It's been exactly 2 months now. I've got no job prospect. It's been a strange time as corona virus running rampant worldwide. People are not wearing mask on the streets of Andover. But trails of thee town is filled with people even on week days. I think there's an increase of traffic because weather is not as bleak as 2 weeks ago. But it is not normal traffic either. Everyday what we are doing most consistent is to open the app and read the current numbers. And we are bombarded with news relates to the virus.
There's a dread inside my house. That dread maybe partly from the outside event. But I know there's a vortex, which is the source of this dense feeling which is inside of me. I do not know what my next step is. I keep looking for jobs. But I am also wondering if I could do something else? Like going to a school? I really feel like I need to go to school just to open some job positions. But what should I do? The most grounded degree? I hesitated. The last time I got a certificate for interpreter, I did not use it because I was kind scared and crawled back to the old job at Mascon.
Writing it just makes it more painful. To face the real me, is almost unbearable. I need to be humble, accept and choose. Because the indecision slowly exhausted all my options. Worst of all, I cannot get out the mindset. So it's not like I can't decide on doing something at one direction, I am focused on the other direction. I stopped, I suspend my life single-handedly.
------------------------------------------
I know I keep coming back to the theme that I have a lot on my mind. It's not like there's nothing I want to do. Doesn't matter how small the thing is. But I could not find a right time to do it? My sister is doing a journal, she paints, draws, designs, and writes. My mom read Bible, learning new recipes, watching inspiring stories. Uncle is doing his financial. Cousins are all doing their things. I know, because thanks to the social media. They are generous to share. I so wish to be like that.
What's stopping me? What's stopping me? What's stopping me?
----------------------------------------
I need to keep thinking and writing. Some people can keep abstract thoughts in front of their eyes. It seems that I cannot keep it for 2 seconds. If I did not write it. How will I ever recognize it?
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Thursday, April 16, 2020
some thoughts
I quit my job at Charm on Feb. 17. 2020. The reason is that they asked me to start at warehouse on Tuesday and Thursday. So that basically mean, I will be warehouse at N. Andover 3 days, warehouse at Lawrence 2 days. They emailed me about it on Friday(2020/02/14), I'd waited on Monday to reply. I was disheartened. I emailed them back saying, I was busy at 2 locations also mentioned shoulder injury at the end. It was Mike Ashe replied at first but human resource replied my second email CC'd an attorney. I was aroused by the newly attached lawyer. I suddenly felt vulnerable. I was trying to come up with an answer during the weekend. I made a decision if I really had to work warehouse all 5 days, I think I will quit. Upon seeing a lawyer, I was immediately nervous. Because I felt they also want me to quit.
By last October, my shoulder was already screaming. Then I asked for worker's comp. My aunt at Texas said if you did not plan to stay long term, you should ask for worker's comp. So I did. But the company did not say anything else. I did not ask the doctor for anything specific. Doctors just prescribed rest basically. But I felt my body was breaking down slowly. My lower back and my knees started to feel impact. I looked around my colleagues, they either had shoulder surgery, or knee surgery. It seemed so prevalent. I was very scared. I think that also contributes to the whole scenario.
I was a nerve wreck the whole day on Feb. 17. 2020. I don't like to be pushed. I was on the verge of saying quit. But if I did not elaborate on the second email like MikeA asked me to do, I still had a good chance to stay on the job until April, which was the time I really wanted to quit. My sister question me why April, I told her something about health insurance. But actually, I just wish to stay at one place for a year. Anyway, I emailed HR, saying I am able to perform my job in current capacity but not with added warehouse load. But HR kept asking if I could perform my job when I was hired to do. Then MikeA called me up, to ask if I really wanted to quit, and am I going to give a 2 weeks notice. I asked him if I stay for 2 weeks, am I still need to do warehouse at Lawrence. He said yes. I told him, then I will quit now. So I left work at 4. Company had a guy, Brandon by the N. Andover front door, waiting for me already. He followed me all the way to Lawrence office, where I was instructed to return my laptop.
----------------------------
I was quite miserable on this job. But I guess I was miserable on every job. Though that be the case, at Mascon, I had a lot of human interactions; at USPS, I was lucky to meet Dave and the fellow mail carriers, and working at Middleton really helped, I felt I want more interaction. It was really weird that I tried to avoid human contacts at Charm. The people there were not bad, I like to work with the N. Andover crews, Brad, Kevin, Allan, and Karen. I also like to work with Matt at Lawrence. The other people are alright too. I worked with Grace, the Accountant VP, a bit more in the beginning. But after a while, MikeA got annoyed. So I kept minimum contact with her. The situation with MikeA, my manager, was a remote one. I often found little to no job at Andover location. I eventually conveyed this to him at the end of last year, and he met with the head of Electrnoic Dept and I to see what can be done at Electronic Dept, inventory wise.
All sounds good? But I dragged my feet to work everyday. I also felt tremendous pressure to talk to my colleagues about almost anything. I grew restless at work, I felt lost of direction at times. I think this has a lot to do with the position and my unfamiliarity of how the company functioned in the beginning. For lacking of direction had something to do with MikeA. MikeA wasn't a bad colleague. But because of the incident at Mascon, my expectation of my manager would be someone I worked closely and talked a lot. I understand that I did not make great effort to initiate dialogue as often, I also felt that I was left alone at N. Andover and Andover a lot of times. My position was foretold by MikeA as a difficult position, as I realized later, that it was created under compromise of Manufacture and Inventory, and even Accounting Departments. But sadly, my boss was MikeA. He was a very hard worker, incredibly detailed, inexhaustibly diligent, and his head was deep in his work. Sometimes, I felt I work beneath him, and yet sometimes, he treated me like I should've known what to do already. If I was Matt, I think that thought would be fine, but I was not Matt. Matt have been working there for 10 years. I just started. I would've got nothing to do if Grace did not assign me work in the beginning.
When I first started at Mascon, I took a lot of initiation. I asked everything and anything. Now I have to ask myself, was taking initiation the reason I left Mascon? I was growing restless there at the end. I felt I was taking care so many business, and yet, there must be an sense of unfulfillment. I say this now, I really think that Charm's experience showed me something deep inside. I always felt I could do more. But consider this, I had a lot of pressure talking to my colleagues about work. My job as an inventory assistant was to understand the inventory process in all levels, from the items shipping in, stocking, QC, Manufacture, and sales. Every aspect of the process involve inventory issues. And there were 4 facilities. I feel I had to be diplomatic with manager of each facilities, but I also felt that my job required me to look into other people's business. That made me nervous. When MikeA talked with, he said inventory department owned those inventories. But when he talked to other managers, it became more like "what can I be assistant today?" The different tunes really annoyed me to no end.
What is deep inside of me? When uncle asked once, if you kept doing things without people knowing, can you take it? I thought I could. But maybe not after all. The problem of being restless at the end, really is a desire to fulfill myself with anything. I think there's a desire, or maybe even ambition to become a manager. But after Charm, I realize, I am stressed out talking to people about their business which is what a good manager need to do. And I had a illusion that my job at Mascon or at USPS, or at Charm will fulfill something empty inside. When I found that the tasks at hand was relatively small comparing to what other people were doing. My bubble burst, all the possible fulfillment seemed merely an empty shell! I became restless. When I became restless, and I am scared to think and act on what could my fulfillment, even just to step out and trying the possibilities, the whole frustration and disappointment sipped into every faucet of my being.
A realization is a good thing. Sleep on it?
By last October, my shoulder was already screaming. Then I asked for worker's comp. My aunt at Texas said if you did not plan to stay long term, you should ask for worker's comp. So I did. But the company did not say anything else. I did not ask the doctor for anything specific. Doctors just prescribed rest basically. But I felt my body was breaking down slowly. My lower back and my knees started to feel impact. I looked around my colleagues, they either had shoulder surgery, or knee surgery. It seemed so prevalent. I was very scared. I think that also contributes to the whole scenario.
I was a nerve wreck the whole day on Feb. 17. 2020. I don't like to be pushed. I was on the verge of saying quit. But if I did not elaborate on the second email like MikeA asked me to do, I still had a good chance to stay on the job until April, which was the time I really wanted to quit. My sister question me why April, I told her something about health insurance. But actually, I just wish to stay at one place for a year. Anyway, I emailed HR, saying I am able to perform my job in current capacity but not with added warehouse load. But HR kept asking if I could perform my job when I was hired to do. Then MikeA called me up, to ask if I really wanted to quit, and am I going to give a 2 weeks notice. I asked him if I stay for 2 weeks, am I still need to do warehouse at Lawrence. He said yes. I told him, then I will quit now. So I left work at 4. Company had a guy, Brandon by the N. Andover front door, waiting for me already. He followed me all the way to Lawrence office, where I was instructed to return my laptop.
----------------------------
I was quite miserable on this job. But I guess I was miserable on every job. Though that be the case, at Mascon, I had a lot of human interactions; at USPS, I was lucky to meet Dave and the fellow mail carriers, and working at Middleton really helped, I felt I want more interaction. It was really weird that I tried to avoid human contacts at Charm. The people there were not bad, I like to work with the N. Andover crews, Brad, Kevin, Allan, and Karen. I also like to work with Matt at Lawrence. The other people are alright too. I worked with Grace, the Accountant VP, a bit more in the beginning. But after a while, MikeA got annoyed. So I kept minimum contact with her. The situation with MikeA, my manager, was a remote one. I often found little to no job at Andover location. I eventually conveyed this to him at the end of last year, and he met with the head of Electrnoic Dept and I to see what can be done at Electronic Dept, inventory wise.
All sounds good? But I dragged my feet to work everyday. I also felt tremendous pressure to talk to my colleagues about almost anything. I grew restless at work, I felt lost of direction at times. I think this has a lot to do with the position and my unfamiliarity of how the company functioned in the beginning. For lacking of direction had something to do with MikeA. MikeA wasn't a bad colleague. But because of the incident at Mascon, my expectation of my manager would be someone I worked closely and talked a lot. I understand that I did not make great effort to initiate dialogue as often, I also felt that I was left alone at N. Andover and Andover a lot of times. My position was foretold by MikeA as a difficult position, as I realized later, that it was created under compromise of Manufacture and Inventory, and even Accounting Departments. But sadly, my boss was MikeA. He was a very hard worker, incredibly detailed, inexhaustibly diligent, and his head was deep in his work. Sometimes, I felt I work beneath him, and yet sometimes, he treated me like I should've known what to do already. If I was Matt, I think that thought would be fine, but I was not Matt. Matt have been working there for 10 years. I just started. I would've got nothing to do if Grace did not assign me work in the beginning.
When I first started at Mascon, I took a lot of initiation. I asked everything and anything. Now I have to ask myself, was taking initiation the reason I left Mascon? I was growing restless there at the end. I felt I was taking care so many business, and yet, there must be an sense of unfulfillment. I say this now, I really think that Charm's experience showed me something deep inside. I always felt I could do more. But consider this, I had a lot of pressure talking to my colleagues about work. My job as an inventory assistant was to understand the inventory process in all levels, from the items shipping in, stocking, QC, Manufacture, and sales. Every aspect of the process involve inventory issues. And there were 4 facilities. I feel I had to be diplomatic with manager of each facilities, but I also felt that my job required me to look into other people's business. That made me nervous. When MikeA talked with, he said inventory department owned those inventories. But when he talked to other managers, it became more like "what can I be assistant today?" The different tunes really annoyed me to no end.
What is deep inside of me? When uncle asked once, if you kept doing things without people knowing, can you take it? I thought I could. But maybe not after all. The problem of being restless at the end, really is a desire to fulfill myself with anything. I think there's a desire, or maybe even ambition to become a manager. But after Charm, I realize, I am stressed out talking to people about their business which is what a good manager need to do. And I had a illusion that my job at Mascon or at USPS, or at Charm will fulfill something empty inside. When I found that the tasks at hand was relatively small comparing to what other people were doing. My bubble burst, all the possible fulfillment seemed merely an empty shell! I became restless. When I became restless, and I am scared to think and act on what could my fulfillment, even just to step out and trying the possibilities, the whole frustration and disappointment sipped into every faucet of my being.
A realization is a good thing. Sleep on it?
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Saw a poem I like
Why I Wake Early
by Mary Oliver
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.
two movies last night
i watched 2 movies last night.
Rambo the last blood:
It's a near total waste of time. The only reason it's not a "total" waste of time, is because watching Mr. Stallone execute the last move was really quite jaw dropping.
Onward:
It's incredibly weird to transform from Rambo to this animation. LOL, it might be a sign that I am really numb with the violence... A dangerous sign.
The movie was really good! I loved it! I hesitate to watch it because I felt the character design and story does not sound that interesting to me. But Pixar movie has this effect to relate simple relationships and make it friendly and fun in a heart warming way. It showed in small details but became very memorable. I love it.
Quote from the movie:
"I hope there's still a little magic left in you."
Such simple phrase, but it touches my heart in some way. :)
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Watched Mando
I watched The Mandalorian a few nights ago.
I felt the series is in a good direction. There are plenty of memorable characters. But I consider the length of the series is its finest strength. Basically, I am saying it's short and sweet. But at best, it will be like Firefly with longer TV life. The concept is pretty much like the samurai story, Lone wolf and cub. But for episodic style to work, it needs humor and great characters which is what made Firefly so good.
Jedi is already a mystery in the Star War. And is there any characters more curious than Yoda?
What is the Hero's choice? Why did he go back to save the baby? Aren't there other times he'd break guild's rule?
What kind of friends will he gather along the way? Is he going to meet Luke Skywalker?
I felt the series is in a good direction. There are plenty of memorable characters. But I consider the length of the series is its finest strength. Basically, I am saying it's short and sweet. But at best, it will be like Firefly with longer TV life. The concept is pretty much like the samurai story, Lone wolf and cub. But for episodic style to work, it needs humor and great characters which is what made Firefly so good.
Jedi is already a mystery in the Star War. And is there any characters more curious than Yoda?
What is the Hero's choice? Why did he go back to save the baby? Aren't there other times he'd break guild's rule?
What kind of friends will he gather along the way? Is he going to meet Luke Skywalker?
寶寶生病的經歷
我的貓, 寶寶, 生病了. 從四月二日晚間開始, 他躲到牆角的箱子裡, 我就知道他不舒服. 第二天, 啥也不吃並且在貓沙裡看到帶血的稀屎. 那天他拉了一整天這樣的糞便. 他都躺著, 有時候在牆角的箱子, 有時候在二樓走廊上角落. 我摸他的身體竟然, 竟然在身子兩旁, 肋骨之後碰到兩塊乒乓球大小的東西. 我想, 我知道是怎麼一回事了. 寶寶的弟弟, 東東也是一樣癌症. 但是, 我之前因為寶寶拉稀帶血我上網查了一下, 也有可能是其他肝的問題. 寶寶在 2016 年時, 因為肝臟感染曾經去看過醫生. 所以我猜如果不是肝癌, 就是和肝相關的問題. 媽媽那一天剛好煮了一鍋胡蘿蔔泥湯. 媽媽拌了一些 heavy cream , 寶寶竟然還吃了一些!
我本來和媽媽還有小瑋說這次不帶他去看醫生了. 因為我十幾年前去給東東安樂死的記憶實在讓我受不了. 東東本來就膽小, 那時醫生抱進去打安樂針, 本來, 安樂針打了還有一段時間才會過去. 但是, 醫生還給我貓時, 東東只有五分鐘了... 到星期六的時候, 我終於受不了, 或許我很希望醫生跟我說, 寶寶還有救. 寶寶連四肢都在涼下來. 我還是帶去獸醫那.
現在新冠疫情, 我只能在醫院外把寶寶交給護士, 讓她帶寶寶進去. 不久, 我在獸醫的停車場接到獸醫的電話, 她建議安樂死. 她聽說寶寶還可以吃, 她就認為是肝或膽的問題. 無論是癌還是其他問題, 她認為寶寶的肝功能已經喪失, 而且一定痛的很厲害. 應該馬上安樂死. 我不願意, 於是獸醫要我簽個字. 她給了我九針止痛劑.
寶寶到家後的兩天裡情況非常糟糕. 獸醫先給他打了一針止痛劑. 寶寶的眼睛看起來像玻璃, 連閉都不會閉. 把媽媽看了嚇一大跳. 回來後的第一天, 完全就是拉稀, 拉白綠色的稀. 和小瑋講, 她說那全都是 bile. 寶寶連力氣都沒了,嘴巴幾乎都張不開. 更荒論吃任何東西. 直到第二天晚上, 我實在希望他可以吃一點. 我切了很小塊的奶油放在他嘴邊, 寶寶竟然用力的伸出舌頭舔一舔, 就舔完了. 是的, 他連伸出舌頭我都可以感覺到他非常用力. 於是, 從那時起, 我從奶油, 生雞肉, 生肝, 就一直餵到現在. 他現在瘦的皮包了骨, 可是至少可以自己走到一樓再走回二樓去找有太陽的地方睡覺! 呼吸裡的痛苦也不再聽到. 他昨天第一次大出了一條黑長的大便!
我不知道寶寶能撐多久. 因為我感覺他並沒有真的恢復. 他現在瘦的程度就只有謝立言叔叔家的大貓可以相比. 而且, 可以看的出來他仍不大有精神. 而且肚子裡的兩顆球似乎依然存在. 我不知道下一步是怎樣, 但是, 我只想耐心的等待. 如果他出現很痛的現象, 我就給他打個針. 如果他還想吃, 我就繼續給他吃好油, 好肉, 好內臟. 我想可能會有不少人覺得我應該讓他安樂死, 可是每當我看到他現在朝著我大叫因為他餓了的時候, 我好高興!
我本來和媽媽還有小瑋說這次不帶他去看醫生了. 因為我十幾年前去給東東安樂死的記憶實在讓我受不了. 東東本來就膽小, 那時醫生抱進去打安樂針, 本來, 安樂針打了還有一段時間才會過去. 但是, 醫生還給我貓時, 東東只有五分鐘了... 到星期六的時候, 我終於受不了, 或許我很希望醫生跟我說, 寶寶還有救. 寶寶連四肢都在涼下來. 我還是帶去獸醫那.
現在新冠疫情, 我只能在醫院外把寶寶交給護士, 讓她帶寶寶進去. 不久, 我在獸醫的停車場接到獸醫的電話, 她建議安樂死. 她聽說寶寶還可以吃, 她就認為是肝或膽的問題. 無論是癌還是其他問題, 她認為寶寶的肝功能已經喪失, 而且一定痛的很厲害. 應該馬上安樂死. 我不願意, 於是獸醫要我簽個字. 她給了我九針止痛劑.
寶寶到家後的兩天裡情況非常糟糕. 獸醫先給他打了一針止痛劑. 寶寶的眼睛看起來像玻璃, 連閉都不會閉. 把媽媽看了嚇一大跳. 回來後的第一天, 完全就是拉稀, 拉白綠色的稀. 和小瑋講, 她說那全都是 bile. 寶寶連力氣都沒了,嘴巴幾乎都張不開. 更荒論吃任何東西. 直到第二天晚上, 我實在希望他可以吃一點. 我切了很小塊的奶油放在他嘴邊, 寶寶竟然用力的伸出舌頭舔一舔, 就舔完了. 是的, 他連伸出舌頭我都可以感覺到他非常用力. 於是, 從那時起, 我從奶油, 生雞肉, 生肝, 就一直餵到現在. 他現在瘦的皮包了骨, 可是至少可以自己走到一樓再走回二樓去找有太陽的地方睡覺! 呼吸裡的痛苦也不再聽到. 他昨天第一次大出了一條黑長的大便!
我不知道寶寶能撐多久. 因為我感覺他並沒有真的恢復. 他現在瘦的程度就只有謝立言叔叔家的大貓可以相比. 而且, 可以看的出來他仍不大有精神. 而且肚子裡的兩顆球似乎依然存在. 我不知道下一步是怎樣, 但是, 我只想耐心的等待. 如果他出現很痛的現象, 我就給他打個針. 如果他還想吃, 我就繼續給他吃好油, 好肉, 好內臟. 我想可能會有不少人覺得我應該讓他安樂死, 可是每當我看到他現在朝著我大叫因為他餓了的時候, 我好高興!
Monday, March 30, 2020
EDC?
I've been watching EDC video on youtube for quite sometimes now which includes backpacks. Just recently, after I got a t2 bag for a deal, I started to really think about my own EDC.
What I really need to bring everyday is only keys, wallets, and cells. I only started to use cell phone since 2016, before that, I only have keys and wallets. I start to laugh at myself. I only need to pockets, not bags. I start to look at those videos with questions, especially with somebody who claimed to bring his EDC bag everywhere. And some of them showed so many items in the bag. I wonder why.
I started to work last year, and I started to carry a brief case, which contained a laptop and water bottles. I filled my pocket with a box cutter and pen for work. I put keys and wallets in jacket's pocket. Oh, and a bento box. I did see some people bring their backpack. I think that's sensible. But I doubt those people would bring their work bag everywhere.
I once asked a bag company, can I put a basketball and a yoga mat in their 21L bag. I got no response. I guess I cannot. I mean, if I am paying a bag for $200 dollars, I want to be able to bring to work and then go to the gym. By that scenario, what do I need to bring?
What I really need to bring everyday is only keys, wallets, and cells. I only started to use cell phone since 2016, before that, I only have keys and wallets. I start to laugh at myself. I only need to pockets, not bags. I start to look at those videos with questions, especially with somebody who claimed to bring his EDC bag everywhere. And some of them showed so many items in the bag. I wonder why.
I started to work last year, and I started to carry a brief case, which contained a laptop and water bottles. I filled my pocket with a box cutter and pen for work. I put keys and wallets in jacket's pocket. Oh, and a bento box. I did see some people bring their backpack. I think that's sensible. But I doubt those people would bring their work bag everywhere.
I once asked a bag company, can I put a basketball and a yoga mat in their 21L bag. I got no response. I guess I cannot. I mean, if I am paying a bag for $200 dollars, I want to be able to bring to work and then go to the gym. By that scenario, what do I need to bring?
- laptop
- bento
- exchange clothes
- dry bags
- towel
- basketball
- yoga mat
- water bottle
- exchange shoes
That's not including cables, pens, wallets, box cutters...etc, small items. I highly doubt I could put those in a 30L bag. Of course, I am stretching it, because, it's unrealistic to put a yoga mat in a backpack, at best, there's place to latch it on. Dry bags can be reduced to only a plastic bag. Basketball usually is hand carried. But for me, personally, EDC is a stupid thing to watch. I really don't bring that much, even at work...
But when I started to obsessed over something, I can hardly get off it. I've been watching that evergoods video almost every night. I wonder what's really attractive to me? Their selling point made me laugh, "it's so simple, you just throw everything in there, and you go." My gosh... What else can't they make into a selling point? I guess all the rave about great clothes, zipper, and design really sounds awesome??
Why can't I just let it go...? LOL
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Some rhymes I wrote in the past couple years
I have written rhymes for some post at facebook and instagram throughout the years.
I cam collecting them here. Many of them were presented with pictures, but I am only collecting the writings.
2020/3/24:
2019/11/15:
Night sky,
I was wondering,
Why winter style was so dark.
We dress ourselves in dark hat
Dark coat and dark pants
What shines is the gleaming grease
You put on your boots
I,
Was chasing a big moon
Night sky
---------------------------------------
I cam collecting them here. Many of them were presented with pictures, but I am only collecting the writings.
2020/3/24:
Snowed last night, now it's melting.
Through the green filter,
Comes in the sun lit morning
Through the green filter,
Comes in the sun lit morning
The droplets bounced on the wall
Like a rain,
The sound and sun and shadow
Of my cat
He's enjoying the sun
I, the rain.
Like a rain,
The sound and sun and shadow
Of my cat
He's enjoying the sun
I, the rain.
--------------------------------
2020/2/26:
What is an image to you
A reflection?
Or just an image?
I'm only a passer by
I felt scared
Fear an image made
In sleeping baby?
It's an image caught in a second
Of a person's life
But a second stopped
Is a second lost
Thus a still born
Was what I fear
Death then does it remind
(Wrote a poem about sculpture at MFA Boston)
--------------------------------
2020/2/17:
Found a window
It's quiet
Because cat is napping
(Mom was reading at my table upstairs)
---------------------------------
2020/2/26:
What is an image to you
A reflection?
Or just an image?
I'm only a passer by
I felt scared
Fear an image made
In sleeping baby?
It's an image caught in a second
Of a person's life
But a second stopped
Is a second lost
Thus a still born
Was what I fear
Death then does it remind
(Wrote a poem about sculpture at MFA Boston)
--------------------------------
2020/2/17:
Found a window
It's quiet
Because cat is napping
(Mom was reading at my table upstairs)
---------------------------------
2019/12/26:
Friends forever? Of course!
Never leave me? Of course!
Anything of me?
Never leave me? Of course!
Anything of me?
Peace and quiet in the car?
.... No!
(writing for a trip to NH on Christmas, w/ my cousin, ML, and ML's sis, along with Xiao Hu, my cousin's dog. The dog was very anxious in the car always)
---------------------------------
2019/12/22:
T's a realize with gratitude
Basically a ball of fur
Standing with paws raised
And wide wide wondered
Basically a ball of fur
Standing with paws raised
And wide wide wondered
I pray to thee
For them never to find
Since cows feed and milk
Dogs guide and smells
For them never to find
Since cows feed and milk
Dogs guide and smells
I hope cuddly and cute is
All I need to do.
In this coming year
All I need to do.
In this coming year
(post a drawing of a cat made in Taiwan, 2019/10)
-------------------------------------
2020/12/17:
Snowy path, cover the red snow
Bare minimum tree, it's canopy
So transparent, in a lucid storm
Let me yap a little
From this little stone
Bare minimum tree, it's canopy
So transparent, in a lucid storm
Let me yap a little
From this little stone
--------------------------------
Night sky,
I was wondering,
Why winter style was so dark.
We dress ourselves in dark hat
Dark coat and dark pants
What shines is the gleaming grease
You put on your boots
I,
Was chasing a big moon
Night sky
---------------------------------------
2019/9/23:
Flowers of early Fall
It's colder in the morning and night.
I found bees using flowers as beds.
Why don't they go home
Is it the starry sky
Or they love bathing in the sun,
Until it's too late, too cold
To go home.
I found bees using flowers as beds.
Why don't they go home
Is it the starry sky
Or they love bathing in the sun,
Until it's too late, too cold
To go home.
-----------------------------------
2019/7/17:
Sleeping under a tree, woke up
Still not a Buddha.
That's a weary dream we just had
But why, if we woke, and nothing
Has changed.
Oh, didadidadida.
Time goes around without noticing me
Why can't I do the same to him
Butterfly is going to come,
I just hope this year's flower bed
Is ready. Thanks to this year's rain,
I can live in a lazy man's dream.
---------------------------------
2019/7/17:
Sleeping under a tree, woke up
Still not a Buddha.
That's a weary dream we just had
But why, if we woke, and nothing
Has changed.
Oh, didadidadida.
Time goes around without noticing me
Why can't I do the same to him
Butterfly is going to come,
I just hope this year's flower bed
Is ready. Thanks to this year's rain,
I can live in a lazy man's dream.
---------------------------------
2019/6/28:
Thank you, postal service. For a year,
What an experience!
And serving a community
as pretty as this!
What an experience!
And serving a community
as pretty as this!
I went through a storm,
Saw a river, its beauty I cannot decipher,
I love the sunny days, people amazed
To see me deliver.
Sometimes scared of dogs of three
Circling around me.
And at times, overwhelmed, when clerks kept piling on me.
Saw a river, its beauty I cannot decipher,
I love the sunny days, people amazed
To see me deliver.
Sometimes scared of dogs of three
Circling around me.
And at times, overwhelmed, when clerks kept piling on me.
But my master always cheerful,
My co-workers helped me to sort,
Answer my questions, and tolerated me.
My co-workers helped me to sort,
Answer my questions, and tolerated me.
Thank you so much,
I put these in my treasure vault,
For one day, I can open it
And be proud to be one of you for a while!
I put these in my treasure vault,
For one day, I can open it
And be proud to be one of you for a while!
(made a card for Middleton Post Office, where I worked for a year as a carrier)
------------------------------------------
2019/6/27:
Walking near the midnight
People are gone,
Cars? Gone too.
How can a tree be visible in this dark
It has to be darker than the sky
I walked to downtown
The only place with lamp at night
In this town
And there, I saw a practical effect.
A symphony, a synergy
Between light,
Concrete,
And trees,
reflect and refract
Making the shadow of the night.
---------------------------------
2019/6/27:
Walking near the midnight
People are gone,
Cars? Gone too.
How can a tree be visible in this dark
It has to be darker than the sky
I walked to downtown
The only place with lamp at night
In this town
And there, I saw a practical effect.
A symphony, a synergy
Between light,
Concrete,
And trees,
reflect and refract
Making the shadow of the night.
---------------------------------
2019/4/21:
Add a little color to the picture!
Plant a sweet dream for every swing.
Plant a sweet dream for every swing.
--------------------------------------------
2019/4/21:
I drove over this little guy today. He was so small, looked like a piece of fallen leaf...
Stopped the car 20 feet and realized it's a young snapping turtle.
Walked back and picked him up, was afraid he's going to bite me, but I guess he was scared too.
Put him by the lake, where he's probably heading originally.
Little guy opened his mouth at me, smiling, are you?
----------------------------------------
2019/4/17:
I jump with my tail.
Don't be surprised,
You worldly people.
Just because you've never seen it
Doesn't mean it's abnormal,
Just a creative mind explode.
Don't be surprised,
You worldly people.
Just because you've never seen it
Doesn't mean it's abnormal,
Just a creative mind explode.
(picture showed Ashby lying on the ground belly up)
------------------------------------
2019/4/1
Same locale, different weather.
I think a philosopher would lament
Life is a circle
I think an artist would try to express their feelings using any means
I think a forensic scientist would try to find the location
But a business man, he will learn from this and find a marketing team to sell their product in the spring...
.
Life is a circle
I think an artist would try to express their feelings using any means
I think a forensic scientist would try to find the location
But a business man, he will learn from this and find a marketing team to sell their product in the spring...
.
----------------------------------
2019/3/25:
A Royal pose, the only thing needs now is, you guessed, a Rolex.
(Ashyby posted for a pose by the window)
----------------------------------------
2019/3/4:
I see sth special.
A face with teeth
And dreary eyes.
Usually with fins.
On the top of the food chain.
How weird.
It is here
In the snow.
A face with teeth
And dreary eyes.
Usually with fins.
On the top of the food chain.
How weird.
It is here
In the snow.
(after snow, snow covered car looks like a shark in certain angle)
-----------------------------------------
2019/2/6:
Just came back from from visiting mom, sis, uncle, aunt, cousins, friends, neighbors, they were asking about you...
I said, sorry, he lost his tie...
It would not be polite...
It would not be polite...
They suggested you used mine.
(Ashby looks like wearing a tie and suit)
----------------------------------------
2018/10/27:
It was raining and windy, but pretty.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But, when I got back, there's only me left. rain was horizontal, and wind was parallel. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
Regret, on so many level...
(delivering mail in a storm, came across a small river, been driven around it, never gave it much throught, but it caught my eyes in the storm!)
---------------------------------------------------------
2018/10/7:
Looked at those empty chairs,
Reminded me and you,
Went out to take photos
Of red and gold.
While I'm your model,
And all the trees,
All the rivers,
And the hills,
Are just backgrounds.
Reminded me and you,
Went out to take photos
Of red and gold.
While I'm your model,
And all the trees,
All the rivers,
And the hills,
Are just backgrounds.
It's been a while,
Another Autumn.
Not an empty setup though.
Look, I can see your smile.
Another Autumn.
Not an empty setup though.
Look, I can see your smile.
-------------------------------------
2018/9/25:
It's a window,
Kind magical
Some people
Can lead you
To a place
Wonderful!
Kind magical
Some people
Can lead you
To a place
Wonderful!
(took a picture Grandpa left behind)
-----------------------------------
2018/9/17:
Enroute to work, it was foggy. Combined with sun, green pasture, and long shadow, quite pretty.
(morning sunday, foggy, caught a couple a pictures)
----------------------------------
2018/8/21:
Norhing is created by me, friend's amazing wedding, grand location, good cell phone!
Thank you for sharing!
(took a picture at Tom's wedding)
------------------------------------
2018/8/5:
Today is sunny,
i was doing package delivery,
Along the way,
There are something
amazes me,
A red sun smiled hotly,
And a lima 'laxed in
On a lot of green.
There, there, thats my story.
i was doing package delivery,
Along the way,
There are something
amazes me,
A red sun smiled hotly,
And a lima 'laxed in
On a lot of green.
There, there, thats my story.
---------------------------------
2018/6/17:
We went to the mountain
Ignorant as we were
Frail as usual
How can we know
The height from low
Ignorant as we were
Frail as usual
How can we know
The height from low
Onward we go
Steady the foot
Through the valley and river
Ascent to the top
Mountain revealed
What eagle saw
Steady the foot
Through the valley and river
Ascent to the top
Mountain revealed
What eagle saw
Last step was a trial
Mixed with physical
and sore muscle
All the boulders and rocks
And the tree roots and sliding mud
And bad knees and bad ankles
Mixed with physical
and sore muscle
All the boulders and rocks
And the tree roots and sliding mud
And bad knees and bad ankles
Empty lot awaited us
The orange sun painted
On the mountain side
As lonely driver pulled away
His car was full
Of the people in a dreaming state
'tis the day with no regret
The orange sun painted
On the mountain side
As lonely driver pulled away
His car was full
Of the people in a dreaming state
'tis the day with no regret
--------------------------------------
2016/11/11:
Midnite monster, dream shredder, awwwwww....
Midnite monster, dream shredder, awwwwww....
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Movie that says so little
I saw a movie called, Arctic.
A very simple movie about a man stranded somewhere near Arctic Circle. When a helicopter came to rescue him, the helicopter fell through the sky, leaving the pilot dead, and a woman rescuer disabled. This man decided to take a long hike to bring the woman to safety, or else the woman would surely die.
There are only 2 characters, but only one mumbled occasionally. Yet, the movie was so gripping, that I could not avert my eyes from it. The only color was white through and through, but landscape was so incredibly grand. I wonder what's catching my attention?
The man was so calm, before the rescuers came. There was only the element and a hint of a polar bear on the brink. After the accident, the man showed a lot of compassion for the disabled woman. He apparently was very capable in terms of survival. But when the other human being showed up, although he did not show much emotions outwardly, his decision and actions spoke louder than anything. He decided to hike towards a permanent camp while carried the woman along. He had to trek in the snow, through storms, and attack of bear. He had to change his course, taking a longer route, and endure injury and losing faith at times.
The movie was presented in such a subdued tone. I felt such a realistic presentation of a man making a decision and followed through. But the image really burnt in my head hard.
I myself was ashamed, because I know in so many turns of events, I kept thinking the man would have to give up and start to eat the woman. I was so happy, I was wrong. I guess I read so many stories about people eating people under the same situation.
I wonder why it's gripping. With such simple sound, monotone graphic. Deep down, I feel it's unbelievable. But how much I wish it is true. A man with great strength presented in the most ordinary fashion, under most strenuous situation; made a decision, followed through it.
It was one of the most elegant movie I've seen.
A very simple movie about a man stranded somewhere near Arctic Circle. When a helicopter came to rescue him, the helicopter fell through the sky, leaving the pilot dead, and a woman rescuer disabled. This man decided to take a long hike to bring the woman to safety, or else the woman would surely die.
There are only 2 characters, but only one mumbled occasionally. Yet, the movie was so gripping, that I could not avert my eyes from it. The only color was white through and through, but landscape was so incredibly grand. I wonder what's catching my attention?
The man was so calm, before the rescuers came. There was only the element and a hint of a polar bear on the brink. After the accident, the man showed a lot of compassion for the disabled woman. He apparently was very capable in terms of survival. But when the other human being showed up, although he did not show much emotions outwardly, his decision and actions spoke louder than anything. He decided to hike towards a permanent camp while carried the woman along. He had to trek in the snow, through storms, and attack of bear. He had to change his course, taking a longer route, and endure injury and losing faith at times.
The movie was presented in such a subdued tone. I felt such a realistic presentation of a man making a decision and followed through. But the image really burnt in my head hard.
I myself was ashamed, because I know in so many turns of events, I kept thinking the man would have to give up and start to eat the woman. I was so happy, I was wrong. I guess I read so many stories about people eating people under the same situation.
I wonder why it's gripping. With such simple sound, monotone graphic. Deep down, I feel it's unbelievable. But how much I wish it is true. A man with great strength presented in the most ordinary fashion, under most strenuous situation; made a decision, followed through it.
It was one of the most elegant movie I've seen.
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Just some thoughts
I started this blog half hour ago. But I only wrote the title down. Then, for half an hour, I went and surfed the net and watching Youtubes. At first I thought I would write about 30 minutes until 2. Nothing was done. I got distracted.
I got distracted. A perfect sentence. I got distracted. A man without goal and thoughts in his life. A complete useless man.
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I was watching my cousin's free Shaolin exercise video, which they made to specifically for the current condition of the world. Their passion for their art is very impressive. My cousin and his girl friend works side by side, that's very impressive too. I gotta try their work out sometimes.
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I was going to drive a friend to Penn. But I got cold symptoms for a few days, finally I decide I should tell that friend. This pandemic thing is annoying... I don't think I contracted it, but I do have phlegm in my throat... This is really a big let down... I was looking forward to go for this road trip. That friend acted quickly, because her daughter is going to deliver very soon. She immediately changed the flight she was going to give up and she's on the way to air port as we speak. I can see her being stressed out. Grrrrr.... I did not even work... How did I get a cold??
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I want to write it and forget it. But is it possible? The blissful forgetfulness.
--------------------------------------------------------
Mom asked me was she really a terrible mom? Because my sister came in as usual yesterday to have their bible study. The, my sister mentioned an incident where my mom insisted my sister to have a proper breakfast, but my sister did not have stomach for it. Then my mom got heated and according to my sister's account, my mom threw the hot chocolate drink on my sister's face and clothes.
Mom did not remember any of it. My sister is so sure of it. I don't really remember it.
My mom's saying my sister did not remember herself being very difficult.
I think I am the sole benefactor of their conflict... And yet this is what I turned out to be. And here, I starting to think of myself again, disgusted at myself.
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I've been watching youtube videos about bags for quite sometimes now. It started with EDC, everyday day carry. It's kind hilarious. First they started with keys, wallets, phones, then slowly, the list was getting longer with pocket knifes, watches, flashlights, self defense tools, multi-tools...etc. Then there's the bag.
I bought a bag from timbuk2 for my sister last year, trying to replace the bag she used for more than 5 years now which was from timBk2 too. It's too small for her, turns out. So I started using it. It's too small for me as well, I cannot even fit my water bottle, although for fairness, that's a big water bottle. 32 oz, 0.95 Lt in size.
Material on the outside is solid, so was most of the interior linings. But the quick pockets are not, they feel cheap in material(too thin), and the design is way too small, barely functional. The bag is extra small, what can I do? I thought the length of the bag was 11", I was mistaken, it's only 8"...
The one I used before was eastsport messenger bag. It has great capacity, light weight, and durable, I still have it. But it so soft, cannot stand up, and organization was minimal. The problem lies in the great capacity and minimal organization, I have to search for my pen in a great throw pocket. After I used TimBk2, found TimBk2 to be too heavy. the organization was tempted but not successful. But it can stand up, the buckle to tighten the stripe is a fantastic thing!
But looking at my EDC, it's only key, wallet, cell phone, and a sketchbook. To carry a bag everywhere is stupid... LOL
There's a particular bag I really like, it's from evergoods, but by reviewing my EDC. It's extremely stupid to even think about it!?
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PA Memorial Bell Tower
West Side: MONVMENTVM ET PIGNVS AMORIS (A Monument and Pledge of Love)
North Side: POST EOS LVCET VIA (The Way Shines after Them)
South Side: LOCO SANCTO STABUNT (They Rest in a Sacred Place)
North Side: POST EOS LVCET VIA (The Way Shines after Them)
South Side: LOCO SANCTO STABUNT (They Rest in a Sacred Place)
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Quote from Embers
“... deep inside you was a frantic longing to be something or someone other than you are. It is the greatest scourge a man can suffer, and the most painful. Life becomes bearable only when one has come to terms with who one is, both in one's own eyes and in the eyes of the world. We all of us must come to terms with what and who we are, and recognize that this wisdom is not going to earn us any praise, that life is not going to pin a medal on us for recognizing and enduring our own vanity or egoism or baldness or our pot-belly. No, the secret is that there's no reward and we have to endure our characters and our natures as best we can, because no amount of experience or insight is going to rectify our deficiencies, our self-regard, or our cupidity. We have to learn that our desires do not find any real echo in the world. We have to accept that the people we love do not love us, or not in the way we hope. We have to accept betrayal and disloyalty, and hardest of all, that someone is finer than we are in character or intelligence.”
― Embers
This quote stays with me since I finished the book. Some quotes is like a spark in the dark. I don't remember too much about everything else, but those sparks. Sometimes I wonder if these quotes echoed in my mind, do those quotes described me or I might also had similar thoughts flashed through my mind before.
“We have done everything within the scope of modern medicine.' Those are just words. They apparently did everything within their erratic knowledge and the limits of their vanity. ”
― Embers
“Whoever refuses to accept a part wants the whole, wants everything.”
― Embers
“Then I understood that a survivor has no right to bring a complaint. Whoever survives has won his case, he has no right and no cause to bring charges; he has emerged the stronger, the more cunning, the more obstinate, from the struggle.”
― Embers
― Embers
This quote stays with me since I finished the book. Some quotes is like a spark in the dark. I don't remember too much about everything else, but those sparks. Sometimes I wonder if these quotes echoed in my mind, do those quotes described me or I might also had similar thoughts flashed through my mind before.
“We have done everything within the scope of modern medicine.' Those are just words. They apparently did everything within their erratic knowledge and the limits of their vanity. ”
― Embers
“Whoever refuses to accept a part wants the whole, wants everything.”
― Embers
“Then I understood that a survivor has no right to bring a complaint. Whoever survives has won his case, he has no right and no cause to bring charges; he has emerged the stronger, the more cunning, the more obstinate, from the struggle.”
― Embers
Saturday, March 14, 2020
到底怎麼了?
一個月前, 我又辭職了. 我這次辭職和前兩次的感覺很不一樣. Mascon 的時候, 我很憤怒, 但是也很惶恐. 憤怒就不贅述, 惶恐是因為覺得自己絕對不會又那樣的暴怒, 但是竟然真的爆發出來. 我對自己的控制力產生很大的懷疑. 在郵局上班的時候, 很容易和同工保持距離. 所以比較不擔心. 但是, 一旦到了 charm 公司裡, 和很多同事都是常常在一起, 又要監督別人, 有時候我要得提出一些令人難堪的問題, 這令我很緊張.
自從在 Charm 上班後, 我都有意地和同事保持距離. 我這個人不是很願意和別人做檢討, 甚至 Grace 都當面很我說, You are not very confrontational. 我不僅僅不是, 而且還刻意避免. 我很清楚我自己, 我也很清楚每個人都看的到我這一點. 可是這樣不能提出客觀的批評, 在工作上是一個很大的缺失. 我覺得我可以做這個工作. 可是, 如果我不能提出可觀的批評, 或著是要提出批評的時候, 會非常惶恐. 這個工作到最後就淪為用力的工作.
我工作半年後, 肩膀開始受傷. 甚至拿了 worker's comp. 醫生只是說要休息. 我也覺得既然還能動, 也還繼續. 結果在一個多月前, Charm 總部的倉庫走了一個人, 有另一人在三月有軍假, 四月有一般假期. 他們叫我去做. 我覺得我肩膀有問題, 如果這樣做兩三個月, 恐怕不行. 但是, 他們一定要我去做. 我決定辭職, 我的直屬上司, michael A 問我是否給兩星期的通知, 我問他這兩星期是否還是要去 Lawrence 倉庫, 他說是. 我說那就今天辭職走人.
我常常想, 如果我像在 Mascon 一樣, 和每個人都很好, 啥事都願意做. 我很清楚我一定可以在 Charm 待很久. 另外, 如果我可以表現得更像一個經理, 能處理更多的事, 能提出更多批評和建議. 我或許就不會被叫去做倉庫替補. 這都是我的想像. Charm 方面的想法我也只能猜. 可是我卻不能不想.
實際上, 我妹一再叫我 quit. 因為我一直抱怨這裡痛那裏痛. 我覺得我辭職的時機拿捏得很不恰當. 應該要早兩個月. 我本來是像在四月之後辭職, 但是, 我現在覺得根本就應該在十一月辭掉了. 因為我的確是這到處受傷. 除了我的肩膀外, 我兩膝蓋的內側也在痛. 我的腰也有時會發作. 但是, 現在辭職就是在公司最需要人的時候, 我也是在公司的要求下, 徹底承認自己的身體有超過負荷的可能, 只好走人. 這在我自己來說, 身體傷害已經造成, 公司也因為我晚兩個月辭職而對人事上有錯誤的預估. 另外, 當我剛進公司的時候, 總部倉庫的負責人說過如果總部缺人, 我也可以去頂兩下. 我當時沒做出反應. 現在想想, 當時應該要仔細考慮這個可能性. 實際上, 我已去過總部幫過一些事情.
我仍然認為我的溝通是很大的問題! 這不光是語言. 因為在 Mascon 可以說中文. 那這是表達的問題.
自從在 Charm 上班後, 我都有意地和同事保持距離. 我這個人不是很願意和別人做檢討, 甚至 Grace 都當面很我說, You are not very confrontational. 我不僅僅不是, 而且還刻意避免. 我很清楚我自己, 我也很清楚每個人都看的到我這一點. 可是這樣不能提出客觀的批評, 在工作上是一個很大的缺失. 我覺得我可以做這個工作. 可是, 如果我不能提出可觀的批評, 或著是要提出批評的時候, 會非常惶恐. 這個工作到最後就淪為用力的工作.
我工作半年後, 肩膀開始受傷. 甚至拿了 worker's comp. 醫生只是說要休息. 我也覺得既然還能動, 也還繼續. 結果在一個多月前, Charm 總部的倉庫走了一個人, 有另一人在三月有軍假, 四月有一般假期. 他們叫我去做. 我覺得我肩膀有問題, 如果這樣做兩三個月, 恐怕不行. 但是, 他們一定要我去做. 我決定辭職, 我的直屬上司, michael A 問我是否給兩星期的通知, 我問他這兩星期是否還是要去 Lawrence 倉庫, 他說是. 我說那就今天辭職走人.
我常常想, 如果我像在 Mascon 一樣, 和每個人都很好, 啥事都願意做. 我很清楚我一定可以在 Charm 待很久. 另外, 如果我可以表現得更像一個經理, 能處理更多的事, 能提出更多批評和建議. 我或許就不會被叫去做倉庫替補. 這都是我的想像. Charm 方面的想法我也只能猜. 可是我卻不能不想.
實際上, 我妹一再叫我 quit. 因為我一直抱怨這裡痛那裏痛. 我覺得我辭職的時機拿捏得很不恰當. 應該要早兩個月. 我本來是像在四月之後辭職, 但是, 我現在覺得根本就應該在十一月辭掉了. 因為我的確是這到處受傷. 除了我的肩膀外, 我兩膝蓋的內側也在痛. 我的腰也有時會發作. 但是, 現在辭職就是在公司最需要人的時候, 我也是在公司的要求下, 徹底承認自己的身體有超過負荷的可能, 只好走人. 這在我自己來說, 身體傷害已經造成, 公司也因為我晚兩個月辭職而對人事上有錯誤的預估. 另外, 當我剛進公司的時候, 總部倉庫的負責人說過如果總部缺人, 我也可以去頂兩下. 我當時沒做出反應. 現在想想, 當時應該要仔細考慮這個可能性. 實際上, 我已去過總部幫過一些事情.
我仍然認為我的溝通是很大的問題! 這不光是語言. 因為在 Mascon 可以說中文. 那這是表達的問題.
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