I worked 12.5 hours today

I worked 12.5 hours as an Assistant Rural Carrier for postal service  today.  The hub sent out 2 carriers to helped me out at the end, they took 12 stops from me.  I did 95+26 stops in total.  I felt it was quite impressive, although I ran into difficulty at the end, due to unfamiliar with the route, scanner GPS routing problem, inaccurate markings on packages, and my stupid insistence on procedures.

I was very concerned at the end.  I kept wondering what the hub would think of me.  I kept thinking I am sorry.  Now I got home, 4 hours later, I am still up.  My brain is blank and could not go to bed.  I think I overworked.  I think.  I overworked.  I am up writing this, because I feel so weird that all my thoughts were worries.  Worries of how the hub people gonna think of me.  Worries, how those two female mailmen would looked down upon me.  I am very uncomfortable with the thought.

If I wasn't working, and you asked me would I worry about other people's view on me.  I would tell you I do not care.  But it's not the truth.  I must really care a lot about it, to the point of total dependent on it.  I always remember my friend in middle school asked, or more of confronting me, why do you always say what they want to hear?  I could not really answer it.  I did not think I always say things to please, or say what they want to hear.  But, I found the reality.  It is such, even with my mother.  And the funny thing is anyone can see that.  But they don't say anything.

If I let myself rate the work today, I think it's alright.  I had 95 stops, 18 more than the last Sunday.  I finished about 1 hour more than the last Sunday.  It's about the same rate.  Of course, there's more space for improvement.  But my effort is the same.  My focus is about the same.  I liked that I prioritized certain stops, deviated from the list provided.  Because I am getting familiar with the route.  Overall, it's a good work today.     With the second run, I usually learn things slow, so there's no surprises.  But why was I so worried.  The result was not perfect, but I tried a new route after a fully loaded one.  I just started to do this since June.  And I did not do this every day.  Yes, Rob can do 177, which is double my speed almost.  But why how could I compare myself to him???????   He's CCA. 

I felt a bit frustrated, because it's warehouse all over again.  When I thought back, warehouse was a joke.  All the other guys are doing serious work.  They have a lot of stress, talking about money, their meeting really requires knowledge and wisdom.  Warehouse was such a place where a high school kid can do it, as long as he's focused, can carry some loads, and has a good ethics.   Oh, Vic and Anne made things easy too.  With those quality, you don't even need to go to school for it.  And yet, I treated it like a big deal.

Was I describing a fact, or was I undermining myself again?  Did I do my best today?  I want to say yes.  But the result was bad.  Oh, and my knee is acting up from the last mountain climb.

I want to find a way to improve.  Improve the way I load my truck, improve the way I mark the boxes.  But there is another voice in my mind asking why?  It's just a job.  Remember the last one?  I did so much extra, and yet, I got booted.  The extra didn't keep me there.  No one mentioned it now, except CJ and my Mother.   Why not improving, am I so busy that I have something better to do?  And doesn't better man learn more in the same time compare to the average?  The time I am gonna spent on improving,  will not occupy too much of my time.   I will learn new way to organize and prioritize.  Did not I learn a little bit of excel from warehouse job?  I wasted enough time on many things more useless even harmful.

Worried about what superior would think of you is normal.  But when the things pass, I also know what I did, how I did.  I am certain of my effort.  This is just a job.  I should be more concerned with my own affair and my mom's, and my sister's.  The worry in the past, let it go.  Don't worry the worry... No need to feel shame about it. 

I worked 12.5 hours today.  I felt empty after that.  I must be tired.  Let me go to sleep.  I know I did my best.  Thanks to Crystal and Caroline and Julie.  My mother worried so much she did not went for walk.   Hope she find rest tonight. 

Tomorrow is a new day, I need to get up early, hoping to catch mike before he started on other cars.  :p  Turning in now.