Perseverance, Insistence, Consistence

My Father works to this day, and I am working too  (Approximate, John 5:17)

I have so many things on my desk and around, remnants of things I wanted to do.  Japanese words scraps, Note book titled: my song book, Medical terms vocabulary cards, Card materials, Books I wanted to read, Things I wanted to sell...  Things I thought I might have use one day.

None of them came true.

My alone time, was spend on youtube, various online articles, including news and other unrelated things, surfing things I wanted to buy for vanity reason, and porns.

I remember 4, 5 years ago, when I first met Jessica's sister.  My mom likes her, and we talked excitedly about growing plants.  I would get up early and water the plants.  But after a certain period, my guess it can't be over 2 months, my enthusiasm died down.

I remember I would bring Japanese to warehouse and studied there.  I would practice writing, and phrases.  I would download apps to try.  I would read manga and mimic each sound by the Japanese character on it.  I would listen to youtube video and repeat afterwards.  I tried that for 2 months, or even less.  

I am so interested in cars, I watched so many videos, on  cleaning, detailing, on mechanical issues.  I would go and search any weird issues on my car.  I would ask Vic about it.  I talked about it passionately with my mom and pointed out every car I know on the street. I would still point out cars a the street, but besides occasional consumer report, I stopped it.

I would sometimes jumps on a cleaning spree for a few days in the kitchen, or my house.  But it is always short lived.  Although it was all scheduled, basement every Saturday, kitchen cabinet doors everything Friday night...etc. 

I had many projects around the house, I would buy the material and forget about them.  Those material won't rot, but my spirit would slowly wither.

I would buy condiments and ingredients that I want to cook.  I would only use them again with my Mother's complaints.

I saved some weights, I put them in my room, I never used them.  I have this whole scheme of yoga practice, in the wish to bring my mom into it.  I would hopping on the stationary bike and imagined I would do it persistently from now on.  Imagination is imagination. 

I copied some text from ancient text book, I traced a few ancient Chinese medical drawing.  I want to study Chinese medicines.  Never happened.

I bought many sketch books.  I bought many pencils, color pencils...   Could not keep up. 

I practiced martial arts, long fist, tai chi,  I stopped now.  

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I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured, I am quite prolific with excuses.  If anything, it's not the lack of imagination. 

I felt short and uncomfortable when other people are around.  I keep thinking I am not good enough.  It's not the talent or smart.  Yes, I am weird, but it's not the reason for not feeling good enough.  I want to do so many things, but none was getting done.  Are those two, "want to do a lot, but none getting done" and "feeling short around other people", related to each other?   I know I am capable of  working.  I am looking for jobs.  But the jobs I looked for, I looked down upon them.  I did the same with myself.  But it's has nothing to do with the job.  It must be me, who without perseverance,  which is defined as doing things despite "I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured".  When I got a job, I felt I splashed myself onto it.  But my job doesn't last 24 hours.  What do I do with the rest of my life? 

Don't stop writing, don't stop thinking, don't stop talking, don't stop doing.  There's a reason I am alone.  This is an opportunity, not a misfortune.  Plus, I am not really alone.  Don't forget.