蘇州遊筆記

2013 五月去蘇州.  全程由大姨和姨丈招待.  和大姨聊了不少.  我們游走在蘇州園林裏, 大姨清脆, 爽快的聲音帶領我穿牆出戶, 不僅僅是豐富整個過程.  更是讓我坐在第一排聽了一場大戲!   他們家四個姐弟, 沒有一個如大姨能夠栩栩如生的呈現他們的人生.  耳朵幾乎 "出油"!

我們那時住在外公的公寓裏.  晚上我就把所聽到的稍稍記下.  可惜, 所記不能有十之一二.


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大姨是早產兒, 外婆六個月十搬家, 動了胎氣(好像有血?)  服了安胎劑, 七個月時還是出世了.  據說, 全身都是毛!  外婆看著, 說不要了吧...  她婆婆說, 生都生了, 還試試...  醫生說沒啥希望了...  兩三個月後, 居然活下來了.

大姨小時候,洋娃娃的頭摔破了.  她吵著要去醫院.  外婆說不行,  叔叔這時剛好回來, 就帶著大姨坐黃包車兜風,  回到家門口說, 好啦, 我們從醫院回來啦, 大姨卻不聽, 一進門又吵.  外婆那時正在納鞋底, 一聽吵, 拿起鞋底就給大姨一頓屁股, 叔叔還在旁勸....

小學時, 打肺綜合顯示針, 大姨被分錯了, 陽極的結果到陰極.  這下可好, 她生病在家好幾個月.  到了出來郊遊日, 她吵著要去玩.  不准!  叔叔在旁看了心疼, 他自己小時候多病, 也常待在家裏.  他花了力氣勸服外婆放行.  大姨高興的回來後想, 這樣出來玩真好.  於是捏造了一段.   山上好不好玩?  好玩!  山上吃好多肉, 和尚也吃好多肉.  外婆說, 很好很好.  奶奶說, 哎呦, 罪過, 罪過!  爺爺正看報,  放了下來, 說, 和尚哪有吃葷的...

另有一次, 學校要化妝.  她(大姨)知道外婆喜愛蜜斯佛陀.  大姨為了要讓同學稱讚.  她偷了化妝品.  才剛走到門外, 外婆追出來, 拿著棒子問她, 你剛拿了啥?  大姨要是說謊, 馬上一頓棒子.  她承認拿了蜜斯佛陀.  (好像就沒有被打)

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大姨說:

媽媽(我媽媽)小時候身體不大好, 生過甲肝.  還有一次嚴重的食物中毒.  當時是吃啥我不大確定.  媽媽好像昏迷不醒.  大家叫了最好的大夫, 那醫生一看說, 情況不好, 但是如果她可以撐過今天晚上, 我還是有把握治好她的.  外婆和婆婆用力看護了一個晚上, 媽媽居然沒有死!  大夫也如她自己保證的, 把媽媽治好.  不過 媽媽的生體終究弱了.  (#外公有兄弟一人, 但是, 還有其他兩個兄弟, 但是, 他們好像也是在抗戰初期, 食物中毒過世#)

那時在大陸上, 外婆最喜歡大姨和舅舅.  公公當然最喜歡舅舅, 外婆的婆婆一看這情況, 就把那一對雙胞胎(我媽媽和小阿姨)一手一個抱住說, 我最喜歡這兩個!  (根據媽媽自己的印象, 媽媽始終都記得奶奶在她小的時候, 總是跟在她後面, 拿著一個凳子.  當媽媽累了,  就趕快讓媽媽坐在凳子上)

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外婆會用大括弧, 中刮鬍, 小括弧來做數學,而不是用代數.(我也不確定我在寫啥)

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大姨如何進蘇州博物館?

大姨從崑劇團下來後去農村.  農事後, 她在農村組織宣傳隊, 都是八九歲以上的孩子.  她常常帶著宣傳隊到處宣傳.  她也負責一些農村文化事宜.
一九六七, 工宣隊進駐各級單位, 也包括文化部.  一點名, 大姨不在, 下鄉了.  工頭打電話去農村要人.  農村不放.  結果大姨一個月領不到薪水.  她連舖蓋都留在村裏就進城了.  一進城, 工宣部又不放了.  於是她在忠王府接受再教育.  一九六八年, 靈巖山展出四川劉軍閥親戚們的收租院和其他東西.  她去做講解員.  姨丈一根扁擔, 前舖蓋, 後文莉的小車, 八個月的咪咪也去了, 一去六個月.  後來她再到蘇州館一號室的講解員.  因為一堆文化部的人支援蘇北, 博物館需要人手.  有一次, 一個高幹聽到大姨的解說, 大力讚賞.  從此大姨成為正式管員.  一做卅年!

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外公在量血壓, 他把帶子裝在腕上, 這樣有用嗎?!

五月九日   21:20

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章家廿六舉家遷上海.  日本人來了, 搶燒了一大半後, 又決定回蘇州.  回老家的船上, 外公叔叔睡死了,他們的媽媽和另一位也沒及時醒,  全船的人跑光了, 因為強賊來了, 劫掠一陣後, 他們回去後, 只剩一幢老宅.  那年外公十五歲.

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大姨留在大陸不僅是外婆的決定, 大姨說, 其實是他自願的.  因為他那時認為他才從國民黨的控制下逃脫, 怎麼又要進入他們的管理之下. 另一點是他看到他母親為難的選擇.  外婆最疼大姨和老舅, 可是他又不願意拆散這對雙胞胎, 沙皮巷的街坊鄰居也七嘴八舌的談啥雙胞胎有很強的心電感應.  他也不能留下一對雙胞胎給公婆, 負擔太重.  看到這情況, 他自告奮勇了.  媽媽說, 還有一個理由, 就是大姨聽說他一個同學去香港留級一年.  所以大姨也不想那樣.  大姨聽了就笑, 那哪能構成理由.

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大姨第一次到日本, 外公帶她到百貨公司(或商場)喝咖啡.  大姨一看, 簡直富麗堂皇, 有點害怕了.  外公說他每個週末都和外婆來.  因為外婆說, 週中在家裏都忙的連坐下的時間都沒有.  只有週末這兩天各半小時的時間休息.

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中國北方人和南方人的不同(不知道是為什麼?)

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懲越戰爭:  (我記得是從燕子阿姨的先生和姨丈那邊聽到的, 但不是很確定了)

懲越戰爭一開始的時候, 不知道是由華南軍區還是華東負責.  打不好.  後來, 北方軍區上來, 才成功.

戰爭一開始, 軍隊裏沒有官階級別.  開戰後, 軍隊做出改變, 有了級別.  我很驚訝.  (不知道他們的消息有多正確)

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大陸學校的贊助費

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我晚上去大姨家沖澡, 順便上網.  我的電腦才一打開, 就看到文莉和佩蘭阿姨的來信.

於是我知道大姨行動的目的, 他早年並不喜歡嬸婆, 又怕我們整天在外公處.  明天他要帶我和媽媽去虎丘和留園也是同樣的用意.

現在是有點窩囊感, 來幫了倒忙...

( 讓大姨和姨丈花了更大的力氣, 又要照顧外公, 還加上我們.)

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今天去虎丘和留園, 有大姨和姨丈領著媽媽和我.

媽媽常向大姨和姨丈提出她對他們的擔心.  姨丈說擔心有啥用.  剛進虎丘入口之前, 我想要買回族人的餅.  大姨一把把我拉回來.  "你不怕愛滋啊!"  下山時, 我和大姨討論這問題.  最後導出現在大陸的共產主義被嗤笑, 又提不出啥主義使中國人民統合.

一路上也提到外公以前的陳阿姨可以做這麼久, 原來陳阿姨的環境非常不好.  老公的退休年金很少, 又有個兒子在上大學.  她得要這份工作.  及便有一次, 大姨看到的, 陳阿姨買了一塊蛋糕回來不是外公要的.  外公竟然把蛋糕丟在陳阿姨身上.  大姨看到了, 很替陳阿姨抱不平.  陳阿姨說: "老先生身體不舒服."  她之前是一週七天, 連大年初一都要做半天.  直到陳阿姨的兒子, 年心幾十萬, 她就溜了.  忍了這麼久, 真恐怖.　

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在逛留園時, 大姨就提到文莉的作文一直不錯.  她有一次就留園的桂花作文拿獎.  第一次拿獎, 是大姨幫她挑材料.  好像 "中國好" 之類的題材, 她也拿獎.  咪咪看了, 也想作文.  但, 老是不能拿到, 直到高中給一位老師指導才拿到獎.  本來咪咪可以選文組的, 但因老師說她數學好, 他進了理組.  實在不知道文科出來做啥.

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坐在公車回家的路上.  媽媽說和外公提回美國的事, 外公都不要聽, 我在一旁說, 我們只是打頭陣, 還又一波一波的說客要來呢.  不知怎麼提到舅舅和媽媽都是外公教出來的 "好兒女".  我說這恐怕個性大於教育, 要是大姨的話, 外公鐵定教不出來.  大姨說, 大概是喔.  她在高一時, 為了響應煉鋼, 據說香菸屁可以煉鋼, 大姨看幾個同學在觀前街撿了一天菸屁.  她拿回家準備一早帶到學校裏.  隔天一早起來一瞧, 嚇, 他和他同學的戰果不見了, 被她的祖父丟掉了!  大姨大發脾氣, 祖父一看也大罵, 還拉了祖母.  大姨一氣, 就去問老師可否搬到學校.  他約了三兩好友就搬進宿舍.  每天早上五點半起來, 跑步!  學校要求四百尺, 他練了一陣子.  還是不行.  後來他的班長說, 來, 我們半夜起來跑.  一個橢圓形的跑道, 大姨跟著班長跑.  跑到一半, 穿過中間的操場, 那兒有一沙道.  大姨, 噗的摔了一跤!  班長以手支頭, 哎呦, 樹萱啊, 你怎麼這樣子!?  後來, 大姨還是在半夜裏過關了.  之後, 八百尺, 大姨排前三名!

大姨得意的跟我們說, 你看, 訓練有用吧!  我後來也提了媽媽住校的經驗, 媽媽也很喜歡.  而且也常運動的.  <我去大姨家沖澡時就提到一張媽媽, 佩蘭阿姨, 和舅舅在海灘上的照片, 大姨說他看過的!>

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大姨吃柿子給小X 看...(I Don't know What I wrote...)

大姨在潘宅的鄰居打牌, 查籍員來, 大姨去警告鄰居(朱老太, 沈, 潘), 可是表現得太慌張, 被盯住了, 牌被沒收了.

燕子阿姨用 QQ, 無電郵!

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嬸婆為了離開蘇州, 遷籍到上海, 叔公到上海電信局(或郵局), 可是突然發起支援皖蘇的運動, 結果叔公全家搬到皖.  外曾祖父應此怪罪嬸婆, 嬸婆當時怪外公, 結果兩人罵上了.  這段是因為提到外叔工也推過手推車.  他那時到皖, 一開始只是站櫃檯, 但, 後來有推車的事就找他.  他有哮喘,對此事始終耿耿<我想事對遷皖的事>


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外公的祖母叫好親婆.  外公家在祖父輩之前經營藥店生意.  外公的祖父好像有書生氣, 臉皮薄, 不會討債.  從此家道中落, 外公的祖父早死, 留下的家也卻還夠.  好親婆撐持門面.  好親婆生過九次, 五個夭折, 三女一子留下.  據大姨說, 她的大姑婆嫁了一個很有錢的人, 為此, 好親婆籌備巨大嫁妝!  當時載嫁的船隊沿河塞了好大的一段水路?  外公的祖父是獨子, 曾在江蘇省體育會上拿過田徑某一項的第三名.  好親婆很寵外婆的爸爸.  外公的爸爸曾在天津某個銀行(好像和東山席家有關)做學徒.  但後來回來結婚後在大姊的三姑婆(錢家)做.

好親婆也很寵外公這個長孫.  據大姨說, 好親婆比外公現在更兇.  嘴巴更厲害.  不過大姨沒見過好親婆.

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據外公的回憶, 他二歲時, 他弟弟出生, 當大家都在忙的時候, 無人理它, 他就獨自穿堂入室進入大家屋裏偷了一大油蹄子!  大人發現時, 還大大稱讚他.

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咪咪到高中時, 差了兩分沒上最好的學校.  據大姨的講法, 有一世足賽, 二大姨發現有小條(有男孩子追)

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媽媽的祖母生了四個兒子.  兩個(老三老四)在抗戰時吃發霉的米夭折.  好親婆生了九個孩子, 五個夭折.  那時的孩子折損率竟超過 50%!

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其時外公和大姨是真像.  兩件事情:

1. 大姨覺得沈阿姨都無做好菜出來.  外公也是這樣說.  (其實媽媽好像也是那樣說, 她吃過陳阿姨和沈阿姨做的)<這觀點在我現在看來很可笑.  更顯得自己沒見識>

2.  前幾天我買了三個大餅油條回來.  因為外公要吃早餐.  大姨來了, 我進去準備, 聽大姨說, 咦, 這大餅沒有芝麻.  外公沒有吃大餅, 他說這個大餅不好, 他放進烤箱一熱, 太硬了, 他不吃了.

他倆都很有主見.  而且很能表達出來.  也會堅持.  媽媽這三項缺一ˊ樣, 表達.  堅持意見, 大事把持小事要看人時地.

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看到決戰江南的影評.  無看完.  但是看到文章裏對角色進行評斷, 很有感觸.  文字用得很果斷.  我絕對不那樣用.  我似乎很不願意下評斷!

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午飯時,提到外公對沈阿姨說很難聽的話.  有兩次, 沈阿姨笑都笑不出來.  最後一次是說她無法無天.  一次是說中國人多爛多爛.  我又加了一句, 外公這樣等於是不給我面子.  大姨和媽媽馬上說, 他一向如此.  這段反覆在我腦海裏.

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大姨在文革後, 1977 年時, 才被鬥!  當時大陸各地都像中央一樣要找代罪羔羊, 結果大姨被認為是毛派, 和其他兩人被鬥.  早上鬥到下午四點半, 大家要回家燒飯, 接小孩才散會.  姨丈還擔心怎麼這麼晚了?!  抱著老二去找大姨.

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姨丈小時候, 他父親會提著鍋子去挑麵擔上買麵和澆頭回來吃早餐, 姨丈可開心了.

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<這是我現在突然記起來的, 姨丈和我講過他以前在部隊裏, 那時部隊幫助鄉裏武鬥.  甚至有發槍彈給群眾.  後來事件過了, 上面要抓人, 姨丈好像還跑到上海躲了一陣子.  那是姨丈帶我去某一個寺廟時說的, 他那天一個人帶我先去吃麵當早餐, 然後上山.  我印象最深的就是那片竹林!>

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咪咪念醫最後一年, 心儀一位在蘇州念絲織品加工的東北子弟.  但是, 這位老兄的父親過世了.  在家裏的壓力下回到東北黑龍江畔.  這使的咪咪期末考五十八分.  咪咪找大姨的同事小X 的兒子做頭面, 打關係, 把五十八分變六十一分.

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本來大姨想要讓咪咪念建築.  但要交出兩幅畫, 咪咪不大會畫, 於是放棄了.  但是咪咪一個也不會畫的同學竟然進了, 一問之下, 那位同學找人帶畫.

既然建築夢沒了.  又到處找關係, 一個是理工, 一個是醫.  咪咪填自願,第一是理工, 第二是醫.

考試一發, 分數構不上第一, 第二竟然沒消息.  一問之下, 人家說他的自願亂填, 這一來又得想辦法找關係, 最後咪咪寫了一篇他自小就想當醫生的文章.  他被錄取了.  當他去問是怎麼會這樣的.  人家告訴他, 他自願亂填, 另外, 不用問了.

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今天下雨一整天, 很火大保護了我.

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圖書館看起來還不錯.  還要再去.

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我不覺得外公有老年癡呆, 但是他精神很不好, 也很不快樂.

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外公自從星期六肚子塞過後, 走路有點像蕭公公, 但他還是可以走.

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今天去嬸婆家.  他是外公的弟媳.  也是我時常聽媽提起小燕子阿姨的媽媽.
我們在那邊從九點半待到了將近三點.  這麼長的時間裏, 全部的人幾乎都坐在嬸婆的餐桌旁聊天.  大部分的聊天幾乎都是蘇州話.  我知能抓到五分之一...也許還高估了.  (嬸婆唱歌給我們聽, 一開始是黃梅調, 後來唱著唱著, 又來了紹興獻, 最後唱了兩首, 其中一首大姨跟著唱, 那是大姨和母親都聽過的, 他們祖母唱的.

一開始我們去陽台上看燕子阿姨的金銀花, 葡萄, 玫瑰, 還有其他花草.  走進屋裏, 大姨就稱讚嬸婆走路還很平穩.  母親也在旁同意, 姊妹倆必定都想到自己的老爸.  大姨就說,唉,給外公買了四足拐也不用.嬸婆一大腿打鋼釘,一個髖骨換成人工金屬.  他說剛開始走時, 是很痛的, 但愈多走愈愉快!

大家坐下來後, 燕子阿姨的大姊也來了.  燕子阿姨的丈夫也全程相陪.  他們談了那麼多, 內容包括, 不包含次序...

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外公臨睡一定是門必親自檢點, 甚至冰箱, 廚房, 浴室, 也數數弄弄, 撥撥.  抽屜也打開看看.

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外公關窗簾也有自己的一套, 他常常是半開而不全拉上了.  他說這是要讓外面也可以看到屋裏有人.

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我們在他家的時候, 外公吃很多蠶豆<我們也吃很多蠶豆, 這時節的蠶豆, 是我吃過最好吃的!>

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今早在吃雞至紐, 媽說了一個昨天讓他和阿姨笑得要死的話.  他把麵包給燕子後, 叫媽媽再去買.  要買多點.  因為小杰是蘇家的人了, 他也會拿兩塊麵包走.  媽媽笑得無法說話, 就用寫的.  我聽完就一肚子火.  大喊我是姓莊的.  我越想越氣, 媽媽完全沒想到這種事情.  嚇得拜託我小聲點, 我氣得要打電話給舅媽, 撥不通, 媽媽急得打電話給佩蘭阿姨, 佩蘭阿姨不斷說外公是有病的, 我說他沒有病後, 就無聲息了.  實在不能也不想說啥了.  之後我出去走了一早上.  走一走, 心情好一點, 一開始氣得胃脹, 後來也好一點.  午飯後, 我和媽媽去給外公買鑰匙圈.  媽媽順便去大姨家洗澡.  後來大姨給了我們一個圈.  回去時, 我們分手, 我去圖書館, 他回去.  我死等到六點半才回去.

一天都在想, 為啥那句話讓我發火.
本來我想是自我形象不夠堅固, 一聽我是蘇家的, 就大喊我姓莊.  可是現在我才知道, 我多半因為覺後, 外公懷疑我, 而我最恨別人冤枉!  恨至極矣!

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西元兩千一三年.

五月二日:  網師園, 桂花公園
五月三日:  唐宮, 平江路
五月四日:  彩官姨婆的女兒靜紅來
五月五日:  桂花公園夜景, 山唐街
五月六日:  靈巖寺, 木櫝古鎮, 高新區, 蘇州市政府
五月七日:  蘇州博物館, 忠王府, 拙政園, 獅子林
五月八日:  (章太炎故居, 曲園都只是塊牌子)(雙塔修)(圖書館)
五月九日:  拜訪嬸婆
五月十日:  虎丘, 留園
五月十一日:  彩官姨婆家
五月十二日:  周莊
五月十三日:  穹隆山, 觀前街
五月十四日:  洗澡
五月十五日:  東山(潤記)
五月十六日:  洗澡
五月十七日:  鞋子, DVD, 山塘走回家
五月十八日:  同德興, 滄浪亭, 孔廟
五月十九日

A mountain trip and an exciting discovery

我和張玉,榕,還有馬斯康新來的的劉楊去爬山.前一個星期六和玉去爬 Monadnock,他似乎很高興.  上個星期一他馬上約了 CJ 並且好像從 Don(公司新的 IT) 那邊問來了 Mt. Lincoln.

我在網上查了一下這山海拔五千多英呎.  還加上了其他幾個山頭(Lafayette, Haystack), 合起來剛好一圈, 將近十英哩(八英哩).  我有一點驚訝, 我自己徒步走過十英哩, 那還不是山路, 卻已經把我累得半死.  於是, 在出發前三天, 我把資料微訊給大家.

我們八點出發, 早上微涼, 但是有太陽.  到了一看, 哈, 就是去年我和美芳還有 Peirene 來過的.  那時, 我們沒上去, 折回來了.

我總是準備了走路的手杖, 玉準備了一大堆飲料.  劉楊(David)看起來很健壯, 榕則給大家噴蟲藥.  大家都很興奮.  這路的確是不好走的.  但是風景真得很好.  一開始的山谷有溪流.  我和榕甚至拖了鞋試試水溫, 非常的冰冷.  小蟲不斷飛在榕的身邊,另外她戴的是隱形眼鏡, 走山路, 上下下的很不方便.  但是, 她的興致很好.  玉幾乎總是走在最前面, 楊的話有時會和榕交換位置.  一開始大家只要看到好的景緻都會要拍照, 但是, 逐漸的, 路越來越難走.  一開始是泥濘的土路, 後來逐漸走在石頭上, 大的石頭, 小的石塊, 攀攀爬爬, 走走拐拐. 大家也沒啥機會拍照了.  不過爬山, 大家的話也不少.  榕問我最近做些啥, 我說都是在找工作. 他也提醒我說, 我有做過有關條碼的事情.  後來我又說, 有些公司要有 ERP 的經驗, 但是我好像沒有.  榕說, ipack 也算的!  她在登頂時也提到她男朋友九月要來,也可以來爬山.  另外, 她也提到下星期一要去集體公證做美國公民了.  她要把名字改成 Cheryl.  因為這名字在拼音上比較像他的中文英譯, 另外比較不女性化. 她做的事情和大家都不一樣, 即使在爬山,在還有體力的時候, 她也會爬到其他地方去. 

 當我和 David 在一起的時候, 他問我有關公司的事情.  在他的話裏提到, 好像公司很多人都是有關係的.  我只說了一些公司在 Transition 中, 有些舊人走了, 而新人要補上來的話.  所以公司目前來來去去, 人事上沒有很穩定.  我說完後, 心裏有點嘀咕, 不確定要怎麼回答他.  說了以上的話, 雖是客觀事實, 但是, 我清楚這不是他想知道的.  我要了他的微訊. 到時候再說吧.  不過我還滿喜歡他的, David 走得很辛苦, 但是, 沒有一句抱怨.  並不是很健談, 但是, 我覺得人滿穩健的.

這山路實在是很難走, 距離也真得很長.  可能是 Monadnock 的三倍. 上頂時, 開始吃飯, 大家都有帶點東西, 我媽媽準備了六個很好吃的 chicken salad rolls.  幾乎給大家吃光光.  我們還沒上頂的時候, 玉說他帶了炸雞塊.  結果一路上大家就把這個當笑話, 不斷說, 要趕快上去啊!  所以我們可以吃炸雞塊.  楊說他帶了開心果, 這一大圈走完, 好幾個地方都看到開心果的殼, 榕每次都開楊的完笑, 咦, 怎麼到處都是你剝的殼?  楊也馬上回答, 哎, 不是這次的, 是我去年來的時候 留下來的!  (楊是剛從 Alabama 上來兩個星期的).  吃完了, 玉馬上就想往另一個山頭跑, 可是我說, 我要睡一下.  結果當我醒來時, 所有人都找了地方在睡.  lol

我本來以為走這幾個山頭會很容易, 不就是在一個山脊上嗎?  不...  可難了.  仍是攀爬攀爬, 走走拐拐的.  但是這裡風景和山谷時又天翻地覆的不一樣.  真的像是老鷹所見的景緻角度!  以前只有在西藏看過類似的風景吧!

下山的路很困難.  我的膝蓋可以明顯的感覺到受傷了.  在山脊的時候, 榕開始拿了兩根拐杖.  楊也感到腿部抽筋, 還好有玉的運動飲料.  不過玉卻在前面催人快走. 上來時, 我們遇見好多人, 甚至有遠從魁北克開了兩天車講法國話的人.  也有好幾批中國人.  我們上來時總是和他們輪替著.  可是到了下山時, 很多人都不見了.  榕和玉走得好快, 我滿驚訝榕可以走這麼快, 因為我感覺她快倒了.  有時候, 精神可以戰勝肉體的.  我們在快要下山時, 再一次到溪裏浸一浸.  也討論一下, 到家 裏要怎麼辦, 我提議要泡個熱水澡, 還要加 epsom salt!  榕說, 好主意, 但是得要先洗一洗澡缸.  下山時, 本來停滿車子的路邊幾乎都空了.  我們回去可能要花了兩三個小時.  算算總共 12 個小時還多.  厲害厲害!

為此, 我還寫了一首詩:

We went to the mountain
Ignorant as we were
Frail as usual
How can we know
The height from low

Onward we go
Steady the foot
Through the valley and river
Ascent to the top
Mountain revealed
What eagle saw

Last step was a trial
Mixed with physical
and sore muscle
All the boulders and rocks
And the tree roots and sliding mud
And bad knees and bad ankles

Empty lot awaited us
The orange sun painted(shined)
On the mountain side
As lonely driver pulled away
His car was full
Of the people in a dreaming state
'tis the day with no regret

好玩的事, 回家後, 玉首先發了一大堆照片.  榕也跟進.  通常我都是第一個發照片.  但是, 我隔天一早五點要起來, 我只下載了他們的照片.  直到隔天下午我才發.   接著我就把照片發給我妹.  我妹看了照片就來 line 說, 這不就是她剛來美國第二年, 跟一群她的弟兄姊妹去爬的那座山嗎?!  他甚至拿了以前的照片來比較!  我也很訝異.  那年他跟去爬山, 早上六點半出發, 晚上九點回來.  回來時, 他最喜歡的牛仔褲都磨破了!  全身痠痛了一陣子.  我一直都很想試試看,  可是她始終不知道到底是哪一座山.    謎底終於揭曉了!!  這是一個 exciting discovery! 

Randoms

昨天和 mei  聊了一個小時多.  得知 Vic 的媽媽過世.  今天早上去買貓食, 順道去看看 LKK 的聚會.  總算看到 Susan, 稍微聊一聊後得知 Harry 在 Raytheon 拿到工作.  Tom 順理就被公司順留.  Susan 自己打算退休, 因為公司希望她還是可以到公司上班卅小時...

在想 CJ 恐怕是很難過...

Vic 自己照顧媽媽, 兩個弟兄根本沒幫啥忙...  我很想買張卡片送去...  可是他和 Anne 都不接我的電話...  我還是想從他們那邊確定....  le sigh

A/C problem

I had A/C problem with Honda Element.  Vic helped me once to fill my old Mazda Protege with A/C refrigerant once. So I got one from Advanced Auto.  I watched videos from Youtube and read the instruction that came with the bottle.  Then I proceed to solve my problem two days ago. 

I turned the car on, put A/C to max.  I looked for compressor first.  I can't find it.  I did not know which one was compressor.  So I gave up the idea.  I took the refrigerant meter off the bottle and put it on the low port to measure how many refrigerant had left in my system.  The needle stopped at red zone!  I was aghasted!  Because, from the research, it means my compressor was not working.  I went under my steering wheel to locate the fuse box.  In the hope that it could be a fuse problem.  Alright, I had to abandon the project and look for Mike tomorrow.  I went online and searched the cost to replace compressor, 500 for labor, 500 for parts...  Aghast! 

I went to Mike around 830 AM.  Mike has hired a new employee, named Mike as well.  I guess the garage can be called Mike'n Mike now.  :p 

I was scheduled to put undercoat for my car.  Mike raised the car and walked me through the process.  I started to do all the work, I really liked the hands on experience.  I scrubbed with the wire brush, then I coated the under parts.   After that I told him the A/C problem.   I was scared.  Mike like he always does, first test if I had refrigerant in my system.  Ooh, I had it, might be plenty too!  Then He test something I never thought of.  He located the compressor, which is right under my eyes.  Then he used a long flat head screw driver to flicker the moving part of the compressor.  It moved!  He told me, the compressor could be ok!  Then he checked the fuse box, at the engine bay, not the one under the steering wheel.  And voila, there the A/C sign showed up, in fact, it's a relay, not a fuse.  He switched the A/C relay with the horn.  Then magically, the compressor started to whine, and cold air rushed right out! 

I am thrilled!!!  

mumbling

I love her,
She is so beautiful
not just her smile
but also in the manner
and twinkles in her eyes
but most of all
her discretion
I came to know it
And I know it, She knows
what is important to her
she held on to it
gently, and never let it go
that is all i need
for the reason
I love her

舊筆記

把舊的紀錄抄上來.  也算是進步?

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六月十四日  天氣晴  八點十五分起床  (二00一)


今天早上沒做甚麼.  只有上網荒唐了一整個早上.  把自己弄得更累.  自從星期一回來之後, 就一直逞強, 到今天居然會這荒唐差點搞出毛病來!  我又開始鬆懈下來了.  我又失去警醒的態度.

每天, 我都讓我的肚子裝滿食物, 但是, 我總是忘記餵自己的腦子精神糧食.  這是個資訊的世代, 如果沒有好的精神糧食, 自己就會用大便塞滿自己的骨頭裏.  所以, 拜託要毋懈毋怠, 就必須閱讀和提醒自己.  要保持警醒的意識, 要保持流動的身體.

傍晚去麥克李家看 Gladiator, 順便吃韓國泡麵, 呼!  真辣.  Dan 和小瑋也在那裏.  Gladiator 很好看, 比我第一次看要有味道.

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六月十六日  天氣晴  八點四十分起床


昨天晚上舅舅叫跟我說了要去他們家工作.  今早他又來了.  然後當又講了一堆才回去.  媽媽在他走後要我趕快排好時間可以去工作.  我竟然還使性子!  哎, 我實在是不確定我要工作幾天, 但媽媽顯然要我全星期都做, 免得似乎沒事幹.  我實在只想嘆氣然後離開.  因為我感覺我想做得事全沒時間了.  不過我又能怎樣?!

晚上去看 Pearl Harbor, 很和的電影, 不過戰爭的場面很好, 女主角真得很漂亮.


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七月三日  天上有雲   六點十五分起來

今天舅舅一家露營回來, 我從此解脫.

晚上七點去打籃球, 打得非常濫!  感覺沒力氣跑或跳!  在 Fei 回去之前的一場球賽居然打得不大好, 可惜.

前一陣子心情非常低落, 低落到所有想做的事情都停頓下來!  真得很不值得.

我心裏有許多事情想做, 卻都做不出來.  往往心情是最大的因素.  自己也很苦惱, 應該嘗試用習慣來克服這個因素. 



 --------------------------------------------------------------------------我想, 我希望有一個女孩...



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七月卅一日  天氣晴有雲  下午四五點下點雨


今天又上網亂看, 可惜!  

從 YMCA 回來, 送浩若回家, 一路上就在說, 我要帶我媽去中國城買雞, MSPCA 不能去了.  他說我不應該這樣, 怎麼可以為了老媽而不去工作, 老媽又不是生病要看醫生.  後來回到家, 告訴媽媽說要和他去中國城, 他的反應是中午在去吧.  或許他沒有我把事情看得這麼重吧!  我媽媽老了, 我始終都記得幾天前, 我跟他在討論某一件事情, 後還我嗓門越來越大, 結果他說: "不過是跟你提醒而已, 又要罵我?!"  這句話令我心驚肉跳, 我竟然讓他感覺我在罵他.  我的確不高興, 說話很不尊重.  所以我才想用這次買雞來補償.  呵呵, 可惜這樣會讓浩若認為我不該加入 MSPCA 義工的.  我想我的確沒有像他一樣那麼認真.  我只希望我不再讓媽媽感覺我在罵他!!  至於浩若, 或許我沒有像他一樣認真, 所以我周遭的人也沒有真的很在乎 MSPCA 吧!  我或許應該展現我的熱誠給他們看.  

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九月十四日  陰雨  二00一


暑假結束至今已經九天了.  發生滿多事情.  第一件事工程的課本, 第二件是遇到 Makis.  尤其是見到牧望.  雖然早知道他要來  Umass, 我還是幾乎說不出話來.  很高興見到他, 本以為此生是不會再見此人了.

他真得沒有甚麼變, 除了頭髮染了而已.  很高興見到他.  真的.


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十月七日  二00一年晨


這一週是長週末.  室友不在.  經過前兩週的煩擾, 心情紛亂, 在昨晚達到頂點.  我真的痛恨自己, 自己的軟弱, 自己的無助, 還有那該死的自憐!  我只要一開始無端的悲傷起來, 我就開始在腦來裏, 從記憶中, 走尋找那可以安慰自己的人, 一個人我可以傾訴, 我可今今的擁抱, 我可以完完全全的擁有, 甚至佔有.  我從幼園時就已經有希歡的女孩, 駱亭; 一二年級是鐘婉玲; 三四年級是呂思樺; 五六年級時, 我已經再也說不出來我喜歡誰了.  我只是對別人說我喜歡呂思樺.  是的, 我還是喜歡那時的他, 但是不知不覺中, 呂思樺三字變成了一個代號, 一個只要是在我心裏流漣漪的女孩子的代號.  我知道那時的我和這時的我, 心裏還是常常在有感覺.  感覺偷偷的喜歡, 偷偷的思念.  可是當我發現我很難對一件事, 一個人長久的付出心血, 我告訴自己千萬不要露出一點你的心, 你的喜歡.  但我又好想真的有個人, 我可以抱著, 我可以感到擁有.  我知道在慣性的自憐裏, 我會想曾經或仍然偷偷喜歡的女孩, 輕輕地念著他的名字, 在床上抱著被子, 把頭深深的埋在被子裏.  我很想真的認識他, 但是我不行, 我一定要支持下去.  我要在達成我所有裏想之後, 再考慮這一切.  現在得我太弱, 太弱, 太弱了!  無論是身體, 心裏.  我現在會想到牧望, 也會有時輕輕念或寫他的名字.  我要告訴自己, 要放鬆.  我要自己每天在晚上睡覺時, 感謝今天的人或事或物.  就是要自己感覺安心, 不再孤獨.  人還是要注意自己的每一行動, 思想.  我相信自己是很喜歡每一個女孩子的!  但擁有又是另一回事了.  就像古董一樣, 會玩賞的人不一定買得起, 買得起得人也不一定會賞玩古董.  我現在或許很喜歡女孩, 但我沒資格, 也沒能力去喜歡, 只有一定要加強自己才正途!

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 十月七日  晚


許多年來, 不斷要求自己改變, 卻從未成功, 但也從未放棄要求.  現在常常聽到人家說 Be yourself, 做自己.  我非常喜歡這些話.  但, 甚麼才是自己?  六祖問第一個追到他的師兄說: "在你不識到德, 無事理法常時, 你是怎樣的?"  那師兄言下大悟.  現在的世界, 有人認為人性是基因藍圖的一部份, 是天生的.  我希望我可以改變, 或許天性是設定的, 但是習慣是養成的.

哎, 我也多希望可以大悟哇!



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十月十二日  晚


小瑋打電話給我, 告訴我, Dan 私自用車.  他氣得要和 Dan 分手.  媽媽接著也打了電話告訴我.  我能說甚麼?  站在朋友的立場, 我應該打電話勸告他.  我不會對他放棄, 但是我應該怎麼辦呢?人是奇怪的動物, 自己有的, 卻怎麼也不承認, Dan 現在就是這樣, 說謊的習慣.  但是如果他自己不承認這毛病, 沒有人可以教他.  不過如果這次小瑋真的決心分手, 機會不壞!  這不會好受, 但這可能在長時間來說, 是好的!

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四月卅日

知道錯而不能改是最可悲的了.  一錯很糟糕, 二錯不得了, 三錯迴不了頭.  我總是很擔心, 擔心這, 擔心那.  我總是在想, 不停的想, 尤其在床上想得厲害.  我很害怕, 害怕自己去做不好的事, 結果全做了.  後來又害怕自己無法改變, 結果自己真的改不了了.  現在整天一個人, 無親無友, 似乎也就無拘無束.  乍似如此, 其時不然.  這個人. 膽子小, 現在好事做不成, 壞事也做不成.  並不是想去殺人, 姦淫擄掠而是至少要希望自己對自己不鄙視.  喜歡的不敢碰, 結果儘做自己不高興的事.  跟自己過不去, 何苦來?

不過話說回來, 那些令自己不舒服的事雖然很難從心裏抹去, 卻是絕對有必要如此. 去逛色情網站, 手淫, 甚至意淫, 這些都對已對自己發生一定性的作用.  我很害承認我的確自己有毛病, 可是我沒辦法不承認.  功課不好, 心裏因素佔了九成九.  每次要想改進, 怎樣也沒辦法, 禁不住是時的考驗.  現在真是遭啊. 

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民國 92 年, 10 月 15 日

我心裏只有我.  不知是冷漠還是麻木.  不過一個懦夫.  就比一些 XXXXX 也比不上.  我只想是在想.  我, 每一個念頭都是自肥.  愚蠢的人!  真的變成了聖經上的愚人, 不知何時會變成惡人.  我又在期待嗎? 



=====================================

Do I see myself, hear myself?

Had another episode yesterday.  Mom was stressing over a dental bill for two nights now.  Two night before, she could not sleep and got up at 2am.  It was the reason she asked me if her action in the early morning woke me? 

It's understandable that she's all riled up in the morning.  She told me all about this overpaid dental bill.  About how the dentist student, Tarick did not charge her for first few appointments.  Then he led her to the billing department to setup a billing plan, which was a monthly payment plan.  She did not realize that at the time.  When she started to get the  bill, and found that the student, Tarick, is graduating before summer this year.  She panicked.  The treatment plan is not even half done, and she already paid more than half of total bill.  If we are paying by whatever Tarick had done, we are clearly overcharged.  She is not confident what would happen once Tarick left, and the next dentist student could not figure out what Tarick has done, and the new student might want more money for himself too, the bill will just piled on even further.   So she called Tarick in the morning who was still sleeping, I guess Tarick told her that he will dig deeper and call her at 7.

I can't really recall what I said in the morning.  I think I just want to paint a clear picture of the whole thing in my mind.  I never bothered about the whole thing before.  My Mother is always capable to handle this sort of things.  In fact, she and I both agreed, she is better at dealing with this affair.  But upon hearing her complain, I want to know the big picture.  So I looked at the bill, and she was more than willing to share that info.  She was pretty organized, she has two dentists, one is Dr. Tao; the other is this Dr. Tarick.  The documents were put into two separate files according the the dentist.  Dr. Tao charges my mom every time with specific procedures.  Dr. Tarick file has a payment plan.  Then we calculate about how much money she paid, Dr. Tao: around 4000; Dr. Tarick: around 1800.  After I worked this out, my mom and I went for a walk. 

Right around 7, she received call from the doctor.  She explained further about her situation, the doctor decided to call her back again.  To be honest, I don't really trust the doc.  I doubted he would be sincere about listening to her concern and solve her problem.  And I think I must not have much confident about my mom's ability to communicate well either.  Because after she put the phone done, I started to inserting my own opinion.  I think I stressed on the word "Contract" repeatedly.  I could not stop talking, even when she showed signs of growing annoyance.  She started to raise her voice, and even asked, "why do you think it's my fault?"  My mind must've shut down immediately upon hearing the question.  That's not what I mean.  She was getting riled up more and more, and so was I.  There was a very small corner in my mind, asking at the same time, what should I say, and what is that I want to get across?  Do I looked down upon her way of thinking, communication skill, or something?!  She was screaming at me saying: "this is my own business, I don't need you to butt in and manage it for me!"  I was trying hard not to explode, but I still threw a  box and yelled out: "Fine, I wasn't in this from the beginning, don't bother me with this later!!" 

I just shut down.  I kept feeling something else in my mind, but all I could do was to repeat "contract", which made her feel like this over charged bill was all her fault.  I think that's how the scenario started.  Afterward, Dr. Tarick called again, I picked up the phone.  She and the doctor talked and I did not know what's what.   I started to be able to gather my words, after more than half an hour.  I came down and asked her to pause the video so we could talk.  I told her that the thought of her fault did not even cross my mind.  I mentioned contract only because I thought that's what she need to tell the doctor to end the current paying plan.  Because, it clearly bothered her to no end.  She needs to change the paying plan, paying every time for whatever the service was done that day.  That's all I want to say.  But I could not express it!  Because I could not say it outright, and even ignored her fear for being at fault.  The whole thing went haywire. 

She could not sleep, was up at 2 again.  I need to know  when to shut up, if it's her business, it's her business.  She can handle it, I could give her my two cents, but that's it.  Shut up and move on.  When she really needs my help, she will ask for it!  Don't leave, but do my own business! 

Two weeks after Taiwan

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri:

I finally saw the movie.  I thought I could watch it for an hour and continue next day.  I was so wrong.  The movie kept me going all the way through.  Although I was not impressed with the ending, the process was very engrossing.

There were so many unexpected turns, I could  hardly anticipate what's next.  Everyone has an angle and depth, that I could grasped in some ways.  I watched some reviews immediately afterwards, just like usual.  One of them mentioned strong characters as main reason audiences love the movie.  It makes me wonder, how was the plot driven, by plot's twists and turns, or by the characters created.

I read somewhere, an author said, he created a character, which forced the plot into certain direction where he has no control over.  Even for bio-pictures, they always showcase people with strong characters, non- conformers..  That's how a story was created.  Our daily mundane life really wasn't that interesting after all, it constitutes bunch of compromises.  Even the movie, the secret life of Walter Mitty, features a normal character on the surface, the story begins when that character wakes up and acts in some defiant ways.

Three billboards really was a well crafted story.  But the ending really is a bit ambiguous.  I wish to see the justice getting done.  Ending put the movie in a paradox, the movie presents itself with characters resisting the norms.  However, the movie also put those characters in a position where those actions was minimized.  I guess it's an author's defiance against the characters he created...


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I've been searched for job at least 4 hours from Monday to Wednesday.  Kind tired.  So I did nothing on Thursday.  I also felt extremely lonely.  The only person I talked to was my Mom.  Not much of talking than listening, not even active listening.  (is this perception a reality?)

Loneliness and tiredness caused intense sexual feeling.  Not very cool.  Has to find some way out.  Stay active, can only get me so far.  I think I need to talk to someone though.  Just talking to myself is really not healthy.  I know the feeling, eventually, everything stopped and stayed at the same spot, although it may look like feet moving.

Has to keeping moving though, action still counts better than nothing.  

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After I got back from Taiwan, I bought a lot of stuff.  A tablet for my mother, a bike for myself, returned 2 sunglasses that did not fit right, and still looking for a good pair of basketball shoes.  I am afraid, I am compensating.

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I went to Y to play some volleyball, and Tina was there.  I met her and her husband through Jo.  I like them and like her posts on FB quite often.  But when I saw her on Monday, my interaction was minimal.  She might feel weird?  I somehow was overcame by fear.  I don't know what, but this happened all the times after I got to know people for a periods of time.  And I know my interaction with other people was wonky at best.  But this is the least of my concern, for I only want to play.  But with Tina, the feeling of trying to escape is horrendous.   

What is that fear???  How do I not to act upon that fear? 


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I like to talk about my short comings, or other sad topics.  So when I went toSofiya's party 3 days after I got back, my recount of the event to my mother was that I did not and could not talk much about my trip to Taiwan; not much interaction with people, who used to be my colleague; and I could only talk about Mascon with them, to which, Aaron rightly pointed out, "why talk about the company in this joyful occasion..."  

This makes me think about a couple things:

1. Why do I like to talk about my inadequacy?   Does this give myself some sense of satisfaction?  Is that how I feel I exists in this world?  Or otherwise, how come I like to talk about it? 

2.  Was there any pleasantry during the Taiwan trip?  If there was, how should I present it? 

3.  I still need to practice how to express my happiness in full sentences... 



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Taiwan first part

We are in Taiwan.  This is a very short trip.  Because I had a job lined up after this trip, and also I did not differentiate April's need and mine at all, I bought the ticket according to her schedule.  Due to the circumstances, this trip was not only untimely, also infinitely rushed. 

Even before the trip, April initiated the planning stage for me.  I need a lot of help.  April knows almost everything, I know none.  A week before, she came to the house stating her intention to set the schedule straight with us.  I thought it was unnecessary, but turns out we followed the schedule almost to the T, because of that day.  Impressive. 

The things that April take the lead was done in a prompt and proper manner.  I felt that she's over reacting sometimes, but when I took the lead, the thing was not finished at all, I still need to finished the coming days.  le sigh. 

some thought, no, only one thought

I felt that for all the researches in science nowadays everything is moving towards physical world.  The spiritual or mental worlds are also dispersing, albeit very slowly.  But according to Newton's laws, mover moves, stopper stops.  How do we get up in morning?  Why would we go to sleep?  

Movie afterthought

Super 8 & it

I saw a video on underrated movie, Super 8 was in there.  I watched it once before but remembered nothing at all!  That's kind sad.  So I got the movie from library and watched it again.  It was such a good movie!  I reminded me so much of Steven Spielberg's style.  But most amazingly, it reminded me so much of ET!  I was not impressed by the ET, the movie.  When I was younger, I used to have this audio cassette about ET, I loved that.  But when I saw ET, something just did not click.  It's almost like my cousin said, "my imagination trumped whatever is on the screen."  But here, I felt that Super 8 brought a visual grandeur to my eyes and touched something in my heart, almost like the audio cassette!

I watched "it" not long ago.  I could not help but compare.  They were both about childhood adventures.  

Quietly creeping in

2017 was a weird time of my life.  I was looking through my cell, there are tons of picture from that year.  It was quite amazing.  Something to notice:

• Had a party in the Warehouse in Jan
• I built a snow cat in Feb 2017 after a storm
• Had a party at my house for Sofiya got a new job
• Told Alex I am leaving for physical therapy assistant
• Warehouse started to hire new people, found Jose
• Peirene joined Mascon
• Went to Borda Borg with CJ, Chenyang, Harry, Peirene, Mindy, CenYang's boyfriend
• Attended a Medical interpreter's certificate program
• Went to Mt. Monadnock with CJ, Harry, Michele, and their friends
• Went to Rhode Island to watch Dunkirk on a special Theater al
• Driving Mr. Wang back and forth for a full year
• Went to JW headquarter
• Went to quite a few movies  with George
• Went to Nahant Beach at 530, to see sunrise by myself
• Went to Rt. 1A north up alone, although did not get to Ogunquit as planned
• CJ was sent to TW for 4 months
• I started part time since attending certificate class, but went back to full
• Went to Vermont  with Mei and Peirene in Oct
• Went to museum with George and Mei
• House and cat sitting for Aunt Grace
• Went to concert and night club with Ian, Peirene, Monica
• Went to a few PQ's Karaoke parties 
• Had a french fries birthday party at Mascon
• Grandpa passed away on 1.1.2018

Recording these makes me extremely anxious.  I felt that recording it meant something.  But I don't know what.  I felt completely overwhelmed.  We shall see.   

Trip planning

To Texas:

From Andover, MA to Caldwell, TX. 

Distance:  1912 miles(Google Map, without distraction)

Will pass through:  Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas(Via Rt. I-81S)

If maintained at 65 mph all the way through, without traffic Jam, detour, etc..., we are looking at a 30 hour drive. 

Must visit places:  to be continued...

Planning

1. Japanese.  I need to write and do it pretty much everyday.  I don't need to sit down for a long time for it at each session.  But a daily alotted time is important.  I need to write it, but even more importantly, just to have contact with it.  I will use  cell phone apps daily.


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2.  Excel, I will try Lynda.  There are lessons in them, and I will follow them.  But the other thing is I need to figure it out a way to use them in real life!  My goal is to learn so I could use Macro.  That's a lofty goal.  Let's see what Lynda will take me.

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3.  Cooking.  切肉絲, 肉片.  切洋蔥.  基本上就是基本的食材準備.  包括廚房的清潔!   整齊清潔是每天的事.

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4.  House.  Holes.  Holes, Holes, and clean, organized.  That includes my room.  First of all my room!  I will need to list, why I need to re-organize my room.  And how should I change it.  Holes on the wall!  I can fix them. And I will start fix them!  From today, until next Saturday(2/9/2018), I meant finish it next Saturday.  I have three main projects, 1, near side porch entrance; 2, in my room; 3, the walls above first floor bathroom door frame!

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5.  Drawing and Painting.  First gather my tool!  my sketchbook and some pens and pencils!

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6. Coding, I will try Lynda as well.  But I do want to search online for free resources as well!

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7.  Martial arts.  My plan is to do it daily.  Don't matter how many times, or don't need to be serious... Just do it!

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8.  Yoga.  Keep a journal.  I need to jot down one today...

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9.  Medical vocabulary.  use quiz it to make vocabulary cards!

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10.  Reading plays, I will get a William Tennessee's play, if MHL has it.

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11.  Play with my money.  My first step is to see how much I have right now...   le sigh...

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12.  Planting.  Yes, Start to put the seeds in the water now, especially the cilantro seeds...

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There, that's my plan!!!  I wonder how much I would remember this...  I will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Oh, no, gotta be rational...  I will.  (sullenly)

Notes on Reading.

Are we smart enough to know how smart animals are?  (Frans De Waal)

"what we observe is not nature in itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning."

(Werner Heisenberg)


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human can try to imagine the umwelt of other organisms.
------------------
he wanted to understand how a bat feels like a bat.  This is indeed beyond our comprehension...

"if a lion could talk, we could not understand them."

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the challenge is to find tests that fit an animal's temperament, interest, anatomy, and sensory capacities.

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chimps face recognition experiment.  chimps can identify chimps faces, but not human.

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a creationist's view:

a purposeful creation of uniquely suited for intelligent life, meaning us.....anthropic philosophers sounded as if they thought the word was made for us rather than the other around.  Planet earth is at exactly the right distance from the sun, to create right temperature for human life, and its atmosphere level has the ideal level of oxygen level....however, any biologist will turn the causal connection around and note that our species is finely adapted to the planet's circumstances, which explains they they are perfect for us.

------------------------      --------------------------     --------------------     ------------------------   

the closer another species is to us, the more anthropomorphism will assist our understanding of this species and the greater the danger will be the danger of anthropodenial.

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Cognition is the mental transformation of sensory input into knowledge about the environment and the flexible application of this knowledge.  while the term, cognition refers to the process of doing this, intelligence refers more to the ability to do it successfully.  (page 10~11)

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if learning talents are a product of natural history an mating strategies, the whole notion of universality begins to fall apart.

evidence of inborn learning specializations has been steadily mounting.

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Can we tease apart the roles of attention, motivation, and cognition?  Those three are involved in everything animals do; hence poor performance can be explained by any one of them.

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What's next?

What's next?

It's been 2 weeks now, I've been sulking.  But with family and many friends' support, I want to do something.  What's next?  I know I want to do something.  I will list something that I've been wanting to do but could not finish due to emotion, my inconsistency, and some other bad things I will recall later.  The list is a source where I want to do it personally.  And if possible, a career goal.

• Japanese, I'd tried to study it while I was working in warehouse.  I even brought and practiced during the down time in warehouse.  
• Excel, I'd a lot of fun designing the inventory sheet and packing sheet.  This was something unexpected.  I want to further my knowledge into Macro!
• Cooking.  My mom is fanatic about cooking.  I am interested in it too.  I want to really learn to make dumplings, baozi, and Mr. Wang's Bing better!  
• Cars, I watched Vic, doing all kinds of job around his car.  I am very interested in it as well.  But as far as the car goes, I might need quite a sum to really do what he does.  I am just hoping to put the most basic things into action, cleaning the cars, fix painting...etc.  
• House, my living space.  To be able to work on house is wonderful.  But there are projects that I want to do which my mom called unnecessary, I will try to forget about it.  For house, there are two things, one is learn to be a handy man, small fixings; the other is learning to call professional!  
• Drawing and Painting.  I used to carry a sketch book around, but lately, I ditched the idea.  I want it back!  Along with a bag of pen, pencil and colors.  
• Coding, especially, Java Script, which was suggested by Dwight!  
• Martial Arts, started by doing Lien Bu Chuan and Tai chi everyday.  
• Yoga, started by doing two things.  One is writing notes after each class; the other is started to work out with my Mom!  
• Medical vocabulary, I do not want to forget what I learned.  Although I already know that I did not want to be an interpreter, I still want to retain all the knowledge though.  Vocabulary!  
• Reading plays, this is for my own practice on how to speak.  I want stage plays, what I have in mind is William Tennessee.  
• Play with your money!!  CD, aunt told me; Sign up a brokerage account!  
• Planting!  some house plant is no good, and don't forget about seeding for the coming year!  

It seemed a lot, but how to spread it out, how to pursue them consistently.  That needs further planning!  Do not be afraid of planning!   Remember Plan are meant to be broken!

I finished the list for now.  I will come back tonight to plan it out.  The purpose of this wait, is not out of laziness.  But to ensure that I will keep this planning in mind, so when I do plan it, do it out of ration than impulse.