處! 我一開始也去問很多問題. 但是這些問題有不少都得不到具體的答案. 幾次下來後, 我變的裹足不前. 有的地方, 我一開始做我覺得對的事情. 但是, 不久, 我就懶下來, 不能堅持做應該做的事. 最後, 這一次的工作裏, 我刻意不想去深究我不知道的事情. 甚至故意去忘記. 這是很不好的事情. 如果我沒有想到, 那也算了. 可是, 如果我想到, 卻因為怯懦, 懶散而不去深究, 這是很糟糕的事情! 不能堅持支撐做應該做的事情, 即使得不到別人的支持, 也還是要堅持.
我很害怕如果我堅持, 這就顯出我的價值, 但是, 如果別人不認同我所堅持的是有價值的. 我怕我自己會受不了. 所以我乾脆不要堅持... 我不要自滿自傲, 可是我怎麼可以放棄做對的事呢? 這個堅持, 也不過是最基本的. 這個放棄了, 那還剩甚麼呢? 可是我會因此自滿嗎?
另外, 我仍然不會問問題. 我覺得當時和 Super 就可以就完整性和一致性的問題溝通出一個滿意的答案. 並且希望問一個比較全面的問題. 而不是瑣碎又頻繁的問一些小事情.
很感謝這一次的機會! 也認是一些很好的人:
George: 很安靜一個黑人. 似乎對電腦很在行. 很安靜的做自己的事. 他用 excel 做了一個 time sheet 幫助我們把總時間分開給一個地址卻有好多單位的報告. 他主動和不同的工頭聯絡詢問報告上, 或其他我不知道的事情. 因為他好像還幫 Super 做其他的事情.
Rossi: 一個多明尼加裔的女孩. 個性很開朗. 第一次注意到他是第一天去的時候, 他堅持要做他要做的事. 和那邊的每一個人都很聊得開! 連老工頭 jim fabyan 都可以! 他和 Super 更是成為好朋友, Super 也委派他很多不同的工作. 他本身是 IT 的.
Marlyse: 一位中年婦人. 工作能力很好, 很具備職業態度. 他來知前, 我幾乎快被淹死. 因為我被分派了一份從頭到尾幾乎都還沒做過的電匠公司. 我一開始覺得還可以, 也就一天一天做下去. 但是, 做了將近兩星期 Super 問我還要多久. 之前我都說還好, 可是兩星期下來, 每幾天就來一大批. 那一次, 我算了一下, 至少需要再兩三個星期. Super 馬上給我找了 Marlyse. 這是我的運氣! 因為我後來光一個地址有十二的單位, 我又把這種情況的地址從一開始就想等到最後再來做. 結果當我開始做的時, 我累積了 27 個報告. 實際等於多出 27 X 12 個報告!! 我這一電匠公司算是最早完的, 完成度在我離開時也還好, 要謝謝 Marlyse! 我臨走的時候, 他跟我要了電話, 他說, 或許還會見面, 因為都是同一個工作介紹所.
Monday, November 26, 2018
Wei's Pork belly recipe
My sister, Wei April, marinated pork belly for us to bring home and roast, using her special sauce. She recently picked up a new diet, a sort of keto diet, with her own special flavor. While doing her research, like reading 5 books a week, surfing internet, and watching youtube, she is also an activist. She totally revamped her and her husband diet, she get up early to make breakfast for her hubby which she could never get up early; started to eat a lot of healthy organic natural fat, stop eating carbo, or cut a huge chunk of daily portion...
During the transformation, we talked some and I learned some. I already know about her gastro problem. But the extent is scary. Because of this, she and PQ both drank a lot of fruit by using vitamix. But that doesn't seemed to help. Since she's one with the action, she went to see many specialists for the problem. But they did not help. Some even made it worse.
I, myself was in very bad shape since the end of this summer. I now believe my own problem has something to do with the Post Office, where I worked quite a bit during summer. It has something to do with the convenience to go to bathroom. While on route to deliver, and even in office prepping, due to the time pressure, I often has strained myself. Straining myself creates problem. This realization came while talking to my sister. When she still worked at her job, her gastro problem was not this bad. But when she quit and started to go full time ministry for JW, the problem started to worsen. She thinks it's due to stress and the inconvenience of limited bathroom access. This realization made her change her life style a few times.
Mom is worried about my sister very much. And seeing her take actions to adapt and change. The effort my sister is making. I think it gives her comfort. Pray to Jehovah. Thanks to him, for them to share this faith, and come together under his congregation. The patience and love he showed them! Jehovah is to be thanks!!
Sunday, October 07, 2018
書鈔: 那時候的論戰
李清照可比陸放翁 阮文達
----------馬星野先生函述對兩位詞人的看法
"陸游與李清照" 及 "再談李清照" 兩文刊出後, 又承馬星野先生賜長函指教, 對其在 "讀報觀影罪言" 中, 以陸游與李清照相比, 作了詳盡的說明. 馬先生為新聞文化界眾望所歸的耆宿. 我雖未獲親沾教澤, 但其門人子弟中, 甚多與我相交極深, 因而我對馬先生的光風霽月, 亦久已心嚮往之. 我寫那兩篇專欄的動機, 文章已經明白交代, 絕無易安, 放翁不能相提並論知意; 尤其是馬先生以其德望為社會風氣沉淪, 作此振臂之呼, 我即曾作論評予以響應. 談李清照, 不過是鑒於當前激勵民心士氣的作品太少, 藉此以抒個人感喟而已. 汪公紀先生和馬先生同是我最敬重的先進, 縱有見仁見智的看法, 卻同是憂國憂時, 讀者如將我的兩篇專欄與馬先生來函對照一讀, 便知根本上並無衝突之處; 但我仍願在此向馬先生致萬分歉意!
下面是馬先生的來信全文:
文達先生:
我是你專欄 "隨緣隨筆" 的固定讀者, 素佩彩筆有光. 前讀 "談陸游與李清照"兩篇大作 (中有公紀兄之投函), 提及我在中央日報刊出的一篇 "罪言" 中的 "男的不作陸游, 女的不作李清照" 的兩句話, 指出了許多卓見. 致為感謝.
陸游與李清照, 是否相同類型的人物, 能否相提並論, 我決不敢固執己見, 但他們二人在文學上, 在品格, 同樣是百代同欽, 其作品萬口爭傳, 是不分軒輊的. 因為我讀書不多, 只是童年時讀過放翁的劍南詩抄與易安的漱玉詞, 至今猶能記憶, 認為放翁易安, 同為我畢生最欽佩之文豪, 唐有杜甫, 漢有班昭, 南宋有放翁易安, 均為奇葩美玉, 光輝萬丈, 此點, 先生及公紀兄亦有同感.
先生指出陸游亦有兒女情長之文字, 而已 "釵頭鳳" 為例, 而易安則所作全為 "亡國之哀音, 終其生只是為恩愛夫婦生活歌頌, 為家庭破碎而哀怨." 似乎先生所指陸游與李清照, 比擬不倫, 陸游只能與辛棄疾相比. 其實, 陸游的愛國懷鄉與李清照之故國情深, 詩詞多少, 雖有不同, 其心情是一樣的. 而放翁之對於唐氏表妹(他的妻子)與易安之永懷趙明誠(他的丈夫), 同樣是忠于愛情, 刻骨銘心, 永矢不諼(ㄒㄩㄢ)的神聖愛情, 而這種對愛情的忠實, 與一人對國家之忠, 對父母之笑一樣可敬的.
長生殿作者洪昉思, 在該劇開端時便說: "昭白日, 垂青史, 感金石, 迴天地, 算臣忠子孝, 總由情至." 我們不能因李清照之愛國詩詞份量少, 而說她只解兒女私情, 也不能因為陸游愛國詩多, 而說他一味豪壯. 李清照之忠于愛情, 古人多有完論, 改嫁之說, 為忌妒者之造謠(詳見李清照集二三五頁). 李清照雖屬女流, 但批評起同時代文豪如柳永等, 是絲毫不客氣的: "露華倒影柳三變, 桂子飄香張九成", 這便是他不齒柳永等靡靡之音的直率詩句. 所以當時文人, 已為他十分驕傲, 因而造謠誹謗, 倒說他改嫁張某為話頭. 改嫁在現在看來, 不算一回事, 在當時 "一女不事二夫" 的道德律下, 事很被人看不起的.
李清照之招謗, 由於他大膽批評柳永等. 他說: "本朝(宋)柳屯田永, 變舊聲作新聲, 出樂章集, 大得聲稱于世. 雖協音律, 而詞語塵下, 又有張子野, 宋子京兄弟沈啓, 元絳, 晁次膺, 等輩出, 雖時有妙語, 而破碎何足名家. 至晏丞相(殊), 歐楊永叔(修), 蘇子瞻(軾), 學際夫人, 作為小歌詞, 直如酌蠡水於大海, 然皆句讀不葺(ㄑ一ˋ)之詩耳, 又往往不協音律..." 這一段話, 把北宋南渡前後大名家, 統統批評, 難怪他受盡謠諑, 然終得湔雪. 李清照到了垂老, 還要學花木蘭, 有詩曰: "佛貍定見卯年死, 貴賤紛紛尚流徙, 滿眼驊騮及綠耳, 時危安得真致此. 木蘭橫戈好女子, 老兵不復志千里, 但願將相過淮水." 當時易安居士以五十三歲.
李易安金石錄前後序中, 可見其與趙明誠蒐集中國金石之苦心, 由其是南渡之後, 明誠病死, 易安以一孤孀, 將數千件文物東搬西搬, 喪失殆盡, 其辛苦及悲哀之情, 其愛護中華國寶之深, 非今日收藏家之所及. 故在中國文化上, 中國文學上, 人格風采上, 李易安在女性中, 真千古一人, 豈遜于錄放翁.
我前月看張至雲小姐演出 "玉唐春", 審判官紅袍說: 王金龍可比得上鄭元和(李娃傳中男主角), 對面藍袍說: "那鄭元和是前輩先生, 哪能與王公子來比, 比不得." 孫麗虹演王金龍, 堅持著說, "比得的, 比得的!" 我覺得用李清照比陸游, 也是 "比得的, 比得的!"
嬉笑之言, 尚乞阮先生雅諒, 亦請對宋代詩詞興趣的學者文豪們, 賜教賜教, 即請
筆安!
---------------馬星野敬上
(我花了兩個小時才把這篇文章搬上來, 目的只為了倒數第二段. "比得的, 比得的!" 感覺這個結尾實在很古代!我現在累了, 等那天或許再想說啥...)
(阮文達是我外公的書, 他喜歡的. 他過世時, 從舅舅家拿來的. 好像是媽媽拿的. 也算記念吧...)
----------馬星野先生函述對兩位詞人的看法
"陸游與李清照" 及 "再談李清照" 兩文刊出後, 又承馬星野先生賜長函指教, 對其在 "讀報觀影罪言" 中, 以陸游與李清照相比, 作了詳盡的說明. 馬先生為新聞文化界眾望所歸的耆宿. 我雖未獲親沾教澤, 但其門人子弟中, 甚多與我相交極深, 因而我對馬先生的光風霽月, 亦久已心嚮往之. 我寫那兩篇專欄的動機, 文章已經明白交代, 絕無易安, 放翁不能相提並論知意; 尤其是馬先生以其德望為社會風氣沉淪, 作此振臂之呼, 我即曾作論評予以響應. 談李清照, 不過是鑒於當前激勵民心士氣的作品太少, 藉此以抒個人感喟而已. 汪公紀先生和馬先生同是我最敬重的先進, 縱有見仁見智的看法, 卻同是憂國憂時, 讀者如將我的兩篇專欄與馬先生來函對照一讀, 便知根本上並無衝突之處; 但我仍願在此向馬先生致萬分歉意!
下面是馬先生的來信全文:
文達先生:
我是你專欄 "隨緣隨筆" 的固定讀者, 素佩彩筆有光. 前讀 "談陸游與李清照"兩篇大作 (中有公紀兄之投函), 提及我在中央日報刊出的一篇 "罪言" 中的 "男的不作陸游, 女的不作李清照" 的兩句話, 指出了許多卓見. 致為感謝.
陸游與李清照, 是否相同類型的人物, 能否相提並論, 我決不敢固執己見, 但他們二人在文學上, 在品格, 同樣是百代同欽, 其作品萬口爭傳, 是不分軒輊的. 因為我讀書不多, 只是童年時讀過放翁的劍南詩抄與易安的漱玉詞, 至今猶能記憶, 認為放翁易安, 同為我畢生最欽佩之文豪, 唐有杜甫, 漢有班昭, 南宋有放翁易安, 均為奇葩美玉, 光輝萬丈, 此點, 先生及公紀兄亦有同感.
先生指出陸游亦有兒女情長之文字, 而已 "釵頭鳳" 為例, 而易安則所作全為 "亡國之哀音, 終其生只是為恩愛夫婦生活歌頌, 為家庭破碎而哀怨." 似乎先生所指陸游與李清照, 比擬不倫, 陸游只能與辛棄疾相比. 其實, 陸游的愛國懷鄉與李清照之故國情深, 詩詞多少, 雖有不同, 其心情是一樣的. 而放翁之對於唐氏表妹(他的妻子)與易安之永懷趙明誠(他的丈夫), 同樣是忠于愛情, 刻骨銘心, 永矢不諼(ㄒㄩㄢ)的神聖愛情, 而這種對愛情的忠實, 與一人對國家之忠, 對父母之笑一樣可敬的.
長生殿作者洪昉思, 在該劇開端時便說: "昭白日, 垂青史, 感金石, 迴天地, 算臣忠子孝, 總由情至." 我們不能因李清照之愛國詩詞份量少, 而說她只解兒女私情, 也不能因為陸游愛國詩多, 而說他一味豪壯. 李清照之忠于愛情, 古人多有完論, 改嫁之說, 為忌妒者之造謠(詳見李清照集二三五頁). 李清照雖屬女流, 但批評起同時代文豪如柳永等, 是絲毫不客氣的: "露華倒影柳三變, 桂子飄香張九成", 這便是他不齒柳永等靡靡之音的直率詩句. 所以當時文人, 已為他十分驕傲, 因而造謠誹謗, 倒說他改嫁張某為話頭. 改嫁在現在看來, 不算一回事, 在當時 "一女不事二夫" 的道德律下, 事很被人看不起的.
李清照之招謗, 由於他大膽批評柳永等. 他說: "本朝(宋)柳屯田永, 變舊聲作新聲, 出樂章集, 大得聲稱于世. 雖協音律, 而詞語塵下, 又有張子野, 宋子京兄弟沈啓, 元絳, 晁次膺, 等輩出, 雖時有妙語, 而破碎何足名家. 至晏丞相(殊), 歐楊永叔(修), 蘇子瞻(軾), 學際夫人, 作為小歌詞, 直如酌蠡水於大海, 然皆句讀不葺(ㄑ一ˋ)之詩耳, 又往往不協音律..." 這一段話, 把北宋南渡前後大名家, 統統批評, 難怪他受盡謠諑, 然終得湔雪. 李清照到了垂老, 還要學花木蘭, 有詩曰: "佛貍定見卯年死, 貴賤紛紛尚流徙, 滿眼驊騮及綠耳, 時危安得真致此. 木蘭橫戈好女子, 老兵不復志千里, 但願將相過淮水." 當時易安居士以五十三歲.
李易安金石錄前後序中, 可見其與趙明誠蒐集中國金石之苦心, 由其是南渡之後, 明誠病死, 易安以一孤孀, 將數千件文物東搬西搬, 喪失殆盡, 其辛苦及悲哀之情, 其愛護中華國寶之深, 非今日收藏家之所及. 故在中國文化上, 中國文學上, 人格風采上, 李易安在女性中, 真千古一人, 豈遜于錄放翁.
我前月看張至雲小姐演出 "玉唐春", 審判官紅袍說: 王金龍可比得上鄭元和(李娃傳中男主角), 對面藍袍說: "那鄭元和是前輩先生, 哪能與王公子來比, 比不得." 孫麗虹演王金龍, 堅持著說, "比得的, 比得的!" 我覺得用李清照比陸游, 也是 "比得的, 比得的!"
嬉笑之言, 尚乞阮先生雅諒, 亦請對宋代詩詞興趣的學者文豪們, 賜教賜教, 即請
筆安!
---------------馬星野敬上
(我花了兩個小時才把這篇文章搬上來, 目的只為了倒數第二段. "比得的, 比得的!" 感覺這個結尾實在很古代!我現在累了, 等那天或許再想說啥...)
(阮文達是我外公的書, 他喜歡的. 他過世時, 從舅舅家拿來的. 好像是媽媽拿的. 也算記念吧...)
a quote about happiness
Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived. ---Eleanor Roosevelt
Saw this a while ago. Thought it really meaningful. And as usual went and searched for it's source. I found it is from a book Eleanor wrote in 1960.
The whole quote is a bit different, I don't know why.
"Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product. Paradoxically, the one sure way not to be happy is deliberately to map out a way of life in which one would please oneself completely and exclusively. After a short time, a very short time, there would be little that one really enjoyed. For what keeps our interest in life and makes us look forward to tomorrow is giving pleasure to other people."
Saw this at brainpickings.org. The article quotes another paragraph right behind the above ones:
"It is easy to slip into self-absorption and it is equally fatal. When one becomes absorbed in himself, in his health, in his personal problems, or in the small details of daily living, he is, at the same time losing interest in other people; worse, he is losing his ties to life. From that it is an easy step to losing interest in the world and in life itself. That is the beginning of death. "
I find I am that quotation, just by admitting it is living the words... By golly...
Tuesday, October 02, 2018
Writing something
我一直都有一種奇怪的現象. 就是我自己獨處的時候, 我就會開始徬徨. 一種完全迷路的感覺. 我知道自己在那裡, 可是下一步是啥, 卻是全無著落. 甚至自己要做甚麼也很無確定. 那種迷恍, 足以震動自己是否存在的意識. 那個時候, 就算腦袋裏閃過有啥事要做的時候, 都把這些事都否決掉, 大部分時候, 連要啥事要做的想法都無.
昨天就是這樣. 今天依然如此. 我總覺得我得寫一寫, 可是這事已經想了好久好久! 為啥下手做事是這樣的困難.
昨天就是這樣. 今天依然如此. 我總覺得我得寫一寫, 可是這事已經想了好久好久! 為啥下手做事是這樣的困難.
Something to write
It's been almost 3 months now since my last entry.
I've been dabbing in Postal service throughout the summer. I mean not just an Assistant Rural Carrier, which only works on Sunday and Holiday. I also worked on weekdays, basically worked as a regular part time, like an RCA(Rural Carrier Assistant). The Middleton office needed quite a bit of help during summer time. There are people taking two week vocation, and other people sporadically taking days off as well. There are 4 routes with regular carriers, and 1 route without. And there's only 2 RCA between July and August. I did route 1 for quite a bit during that time. My trainer, Stephanie was really good at gauging how much I could do so I won't be overwhelmed. At the end, I could deliver about 75% of route 1 by myself. But casing the mail and sorting packages into delivery order was a whole different matter.
I used to work as UPS driver's assistant for seasonal job for 3 years. I always believed that I could work as a package deliverer. But mail is another matter. The volume itself is a significant increase. The sorting part is hard for me too. There're categories of letters, Flats, small parcels, and large parcels(packages), and weekly bulk mails(market basket weekly..etc). I still need about 4 hours to case all of them, might not include the pull down time(pull the letter, flats, and small parcels down from shelves into trays...). Then there's the packages. They don't print out packages list for us. The regular carriers are so used to the routes, they could simply just remember them. I can't do that, I need to first write them down, and then put tags in between mails to remind myself. As of this moment, I tried to just use the list. But the placement of package is a issue as well. How to quickly get to each package is still hard for me. I know the general location of each package but still need to finger through many of them to get to the right ones. As for casing the mail, I felt that I know enough to sort mails onto shelves. But after I finish casing the letters, it's usually 11:30! I should finish casing at around 930! That's 2 hour difference!
And for the last two weeks, my speed was shrank dramatically! I don't know it's due to fatigue, or my sickness. I've been sick for almost a month now. It started at the end of summer. I could feel it. When I was driving around, there's no people around me. That somehow unchecked me inside. I would feel intense emotion, usually sadness, anger, hatred, or jealousy. I kept thinking of her, not being able to be with her made me really sad, it's an gut wrench, everything just smashed into each other. I felt intense sadness. Then I would ask myself questions. My answers trigger rage, then it turned into hatred, and started to count all of my weakness. Then I would think of people that worthy of her. It went into a cycle, jealousy, rage, sadness. I would yell, even cry while driving.
But maybe it's not all bad. I mentioned those because, bad memories burned the biggest hole in our psychic? I like to sing, I like to see the dogs on routes. I just saw an adorable tiny chow chow last week! My gosh, he was adorable. There was another dog at 15 Norma, I really loved that dog. I knew he was independent the first time I saw him. He just followed my every move the first time, extremely alert. The second time I needed to get off the truck to deliver a package, he followed me and barked. He even tried to get behind me. He was a perfect guard dog. But when I talked to Donna, the regular on the route, she first apologized that she should remind me of that dog. She did not realize that I really liked the dog! :)
I am not sure how long I will be able to put up with this though. I do miss working with people. In the beginning, I told myself, if its easy, do it quickly and accurately. Like, "會計當而已矣". But after 3 months, I still could not get it done efficiently, the frustration started to brew.
-------------------------------
榕要回台灣了. 一開始是美芳告訴我的, 繼而胡熒阿姨也和我說了. Tom 的婚禮上, 榕也證實這一點. 之後, 榕的男友也總算來了美國一次. 我鼓起了勇氣跟其他人要照片, 但是, 其他人都沒有回應. 我又想用一本之前買的一本本子做記念冊. 我收集了一些照片, 拖了一段時光. 到最後
才來看怎麼把這本冊子裝訂完成...太晚了! 結果我只好急急的上 shutterfly 做了一本記念冊. 雖說照片收集, 和照片合成之前都做了一點. 但是畢竟太急, 東西來的時候, 差強人意... 大大差強人意. 重複的照片, 照片的大小, 文字的點綴.... 不談了. :p 另外, 現在我才知道榕是十月十四才要離開美國... 實在沒必要那麼趕...
這個星期五要去 Jo 家 party, 算是歡送. 我也被邀請, 每次感覺見到榕都感覺是最後一次. 這次大概是真的最後一次了. 不知道要怎麼謝謝 Jo...
-----------------------------
I've been dabbing in Postal service throughout the summer. I mean not just an Assistant Rural Carrier, which only works on Sunday and Holiday. I also worked on weekdays, basically worked as a regular part time, like an RCA(Rural Carrier Assistant). The Middleton office needed quite a bit of help during summer time. There are people taking two week vocation, and other people sporadically taking days off as well. There are 4 routes with regular carriers, and 1 route without. And there's only 2 RCA between July and August. I did route 1 for quite a bit during that time. My trainer, Stephanie was really good at gauging how much I could do so I won't be overwhelmed. At the end, I could deliver about 75% of route 1 by myself. But casing the mail and sorting packages into delivery order was a whole different matter.
I used to work as UPS driver's assistant for seasonal job for 3 years. I always believed that I could work as a package deliverer. But mail is another matter. The volume itself is a significant increase. The sorting part is hard for me too. There're categories of letters, Flats, small parcels, and large parcels(packages), and weekly bulk mails(market basket weekly..etc). I still need about 4 hours to case all of them, might not include the pull down time(pull the letter, flats, and small parcels down from shelves into trays...). Then there's the packages. They don't print out packages list for us. The regular carriers are so used to the routes, they could simply just remember them. I can't do that, I need to first write them down, and then put tags in between mails to remind myself. As of this moment, I tried to just use the list. But the placement of package is a issue as well. How to quickly get to each package is still hard for me. I know the general location of each package but still need to finger through many of them to get to the right ones. As for casing the mail, I felt that I know enough to sort mails onto shelves. But after I finish casing the letters, it's usually 11:30! I should finish casing at around 930! That's 2 hour difference!
And for the last two weeks, my speed was shrank dramatically! I don't know it's due to fatigue, or my sickness. I've been sick for almost a month now. It started at the end of summer. I could feel it. When I was driving around, there's no people around me. That somehow unchecked me inside. I would feel intense emotion, usually sadness, anger, hatred, or jealousy. I kept thinking of her, not being able to be with her made me really sad, it's an gut wrench, everything just smashed into each other. I felt intense sadness. Then I would ask myself questions. My answers trigger rage, then it turned into hatred, and started to count all of my weakness. Then I would think of people that worthy of her. It went into a cycle, jealousy, rage, sadness. I would yell, even cry while driving.
But maybe it's not all bad. I mentioned those because, bad memories burned the biggest hole in our psychic? I like to sing, I like to see the dogs on routes. I just saw an adorable tiny chow chow last week! My gosh, he was adorable. There was another dog at 15 Norma, I really loved that dog. I knew he was independent the first time I saw him. He just followed my every move the first time, extremely alert. The second time I needed to get off the truck to deliver a package, he followed me and barked. He even tried to get behind me. He was a perfect guard dog. But when I talked to Donna, the regular on the route, she first apologized that she should remind me of that dog. She did not realize that I really liked the dog! :)
I am not sure how long I will be able to put up with this though. I do miss working with people. In the beginning, I told myself, if its easy, do it quickly and accurately. Like, "會計當而已矣". But after 3 months, I still could not get it done efficiently, the frustration started to brew.
-------------------------------
榕要回台灣了. 一開始是美芳告訴我的, 繼而胡熒阿姨也和我說了. Tom 的婚禮上, 榕也證實這一點. 之後, 榕的男友也總算來了美國一次. 我鼓起了勇氣跟其他人要照片, 但是, 其他人都沒有回應. 我又想用一本之前買的一本本子做記念冊. 我收集了一些照片, 拖了一段時光. 到最後
才來看怎麼把這本冊子裝訂完成...太晚了! 結果我只好急急的上 shutterfly 做了一本記念冊. 雖說照片收集, 和照片合成之前都做了一點. 但是畢竟太急, 東西來的時候, 差強人意... 大大差強人意. 重複的照片, 照片的大小, 文字的點綴.... 不談了. :p 另外, 現在我才知道榕是十月十四才要離開美國... 實在沒必要那麼趕...
這個星期五要去 Jo 家 party, 算是歡送. 我也被邀請, 每次感覺見到榕都感覺是最後一次. 這次大概是真的最後一次了. 不知道要怎麼謝謝 Jo...
-----------------------------
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
a little desparation brooding
I felt a bit lousy. Just a moment ago, I had an impulse of hitting my head against the wall, almost felt like a blood boiling rage all of a sudden.
But after writing a few, it makes me calm down.
I felt I lost all interests. The only thing I do in my down time was to find work. Work. I hate those works. Mind numbing! I keep telling myself, it's a good training. I lack patience, I lack focus. Those jobs is good training ground for both. Talking about it riled me up.
But I think I need to learn to relax.
Too much learning, too many lessons.
And yet, if I ask myself 3 questions, can I answer them?
1. What's my primary doctor's name?
2. How much money in my VG account?
3. What's more important, cooking or watching movies?
But after writing a few, it makes me calm down.
I felt I lost all interests. The only thing I do in my down time was to find work. Work. I hate those works. Mind numbing! I keep telling myself, it's a good training. I lack patience, I lack focus. Those jobs is good training ground for both. Talking about it riled me up.
But I think I need to learn to relax.
Too much learning, too many lessons.
And yet, if I ask myself 3 questions, can I answer them?
1. What's my primary doctor's name?
2. How much money in my VG account?
3. What's more important, cooking or watching movies?
Self study
It came to my attention. Just how much do I know about myself? I think the way I tramp on myself is only to tell other people when they scold at me, I can tell them, I already know those bad things about myself.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I consider myself weak. To the point that I can hardly be me, except when I was alone, maybe. I am very prone to imitate. There were once, I was alone with my 90+ grandpa. I fixed lunch for both of us. My grandpa sat across me, and I just watched him eat. My grandpa ate his food with a unique manner at this age. He would close his eyes and chew. Something must have happened, because a few moments later, I found myself doing the exactly same facial expression as him! When I realized it, I was in shock. And I painfully hoped my grandpa did not notice!
My reason for this to happen is that I am prone to be affected by my surroundings. This happened when I need to answer questions right away. Usually, my brain is a blank at that moment. But if it's by writing, I might be able to express my thought more freely and readable as well.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I've been wanting to write that paragraph for a long time. The incident was very much true. I felt I was completely following grandpa's facial movement very closely, and maybe in my mind, my face somehow looked just like his face...
How should I looked at this? Is it an excuse for myself to say that I am a failure right now, because I imitate other failures? The whole grandpa face imitation is real though. I think I just need to find out why... I felt very low energy at that moment...
--------------------------------------------------------------
I consider myself weak. To the point that I can hardly be me, except when I was alone, maybe. I am very prone to imitate. There were once, I was alone with my 90+ grandpa. I fixed lunch for both of us. My grandpa sat across me, and I just watched him eat. My grandpa ate his food with a unique manner at this age. He would close his eyes and chew. Something must have happened, because a few moments later, I found myself doing the exactly same facial expression as him! When I realized it, I was in shock. And I painfully hoped my grandpa did not notice!
My reason for this to happen is that I am prone to be affected by my surroundings. This happened when I need to answer questions right away. Usually, my brain is a blank at that moment. But if it's by writing, I might be able to express my thought more freely and readable as well.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I've been wanting to write that paragraph for a long time. The incident was very much true. I felt I was completely following grandpa's facial movement very closely, and maybe in my mind, my face somehow looked just like his face...
How should I looked at this? Is it an excuse for myself to say that I am a failure right now, because I imitate other failures? The whole grandpa face imitation is real though. I think I just need to find out why... I felt very low energy at that moment...
Back from Post Office
This is my first day to work on post office during weekday. I don't like it. They only let me work on sorting. I went home at about 11. The sorting was a mechanical action, with a lot of works. They said today was light. :p I need to find a way to relax. I worked non stop, because I had that feeling of what if they think I suck at it.... Forget about it!?!? I am new at this, and I am sorry, that feeling did not help me at all, made me tired and exhausted for a very simple and repetitive job...
Let me say this, once and for all. If I think this job is easy, let's do it with grace, do it right, do it well, and relax have fun with it. Forget about those stupid worries.
Let me say this, once and for all. If I think this job is easy, let's do it with grace, do it right, do it well, and relax have fun with it. Forget about those stupid worries.
Saturday, July 14, 2018
How to be direct
Frasier Season 8 Episode 9
Frasier's Edge
Conversation between Frasier and William Tewksbury:
Frasier went to see his mentor. Frasier was hung up on Dr. Tewksbury's words of "You must be very proud of yourself."
Dr. Tewksbury: All right!
The caller is...You!
Frasier: Fine!
Dr. Tewksbury: On line one...we have Frasier Crane from Seattle.
Frasier: Hello, Dr. Crane, I love your show, a big fan.
I won't bore you with all the details of my life, because...you know them. Suffice to say... I am a successful psychiatrist. My problem is...in spite of the life I've built...I feel...empty.
Frasier: Ah, emptiness. The eternal void. If I'm not mistaken, it was John Keats who once wrote...
Dr. Tewksbury: Stalling, deal with the feelings.
Frasier: Alright, fair enough.
Frasier: Perhaps, caller, if we reframe the issue, we can...
Dr. Tewksbury: Redefining the problem. Deal with the feelings.
Frasier: Uh... Let's run down the Beck Depression Inventory.
Dr. Tewksbury: Re-diagnosing. You know what the problem is: the caller feels empty. Go on.
Frasier: Last month in the New England Journal...
Dr. Tewksbury: He's already read it.
Frasier: How do you know?!
Dr. Tewksbury: The caller is Frasier Crane, if you did, he did.
Frasier: I can suggest certain visualization techniques that might help...
Dr. Tewksbury: He knows them already.
Frasier: Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling?
Dr. Tewksbury: He told you--because he is empty. Keep going.
Frasier: Well, uh, sometimes it helps to...yourself a letter...
Dr. Tewksbury: He's already got himself on the phone...
Frasier: But I don't know what he wants!
Dr. Tewksbury: Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises?
Frasier: Because that's all I have!
Frasier: I am sorry, caller, I can't help you.
Frasier's Edge
Conversation between Frasier and William Tewksbury:
Frasier went to see his mentor. Frasier was hung up on Dr. Tewksbury's words of "You must be very proud of yourself."
Dr. Tewksbury: All right!
The caller is...You!
Frasier: Fine!
Dr. Tewksbury: On line one...we have Frasier Crane from Seattle.
Frasier: Hello, Dr. Crane, I love your show, a big fan.
I won't bore you with all the details of my life, because...you know them. Suffice to say... I am a successful psychiatrist. My problem is...in spite of the life I've built...I feel...empty.
Frasier: Ah, emptiness. The eternal void. If I'm not mistaken, it was John Keats who once wrote...
Dr. Tewksbury: Stalling, deal with the feelings.
Frasier: Alright, fair enough.
Frasier: Perhaps, caller, if we reframe the issue, we can...
Dr. Tewksbury: Redefining the problem. Deal with the feelings.
Frasier: Uh... Let's run down the Beck Depression Inventory.
Dr. Tewksbury: Re-diagnosing. You know what the problem is: the caller feels empty. Go on.
Frasier: Last month in the New England Journal...
Dr. Tewksbury: He's already read it.
Frasier: How do you know?!
Dr. Tewksbury: The caller is Frasier Crane, if you did, he did.
Frasier: I can suggest certain visualization techniques that might help...
Dr. Tewksbury: He knows them already.
Frasier: Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling?
Dr. Tewksbury: He told you--because he is empty. Keep going.
Frasier: Well, uh, sometimes it helps to...yourself a letter...
Dr. Tewksbury: He's already got himself on the phone...
Frasier: But I don't know what he wants!
Dr. Tewksbury: Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises?
Frasier: Because that's all I have!
Frasier: I am sorry, caller, I can't help you.
Friday, July 13, 2018
Afterthought: Shape of Water
I was excited to watch the film I was kind pushed by George. I am glad I got...encouraged.
I thought it was alright, the movie started out like a standard fairy tale. However, every visual was so grounded, so solid. I watched until about half then went to bed. I finished the next afternoon, which was yesterday. The ending stroke me with big bat like a savage! Truly a great love poem! I can't believe the director really wrote a poem using sound, sight, and dialogues! Every character was well realized and acted! I felt like I was watching into an aquarium! And it was mesmerizing!
I felt the music was french. And it painted a very unique atmosphere. Sort of delicate, but dreamy quality. There were intense moment but never spiraled down to violence. And for such a movie, you need a evil guy. Michael Shannon nailed it! He always nailed bad guy in my memory.
The ending was weird, it really hit hard. I don't know why. I don't want to say, but Sally Hawkins wasn't pretty here or anywhere in my memory. But the expression was deep and beautiful! Sally is awesome!
I love poems from films. And this one has one too:
Unable to perceive the shape of you
I find you all around me
Your presence fills my eyes with your love
It humbles my heart
For you are everywhere
I searched the poem online. The first link I clicked on, a awesome article showed up!
Who wrote the poem at the end of Shape of Water?
(https://blogs.loc.gov/catbird/2018/03/who-wrote-the-poem-at-the-end-of-the-shape-of-water/)
I recommend to take a look at the article. I did not know there is this kind of job, where you search for poems for other people. And it is so interesting to see other people have the same kind of interest as me too. I am quite certain that this poem is from a book called, The Book of Everything: Journey of the Heart's Desire: Hakim Sanai’s Walled Garden of Truth. Thanks to the article!!
I thought it was alright, the movie started out like a standard fairy tale. However, every visual was so grounded, so solid. I watched until about half then went to bed. I finished the next afternoon, which was yesterday. The ending stroke me with big bat like a savage! Truly a great love poem! I can't believe the director really wrote a poem using sound, sight, and dialogues! Every character was well realized and acted! I felt like I was watching into an aquarium! And it was mesmerizing!
I felt the music was french. And it painted a very unique atmosphere. Sort of delicate, but dreamy quality. There were intense moment but never spiraled down to violence. And for such a movie, you need a evil guy. Michael Shannon nailed it! He always nailed bad guy in my memory.
The ending was weird, it really hit hard. I don't know why. I don't want to say, but Sally Hawkins wasn't pretty here or anywhere in my memory. But the expression was deep and beautiful! Sally is awesome!
I love poems from films. And this one has one too:
Unable to perceive the shape of you
I find you all around me
Your presence fills my eyes with your love
It humbles my heart
For you are everywhere
I searched the poem online. The first link I clicked on, a awesome article showed up!
Who wrote the poem at the end of Shape of Water?
(https://blogs.loc.gov/catbird/2018/03/who-wrote-the-poem-at-the-end-of-the-shape-of-water/)
I recommend to take a look at the article. I did not know there is this kind of job, where you search for poems for other people. And it is so interesting to see other people have the same kind of interest as me too. I am quite certain that this poem is from a book called, The Book of Everything: Journey of the Heart's Desire: Hakim Sanai’s Walled Garden of Truth. Thanks to the article!!
My plan from yester day
my plan from yesterday: go to bed at 9, wake up at 5. if by any chance, i go to bed at 8, I will be up at 4. Practice this until Saturday night.
Duration: 3 days,(Thur 7/12, Fri 7/13, Sat 7/14)
Duration: 3 days,(Thur 7/12, Fri 7/13, Sat 7/14)
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
When I got home.
When I got home, I had lunch. Then I went to take a nap. Got up in an hour. No, woke up in an hour. I lied on the floor, can't think of anything to do. That's why I am here writing this blog.
April said that her Mother in law just sat around all day long. If they did not tell her to do anything, she just sat there and did nothing, but daydreaming, or napping. She doesn't use her mind much, not even watching TV. I feel I am the same way when I was back home. I did not have anything in mind to do anything.
I don't like to have a brain like that. But I could not find much to do besides sleeping. Don't know why.
April said that her Mother in law just sat around all day long. If they did not tell her to do anything, she just sat there and did nothing, but daydreaming, or napping. She doesn't use her mind much, not even watching TV. I feel I am the same way when I was back home. I did not have anything in mind to do anything.
I don't like to have a brain like that. But I could not find much to do besides sleeping. Don't know why.
Monday, July 09, 2018
Notes for lynda programming
7/9/2018 12.42pm
Chapt. 1:
Programming languages are categorized into families.
Plain text for programming, not rich text. (Plain text editor)
"Hello, world!"
Programmer's text editors
IDE, Integrated Development Environment
Compiled and Interpreted languages, how a machine run the code
Compiled language: computer1 change the the source code into machine code and gives computer2 the machine code, computer2 never sees the source code, but can execute the machine code no problemo.
Interpreted language: Transfer the source code instead machine code. The receiving computer will then interpreted the source code. There's separated file during the transfer.
IL: Intermediate language, a compromise between Compiled and Integrated
JavaScript: webpage program language, scripting language: embedded in another program(web browsers); C based, interpreted, case sensitive.
html: hyper text mocked up language
Chapt. 1:
Programming languages are categorized into families.
Plain text for programming, not rich text. (Plain text editor)
"Hello, world!"
Programmer's text editors
IDE, Integrated Development Environment
Compiled and Interpreted languages, how a machine run the code
Compiled language: computer1 change the the source code into machine code and gives computer2 the machine code, computer2 never sees the source code, but can execute the machine code no problemo.
Interpreted language: Transfer the source code instead machine code. The receiving computer will then interpreted the source code. There's separated file during the transfer.
IL: Intermediate language, a compromise between Compiled and Integrated
JavaScript: webpage program language, scripting language: embedded in another program(web browsers); C based, interpreted, case sensitive.
html: hyper text mocked up language
I worked 12.5 hours today
I worked 12.5 hours as an Assistant Rural Carrier for postal service today. The hub sent out 2 carriers to helped me out at the end, they took 12 stops from me. I did 95+26 stops in total. I felt it was quite impressive, although I ran into difficulty at the end, due to unfamiliar with the route, scanner GPS routing problem, inaccurate markings on packages, and my stupid insistence on procedures.
I was very concerned at the end. I kept wondering what the hub would think of me. I kept thinking I am sorry. Now I got home, 4 hours later, I am still up. My brain is blank and could not go to bed. I think I overworked. I think. I overworked. I am up writing this, because I feel so weird that all my thoughts were worries. Worries of how the hub people gonna think of me. Worries, how those two female mailmen would looked down upon me. I am very uncomfortable with the thought.
If I wasn't working, and you asked me would I worry about other people's view on me. I would tell you I do not care. But it's not the truth. I must really care a lot about it, to the point of total dependent on it. I always remember my friend in middle school asked, or more of confronting me, why do you always say what they want to hear? I could not really answer it. I did not think I always say things to please, or say what they want to hear. But, I found the reality. It is such, even with my mother. And the funny thing is anyone can see that. But they don't say anything.
If I let myself rate the work today, I think it's alright. I had 95 stops, 18 more than the last Sunday. I finished about 1 hour more than the last Sunday. It's about the same rate. Of course, there's more space for improvement. But my effort is the same. My focus is about the same. I liked that I prioritized certain stops, deviated from the list provided. Because I am getting familiar with the route. Overall, it's a good work today. With the second run, I usually learn things slow, so there's no surprises. But why was I so worried. The result was not perfect, but I tried a new route after a fully loaded one. I just started to do this since June. And I did not do this every day. Yes, Rob can do 177, which is double my speed almost. But why how could I compare myself to him??????? He's CCA.
I felt a bit frustrated, because it's warehouse all over again. When I thought back, warehouse was a joke. All the other guys are doing serious work. They have a lot of stress, talking about money, their meeting really requires knowledge and wisdom. Warehouse was such a place where a high school kid can do it, as long as he's focused, can carry some loads, and has a good ethics. Oh, Vic and Anne made things easy too. With those quality, you don't even need to go to school for it. And yet, I treated it like a big deal.
Was I describing a fact, or was I undermining myself again? Did I do my best today? I want to say yes. But the result was bad. Oh, and my knee is acting up from the last mountain climb.
I want to find a way to improve. Improve the way I load my truck, improve the way I mark the boxes. But there is another voice in my mind asking why? It's just a job. Remember the last one? I did so much extra, and yet, I got booted. The extra didn't keep me there. No one mentioned it now, except CJ and my Mother. Why not improving, am I so busy that I have something better to do? And doesn't better man learn more in the same time compare to the average? The time I am gonna spent on improving, will not occupy too much of my time. I will learn new way to organize and prioritize. Did not I learn a little bit of excel from warehouse job? I wasted enough time on many things more useless even harmful.
Worried about what superior would think of you is normal. But when the things pass, I also know what I did, how I did. I am certain of my effort. This is just a job. I should be more concerned with my own affair and my mom's, and my sister's. The worry in the past, let it go. Don't worry the worry... No need to feel shame about it.
I worked 12.5 hours today. I felt empty after that. I must be tired. Let me go to sleep. I know I did my best. Thanks to Crystal and Caroline and Julie. My mother worried so much she did not went for walk. Hope she find rest tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day, I need to get up early, hoping to catch mike before he started on other cars. :p Turning in now.
I was very concerned at the end. I kept wondering what the hub would think of me. I kept thinking I am sorry. Now I got home, 4 hours later, I am still up. My brain is blank and could not go to bed. I think I overworked. I think. I overworked. I am up writing this, because I feel so weird that all my thoughts were worries. Worries of how the hub people gonna think of me. Worries, how those two female mailmen would looked down upon me. I am very uncomfortable with the thought.
If I wasn't working, and you asked me would I worry about other people's view on me. I would tell you I do not care. But it's not the truth. I must really care a lot about it, to the point of total dependent on it. I always remember my friend in middle school asked, or more of confronting me, why do you always say what they want to hear? I could not really answer it. I did not think I always say things to please, or say what they want to hear. But, I found the reality. It is such, even with my mother. And the funny thing is anyone can see that. But they don't say anything.
If I let myself rate the work today, I think it's alright. I had 95 stops, 18 more than the last Sunday. I finished about 1 hour more than the last Sunday. It's about the same rate. Of course, there's more space for improvement. But my effort is the same. My focus is about the same. I liked that I prioritized certain stops, deviated from the list provided. Because I am getting familiar with the route. Overall, it's a good work today. With the second run, I usually learn things slow, so there's no surprises. But why was I so worried. The result was not perfect, but I tried a new route after a fully loaded one. I just started to do this since June. And I did not do this every day. Yes, Rob can do 177, which is double my speed almost. But why how could I compare myself to him??????? He's CCA.
I felt a bit frustrated, because it's warehouse all over again. When I thought back, warehouse was a joke. All the other guys are doing serious work. They have a lot of stress, talking about money, their meeting really requires knowledge and wisdom. Warehouse was such a place where a high school kid can do it, as long as he's focused, can carry some loads, and has a good ethics. Oh, Vic and Anne made things easy too. With those quality, you don't even need to go to school for it. And yet, I treated it like a big deal.
Was I describing a fact, or was I undermining myself again? Did I do my best today? I want to say yes. But the result was bad. Oh, and my knee is acting up from the last mountain climb.
I want to find a way to improve. Improve the way I load my truck, improve the way I mark the boxes. But there is another voice in my mind asking why? It's just a job. Remember the last one? I did so much extra, and yet, I got booted. The extra didn't keep me there. No one mentioned it now, except CJ and my Mother. Why not improving, am I so busy that I have something better to do? And doesn't better man learn more in the same time compare to the average? The time I am gonna spent on improving, will not occupy too much of my time. I will learn new way to organize and prioritize. Did not I learn a little bit of excel from warehouse job? I wasted enough time on many things more useless even harmful.
Worried about what superior would think of you is normal. But when the things pass, I also know what I did, how I did. I am certain of my effort. This is just a job. I should be more concerned with my own affair and my mom's, and my sister's. The worry in the past, let it go. Don't worry the worry... No need to feel shame about it.
I worked 12.5 hours today. I felt empty after that. I must be tired. Let me go to sleep. I know I did my best. Thanks to Crystal and Caroline and Julie. My mother worried so much she did not went for walk. Hope she find rest tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day, I need to get up early, hoping to catch mike before he started on other cars. :p Turning in now.
Friday, July 06, 2018
Jurassic world fallen afterthought
I spent the only summer dollar on this movie. I passed black P, Avenger IW, even incredibles 2. I really don't know why. I read and watched reviews, but it did not stop me. Something here was really intriguing.
I think it's an okay movie. I really liked Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard. But they did not showed up too much. Most of the stuff I remembered from the movie were evil corporations, betrayal, clone girl, and dinosaur. At the end, I agree with some critiques, that this movie was served as a intermediate piece, for the dinosaurs to get on American soil.
I think clone girl is rational sequence for the Jurassic movie. But it also pushed the whole series into a direction, which I don't like. Because think about it, the core theme for Jurassic series is not about dinosaurs. It's about gene technology we, human, attempted, trying, and eventually might really master it. What makes Jurassic park so intriguing though is not the technology itself though. I think it's the fear for the uncontrollable nature. This nature, has no thoughts, there's no justice, it is sort of chaos. Although Fallen Kingdom still has dinosaurs, but they became manageable. They are not the center of the movie, humans are! And while the nature has no thoughts, no intentions, no justice, humans have them. This has happened with Alien series and Jaw series as well.
Many of the great movies should not be a series. Because, they become predicable, and when they become rational, that we, human can truly understand, then, the whole intrigue is brought down from the sky and unto the earth. I call marvel's movies as soap opera, because, they are littered with human intentions.
My prediction, is that US government, and other human government will now have to deal with the problem. This can go either way, one is planet of Dinosaurs, or instead of evil corporations, governments will be the ones to weaponize the dinosaurs. Either way, the clone girl will probably like the girl in Godzilla... She is connected to them in some way...
I think it's an okay movie. I really liked Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard. But they did not showed up too much. Most of the stuff I remembered from the movie were evil corporations, betrayal, clone girl, and dinosaur. At the end, I agree with some critiques, that this movie was served as a intermediate piece, for the dinosaurs to get on American soil.
I think clone girl is rational sequence for the Jurassic movie. But it also pushed the whole series into a direction, which I don't like. Because think about it, the core theme for Jurassic series is not about dinosaurs. It's about gene technology we, human, attempted, trying, and eventually might really master it. What makes Jurassic park so intriguing though is not the technology itself though. I think it's the fear for the uncontrollable nature. This nature, has no thoughts, there's no justice, it is sort of chaos. Although Fallen Kingdom still has dinosaurs, but they became manageable. They are not the center of the movie, humans are! And while the nature has no thoughts, no intentions, no justice, humans have them. This has happened with Alien series and Jaw series as well.
Many of the great movies should not be a series. Because, they become predicable, and when they become rational, that we, human can truly understand, then, the whole intrigue is brought down from the sky and unto the earth. I call marvel's movies as soap opera, because, they are littered with human intentions.
My prediction, is that US government, and other human government will now have to deal with the problem. This can go either way, one is planet of Dinosaurs, or instead of evil corporations, governments will be the ones to weaponize the dinosaurs. Either way, the clone girl will probably like the girl in Godzilla... She is connected to them in some way...
Tuesday, July 03, 2018
Perseverance, Insistence, Consistence
My Father works to this day, and I am working too (Approximate, John 5:17)
I have so many things on my desk and around, remnants of things I wanted to do. Japanese words scraps, Note book titled: my song book, Medical terms vocabulary cards, Card materials, Books I wanted to read, Things I wanted to sell... Things I thought I might have use one day.
None of them came true.
My alone time, was spend on youtube, various online articles, including news and other unrelated things, surfing things I wanted to buy for vanity reason, and porns.
I remember 4, 5 years ago, when I first met Jessica's sister. My mom likes her, and we talked excitedly about growing plants. I would get up early and water the plants. But after a certain period, my guess it can't be over 2 months, my enthusiasm died down.
I remember I would bring Japanese to warehouse and studied there. I would practice writing, and phrases. I would download apps to try. I would read manga and mimic each sound by the Japanese character on it. I would listen to youtube video and repeat afterwards. I tried that for 2 months, or even less.
I am so interested in cars, I watched so many videos, on cleaning, detailing, on mechanical issues. I would go and search any weird issues on my car. I would ask Vic about it. I talked about it passionately with my mom and pointed out every car I know on the street. I would still point out cars a the street, but besides occasional consumer report, I stopped it.
I would sometimes jumps on a cleaning spree for a few days in the kitchen, or my house. But it is always short lived. Although it was all scheduled, basement every Saturday, kitchen cabinet doors everything Friday night...etc.
I had many projects around the house, I would buy the material and forget about them. Those material won't rot, but my spirit would slowly wither.
I would buy condiments and ingredients that I want to cook. I would only use them again with my Mother's complaints.
I saved some weights, I put them in my room, I never used them. I have this whole scheme of yoga practice, in the wish to bring my mom into it. I would hopping on the stationary bike and imagined I would do it persistently from now on. Imagination is imagination.
I copied some text from ancient text book, I traced a few ancient Chinese medical drawing. I want to study Chinese medicines. Never happened.
I bought many sketch books. I bought many pencils, color pencils... Could not keep up.
I practiced martial arts, long fist, tai chi, I stopped now.
.
.
.
.
I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured, I am quite prolific with excuses. If anything, it's not the lack of imagination.
I felt short and uncomfortable when other people are around. I keep thinking I am not good enough. It's not the talent or smart. Yes, I am weird, but it's not the reason for not feeling good enough. I want to do so many things, but none was getting done. Are those two, "want to do a lot, but none getting done" and "feeling short around other people", related to each other? I know I am capable of working. I am looking for jobs. But the jobs I looked for, I looked down upon them. I did the same with myself. But it's has nothing to do with the job. It must be me, who without perseverance, which is defined as doing things despite "I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured". When I got a job, I felt I splashed myself onto it. But my job doesn't last 24 hours. What do I do with the rest of my life?
Don't stop writing, don't stop thinking, don't stop talking, don't stop doing. There's a reason I am alone. This is an opportunity, not a misfortune. Plus, I am not really alone. Don't forget.
I have so many things on my desk and around, remnants of things I wanted to do. Japanese words scraps, Note book titled: my song book, Medical terms vocabulary cards, Card materials, Books I wanted to read, Things I wanted to sell... Things I thought I might have use one day.
None of them came true.
My alone time, was spend on youtube, various online articles, including news and other unrelated things, surfing things I wanted to buy for vanity reason, and porns.
I remember 4, 5 years ago, when I first met Jessica's sister. My mom likes her, and we talked excitedly about growing plants. I would get up early and water the plants. But after a certain period, my guess it can't be over 2 months, my enthusiasm died down.
I remember I would bring Japanese to warehouse and studied there. I would practice writing, and phrases. I would download apps to try. I would read manga and mimic each sound by the Japanese character on it. I would listen to youtube video and repeat afterwards. I tried that for 2 months, or even less.
I am so interested in cars, I watched so many videos, on cleaning, detailing, on mechanical issues. I would go and search any weird issues on my car. I would ask Vic about it. I talked about it passionately with my mom and pointed out every car I know on the street. I would still point out cars a the street, but besides occasional consumer report, I stopped it.
I would sometimes jumps on a cleaning spree for a few days in the kitchen, or my house. But it is always short lived. Although it was all scheduled, basement every Saturday, kitchen cabinet doors everything Friday night...etc.
I had many projects around the house, I would buy the material and forget about them. Those material won't rot, but my spirit would slowly wither.
I would buy condiments and ingredients that I want to cook. I would only use them again with my Mother's complaints.
I saved some weights, I put them in my room, I never used them. I have this whole scheme of yoga practice, in the wish to bring my mom into it. I would hopping on the stationary bike and imagined I would do it persistently from now on. Imagination is imagination.
I copied some text from ancient text book, I traced a few ancient Chinese medical drawing. I want to study Chinese medicines. Never happened.
I bought many sketch books. I bought many pencils, color pencils... Could not keep up.
I practiced martial arts, long fist, tai chi, I stopped now.
.
.
.
.
I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured, I am quite prolific with excuses. If anything, it's not the lack of imagination.
I felt short and uncomfortable when other people are around. I keep thinking I am not good enough. It's not the talent or smart. Yes, I am weird, but it's not the reason for not feeling good enough. I want to do so many things, but none was getting done. Are those two, "want to do a lot, but none getting done" and "feeling short around other people", related to each other? I know I am capable of working. I am looking for jobs. But the jobs I looked for, I looked down upon them. I did the same with myself. But it's has nothing to do with the job. It must be me, who without perseverance, which is defined as doing things despite "I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured". When I got a job, I felt I splashed myself onto it. But my job doesn't last 24 hours. What do I do with the rest of my life?
Don't stop writing, don't stop thinking, don't stop talking, don't stop doing. There's a reason I am alone. This is an opportunity, not a misfortune. Plus, I am not really alone. Don't forget.
Friday, June 29, 2018
How to improve my interview
I just had two interviews in a week. But the results were unsatisfactory. I didn't show too much enthusiastic in the first one, I was spooked by the second one. I did not approach the interviews thoroughly with role play, or searching questions and preparing answers. The only thing I did was searching through their web sites. This helped me a bit on understanding the company. But it did not help me on answering questions and change my attitude.
My attitude for going into these interviews was that I know how a warehouse operated, from order picking to preparing pallets; from receiving and notifying the receiver to inventory counting. Mascon is not big, so I learned a lot from it. I learned what is a lot number, PO, Bar code, and other things. But if knowing these made my attitude lethargic or pensive, then it's all for nothing. Uncle and Aunt came by today and said that even if you are not interested in, you need to pretend the opposite. My mom also commented after I came from these interviews, I looked distant and quiet. She also guessed that I was probably not as engaged as I should be. I was fully aware the situation at the end of the interview on Monday, the Ocular one. Although I felt I said what I want to, but a lack of enthusiasm was visible.
I was really surprised by my second interview although my spirit was better. I got up early and looked through the job description again, and googled again for those cGMT, 5S, ISO terms. I also put the interviewers name and company address on my cell the night before. And this time I brought my resume with me. But the job was for hazard material. I did not expect the scales. The team lead met me first. He immediately pointed out how dangerous the job was. I felt that I still remain nonchalant. But apparently, my perceived self was not accurate. Because he must sensed I was agitated and said, there were people who were able to do the job, but decided not to, after seeing the danger. The second interviewer was the manager, who showed me around the warehouse. It was quite magnificent. White floor, white wall, sparkling shining. There's even a room filled with just oxidation agent. The room was designed specially for the purpose. It has a gate and a malt, so it will contain the liquid and shut everything in in the event of spillage! I think the manager was waiting for me to say that's it for me. But I did not say it. So he asked if I had any questions. I asked about the vocation, if I need to work the weekend. Then I was out of there.
Now the first question I wan to ask myself is that should I keep looking for warehouse job. When one of the first interviewer asked me what do I see myself in five years. I don't remember what I answered. But I knew the only thing I wanted to say was that I am capable of doing the job, stop asking those irrelevant questions, I am just looking for a pay check. That's very sad. Uncle said it sounded like I felt I am stuck in this line of work. So do I still want to do warehouse? If I did not do warehouse, and I kept apply for other kinds of job, but received no replies. What should I do?
There's one question my mother keeps bothering me about. It asks me about why do I leave my last post. I usually tell them, because I needed a month off for the next 2 years for personal reason, but my last company did not want to give to me. So I quit. But my mom thinks it's a ridiculous reason. So my sister came up with another reason. Saying that I am a hard worker. But I focused on getting job done. But I kind have a communication issues. So when my co-workers' constant absence from work, and left me with 3 people job. I talked to the management with no result. For my own mental and physical health, I quit my job. Aunt said it's not a good answer either, if it's not worse. Because you basically blamed your co-workers. She said the best way to say is that you leave for growth. I am not sure I said what my sister meant it. I felt it sounded better from her mouth. I am not sure Aunt's words would sound the same from me.
That one question still remains though. I want a job. It's that simple. Any job would do? I am not sure. What is the goal for the job? Money, of course. Then does it matter which job? A yes seemed to be a natural answer here. But it's not. So do I still want warehouse?
My attitude for going into these interviews was that I know how a warehouse operated, from order picking to preparing pallets; from receiving and notifying the receiver to inventory counting. Mascon is not big, so I learned a lot from it. I learned what is a lot number, PO, Bar code, and other things. But if knowing these made my attitude lethargic or pensive, then it's all for nothing. Uncle and Aunt came by today and said that even if you are not interested in, you need to pretend the opposite. My mom also commented after I came from these interviews, I looked distant and quiet. She also guessed that I was probably not as engaged as I should be. I was fully aware the situation at the end of the interview on Monday, the Ocular one. Although I felt I said what I want to, but a lack of enthusiasm was visible.
I was really surprised by my second interview although my spirit was better. I got up early and looked through the job description again, and googled again for those cGMT, 5S, ISO terms. I also put the interviewers name and company address on my cell the night before. And this time I brought my resume with me. But the job was for hazard material. I did not expect the scales. The team lead met me first. He immediately pointed out how dangerous the job was. I felt that I still remain nonchalant. But apparently, my perceived self was not accurate. Because he must sensed I was agitated and said, there were people who were able to do the job, but decided not to, after seeing the danger. The second interviewer was the manager, who showed me around the warehouse. It was quite magnificent. White floor, white wall, sparkling shining. There's even a room filled with just oxidation agent. The room was designed specially for the purpose. It has a gate and a malt, so it will contain the liquid and shut everything in in the event of spillage! I think the manager was waiting for me to say that's it for me. But I did not say it. So he asked if I had any questions. I asked about the vocation, if I need to work the weekend. Then I was out of there.
Now the first question I wan to ask myself is that should I keep looking for warehouse job. When one of the first interviewer asked me what do I see myself in five years. I don't remember what I answered. But I knew the only thing I wanted to say was that I am capable of doing the job, stop asking those irrelevant questions, I am just looking for a pay check. That's very sad. Uncle said it sounded like I felt I am stuck in this line of work. So do I still want to do warehouse? If I did not do warehouse, and I kept apply for other kinds of job, but received no replies. What should I do?
There's one question my mother keeps bothering me about. It asks me about why do I leave my last post. I usually tell them, because I needed a month off for the next 2 years for personal reason, but my last company did not want to give to me. So I quit. But my mom thinks it's a ridiculous reason. So my sister came up with another reason. Saying that I am a hard worker. But I focused on getting job done. But I kind have a communication issues. So when my co-workers' constant absence from work, and left me with 3 people job. I talked to the management with no result. For my own mental and physical health, I quit my job. Aunt said it's not a good answer either, if it's not worse. Because you basically blamed your co-workers. She said the best way to say is that you leave for growth. I am not sure I said what my sister meant it. I felt it sounded better from her mouth. I am not sure Aunt's words would sound the same from me.
That one question still remains though. I want a job. It's that simple. Any job would do? I am not sure. What is the goal for the job? Money, of course. Then does it matter which job? A yes seemed to be a natural answer here. But it's not. So do I still want warehouse?
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Old stuff
牧望
我的心像翅膀.
看著她, 我的心飛了
從此不在身上了
要再生出一個心來, 害怕
怕又要長翅膀
不在屬於自己
又是他人的
======================================
一大早起來, 又看到母親在做麵糰. 我馬上感覺不痛快. 昨天早上也做, 今天早上又做! 我馬上感到他是壓力越來越大. 做麵包不過是現象. 可是他是不會承認的.
會有如此想法和感受也是因為自己給自己壓力. 從另一角度來說, 母親現在還能藉此抒發壓力, 仍是比我的狀況好.
我跟母親在某一點上是真的很像. 我總是很容易跟自己說, 我沒有在想甚麼. 其實,我的感受卻是隱藏不了的. 即使自己在壓力,煩惱,憂思下仍無法在腦子裡形成語言,那感受卻是無法騙人的.我現在遇到這些是就放逐我自己. 母親呢? 似乎不停的做事. 雖然他做的事並不一定和壓力來源有關係.
母親的壓力來源, 我佔一大半. 如果我找不到出口, 壓力內爆是極可能的. 找不到一個出口不是一個選項! 即使是一個涓涓細流的出口, 也比現在好!!
=======================================
前些時, 在想個問題. 人的精神世界如果被層層分析, 到底最後剩下啥?
之前想到的是剩下情緒和理智. 但我仍感覺少了什麼. 我後來加上了信仰. 今天又想到另一個物, 那就是態度.
不斷想到這問題實在是因為母親和妹妹的關係. 母親不斷抱怨妹妹, 可只要是做事時, 所有抱怨似乎沒有在母親的行動上顯出結果. 反而是我這個常常聽抱怨的人, 在行動上受到情緒干擾.
為此, 我甚為疑惑. 情緒好像風雲, 那有定的時刻. 理智卻也只是冷油, 沒有熱源, 他只有定的時候. 歐周哲學認為人的精神世界, 最基本的物叫 "id". 自宋以後, 到王陽明, 他們用某些名詞來描述人最基本的面貌, 那就是 "心體", "本體", "性". 這裏都無人提到情緒, 理智, 信仰, 或態度.
如果一個人只跟著情緒走, 我想這就是孔子說的: "愛之欲其生, 恨之欲其死, 惑也." 可是, 理智, 似乎也沒啥大用. 拿我做例子, 我感到害怕, 我可以有很多理智的想法, 可是我多半還是隨著害怕走. 要跟著理智走, 需要另外的條件. 條件是啥呢? 信仰? 態度? 還是外界的鞭策?
======================================
我的心像翅膀.
看著她, 我的心飛了
從此不在身上了
要再生出一個心來, 害怕
怕又要長翅膀
不在屬於自己
又是他人的
======================================
一大早起來, 又看到母親在做麵糰. 我馬上感覺不痛快. 昨天早上也做, 今天早上又做! 我馬上感到他是壓力越來越大. 做麵包不過是現象. 可是他是不會承認的.
會有如此想法和感受也是因為自己給自己壓力. 從另一角度來說, 母親現在還能藉此抒發壓力, 仍是比我的狀況好.
我跟母親在某一點上是真的很像. 我總是很容易跟自己說, 我沒有在想甚麼. 其實,我的感受卻是隱藏不了的. 即使自己在壓力,煩惱,憂思下仍無法在腦子裡形成語言,那感受卻是無法騙人的.我現在遇到這些是就放逐我自己. 母親呢? 似乎不停的做事. 雖然他做的事並不一定和壓力來源有關係.
母親的壓力來源, 我佔一大半. 如果我找不到出口, 壓力內爆是極可能的. 找不到一個出口不是一個選項! 即使是一個涓涓細流的出口, 也比現在好!!
=======================================
前些時, 在想個問題. 人的精神世界如果被層層分析, 到底最後剩下啥?
之前想到的是剩下情緒和理智. 但我仍感覺少了什麼. 我後來加上了信仰. 今天又想到另一個物, 那就是態度.
不斷想到這問題實在是因為母親和妹妹的關係. 母親不斷抱怨妹妹, 可只要是做事時, 所有抱怨似乎沒有在母親的行動上顯出結果. 反而是我這個常常聽抱怨的人, 在行動上受到情緒干擾.
為此, 我甚為疑惑. 情緒好像風雲, 那有定的時刻. 理智卻也只是冷油, 沒有熱源, 他只有定的時候. 歐周哲學認為人的精神世界, 最基本的物叫 "id". 自宋以後, 到王陽明, 他們用某些名詞來描述人最基本的面貌, 那就是 "心體", "本體", "性". 這裏都無人提到情緒, 理智, 信仰, 或態度.
如果一個人只跟著情緒走, 我想這就是孔子說的: "愛之欲其生, 恨之欲其死, 惑也." 可是, 理智, 似乎也沒啥大用. 拿我做例子, 我感到害怕, 我可以有很多理智的想法, 可是我多半還是隨著害怕走. 要跟著理智走, 需要另外的條件. 條件是啥呢? 信仰? 態度? 還是外界的鞭策?
======================================
蘇州遊筆記
2013 五月去蘇州. 全程由大姨和姨丈招待. 和大姨聊了不少.
我們游走在蘇州園林裏, 大姨清脆, 爽快的聲音帶領我穿牆出戶, 不僅僅是豐富整個過程.
更是讓我坐在第一排聽了一場大戲! 他們家四個姐弟,
沒有一個如大姨能夠栩栩如生的呈現他們的人生. 耳朵幾乎
"出油"!
我們那時住在外公的公寓裏. 晚上我就把所聽到的稍稍記下. 可惜, 所記不能有十之一二.
==================================
大姨是早產兒, 外婆六個月十搬家, 動了胎氣(好像有血?) 服了安胎劑, 七個月時還是出世了. 據說, 全身都是毛! 外婆看著, 說不要了吧... 她婆婆說, 生都生了, 還試試... 醫生說沒啥希望了... 兩三個月後, 居然活下來了.
大姨小時候,洋娃娃的頭摔破了. 她吵著要去醫院. 外婆說不行, 叔叔這時剛好回來, 就帶著大姨坐黃包車兜風, 回到家門口說, 好啦, 我們從醫院回來啦, 大姨卻不聽, 一進門又吵. 外婆那時正在納鞋底, 一聽吵, 拿起鞋底就給大姨一頓屁股, 叔叔還在旁勸....
小學時, 打肺綜合顯示針, 大姨被分錯了, 陽極的結果到陰極. 這下可好, 她生病在家好幾個月. 到了出來郊遊日, 她吵著要去玩. 不准! 叔叔在旁看了心疼, 他自己小時候多病, 也常待在家裏. 他花了力氣勸服外婆放行. 大姨高興的回來後想, 這樣出來玩真好. 於是捏造了一段. 山上好不好玩? 好玩! 山上吃好多肉, 和尚也吃好多肉. 外婆說, 很好很好. 奶奶說, 哎呦, 罪過, 罪過! 爺爺正看報, 放了下來, 說, 和尚哪有吃葷的...
另有一次, 學校要化妝. 她(大姨)知道外婆喜愛蜜斯佛陀. 大姨為了要讓同學稱讚. 她偷了化妝品. 才剛走到門外, 外婆追出來, 拿著棒子問她, 你剛拿了啥? 大姨要是說謊, 馬上一頓棒子. 她承認拿了蜜斯佛陀. (好像就沒有被打)
=====================================
大姨說:
媽媽(我媽媽)小時候身體不大好, 生過甲肝. 還有一次嚴重的食物中毒. 當時是吃啥我不大確定. 媽媽好像昏迷不醒. 大家叫了最好的大夫, 那醫生一看說, 情況不好, 但是如果她可以撐過今天晚上, 我還是有把握治好她的. 外婆和婆婆用力看護了一個晚上, 媽媽居然沒有死! 大夫也如她自己保證的, 把媽媽治好. 不過 媽媽的生體終究弱了. (#外公有兄弟一人, 但是, 還有其他兩個兄弟, 但是, 他們好像也是在抗戰初期, 食物中毒過世#)
那時在大陸上, 外婆最喜歡大姨和舅舅. 公公當然最喜歡舅舅, 外婆的婆婆一看這情況, 就把那一對雙胞胎(我媽媽和小阿姨)一手一個抱住說, 我最喜歡這兩個! (根據媽媽自己的印象, 媽媽始終都記得奶奶在她小的時候, 總是跟在她後面, 拿著一個凳子. 當媽媽累了, 就趕快讓媽媽坐在凳子上)
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外婆會用大括弧, 中刮鬍, 小括弧來做數學,而不是用代數.(我也不確定我在寫啥)
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大姨如何進蘇州博物館?
大姨從崑劇團下來後去農村. 農事後, 她在農村組織宣傳隊, 都是八九歲以上的孩子. 她常常帶著宣傳隊到處宣傳. 她也負責一些農村文化事宜.
一九六七, 工宣隊進駐各級單位, 也包括文化部. 一點名, 大姨不在, 下鄉了. 工頭打電話去農村要人. 農村不放. 結果大姨一個月領不到薪水. 她連舖蓋都留在村裏就進城了. 一進城, 工宣部又不放了. 於是她在忠王府接受再教育. 一九六八年, 靈巖山展出四川劉軍閥親戚們的收租院和其他東西. 她去做講解員. 姨丈一根扁擔, 前舖蓋, 後文莉的小車, 八個月的咪咪也去了, 一去六個月. 後來她再到蘇州館一號室的講解員. 因為一堆文化部的人支援蘇北, 博物館需要人手. 有一次, 一個高幹聽到大姨的解說, 大力讚賞. 從此大姨成為正式管員. 一做卅年!
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外公在量血壓, 他把帶子裝在腕上, 這樣有用嗎?!
五月九日 21:20
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章家廿六舉家遷上海. 日本人來了, 搶燒了一大半後, 又決定回蘇州. 回老家的船上, 外公叔叔睡死了,他們的媽媽和另一位也沒及時醒, 全船的人跑光了, 因為強賊來了, 劫掠一陣後, 他們回去後, 只剩一幢老宅. 那年外公十五歲.
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大姨留在大陸不僅是外婆的決定, 大姨說, 其實是他自願的. 因為他那時認為他才從國民黨的控制下逃脫, 怎麼又要進入他們的管理之下. 另一點是他看到他母親為難的選擇. 外婆最疼大姨和老舅, 可是他又不願意拆散這對雙胞胎, 沙皮巷的街坊鄰居也七嘴八舌的談啥雙胞胎有很強的心電感應. 他也不能留下一對雙胞胎給公婆, 負擔太重. 看到這情況, 他自告奮勇了. 媽媽說, 還有一個理由, 就是大姨聽說他一個同學去香港留級一年. 所以大姨也不想那樣. 大姨聽了就笑, 那哪能構成理由.
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大姨第一次到日本, 外公帶她到百貨公司(或商場)喝咖啡. 大姨一看, 簡直富麗堂皇, 有點害怕了. 外公說他每個週末都和外婆來. 因為外婆說, 週中在家裏都忙的連坐下的時間都沒有. 只有週末這兩天各半小時的時間休息.
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中國北方人和南方人的不同(不知道是為什麼?)
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懲越戰爭: (我記得是從燕子阿姨的先生和姨丈那邊聽到的, 但不是很確定了)
懲越戰爭一開始的時候, 不知道是由華南軍區還是華東負責. 打不好. 後來, 北方軍區上來, 才成功.
戰爭一開始, 軍隊裏沒有官階級別. 開戰後, 軍隊做出改變, 有了級別. 我很驚訝. (不知道他們的消息有多正確)
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大陸學校的贊助費
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我晚上去大姨家沖澡, 順便上網. 我的電腦才一打開, 就看到文莉和佩蘭阿姨的來信.
於是我知道大姨行動的目的, 他早年並不喜歡嬸婆, 又怕我們整天在外公處. 明天他要帶我和媽媽去虎丘和留園也是同樣的用意.
現在是有點窩囊感, 來幫了倒忙...
( 讓大姨和姨丈花了更大的力氣, 又要照顧外公, 還加上我們.)
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今天去虎丘和留園, 有大姨和姨丈領著媽媽和我.
媽媽常向大姨和姨丈提出她對他們的擔心. 姨丈說擔心有啥用. 剛進虎丘入口之前, 我想要買回族人的餅. 大姨一把把我拉回來. "你不怕愛滋啊!" 下山時, 我和大姨討論這問題. 最後導出現在大陸的共產主義被嗤笑, 又提不出啥主義使中國人民統合.
一路上也提到外公以前的陳阿姨可以做這麼久, 原來陳阿姨的環境非常不好. 老公的退休年金很少, 又有個兒子在上大學. 她得要這份工作. 及便有一次, 大姨看到的, 陳阿姨買了一塊蛋糕回來不是外公要的. 外公竟然把蛋糕丟在陳阿姨身上. 大姨看到了, 很替陳阿姨抱不平. 陳阿姨說: "老先生身體不舒服." 她之前是一週七天, 連大年初一都要做半天. 直到陳阿姨的兒子, 年心幾十萬, 她就溜了. 忍了這麼久, 真恐怖.
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在逛留園時, 大姨就提到文莉的作文一直不錯. 她有一次就留園的桂花作文拿獎. 第一次拿獎, 是大姨幫她挑材料. 好像 "中國好" 之類的題材, 她也拿獎. 咪咪看了, 也想作文. 但, 老是不能拿到, 直到高中給一位老師指導才拿到獎. 本來咪咪可以選文組的, 但因老師說她數學好, 他進了理組. 實在不知道文科出來做啥.
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坐在公車回家的路上. 媽媽說和外公提回美國的事, 外公都不要聽, 我在一旁說, 我們只是打頭陣, 還又一波一波的說客要來呢. 不知怎麼提到舅舅和媽媽都是外公教出來的 "好兒女". 我說這恐怕個性大於教育, 要是大姨的話, 外公鐵定教不出來. 大姨說, 大概是喔. 她在高一時, 為了響應煉鋼, 據說香菸屁可以煉鋼, 大姨看幾個同學在觀前街撿了一天菸屁. 她拿回家準備一早帶到學校裏. 隔天一早起來一瞧, 嚇, 他和他同學的戰果不見了, 被她的祖父丟掉了! 大姨大發脾氣, 祖父一看也大罵, 還拉了祖母. 大姨一氣, 就去問老師可否搬到學校. 他約了三兩好友就搬進宿舍. 每天早上五點半起來, 跑步! 學校要求四百尺, 他練了一陣子. 還是不行. 後來他的班長說, 來, 我們半夜起來跑. 一個橢圓形的跑道, 大姨跟著班長跑. 跑到一半, 穿過中間的操場, 那兒有一沙道. 大姨, 噗的摔了一跤! 班長以手支頭, 哎呦, 樹萱啊, 你怎麼這樣子!? 後來, 大姨還是在半夜裏過關了. 之後, 八百尺, 大姨排前三名!
大姨得意的跟我們說, 你看, 訓練有用吧! 我後來也提了媽媽住校的經驗, 媽媽也很喜歡. 而且也常運動的. <我去大姨家沖澡時就提到一張媽媽, 佩蘭阿姨, 和舅舅在海灘上的照片, 大姨說他看過的!>
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大姨吃柿子給小X 看...(I Don't know What I wrote...)
大姨在潘宅的鄰居打牌, 查籍員來, 大姨去警告鄰居(朱老太, 沈, 潘), 可是表現得太慌張, 被盯住了, 牌被沒收了.
燕子阿姨用 QQ, 無電郵!
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嬸婆為了離開蘇州, 遷籍到上海, 叔公到上海電信局(或郵局), 可是突然發起支援皖蘇的運動, 結果叔公全家搬到皖. 外曾祖父應此怪罪嬸婆, 嬸婆當時怪外公, 結果兩人罵上了. 這段是因為提到外叔工也推過手推車. 他那時到皖, 一開始只是站櫃檯, 但, 後來有推車的事就找他. 他有哮喘,對此事始終耿耿<我想事對遷皖的事>
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外公的祖母叫好親婆. 外公家在祖父輩之前經營藥店生意. 外公的祖父好像有書生氣, 臉皮薄, 不會討債. 從此家道中落, 外公的祖父早死, 留下的家也卻還夠. 好親婆撐持門面. 好親婆生過九次, 五個夭折, 三女一子留下. 據大姨說, 她的大姑婆嫁了一個很有錢的人, 為此, 好親婆籌備巨大嫁妝! 當時載嫁的船隊沿河塞了好大的一段水路? 外公的祖父是獨子, 曾在江蘇省體育會上拿過田徑某一項的第三名. 好親婆很寵外婆的爸爸. 外公的爸爸曾在天津某個銀行(好像和東山席家有關)做學徒. 但後來回來結婚後在大姊的三姑婆(錢家)做.
好親婆也很寵外公這個長孫. 據大姨說, 好親婆比外公現在更兇. 嘴巴更厲害. 不過大姨沒見過好親婆.
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據外公的回憶, 他二歲時, 他弟弟出生, 當大家都在忙的時候, 無人理它, 他就獨自穿堂入室進入大家屋裏偷了一大油蹄子! 大人發現時, 還大大稱讚他.
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咪咪到高中時, 差了兩分沒上最好的學校. 據大姨的講法, 有一世足賽, 二大姨發現有小條(有男孩子追)
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媽媽的祖母生了四個兒子. 兩個(老三老四)在抗戰時吃發霉的米夭折. 好親婆生了九個孩子, 五個夭折. 那時的孩子折損率竟超過 50%!
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其時外公和大姨是真像. 兩件事情:
1. 大姨覺得沈阿姨都無做好菜出來. 外公也是這樣說. (其實媽媽好像也是那樣說, 她吃過陳阿姨和沈阿姨做的)<這觀點在我現在看來很可笑. 更顯得自己沒見識>
2. 前幾天我買了三個大餅油條回來. 因為外公要吃早餐. 大姨來了, 我進去準備, 聽大姨說, 咦, 這大餅沒有芝麻. 外公沒有吃大餅, 他說這個大餅不好, 他放進烤箱一熱, 太硬了, 他不吃了.
他倆都很有主見. 而且很能表達出來. 也會堅持. 媽媽這三項缺一ˊ樣, 表達. 堅持意見, 大事把持小事要看人時地.
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看到決戰江南的影評. 無看完. 但是看到文章裏對角色進行評斷, 很有感觸. 文字用得很果斷. 我絕對不那樣用. 我似乎很不願意下評斷!
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午飯時,提到外公對沈阿姨說很難聽的話. 有兩次, 沈阿姨笑都笑不出來. 最後一次是說她無法無天. 一次是說中國人多爛多爛. 我又加了一句, 外公這樣等於是不給我面子. 大姨和媽媽馬上說, 他一向如此. 這段反覆在我腦海裏.
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大姨在文革後, 1977 年時, 才被鬥! 當時大陸各地都像中央一樣要找代罪羔羊, 結果大姨被認為是毛派, 和其他兩人被鬥. 早上鬥到下午四點半, 大家要回家燒飯, 接小孩才散會. 姨丈還擔心怎麼這麼晚了?! 抱著老二去找大姨.
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姨丈小時候, 他父親會提著鍋子去挑麵擔上買麵和澆頭回來吃早餐, 姨丈可開心了.
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<這是我現在突然記起來的, 姨丈和我講過他以前在部隊裏, 那時部隊幫助鄉裏武鬥. 甚至有發槍彈給群眾. 後來事件過了, 上面要抓人, 姨丈好像還跑到上海躲了一陣子. 那是姨丈帶我去某一個寺廟時說的, 他那天一個人帶我先去吃麵當早餐, 然後上山. 我印象最深的就是那片竹林!>
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咪咪念醫最後一年, 心儀一位在蘇州念絲織品加工的東北子弟. 但是, 這位老兄的父親過世了. 在家裏的壓力下回到東北黑龍江畔. 這使的咪咪期末考五十八分. 咪咪找大姨的同事小X 的兒子做頭面, 打關係, 把五十八分變六十一分.
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本來大姨想要讓咪咪念建築. 但要交出兩幅畫, 咪咪不大會畫, 於是放棄了. 但是咪咪一個也不會畫的同學竟然進了, 一問之下, 那位同學找人帶畫.
既然建築夢沒了. 又到處找關係, 一個是理工, 一個是醫. 咪咪填自願,第一是理工, 第二是醫.
考試一發, 分數構不上第一, 第二竟然沒消息. 一問之下, 人家說他的自願亂填, 這一來又得想辦法找關係, 最後咪咪寫了一篇他自小就想當醫生的文章. 他被錄取了. 當他去問是怎麼會這樣的. 人家告訴他, 他自願亂填, 另外, 不用問了.
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今天下雨一整天, 很火大保護了我.
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圖書館看起來還不錯. 還要再去.
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我不覺得外公有老年癡呆, 但是他精神很不好, 也很不快樂.
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外公自從星期六肚子塞過後, 走路有點像蕭公公, 但他還是可以走.
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今天去嬸婆家. 他是外公的弟媳. 也是我時常聽媽提起小燕子阿姨的媽媽.
我們在那邊從九點半待到了將近三點. 這麼長的時間裏, 全部的人幾乎都坐在嬸婆的餐桌旁聊天. 大部分的聊天幾乎都是蘇州話. 我知能抓到五分之一...也許還高估了. (嬸婆唱歌給我們聽, 一開始是黃梅調, 後來唱著唱著, 又來了紹興獻, 最後唱了兩首, 其中一首大姨跟著唱, 那是大姨和母親都聽過的, 他們祖母唱的.
一開始我們去陽台上看燕子阿姨的金銀花, 葡萄, 玫瑰, 還有其他花草. 走進屋裏, 大姨就稱讚嬸婆走路還很平穩. 母親也在旁同意, 姊妹倆必定都想到自己的老爸. 大姨就說,唉,給外公買了四足拐也不用.嬸婆一大腿打鋼釘,一個髖骨換成人工金屬. 他說剛開始走時, 是很痛的, 但愈多走愈愉快!
大家坐下來後, 燕子阿姨的大姊也來了. 燕子阿姨的丈夫也全程相陪. 他們談了那麼多, 內容包括, 不包含次序...
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外公臨睡一定是門必親自檢點, 甚至冰箱, 廚房, 浴室, 也數數弄弄, 撥撥. 抽屜也打開看看.
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外公關窗簾也有自己的一套, 他常常是半開而不全拉上了. 他說這是要讓外面也可以看到屋裏有人.
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我們在他家的時候, 外公吃很多蠶豆<我們也吃很多蠶豆, 這時節的蠶豆, 是我吃過最好吃的!>
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今早在吃雞至紐, 媽說了一個昨天讓他和阿姨笑得要死的話. 他把麵包給燕子後, 叫媽媽再去買. 要買多點. 因為小杰是蘇家的人了, 他也會拿兩塊麵包走. 媽媽笑得無法說話, 就用寫的. 我聽完就一肚子火. 大喊我是姓莊的. 我越想越氣, 媽媽完全沒想到這種事情. 嚇得拜託我小聲點, 我氣得要打電話給舅媽, 撥不通, 媽媽急得打電話給佩蘭阿姨, 佩蘭阿姨不斷說外公是有病的, 我說他沒有病後, 就無聲息了. 實在不能也不想說啥了. 之後我出去走了一早上. 走一走, 心情好一點, 一開始氣得胃脹, 後來也好一點. 午飯後, 我和媽媽去給外公買鑰匙圈. 媽媽順便去大姨家洗澡. 後來大姨給了我們一個圈. 回去時, 我們分手, 我去圖書館, 他回去. 我死等到六點半才回去.
一天都在想, 為啥那句話讓我發火.
本來我想是自我形象不夠堅固, 一聽我是蘇家的, 就大喊我姓莊. 可是現在我才知道, 我多半因為覺後, 外公懷疑我, 而我最恨別人冤枉! 恨至極矣!
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西元兩千一三年.
五月二日: 網師園, 桂花公園
五月三日: 唐宮, 平江路
五月四日: 彩官姨婆的女兒靜紅來
五月五日: 桂花公園夜景, 山唐街
五月六日: 靈巖寺, 木櫝古鎮, 高新區, 蘇州市政府
五月七日: 蘇州博物館, 忠王府, 拙政園, 獅子林
五月八日: (章太炎故居, 曲園都只是塊牌子)(雙塔修)(圖書館)
五月九日: 拜訪嬸婆
五月十日: 虎丘, 留園
五月十一日: 彩官姨婆家
五月十二日: 周莊
五月十三日: 穹隆山, 觀前街
五月十四日: 洗澡
五月十五日: 東山(潤記)
五月十六日: 洗澡
五月十七日: 鞋子, DVD, 山塘走回家
五月十八日: 同德興, 滄浪亭, 孔廟
五月十九日
我們那時住在外公的公寓裏. 晚上我就把所聽到的稍稍記下. 可惜, 所記不能有十之一二.
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大姨是早產兒, 外婆六個月十搬家, 動了胎氣(好像有血?) 服了安胎劑, 七個月時還是出世了. 據說, 全身都是毛! 外婆看著, 說不要了吧... 她婆婆說, 生都生了, 還試試... 醫生說沒啥希望了... 兩三個月後, 居然活下來了.
大姨小時候,洋娃娃的頭摔破了. 她吵著要去醫院. 外婆說不行, 叔叔這時剛好回來, 就帶著大姨坐黃包車兜風, 回到家門口說, 好啦, 我們從醫院回來啦, 大姨卻不聽, 一進門又吵. 外婆那時正在納鞋底, 一聽吵, 拿起鞋底就給大姨一頓屁股, 叔叔還在旁勸....
小學時, 打肺綜合顯示針, 大姨被分錯了, 陽極的結果到陰極. 這下可好, 她生病在家好幾個月. 到了出來郊遊日, 她吵著要去玩. 不准! 叔叔在旁看了心疼, 他自己小時候多病, 也常待在家裏. 他花了力氣勸服外婆放行. 大姨高興的回來後想, 這樣出來玩真好. 於是捏造了一段. 山上好不好玩? 好玩! 山上吃好多肉, 和尚也吃好多肉. 外婆說, 很好很好. 奶奶說, 哎呦, 罪過, 罪過! 爺爺正看報, 放了下來, 說, 和尚哪有吃葷的...
另有一次, 學校要化妝. 她(大姨)知道外婆喜愛蜜斯佛陀. 大姨為了要讓同學稱讚. 她偷了化妝品. 才剛走到門外, 外婆追出來, 拿著棒子問她, 你剛拿了啥? 大姨要是說謊, 馬上一頓棒子. 她承認拿了蜜斯佛陀. (好像就沒有被打)
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大姨說:
媽媽(我媽媽)小時候身體不大好, 生過甲肝. 還有一次嚴重的食物中毒. 當時是吃啥我不大確定. 媽媽好像昏迷不醒. 大家叫了最好的大夫, 那醫生一看說, 情況不好, 但是如果她可以撐過今天晚上, 我還是有把握治好她的. 外婆和婆婆用力看護了一個晚上, 媽媽居然沒有死! 大夫也如她自己保證的, 把媽媽治好. 不過 媽媽的生體終究弱了. (#外公有兄弟一人, 但是, 還有其他兩個兄弟, 但是, 他們好像也是在抗戰初期, 食物中毒過世#)
那時在大陸上, 外婆最喜歡大姨和舅舅. 公公當然最喜歡舅舅, 外婆的婆婆一看這情況, 就把那一對雙胞胎(我媽媽和小阿姨)一手一個抱住說, 我最喜歡這兩個! (根據媽媽自己的印象, 媽媽始終都記得奶奶在她小的時候, 總是跟在她後面, 拿著一個凳子. 當媽媽累了, 就趕快讓媽媽坐在凳子上)
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外婆會用大括弧, 中刮鬍, 小括弧來做數學,而不是用代數.(我也不確定我在寫啥)
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大姨如何進蘇州博物館?
大姨從崑劇團下來後去農村. 農事後, 她在農村組織宣傳隊, 都是八九歲以上的孩子. 她常常帶著宣傳隊到處宣傳. 她也負責一些農村文化事宜.
一九六七, 工宣隊進駐各級單位, 也包括文化部. 一點名, 大姨不在, 下鄉了. 工頭打電話去農村要人. 農村不放. 結果大姨一個月領不到薪水. 她連舖蓋都留在村裏就進城了. 一進城, 工宣部又不放了. 於是她在忠王府接受再教育. 一九六八年, 靈巖山展出四川劉軍閥親戚們的收租院和其他東西. 她去做講解員. 姨丈一根扁擔, 前舖蓋, 後文莉的小車, 八個月的咪咪也去了, 一去六個月. 後來她再到蘇州館一號室的講解員. 因為一堆文化部的人支援蘇北, 博物館需要人手. 有一次, 一個高幹聽到大姨的解說, 大力讚賞. 從此大姨成為正式管員. 一做卅年!
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外公在量血壓, 他把帶子裝在腕上, 這樣有用嗎?!
五月九日 21:20
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章家廿六舉家遷上海. 日本人來了, 搶燒了一大半後, 又決定回蘇州. 回老家的船上, 外公叔叔睡死了,他們的媽媽和另一位也沒及時醒, 全船的人跑光了, 因為強賊來了, 劫掠一陣後, 他們回去後, 只剩一幢老宅. 那年外公十五歲.
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大姨留在大陸不僅是外婆的決定, 大姨說, 其實是他自願的. 因為他那時認為他才從國民黨的控制下逃脫, 怎麼又要進入他們的管理之下. 另一點是他看到他母親為難的選擇. 外婆最疼大姨和老舅, 可是他又不願意拆散這對雙胞胎, 沙皮巷的街坊鄰居也七嘴八舌的談啥雙胞胎有很強的心電感應. 他也不能留下一對雙胞胎給公婆, 負擔太重. 看到這情況, 他自告奮勇了. 媽媽說, 還有一個理由, 就是大姨聽說他一個同學去香港留級一年. 所以大姨也不想那樣. 大姨聽了就笑, 那哪能構成理由.
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大姨第一次到日本, 外公帶她到百貨公司(或商場)喝咖啡. 大姨一看, 簡直富麗堂皇, 有點害怕了. 外公說他每個週末都和外婆來. 因為外婆說, 週中在家裏都忙的連坐下的時間都沒有. 只有週末這兩天各半小時的時間休息.
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中國北方人和南方人的不同(不知道是為什麼?)
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懲越戰爭: (我記得是從燕子阿姨的先生和姨丈那邊聽到的, 但不是很確定了)
懲越戰爭一開始的時候, 不知道是由華南軍區還是華東負責. 打不好. 後來, 北方軍區上來, 才成功.
戰爭一開始, 軍隊裏沒有官階級別. 開戰後, 軍隊做出改變, 有了級別. 我很驚訝. (不知道他們的消息有多正確)
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大陸學校的贊助費
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我晚上去大姨家沖澡, 順便上網. 我的電腦才一打開, 就看到文莉和佩蘭阿姨的來信.
於是我知道大姨行動的目的, 他早年並不喜歡嬸婆, 又怕我們整天在外公處. 明天他要帶我和媽媽去虎丘和留園也是同樣的用意.
現在是有點窩囊感, 來幫了倒忙...
( 讓大姨和姨丈花了更大的力氣, 又要照顧外公, 還加上我們.)
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今天去虎丘和留園, 有大姨和姨丈領著媽媽和我.
媽媽常向大姨和姨丈提出她對他們的擔心. 姨丈說擔心有啥用. 剛進虎丘入口之前, 我想要買回族人的餅. 大姨一把把我拉回來. "你不怕愛滋啊!" 下山時, 我和大姨討論這問題. 最後導出現在大陸的共產主義被嗤笑, 又提不出啥主義使中國人民統合.
一路上也提到外公以前的陳阿姨可以做這麼久, 原來陳阿姨的環境非常不好. 老公的退休年金很少, 又有個兒子在上大學. 她得要這份工作. 及便有一次, 大姨看到的, 陳阿姨買了一塊蛋糕回來不是外公要的. 外公竟然把蛋糕丟在陳阿姨身上. 大姨看到了, 很替陳阿姨抱不平. 陳阿姨說: "老先生身體不舒服." 她之前是一週七天, 連大年初一都要做半天. 直到陳阿姨的兒子, 年心幾十萬, 她就溜了. 忍了這麼久, 真恐怖.
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在逛留園時, 大姨就提到文莉的作文一直不錯. 她有一次就留園的桂花作文拿獎. 第一次拿獎, 是大姨幫她挑材料. 好像 "中國好" 之類的題材, 她也拿獎. 咪咪看了, 也想作文. 但, 老是不能拿到, 直到高中給一位老師指導才拿到獎. 本來咪咪可以選文組的, 但因老師說她數學好, 他進了理組. 實在不知道文科出來做啥.
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坐在公車回家的路上. 媽媽說和外公提回美國的事, 外公都不要聽, 我在一旁說, 我們只是打頭陣, 還又一波一波的說客要來呢. 不知怎麼提到舅舅和媽媽都是外公教出來的 "好兒女". 我說這恐怕個性大於教育, 要是大姨的話, 外公鐵定教不出來. 大姨說, 大概是喔. 她在高一時, 為了響應煉鋼, 據說香菸屁可以煉鋼, 大姨看幾個同學在觀前街撿了一天菸屁. 她拿回家準備一早帶到學校裏. 隔天一早起來一瞧, 嚇, 他和他同學的戰果不見了, 被她的祖父丟掉了! 大姨大發脾氣, 祖父一看也大罵, 還拉了祖母. 大姨一氣, 就去問老師可否搬到學校. 他約了三兩好友就搬進宿舍. 每天早上五點半起來, 跑步! 學校要求四百尺, 他練了一陣子. 還是不行. 後來他的班長說, 來, 我們半夜起來跑. 一個橢圓形的跑道, 大姨跟著班長跑. 跑到一半, 穿過中間的操場, 那兒有一沙道. 大姨, 噗的摔了一跤! 班長以手支頭, 哎呦, 樹萱啊, 你怎麼這樣子!? 後來, 大姨還是在半夜裏過關了. 之後, 八百尺, 大姨排前三名!
大姨得意的跟我們說, 你看, 訓練有用吧! 我後來也提了媽媽住校的經驗, 媽媽也很喜歡. 而且也常運動的. <我去大姨家沖澡時就提到一張媽媽, 佩蘭阿姨, 和舅舅在海灘上的照片, 大姨說他看過的!>
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大姨吃柿子給小X 看...(I Don't know What I wrote...)
大姨在潘宅的鄰居打牌, 查籍員來, 大姨去警告鄰居(朱老太, 沈, 潘), 可是表現得太慌張, 被盯住了, 牌被沒收了.
燕子阿姨用 QQ, 無電郵!
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嬸婆為了離開蘇州, 遷籍到上海, 叔公到上海電信局(或郵局), 可是突然發起支援皖蘇的運動, 結果叔公全家搬到皖. 外曾祖父應此怪罪嬸婆, 嬸婆當時怪外公, 結果兩人罵上了. 這段是因為提到外叔工也推過手推車. 他那時到皖, 一開始只是站櫃檯, 但, 後來有推車的事就找他. 他有哮喘,對此事始終耿耿<我想事對遷皖的事>
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外公的祖母叫好親婆. 外公家在祖父輩之前經營藥店生意. 外公的祖父好像有書生氣, 臉皮薄, 不會討債. 從此家道中落, 外公的祖父早死, 留下的家也卻還夠. 好親婆撐持門面. 好親婆生過九次, 五個夭折, 三女一子留下. 據大姨說, 她的大姑婆嫁了一個很有錢的人, 為此, 好親婆籌備巨大嫁妝! 當時載嫁的船隊沿河塞了好大的一段水路? 外公的祖父是獨子, 曾在江蘇省體育會上拿過田徑某一項的第三名. 好親婆很寵外婆的爸爸. 外公的爸爸曾在天津某個銀行(好像和東山席家有關)做學徒. 但後來回來結婚後在大姊的三姑婆(錢家)做.
好親婆也很寵外公這個長孫. 據大姨說, 好親婆比外公現在更兇. 嘴巴更厲害. 不過大姨沒見過好親婆.
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據外公的回憶, 他二歲時, 他弟弟出生, 當大家都在忙的時候, 無人理它, 他就獨自穿堂入室進入大家屋裏偷了一大油蹄子! 大人發現時, 還大大稱讚他.
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咪咪到高中時, 差了兩分沒上最好的學校. 據大姨的講法, 有一世足賽, 二大姨發現有小條(有男孩子追)
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媽媽的祖母生了四個兒子. 兩個(老三老四)在抗戰時吃發霉的米夭折. 好親婆生了九個孩子, 五個夭折. 那時的孩子折損率竟超過 50%!
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其時外公和大姨是真像. 兩件事情:
1. 大姨覺得沈阿姨都無做好菜出來. 外公也是這樣說. (其實媽媽好像也是那樣說, 她吃過陳阿姨和沈阿姨做的)<這觀點在我現在看來很可笑. 更顯得自己沒見識>
2. 前幾天我買了三個大餅油條回來. 因為外公要吃早餐. 大姨來了, 我進去準備, 聽大姨說, 咦, 這大餅沒有芝麻. 外公沒有吃大餅, 他說這個大餅不好, 他放進烤箱一熱, 太硬了, 他不吃了.
他倆都很有主見. 而且很能表達出來. 也會堅持. 媽媽這三項缺一ˊ樣, 表達. 堅持意見, 大事把持小事要看人時地.
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看到決戰江南的影評. 無看完. 但是看到文章裏對角色進行評斷, 很有感觸. 文字用得很果斷. 我絕對不那樣用. 我似乎很不願意下評斷!
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午飯時,提到外公對沈阿姨說很難聽的話. 有兩次, 沈阿姨笑都笑不出來. 最後一次是說她無法無天. 一次是說中國人多爛多爛. 我又加了一句, 外公這樣等於是不給我面子. 大姨和媽媽馬上說, 他一向如此. 這段反覆在我腦海裏.
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大姨在文革後, 1977 年時, 才被鬥! 當時大陸各地都像中央一樣要找代罪羔羊, 結果大姨被認為是毛派, 和其他兩人被鬥. 早上鬥到下午四點半, 大家要回家燒飯, 接小孩才散會. 姨丈還擔心怎麼這麼晚了?! 抱著老二去找大姨.
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姨丈小時候, 他父親會提著鍋子去挑麵擔上買麵和澆頭回來吃早餐, 姨丈可開心了.
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<這是我現在突然記起來的, 姨丈和我講過他以前在部隊裏, 那時部隊幫助鄉裏武鬥. 甚至有發槍彈給群眾. 後來事件過了, 上面要抓人, 姨丈好像還跑到上海躲了一陣子. 那是姨丈帶我去某一個寺廟時說的, 他那天一個人帶我先去吃麵當早餐, 然後上山. 我印象最深的就是那片竹林!>
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咪咪念醫最後一年, 心儀一位在蘇州念絲織品加工的東北子弟. 但是, 這位老兄的父親過世了. 在家裏的壓力下回到東北黑龍江畔. 這使的咪咪期末考五十八分. 咪咪找大姨的同事小X 的兒子做頭面, 打關係, 把五十八分變六十一分.
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本來大姨想要讓咪咪念建築. 但要交出兩幅畫, 咪咪不大會畫, 於是放棄了. 但是咪咪一個也不會畫的同學竟然進了, 一問之下, 那位同學找人帶畫.
既然建築夢沒了. 又到處找關係, 一個是理工, 一個是醫. 咪咪填自願,第一是理工, 第二是醫.
考試一發, 分數構不上第一, 第二竟然沒消息. 一問之下, 人家說他的自願亂填, 這一來又得想辦法找關係, 最後咪咪寫了一篇他自小就想當醫生的文章. 他被錄取了. 當他去問是怎麼會這樣的. 人家告訴他, 他自願亂填, 另外, 不用問了.
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今天下雨一整天, 很火大保護了我.
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圖書館看起來還不錯. 還要再去.
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我不覺得外公有老年癡呆, 但是他精神很不好, 也很不快樂.
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外公自從星期六肚子塞過後, 走路有點像蕭公公, 但他還是可以走.
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今天去嬸婆家. 他是外公的弟媳. 也是我時常聽媽提起小燕子阿姨的媽媽.
我們在那邊從九點半待到了將近三點. 這麼長的時間裏, 全部的人幾乎都坐在嬸婆的餐桌旁聊天. 大部分的聊天幾乎都是蘇州話. 我知能抓到五分之一...也許還高估了. (嬸婆唱歌給我們聽, 一開始是黃梅調, 後來唱著唱著, 又來了紹興獻, 最後唱了兩首, 其中一首大姨跟著唱, 那是大姨和母親都聽過的, 他們祖母唱的.
一開始我們去陽台上看燕子阿姨的金銀花, 葡萄, 玫瑰, 還有其他花草. 走進屋裏, 大姨就稱讚嬸婆走路還很平穩. 母親也在旁同意, 姊妹倆必定都想到自己的老爸. 大姨就說,唉,給外公買了四足拐也不用.嬸婆一大腿打鋼釘,一個髖骨換成人工金屬. 他說剛開始走時, 是很痛的, 但愈多走愈愉快!
大家坐下來後, 燕子阿姨的大姊也來了. 燕子阿姨的丈夫也全程相陪. 他們談了那麼多, 內容包括, 不包含次序...
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外公臨睡一定是門必親自檢點, 甚至冰箱, 廚房, 浴室, 也數數弄弄, 撥撥. 抽屜也打開看看.
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外公關窗簾也有自己的一套, 他常常是半開而不全拉上了. 他說這是要讓外面也可以看到屋裏有人.
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我們在他家的時候, 外公吃很多蠶豆<我們也吃很多蠶豆, 這時節的蠶豆, 是我吃過最好吃的!>
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今早在吃雞至紐, 媽說了一個昨天讓他和阿姨笑得要死的話. 他把麵包給燕子後, 叫媽媽再去買. 要買多點. 因為小杰是蘇家的人了, 他也會拿兩塊麵包走. 媽媽笑得無法說話, 就用寫的. 我聽完就一肚子火. 大喊我是姓莊的. 我越想越氣, 媽媽完全沒想到這種事情. 嚇得拜託我小聲點, 我氣得要打電話給舅媽, 撥不通, 媽媽急得打電話給佩蘭阿姨, 佩蘭阿姨不斷說外公是有病的, 我說他沒有病後, 就無聲息了. 實在不能也不想說啥了. 之後我出去走了一早上. 走一走, 心情好一點, 一開始氣得胃脹, 後來也好一點. 午飯後, 我和媽媽去給外公買鑰匙圈. 媽媽順便去大姨家洗澡. 後來大姨給了我們一個圈. 回去時, 我們分手, 我去圖書館, 他回去. 我死等到六點半才回去.
一天都在想, 為啥那句話讓我發火.
本來我想是自我形象不夠堅固, 一聽我是蘇家的, 就大喊我姓莊. 可是現在我才知道, 我多半因為覺後, 外公懷疑我, 而我最恨別人冤枉! 恨至極矣!
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西元兩千一三年.
五月二日: 網師園, 桂花公園
五月三日: 唐宮, 平江路
五月四日: 彩官姨婆的女兒靜紅來
五月五日: 桂花公園夜景, 山唐街
五月六日: 靈巖寺, 木櫝古鎮, 高新區, 蘇州市政府
五月七日: 蘇州博物館, 忠王府, 拙政園, 獅子林
五月八日: (章太炎故居, 曲園都只是塊牌子)(雙塔修)(圖書館)
五月九日: 拜訪嬸婆
五月十日: 虎丘, 留園
五月十一日: 彩官姨婆家
五月十二日: 周莊
五月十三日: 穹隆山, 觀前街
五月十四日: 洗澡
五月十五日: 東山(潤記)
五月十六日: 洗澡
五月十七日: 鞋子, DVD, 山塘走回家
五月十八日: 同德興, 滄浪亭, 孔廟
五月十九日
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