Is there anything more random??!!!

 寶寶是個好貓貓，他是一個黃金貓。

他有漂亮的大眼睛，還有迷人的鬍鬚！

餘音錄完後的感想

 總共花了八個月。  

我本來覺得第二部，抗戰的部分，會比第一部更吸引人。  但是到最後，我覺得沒有。  第二部是對抗戰下的重慶日常生活提供了一個很好的參考。  但是以小說來說， 主軸故事卻沒有真正的和抗日生活描述聯繫起來。  中間有很多的空隙。  我覺得如果可以分開來， 把抗日生活以散文的方式呈現， 會更好。  故事方面，抗戰的描述流於空洞和制式化， 國內的政治情勢才是主軸。  我覺得一方面是因為作者本身的工作就不是前線戰場， 而是大後方的新聞管理。  在這一方面，作者提供了一個很棒的視角。  但是， 再一次的， 如果是純回憶， 我覺得會更精采。  

另外， 在開始錄製後， 我仍然希望可以緊跟著作者的用詞。  但是， 有些地方不能避免的還是有文字和口語的衝突。  我這次比在錄成長路的時候，稍微放縱一些， 大部分仍跟著很緊。  有些地方不免奇怪些。  

我下面要開始陸續錄製一些徐鍾珮的散文。  

歌詞鈔

 Lyrics

song and lyrics by The Brothers Four

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh, so mellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow, follow

Try to remember when life was so tender
That no one wept except the willow
Try to remember the kind of September
When love was an ember about to billow
Try to remember and if you remember
Then follow, follow

Deep in December, it's nice to remember
Although you know the snow will follow
Deep in December, it's nice to remember
The fire of September that made us mellow
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow, follow, follow

EndeavourFirst season Afterthought

 I was surprised  by the duration of each episode, each one is like a movie.  It's atmosphere heavy, character driven.  The plots in the first two episodes were okay.  I think they are deep enough and layered reasonably.  But the plots in the last 2 was very lazy, I feel the twist was forced, artificial even.  The last 2 episodes seemed to be trying to introduce audiences who the characters are, what's their backgrounds...etc.  It's okay for me.  I will try season 2, hopefully the quality of mystery would go back up a bit.  I would rather the episode focused on mystery sprinkled little bits of characters and background.  But I feel the series would be in reverse.  

The character of Fred Thursday actually reminded me of Armand Gamache in Three Pines series.   

TheMaid afterthought

 I don't like the book.  The book is a breeze to read, I finished it quickly enough.  I have some chuckles at the beginning when the protagonist is being introduced.  But the first person narrative quickly became repetitive and mind numbing, until some other characters were introduced, and their action starts to drive the story forward.  

But everything moved in a brisk pace, which is a good thing.  I feel the protagonist does not give me an authentic person, especially when the plot twist in the ending.  And there's a lot of cliché in the story.  Cliche is fine, as long as the characters and plots are interesting enough.  But not here.  

And the ending... Oh my...  The lazy ending.  I am not sure what the author's purpose for the ending?  Not a very good book.  Just waste a few days reading this book.  That feeling mostly came from the ending.  The subpar plot and characters were okay, kind expect for a book like this.  But the feeling of waste make this book worthless.  

Happy Everyday

 昨天去 Roger 家吃飯。  這事已在三個星期前約好了。  當時媽媽滿興奮的。  因為大概一個多月以前她第一見到 Roger 的女兒， 柔柔。  媽媽當場就好喜歡這個三歲的小女孩。  但是， 一方面因為媽媽上週感冒後現在仍然咳嗽，而且很容易累。  另一方面， 我看到 Roger 的餐點裡有冰淇淋蛋糕， 就知道媽媽的預感是對的， 這是一個生日宴。  媽媽在三個星期前聽到有這個約的時候， 他就問會否是一個生日。  我想有可能， 本來要去問的。  但是， 媽媽說不要問吧。  就因為他說不要問， 我感覺他還滿想去的。  現在生日蛋糕出現了， 他也就藉著感冒沒好， 事實上也真的沒好， 說不去了。  

這個聚會人並不多， 只有五個外人，包括我在內。  Roger 把院子弄得還不錯， 他岳母種的花花草草也都長得很好。  其中有一株， 那顏色真是漂亮極了， 那形狀也是豐富的不得了。  Becca 弄了一個 雅買加 jerkey chicken, 和 Bean and rice, 還有沙拉， 還有冷盤。  胡熒阿姨帶了壽司， 舅媽也帶了一個涼拌，Leo & Maria 帶了好多水果， 我也準備了一些 tzatziki。  我們吃完後， 我到院子裡走一走，去照照相， 後來胡熒阿姨和舅媽也帶著柔柔出來， Roger 也出來拿了些玩具給柔柔玩。  

我們回進去後， 大家就看柔柔吃飯。  柔柔真的是滿會講話的， 聽一個小小孩帶著稚氣用一些成熟的詞彙， 他把大家都逗笑了。   Leo 叔叔笑得可開心了。  唉， 如果媽媽在，他也是會高興地。  接者就是吃蛋糕， Becca 好像提到蛋糕上面的字眼不是 happy birthday.  我還沒搞清楚， 等蛋糕盒一揭開， 我伸頭一瞧， 真的， 蛋糕上面寫著的字樣是 ， Happy Everyday!  Becca 說是胡熒阿姨要求的。  我的老天， 媽媽一直說胡盈阿姨不喜歡媽媽不和別人一起慶祝生日。  我們都沒有料到他會做這樣的要求。  也是柔柔年紀小， Roger 和 Becca 很孝順， 胡熒阿姨一家對別人的禮貌是沒話說的， 而這樣尊重媽媽的信仰， 我無法用言詞來形容了。  當然，舅舅和舅媽鐵定知道是怎麼回事， Leo 夫婦倆可能不知道為什麼。  之後， 大家開始唱歌慶生， 一開始唱的是 Happy Everyday to you...  中英文夾雜， 後來大概變成了生日快樂。  滿好玩的。  

回家和媽媽說了，也和小瑋說了，小瑋也直說哇賽。。。  

記錄下來， 實在是希望不要忘記。  

One of this year's event

 Dwight traveled from Texas to New England in the mid of May.  He arrived at Vermont, his friend's wedding to perform his harp.  I remember  he arrived at Uncle's in the early June.   My mom and I went to uncle's house to meet him.  Everyone wants to try his tent on top of his Rav4.  We then proceeded to uncle's house.  The rest of night, he performed his harp piece for all of us.  And I suggested we sing together for Dwight also have a guitar.  I recorded a video.  It was quite fun.  Even Aunt May chimed in, and I feel she did enjoy some singing.  

I suggested to my sis that she and her husband can come and sing Karaoke with Dwight, I could also invite uncles.  It was a very hard week for them.  One of my mom's oldest friend from USA passed away suddenly just a couple days ago.  Her son was the only survivor.  And she's such an important person in  the Chinese congregation.  My sis did not broke the news to my mom, since my mom does not belong to the Chinese congregation.  She's afraid it's a shock for my mom.  I agreed, since  I saw how impactful was the other sister's passing for my mom.  My sis and her husband, along with their Chinese congregation coordinated their effort taking turns to be with Betty's son, sitting in the hospital, driving him to do errands, giving out suggestion, providing food.  For example, my sis told us there're days they spend over at hospital for more than 4 hours.  And to the end, some patients and nurses were amazed and can't stop wondering who this woman is.  

Though it was a difficult week for my sis and her husband.  She agreed the Karaoke since Dwight did express a want to meet my sis.  My uncle did not want to come at first when he knew we intend to sing.  But for the reason I did not remember, they eventually said yes.  Uncles and my sis brought some food, I bought Costco rotisserie Chicken and potato chips and salad.  I got some cheese and ham for cold dish.  The night was quite interesting, even my mom sang a song.  And aunt May sing a couple.  Then Dwight sang a few.  

After staying at uncle's for 10 days, Dwight left for New York.  And from my aunt PL, we knew she went to Philly afterwards.   During Dwight's 10 day stays, I watched the last game of NBA eastern conference championship.  It was disappointing game.  We also played some basketball.  He's getting quite good.  He played a lot as he told me.  And he is not shy from playing other people.  During those 10 days, I think they went to eat quite often.  Uncle picked up all the tabs.  We also had ramen, a new shop just opened up in Andover this year.  

Then on 7/4/2023, Dwight came back from his Philly trip.  This time, he stayed at our place.  But he fell sick.  Then my mom fell sick, she was very tired from her three day convention with my sis.  All the elements mixed up at the same time.  I was irritated and agitated.  Both of them lost appetite.  Now I can understand why mothers in the world will not be happy if their kids did not finish their plates.  Because there's not much else a human being can do under the stress.   Though I suspect our food made Dwight even less appetizing.  I appreciate that Dwight was mild enough to hear me vent, even when I told him if he felt better, he should leave.  I was annoyed that he's feeling under weather but kept saying he's fine.  I was lucky enough that he has a brain and rational enough.  And the weather did not help at all, that week was the hottest week, the whole 7 days.  Our lack of air conditioning really exacerbate the situation also.  

Dwight arrived on Sunday night, he left the next Saturday.  I knew he's feeling better, still a bit weak though.  He scheduled his camping site, made contact with his friend at Concord, MA and upstate New York.  Then he left.  I met him at Walden Pond the next day.  He wanted to read Walden Pond at Walden Pond.  It feels like a bucket list thing to do.   Walden Pond parking was not kind to the out of state people, it's $30.  After we went to market place for all day breakfast, then we part ways.  

It was an experience.  For him, and for us.  For me and my mom, we lived like a hobbit, never travel except necessary.  Very seldom dining out, only necessary, or for my case, long for certain food.  

I just want to write down so I won't forget what has passed.  

優七區

 今年金磚隊戰勝的隊伍裡， 在西部賽事中， 灰狼隊有兩個七吋以上的中鋒， 太陽隊有個七吋的中鋒和一個六尺十一吋的前鋒， 湖人有一個以防守著名的大前鋒/中鋒， 唯一沒有很高中鋒的只有熱火隊，但是熱浪的中鋒雖然只有六尺九吋， 但也是以防守著名。  

如果有人說， 只是因為優七區沒有遇到像他一樣高大的敵手， 這是個錯誤的印象。  

詩鈔

 Dulce et Decorum Est

by Wilfred Owen

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,

Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,

Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs,

And towards our distant rest began to trudge.

Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,

But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;

Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots

Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!—An ecstasy of fumbling

Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,

But someone still was yelling out and stumbling

And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime.—

Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,

As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight,

He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace

Behind the wagon that we flung him in,

And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,

His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;

If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood

Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,

Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud

Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,—

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest

To children ardent for some desperate glory,

The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est

Pro patria mori.

Notes:

Latin phrase is from the Roman poet Horace: “It is sweet and fitting to die for one’s country.”

N/a

Source: Poems (Viking Press, 1921)

(source: Poetryfoundation.rog)

一個英國士兵在一戰時寫給母親的信上， 寫下了這首詩。  時間大概是一九一七年。  他看到他的戰友因為來不及戴上防毒面具後的悲慘情景。  

一戰後，歐洲很多皇室都垮了。  當時有些人認為一戰的興起都是因為這些國王的之間私仇，導致一次世界大戰。  但是， 到了第二次世界大戰呢？  民主後的國家，再次造成大戰。  這似乎不是民主或不民主的問題，也不是專制和民主的對抗。  而是像老鼠生得太多後，就會自相殘殺？    我記得我看過一個十九世紀末的文章，文章裡提到當時的歐洲國家都在計算自身的人口，作為廟算的權衡。  

Dulce et decorum est

Pro patria mori.

是一戰前很有名的一句詩，是一句古代羅馬詩人 Horace 的詩， 意思是為國家而死是甜蜜而且適當的。  詩人在一九一七年寫這封信的對象是母親，但是這首詩實在是回應戰前一批鼓勵國人上戰場的一群人裡的一位女詩人。  

我現在看到一戰的情景正在上映。  烏森不斷說中共要打台灣， 而俄烏戰爭也已開打。  烏森從 08 年前後就已經展開他對中共的包圍。  這個包圍到現在已經很緊緊了。  另外， 中共在 2000年只以幾十艘戰船。  現在有三百五十艘以上。  這個情況也讓我替台灣捏一把冷汗。  無論是兩岸哪一個領導人， 請看看敘利亞，看看烏克蘭。  和平共存救中國。  永遠不要忘記 季梁的諫語。  

回台紀錄

 我想大概是 民國一百年還是九九，或九八年， 和我母親回台灣。  外公也從大陸回台。

星期一： 媽看病，下午桃園機場接外公， 外公與媽和任公公任婆婆在永康街高紀吃飯。  我和明秀阿姨吃飯拿藥。 

星期二： 去張華權公公家， 去郵局， 去台灣銀行， 去吃飯， 毛婆婆家， 第一銀行， 菸酒更賣局， 南門市場樓上戶政事務所， 隆記。

星期三： 蔡公公，蔡婆婆 Ikari 喝茶喝咖啡， 並吃午飯， 合作金庫中崙分行， 晚飯吃鰻魚丼(添財)

星期四： 大安區公所， BEA 證劵市， 新店上海商業， 王麗請客。  

星期五： 合作金庫中崙， 南昌街里長， 中飯天然臺，旅館， 新店拿藥罐， 晚餐銀翼

星期六： 自由活動， 找西瓜， 洗衣店洗衣服， 添財烤香魚

書鈔 。一點點感想

 From book, What are you going through by SigridNunez

"Everything that a writer writes could just as easily have been different - but not until it's been written.  As a life could have been different, but not until it's been lived.  "

--- The Condition of Secrecy, by Inger Christensen, Trans. Susanna Nied

剛看完這本書。  很喜歡上面的句子，所以抄錄下來。  

這本書和作者上本書的風格很類似。  都像是在和讀者聊天。  很容易閱讀。  但我仍在書裡幾個地方迷路。  不確定發生了甚麼事。  畢竟， 我不是一個文學的讀者。  我看完後，有點不確定自己到底是什麼感覺。  和上一本不同， 那本給我的衝擊是很大的， 之後的感覺依然是很強烈的。  強烈到， 我現在又去讀了本同一個作者寫的書。  混沌的感覺似乎是說明這本書沒有上一本好。  雖說我的感覺有點混沌， 但是也有好處， 書不長。  即使不喜歡，也無所謂，因為不佔太多時間。 

不過我覺得我需要醞釀一下， 因為雖是小說， 裡面的故事不少，有主軸，也有許多軼聞。  這次還是以自殺為主軸，以家庭人生環繞其外。  另外， 和上一本一樣， 有許多讓我發笑的地方。  這種笑，我還滿喜歡的。  每個人都有荒謬的想法， 作者寫出來的態度是自然的。  並不是特意要寫一個笑話。  最後， 雖說是小說，裡面所提到的故事都很真實，我感覺都真的是作者旁邊曾發生的事情和認識的人。  我覺得每本書都像是 pulled everything from her own bosom.  

這本書也提到文學的目的。  書裡提到一位作者 (WilliamFaulkner) 在諾貝爾獎的一個演說：「現代很多作者寫的書都是寫給內分泌的， 可是真正的文學應該是為了心而寫。」  (He writes not of the heart but of the glands.)  書裡的的最後三句話中間的一句也來自 Faulkner 同一個演講稿：

"I have tried.

Love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice ---

What does it matter if I failed."

我實在不能說我讀懂了這本書， 因為他裡面提到的人事物， 有很多我都不知道。  也許這就是我感覺渾沌的原因。  但就像他上一本書一樣， 裡面也有很多我不知道的人事物。  可是 the friend 給我的震撼始終都在。  剛看完時的震撼多半有不少內分泌的成分， 但是現在又去找他的書看， 是否也有心靈上的原因？ 

小龍蝦電影 觀後感

 和書比起來，我覺得電影比較好。  電影其實是緊緊跟著原著走。  而且, 畢竟是電影，有不少地方還是書比較仔細。  那為什麼我覺得電影比較好呢？  

我不熟悉小說裡的場景，電影裡可以看到。  我很喜歡。  小說裡，我最喜歡的地方就是有關自然的地方。  原著的作者自身一定也是對自然很有感情的人， 在電影， 我覺得他們也滿用力拍攝的。  我覺得雖然還可以在自然環境上做更多的著墨， 但實際的情況已經是不錯了。  

人物的著墨在電影裡也都呈現出來，尤其是我喜歡的地方， 雜貨店夫婦， 男朋友父子間的感情。  即使是那個律師，我也很喜歡。  另外，我覺得電影裡的第一段的戀情，也讓我更有感覺。  我只是希望， 他們可以用書裡的年紀，電影大概為了觀眾， 把第一段的戀情年紀調高了。  

他們選的演員我也喜歡。  至少在我眼裡，都不是我熟悉的演員。  大概都是新生代， 但我還是覺得還蠻符合各自的角色。  

算是一個中規中矩的電影。  我覺得還可以，至少不感覺浪費時間。  而且有實際的人性經驗。  

The trees and plants I saw today

 I don't know their names.  

There's a bush by the road between me and my neighbor.  It is blooming crazy.  I think it was the day before yesterday, I noticed there're tons of bees flying around the bush, honey bees, bumble bees and other bees and flies.  

But when I stepped out after dinner, around 630pm today, the bush was swarmed by crazy flies, or wild bees, not honey bees or bumble bees, just something.  They were flying crazy.  However, strange as is, stranger is that they just fly around the bush, nothing on the blooming flowers!!  You can hear the buzzing, but no fly or wild bees stepped on the flower and suck the honey??  And why is there no honey bees or bumble bees?   There are a lot of honey and bumble bees when my crap apple tree was flowering just a week ago...  

Then I noticed something horrible.  There're a lot of aphids on the bush!!  But the bush would look withered when there're lots of aphids!  The bush looked great.  The only thing I could think of is that aphids just found the bush?  So weird...  And is it the reason why flies and bees do not want to land on the flowers??  

-------------------------------------------------

I was walking around, I never noticed so many trees dying.  I mean it's quite deep into the spring time.  Maybe I just started notice the dying and dead tree in spring time?  So many of them are dying or dead.  Pine trees are particularly noticeable.  Some trees grow leaves, but I can see the thinning of leaves on the branches.  And for some reason, also noted by my mother in the past months, some new leaves looked yellow, not the usual spring young yellow, but almost fall like.  

It's a very scary sight...  

--------------------------------------------------

上個月的某一個晚上

 上個月的某一個晚上，那時天暗的早。  我上樓時屋子已全黑了， 照慣例， 我只打開了桌上的一盞燈， 然後坐在桌前看電腦。  突然聽到窗外有 嗚嗚聲傳來。  我感覺有一種熟習的感覺。  心裡一閃， 趕忙把筆電蓋上， 但是已經來不及。   我抬頭看窗外的時候， 有一個巨大的影子飛過窗外！  天哪， 是一隻鴞！！    我心裡的興奮是不能言喻的。  記得去年底才跟自己說， 看過一些書裡提到麻州也有鴞，但是自己從來沒看過！  這次居然能在自家後院聽到，還看到飛翔的影子!

  真是太高興了。  

Random

 I am tired.  No, scrap that.  I am still standing on the same spot for the last 20 years.  

But no man can stand at one place forever.  People around me are changing, and so do I.  Standing on the same spot is true, but like at a spot on a conveyor belt.  

I am sad.  That's a given.  

I am alone.  I hope it's an illusion.  

I am trying to write something.  It seems I have nothing to say.  But I know there's a lot of noise, that I am carefully selecting which one to come out.  Even only I read this, I am still very cautious.  

I used to read somewhere that boring people keeps his eyes on news.  I am like that now.  It's either news, weather, yT, fB, or IG, NBAor P.  I used to frequent a lot of video game content, but since I learned it cost considerable electricity, I stopped it, along with all VG content.  Now if I got nothing to do, I frequent news.  But alas, there's no news.  Just rehashed, dramatized repetition.  

I have a place to play PPingpong now.  Every thursday at seniorcenter.  It's the only regular exercise I do these days.  

When I was at Mascon, I was impressed that Vic did a lot of project of his own after work.  And I told my mom about this.  then I said, how come they all have their things to do but not me.  after all these years, I learned that the problem is myself.  When I am alone, no work, no plan, I would immediately get anxious.  So I will grab anything to fill the void.  First, it's books, then it's movies.  There was video games.  but like my mom said, all those activities do not make me grow.  For I did not learn anything from reading books.  I did not do, and still do not.  My excuse is always this: I need a concrete plan before I act.  But through these years of many jobs, I learned one thing, a lot of business are merely trials and errors, and grit and grind it for a long time, and luck not to fail the first year.  Although I still say, a plan is still needed.  But without taking the first step, I can't even plan.  

My mother kept telling me her own experience after my father past away almost 30 years ago.  She said she suddenly felt utterly alone.  And she's still alone nowadays.  I know I am scared, but I keep wondering if I am really depressed.  Yeah, I am still trying to find excuses.  I said she's alone, because I am far away from doing what I am supposed to do.  I now know that both my mom and my sister look at things far better and clearer than I am.  I thought if I could hold on a job, I am not disabled.  But I have to agree with them now, I am disabled.  

I am feeling very inadequate, frustrated, dejected, depressed, and anger is building up.  My mom does not need me to take care of her, maybe now a little.  but that's really is due to her deterioration through years of not enough social contact, which she really craves.  And I, I now realize, more than half of the time is depressed.  I don't contact people, when I do, it's not working.  How do I know I am depressed?  Half of my waking hours are used to watch funny clips of past shows.  All of them are comedy.  I can immediately tell you it's a sign of depression, plus no social contact.  Nada, zip.  I was working whole day today.  and yet, I talk to people no more than 10 sentences.  When I got home, I went for a walk, back to have dinner, then lying on bed watch funny clips.  My mom was alone down stairs.  Later, right before her bed time, she came up so I said let's go watch some yT downstairs.  We did not watch much.  There's nothing on it interesting.  

When I was younger, my mom led my sis and I through a lot of activities.  She talked to me when I was frustrated, when I was frustrated, I don't talk.  She tried to lead.  Even now, she still try.  But I came out empty.  I am at a spot on a conveyor belt, and so was my brain. 

擺上來等著哪天看看(在巨流河裡聽到的)

〈魚〉（上） ╱ 黃春明

　　　「阿公，你叫我回來時帶一條魚，我帶回來了，是一條鰹仔魚哪！」阿蒼蹬著一部破舊的腳踏車，一出小鎮，禁不住滿懷的歡喜，竟自言自語地叫起來。

　　二十八吋的大車子，本來就不是像阿蒼這樣的小孩騎的。開始時，他曾想把右腿跨過三角架來騎。但是，他總覺得他不應該再這樣騎車子。他想他已經不小了。

　　阿蒼騎在車上，屁股不得不左右滑上滑下。包在野芋葉裏的熟鰹仔，掛在車把上，跟著車身搖晃得相當厲害。阿蒼知道，這條鏗仔魚帶回山上，祖父和弟弟妹妹將是多麼高興。同時他們知道他學會了騎車子，也一定驚奇。再說，騎車子回到埤頭的山腳，來回又可以省下十二塊的車錢。這就是阿蒼苦苦地求木匠，把擱在庫間不用的破車，借他回家的原因。

　　沿路，什麼都不在阿蒼的腦裏，連破車子各部份所發出來的交響也一樣。他祇是一味地想盡快把魚帶給祖父。他想一見到祖父，他將魚提得高高地說。「怎麼樣？我的記憶不壞吧。我帶一條魚回來了！」

　　 　「阿蒼，下次回家來的時候，最好能帶一條魚回來。住在山上想吃海魚真不便，帶大一點的魚更好。」

　　「下次回來，那不知道要在什麼時候？」

　　他們默默地繞過那條彎路。

　　「你到哪裏？」

　　「沒有啊。我送你到山腳。」

　　「不用啦。我自己會小心。下次回來，我一定帶一條魚。」

　　「那最好。不過沒有也就算了。有時候遇到壞天氣，討海人不出海，你有錢也沒魚吃。」

　　「希望不會遇到壞天氣。」

　　阿蒼不在意地眼望著山坡。他看到羊群在相思林裏吃草。

　　「我們的羊怎麼樣？」

　　「喔！我們的羊真好。」

　　「我想我們多養幾隻羊，以後換一套木匠的工具。」阿蒼隨手在路邊抽了一根菅。

　　「小心你的手。菅是會割傷手的。」老人忙著轉過話來：「你要木匠的工具了？」

　　「哼！」小孩子說：「我不但會釘桌子。櫥子、門扇、眼床、木箱我都釘過。」

　　老人愉快地說：

　　「好！我多養幾隻羊讓你換一套工具。」

　　「什麼時候？」

　　「不要急。阿公馬上就做。我用兩隻公羊去和山腳他們換一隻母羊，就可以開始了。」

　　「要快一點。我快做木匠啦！」

　　「所以啊！」老人愛憐地說：「目前什麼苦你都得忍耐。知道嗎？」

　　過了相思林，他們都看到遠處的埤頭停車牌子。他們沉默下來了。當他們真正踏到平地時，老人說：

　　「吃得飽嗎？」

　　「─────」

　　「他們打你嗎？」

　　「─────」

　　「怎麼了？不說話？」

　　小孩子低著頭飲泣著。

　　「不要哭了。要做木匠的人還哭什麼？」

　　小孩子搖搖頭，用手把眼淚揮掉，「我沒哭。」但是他還是不敢把頭抬起來。

　　「阿公，你回去啦。」

　　「好！我就回去，我站在這裏休息一下。你快點到車牌那裏等車。」

　　小孩走了幾步，被老人喊住了。

　　「你過來一下。」老人自己也走近小孩：「有一次阿公擔了幾十斤山芋到街上賣了錢。我就到市場想買一條魚給你們吃。車子來了沒有？」

　　「還沒。」

　　「車子來了你就告訴我。你知道，魚是比一般的菜都貴的。那一天。我在賣魚的攤位前，不知道繞了幾十趟，後來那些賣魚的魚販也懶得再招呼我了。但是，我還是轉來轉去，拿不定主意。你知道我為什麼？」

　　「想偷一條。」

　　「胡說！」老人把腰挺起來：「那才不應該。這種事千萬做不得。我死也寧可餓死！」他又彎下腰對小孩說：「因為魚很貴，並且賣魚的魚販子，不是搶人的秤頭。就是加斤加兩的。阿公又不懂得算，才問他他魚一斤多少錢，他們一手就抓起魚用很粗很溼的鹹草穿起來秤。你要注意車子喔！來了就告訴我。」

　　「還沒有來。」

　　「所以我不斷繞魚攤，一方面看魚，一方面看哪一個魚販的臉老實。最後我在一個賣鰹仔魚的攤位前停下來，向那個賣魚的女魚販子挑了一條鏗仔魚。我還一而再、再而三地說，要她秤得夠，千萬不要欺騙老人。她還口口聲聲叫我放心，結果買了一條三斤重的鰹仔魚，回到家一秤，竟相差一斤半！」老人的眉頭皺得很深：

　　「一擔山芋的錢，才差不多是一條三斤重的鰹仔魚的錢‥‥‥。」

　　「車子來啦！我聽到車子的聲音。」

　　因為把腰哈得太久，老人好不容易才把腰挺直起來，跟著小孩向路的一端望車子。

　　「只聽到聲音，那沒關係。」

　　「說不定是林場的車子。」小孩興奮地說。

　　「那更好。不就可以搭便車了嗎？」停了一下。「等一等，我說到哪裏了？」

　　「你說一擔山芋的錢，差不多是一條三斤重的鰹仔魚的錢。」

　　「你都聽進去了？」

　　小孩點點頭。

　　「那簡直是搶了我一擔的山芋，害得我回來心痛好幾天。說老實話，我一直到現在還不敢走進市場的魚攤哪！」老人長長地嘆了一口氣。「唉！山上的人想吃海魚真不便‥‥‥」

　　「車來了。

　　老人瞇著眼望著。

　　「在那裡，灰塵揚得很高的地方。」

　　「大概是車子來了。好吧，你快點過去。阿公不再送你了。我就站在這裡休息一下。」

　　「我走了。」

　　「阿蒼，不要忘了‥‥‥。」

　　「帶一條魚回來。」小孩接下去說。

　　老人和小孩都笑了。

〈魚〉（下） ╱ 黃春明

　　「阿公，我沒忘記。我帶條魚回來了。是一條鏗仔魚哪！」阿蒼一再地把一種類似勝利的喜悅，在心裏頭反覆地自言自語。一路上，他想像到弟弟和妹妹見了鏗仔魚時的大眼睛，還想像到老人伸手夾魚的筷子尖的顫抖。「阿公，再過兩個月我就是木匠啦！」。

　　卡啦！「該死的鏈子。」阿蒼又跳下車子，把脫落的鏈子安在齒輪上，再用手搖一隻踏板，鏈子又上軌了。從沿途不停地掉鏈子的經驗，阿蒼知道不能踏得太快，但是他總是忘記。當阿蒼拍拍油污和鐵銹的手，想上車的時候，他突然發現魚掉了。掛在把軸上的，只剩下空空的野芋葉子。阿蒼急忙地返頭，在兩公里外的路上，終於發現被卡車輾壓在泥地上的一張糊了的魚的圖案。

　　懊喪的阿蒼，被這偶發事件，折磨了兩個多小時，他已不想再哭了。回到山上，遠遠就看到祖父蹲在門口，用竹青編竹具。他沒有勇氣喊阿公了。他悄悄地走近老人。老人猛一抬頭：「呀！你什麼時候回來的？」

　　「剛剛到。」說著就走進屋子裏面。

　　老人放下手上的東西，想跟到裏面。但是從他想站起來到他伸直腰，還有一段夠他說幾句話的時間。

　　「阿蒼，你回來時在山邊看到我們的羊沒有？」老人沒聽到他的回答。「就在茅草那裏，你弟弟和妹妹都在那裏看羊。我替你辦到了，你就快要有一套木匠的工具啦！」。

　　阿蒼在裏面聽了這話，反而心裏更覺得難過。

　　「阿蒼，你聽到了我講什麼嗎？」他一面說，一面走了進去。他還是沒聽到阿蒼的回答。「你到底怎麼了？像新娘子一樣，一進門就躲在裏面。」他到臥房，到工具間，再轉進廚房才看到阿蒼把整個頭都埋在水瓢裏咕嚕咕嚕地喝水。

　　「噢！在這裏。帶魚回來了沒有？」

　　阿蒼還在喝水。

　　「我幾天天氣不好，市場上不會有魚的。」老人明知道這幾天的天氣很好。「不能以我們這裏的天氣為憑準。海上的天氣最多變了。」

　　阿蒼故意把臉弄溼。他想，這樣子祖父就不知道他哭了。他把溼溼的臉抬起來說。

　　「有魚的！」

　　「魚呢？」

　　「我買回來了。是一條鰹仔魚。」

　　「在那裏？」老人眼睛搜索著廚房四周。

　　「掉了！」

　　「掉了？」

　　「掉了！」阿蒼不敢看老人的臉，又把頭埋在水瓢裏。他實在不想再喝水了，一點也不。

　　「這‥‥‥這怎麼可能呢？」老人覺得太可惜了。

　　以前買鰹仔魚被搶了秤頭的那陣疼痛又發作起來。

　　但是阿蒼沒了解老人的意思。他馬上辯解著說：「真的！我沒有騙你。我掛在腳踏車上掉的。」

　　「腳踏車？」

　　「是的，我會騎腳踏車了！」阿蒼等著看老人家為他高興。

　　「車呢？」

　　「寄在山腳店仔。」

　　「掛在車上掉的？」老人一個字一個字說得很慢很清楚。

　　阿蒼完全失望了。

　　「我真的買了一條鰹仔魚回來，它掉在路上被卡車壓糊了。」

　　「那不是等於沒買回來？」

　　「不！我買回來了！」很大聲地說。

　　「是！買回來了。但是掉了對不對？」

　　阿蒼很不高興祖父變得那麼不在乎的樣子。

　　「我真的買回來了。」小孩變得很氣惱。

　　「我已經知道你買回來了。」

　　「我沒有騙你！我絕對沒騙你！我發誓。」阿蒼哭了。

　　「我知道你沒有騙阿公，你向來不騙阿公的。只是魚掉在路上。」他安慰著。

　　「不！你不知道。你以為我在騙你‥‥‥。」阿蒼抽噎著。

　　「以後買回來不就好了嗎？」

　　「今天我已經買回來了！」

　　「我相信你今天買魚回來了，你還哭什麼？真傻。」

　　「但是我沒拿魚回來‥‥‥」。

　　「魚掉了。被卡車壓糊了，對不對？」

　　「不！你不知道，你不知道。你以為我在騙你‥‥‥。」

　　「阿公完全相信你的話。」

　　「我不相信。」

　　「那麼你到底要我怎麼說？」老人實在煩不過了，他無可奈何地攤開手。

　　「我不要你相信，我不要你相信‥‥。」阿蒼一邊嚷，一邊把拿在手裏的葫蘆水瓢摜在地上，像小牛一般地哭起來。

　　老人被他這樣子纏得一時發了無名火，隨手在門後抓到挑水的扁擔，一棒就打了過去。阿蒼的肩膀著實地挨了一記，趕快奪門跑了出去，老人緊跟在後追。

　　阿蒼跑過茶園，老人跟著跑過茶園。阿蒼跑到刺竹叢那裏，急忙地往五六尺深的坎，跳到回家來的山路上。老人跟到刺竹坎上停下來了。阿蒼回頭看到老人停下來，他也停下來。他們之間已經接了一段很遠的距離。

　　老人一手握著扁擔，一手搭在竹上，喘著氣大聲地叫。

　　「你不要再踏進門。我一棒就打死你！」

　　阿蒼馬上嘶著嗓門接著喊了過來：

　　「我真的買魚回來了。」

　　傍晚，山間很靜。這時，老人和小孩瞬間裏都怔了一怔。因為他們都同時很清楚地聽到山谷那邊回音說：

　　「──真的買魚回來了。」

random

 Random.  

Afterthoughts

my process  of searching for  jobs:

go to email, then explore indeed, No, i am not qualified.  No, I am no qualified.  No I don't want to do that.  Ummm...I need to write a cover letter?  Okay, next time then.  

or, maybe I should go to school...  

--------------

everythingeverywhereallatonce

 Saw the movie, in 2 separate occasions.   I could not finished it the first time.  After I heard ML said its her favorite film which I guessed when I saw the movie the first time, I went and borrowed it from library.  I thought maybe when I watched the second time, it would be better.  Not really that much better...  

So now, I ask myself. why does it not appeal to me.  One of the most unappealing thing is I've already guessed the ending after 1/3 way.  And after I borrowed the movie the second go around, I was quite upset.  Why do I get upset about knowing the ending?  I liked King Kong w/ Naomi in it which I knew the ending.  

Let's get a few things out of the way.  I feel the movie is really funny at time.  That comical side really came from how weird the whole setup is.  It has a rawness that similar to many Asian movies.  Where the concept of taboo became unhinged.  And you can pretty much see fusion of styles, cultures, thoughts blended together, doesn't matter if it's seamlessly tailored.  It's a bravado display.  That wackiness is the source of the comedy.  And the action.  It was a very good blend of fighting and special effect.  Make the comedy come alive even more.  

I feel the movie is incredible in portraying an Asian family in US.  Incredible in a way that I feel somehow familiar, not because I experienced it.  But through many stories that I heard.  Maybe it's cliché, but the performance of MY and KHQ is so good.  I agree with theOscar.  when I saw KHQ's character's first transformation, I was immediately impressed!  For MY, my impression of her is always an action star.  Her acting in Crouching T and Hidden D was eye opening.  But here, I am very impressed.  

Additionally, I think the movie must've made under a cheap budget.  And I believe it's an incredible editing work that to propel the multiverse concept.  I am really amazed of how it worked out.  Just to think you can blend hot dog sex, raccoon chef, movie star, laundry owner, and a bagel together to make a multiverse, you have to appreciate the work they put into making this movie.  

 But for all these elements, I still don't like the movie.  I think it's must be because I don't like the ending.  A lesbian or gay Asian theme is so very much cliché.  The everything all worked out fine, another Asian cliché.  A parents and their descendants all understanding and love each other is another one.  It's just that there's a lot of noises and pictures, a great commotions, but the ending is just that.  I've always put a moved in my favorite list by the feeling it lingered afterwards.  I feel like I kept feeling cliché flattens my feeling for the movie.   

這頭好豬豬

 我昨天看完 The good good pig， 作者 SyMontgomery.   

最近剛看完幾本都是有關動物的書，不知怎地又想到 Sy 的書。  他的文筆十分流暢，很容易讀。  我用讀書館的 App，所以一下子借了三本他的書。   

我很喜歡這本書。  這是一本回憶錄。  不僅僅是回憶這頭叫做 Christopher Hogwood 的豬，也是作者對於自身的回憶。  他甚至對自己的父母，家族，丈夫，朋友都做了許多詳實的描述。  回顧我之前看了 HisforHawk 和 BookofEEL，我發現這本書也有異曲同工之處。  就是借了作者描寫深深眷戀的豬，他同一時間裡還抒發了自己對父母的的愛。  因為就在他開始養豬到這隻豬死去前不久，整個十四年的歲月裡， 他的父母也雙雙過世。  我之前看過這兩本作者的書， 這是我看過他發表最多個人生活和感想的書。  這本書有時候甚至偏鋒轉至他個人的感想和他的父母身上，久久不能離去。  他的友朋和鄰居更是在書裡搶了很多版面， 因為那在他來說也是他的家人。  這些並不阻礙他對這隻豬的感情的流露。  

這隻豬並不會甚麼特技，跳鋼圈走鋼索甚麼的。  但是，作者在描述的是一頭個性溫順，有點聰明懂事，有時善解人意，有時自有主張。  這隻豬活了十四年， 期間他幾乎可說是這個鎮餵飽了他一樣。  一方面作者和鎮上很多很多人是好朋友，另一方面，這隻豬太聰明，會偷偷到鎮上走走，他又不會傷人，很友善。  於是乎，整個鎮上的人都知道他， 大家也都把廚餘，甚至自己的食物留下來，集中起來，英文叫做 Slop， 存好後交給作者去餵豬。  這隻豬後來長到 750 英鎊。  作者自己也因為這隻豬和許多意想不到的人做了好朋友，他一輩子都沒有孩子， 但是因為小孩子喜歡這隻豬，而因此結識了許多小朋友。  他所描述的更多的是這隻豬的個性。  

我看到最後他的豬過世時，我是非常難過的。  非常非常難過的。  

A poem I saw today.

 When I Am Among the Trees

by Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,

especially the willows and the honey locust,

equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,

they give off such hints of gladness.

I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,

in which I have goodness, and discernment,

and never hurry through the world

but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves

and call out, “Stay awhile.”

The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,

“and you too have come

into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled

with light, and to shine.”