徵

舅舅，

回来一眨眼已经一个礼拜，差点把你交代的事忘了。  昨天去银行汇了$2000到苏州。

这 些天因为安排旅游的事和蓓莉交流了很多。  大致想一放假6/7就走，6/23号回来。  但nothing booked yet。 要改的话，六月的任何时间段都可以。  还是希望能够和舅舅的行程凑一凑。  即使不能完全重叠也无妨。 不知舅舅有几天假期。  能凑两个礼拜吗？

另外，这次和蓓莉的交谈中了解到苏州的近况不是很好。  听说爸爸最近又有心绞痛的情况出现，让我很担心。  爸爸以前在休士顿时也有过胸痛胸闷的情况，还问我婆婆的朋友讨过药，后来就没再发过。  回去后也做过检查，但查不出什么。  以前每次打电话都是和妈妈聊，妈妈的有些思维方式有点像佩玉阿姨，都偏消极，又焦虑，自我调节压力的能力差。  我每次想劝她，却常以争执告终。  所以有时也避免太介入她的事。   但这次和蓓莉交谈让我的想法有些改变。  以前我总是想从想法入手，老在看法，角度等方面和她争吵，但现在我发现这些都没用。  她做不到的讲破了道理也做不到。   而这次蓓莉让我意识到爸妈在handle好公一事上似乎已经到了他们能力的极限。  他们现在如果没有一些专业人员的帮助，已经很难再坚持下去。  最大的问题来自两方面，一是找不到好的好公愿意接受的保姆，二是在很多事情上没有办法说服好公配合。

蓓莉说前几天舅舅给好公写过信，提及要接好公回美国，是真的吗？    好公会愿意吗？   我和蓓莉都觉得好公现在的状况可能需要专业的陪护。  蓓莉提到好公不听劝，会自己乱吃药，听着特别危险。  而一旦有什么事，好公美国公民的身份又会有很多麻烦。  所以妈妈又更焦虑。  现在好像好公听力极差，要靠写字沟通。  而保姆又是个不识字的文盲。 所以白天由妈妈陪着，两个人一起伺候他。  

我以前曾建议妈妈打听苏州的敬老院，妈妈总是坚持好公不会同意的。  现在不知道还能不能考虑这条路。  好公一定是不愿意的，天下老人很少愿意的。 

讲到敬老院，我曾建议妈妈打听过，妈妈一口咬定好公不会同意的，结果就没有深谈。  我当时认为国内的人对老人院还是很有偏见。  但我现在在网上也常常听人提到国内的老人院，人的想法也是在逐渐改变的吧。  当然，具体到好公，我也不知劝他来美国更容易，还是进老人院更容易些。  一定是个两难的选择。 即使来了美国，我想很快也会需要专业的护理的。  不知舅舅目前的打算如何？

今天说了很多和好公有关的话。  可能有点唐突，还请舅舅见谅。   是突然意识到苏州现在的境况，如果不改变，我怕三个人总有一个要病倒或出状况。  这一点我在一个礼拜前都没有意识到。  所以见到你时都没有想要多谈。  妈妈过去电话里也会和我说很多，我都把她当作一种情绪的vent。  而现在我真的有种紧迫感，觉得再这样下去会出事。  

由此也想到，这个夏天是否真是带妈妈度假的好时机，其实很难说。  舅舅有没有什么想法？  如果这个夏天应该先解决苏州的事的话，我也完全可以理解和赞同。  妈妈一直就担心行程定了到时走不了。  舅舅如果有了接好公回美的具体时间表，告诉我一下，旅游可以另作安排。  就我个人而言，我真的觉得好公的情况比我们度假更急切些。

絮絮叨叨写了很多，说得不周的地方请原谅。

问大家好！

屋恩ㄌ一

2013/3/5

Wednesday, March 6, 2013 12:32 AM

 

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I asked my boss today and he said it OK for me to take two weeks vacation in June. So I am going to get ready to visit China in June.

 

Wenli: we know it is too much  burden for your mom and dad. I don't know if they can handle until june. After my visit, I think Chen-Hung will be ready to take him to the States. We have discussed a couple of options, but this seems the only way. Hope we can make my dad agree to it.

 

Pei-lan

 

3/07/13

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小杰，

昨天看到佩兰阿姨的信，知道舅舅把我的信转给你们大家了。  心里很忐忑。  前几天一直和蓓莉通信，了解了很多苏州的情况，就急着给舅舅写信了，事后越读越觉得语气什么都写得不是很好，当时没有仔细斟酌。  舅舅也一直没有给我回信，他有没有和你们说什么？ 你觉得他有没有因为我的信生气啊？  现在搞的佩兰阿姨也要赶去苏州，我担心她身体也不好。 唉。 

对不起到你这里来打听，实在是怕自己的信写得急了点，必定给波士顿添乱了，舅舅那里一定已经很乱了。  我和你一样是晚一辈，以前很少对好公的事发表意见，但这次真的是情况不一样了。  希望舅舅看了我的信后没有太生气。  

再聊，

Wendy

 

3/08/13

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亲爱的舅舅、舅妈，
亲爱的佩玉、佩兰阿姨：

附件是妈妈写的一封信，她让我邮件给您们，请查收。

近来与妈妈电话较多，感受到她的疲惫，焦虑，不安，与力所不及的无奈。而好公自从去年12月份初摔跤后，情况每况愈下，出乎所有人的意料。以前老看见老人摔跤、卧床后就开始走下坡路，没曾想，今天是自己的好公，而下坡路走得竟是这样的急！

我 是第三代中，最受好公偏爱的一个。但是三十年后，他需要人照顾的时候，我却不能在旁陪伴，心里实在很难过。有时候想想，假如十年前我留在了苏州，可能今天 的情况就会好很多。可是，没有这个假如了。。。这几年，因为孩子小，外出不容易，故回苏的机会也很少。本想好不容易，乐乐也大了些了，可以经常走动了，好 公的情况却变得如此之槽糕了。虽然心里明白，对好公本身而言，回美国找一个专业机构护理照顾，对他更有利；但是，心里同时也明白，假若今年真回美了，那今 后可以见面的日子，也就及其有限了。想到此，心里无限难过。。。

妈妈信尾提到的退休金的事，其实并不完全是退休金本身，只是作为小辈的一点心意，望舅舅不要推却。另外，佩兰阿姨，或者还有舅舅，如果行程的日子定下来，请尽早告诉我。我届时一定会找时间回苏。

祝好！

ㄅ欸ㄌ一

3/16/13

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Hi, Belle,

Thanks for the message. And thanks for Jack to help me to type this reply in Chinese. Attached please find my reply. It is just my 2 cents,  and I know that your parents has reached their limitation.  I hope that everybody on this list, including you & Wendy, to discuss, and to find out "A" solution for "how to bring grandpa to be here......" to fit everybody.

Thanks.

Chen

 

3/19/13

 

親愛的姐姐, 姊夫:

蓓莉轉來的信我們都收到了, 我們四個人都花了不少時間看姊姊的信, 姐姐的信寫得真好, 鉅細靡遺. 清楚的講到了爸跌跤的前因後果. 基本上, 我也認為這次跌跤, 心理受創勝於肌膚之傷. 我想之所以如此, 多半是因為爸爸自己耳朵聽不見, 不過爸爸還是不能完全接受, 以致於心中不能平衡, 通常這個時候, 脾氣就容易發向自己周邊最親近的人. 只是這樣一來姊姊姊夫就太辛苦了.

和爸爸比, 叔叔對人的脾氣是好多了. 叔叔心中之苦也比爸爸要重. 不過像叔叔都不發出來, 對叔叔本身未必是好事. 看來爸爸的脾氣是愈來愈糟. 不過今天想要去改他九十年的習慣, 只怕太難. 在姊姊來說, 這真是難上加難. 總而言之, 爸爸至今當然 “不是” 姊姊, 姊夫照顧不周. 事實上, 這廿年來全是姐姐, 姊夫在張羅, 已經比我們做得太多.

姐姐信上所指爸爸最近性情大變, 譬如脾氣大, 不信任, 對人冷漠…等等. 這些都可能是老人失憶的症狀, 或許可能是姊信上所說的腦萎縮造成. 據說八九十歲的人比例還不小, 只是不知道現在程度多種. 我覺得這當然有, 不過不應該二三個月內如此加快? 我想這另外有 “近因”, 就是跌跤加上耳朵不靈, 造成心理障礙, 也就是所謂的老人心理憂鬱症. 一個人想做又做不到以前能做得事, 就會失望, 而 depress. 往往又不自知, 譬如蕭雲的弟弟(偉力)就有此症兆. 不過他最近找到事就好多. 這樣不過是我個人猜測而已, 未真分析, 不能做準.

Bottom line, 我們都知道姊姊, 姊夫已到極限, 而我們三人一時之間都不能馬上過來接爸爸. 至少我以為今天的爸爸還沒有退到任人擺佈的地步. 所以回美之事, 必須有人說項. 我們三 人暫時無法過去做 “說項” 之事. 同時, 我認為姊姊, 姊夫也不宜做. 以免加深爸爸的負面影響. 我真不知一時之間有誰可以代我們 “說項”? 就我來說, 我沒有把握可以成功, 不過有幾份把握說動爸爸回來. 不過, 至少到我要幾週去說, 加上如果”說項”之後馬上過來, 至少還要二到三週理行李, 所以我沒有把握在一個 trip 可以做完到搬回? 這是我的估計盡量爭取時間, 在六七月期可以過來說項(現在是報稅季節). 能成與否, 還未可知. 我也希望每個人也許估計一下自己能做多少? 如果姊姊能找到人 “說項” , 甚至送爸回來, 我願意付機票錢, 也許時間也可早些. 只是我真想不出此人?

至於文莉, 蓓莉二侄孫女願意負擔爸退休金之事, 我知道這是他們姊妹二人一片孝心, 真是謝了. 我想爸知道後也會高興的. 不過在爸說來, 這是他的退休金, 和其他 人給有所不同. 這是他自己的不安全感. 如果我在 “說項” 之時, 他不記得, 我不會主動提起. 不過我相信, 他一定會想起的. 可 “說項” 之人, 不可不準備, 沒有選擇.

真的, 希望我們大家一起努力, 讓爸爸過來, 這也許是對他最好, 也希望姊姊再堅持最後一刻, 我們會儘快過來. 謝謝.

敬祝

大安

弟振洪, 雲上

3/18/2013

  

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舅舅，舅妈，阿姨，及小杰，大家好！

前几天读到妈妈的信，心中五味杂陈不知说什么好。 今天又看到舅舅的回信，真心感受到大家的压力和无奈。  我深深体会苏州爸妈的艰难，更时刻为他们的健康担心，但同时我也真切地理解美国这边工作，假期，保险等等事项的真实分量和对人的束缚。   所以我常常不知道说什么好。  可如今的情形真的无法再拖延，舅舅让大家出谋划策，我想了又想，觉得若要打破眼前的这个困境，唯有跳出一些习惯的思维，把我们现有的人力物力资源放到一 起来考量，唯有大家齐心合力才能一起渡过这个难关。

所以，我想斗胆提一个特别大胆的建议。 希望舅舅舅妈和大阿姨能认真考虑一下。  这是我目前能想到的兼顾舅舅和妈妈的唯一办法。  我想恳请大阿姨和舅妈（或者再加上小杰）能否考虑在舅舅辞职之前到苏州长住一段时间。   苏州现在最大的困难之一是缺人手，如果两个人24/7的轮班可以变成五个人的轮班，那么我觉得每个人的压力和体力的消耗都会得到缓解，毕竟陪一天休息四天 会比现在的情况好得多。    而对好公来说也是一件令他高兴的事，是一件能在心理上给予他安慰，在人前让他欢喜的事。 

值得庆幸的是，苏州现在有足够的地方可以住，无需考虑长期的旅馆费用。  吃住在自己家里相对而言还是可以安排的比较方便和舒适的。  只要安排好电脑宽带等事宜，到时可以和美国保持很好的联系。

在和蓓莉的交流中，我感觉到好公这几个月的衰退非常厉害，很多细节不是笔墨可以详尽。  以他的年龄，真的很难预计真正和家人有意义的相处还有多长时间。  这个有意义是指有意义的意识清醒的交谈，一起外出散步，品茶，和吃饭等等。

我明白这个建议对大家现在的生活是个很大的改变，真的很为难。  但是在不能提早接好公过来的前提下，我不知道还有什么办法能打破这个困局，改变这个现状。 特别是大阿姨刚刚从苏州回来，我真觉得好难启口。  只希望这一切都是暂时的，大家一起撑过了这个夏天，等舅舅退了休就可以做更好的安排。

我和蓓莉决定把计划中的泰国之行推迟到明年。  她说现在好公身边一刻都缺不了人，即使在家里也要时刻防着摔跤跌倒。  所以我准备等明年再带爸妈去好好度个假。  今年还是一切以好公为重。

匆匆在上班时间写就，很希望听听大家的意见。

屋恩ㄌ一

 

3/19/13

 

learn to sing

Sunshine on My shoulders

Single by John Denver

Words by John Denver, Music by John Denver, Dick Kniss and Mike Taylor


Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
I'd give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high
Sunshine almost always

trying to learn to sing

The Rose

 

single by Betty Midler 

Lyrics and Song Music by Amanda Mc Broom

 

 

 

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

An endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

And you, its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking  

That never learns to dance

It's the dream, afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed

That with the sun's love, in the spring

Becomes the rose

佛手瓜

最近做了一道佛手瓜, 我還滿喜歡的.

牛肉切絲, 醃.

紅蘿蔔一小條切細絲, 放一邊. 
佛手瓜切細絲, 放一邊.
青椒切細絲, 放一邊.
小綠辣椒拿一點切細絲, 放一邊.
薑兩片.

醃牛肉絲中火泡熟.

青椒絲, 小綠辣椒絲, 薑片過油.

醃牛肉炒椒絲和薑片, 加味道.

椒牛肉絲炒好, 下佛手瓜絲和紅羅蔔絲, 拌炒廿秒, 起鍋.

佛手瓜絲必須是脆的, 才算成功. 

棋差一著而全盤皆墨

小明與小華下棋. 一開始,兩人一來一往酣戰淋漓.  下到中盤時, 小華覺得小明有一棋下錯了.  於是他很高興的把那一子吃了.  但是沒料到, 那只是誘敵.  小明竟然突出一著, 過了楚河破了小華的雙馬陣.  小華一看大吃一驚.  他開始急躁起來, 一下子想半天, 下一秒又魯莽的做了決定.  結果想當然耳, 小華很快的就輸了. 

下完了, 小華和小明聊天.

華:  唉呀, 剛剛真的是棋差一著而全盤皆墨...啊...  要不是我沒看到你的誘敵之計, 我還是有把握贏的.  真是可惜啊.

明: 恐怕不是吧...  那時不過只是中盤,你其實只失掉了一個馬.  你還有一個車, 兩個砲和一個馬哩...  贏面還是很大哩.

華:  說的也是.  不過你的兩馬和一炮一車, 在那時還是比我靈活啊. 

明:  不對, 不對, 實在是你自己輸了一個馬後, 就輸心了, 我看你急的勒.  這可不是棋差一著啊...  因為你之後的好幾著都沒走好啊.

華:  ㄜ....  好啦好啦, 贏了還要教訓人. 真是豈有此理!

明:  :P

----------------------------------------

這個棋差一著而全盤皆墨, 不知道典故是啥... 我也看過一著不慎, 滿盤皆輸.  大陸那邊都是這個.  他們的字典裡也有來源, 都來自毛澤東或著另一個人叫李丰祝(共產黨). 


我寫這段對話, 想到的是自己.  我到現在仍還可以有所作為.  但是, 時間之緊迫, 自己也非常清楚.  可是我知道我仍卡著.  我十年前失了一個馬, 已經下了十年濫著...  怎麼辦, 怎麼辦. 

My journey to Pi

I've been wanting to write something about life of pi for quite some times now.  But I keep struggling to write anything meaningful.  I don't know why.  This is very frustrating.  The initial problem was reading, I simply could not read anything.  I was critical of almost everything I read, or I would put a label on the material and abandon it.  This tendency now spreads to my writing too.  I lost my tongue so I could not speak; I lost my heart so I could read; I am afraid I am losing my mind so writing as my only expression would be lost too. 

Anyway, it's another attempt to write down some thoughts about the movie, life of pi. 

-----------------------


I forgot when was the first time I saw a book titled, life of pi.  It could be a book with tiger's tail as a cover which was put on a special book shelf.  It was probably two years ago.  I checked out the book from library for I like cat, I have cats as pet.  I could not finished the book.  In memory, I only flipped through first page and set aside until its due date, even past the due date.  The weird names of characters in the book turned me off, I think, at least, it's one of the reason.  The other reason was that I started to have difficulty focusing on reading... 

Then I think it was a year ago, I noticed that Ang Lee is going to direct.  I started to be interested again.  But according to conventional wisdom, original book will always be better than any movie adoption.  So I thought to myself, that before watching the movies, I should give the book another go.  And I like cats, big or small.  I tried to find the book with tiger tail cover, it was kind upset that I could not find it.  The library catalog showed many copies at teen section, so I asked the circulation desk where the teen section is.  When the circulation lady saw "life of pi", she said her daughter was going to read the book before the movie came out.  I was delighted, somehow felt a connection with people I guess, and said that it's my purpose as well.

It is weird that I finished reading the book.  The book I got had a blue cover with a boat, with a tiger and a boy lying in the boat and different fishes swim below the surface.  I liked the old cover better.  But this will do too.  The story started funny with main character's view and experience on religion and zoology.  But the chapters were fragmented, with main character's view, and an interviewer's description.  It was a strange setup.  I remembered I probably jumped some interviewer's sections.  I had no patient to read some nonsensical chapters, which was confusing without the second part of the book.  After I finished the book, all I can remember about it were two things.  One was funny and hilarious early childhood religious experience, with some fun zoo story as well.  The other was the hardship of the second chapter.  I felt the struggle of a ship wrecker's lonely sea life.  There were still funny paragraphs, but the difficult life was always behind those scenes.  The ending was particularly disastrous to me.  It left me hanging.  And I hate being stuck in between.  I felt hesitate to watch the film.  In addition, I am not specially fond of Ang Lee's films. 

The film started in USA on Nov 21, 2012.  I did not attend the theater until February.  And it was by accident, not by design.  My mom went to Mainland China, and my sister was asking me what I was going to do that day.  I simply had no plan, although life of pi was floating in my mind. Simply because I think it's going out of the theater soon.  So I slipped my tongue and said I was going to watch life of pi.  My sister immediately said she wanted to go as well and asked her husband.  That was a blue sky, sunny day.  On the way to the theater, I regretted a little bit.  It's a day to be outside absorbing sunlight... 

I bought a small popcorn, which was big to me.  And my brother in law wondered why I bought it.  He just read that those theater popcorn had something nasty in them, bad for the health.  I hadn't had those for I don't know how long, one should be okay. 

Life of Pi was a 3D movie.  It was gorgeous.  I liked it a lot.  When my mom came back from Mainland China, I wanted her to watch it too.  But after another two weeks wait, there was only one theater had it for an morning hour.  When I literally gave up, I checked schedule again a week ago.  Lo and behold, that theater increased the showing time for life of pi, it was in a more favorable time slots too.  So I watched the movie the second time.  And I still liked it a lot.  I kept pondering the reason for it.  

Pi's afterthought

I watched Life of Pi the second time today with mom.  I was still very impressed by it.  I read the book before.  But I like the movie better. 

I thought I would feel less of the movie this time, but I did not.  This is still a great film. 

I liked that tiger.  Not just because it was a tiger, but also because it was a tiger. 

The difference between the book and the movie was the description of hardship on the boat, or rather the lacking of.  What brutal reality the book described in graphical detail, the movie can use music and manuver of camera to create similar feeling without the disgust of the images in the brain. 

All the casting was perfect, the music suit the mood perfectly. 

i deamed last night

i dreamed last night. 
i dreamed my dong dong was besides me. 
he was my beauty. 
oh, my little kitty. 

下雪的日子

今天是個下雪的日子.  刮著大風, 能見度減到最小.  這雪, 像下雨一樣.  我的心非常寂寞.  從早上到現在,除了 PQ 起來回到小瑋那之前見過人, 之後又接了兩三通電話.  無再聽到人聲, 和人接觸.  剛剛打了個電話去蘇州, 看看媽媽怎麼樣.  他都不想講電話. 

我想...

如果有啥是我最想的事情, 我想要愛情.  可, 這怎麼能夠? 

那不是我最想要的.  我最想要的是一個我愛的女孩也愛上我. 

如此的省悟, 帶來的不是驚喜.  因為原來, 我已為我只是糊塗. 

不知道自己要什麼. 

如今, 我懂了.  那怎麼辦?  下一步該怎麼走? 

書摘 瑜珈研究

science of yoga, including original quote, and rewording of the sentences:

The analytic lens of the sports establishment began to form in the nineteenth century as health authorities struggled to identify universal factors that determine the origins of human fitness.  (Then the book described this as a urgency at the time, because more and more people left county side and farming.  As waves of people moved into city, the sedentary lifestyle of cities was viewed upon as unhealthy by medical experts.  But they could not achieve consensus on what form of exercise to recommend.  The scientific goal was to develop objective standards that would let investigators cut through the competing claims and document what would truly be beneficial.) (extension info: calisthenics)

By 1900, a factor was identified called Vital Capacity.  It measured a person's ability to breathe deeply, because breathing is considered a foundation of the metabolism.  (also an expression of spirit and soul, science of the day viewed breathing as similar to blowing on a fire--in theory it fanned the body's metabolic flames.)

...scientists defined VC as the maximum volume of air that an individual could exhale after a deep inhalation.  (extension info: vital index)

But it was quickly abandoned.

In a study by Archibald V. Hill, an English physiologist who won Nobel in 1922.  In reports of 1923 and 1924, Hill and his colleagues coined a term, maximal oxygen uptake, defined as the peak consumption of oxygen during exercise that got incrementally harder.  It became a golden standard to physical fitness and exercise physiology. 

What determined the MOU?  The size of an individual's heart and its ability to send blood rushing through lungs and blood vessels to the muscles.  In short, the quantity of blood exygenation matters the most.  Today peak oxygen consumption is known by the ubiquitous acronym, VO2 Max (V stands for volume, O2 is oxygen, max for maximum).  VO2 Max is accepted around the globe as the best single measure of cardiovascular fitness and aerobic power. 

translation

From silas marner

A shadowy conception of power that by much persuasion can be induced to refrain from inflicting harm, is the shape most easily taken by the sense of the Invisible in the minds of men who have always been pressed close by most primitive wants, and to whom a life of hard toil have never been illuminated by any enthusiastic religious faith. 

梁實秋翻譯:

一生需要在原始的需要中困鬥的人, 從無宗教信仰的啟發, 只知道苦工謀生; 所以他們對於目不能見的神力之概念是很渺茫的, 總以為神力需要經過苦苦哀求之後, 方不加害於人. 

-----------------------------------------

他好像把整句倒過來翻譯. 

movie comment

sabrina was a pretty good movie.  the scene where linus told sabrina everything was great.  the ending was a bit weak, but it did not damage the whole thing too much. 

movie afterthought

I just watched a movie called key largo, a 1948 movie.  I chose it for the sake of edward g. Robinson.  I was impressed by his performance in double indemnity.  Key Largo was not bad all.  ER's performance was still stellar, and so was the other cast, including Bogart.  But the best scene will have to be the one where Claire Trevor sang the song.  It was so heavy, so sad, and so revealing.  That will become one of the memorable film. 

wondering

i am wondering.  i am wondering, i heard a saying that speak from your nature.  but what came out of my mouth and jump out of my tongue is terrible and causing injury?  i am bitter right now, so what i said is naturally bitter.  not only it does not sound right in other people's ear, neither does it sound right in mine...  but i am so lonely, i want to speak, want to have fun, and wish to find a way to express myself properly.  but all i get is fear of inproper words, hurting some people, reveal the inner me, which is ugly, bitter, and frightful.  granted that's not all, but what comes out of my tongue seemed to be all those above...  I tried hard to be encourage, positive, proper.  but bitterness is a ocean wave, which would keep coming up. 

i felt terrible, lonely, and all i want to do is die.  i am already a living dead person.  i am not living my life.  i felt a great energy just want to outburst out of me.  i also tried hard to contain it.  i understand i need a channel, a proper channel to let it out.  but i also felt a it is not true.  i wish it to be a awesome creative force, but deep down, i also felt i am disillusioned.  just to keep everything stand still in there already caused me everything. 

when someone asked me what i want when i was just graduated from high school.  i could not tell them.  when someone asked the same question again when i was quit college, i still could not tell.  but now, i think i have the answer.  but that answer is wrong.  is not right, is sad.  it's so small. it has no future.  no ambition.  no outlook.  all i want is to fall in love helplessly and never get out of it.  but to be safe, to make the one girl that i felt in love with happy. don't we as a male, have to think about how to achieve and what do we have at our disposal to achieve that goal?  at the end, i realized that there is no chance for me to make anyone happy.  i have to squander that dream.  the one desire i had, i have.  i continue to fight it.  and i know it's a good fight.  i know it's an obsession.  if it's an obsession, it's dillusional.  just like a wet dream.  yes, it's like a wet dream.  it's a disllusioned desire that can only happen in a dream.  you can dream up super model, but you when you are awake, i know it's a disillusion.  even if in real life a super model said she loved me.  i will walk out and run away. 

so what now?  i am just a pretentious fool.  wait for the death to come.  i just want to die.  i really just want o die.  

晶蛋

媽媽不久前在圖書館翻閱 Cook's Illustrated 雜誌, 看到一個如何在煮白水蛋時,如何煮到 蛋心半凝固.  當時媽媽興致勃勃得和我提到這個食譜, 並且要把雜誌借回家, 好實驗一下.  但可以外借的那一本雜誌被人借走了, 我們就只好等等.  我當時也不覺得這個蛋怎麼樣. 

當我們拿到這本雜誌並且實驗了一次後.  媽媽高興的不得了.  好像一個頑童.  我這個人吃到口裡, 才覺得還不錯.  但是, 似乎還是覺得他有點小題大作.  媽媽接著提到了林文月教授的飲饍札記一書. 他記得裡面有一個食譜就是在講這種類似的蛋.  原來他是有心於另一個食譜.  於是乎, 過了兩個星期, 我把書借回來了.

我們都很喜歡這林教授的  "廚憶錄".  這次讓媽媽想到的就是裡面的一個食譜叫做水晶滷蛋.  這名字是林教授取的.  大致的方法其實就是, 沖涼透的半熟水煮蛋放進涼透過的滷汁裡浸泡八小時以上.  除了半熟水煮蛋需要技巧外, 滷汁也有講究.  滷的肉, 豬牛雞都行.  但是有一點很要注意.  因為滷汁要涼透, 所以用的肉裡不能有皮, 因為皮裡有膠質會使涼下來的滷汁凝固.  尤其是帶皮的豬肉, 就不行.  如果有肥油, 油脂在冷卻後會凝固在汁面上, 可以拿掉, 所以比較不所謂.

媽媽動手做滷蛋之前, 我建議用 mascon 老闆娘給我的滷汁食譜.  因為那是素的.  媽媽覺得這主意不錯, 沒想到的是, 我以為我記得那食譜, 因為所有食才可以用五四三二一來記.  無想到的, 我記不清了.  於是我只好星期一的時候再厚著臉皮去問了老闆娘一次.

媽媽總共做了一打多一點.  剛好是為了元旦夜 roger 的聚餐, 不過那一夜, 無啥人欣賞這個蛋.  後來又分給了小瑋, 最後又拿去舅舅家.  有趣的是, 昨天小瑋來電郵問此蛋的做法.  今天他又來電話, 很高興的說, 這個蛋好容易做.  以後聚餐, 就可以帶這個! 

這個蛋用 mascon 滷汁來泡, 似乎會把蛋皮泡老.  顏色其實不錯, 但是味道稍嫌重了一點.  不過這個蛋總是要切開來分成至少兩份, 才能看出這個蛋的不同之處, 味道也因此減弱一點. 

mascon 晶蛋食譜:  一醋二糖三酒四醬油五水.  (素食可食) 五種材料煮滾, 待涼.  把蛋浸泡一個晚上.  (十二月十三日西元兩千零一十四年增補)

a journey started

I just finished the hobbit an expected journey.  It was not as good as the fellowship of the ring.  I don't mind the settings looked like the lord of the ring trilogy.  But I felt the story of the unexpected journey was stretched thin.  I felt, as my sister felt, that many action sequences were mere filler for the whole story.  As an action adventure it was fun, but what I was expecting was a bit stronger and thicker. 

As for some of the humor in the movie, I felt they were mostly cheesy.  I did cracked up here and there.  Maybe I should not expect too much here, for this is merely a kid's reading.  And from the previous series, Director Jackson's comical sense was already not his best point. 

I did enjoy some of the scenes.  I loved the dwarf song, it gave me a sense of deep mythology and a thick air of sadness along with determination.  The Gollum and Bilbo scene was immensely gripping.  I think it was due largely to Gollum's credit.  And the scene where Gandalf saved the dwarves in the mountain plus the escape scene after was quite entertaining. 

I think that Director really knows how to pick his actors.  Most of the cast were befitting to each of their own roles.  I mentioned this is because I think it's incredibly important to cast actor in to a fitting character.  By doing so, even non consequential dwarf members can still manage to be remembered.

All in all, I did prefer Director condense the story.  But the final verdict will have to come after the whole series came to an end.  To me, I love the fellowship of the rings.  But the other two in the series was almost forgettable, except some scenes.   Here, I wonder if it really necessary to expand the story into a trilogy?  I hope Director would surprise me next with a better movie, and ended with a best movie in the series.  

故事點子

小寶大專游泳的故事
慧蘭阿姨 husky 狗的故事
我痾了一坨象花的屎

歌啊歌

今年十一月十日, 星期六, 我剛從 mall 走路回來不久, 小寶打電話來.  他來祝賀我生日快樂, 問我收到他們寄的賀卡了無?  我還無收到.  電話又沒電了, 聲音根本聽不到, 在手忙腳亂的情況下又無法把 skype 設定好, 結果, 我們約好下星期六用 skype 在聯絡.

十一月十七日, 同樣時間,還不確定他們會不會打來.我先打去看看.  接上線了, skype 還滿清楚的.他們的卡我收到了.  小寶要唱三首歌給我祝賀,他唱的是, 花心、草蜢的寶貝對不起、周華健的朋友.  都是當年我們在紐西蘭或之後紐西蘭團隊的人一起去唱 ktv 時唱的.  小寶說, 我也得唱一首!  我唱的是小牧童.

花心(周華健)

作詞：厲曼婷
作曲：喜納昌吉


花的心藏在蕊中　空把花期都錯過
你的心忘了季節　從不輕易讓人懂
為何不牽我的手　共聽日月唱首歌
黑夜又白晝　黑夜又白晝　人生悲歡有幾何

＃春去春會來　花謝花會再開
　只要你願意　只要你願意　讓夢劃向你心海

Repeat ＃

花瓣淚飄落風中　雖有悲意也從容
你的淚晶瑩剔透　心中一定還有夢
為何不牽我的手　同看海天成一色
潮起又潮落　潮起又潮落　送走人間許多愁

Repeat ＃,＃

只要你願意　只要你願意　讓夢划向你心海

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朋友(周華健)

作曲: 劉志宏

編曲: 洪敬堯

填詞: 劉思銘

這些年 一個人 風也過 雨也走
有過淚 有過錯 還記得堅持什麼
真愛過 才會懂 會寂寞 會回首
終有夢 終有你 在心中

朋友一生一起走 那些日子不再有
一句話 一輩子 一生情 一杯酒
朋友不曾孤單過 一聲朋友你會懂
還有傷 還有痛 還要走 還有我

朋友一生一起走 那些日子不再有
一句話 一輩子 一生情 一杯酒
朋友不曾孤單過 一聲朋友你會懂
還有傷 還有痛 還要走 還有我

一句話 一輩子 一生情 一杯酒  

---------------------------


寶貝對不起(草蜢)

作曲: A.Chotikul

編曲: 方樹樑

填詞: 謝明訓

怕你多情　怕你多情　怕我不忍心
雨下不停　雨下不停　心情也不定
讓我相信　讓我相信　你會好好地
不必約定　不必約定　也不會忘記

寶貝對不起　不是不疼你
真的不願意　又讓你哭泣
寶貝對不起　不是不愛你
我也不願意　又讓你傷心

一千朵玫瑰給你　要你好好愛自己
一萬萬句對不起　離開你是不得已
一千顆真心給你　你不要沉默不語
一萬萬句我愛你　我一定回來看你

----------------------



小牧童

小牧童
戴草笠
騎牛背
吹短笛
笛聲遠
笛聲清
 東村西村處處聞


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不知道爲啥, 我的感覺我的歌裡無人...  小寶的三首歌裡都是人...  :p   

movie afterthought

I just finished Ruby Spark last night.  I thought it would be a romantic comedy.  But there was much more, to me personally. It's kind sad really.