隨便亂聊

1.  昨天媽媽翻開世界周刊, 看到一個題目, 要把謝謝和感恩時常放在心上.  他立即反應, 舅舅就應該這樣做.  今天走路時, 媽媽說, 我還不敢說舅舅把我當仇人, 可是他卻是把我當陌生人看待.  我非常痛心聽到這些言論.  幾週前, 舅舅到我們家來, 因為我可以幫他打電郵給台灣的律師.  南昌街的事, 媽媽一定在場的.  他們兩之間的互動, 讓我這個打字員很不好受.  真的, 在衝突的面前, 我是倒塌的房子.  我完全無力面對這樣的情況.  如果是我面對衝突, 我選擇完全避免, 如果無法逃避, 那唯一的解決之道就是消滅衝突的對象.  但是, 衝突的兩造, 是我的親友, 我實在是痛苦極了.  我感覺母親就是會戳舅舅的缺點, 而舅舅應對的辦法就是逃避.  逃避就造成距離, 鴻溝逐漸形成, 在外公來的日子裡, "溝" 更進化成峽谷...  母親大概並不覺得自己在攻擊舅舅, 母親總是說自己說的都是事實.  舅舅, 那更不用說了, 因為他自己很會講道理.  道理者, 可以是理由也, 可以是藉口也, 都是表面的事實.  用這些事實, 理由, 藉口, 是填不滿峽谷的. 

----------------------------

2.  flying scotts man, is a good movie.  I just finished it.  It is ridiculous to see the cycling bureaucratic rules.  unbelievable.  the flying scotts man's struggle is also very genuinely preserved.  I like it. 

---------------------------

3.  昨天看了養鴨人家.  李行拍的.  實在很好.  劇情和人物都很飽滿.  劇情的鋪陳稍微舊一些.  但是, 鏡頭的拍攝我覺得滿好.  我覺得無論是龍門客棧, 俠女, 還是這部, 都有很實在的味道. 

無題

黑色的土壤淹蓋了女兒白色的臉龐,
我鮮紅的心陪著他躺下,
土一粒一粒往下灑,
那薄薄的黑色隨著心跳動,
直到我的淚水滴下壟起的墳墓. 
悲傷, 與我同行. 
心臟,停止振動. 

這裡有藍天綠樹,
我卻走在黑色柏油路;

我有安靜的外表,
眼神卻是狂暴風雨的神態.  

或許有一天,你也將走散.
可是,眼前, 只有淚水.
和你, 和我, 一起做伴. 

郊外的晚上

莫斯科郊外的晚上

 

"Moscow Nights" (rus. Подмосковные вечера (podmoskovnie vechera))

 

by composer Vasily Solovyov-Sedoi and poet Mikhail Matusovsky in 1955; 薛范譯成中文

 

Original singer, 弗拉基米爾·特羅申Влади́мир Константи́нович Тр́ошин (Vladimir Troshin)

 

 

俄語歌詞

中文歌詞

Не слышны в саду даже шорохи, Всё здесь замерло до утра, Если б знали вы, как мне дороги Подмосковные вечера. Речка движется и не движется, Вся из лунного серебра, Песня слышится и не слышится В эти тихие вечера. Что ж ты милая, смотришь искоса, Низко голову наклоня? Трудно высказать и не высказать Всё, что на сердце у меня. А рассвет уже всё заметнее, Так, пожалуйста, будь добра, Не забудь и ты эти летние Подмосковные вечера.

深夜花園裡，四處靜悄悄 樹葉兒也不再沙沙響 夜色多麼好，令我心神往 在這迷人的晚上 小河靜靜流，微微泛波浪 明月照水面閃銀光 依稀聽得到，有人輕聲唱 多麼幽靜的晚上 我的心上人，坐在我身旁 偷偷兒看著我，不聲響 我想開口講，不知怎樣講 多少話兒留在心上 長夜快過去，天色蒙蒙亮 衷心祝福你，好姑娘 但願從今後，你我永不忘 莫斯科郊外的晚上

random blabbering

I can't even say things to myself.  I think about it.  I told myself to write it down, but I refuse.  Oh, look, this guy is without words.   I am tired of watching myself, hearing myself. 

i just watched liam neeson's new movie, non stop.  it's pretty good. it really made a pickled situation for the protagonist.  and it is very interesting that film maker manipulated audiences intentionally.  It made me keep guessing who was the real villain towards the end.  My mom watched it with me.  it's funny that she even had a dream about it that night. 

I could not sleep well.  i am super charged sexually in the morning.  It is not pleasant at all, in fact it's hell.  it felt almost getting out of hand.  I so wish for intimate relationship, and I also kept trying very hard to get away from it.  Not that I had any chance...  lol 

When charlene asked me to go to movie last  week, I almost turned it down.  But i did not.  It felt very strange to go to movie besides myself, or my accompanied by my Mom.  woburn showcase cinema was awesome though.  After  the movie, and we went our separate ways, it's excruciatingly lonely, even now. 

xiaobao called me today again.  i thought he was joking last friday.  but it is not.  of course, his mom really wish to talk to my mom.  it's the reason why.  I was very tired today, so my voice must sound sleepy.  xiaobao hung the phone very shortly.  i did not know what to say then, but right now, i'd like to talk.  but he ain't calling. 

i had a thoughts today.  i haven't talked to wendy for a long time, i felt.  it's really sad.  with her, i felt i was mentally, academically challenged.  it stimulate my spirit quite a lot.  although it usually went into a stalemate.  but it was still exciting.  it's a shame really. 

charlene wanted to watch another this past friday night.  I said no.  i forgot that i had to go to aldi with my mom that night at first.  so the reason of turning down was simply because, i felt uncomfortable to go.  I was afraid. 

i watched the hobbit2.  it was much better than the first one.  maybe it was because the characters were more flashed out than the first one.  but most importantly, it's less of a drag. 

隆隆舅舅的來訪

星期天的晚上, 我去舅舅家吃飯.  毛請的客.  人數很少, 只有我, Michelle 和 Piper.  飯後, 和毛他們玩 3D puzzle.  舅舅走過來說隆隆舅公明天要來吃飯.  隆隆舅公之前就要來了, 但是, 身體一直出狀況, 都不能來.  年初到現在從頭到腳檢查出各種病狀.  如今他奈不住了.  所以星期一, 他一定要來.  舅舅叫我跟媽媽說.  沒過多久, 媽媽也到舅舅家來.  我跟媽媽說了隆隆舅公的事, 媽媽就進去問問舅舅. 

星期一一大早, 我下樓後, 媽媽說他四點就醒了, 因為他突然想到, 沒有給隆隆舅公準備回頭禮.  所以他一大早六點就給舅舅打了一個電話, 提醒他要買回頭禮.  舅媽接的電話, 似乎也沒多說啥.  媽媽以為他們一定會去買了.  我那時心裡在想, 未必吧...  舅媽鐵定不在乎啥回頭禮, 舅舅我是不確定, 但是, 七早八早的, 哪去買回頭禮? 

我下班回家後, 媽媽就跟我說了早上的情況.  媽媽說他自己還晚一點去, 隆隆舅公卻早到了半個小時.  媽媽去的時候, 看到外公竟然穿著睡衣見客, 大吃一驚.  之後, 聽說舅舅壓根兒沒跟外公提隆隆舅公來的事情.  隆舅公提早半個小時到, 每個人都手忙腳亂, 外公甚至不記得隆舅公是誰.  問了好半天, 才好像有點印象.  隆舅公帶了好些禮物來.  媽媽說, 他們啥都沒有準備.  回頭禮早就拋到腦後去了.  哦, 還有今天五點四十分要到舅家吃東西. 


我院子澆完水後, 就和媽媽去舅家.  原來今天是舅媽生日, 毛昨天託了 Michelle 的媽媽去中國城買的.  我們先吃蛋糕.  一邊吃, 外公講話沒完沒了.  話題離不開一個 "禮" 字.  愈講愈激動.   這之後, 他講話也愈還愈針對舅舅.  之後連舅舅也受不了,跑到外公耳邊大聲解釋某某事情.  外公到最後還是把溫加保請出來, 常識也說出來.  我就逃走了. 

不知怎的, 我感覺外公是在生氣.  不過這頓飯的收穫是老王的打滷.  他把豬肉, 胡蘿蔔, 茄子等等切成細絲, 先炒肉, 撈出來後, 接著炒茄絲.  後來再蔥薑, 胡蘿蔔, 肉絲, 茄絲, 等等炒在一起, 加高湯,  快好的時候, 勾芡, 灑蔥花.  非常好吃, 我們配著麵吃.  媽媽昨天就做了一回, 非常成功! 

laylay's lament

公司裡的新人今天下午要寄一個東西.  他不會寄.  因為我和倉庫裡的夥伴把肥待克斯的軟件改過了.  這個新人不斷打電話給張姓工程師.  張正在開會不能走開.  我想幫幫新人.  正在看的時候, 他氣氣的走了, 說, 我不管了, 乾脆交給張自己去弄.  但是, 實際上, 他走時, 還丟了一堆話.  他很不爽快的說, 他來這個公司的時候, 他是想做 logistic 的.  因為他將來上研究所要走這一方面的路.  可是他進來時, 公司早有了另一個人, 孫在做這個工作.  結果, 現在他覺得他現在 logistic 做不多, 倒是一天到晚來倉庫!  他覺得自己好像打雜的. 

我立刻可以感受到他的情緒.  鬱悶.  大材小用.  我很同情他.  因為我了解這種感受.  但是我無說啥. 直到現在, 這不爽的感覺還在影響我.  使我不得不寫一寫. 

我並不太喜歡這個人.  人不笨, 但是太家懷.  其實, 一開始工作的人都或多或少的有點這樣.  可是說話的時候, 實在太沒有講究了.  我想, 會不會是因為他覺得我很好欺負才對我說這些話.  我打賭, 他絕對不會對我倉庫裡的夥伴說這些話.  他對老闆娘也不會.  他會跟工程師撒嬌, 但也不會說那些話.  因為這些事, 我不大喜歡這個人.

他目前在這公司的定位其實是很不明顯的.  這種情況是會讓人煩惱.  打雜的感覺是一定會有的.  因為他如果遇到困難就大大抱怨, 或說洩氣的話, 別人又如何給他重要的事情?  並不能說, 他工作不認真.  他人聰明, 交給他的又都是簡單細瑣的事.  他常常跟我說, 他沒事幹了...  因為都做完了.  很可惜的, 聰明一再被證明, 只是一個小螺絲.  每個人, 又都有一些小螺絲. 

我現在想想, 他說這話和我們最近新的後勤經理上任有滿多的關係.  他可能會有點害怕.  之前, 都是張當他的上司.  現在, 來了一個白人, 他曾經說, 新的經理啥也不懂,他自己呢, 也是.  我想, 對這種情況的未知, 可能比他對自己大材小用的焦慮更甚.  至少目前是如此. 

Last game this year

I watched NDA's last game this year.  I watched at my brother in law's house.  The game was recorded on Sunday.  I watched it on Monday.  Before the game, my sister and her husband told me not to read the scores.  Well, I can't help it.  I was happy about sper's win in the morning. 

But that happiness was changed to dismay and sadness after watching the game.  The total melt down of the Hit team was disastrous.  After four years of championship games, they were struggling both mentally and physically.  I meant really struggle.  To see sper win was great, but to see a great beast being slew was somehow so, very sad.  The beast seemed to be too old.  The whole team mechanism just gone.  The king fought, but with both of his wing men wrecked, the king was naked.  I think Hit's team philosophy was none, except , defense, and gave ball to the king, or the wing men.  Now, the wing men were of no use, the king cannot score, then, defense was gone too. 

The king lost confidence in his wing men.  A lone warrior, cannot fight without his horse, spears, and his shield.  This game was so sad.  Watching the king trying to score alone.  It was really weird.  I have no hard feeling towards Hit.  But I did wish sper to win, for they deserved it last year.  But the way, Hit was defeated, not by putting up a fight, was astonishing. 


Hit was not a complete team, in my opinion.  Even with Bulls, there were main scorer, best wing man, and an inside presence.  Hit, had only scorer, wing man, and no inside presence.  They did bring some people in, it's not that the ball club did not learn anything from their very fortunate championship last year.  But I doubted the coach,  and the trio, utilize the change well throughout the year.  And with Trio's salary cap, even the change did not have good chemistry in the mid of the season, the club simply could not find good money to make additional change. 

Anyway, it's just very sad.  Whenever, Hit got the ball, there's no ball movements, except when moving with the king.  In the other hands, Sper move the ball with lightening pace.  Tim can still dominate the mismatch, but that did not happen with Hit at all.  It's the king in every possession!  Even if Baush was guarded by Tony Paarker! 

It was one of the most horrendous game I've seen.  I saw that kind of game with Bulls vs. Jazz.  But Jazz would bounce back in the next game!  Sad to watch. 

empathy too much?

I found and article talking about over empathizing.  Interesting article.

Empathy: How Much is Too Much?

Linda is twenty-seven years old, lives in Boston, and is a professional nurse. She works at a respite unit at Boston’s Health Care for the Homeless. She provides direct nursing care (treatments and assessments) to patients and is also responsible for staff development and education.

Growing up, Linda led an unconventional life. She grew up in Washington, D.C., in the 1960s, a time when “people were speaking out,” especially about ending the Vietnam War. Her parents were divorced, and she was raised predominantly by her mother, who, as Linda describes, had a “strong ethic to be an active member in society.” Her mother worked to help inner-city mothers develop parenting skills. She often brought children home with her. This interaction and, in particular, learning about where these children lived, was an “educational experience.” Linda also mentions that her father, a clinical researcher, had “similar values,” and often “overextended himself to patients.”

As a child, Linda was not engaged in a lot of “structured activities;” rather, she spent a lot of time outdoors. Starting at the age of eleven, she lived in Vermont for two years as part of a commune specializing in political activism through theater. As a group, everyone in the community traveled together, performed, and got paid. Linda says that she was often “taunted” because she was “from the city.”

As a child and young adult, Linda faced many challenges within her family. Her mother and sister were both mentally and emotionally unstable. Linda’s mother suffered from a lot of “emotional pain,” and her sister had “addiction problems.” Linda fi rmly believes that “pain brings empathy.” By helping her mother and her sister she learned to “reach out and help others.” Her sister’s illness pointed to a “compelling need” for education and leadership around addiction and mental-illness issues. From a young age, Linda realized that “we’re not all born with the same capacities, and we should help those in need.” As a child, she was intrigued in reading about the Holocaust and learning about individual experiences. Even today, she fi nds herself in “awe” of the human spirit.

Though her adolescence was “troubled,” Linda “persevered” in spite of difficult circumstances. At the age of sixteen, she got her own apartment and managed to get a job in a lab. Since then, she has worked in service of others. Because of her own ability to manage, Linda feels a sense of “hopefulness” for others. Linda feels an “obligation” to do as much as she can and to use the strengths she has been given. She believes in working hard and not taking resources for granted. Linda talks about her need to help others. She doesn’t necessarily do it because she wants to; she does it because she feels she has no other choice. She explains:
The other night in Jamaica Plain, I was walking down the street and a homeless man who I’d worked with at the respite program… looked up at me and said, ‘Hello, Linda!’ And, you know… that [was] very powerful to see-and I think it was maybe a year since I’d seen him and fi ve years since I’d worked with him as a nurse. But the connections that you make with people and the needs that you’re able to help them with… depending on who you are as a person, and what you need for your ego in life, I guess, being able to meet that kind of need for another human being meets a need for me.

At the same time, developing these kinds of relationships and over-empathizing with people can be risky. Linda says:

If you choose to work with people who have really extreme, unmet needs, and you empathize to such a large extent, you [can] take on their sorrow, their sadness, and then you’re not going to be able to do your work as effectively, plus be really down and depressed a lot of the time… and it’s interesting: where do you draw the line between professional goals and barriers and then personal? I mean, I don’t know. It’s hard.
Linda speaks from experience. She describes a relationship with Roberto, a patient from Guatemala whom she met at Healthcare for the Homeless and with whom she developed a “very strong, therapeutic relationship.” After he was no longer a patient, she reached out to be a sup-portive presence in his life. Roberto did not speak much English, had no family in the United States, and was struggling with alcoholism, loneliness, and depression. Linda’s boyfriend (also a nurse) befriended this young man as well, and both felt as though “Roberto was getting closer to making some major changes-decisions in his life that would be positive changes, and making contact with his family.” (He had been out of touch with them for a long time.)
Particularly in light of these positive changes, Linda was shocked to learn that Roberto had drowned in the Charles River. Linda and her boyfriend worked hard to make all the arrangements for his funeral and burial, which they strongly felt should be held in Guatemala. They tracked down his family members’ telephone numbers from one of her old phone bills and Linda called his sister (with whom she later “developed an incredibly strong friendship”). They also called anyone and everyone they could think of to ask for donations so that his body could be sent home. Linda says, “Roberto would want to be home with his family, and his family would so much want to have his body buried at home.”

Linda and her boyfriend orchestrated every detail, knowing that they would be unable to make the trip to Guatemala to be present at his funeral and burial. She explains how she observed this very difficult day from a distance:

Even though I had reservations about churches- [reservations] built from a lot of stereotypes in society about organized religion—I went that day [to a Jesuit Urban Center], and a portion of the service… was in Spanish, which I just was so moved by, I mean I was in tears pretty much the whole service, but I felt so much support there… I… needed a place to be able to have those feelings of sadness. And I think maybe a lot of people in that setting could understand because maybe a lot of people do turn to religion for support in times of real sadness as well as other times, but for me, it made a big difference in a horribly tragic situation.
As a result, Linda frequently visits the Jesuit Urban Center for a sense of belonging and support. In her words, she “found religion” as a way to handle the death of her close friend and former patient.

Linda reflects on her need to empathize with those in need. As much as it helps those that she serves, she realizes that it serves her own needs as well. She recognizes the potentially damaging effects of this need:
My whole life, I’ve really liked to reach out to people in need and that can be a good thing and it also can also be a dangerous thing because you can never meet everyone’s needs-you have unmet needs in the world, or you’ll end up not even existing yourself, only existing in that context. And that’s a dangerous thing, and not a very healthy thing.

Even though she is in the service industry, Linda describes dangerous “risks” inherent in her work. These include “losing balance” as well as over-committing to and overempathizing with people and “taking on their sorrow and sadness.” In her work, Linda believes, it is important to have “balance” and “empathy” and, at the same time, to “know your limits.”

(Source:  http://www.thegoodproject.org/good-work/the-good-work-project/the-goodwork-toolkit/sample-narratives/empathy-how-much-is-too-much/)

randonma

I played basketball yesterday.  I felt so lost at the end.  The first game I played with one of the good player in the group.  I was doing okay.  Then I switched team, and that was a horrible loss.  I blame myself a lot.  I don't recall we scored single basket.  The problem was the point guard position, which I think I should take it.  But I practically gave up the the position to whomever.  I felt horrible about it after the game.  Horrendous, in fact.  I can sum up many excuses as usual.  But I am not gong to say much here.  The feeling lingered even today.  I could only work with 10% of what's left after the feeling.  I so wish I could be awesome like that good player.  But I was far far off.  But most of all, I lacked the heart. 

I did not play well in ping pong at work these few weeks.  I think my sleeping habit need a bit straighten out. 

--------------------------------------------

I got large carpenter ants in the ground at my backyard.  I am thinking of how to get rid of it.  

-------------------------------------------

It is horrendous that to feel like I am in a deep hole.  No help at all.  completely cut off. 

-------------------------------------------

My mom is on the verge of breaking down.  I think.  Seeing how her father is right now.  and the conflict thus aroused between her and her brother is taking a great toll.  But I've always over think of this thing.   If my mental process is a high way.  The road sign always showed downhill, and slow down signs.  lol. 


-----------------------------------------

The good player we played yesterday, said something funny.  a phrase, "chinese modesty".  my sister was showing a friend the proper shooting form, that player was around, and said, "ah, you are a good Basketball teacher."  my sister, know how good a player he is, said something modestly.  I think that's how it went down.  I felt a bit detest in his voice.  I can immediately know why.   Mother's father is living with uncle.  I know exactly how annoying that could be.  The annoyance lies in that it's not sincerely.  I would say something like that too.  I saw my grandpa kept telling uncle's friends how bad the food were in the party at my uncle's house.  It was so annoying.  Chinese modesty.   Grandpa would not behave that way with my mom and my uncle privately.  That modesty is a mask.  What lies beneath it was not really a feeling of modesty, but a need to show off more, or to get people to like him.  That being said, I still do not have other ways to express.  There is no need to boast either.   I want to be right on target. 

My sister explained how she learned the right posture for shooting basketball afterwards.  Then, people would forget what she said. and so would she. 

But this thing got me thinking. 

-------------------------------------------


客氣, 是一種禮貌.  但是, 極度的客氣, 不是.  適當的客氣, 可以與人融洽的氣氛.  也可以有真誠的感覺.  我現在又再說啥哩?  我豈不是對昨天的那場球賽懊惱嗎?  現在說到客氣和昨天的事情有關嗎?

我一字也不說, 坐在電腦螢幕前.  可是卻感覺, 電腦螢幕離我愈來愈遠.  

life so far

I started to have a regular job.  But every problem that I have is still there.  I was never naive about having a job at first, and all my problems would soon go away.  I can also foresee that every troublesome scenario in my head.  Now I filled my life with work.  I pushed myself to see some the real nakedness, I could not fulfill that emptiness.  All the things I personally want to do, no matter how little, I could not push myself to do them.  Whenever, I was with myself, My head just went blanc.  I wake with a dreadful dreadful sadness every morning.  I still wish to die.  But I know I will not do it.  Because, I don't do anything I myself want to do.  Instead, I wait.  Until one day, the world came which he already did.  Regular job was first step.  But didn't I want a regular job?  Yes.  But I do what job said.  Then after that 8 hours. Nothing.  Not a thing.  You have no idea How much Hate for myself.  Nada! 

The situation should be ransomed easily.  right?  right.  Just fucking do it already!  NO, but there're excuses, I don't want to be uncle.  I don't want to be my dad.  I don't want to be my mom.  I am all those people that I know of, with their worst attributes in me.  do I blame them?  No, I blame myself.  I feel I see, but I do not.  Blind as I am, what  I say, could only reflect a blind man's visual.  Blanc.  

movies so far

I watched a few movies lately. 

saving mr. banks.  It's a biopic about author of mary poppins.  I liked it a lot.  The movie used the conflict between Mr. Disney and author of Mary poppins to grind out the story.  Emma's performance was top notch.  Tom was great also.  The movie made me watch mary poppins again.  Although I am still not that into mary poppins, I focused on different parts of the movie than before.  For I always thought the story was a bout the two kids.  But it was indeed about the Father. 

Riddick.  I love pitch black.  But the subsequent Riddick movies were obsolete.  The trailer of this movie seemed to bring the pitch black memory back.  That gave me incentive to see the movie.  It was a disaster still.  They indeed tried to bring Riddick to pitch black root.  But they could not stage enough challenge and mystery to Riddick anymore.  2 teams tried to hunt Riddick, plus a storm that would bring monsters out of slump to kill Riddick.  It sounded weird that it's not challenge enough.  Somehow it failed.  some of the scene was even comical and cheesy.  Very sad. 

enough said.  I liked this movie.  The two lead characters have good chemistry.  I kind know where the plotline was leading to, however, the intricate characters in the movie made me care for them.  The audience can sort of feel what those characters were feeling.  The empathy helped to lift the movie out of a possibility of cliche. 

Rush.  it was such a good movie.  It's another biopic about two formula drivers.  I think it had a great narrative, so that two characters were drawn with real blood, and the audience can feel their pumping hearts.  It did not try to avoid their character flaws.  I consider the plot line to be really difficult.  But the director and the writer somehow fused two fierce characters in a single story, but neither characters got outshone.  They somehow complement each other and made each individual standout more than if the picture was about just one of them. 

5 minutes of heaven.  I always thought this movie would be too depressing.  But it turned out to be a very good thriller.  The Mr. Nesbitt was incredible.  He was the fire, or engine of the movie.  Mr. Neesam did a great job reflecting that heat.     The let down was when they lifted the thrills.  The way they lifted the thrill was a bit cheap.  But at the end, I liked the movie, because it finds a way to relieve. 

book thief.  It was another movie about nazi period.  It was a engrossing movie.  It used that time period as a backdrop, but it was actually a movie about growing up.  The lead actress was very good.  two supporting casts were awesome.  The plot line did not have exaggerated emotions.  But it quickly drew me in with interesting characters, little secrets. 

有趣的話

I was learning to drive a forklift.  After I pulled a pallet and transported it to a place then put it down.  I tried to back up.  The first thing I did was not pressing on gas pedal.  I tried to turn the wheel first.  For in my mind, I kept thinking that it's different with forklift when it comes to turning comparing to a regular automobile. The instructor immediately stopped me and asked why I turned the wheel first when I have no idea which way was my wheel turned to.  I suddenly realized what he meant.  We have to try to move the forklift first, to feel which way my back tire was turning towards.  Then, I can decide, how much turn I need to adjust.  I felt it's a great lesson for life as well. 

I can't really say what's the lesson for life yet.  But I will record here, for later elaboration. 

it is from a friend

我有一個美國友人.  他是一個黑人.  有一次他到大陸去.  他見到的大多數大陸人都問, 咦, 你是非洲哪個國家來的?  我這朋友說, 我是美國人.  這些大陸人卻都說, 你是非洲人.  他很是懊惱.  那時候, 大陸和日本正在因為釣魚臺鬧個不休.  我那朋友有一天終於忍不住了, 和一個老說我朋友是非洲來的大陸人說, 你看起來不像中國來的.  那個大陸老兄很驚奇, 說, 那我象哪兒來的?  我朋友說, 你明明就是一個日本人!  那個大陸人馬上大聲否認!  我是中國人, 你為啥說我是日本人!  那你為啥說我是非洲來的?  我朋友也反問道.  大陸人卻沒有想到其中的關聯.  他就一直在替自己辯護... 


-------------------------------------

我有另一個歐裔美國友人.  他和他太太很相愛.  他太太也是一個歐裔美國人.  有一次, 他們到大陸去工作.  結果, 走到哪兒, 他們都很受歡迎.  尤其是那位美國友人.  他長得很高, 臉也有書卷氣.  結果, 他們回來說, 大陸令他們倆滿害怕的.  因為, 不只一次, 好些大陸人問他要不要結婚.  他回答, 我有太太了.  那些大陸人說, 那是你的美國太太, 你應該也要一個中國太太... 他走到哪, 都要把他太太的照片掛出來, 表示謝絕別人這方面的一切美意...  從此, 他和他太太更相愛了. 

--------------------------------------



我以前聽說, 大陸人的一些傳聞.  我都不怎麼相信.  可是, 現在, 我實在不得不信...  令人咋舌!  當然, 這兩位朋友, 去的地方都相對偏僻一點, 不是北京, 上海之類的大地方.  卻不得不令我感到驚訝. 

TIKITIKITIKI

I watched a movie titled, Kon Tiki.  It was a movie about a true event happened in year 1947, I think...  I watched it because I saw someone compared the movie to life of pi.  In the comparison, that someone said true event is better than an imagined story however beautifully shot.

I like life of pi a lot, I mean a lot.  So, I detest that statement.  I immediately reserved the movie version of Kon tiki at library.  I also rent the documentary about kon tiki.  The documentary was shot during the true voyage of kon tiki  by the scientists involved in the journey in 1947.  It won best documentary in the subsequent Oscar for best documentary.  In a period of political calamity, it really stood out in many levels.

But as I delve in deeper, after I watched the movie.  I was a bit distraught.  The movie version of the event was a fairly standard movie, in my opinion.  For in reality, the journey was well provided by the US military.  Since US military wanted to test many things in the journey, including newly developed ration, even experimental shark repellent.  The local Peru government supported the journey as well.  For national pride, of course.  And for the story's sake, the director and script writers had to engineer a weak character to create conflict.   This artificial act not only made the movie conventional, it felt like an easy way out.  Though I have to admit, I am a bit jaded about movies.

But what shocked me the most, was the constant message of Faith kept coming up!  It really reminded me of life of pi in some way.  These two movie really had a lot of similarity.  The wonder of sea creatures, which created many fascinated shots in life of pi, did wonder to Kon tiki as well.  And when the parrot was eaten by shark, the emotion went high.  The elements of innocence, faith, and wonder of nature, which made men small, was all there.  But that's where the similarity ended.

The difference between the two movie, I think was that Kon tiki eventually is a movie about conquering nature.  Life of pi is eventually a movie about human nature.  And that's where it bugged me.  I already know the results of Kon tiki.  The ending of the movie doesn't give me a sense of wonder.  The truth contained in the movie was watered down, especially after extended research on my part.  I also know the results of life of pi.  But it still give me a sense of larger than life experience.  Because the message was not about the result.  On the contrary, it was the process.

I've kept pondering on the message of life of pi.  I've written two journals about it too.  But I could not come to the conclusion.  With Kon tiki experience, it seemed to lead me to a probable one.  Life of pi was eventually a growing up movie, a boy becomes a man.  During the process, changes happen.  When I was reading quote from the movie on rottentomatoes.  Most people quote this one,  

"Adult Pi Patel: I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye."

It is this quote, that let me realize at the end what the movie was about.  

Kon tiki, on the other hand, did not have such message.  No one can deny the bravado of the men who's on the journey, especially the scientist who started the journey and cannot even swim!   But it is the limit of a movie portraying a true event.  Because that true event was only a medium to a message, or an illusion.  If the message failed to deliver its importance, or the illusion failed to deliver its magnificence, then the whole movie flopped. 

All these negativity is not intended to belittle Kon tiki.  For on its own, it had a calm and old style pace.  It felt like a gracious glide on the surface of  a deep blue sea under sunny sky.  I do think it's a missed opportunity though.  I believe it could be better. 

對話

今天又發了一次巨大的脾氣.  每次發脾氣都要毀壞一些東西. 那不然怎麼辦?  爲了五塊錢,值嗎?  以後, 又爲老媽增加材料.  這可以選擇的嗎?  我今天從外面回來的時候, 頭有點痛.  So?  Your point being?  沒啥, 只是說說.  這次之前, 他也說過類似的話.  我也很不高興, 可我忍了下來.  今天不知怎地就是壓不下去.  為了五塊錢哪...  我五塊錢拿回來了.  這都是外公的錯.  也不見得.  那是誰的錯?  爲啥一定要找碴呢?  那不然怎麼辦?  我可沒有不在乎錢.  Who cares?  說話不是嗎?  認真哪?!  現在是這樣說啊.  那時, 你在哪?  我在想佩蘭阿姨下午的那通電話也有關係吧?  有.  爲啥呢?  總是感覺別人輕視吧?  大概有一點...  那怎麼辦呢?  都是錢的錯.  可能也有點忌妒外公吧?  我看是很有一點.  是的, 他只要稍微稱讚一下老媽, 老媽就心花怒放.  我是不能比的.  每次都是錢.  錢, 錢, 錢，錢.  沒辦法讓老媽高興.  只有不斷的讓他失望.  失望.  想想, 那時在大學的時候, 小瑋一有事就打電話來, 我在那邊一點辦法都沒有.  心情壞透了.  自己的事情也處理不好.  沒法和別人相處.  最後回家了.  回家的 shock.  Yeah, talking about shock...  現在只要發脾氣, 都是因為我的 "病"! 

五塊錢...  只要我發脾氣一定是我的錯.  他說他道歉了.  每個人都可以看的出來, 他也不是真心的.  他以前說小瑋從不真心道歉.  他這次也差不多.  而且每次發脾氣, 老媽都變的像一堵牆.  他會在我發脾氣的時候說, 這樣發脾氣是不對的.  東西都打壞了, 價錢不只五塊錢.  爲啥要發脾氣?  只是一句話而已.  都很像外公.  老媽上次在外公面前大發脾氣, 跺腳, 外公保持著笑臉, 最多說, 別發脾氣, 父女嘛, 說說話而已...  就是為了外公, 也爲了要報帳給舅舅, 說啥一定要發票.  是的, 一個五塊錢的發票!  五塊錢的發票, 老媽說我不在乎錢!  我是不在乎錢.  應該不在乎給他看看.  我每個月必須要發五百塊錢到他帳上.  實在是不能忘了. 

我是沒辦法使他快樂的. 我很生氣這一點.  沒辦法給他安全感, 沒辦法令他感到高興.  別人都很高興的談論自己的小孩.  只有他.  可是外公稍微稱讚一句話, 他就快樂了.  我哪能跟外公比?  小孩的快樂, 是容易滿足的.  因為大人可以是常常陰天.  但是一朝出太陽了, 那總是令娃兒雀躍. 

小瑋給媽媽找來了.  我這次真的是氣瘋了.  五塊錢.  我說我送外公了.  老媽說我不在乎錢.  我要殺了外公.  我要報仇!  都是錢.   我很想殺人.  五塊錢!  我去 Target 買五塊錢的膠帶.  外公不要老媽買的一塊錢的透明膠帶.  他老人家要看不見的膠帶.  Target 賣的看不見的膠帶, 現在叫做 magic 膠帶.  我搞了半天才搞懂.  很無聊.  外公很無聊.  Target 也很無聊.  小瑋現在可以帶給媽媽一點倚靠.  他來了, 講講後, 帶媽媽一起去買菜.  媽媽回來後, 很明顯情緒波動仍很大.  可是表面克制住了.  而且有點倚靠, 終究好一點.  我也是稍微平靜下來.  我還是很不穩定.  我想老媽也是.  可是, 希望到了明天大家都忘了好.  雖說那是不可能的.  就這樣一次次的把我和老媽的關係刻損脫落. 

to do list

人生乏味的很.  除了不斷分離, 就是不斷衝突.  到處都是對立, 再不然就是對著牆冷笑.
我想了半天, 說, 如此活下去, 不如早早離開人世.  漆黑的夜晚.  正是如此行的好時光.
我又轉念其他的事情.  我死的時候會不會再看到她一面.
人家都說死前, 重要的事情會象翻書一樣.  又出現在眼前.  還有東東.  寶寶也會吧.
還是, 這眼前的影像會是我想逃跑的事物?  如果是這樣, 那是我欺騙自己嗎?
她, 東東, 和寶寶?  這時候, 我哪有時間哀嘆.
不.  我沒有欺騙自己.  這三件寶貝是我想要的. 

我要哀嘆.  重要的事又哪只這三件呢?  父母, 兄妹, 相識的人.  和各種想要做的事.
不過, 如果可以, 我豈不希望這三件呢?  我反覆的糾纏.  編織的夢幻.  豈不就為了他們嗎?
是啊.  到最後, 我還是要這三件夢幻來安慰我.  即使在死前的哀嚎中, 也不能離開.
我心中是這樣想的嗎?  是那樣寫在牆上了嗎? 

lyrics

望春風

作詞:  李臨秋
作曲:  鄧雨賢

目前流行歌詞版本
獨夜無伴守燈下，清風對面吹
十七八歲未出嫁，當（音dng）著少年家
 果然標緻面肉白，誰家人子弟
想要問伊驚歹勢，心內彈琵琶
想要郎君作尪婿，意愛在心裡
等待何時君來採，青春花當開
聽見外面有人來，開門該看覓
月娘笑阮憨大獃，被風騙不知

• 驚歹勢：害怕不好意思

最早原版歌詞
獨夜無伴佇燈下 清風對面吹
十七八未出嫁 見著少年家
果然標緻面肉白 誰家人子弟
想欲問他驚呆勢 心內彈琵琶
思欲郎君作尪婿 意愛在心內
等何時 君來採 青春花當開
忽聽外頭有人來 開門該看覓
月老笑阮怣大獃 被風騙不知

freezing cold

I went to see a disney movie called Frozen.  It was really good.  It seemed like a trend Mulan to rapunzel, from brave to now frozen.  Of all these movies, it kept showing a girl with strong will.  They  can take initiation, very active, filled with dreams and courage and ability to acted it out.  All the men are either dumb, cute, or without not much goals.  Interesting. 

But I have to say that frozen is really well made.  There's something strike me in the core.  I love the song where elsa sing about a storm inside her brewing.  I like the twist where an act of love is no longer a kiss from lovers.  I love that a true between a man and a woman is no longer a love at first sight but through experiences endured by both parties.  everyone has a good amount of motivation that audience can understand.  Compared with brave, the solution to the fundamental problem in the movie was answered properly. But of course, brave's problem was much harder to solve, because the conflict was between two main characters which was very real and direct.  The  conflict in Frozen was not really between the two main characters, it was mainly in elsa herself. 

I was surprised that this is a movie with songs.  but maybe I was being naive.  it is a disney movie, what was I thinking.  The songs were mostly ignorable though.  I was glad to see the little classic cartoon before the main title.  It's a smart remix of old cartoon and modern style.  A good throwback really.  That reminds of me old movie procedure.  I do felt a bit uncomfortable with those violence mimicked in comical way.  I felt weird, I should be desensitized against it by now.  That said something of old humor, of the old times, and of myself as well. 

某一天和其他

不怎麼想寫, 但是, 還是得找人談談.  不斷的想在自己的部落格上寫, 總是沒能夠開始.  我想有個對象, 或許比較容易寫出來. 

今天下午一點半到舅舅家.  舅舅全家不在, 我叫了兩聲都沒人, 脫了鞋子正準備往裡看看.  媽媽偷偷的跑到客廳, 從他的皮包裡拿出三四張紙給我看.  還要我別要出聲, 說, 希望外公可以睡午覺, 如果他看到我, 他又不睡了. 

四張紙上, 媽媽寫了大大的字:

1.  你一天到晚說我什麼都不懂, 我一天到晚為你做菜, 想你x什麼.  你為什麼一天到晚說我什麼都不懂.  你每天高興的事就是罵我. 

2.  現在除了老王做麵食給你, 只有我在替你想給你吃什麼.  但是, 你天天只會說我什麼都不懂. 

3.  我尊重你是我老爸, 也請你尊重我, 天下沒有什麼都懂得人, 也沒有什麼都不懂得人(除了白痴).  每個人懂得東西也許不一樣而已. 

4.  你敢罵蕭雲嗎? 

看完後, 媽媽說他今天大發脾氣.  他說自從那以後, 外公都很安靜.  他自己也躲到房間內裝睡, 希望外公也去睡覺.  所以, 我也馬上就走了. 

快 四點的時候, 媽媽才回到家.  是的, 陪了一個晚上後, 他又陪到將近四點.  舅舅, 舅媽回來後, 媽媽除了第四張紙沒給舅媽看, 其餘的都秀出來.  舅媽禮貌的回應, 說也給舅舅看, 大家都知道舅舅是不會要看的.  舅舅的反應只是, 老人都是這樣.  另外, 舅舅還說, 現在他的身體還好, 沒檢查出啥大毛病, 但是萬一他有個三長兩短, 舅媽是不會照顧外公的.  到時候, 一定是住到我們家. 

媽媽 回家後在沙發上慢慢跟我說到底是怎麼一回事.  早上我去的時候似乎都還好啊, 媽媽幫外公寫通訊簿.  媽媽說一切都還要等到中午.  中午到了, 要準備吃飯, 媽媽本來想切個肉絲, 肉丁啥的.  之前在舅舅的冰庫裡看到一塊肉, 以為可以用, 結果拿出來一看, 03/2012, 不敢用了.  又放回冰庫去.  因為不知道舅媽是怎麼樣的作業程序.  至少, 媽媽是不敢用了.  可是這樣一來, 家裡著實無啥東西可吃了.  除了早上媽媽煮的一鍋稀飯, 還有外公上星期吩咐要蒸的棗子.  剩下的, 就是媽媽昨天去老人中心做義工帶回來的一些洋芋泥.  哦, 還有媽媽昨天晚上很累的時候做的燒餅.  燒餅, 也是外公前兩個星期提到的.  他似乎懷念在蘇州出門就有燒餅吃.  他從一塊錢吃到三塊五.  所以上星期中, 我到 youtube 找了一個影片, 昨天我下班回來, 他即使很累仍堅持要做.    成品很脆, 媽媽帶了四個去, 外公說他咬不動.  媽媽也帶了一些肉鬆.  早上沒吃肉鬆, 可是現在看看實在沒啥食物, 外公也只好吃吃肉鬆.  外公說他不吃肉鬆, 因為外婆不能吃油,, 所以他這十幾年也跟著不吃了. 

在問清楚舅舅舅媽或著是毛和 Michele 不回來吃飯, 午飯也就跟著開始.  照慣例, 所有外公吃的東西都要是滾燙的.  一開始, 一盤肉鬆擺在外公面前.  洋芋泥拿在微波爐裡, 翻來覆去熱了四次, 總算夠燙了.  媽媽想, 外公喜歡吃燙的, 就把肉鬆擺開, 把滾燙的洋芋泥放到他面前.  外公看到肉鬆時已經開始唸了.  現在肉鬆挪開, 看到洋芋泥擺在他眼前, 他好像被侮辱了一樣.  開始 "教訓" 媽媽:  這芋泥是最賤的東西, 連白飯都比它強.  你啊, 就是不學, 所以啥都不懂.  竟然把這玩意兒替代了肉鬆!  接著就是長達一小時的 "訓話".  媽媽說他一開始也忍. 一小時後, 外公還在說, 他終於忍不住了, 他在紙上寫到, 我也是北一女出來的, 也在立法院做過事, 怎麼會啥都不懂.  外公看了, 笑笑, 輕描淡寫的說: "這北一女算是白讀了."  我認為這句話, 是深深刺傷他的心.  但是, 外公是不停的.  他繼續說他的.  再說下去, 不只怎地, 又講到溫家寶說的, "中國人就是沒常識!"  這句話我印象是很深的.  因為就是他講這句話, 讓在蘇州的沈阿姨笑也笑不下去, 飯也吃不下去.  而我幾乎氣的要摔筷子的那個晚飯.  媽媽這時是再也忍不住了.  手一拍在桌上, 就站了起來, 用力的寫下以上這些字句.  然後收了碗筷, 站在洗碗槽前直跺腳.  外公看到這情況, 就安靜了.  只是喃喃的說, "就父女倆說說話嘛..." 

媽媽說, 以前和外婆也是一樣.  但是講的內容不一樣.  外公是不會說外婆啥都不懂, 但是, 他會說錢.  外公會說都是因為你, 所以錢不夠用, 錢全花在醫藥費和醫生上了.  說啊說, 外婆是不回嘴的.  直到最後, 外婆受不了了, 就大發一場脾氣.  那時, 換外公安靜了.  這事媽媽不只講過一遍, 但是, 確實是這一兩年內媽媽才提到的.  之前, 他不肯談. 


--------------------------------------------------------


母 親在上星期四的時候請了外公, 舅舅, 舅媽, 和王君來家裡吃飯.  外公說要來我們家吃飯已經說了兩三個星期了.  媽媽本來因為星期二又有大雪, 他準備延期到陽曆元旦.  但是, 他說他不能等了, 不然他整天整夜的在想這事.  他前一兩個星期就在準備菜單.  一開始是甜菜湯, 後來又改.  媽媽最後的菜單是:    栗子煨白菜, 甜排骨, 涼拌馬蘭頭, 干貝花菜, 烤鮭魚, 鮭魚番茄濃湯.  那天我上班, 不在家.  前一夜, 媽媽跟我說, 很抱歉, 我明天要一大早就要做菜, 你早餐要去買麥當勞.  不過, 我早上還是有果汁泥.  他一大早就在做甜排骨, 我七點下樓他就要我嚐.  我看他汁都還沒收, 就想味道一定還沒有進去, 我就耍賴了, 說既然已經燒了個把個鐘頭, 可以大火收汁了.  汁收了, 可一咬, 我得承認, 這東西還沒夠軟.  我是可以吃了, 外公恐怕不行.  媽媽就埋怨我, 剛剛叫我嚐的!  我趕快開溜.  一路上有點自怨自艾.  我就是懶... 

我對這事是沒存啥希望的.  誰都不能知道外公到底喜歡吃啥.  充滿了悲觀的情懷.  一整天在工作的地方都不大對勁.  深怕一回去, 媽媽又要抱怨外公啥都不喜歡.  開車到家, 才在窗口就可以聽到媽媽大聲的講電話.  一進去, 他就給我看他的手指, 又是繃帶!  我說, 又切到手了?  媽媽說, 你才不知道哩.  外公從開始吃飯到兩點多鐘回去都在批評.  外公一來, 就教舅舅從一樓看到二樓.  然後開始午餐.  甜排骨, 咬不動; 涼伴馬蘭頭, "郎的", 得要拿去熱; 栗子煨白菜很好; 烤鮭魚太乾.  眾人的意見都和他不同.  照例, 東西吃吃, 又要拿去熱.  舅媽在微波爐裡熱食物都是要蓋子的.  媽媽把微波爐裡熱好的東西拿出來, 蓋子拿不下來.  他硬來, 結果碗摔到地上去.  媽媽的手指給刮破了.   他現在有個現象, 就是血很不容易止住.  大家手忙腳亂的收拾, 媽媽也把止不注血的手指頭趕快拿去沖洗消毒.  外公還在那裡不斷埋怨媽媽, 怎麼就是不給他吃魚.  後來飯上來了, 王君馬上說, 咦, 這飯裡糯米!  原來媽媽知道外公喜歡有點糯米的, 結果呢?  外公說, 這飯太硬了, 他吃不來.  接下來, 就是批評媽媽不會做主人.  講了一個小時.  干貝菜花也忘在爐上.  大家也沒喝啥湯.  舅媽早就受不了了, 坐在客廳上看書.  後來找個理由回家說要給舅舅裝去工作的便當.  一點, 舅舅回去休息, 小睡一小時後去工作.  外公說要喝咖啡.  王君怎麼會肯.  喝了, 晚上不睡覺, 王君倒楣.  最後, 折衷, 媽媽打了果汁泥, 大家喝了也高興了.  不過, 外公仍要喝滾燙的. 

媽媽昨天晚上回來刷牙, 出發去舅家前說, 舅舅說的外公還在說那個栗子煨白菜很好吃.  我說, 至少, 還有一道菜他喜歡的.  很好很好. 後來, 遇到舅媽, 舅媽說, 他爸爸要是看到他手指流血, 是一定不會像外公那樣的.  馬上要過來幫忙止血的... 

Movies I saw recently

I went back and watched some old movies recently.  Of course, there were some new ones as well.  I re watched, lincoln lawyer, once upon a time in china, and 500 days of summer.  I saw a new movie, called, anatomy of murder, made in 1959, I think.  Anatomy was very good.  All three rewatched movies were very engjoyable.