Some thoughts

Mr. Wang is my grandfather's helper during the week day.  My mom kept asking him if he want to go to congregation.  He said yes on Friday.  So mom called April to schedule a ride.  However, it turned out that my sis cannot go today.  April wanted to arrange a bother to take Mr. Wang.  But Mom immediately said no.  She said, Jack will do it.  Her exact wording was: "如果我叫小杰去, 小杰就會做..." This bugged me.  And I immediately told her after she ended her call with my sis. 

The result was she could not sleep last night.  I was still bugged and disgusted with myself about revealing this to her.  I do want to please her, and like I told her, I will do it almost no matter what anyway.  Why would I reveal that to her?  This caused 2 things, she can't sleep, I felt disgusted about myself. 

However, that line really bugged me.  I still think that I am constantly looking for comfort.  Anything that could comfort me.  Just about anything.  This low self esteem thing really needs to go!  I kept trying to find out what I want.  I am still trying!  Because I thought if I know that, I would make myself a better person.  I could stand tall with other people, psychologically. 

I felt really short when compared to whoever!  I tried to comfort myself with stories I created.  But it failed again and again.  Because a dream is a dream, I am still here, could not go and do anything!  I dreamed of having a girl like CJ or Nono.  But when I see myself. that disgust would not go away.  I am not a complicated guy.  I am not that deep.  I thought if I could figure what I want to do, and go for it.  Dedicated myself to it.  I would be more complete.  I'd be happy, my mom would happy.  And I could maybe try to find a girl like CJ or Nono.  I don't know what I want to do!  16 years ago, I sat on the mud room's step, back to my mom, and said to her, I don't know what I want to do.  Today, I still am.  If anything, I'd wish for a hug and a kiss from CJ right now. But by golly, that thoughts was horrible!  I keep shaken my head sometimes, trying to shake it off.  The more I look at her, the more I am more obsessed.  That cannot be the only thing I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I feel I could do more.  But maybe I can't.  I record some thoughts here, and yet, when I reflected back, those thoughts are shallow at best, utterly not understandable at worst! 
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Anyway, I gotta learn to filter what to say!  Before I even said it!  That report said that I used a lot of energy to suppress feelings.  But how to let those feeling out, without hurting anybody?!  I know I did try hard not to touch sadness and anger, but it seems the more I tried, the more I failed!  The emotion for withholding sadness and anger must be fear.  So the only thing I could display is smile, or utter reclusive.