wondering

i am wondering.  i am wondering, i heard a saying that speak from your nature.  but what came out of my mouth and jump out of my tongue is terrible and causing injury?  i am bitter right now, so what i said is naturally bitter.  not only it does not sound right in other people's ear, neither does it sound right in mine...  but i am so lonely, i want to speak, want to have fun, and wish to find a way to express myself properly.  but all i get is fear of inproper words, hurting some people, reveal the inner me, which is ugly, bitter, and frightful.  granted that's not all, but what comes out of my tongue seemed to be all those above...  I tried hard to be encourage, positive, proper.  but bitterness is a ocean wave, which would keep coming up. 

i felt terrible, lonely, and all i want to do is die.  i am already a living dead person.  i am not living my life.  i felt a great energy just want to outburst out of me.  i also tried hard to contain it.  i understand i need a channel, a proper channel to let it out.  but i also felt a it is not true.  i wish it to be a awesome creative force, but deep down, i also felt i am disillusioned.  just to keep everything stand still in there already caused me everything. 

when someone asked me what i want when i was just graduated from high school.  i could not tell them.  when someone asked the same question again when i was quit college, i still could not tell.  but now, i think i have the answer.  but that answer is wrong.  is not right, is sad.  it's so small. it has no future.  no ambition.  no outlook.  all i want is to fall in love helplessly and never get out of it.  but to be safe, to make the one girl that i felt in love with happy. don't we as a male, have to think about how to achieve and what do we have at our disposal to achieve that goal?  at the end, i realized that there is no chance for me to make anyone happy.  i have to squander that dream.  the one desire i had, i have.  i continue to fight it.  and i know it's a good fight.  i know it's an obsession.  if it's an obsession, it's dillusional.  just like a wet dream.  yes, it's like a wet dream.  it's a disllusioned desire that can only happen in a dream.  you can dream up super model, but you when you are awake, i know it's a disillusion.  even if in real life a super model said she loved me.  i will walk out and run away. 

so what now?  i am just a pretentious fool.  wait for the death to come.  i just want to die.  i really just want o die.