saying something wrong

i am afraid of saying something wrong. and yet, ｉ　constantly saying something wrong nowadays. so i tried hard to hold my tongue tight. but the things that slipped out was horrible. even worse, constantly checking and rechecking what i am going to say, makes things super unnatural. it is stiff, and losing the ability to discern the right words, timed the words wrong, and losing the meaning while the words are on the way out.

it is not a state of blank. there is something alright. i do not want to cause trouble. yet, i do, i do. all the reasons cannot save me. i am tired and scared. i talk to myself. constantly. no one hears me if i said anything wrong. i am a selfish person. i am a selfish person. i am scared. i am scared. almost uncontrollable urge to tremble. a dark hole inside of my chest sucking everything from me. i do not want to say anything harmful. i do not want to say anything that would cause pain. i wish everybody is fine and dandy. i hate myself. it is always i i i i i i i i i i !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how come i can't come out right. i want to be right. saying appropriate things. i try hard to. but i am scared, i am jealous, i am angry, i am sad, i am nervous, i lust, i want, i need... iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!