Saturday, April 03, 2021

Poems from Out of Africa

Rose-lipped maidens, light foot lads


(It's from A. E. Housman's Shropshire Lad:


With rue my heart is laden

For golden friends I had,

For many a rose-lipt maiden

And many a lightfoot lad.


By brooks too broad for leaping

The lightfoot boys are laid;

The rose-lipt girls are sleeping

In fields where roses fade.)

----------------------------

The Last monologue:

Mail has come today and a friend writes this to me:

The Masai have reported to the district commissioner of Ngong    

that many times at sunrise and sunset

they have seen lions on Finch Hatton's grave.

A lion and a lioness have come there

and stood, or lain on the grave for a long time.  

After you went away,

the ground around the grave was leveled out

into sort of a terrace.

I suppose the level place 

makes a good site for the lions.

From there they have a view over the plain,

and the cattle and game on it.

Denys will like that.

I must remember to tell him.  


-----------------------------------------------

Karen read the poem at the funeral:


To an Athlete dying young by AE Houseman
The time you won your town the race  
We chaired you through the market-place;  
Man and boy stood cheering by,  
And home we brought you shoulder-high.  
  
To-day, the road all runners come,    
Shoulder-high we bring you home,  
And set you at your threshold down,  
Townsman of a stiller town.  
  
Smart lad, to slip betimes away  
From fields where glory does not stay, 
And early though the laurel grows  
It withers quicker than the rose.  
  
Eyes the shady night has shut  
Cannot see the record cut,  
And silence sounds no worse than cheers 
After earth has stopped the ears:  
  
Now you will not swell the rout  
Of lads that wore their honours out,  
Runners whom renown outran  
And the name died before the man. 
  
So set, before its echoes fade,  
The fleet foot on the sill of shade,  
And hold to the low lintel up  
The still-defended challenge-cup.  
  
And round that early-laurelled head
Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead,  
And find unwithered on its curls  
The garland briefer than a girl’s.


Then Karen Continued:

Now take back the soul of Denys goerge finch hatton

whom you have shared with us 

he brought us joy and we loved him well

he was not ours

he was not mine.  


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laugh loud and long all the while his eyes went to and fro

ha ha says he, full flame the devil knows how to roll

farewell farewell but this i tell thee the wedding guest

he prayth well who loved well

both man the bird and the beast (not a complete rendition... the complete rendition was below in bold)

(The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772 - 1834)

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

The Bridegroom's doors are opened wide,
And I am next of kin;
The guests are met, the feast is set:
May'st hear the merry din.'

He holds him with his skinny hand,
'There was a ship,' quoth he.
'Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

He holds him with his glittering eye--
The Wedding-Guest stood still,
And listens like a three years' child:
The Mariner hath his will.

The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone:
He cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

'The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Merrily did we drop
Below the kirk, below the hill,
Below the lighthouse top.

The Sun came up upon the left,
Out of the sea came he!
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea.

Higher and higher every day,
Till over the mast at noon--'
The Wedding-Guest here beat his breast,
For he heard the loud bassoon.

The bride hath paced into the hall,
Red as a rose is she;
Nodding their heads before her goes
The merry minstrelsy.

The Wedding-Guest he beat his breast,
Yet he cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

And now the STORM-BLAST came, and he
Was tyrannous and strong:
He struck with his o'ertaking wings,
And chased us south along.

With sloping masts and dipping prow,
As who pursued with yell and blow
Still treads the shadow of his foe,
And forward bends his head,
The ship drove fast, loud roared the blast,
And southward aye we fled.

And now there came both mist and snow,
And it grew wondrous cold:
And ice, mast-high, came floating by,
As green as emerald.

And through the drifts the snowy clifts
Did send a dismal sheen:
Nor shapes of men nor beasts we ken--
The ice was all between.

The ice was here, the ice was there,
The ice was all around:
It cracked and growled, and roared and howled,
Like noises in a swound!

At length did cross an Albatross,
Thorough the fog it came;
As if it had been a Christian soul,
We hailed it in God's name.

It ate the food it ne'er had eat,
And round and round it flew.
The ice did split with a thunder-fit;
The helmsman steered us through!

And a good south wind sprung up behind;
The Albatross did follow,
And every day, for food or play,
Came to the mariner's hollo!

In mist or cloud, on mast or shroud,
It perched for vespers nine;
Whiles all the night, through fog-smoke white,
Glimmered the white Moon-shine.'

'God save thee, ancient Mariner!
From the fiends, that plague thee thus!--
Why look'st thou so?'--With my cross-bow
I shot the ALBATROSS.

PART II
The Sun now rose upon the right:
Out of the sea came he,
Still hid in mist, and on the left
Went down into the sea.

And the good south wind still blew behind,
But no sweet bird did follow,
Nor any day for food or play
Came to the mariner's hollo!

And I had done a hellish thing,
And it would work 'em woe:
For all averred, I had killed the bird
That made the breeze to blow.
Ah wretch! said they, the bird to slay,
That made the breeze to blow!

Nor dim nor red, like God's own head,
The glorious Sun uprist:

Then all averred, I had killed the bird
That brought the fog and mist.
'Twas right, said they, such birds to slay,
That bring the fog and mist.

The fair breeze blew, the white foam flew,
The furrow followed free;
We were the first that ever burst
Into that silent sea.

Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,
'Twas sad as sad could be;
And we did speak only to break
The silence of the sea!

All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody Sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the Moon.

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

The very deep did rot: O Christ!
That ever this should be!
Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea.

About, about, in reel and rout
The death-fires danced at night;
The water, like a witch's oils,
Burnt green, and blue and white.

And some in dreams assurèd were
Of the Spirit that plagued us so;
Nine fathom deep he had followed us
From the land of mist and snow.

And every tongue, through utter drought,
Was withered at the root;
We could not speak, no more than if
We had been choked with soot.

Ah! well a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

PART III
There passed a weary time. Each throat
Was parched, and glazed each eye.
A weary time! a weary time!
How glazed each weary eye,

When looking westward, I beheld
A something in the sky.

At first it seemed a little speck,
And then it seemed a mist;
It moved and moved, and took at last
A certain shape, I wist.

A speck, a mist, a shape, I wist!
And still it neared and neared:
As if it dodged a water-sprite,
It plunged and tacked and veered.

With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
We could nor laugh nor wail;
Through utter drought all dumb we stood!
I bit my arm, I sucked the blood,
And cried, A sail! a sail!

With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
Agape they heard me call:
Gramercy! they for joy did grin,
And all at once their breath drew in.
As they were drinking all.

See! see! (I cried) she tacks no more!
Hither to work us weal;
Without a breeze, without a tide,
She steadies with upright keel!

The western wave was all a-flame.
The day was well nigh done!
Almost upon the western wave
Rested the broad bright Sun;
When that strange shape drove suddenly
Betwixt us and the Sun.

And straight the Sun was flecked with bars,
(Heaven's Mother send us grace!)
As if through a dungeon-grate he peered
With broad and burning face.

Alas! (thought I, and my heart beat loud)
How fast she nears and nears!
Are those her sails that glance in the Sun,
Like restless gossameres?

Are those her ribs through which the Sun
Did peer, as through a grate?
And is that Woman all her crew?
Is that a DEATH? and are there two?
Is DEATH that woman's mate?

Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold:
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Night-mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold.

The naked hulk alongside came,
And the twain were casting dice;
'The game is done! I've won! I've won!'
Quoth she, and whistles thrice.

The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out;
At one stride comes the dark;
With far-heard whisper, o'er the sea,
Off shot the spectre-bark.

We listened and looked sideways up!
Fear at my heart, as at a cup,
My life-blood seemed to sip!
The stars were dim, and thick the night,
The steersman's face by his lamp gleamed white;
From the sails the dew did drip--
Till clomb above the eastern bar
The hornèd Moon, with one bright star
Within the nether tip.

One after one, by the star-dogged Moon,
Too quick for groan or sigh,
Each turned his face with a ghastly pang,
And cursed me with his eye.

Four times fifty living men,
(And I heard nor sigh nor groan)
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
They dropped down one by one.

The souls did from their bodies fly,--
They fled to bliss or woe!
And every soul, it passed me by,
Like the whizz of my cross-bow!

PART IV
'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!
I fear thy skinny hand!
And thou art long, and lank, and brown,
As is the ribbed sea-sand.

I fear thee and thy glittering eye,
And thy skinny hand, so brown.'--
Fear not, fear not, thou Wedding-Guest!
This body dropt not down.

Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.

The many men, so beautiful!
And they all dead did lie:
And a thousand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.

I looked upon the rotting sea,
And drew my eyes away;
I looked upon the rotting deck,
And there the dead men lay.

I looked to heaven, and tried to pray;
But or ever a prayer had gusht,
A wicked whisper came, and made
My heart as dry as dust.

I closed my lids, and kept them close,
And the balls like pulses beat;
For the sky and the sea, and the sea and the sky
Lay dead like a load on my weary eye,
And the dead were at my feet.

The cold sweat melted from their limbs,
Nor rot nor reek did they:
The look with which they looked on me
Had never passed away.

An orphan's curse would drag to hell
A spirit from on high;
But oh! more horrible than that
Is the curse in a dead man's eye!
Seven days, seven nights, I saw that curse,
And yet I could not die.

The moving Moon went up the sky,
And no where did abide:
Softly she was going up,
And a star or two beside--

Her beams bemocked the sultry main,
Like April hoar-frost spread;
But where the ship's huge shadow lay,
The charmèd water burnt alway
A still and awful red.

Beyond the shadow of the ship,
I watched the water-snakes:
They moved in tracks of shining white,
And when they reared, the elfish light
Fell off in hoary flakes.

Within the shadow of the ship
I watched their rich attire:
Blue, glossy green, and velvet black,
They coiled and swam; and every track
Was a flash of golden fire.

O happy living things! no tongue
Their beauty might declare:
A spring of love gushed from my heart,
And I blessèd them unaware:
Sure my kind saint took pity on me,
And I blessed them unaware.

The self-same moment I could pray;
And from my neck so free
The Albatross fell off, and sank
Like lead into the sea.

PART V
Oh sleep! it is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole!
To Mary Queen the praise be given!
She sent the gentle sleep from Heaven,
That slid into my soul.

The silly buckets on the deck,
That had so long remained,
I dreamt that they were filled with dew;
And when I awoke, it rained.

My lips were wet, my throat was cold,
My garments all were dank;
Sure I had drunken in my dreams,
And still my body drank.

I moved, and could not feel my limbs:
I was so light--almost
I thought that I had died in sleep,
And was a blessed ghost.

And soon I heard a roaring wind:
It did not come anear;
But with its sound it shook the sails,
That were so thin and sere.

The upper air burst into life!
And a hundred fire-flags sheen,
To and fro they were hurried about!
And to and fro, and in and out,
The wan stars danced between.

And the coming wind did roar more loud,
And the sails did sigh like sedge,
And the rain poured down from one black cloud;
The Moon was at its edge.

The thick black cloud was cleft, and still
The Moon was at its side:
Like waters shot from some high crag,
The lightning fell with never a jag,
A river steep and wide.

The loud wind never reached the ship,
Yet now the ship moved on!
Beneath the lightning and the Moon
The dead men gave a groan.

They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose,
Nor spake, nor moved their eyes;
It had been strange, even in a dream,
To have seen those dead men rise.

The helmsman steered, the ship moved on;
Yet never a breeze up-blew;
The mariners all 'gan work the ropes,
Where they were wont to do;
They raised their limbs like lifeless tools--
We were a ghastly crew.

The body of my brother's son
Stood by me, knee to knee:
The body and I pulled at one rope,
But he said nought to me.

'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!'
Be calm, thou Wedding-Guest!
'Twas not those souls that fled in pain,
Which to their corses came again,
But a troop of spirits blest:

For when it dawned--they dropped their arms,
And clustered round the mast;
Sweet sounds rose slowly through their mouths,
And from their bodies passed.

Around, around, flew each sweet sound,
Then darted to the Sun;
Slowly the sounds came back again,
Now mixed, now one by one.

Sometimes a-dropping from the sky
I heard the sky-lark sing;
Sometimes all little birds that are,
How they seemed to fill the sea and air
With their sweet jargoning!

And now 'twas like all instruments,
Now like a lonely flute;
And now it is an angel's song,
That makes the heavens be mute.

It ceased; yet still the sails made on
A pleasant noise till noon,
A noise like of a hidden brook
In the leafy month of June,
That to the sleeping woods all night
Singeth a quiet tune.

Till noon we quietly sailed on,
Yet never a breeze did breathe:
Slowly and smoothly went the ship,
Moved onward from beneath.

Under the keel nine fathom deep,
From the land of mist and snow,
The spirit slid: and it was he
That made the ship to go.
The sails at noon left off their tune,
And the ship stood still also.

The Sun, right up above the mast,
Had fixed her to the ocean:
But in a minute she 'gan stir,
With a short uneasy motion--
Backwards and forwards half her length
With a short uneasy motion.

Then like a pawing horse let go,
She made a sudden bound:
It flung the blood into my head,
And I fell down in a swound.
How long in that same fit I lay,
I have not to declare;
But ere my living life returned,
I heard and in my soul discerned
Two voices in the air.

'Is it he?' quoth one, 'Is this the man?
By him who died on cross,
With his cruel bow he laid full low
The harmless Albatross.

The spirit who bideth by himself
In the land of mist and snow,
He loved the bird that loved the man
Who shot him with his bow.'

The other was a softer voice,
As soft as honey-dew:
Quoth he, 'The man hath penance done,
And penance more will do.'

PART VI
'But tell me, tell me! speak again,
Thy soft response renewing--
What makes that ship drive on so fast?
What is the ocean doing?'

'Still as a slave before his lord,
The ocean hath no blast;
His great bright eye most silently
Up to the Moon is cast--

If he may know which way to go;
For she guides him smooth or grim.
See, brother, see! how graciously
She looketh down on him.'

'But why drives on that ship so fast,
Without or wave or wind?'

'The air is cut away before,
And closes from behind.

Fly, brother, fly! more high, more high!
Or we shall be belated:
For slow and slow that ship will go,
When the Mariner's trance is abated.'

I woke, and we were sailing on
As in a gentle weather:
'Twas night, calm night, the moon was high;
The dead men stood together.

All stood together on the deck,
For a charnel-dungeon fitter:
All fixed on me their stony eyes,
That in the Moon did glitter.

The pang, the curse, with which they died,
Had never passed away:
I could not draw my eyes from theirs,
Nor turn them up to pray.

And now this spell was snapt: once more
I viewed the ocean green,
And looked far forth, yet little saw
Of what had else been seen--

Like one, that on a lonesome road
Doth walk in fear and dread,
And having once turned round walks on,
And turns no more his head;
Because he knows, a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.

But soon there breathed a wind on me,
Nor sound nor motion made:
Its path was not upon the sea,
In ripple or in shade.

It raised my hair, it fanned my cheek
Like a meadow-gale of spring--
It mingled strangely with my fears,
Yet it felt like a welcoming.

Swiftly, swiftly flew the ship,
Yet she sailed softly too:
Sweetly, sweetly blew the breeze--
On me alone it blew.

Oh! dream of joy! is this indeed
The light-house top I see?
Is this the hill? is this the kirk?
Is this mine own countree?

We drifted o'er the harbour-bar,
And I with sobs did pray--
O let me be awake, my God!
Or let me sleep alway.

The harbour-bay was clear as glass,
So smoothly it was strewn!
And on the bay the moonlight lay,
And the shadow of the Moon.

The rock shone bright, the kirk no less,
That stands above the rock:
The moonlight steeped in silentness
The steady weathercock.

And the bay was white with silent light,
Till rising from the same,
Full many shapes, that shadows were,
In crimson colours came.

A little distance from the prow
Those crimson shadows were:
I turned my eyes upon the deck--
Oh, Christ! what saw I there!

Each corse lay flat, lifeless and flat,
And, by the holy rood!
A man all light, a seraph-man,
On every corse there stood.

This seraph-band, each waved his hand:
It was a heavenly sight!
They stood as signals to the land,
Each one a lovely light;

This seraph-band, each waved his hand,
No voice did they impart--
No voice; but oh! the silence sank
Like music on my heart.

But soon I heard the dash of oars,
I heard the Pilot's cheer;
My head was turned perforce away
And I saw a boat appear.

The Pilot and the Pilot's boy,
I heard them coming fast:
Dear Lord in Heaven! it was a joy
The dead men could not blast.

I saw a third--I heard his voice:
It is the Hermit good!
He singeth loud his godly hymns
That he makes in the wood.
He'll shrieve my soul, he'll wash away
The Albatross's blood.

PART VII
This Hermit good lives in that wood
Which slopes down to the sea.
How loudly his sweet voice he rears!
He loves to talk with marineres
That come from a far countree.

He kneels at morn, and noon, and eve--
He hath a cushion plump:
It is the moss that wholly hides
The rotted old oak-stump.

The skiff-boat neared: I heard them talk,
'Why, this is strange, I trow!
Where are those lights so many and fair,
That signal made but now?'

'Strange, by my faith!' the Hermit said--
'And they answered not our cheer!
The planks looked warped! and see those sails,
How thin they are and sere!
I never saw aught like to them,
Unless perchance it were

Brown skeletons of leaves that lag
My forest-brook along;
When the ivy-tod is heavy with snow,
And the owlet whoops to the wolf below,
That eats the she-wolf's young.'

'Dear Lord! it hath a fiendish look--
(The Pilot made reply)
I am a-feared'--'Push on, push on!'
Said the Hermit cheerily.

The boat came closer to the ship,
But I nor spake nor stirred;
The boat came close beneath the ship,
And straight a sound was heard.

Under the water it rumbled on,
Still louder and more dread:
It reached the ship, it split the bay;
The ship went down like lead.

Stunned by that loud and dreadful sound,
Which sky and ocean smote,
Like one that hath been seven days drowned
My body lay afloat;
But swift as dreams, myself I found
Within the Pilot's boat.

Upon the whirl, where sank the ship,
The boat spun round and round;
And all was still, save that the hill
Was telling of the sound.
I moved my lips--the Pilot shrieked
And fell down in a fit;
The holy Hermit raised his eyes,
And prayed where he did sit.

I took the oars: the Pilot's boy,
Who now doth crazy go,
Laughed loud and long, and all the while
His eyes went to and fro.
'Ha! ha!' quoth he, 'full plain I see,
The Devil knows how to row.'


And now, all in my own countree,
I stood on the firm land!
The Hermit stepped forth from the boat,
And scarcely he could stand.

'O shrieve me, shrieve me, holy man!'
The Hermit crossed his brow.
'Say quick,' quoth he, 'I bid thee say--
What manner of man art thou?'

Forthwith this frame of mine was wrenched
With a woful agony,
Which forced me to begin my tale;
And then it left me free.

Since then, at an uncertain hour,
That agony returns:
And till my ghastly tale is told,
This heart within me burns.

I pass, like night, from land to land;
I have strange power of speech;
That moment that his face I see,
I know the man that must hear me:
To him my tale I teach.

What loud uproar bursts from that door!
The wedding-guests are there:
But in the garden-bower the bride
And bride-maids singing are:
And hark the little vesper bell,
Which biddeth me to prayer!

O Wedding-Guest! this soul hath been
Alone on a wide wide sea:
So lonely 'twas, that God himself
Scarce seemed there to be.
O sweeter than the marriage-feast,
'Tis sweeter far to me,
To walk together to the kirk
With a goodly company!--

To walk together to the kirk,
And all together pray,
While each to his great Father bends,
Old men, and babes, and loving friends
And youths and maidens gay!

Farewell, farewell! but this I tell
To thee, thou Wedding-Guest!
He prayeth well, who loveth well
Both man and bird and beast.


He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

The Mariner, whose eye is bright,
Whose beard with age is hoar,
Is gone: and now the Wedding-Guest
Turned from the bridegroom's door.

He went like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.)






Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Player and the characters they play in a video game

I sometimes wonder the relationship between the player and the character he is playing in a video game.  Is it player exploring the game world by himself, or he's pretending to be the character he is playing?  There are many genres of video games.  RPG, Action, Adventure, Strategy...etc.  I am talking about mostly 3rd person games, which includes mostly RPG and Action.  

When I made a choice in a game, but the character in the game could not execute the command because he's not at certain level.  What psychological effect on the player?  Would he get frustrated?  Does he know why he could not ask the character to execute the action?  If he knew, but he still tried the action.  What kind of mind set is this?  

What if the character in the game was leveled enough to do the required action, but he flat out refused.  And then an inner dialogue start to argue inside the character's mind, what would that conversation be?  And how can the player participate in that conversation?  

When the player are moving along a storyline where the character was supposed to kill somebody, but he refused.  Or the character wanted to kick a chicken in a video game, but the player just did not want to.  What is the relationship between the character and the player?  The character still needs player to command actions to finish the story, the players still need the character to experience the game world.  

I used to envision a game where, the character and player were actually working together to solve a game.  They would argue, and fight, but eventually compromised to finish multi endings.  It's not a multiplayer game, but rather a sophisticated AI, who would argue with its human player, saying what he like to do, and what he doesn't like to do.  So, in way, arguing between player and character is a gameplay itself...  lol  

Random thoughts

我想稍微寫下一點我母親的故事。  這是我從他那裏聽到的。  

  • 我母親是家中的老二。  他有一個雙生妹妹,他們應該同是老二?  他從小就常常提起他們家裡的事。  但是有很多事情,到現在才稍微可以串起來,變成一個可以看的影片吧。  當然這樣說已經是很大膽了。  因為電影多是有情節故事的。  我想我從他那邊得到的片段能不能湊成故事還得看我有無這種能力了。  拍電影要很多計畫,愈要省錢的拍一部好片子,就要詳細充足的計畫和後勤。  和拍片不同,我已先有了一些片段,我目前只是要想辦法存留下片段才是。
  • 我母親的經歷應該是滿特別的。  不過那時代有特別經歷的人大概反而是多數吧。  他們家在民國卅八年時沒有離開大陸。  只有外公一人隻身在船上從海南島隨著招商局的船到了台灣。  聽說還是和孫立人將軍的部隊一起離開,可惜我的記憶也模糊了。  要再找人確定。
  • 母親口下的蘇州沒有太多東西。  我只知道他們的家除了外婆和四個孩子,還有公婆,也就是外公的爸爸媽媽住在一起。  媽媽對祖父的印象有幾個。  一個是他很兇,會給人在頭上來幾個毛栗子,那意思是你不乖的時候他會在你頭上用手指關節敲你。  另外,祖父很喜歡吃醬肉,但是,他們家沒有錢,因為他們家沒有人工作。  祖父要吃醬肉的時候就會跟外婆去要錢,他要不到就要發脾氣。  這時,外婆就會把自己結婚時帶來的手飾或著嫁妝拿去典當,給祖父買醬肉吃。  這就是我從母親聽到的有關他祖父的事情。  
  • 我母親的祖母呢,聽說是一個聾子。  自我母親口中聽到的就是,我母親小時候吃壞了食物,快死了。  後來呢還是活下來了。  但是有一陣子身體極其衰弱。  祖母在天井裡常常就跟著我母親,拿了個小凳子,看到我母親坐下來時,他就去扶著坐在凳子上。  我母親也提到說別人說祖母吃飯,吃完了下桌,別人一點也看不出來她吃了甚麼,桌上的菜好像沒動過似的。  祖母還有一隻貓,養在家裡,即使廳門打開也不會跑到哪兒去。 聽說院子裡也有不少雞,祖母會去餵養他們。  後來我聽大姨說起,他們祖母的媽媽是一個剛好完全相反的人,是一個霸氣自私的人,即使到了晚年還要大口吃岡山羊肉,而且活到很老。  母親的祖母則剛好相反,快五十歲了,在母親他們去台灣後不久,就聽大姨說癌症走了。  
  • 我現在覺得他們那時候住在潘家大院的應該還有母親的叔叔才對。  問過媽媽了,媽媽的叔叔當時在上海工作,只有假期會回家。  他們家還有一個卜孃孃(八姑姑)住在一起,是媽媽祖父的八姊。
  • 母親和他媽媽的關係我覺得很是複雜。  外公常說他們家到台灣的三個孩子都是外婆養大的。  這句話是誰說的,我也說不準了。  最大的可能性應該是到了美國後吧。  我會提到這句話,因為我覺得真的是這樣。  他們家姊弟四個,老大留在了大陸,而老大的生活習慣和母親蘭阿姨和舅舅真是太不一樣了。  這是想當然耳,因他們四個的經歷不同啊。  
  • 而老大口中的母親和我母親口中的母親也就有著截然的不同。  
  • 母親說他以前小時候在蘇州的事,提到外婆通常都是說外婆很喜歡大姨。  如果出去玩,一定會帶著大姨,或著舅舅。  我到了美國還曾聽過母親說自己和蘭阿姨是看門狗。  因為從很少被帶出去玩。  
  • 媽媽說他小時候有一個奇怪的想法,就是以為自己和蘭阿姨長大了以後會合併在一起。  因為他們是雙胞胎,但是真正的原因是,他說那時他們倆吃飯的時候都是合吃一份。  所以他當時以為一定是人家認為他倆是一個人。  他說直到他到了台灣後,遇見了外公,他和蘭阿姨吃飯才各有一份。  母親說他當時覺得很不適應,常常習慣夾自己的一分到別人碗中,外公看到了就要說。  母親在說這事的時候,我感到他有些快慰。  自己從小沒有爸爸,現在有了,而且會注意到自己有沒有一分應得的。  我想這是他很想外公的一個原因。  另外,母親提這事,也常常是說明自己常常沒有自己,總是叨念別人。  
  • 外婆到了台灣後一定過的不快樂。  因為我覺得很多媽媽提到他們在蘇州的事,有不少都是外婆到了台灣之後跟媽媽說的。 媽媽透露出來的都沒有太多歡喜的事。  
  • 母親也提過外婆的親妹妹嫁給了傅家。  那人是個國民黨軍官。  淪陷之後處境不是很好。  只好做起了早餐的生意,賣燒餅油條。  媽媽說那人常常要給母親他們免費的早餐,但是母親都拒絕了。  傅家的姨丈都很不高興。  我說為什麼不拿呢?  他說他就是不敢。  
  • 聽母親說,當時外公寄回家的錢並不很穩定,據外公自己說,他有一次在美國回航,可是他把錢藏在自己的床位,結果一大堆錢就不見了。  媽媽問,怎麼不用銀行呢? 外公說他不怎麼信任銀行。  
  • 媽媽在大陸上學到小學十二年級。  當時他們也有做過紅領軍。  他說他在大躍進的時候,還到處幫忙收集鐵的蓋子,或著各式的資源。  
  • 母親和蘭阿姨的生日是西曆的四月,但是農曆好像是五月。  當時正是玉蘭花開的時候,所以他們的名字一個是玉,一個是蘭。  這不是媽媽說的,這是來了美國後最近從大姨那邊聽到的。  
  • 媽媽在大陸的時候還和中共抗美援朝的時候,他說那時還看過當時的政宣片。  有趣的是,他們在民國四十七年一月到澳門,準備到台灣。  他們是坐火車從蘇州出發。  經過香港,大概是六月左右到了台灣。  一到,就聽到台灣正在準備八二三炮戰。  外婆就說,好了,又要回去啦!
  • 媽媽說聽到金門炮戰的消息,他那時想,如果他在戰場上,大姨也在戰場上,那怎麼辦??
  • 聽媽媽說,住在蘇州的時候,外婆,祖父,祖母,都沒有人工作。  他說在共產國家裡,每個人都得工作。  可是一旦工作,外婆就不能出來了。  所以外婆也沒有工作。  當時的葉婆婆也好像沒有工作。  葉婆婆一家和外婆一家同時同路出來,各自留下了自己的小孩,外婆把大姨留下來。  葉婆婆好像留了兩個,最後老二還是自己跑出來到了台灣。  
  • 最近母親和蘭阿姨講話,母親提到自己小時候曾經中毒快死, 蘭阿姨說怎麼我都沒印象。  母親說當時都把你們往別人家送了,所以你大概沒印象。  母親又說,咦,你好像都不大記得以前的事。  蘭阿姨說,那哩,我記得的你大概也不記得。  像我就記得我們從大陸出來的時候,共產黨把我們的金子手飾都搜括走了,所以我很不喜歡共產黨。  母親說,诶,我還真不記得有這事!
  • 母親他們從蘇州坐火車到廣州,準備從澳門進入香港,最後到台灣。  我是來了美國之後聽舅舅說起在火車上,媽媽和蘭阿姨睡在火車的椅子底下,一路到廣州。  因為只買了一張車票。  

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

A quote from my reading today

"In love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are."

(from the Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah)

我對這句話很有同感。

這說起來實在很幼稚。  我自己不斷的幻想各種的故事,曾經有一個工程師,有一個記者,有一個編劇者,有一個舞者,有一個球員,一個武功高手,一個偵探。。。  我甚至曾經和自己說,在現實裡我做不到我希望的,至少可以在幻想裡虛構出一個我認為完美的,夠資格去愛別人的人。 現在看到這句話, 讓我想到也許我把現實看作一場戰爭,也顯出我的原貌。  小瑋曾經問我,你到底做了甚麼?  什麼也沒做,除了想希望在想像中架構一個理想的自我形象,甚麼也沒有。  


"If I had told him the truth long time ago, or had danced and drunk and sung more, maybe he would have seen me instead of a dependable, ordinary mother.  He loves a version of me that is incomplete.  I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired.  Now I think perhaps I'd like to be known."

(from the Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah)


Sunday, March 28, 2021

Actions in an action adventure video game

 There are some basic actions in every single action adventure video games, let me brain storm a little:

  • Moving from point A to point B.
  • Ability to look around
  • Interact with Objects in the game
  • Interact with PC controlled characters
  • Combat
  • Puzzle solving
  • Platforming
  • Quicktime event
I think the list below is essential,:

  • Moving point A to point B
  • Combat
  • Puzzle
  • Interaction
  • Looking around
Many of actions are designed with a combination of couple or more of the elements above.  My mind was mostly on 3D games, so Looking around was there.  Otherwise the classic 2D games usually don't involve this action.  

Let's use classic Mario for an example.  What actions can be performed in that game?  

  • Moving from point A to point B:  running forward, jumping up and down.  The screen itself will move forward by itself.  
  • Combat: jumping on top of the enemies, or wear a temporary power suit, or throwing stuff at them temporarily, puzzle solving, involved with platforming.
  • Puzzle: solve them mostly by trial and error, and jumping, lots of jumping and practicing your timing skills.
  • Interaction: combat, puzzle solving, jumping, what else?  
  • Looking around, it's a 2D game, no need to look around, unlike metroid...
If I use assassin's creed, I think it would be more appropriate.  My point was an old one, I think I must expressed in some of my old writings.  Moving from point A to point B is very boring in most of the 3D games.  I was watching my cousin playing the latest assassin creed, the combat does not look fun, the long distance travel was very boring.  The only thing looks worth trying was the platforming, but even that would be dull at the end.  Because there's not purpose, not sense of urgency, or secrecy.  I also watched a bit of ghost of tsunami, it's basically the same game, but combat is more involved, but traveling from point A to point B was boring as well.  This trend has been like this since the day I played Gothic I and II.  In fact, I'd say Gothic looked more fun than the latest AC.  

The designer knew that traveling was boring, so they designed quick access points.  But still, why?  It's been how many years in between I actually played a game like gothic?  And yet, the traveling is still pointless.  Why create a huge world and there's nothing in there?  One of my favorite game was blade of darkness severance, there's basically no traveling.  lol  you load into different level, the only point A and point B is the beginning and end of the level.  

A design decision of creating a huge world for traveling does not make sense to me except for creators to claim they create world.  This is fame seeking, not game design.  If the wide big world serve a purpose, and players have to travel vast area for quite sometimes, with purposes, then I'd say for it.  Otherwise. a waste of time, money, and energy.  They could use those extra resource to create cheaper games, experiment games, that serves different types of crowds.  Bigger does not always mean better.  

Even though Ghost of tsunami looks really awesome, I still question the reason for such a big world and yet, not much to do but go to point A and point B to kill and collect.  The designers could just create different levels.  Like the old bushido blade.  The world itself has to serve a purpose, it has to run something vividly and propel the characters into actions.  I could just ride a broom in my kitchen and has the same effect or better effect than in the game!  

All those rant...  Stupid me.  

Sunday, March 21, 2021

讀書感想

 The soul of an octopus by sy montgomery

這本書在講作者和章魚接觸的經驗。  我之前已經看過作者一本書後才特地找這本來看。  這在圖書館的手機軟件上看得,預約的時間很長,至少有十四人排在我前面。  

在讀完這本書後,令我驚訝的是作者其實寫不少他在水族館做義工的時候認識的朋友。  他們的生活,他們想法,他們的奮鬥,他們的目標。  雖說這寫只占全書不到百分之十,可是作者自自然然的寫下這些事情真是令我訝異。  因為這是一本寫他跟章魚接觸的故事。  這令我想到十幾年前我和我表弟的一段對話。  我表弟的媽媽也就是我的小阿姨是個華人,姨丈可是道地的德州白人。  我倆當時住在一個旅館內,我有點忘記是為什麼,好像是我妹的婚禮。  我和他聊天,提到了上大學的目的。  我說上大學的目的當然是學習新知,他說我這樣講真像一個中國人。  他說他媽媽也是一樣。  我問那你說上大學是為什麼?  他說是為了交朋友。  我當時覺得滿奇怪的。  交朋友哪裡都可以交。。。  這本書的作者可以看得出到哪裡都交朋友。 

作者本身已是一個專欄作家在波士頓環球日報。  他也出了好幾本書,都是有關動物的。  他一開始是好奇章魚到底是怎麼一回事,他就向波士頓水族館章魚負責人連絡。  之後的故事,他開做義工,他開始學潛水,最後和一群學者幾次去潛水探險去尋找章魚的家。  這期間除了章魚他似乎也認識愈來愈多的人。  這和我去做義工最後不了了之,是天差地遠。  我感覺最後只是在做苦工,雖然我也願意,但是到最後和別人毫無交集之後,我也不做了。  

一本在將章魚的書我卻拉雜的扯出一堆似乎毫不相干的東西。  我是很喜歡作者的文筆才去看這本書的。  但是我覺得這這本書真正的主題其實是作者在接觸章魚後,他個人為了更了解章魚而做出的努力和經歷。  這本書不光是章魚,如果只是章魚的常識,那只需要幾段文字。  如果是章魚生態研究大全,那很可能會太枯燥乏味了。  如今作者只講個人的經歷,透過這個過程同時講述一些章魚的常識,水族館管如何改進動物的管理和飼養,這樣這本書就構成了一本吸引人的篇章。  但我有時會看不下去,這在我來說很正常。  每本我看的書在看到某一階段的時候都會出現這種現象。  這本書就是到了作者開始講他朋友的事情時,我會看不下去。  如果他只是在講章魚,水族館的沿革等等,我還看得有興趣。  

這位作者其實也有一個主題貫穿我所看過他的兩本書, 就是其實動物也是有感情的有意識的, 有所謂的 consciousness.  就算是章魚,和我們那麼不同也是有意識有情感的甚至有個性的。  從這本書來看似乎這是一個令很多科學家不能承認的事實。  而作者就是有意要打破這一陳見。  我上次看得 Fran de Waal 的書也是在講這事。  

我希望這本書可以被翻譯成中文, 說不定已經有中譯本了。  作者本身的這經驗是有趣極了。  書裡提到的和章魚互動的情況我想是很不容易在看到的,而作者的文筆又是那麼平順自然。   

Saturday, March 20, 2021

my two cats trying to see where it may lead

 The last paragraph of my story was as shown below:


"I did not know much cat before. I’ve always liked dogs. I never thought cat as pet for me. And to my knowledge, I know my sister was scared of cats. I am not sure about my mom, for she always claimed to be fearless of cats and dogs. Anyway, there’s no chance I’d be able to get cats or dogs. But when my aunt started to work in Tufts University, she acquired a friend, who owned two cats. They become really acquainted. My aunt was talking about a very small kitten one day. It’s a white kitten only 2 month old. Mrs. Ling’s daughter, volunteered in MSPCA, brought the kitten home for special care, for it’s too young to be adopted. My aunt was very bewitched by the kitten. And there’s another friend of my aunt, Mrs. Hu"

I shall continue here.  

The ones bewitched was not just my aunt, but also Mrs. Hu.  But Mrs. Hu saw another cat really big, like  the white kitten, it's ragdoll.  Her daughter said that adult white cat looked like a small sheep!  So they decided to adopt another cat, not as fluffy.  I heard their story of adopting their cat.  'tis the season for young kittens.  They went to MSPCA and found a cage of active young kittens.  They picked the one that was sitting back and watched the other kittens play.  They said it was probably easier to handle, others were too wild.  And they were right, it was playful and yet extremely gentle, one of most gentle I've ever met.  And it was very friendly to human, most friendly I've ever seen.  They named him Ashby, because Mrs. Hu's daughter like the sound "ash".  And it was grey with a white collar.  

Once the white kitten ended the foster period, my aunt swooped in to get the kitten.  The history for the kitten was a bit sad, also telling.  Because it was abandoned by its mother behind a barn which is sad.  But it's also telling, because usually a mom cat won't just abandon her kittens, there usually came with a reason.  And the reason is this kitten is easily riled up and would respond easily with bite and claws.  The cat would leave quite a few scars on my aunt and uncle throughout the year.  I've always think he is very lucky to be adopted by my aunt and uncle, who are very loving and tolerated towards him.  I was tasked to feed him a few times, I remember once, I was a bit late when I went to feed him.  He was waiting for him eagerly.  But when he saw me went to kitchen sink to wash my hands first instead going to the food bowl first, he hugged my right leg with both of his claws and sunk his teeth.  My fault though, I was late.  He has no bad intention though.  He liked to play some but only to a point.  Pass that point, he would rile up.  Now he's the only cat left alive.  I really hope he can live longer life.  

When Mark heard Bao Bao was gone, he was shocked.  I understand the emotion.  Cat, especially indoor cat can usually go to their 20s nowadays.  Dong Dong was only 6, Bao Bao only 16.  When Dong Dong passed away, I could not keep my tear in.  I was crying when my mom and I had a coffee once.  I wanted to not let it show again.  But all I wanted was to  cry and cry.  I was doing some light yard work today.  I could not help but squatted by Bao Bao's site and calling out his name.  I know how ridiculous this sounds.  I just missed him terribly.  Very terribly.  

Bao Bao is such a nice cat.  

Memory of my two cats

 Wrote this in 2007.  It was not finished.  I felt the intention for this essay was much bigger than just the tree story.  But we'll never know.  


Now both my cats are gone.  I miss them both terribly.  Very terribly.  


My two cats


I have two cats. One named dong dong, one named bao bao. They are awesome. But I am not a good master. I did not train them well. They always want to eat our food. They always jumped on the table in search of our food. I actually like them to enjoy some of our food. However, I also want them to go away and stop bothering us eating our food sometimes, especially when my mom and sister presented.


My cats are the only ones that eat a lot of human food. I’ve yet seen any other people’s cats that enjoy eating this variety of food. I am actually proud of that. Because our food is much more authentic than those so called cat food. My cats also enjoy some bones. Of course, I don’t want them to eat unhealthy food, like the ones too salty, or too sweet. To my surprise, they even eat something that I’d think they hate, like Curry.


I sometimes gave my two cats time to explore the outdoor world. I had them on leashes, of course. I love to see them outdoors. They seemed to me more alert and energetic. I took them outdoor after they arrived to my house for a few weeks, I think. At first, I was of course, nervous. So I supervised them very carefully, without leashes on. Because I thought I did not need to. It took very little time for them to venture all over my yard although they were still small. They loved it. And I loved it. We tried to put collar on them, bound by a grass rope. Amazingly, they found a way to escape the collars as soon as they were out under the big blue sky.


There were times that I let my cats wondering outside without leashes. I tried to accompany with them of course. However, without leashes, I could not go with them everywhere, and I could not restrain them. As you could imagine, they went to neighbor’s yard I could not follow. I was kind scared at first, very anxiously and impatiently waiting for them to come back. They always did. So I grew careless. I would go inside and do my own things, just went out to check them occasionally. There’s even once I walked on the street and called out Dong Dong’s name, he appeared and ran towards me. That feeling was so overwhelming!


Although I did let them out without leashes a few times, my mom and my sister thought it’s too dangerous. I agreed with them. But it was kind hard not to let them go outside since I myself enjoyed them outdoors. One sunny afternoon, I let them out again. I initially tried to keep them in my yard of course. But as always, they ran away. I thought it was ok, so I opened my basement entrance then headed inside. Around 5 p.m., Bao Bao came back meowing all the way from basement for food. I was kind worried at the time already, I tried to walk around the neighborhood calling out their names 2~3 times already. I was extremely happy that Bao Bao was back. But I wanted to wait for Dong Dong to come back and feed both at the same time. Well, that never happened. Dong Dong never came back that night. Frustration and regret just overpowered me. Mom and sister told me not to do that, and yet I still did it. It’s all my fault. I went outside to cry that night after my mom and sister went to bed.


The next day, I rode my bike around neighborhood. I rode to Summer street all the way to 114. I’d stop and chat with people in hope to get something valuable. Some told me that they saw a cat running past their house last afternoon. Someone told me that their cat went away two months now and hadn’t come back. All of them were very nice that they told me to keep an eye out for me. I went to Andover animal hospital, MSPCA to report a missing cat; called animal control to ask if they had anyone like my Dong Dong. I printed out a poster, but I did not use them. For I was afraid that might not be legal. All these efforts were fruitless. I got nothing at all.


I was going to give up, so I went to my uncle’s house to do something around 2 p.m. I came back in a different route, still hoping I could catch a glance of my missing cat. When I walked passed a house, a house with tall fence around its garden. I heard a familiar meowing. I was like stunned. It’s so dim, so thin. But I know I heard it. So I started to peek around. As I was doing that, the house with tall fence, an old lady walked out of it, trying to do some yard work. I saw her look at me puzzled. So I gather my courage to ask her if she saw a red tabby walked passed here. She said no and asked me where I lived. I told her, and she immediately said, “oh, the house with cats sitting on the window, right?” I felt a bit funny, and told her yes. At the same time, the neighbor across the street strode out and started to do some yard work. She sawed us talking and joined in. Upon hearing a red tabby, she said she saw one walking past here last afternoon.


I felt I could not do much there so I prepared to leave. But I heard that faint meowing again. I was kind shocked, because it felt so familiar, so like Dong Dong meowing! I stopped to listen. The old lady saw me. I asked her did she hear anything. The neighbor across the street hadn’t left yet, she said she heard something too! The old lady said she heard nothing, but she said since there’re lots of birds in her garden and woods on the back, maybe I should check it out. She led me to the back of her house, there’s no grass, but woods and stones. As I walked near the woods, the sound became much clearer, and the old lady heard it too. And this time it’s grew anxious. At first, I looked on the ground, searching for the source of that sound. We got nothing. But suddenly, the sound was so loud and it was above us! There, high in a tree, Dong Dong was almost shouting us from a branch so high, my heart was going to jump from my throat! Upon seeing this, the old lady was half amazed and half amused. I could only hear my heart beat in my chest like a street drummer.


I asked the old lady if she had a ladder I could use. She showed me where it was. I put the ladder up, it’s a two level ladder, one that has a second set of ladder adjusted by sliding. I tried to climb up, but at the mid way I felt it’s so shaky and got scared. She suggested to get Fire department to help out. I agreed with her and went home to make the phone call. I got home and started to call the Fire department. The receiver ridiculed at my request saying that they no longer provide this kind service. He also comforted me that the cat will come down eventually by himself. I did not get comforted at all. So I called animal control to see if they’d help. That did not work either. I called the Fire Department again, and the receiver got annoyed but politely assured me that my cat can go to that high, it could come down with no problem. Well, I’ve tried, and if those guys can’t come, I will try it myself. I searched around my house for ropes that I could use. I tried to remember what I learned at High School Gym class. I had vague idea of how I could tie myself around the waist and thigh. I managed to get some kind of rope eventually, although it’s no where near the real thing I was supposed to use. But I was determined to go anyway.


When I arrived at the woods, the old lady was showing her neighbor where the cat was. I told them that the Fire department would not come so I decided to do this myself. The neighbor left after the old lady tried to lure the cat with some of her own cat’s food. Nothing happened. Dong Dong was meowing so loud, he looked like a scared to death kid to me…those firefighters… I started to climb the ladder again, this time I managed to get on the top of the ladder. But it shook so much. The old lady asked me through the window if I needed someone to hold the ladder. I really thanked her asking that question. I did not think of that, or even if I did, I doubted I would really ask.


Well, now the base was secured, I once again tried to climb up the tree from the top of the ladder. I bounded myself to the tree by tying a rope between my ropes around my waist and thigh. Moving very carefully, I touched the cat. I finally touched my cat! However, the problem was that he’s scared to come down from that branch. He had every right mind to be scared. Because I could grab him just barely. I did not care for that, I just kept trying to reach him and tried to get him off that branch. In the end though, I had to admit, it’s really not safe for him to come down this way. He was meowing even more loudly and shook a little. And I even smelled a bit of urine. I decided to get down the ladder and went home to get something that would be safe to let Dong Dong to jump in.


I ran home and searched the house desperately. I found my sister’s gym back. It had an ok base, a bit soft for my taste, but it might do the trick. I climbed back on that tree, holding a bag, and tried to pull my cat into the bag. I was sweating like a raining day, but it’s still no go for the cat. I finally put the back on my head and hoping a miracle would happen. It did. The cat stepped into the bag on my head. I guess that the bag on my head looked much closer on that branch. I also considered myself lucky to hold that bag tightly enough. After I got the bag off my head, I quickly zipped the bag to prevent Dong Dong from peeking out his head. I climbed back down. I was totally exhausted but with whole heart of joy and a sense of accomplishment. After I put the ladder back to the place, the old lady gave some food to Dong Dong at her front gate. We started to chat a bit and found out that she’s my house’ previous owner’ sister! I should really thank the old lady!


Dong Dong was impatient and meowing all the way back to my house. My heart was racing like a maniac since I saw my cat on that tree. But now I was kind enjoying my peace of mind. It’s so good that cat was back to us. Bao Bao was smelling at Dong Dong and licking him every where while he was eating like hungry pig. My mom and sister were surprised to see both cats when they came back. And I could not stop telling them the story. In fact, I could not stop telling the story for a few days to come!


I did not know much cat before. I’ve always liked dogs. I never thought cat as pet for me. And to my knowledge, I know my sister was scared of cats. I am not sure about my mom, for she always claimed to be fearless of cats and dogs. Anyway, there’s no chance I’d be able to get cats or dogs. But when my aunt started to work in Tufts University, she acquired a friend, who owned two cats. They become really acquainted. My aunt was talking about a very small kitten one day. It’s a white kitten only 2 month old. Mrs. Ling’s daughter, volunteered in MSPCA, brought the kitten home for special care, for it’s too young to be adopted. My aunt was very bewitched by the kitten. And there’s another friend of my aunt, Mrs. Hu


Tuesday, March 16, 2021

標點符號練習,哈哈哈!!

 「=====<<>>,,>>。。;';::?{}】】【【「}}}】】」」『』,,,,。。。;;::::::::"、、、!!!!!,,,,。。。;;::::::::"、、、!!!!!ˋ,,,,。。。;;::::::::"、、、!!!!!ˋ#@,,,,。。。;;::::::::"、、、!!!!!ˋ#@」︼」」」」」



Friday, March 12, 2021

翻譯練習

這一段節錄是取自 The Soul of Octopus 這本書。  故事的地點是 波士頓水族館。  書的主題是章魚。  這一段裡提到的 Octavia 是一隻老章魚, 母的, 已經孵卵孵了十個月的章魚。  但因為他是在水族館裡產卵,所以這些卵是不會孵化的。  一般而言, 章魚產了卵後就代表他已逐步走向死亡。  所以章魚的負責人 Bill 就買了一隻小章魚準備將來替代 Octavia 的位置。  他給小章魚取名叫 Kali。  可惜的是, 幾個月後, Kali 意外死亡。  所以 Bill 又買了一隻 小章魚, 取名 Karma。  那時候,Octavia 雖然有衰老死亡的跡象,但是無法確知他會在甚麼時候走。 而這個日長夜大的 Karma 卻已經不願待在他的水桶裡了。  當時, 很多館員和義工都在討論是否要把 Octavia 和 Karma 調換環境。  在經過一段時間的討論後, 發生了以下的故事。   (譯者)




After I left the aquarium, Octavia's left eye got worse, and her right eye was cloudy.  Especially if she were senescent, and not in her right mind, in a tank full of other animals and rough surfaces, the chances she might further injure herself were great.  And by Thursday morning, another factor had arisen that Bill was forced to consider.  

  在我 (作者 Sy Montgomery) 離開波士頓( 水族館) 去旅行後, Octavia 的左眼開始惡化,甚至右眼也開始混濁了。  Octavia 如果是因為老化而造成精神反常,(讓他住在一個滿是其他動物和到處都是粗糙岩石搭建起來的水箱),
(他那用粗糙岩石搭建的水箱裡又住了其他不少動物),  (到處都是怪石和其他粗糙的結構的水族館展覽水箱裡),是很容易受傷的。  在星期四當天,又發生了一件事,促使 Bill 下定決心要給 Octavia 搬家。


At about 10 a.m., his glance was drawn to movement in Karma's barrel.  Without opening the top, he looked down on a sight he had never before seen: an octopus hanging upside down at the surface, her black beak clearly visible, persistently chewing on the mesh-like plastic conweb across the top of the lid.  

Karma had already severed some of the brand-new cable ties that held the mesh onto the screw top.  When Bill saw this, he understood why he'd had to replace some of the ties after Kali died.  Now he realized that the damage to the ties had not just been the result of normal wear and tear: Kali, like Karma, had been systematically gnawing through them in and effort to escape.  


    早上十點鐘,Bill 注意到了 Karma 水桶裡的動靜。  在沒有打開蓋子的情況下,他俯身看到一幅從沒見過的景象,一隻章魚,倒著浮在水面上,他黑黑的喙正專注地咬嚙著桶蓋上的細網。  

Karma 之前就已經把桶蓋上一些全新的帶子給咬斷過了。  這次 Bill 看到這副景象,他才知道為什麼在 Kali 死掉之後,他要把一些桶子裡的繩帶換新。  那時他以為繩帶壞掉是因為正常的使用下損壞的,但現在他知道,繩帶壞掉是因為之前的章魚, Kali,為了逃跑而作的努力!

"I was nervous," Bill told me, "I still didn't want to move Octavia."  He was afraid he might injure her; he was afraid he wouldn't be able to catch her at all.  He had never moved a live octopus out of the exhibit before.  "But Karma gave me no choice.  Octavia gave me no choice."  

"我很緊張。"  Bill 跟我說:" 我還是很不想把 Octavia 從展覽箱移開。"  他很怕在移開的過程裡會傷害到 Octavia;而且 也沒有把握一定可以抓到 Octavia。  他從來沒有把一隻活生生的章魚從展覽水箱裡移開過。  "但是 Karma 逼著我這樣做。  Octavia 也逼著我這樣做。"

Bill spend the rest of that Thursday moving around fish...   Bill chose to try to move Octavia and Karma after the public had left, because he wasn't sure how it would go.  

    Bill 花了星期四所有的時間來做準備工作,從移除不同種類的魚開始。。。(這工作過程不只是牽涉到 Octavia 的展覽水箱,而是包括很多其他水箱,因為 Octavia 水箱裡的種類不少,當一種魚移到另一個水箱時,另一水箱的魚也要看情況移往下一個水箱。譯者註。)  Bill 等到水族館對外公開的時間結束後才開始移動 Octavia 和 Karma,因為他實在不知道整個過程會發生甚麼事

Luckily, Bill's Thursday volunteer, Darshan Patel, twenty-nine, was there to help.  Together they lifted Karma's 50-gallon barrel out of the sump and placed it on the floor.  Bill propped open the lid to Octavia's exhibit.  While Darshan watched from the public side, Bill used a soft, deep-bodied mesh net with a metal handle to try to scoop Octavia up from her corner.  At the touch of the net, Octavia tucked up deeper into her corner; Bill couldn't reach her from that angle.  So the two men switched positions, and Darshan went upstairs to make sure Octavia didn't try to escape the open tank while Bill went downstairs to assess the situation.  
 

    幸運的是,Bill 星期四的義工,29 歲的Darshan Patel,願意留下來幫忙。  他們一起把 Karma  50 加侖的水桶從換水的機器上移開,放到地上。  Bill 把 Octavia 展覽水箱上部的門閥打開。  Darshan 從有玻璃的展覽廳中,觀察並提供 Bill 方向,Bill 在水箱上邊拿著特別的大網從上方伸進水箱中,試圖把 Octavia 給撈出來。  Octavia 一碰到網子 立刻地躲進更深的角落裡。  Bill 的網子無法從那個角度搆到 Octavia。  於是 Bill 和 Darshan 互換地方, Darshan 到了水箱的上方,防止 Octavia 從那兒逃出來。  Bill 則在展覽廳透過玻璃研究下一步要如何進行。  


To give them more room to maneuver, they needed to remove an additional portion of the cover, which was bolted to the tank.  Darshan donned waders so he could stand in the tank while Bill worked from above.  Octavia's cloudy eyes swiveled to follow them as he worked.  


    為了要有更多空間可以操作,他們把水箱上面用螺絲綁定的蓋子一個一個移除。  Darshan 更身著吊帶釣魚褲準備進入魚箱來配合 Bill。  同一時間裡,Octavia 用他那混濁的雙眼緊緊跟著 Darshan 。

Darshan is five foot ten; the water came up to his waist, but when he bent over, cold water poured inside his waders.  When the lid came off, Octavia began to move towards the back glass that separates her tank from the wolf eels.  Bill worked a net above; Darshan used a net, plus his free hand, while in the water.  "We were being gentle, trying to guide her into the net," Bill told me.  But Octavia evaded them again and again.  Even with four of her arms in the net, she was holding on to the rocks with four others.  As Darshan pursued her, she poured two of her arms and half her body into a crevice and refused to let go.  "For an old octopus, she was still super-strong," Darshan said.  "You have to have respect for her suckers. It's crazy how strong they are."  

    Darshan 是五呎十吋高,水箱的水只到他的腰,可是他一彎身,那冷水就滾進了他的吊褲裡。  就在他們把更多的蓋子移除時, Octavia 更是把自己整個貼在水箱後的玻璃上,那玻璃是分隔章魚水箱和鰻狼魚水箱的。  這時, Bill 從上頭伸進一個網子, Darshan 在水裡也用一個網子還加上他的手。  "我們非常小心而且輕柔的引導他進網子裡。"  Bill 跟我說。  但是 Octavia 一次又一次的躲過他們。  即使他有四肢觸手在網子裡, 其他四肢觸手卻牢牢吸在石頭上。  當 Darshan 又一次的追著他,Octavia 把兩肢觸手和半個身體擠進了石縫裡怎麼也不放。  "就一個老章魚而言,他實在太強壯了。" Darshan 說:"他的吸盤真是令我佩服。"


It was obvious this wasn't going to work.  So while Darshan, soaked and freezing, stayed in the tank, with Octavia just inches from the top, Bill changed quickly into his wet suit.  They prayed Octavia wouldn't try to come out.  

    這樣不是辦法。  Darshan 只好又濕又冷的待在水箱裡,眼睜睜的看著 Octavia 就在身旁,等 Bill 去換潛水衣。  他們只有祈禱 Octavia 不會在這個時候逃出水箱。  

Darshan moved back as Bill got into the cramped tank, both men careful to step around the two leather stars and anemones on the bottom.  And then, as the sea stars observed the proceedings eyelessly from his usual position across from Octavia's lair, Bill bent his six-foot-five frame in half so that, although he couldn't see her tucked up under the rocks, he could feel Octavia's suckers.  With his fingers, he gently urged her into his waiting net.  


    為了讓 Bill 擠進水箱,Darshan 往後挪出了空間。 兩人都非常小心他們的下腳處,深怕會踩到兩隻皮海星和其他的海葵。 雖說海星沒有眼睛,但海星一動不動的待在平常和 Octavia 巢穴對面的角落裡,Bill 就好像在海星的窺視下, 彎下他六尺五吋身軀,雖然他依舊無法看到 Octavia, 但他可以觸摸到 Octavia 的吸盤。 Bill 用他的手指,輕輕催促著 Octavia進入他的網中。  


To Darshan's astonishment, at the touch of Bill's hand Octavia entered Bill's net on the first try.  She had not tasted Bill's skin for ten months.  All that time, because she was under the ceiling of her lair, she could not see it was him handing her food on the grabber.  And yet, Octavia's response to Bill's touch showed two remarkable aspects of her relationship with her keeper.  She not only remembered him; she trusted him, too.  


    出乎 Darshan 的意料之外, 在 Bill 第一次的觸摸下,Octavia 乖乖地進入了網子。  Octavia 已經有十個月沒有品嘗過 Bill 的肌膚了。  這期間, Octavia 都躲在自己洞穴裡的天花板下,所以 Octavia(他) ( 在這十個月裡 )並沒有看到是 Bill 伸了長長的管子來給他餵食的。  但如今 Octavia 在給 Bill 觸摸後的反應裡,展現了 Octavia(他) 和飼養員之間的關係,有著兩點令人驚奇的地方。  那就是, Octavia 不僅僅記得 Bill; 而且,他也信任 Bill.  

(自 The Soul of Octopus by Sy Montgomery, Chapter 8)

Tuesday, March 09, 2021

如果沒有什麼

 如果沒有什麼在我的腦袋裡,

為什麼我感覺有東西在那裏?

如果沒有什麼在我的心裡,

為什麼我感覺有沉沉的,有東西似的。

我暫時停止呼吸。

怕,是我不通的鼻子製造的聲音。

心裡還是沉沉的。

腦袋裡也仍是有東西在那裏。

於是,我想,用什麼來表達,

在身體裡的,腦袋裡的,

那個東西長什麼樣子。

什麼想法也沒有。

除了沉重的感覺。 

想法似乎都逃光了。  


Something on my minds

 I got something on my mind.

I cannot tell you what they are.  

Not because I am stingy with words.  

But I am still trying to search for them.  

Maybe it's just a false alarm.  

But somehow it was hanging on my tongue.  

If I found them, my wish was not to 

hang them on my wall

well, I was hoping that by finding out

I will ease the thought

that has no words in it

and find a peace at last.  



Friday, February 26, 2021

歌詞

 搖籃曲

曲:布拉姆斯

詞:李抱枕

快快睡,我寶貝,窗外天已黑,

小鳥回巢去,太陽也休息,
到天亮,出太陽,又是鳥語花香,
到天亮,出太陽,又是鳥語花香。

快快睡,我寶寶,兩眼要閉好,
媽媽看護你,安睡不怕懼,
好寶寶,安睡了,我的寶寶睡了,
好寶寶,安睡了,我的寶寶睡了。


我印象裡的歌詞一直都是 寶寶睡,寶寶睡。。。  後來的就忘了。  這裡的歌詞我還不會唱。

-----------------


Home Sweet Home

Composed: Sir Henry Bishop

Lyrics: Payne

Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home
A charm from the skies seems to hallow us there
Which seek thro' the world, is ne'er met elsewhere
Home! Home!
Sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home
There's no place like home!

An exile from home splendor dazzles in vain
Oh give me my lowly thatched cottage again
The birds singing gaily that came at my call
And gave me the peace of mind dearer than all
Home, home, sweet, sweet home
There's no place like home, there's no place like home!


中文

我的家庭真可愛,整潔美滿又安康, 姊妹兄弟很和氣,父母都慈祥; 雖然沒有好花園,春蘭秋桂常飄香; 雖然沒有大廳堂,冬天溫暖夏天涼。


-----------------------------------------



Wednesday, February 24, 2021

去年鈔的

 日本國長屋王崇敬佛法,造千袈裟,來施此國大德眾僧,其袈裟緣上繡著四句曰:

「山川異域,風月同天,寄諸佛子,共結來緣。」

以此思量,誠是佛法興隆,有緣之國也。 今我同法眾中,誰有應此遠請,向日本國傳法者乎?

--鑑真和尚東征傳


在 Covid-19 下,武漢封城時,看到日友人支援中國時在箱子上所印的貼條上有:山川異域,風月同天。  很喜歡。  去找了出處。  下面一首詩,也是在日本友人援助武漢時的封條。  

【送柴侍御。王昌齡】

沅水通波接武岡,送君不覺有離傷,

青山一道同雲雨,明月何曾是兩鄉。


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One day we were born, 
one day we shall die, 
the same day, the same second... 
Birth astride a grave, 
the light gleams an instant, 
then it's night once more. 


(Book When breath becomes air, quoted this line.  a very striking quote.  But the way book Quotes is much more like a poem.  Below is the original text, from a play by Samuel Beckett, was originally in French, then translated by the author into English.)

Have you not done tormenting me with your accursed time!  It's abominable!  When! When! One day, is that not enough for you, one day he went dumb, one day I went blind, one day we'll go deaf, one day we were born, one day we shall die, the same day, the same second, is that not enough for you? 

They give birth astride a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more. 


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What now is proved

was once only imagined.

The rat, the mouse, the fox,

the rabbit watch the roots;

the lion, the tyger, the horse,

the elephant...

Watch the fruits.

The cistern contains;

the fountain...

Overflow

(William Blake in Bones season 2:17)


Lovers and Madmen

have such seething brains

such shaping fantasies,

that apprehend more 

than cool reason 

ever comprehends.

(Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream, in Bones, season 2:17)

These were conversation between Gordon Gordon and Angela Montenegro.  When Gordon Gordon read those lines, it was very charming!  Some people are very talented!


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「生死之交」 是友情的最崇高的境界,但是這種事情要慢慢來。 你不要剛認識一個人,就希望它是你的 「生死之交」 。 這等於你一認識他,你就想要 「取他性命」。

朋友有 「通財之雅」。 這種事情也要看交情的深淺。 如果你剛認識一個人, 就要求對方有這種 「通財之雅」 ,就等於剛認識一個人, 就想 「取他錢財」 。

【林良。豐富人生】

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Tuesday, February 23, 2021

一個有趣的劇情

 連續殺人犯是偵探警察故事的重要劇情。  我最近在看一個叫做 "mentalist" 的影集。  昨天看到影集裡重要的連續殺人犯被殺之後的故事,變得更為懸疑,因為到底殺的是不是那個連續殺人犯?  我可以看到這個問題將成為一個很吸引人的話題!一般我看到的都是把連續殺人犯抓到或殺了作為結束,這種到底殺的人是誰還滿新鮮的,至少對我而言。  



Monday, February 22, 2021

怎麼量一個動物的身體?

 我們平常去看醫生,體重和身高是我們身體最基本的度量衡。  我最近在看一本書,在講烏薩黃石公園野放的狼群。  在廿世紀初,野狼就被烏薩國給整個滅絕了。  之後一直到 1997 年以前,除了零星的幾隻狼會從加拿大遊蕩過界,烏薩國基本上沒有狼。  但是到了 1970 年代開始,有了不同的聲音。  逐漸有人希望狼可以重回烏薩國本土。  尤其是在烏薩國國會通過了瀕臨絕種動物法案後。  這一段歷史很有趣, 因為在反對和贊成讓狼重回烏薩的立場上,出現了很多的波折。  到最後居然出現了三種角度。  一個角度是完全反對, 反對的意見包括牧人害怕經濟損失、獵人怕獵物被狼吃光了、有的人怕狼會傷害人。  第二個角度是贊成,他們認為這是把狼整個從烏薩國給滅掉是一種非常不自然的方法,而且造成了其他動物的過量繁殖,間接造成國家公園裡和其他地方的植披和林象的破壞。  有趣的是,當時已經發現狼群很有可能會從加拿大往南遷移。  在瀕臨絕種生物法案下,這些南移的狼將會受到此法案的保護。  這對烏薩國北邊的幾個省會造成很大的困擾。  因為在此法案下,很多的棲息地將不能被牧人或農人拿來使用,而要成為保護地。  從 1970 年末,為了使狼群可以在國家公園裡生存,贊成的人裡那些學者專家提出了一個妥協方案, 就是另立一個特別法,使的放生在國家公園裡的狼群在法律上屬於一個特殊地位,可以不完全受瀕臨絕種生物法案的保護。  這個妥協議案始終都受到烏薩邦國北方三國的否決,但是當 1980 年代末,他們發現狼群的自然的南移可能性大大增加,那三國的議員居然贊成了妥協決議,最好笑的是,贊成的一方現在居 然分為兩派,一派希望乾脆讓狼群南遷讓他們受到瀕臨絕種法案來保護,另一派還是希望可以趕快用協議案馬上把狼群移植到國家公園。  兩派的人各自又分為贊成和反對。  結果是妥協的議案通過。  

其實,我在看書的時候想的是阿穆爾老虎。  和一隻鳥共同生活不怎麼樣,可是如果和老虎共同生活,會是啥樣?  要如何一起活下去?  

拉拉雜雜的寫了一堆,我的題目反而沒有提到。  很有趣的事情是,書裡提及狼的身體時,除了重量和高度外,還多了從尾巴到鼻尖的度量衡:長度。  我覺得有趣,因為人類似乎也應該有這樣的測量。。。  

Friday, February 19, 2021

NBA 這一季的目前的感想

 我看很多 NBA 的精采剪輯。  我最喜歡看的是金洲勇士隊。  其實他們是冠軍球隊時,我很少看。  但是我覺得看他們比賽的時候,可以感受到他們的快樂。  這是看其他球隊所沒有的。  感覺上是 SC 的原因吧。  在這一季開賽和籃網打完後,可以感受到 SC 心理是很難過的。  所以我就開始特別注意這個球隊,主要是我覺得這時才會看出 SC 到底是個怎樣的球員。  他們現在仍不是籃網或著湖人的對手,可是看籃網或者湖人,都不能感受到看勇士隊的快樂。  目前我只從另一個球員身上看到類似 SC 的感染力,那就是達拉斯小牛的 LD。  我覺得如果 SC、KT、DG 如果可以一起打到退休那該有多好,他們在一起打球真的很有感染力。  我知道 SC 常常有一些慶祝的舉動讓其他球員不爽,可是如果他的用意不是污辱其他人,而是因為進球的快樂,長久下去他的舉動總是會讓其他球員理解的吧。  想想如果勇士隊只有 DG,我相信一定是一堆紛爭。  可是因為有了SC 和 KT,一個是快樂的球員,一個是穩重的球員,再加上一個像火山似的 DG, 真的非常有看頭!  SC 雖說是個快樂的球員,但是他的敬業精神,和求勝的意志目前看來並不比 LBJ 差。  前年勇士的季後賽,LBJ 盛讚 SC 

"Never underestimates the heart of a champion!"

我是滿感動的。  真的是英雄惜英雄,好漢惜好漢!


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一直一來我最喜歡的球隊是聖安東尼馬刺。  現在仍是,只是我覺得勇士更多了份興高采烈的氣氛。  目前馬刺又排在八強裡,我看到了真是高興,希望可以持續。  在歷經鄧肯和諸老將退休和 KW 的戲碼後,馬刺的老教頭竟又帶領這支球隊打出不錯的成績來。  他們有兩個很棒的老球星,和諸多新人,我可以看得出每一個人每年在球技體能都有長足的長進。  我非常期待他們打出好球!


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NBA 現在很有趣的現象是那幾年鄧肯的馬刺和奈許的太陽隊雙方的廝殺下,所打出的球路為現在的 NBA 畫下了藍圖。  而雙方的經理,教練人才也充斥整個 NBA 大生態群裡。  象波士頓的塞爾特人總經理,勇士的教練,公鹿的教練,尼克的教練。。。  太陽是天才逼人,以速度和如水般的攻勢做他們的主軸;而馬刺一開始是堅強的中鋒,頑強防守,傲人的組織能力做他們的主軸,但是到了後來,總教頭更顯出驚人的順應時勢的態度,利用自己的優勢向太陽學習,終於在一三和一四年兩度打進冠軍賽。  現在看到馬刺打球時,仍可以看到老教頭順應時勢的態度驚人。  充分發揮每個人的能力,而不是把人死板板的塞在一個僵化的教條裡。  很值得學習!


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Sunday, February 14, 2021

Second readthrough of a book

I just finished reading Tuesday with Morrie the second time.  I  can separate my own experience from the book better this time.  I can feel more about what I already know rationally.  I liked it better this time for this reason.  

I felt the author's writing skill was really great, he's a professional writer.  The writing style was easy to follow, and yet, it told a complicated story.  But the constant reflecting back and forth was kind cumbersome for me.  But individual portion of past and present was fluid and thoughtful.  And I wondered why that author put every speech of Morrie into quotation marks, but he never put his own words in quotation marks.  Initially I was thinking he's distancing himself from scenes, kind of like a bystanders.  But then again, I think maybe it's out of the respect of his professor.  For it is Morrie's words the author wanted to convey and present here.  

I find Morrie to be an interesting person.  I think I would like him too.  Even at this stage, his thoughts were clear and composed.  He was still compassionate.  It seemed all the caretakers liked him for what he was.  But what fascinating was the fact, he admitted his own depression and crying in the morning.  The strength he showed, which was not presented in anger, sadness.  He was worried about people wiping his behind, and when he was decayed to that degree, he said he actually enjoyed it.  That phrase sounded so familiar to me, I heard from grandpa, and I heard from my mom now.  It always sounded like a thorns in my ears.  My heart always sink and a taste of annoyance burnt my tongue.  Morrie's "enjoy it" scared me.  But is it not true, that people decay?  What was I irritated by?  This reminded me of a quote from Growing Up, 

            "This one is written out of a childish faith in the eternal strength of parents, a naïve believe that age and wear could be overcome by an effort of will...  It is such a foolish, innocent idea, but one thinks of parents differently from other people.  Other people can become frail and break, but not parents."(Growing Up, Chapter 1)

I still had hard time not comparing him to my grandpa.  I was watching a program made after Morrie's death, the interviews was quite something.  I said to my mom, who's watching it with me, "Morrie still like to have visitors, but grandpa was avoiding them."  My mom said: "Grandpa was almost deaf."  I can see that.  Morrie was losing his limbs first, what if he lost his hearing?  And when Morrie said:

            "Mitch, why would I take like that?  Taking just makes me feel like I'm dying.  Giving makes feel like I'm living." (Tuesday with Morrie, Afterword, 20th anniversary edition)

The familiarity of the phrase was even stronger.  This idea of giving is living, is a hallmark of my grandpa.  I also heard from Aunt Grace that her grand mother like to buy stuff for her kids, grand kids.  And Aunt Grace would put money into her grand mother's wallet, and let grand mother buy stuff for her kids and grand kids.  Morrie gave more of his thoughts and words.  And as independent as Morrie, when he said he's enjoying people wiping his behind.  I was thinking of my grandpa as well.  I helped to bath him a couple of times.  And the feeling of embarrassment was visible in people involved, including grandpa.  I felt Morrie's emotion was strong, but also self restrain and discipline.  

People around my grandpa was emotional, though the way they expressed that emotion was different, every single one of them was emotional.   Maybe too emotional, all wrapped in their own emotion.  

Here's a few quotes and poems in the book: 

September 1, 1939
W. H. Auden - 1907-1973

I sit in one of the dives
On Fifty-second Street
Uncertain and afraid
As the clever hopes expire
Of a low dishonest decade:
Waves of anger and fear
Circulate over the bright
And darkened lands of the earth,
Obsessing our private lives;
The unmentionable odour of death
Offends the September night.

Accurate scholarship can
Unearth the whole offence
From Luther until now
That has driven a culture mad,
Find what occurred at Linz,
What huge imago made
A psychopathic god:
I and the public know
What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return.

Exiled Thucydides knew
All that a speech can say
About Democracy,
And what dictators do,
The elderly rubbish they talk
To an apathetic grave;
Analysed all in his book,
The enlightenment driven away,
The habit-forming pain,
Mismanagement and grief:
We must suffer them all again.

Into this neutral air
Where blind skyscrapers use
Their full height to proclaim
The strength of Collective Man,
Each language pours its vain
Competitive excuse:
But who can live for long
In an euphoric dream;
Out of the mirror they stare,
Imperialism's face
And the international wrong.

Faces along the bar
Cling to their average day:
The lights must never go out,
The music must always play,
All the conventions conspire
To make this fort assume
The furniture of home;
Lest we should see where we are,
Lost in a haunted wood,
Children afraid of the night
Who have never been happy or good.

The windiest militant trash
Important Persons shout
Is not so crude as our wish:
What mad Nijinsky wrote
About Diaghilev
Is true of the normal heart;
For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.

From the conservative dark
Into the ethical life
The dense commuters come,
Repeating their morning vow;
"I will be true to the wife,
I'll concentrate more on my work,"
And helpless governors wake
To resume their compulsory game:
Who can release them now,
Who can reach the deaf,
Who can speak for the dumb?

All I have is a voice
To undo the folded lie,
The romantic lie in the brain
Of the sensual man-in-the-street
And the lie of Authority
Whose buildings grope the sky:
There is no such thing as the State
And no one exists alone;
Hunger allows no choice
To the citizen or the police;
We must love one another or die.

Defenceless under the night
Our world in stupor lies;
Yet, dotted everywhere,
Ironic points of light
Flash out wherever the Just
Exchange their messages:
May I, composed like them
Of Eros and of dust,
Beleaguered by the same
Negation and despair,
Show an affirming flame.

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my father moved through dooms of love

E. E. Cummings - 1894-1962

34

my father moved through dooms of love
through sames of am through haves of give,
singing each morning out of each night
my father moved through depths of height

this motionless forgetful where
turned at his glance to shining here;
that if (so timid air is firm)
under his eyes would stir and squirm

newly as from unburied which
floats the first who, his april touch
drove sleeping selves to swarm their fates
woke dreamers to their ghostly roots

and should some why completely weep
my father’s fingers brought her sleep:
vainly no smallest voice might cry
for he could feel the mountains grow.

Lifting the valleys of the sea
my father moved through griefs of joy;
praising a forehead called the moon
singing desire into begin

joy was his song and joy so pure
a heart of star by him could steer
and pure so now and now so yes
the wrists of twilight would rejoice

keen as midsummer’s keen beyond
conceiving mind of sun will stand,
so strictly (over utmost him
so hugely) stood my father’s dream

his flesh was flesh his blood was blood:
no hungry man but wished him food;
no cripple wouldn’t creep one mile
uphill to only see him smile.

Scorning the Pomp of must and shall
my father moved through dooms of feel;
his anger was as right as rain
his pity was as green as grain

septembering arms of year extend
less humbly wealth to foe and friend
than he to foolish and to wise 
offered immeasurable is

proudly and (by octobering flame
beckoned) as earth will downward climb,
so naked for immortal work
his shoulders marched against the dark

his sorrow was as true as bread:
no liar looked him in the head;
if every friend became his foe
he’d laugh and build a world with snow.

My father moved through theys of we,
singing each new leaf out of each tree
(and every child was sure that spring
danced when she heard my father sing)

then let men kill which cannot share,
let blood and flesh be mud and mire,
scheming imagine, passion willed,
freedom a drug that’s bought and sold

giving to steal and cruel kind,
a heart to fear, to doubt a mind,
to differ a disease of same,
conform the pinnacle of am

though dull were all we taste as bright,
bitter all utterly things sweet,
maggoty minus and dumb death
all we inherit, all bequeath

and nothing quite so least as truth
—i say though hate were why men breathe—
because my Father lived his soul
love is the whole and more than all

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I've picked a place to be buried....Very serene.  A good place to think....Are you planning on thinking there?  I'm planning on being dead there.  He chuckles. I chuckles.  Will you visit?  ...You'll come to my grave?  To tell me your problems?  ...And you'll give me answers?  I'll give you what I can.  Don't I always?  ...It won't be the same, I say, not being able to hear you talk.  He closes his eyes and smiles.  Tell you what.  After I'm dead, you talk.  And I'll listen.

(Quotes, The Twelfth Tuesday, Tuesdays with Morrie)
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Part of the problem, Mitch, is that everyone is in such a hurry.

(Quote, The Ninth Tuesday, Tuesdays with Morrie)

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Age is not just decay, you know.  It's more than the negative that you are going to die, it's also the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it.

Yes, I said, but if aging were so valuable, why do people always say, "Oh, if I were young again."  You never hear people say, "I wish I were sixty-five."  

He smiled.  "You know what that reflects?  Unsatisfied lives.  unfulfilled lives.  Lives that haven't found meaning.  Because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back.  You want to go forward  You want to see more, do more.  You can't wait until sixty-five.

(Quotes, The Seventh Tuesday, Tuesday with Morrie)

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First time reading through a book

 This is an easy book to read really.  But somehow I don't really like it.  I felt it's all the rehashed ideas, phrases, and reasonings.  But apparently my mom loved it.  She immediately read through twice.  I wonder why the difference between her and I?  

The first reading through was kind a leafing through process.  Now I am going to read it again in these 2 days.  Just to find out what I've missed.  

My first impression like I phrased, it was rehashed ideas and phrases, plus reasonings.  But the problem is I'd love watching hero movies again and again, how  come I don't like to read this kind books.  I guess because I could not feel exhilarations?  

So many descriptions here reminded me of my grandpa.  Grandpa always wants to tell his story, like Morrie; unlike Morrie, grandpa's story was always how wealthy his family used to be, or how he as a young seaman working on ships; or he help setup the telephone system in the Japanese branch office while he was working in Japan, all by himself, though he has no prior knowledge of telephone system.  Morrie, on the other hand seemed to talk about about  values, how we face the death, but he did mention he want to talk about his story which is grandpa did too.  Morrie wanted to meet people and talk; grandpa was afraid to meet strangers at the end of his life, but he certainly wanted company, just company he preferred.  Morrie's death description so reminded me of how I saw my grandpa went as well.  The smile, no words, red face.  That noiseless silence at the end of life.  

Talking about death somehow made me visualize the whole thing.  And my mind just could not escape that scene.  

I will read through it again though.  I understand the strength the book wanted to give, and like many other similar books, RandyPausch's last lecture and PaulKalanithi's when breath became air came to mind, I keep wanting to get something out of them, I don't seemed to able to do it...  



Wednesday, February 03, 2021

A poem I found

 The Last Rose of Summer by Thomas Moore


‘Tis the last rose of Summer,
   Left blooming alone;
All her lovely companions
   Are faded and gone;
No flower of her kindred,
   No rose-bud is nigh,
To reflect back her blushes
  Or give sigh for sigh!

I’ll not leave thee, thou lone one,
   To pine on the stem;
Since the lovely are sleeping,
   Go sleep thou with them.
Thus kindly I scatter
   Thy leaves o’er the bed
Where thy mates of the garden
   Lie scentless and dead.

So soon may I follow,
   When friendships decay,
And from Love’s shining circle
   The gems drop away!
When true hearts lie withered,
   And fond ones are flown,
Oh! who would inhabit
   This bleak world alone?

小龍蝦歌唱的地方 觀後感

 Where the crawdads sing afterthought


I will not say anything about the plot, because I knew the plot before reading the book and I think it weakened the impact for me.  

I thought it is very good at describing nature, how nature enrich people's life.  I liked the way it jumped from different times of the protagonist's life.  This way of writing kept me engaged.  There were detective element and court room drama, which I read some reviews saying it was weak, I tend to agree.  But they were interwoven into a nicely paced rhythm.  I thought it was nice.  

I thought it was a heart warming story.  These people helped the protagonist with compassion in a way not intrusive at all.  The people in town however were merely decorative.  

I thought the poems in the story were kind weak.  The romantic love plotlines were a bit weak as well.  The best story line were between Tate and his father, the description of them together was fascinating to me, as well as Jumpin' and the protagonist.  

I already know the ending before reading the story, and because of this, I tried to see if I could find the clues during reading.  But I could not, except 1 clue.   

I felt the languages used in the book was quite poetic, saved from poems used by the protagonist, I thought those were weak, except the last one.  I felt the ending was a bit rushed because it was concluded in a summary style.  Of course, knowing it before hand was a mistake...  

I was reading how LouisePenny created the character of detectiveGamache.  She said she created a male character with all the traits she admired.  I felt the author for this book did the same thing too. 


The only poem I thought was good written by the protagonist:

The firefly

Luring him was as 
easy
as flashing 
valentines.
But like a lady 
firefly 
They hid a secret
call to die. 

A final touch,
Unfinished; 
The last step, a trap.
Down, down he 
falls,
His eyes still holding
mine 
Until they see 
another world.

I saw them change. 
First a question,
Then an answer,
Finally an end.  

And love itself
passing
To whatever it was 
before it began.