a little desparation brooding

I felt a bit lousy.  Just a moment ago, I had an impulse of hitting my head against the wall, almost felt like a blood boiling rage all of a sudden. 

But after writing a few, it makes me calm down. 

I felt I lost all interests.  The only thing I do in my down time was to find work.  Work.  I hate those works.  Mind numbing!  I keep telling myself, it's a good training.  I lack patience, I lack focus.  Those jobs is good training ground for both.  Talking about it riled me up. 

But I think I need to learn to relax. 

Too much learning, too many lessons. 

And yet, if I ask myself 3 questions, can I answer them? 

1.  What's my primary doctor's name? 

2.  How much money in my VG account? 

3.  What's more important, cooking or watching movies? 

Self study

It came to my attention.  Just how much do I know about myself?  I think the way I tramp on myself is only to tell other people when they scold at me, I can tell them, I already know those bad things about myself. 

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I consider myself weak.  To the point that I can hardly be me, except when I was alone, maybe.  I am very prone to imitate.  There were once, I was alone with my 90+ grandpa.  I fixed lunch for both of us.  My grandpa sat across me, and I just watched him eat.  My grandpa ate his food with a unique manner at this age.  He would close his eyes and chew.  Something must have happened, because a few moments later, I found myself doing the exactly same facial expression as him!  When I realized it, I was in shock.  And I painfully hoped my grandpa did not notice! 

My reason for this to happen is that I am prone to be affected by my surroundings.  This happened when I need to answer questions right away.  Usually, my brain is a blank at that moment.  But if it's by writing, I might be able to express my thought more freely and readable as well. 

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I've been wanting to write that paragraph for a long time.  The incident was very much true.  I felt I was completely following grandpa's facial movement very closely, and maybe in my mind, my face somehow looked just like his face... 

How should I looked at this?  Is it an excuse for myself to say that I am a failure right now, because I imitate other failures?  The whole grandpa face imitation is real though.  I think I just need to find out why...  I felt very low energy at that moment... 

Back from Post Office

This is my first day to work on post office during weekday.  I don't like it.  They only let me work on sorting.  I went home at about 11.  The sorting was a mechanical action, with a lot of works.  They said today was light.  :p  I need to find a way to relax.  I worked non stop, because I had that feeling of what if they think I suck at it....  Forget about it!?!?  I am new at this, and I am sorry, that feeling did not help me at all, made me tired and exhausted for a very simple and repetitive job... 

Let me say this, once and for all.  If I think this job is easy, let's do it with grace, do it right, do it well, and relax have fun with it.  Forget about those stupid worries. 

How to be direct

Frasier Season 8 Episode 9

Frasier's Edge

Conversation between Frasier and William Tewksbury:

Frasier went to see his mentor.  Frasier was hung up on Dr. Tewksbury's words of "You must be very proud of yourself." 

Dr. Tewksbury:  All right!
The caller is...You! 

Frasier:  Fine! 

Dr. Tewksbury:  On line one...we have Frasier Crane from Seattle. 

Frasier:  Hello, Dr. Crane, I love your show,  a big fan. 
I won't bore you with all the details of my life, because...you know them.  Suffice to say... I am a successful psychiatrist.   My problem is...in spite of the life I've built...I feel...empty. 

Frasier:  Ah, emptiness.  The eternal void.  If I'm not mistaken, it was John Keats who once wrote...

Dr. Tewksbury:  Stalling, deal with the feelings.

Frasier:  Alright, fair enough. 

Frasier:  Perhaps, caller, if we reframe the issue, we can...

Dr. Tewksbury:  Redefining the problem.  Deal with the feelings. 

Frasier:  Uh...  Let's run down the Beck Depression Inventory. 

Dr. Tewksbury:  Re-diagnosing.  You know what the problem is:  the caller feels empty.  Go on. 

Frasier:  Last month in the New England Journal...

Dr. Tewksbury:  He's already read it. 

Frasier:  How do you know?! 

Dr. Tewksbury:  The caller is Frasier Crane, if you did, he did. 

Frasier:  I can suggest certain visualization techniques that might help...

Dr. Tewksbury:  He knows them already. 

Frasier:  Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling? 

Dr. Tewksbury:  He told you--because he is empty.  Keep going. 

Frasier:  Well, uh, sometimes it helps to...yourself a letter...

Dr. Tewksbury:  He's already got himself on the phone...

Frasier: But I don't know what he wants! 

Dr. Tewksbury:  Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises? 

Frasier:  Because that's all I have! 

Frasier:  I am sorry, caller, I can't help you. 

Afterthought: Shape of Water

I was excited to watch the film  I was kind pushed by George.  I am glad I got...encouraged. 

I thought it was alright, the movie started out like a standard fairy tale.  However, every visual was so grounded, so solid.   I watched until about half then went to bed.  I finished the next afternoon, which was yesterday.  The ending stroke me with big bat like a savage!  Truly a great love poem!  I can't believe the director really wrote a poem using sound, sight, and dialogues!  Every character was well realized and acted!  I felt like I was watching into an aquarium!  And it was mesmerizing!

I felt the music was french.  And it painted a very unique atmosphere.  Sort of delicate, but dreamy quality.  There were intense moment but never spiraled down to violence.   And for such a movie, you need a evil guy.   Michael Shannon nailed it!  He always nailed bad guy in my memory.

The ending was weird, it really hit hard.  I don't know why.  I don't want to say, but Sally Hawkins wasn't pretty here or anywhere in my memory.  But the expression was deep and beautiful!  Sally is awesome! 

I love poems from films.  And this one has one too:

Unable to perceive the shape of you
I find you all around me
Your presence fills my eyes with your love
It humbles my heart
For you are everywhere

I searched the poem online.  The first link I clicked on, a awesome article showed up! 

Who wrote the poem at the end of Shape of Water?
(https://blogs.loc.gov/catbird/2018/03/who-wrote-the-poem-at-the-end-of-the-shape-of-water/)


I recommend to take a look at the article.  I did not know there is this kind of job, where you search for poems for other people.  And it is so interesting to see other people have the same kind of interest as me too.  I am quite certain that this poem is from a book called, The Book of Everything: Journey of the Heart's Desire: Hakim Sanai’s Walled Garden of Truth.  Thanks to the article!!  

My plan from yester day

my plan from yesterday:  go to bed at 9, wake up at 5.   if by any chance, i go to bed at 8, I will be up at 4.  Practice this until Saturday night.

Duration:  3 days,(Thur 7/12, Fri 7/13, Sat 7/14)

When I got home.

When I got home, I had lunch.  Then I went to take a nap.  Got up in an hour.  No, woke up in an hour.  I lied on the floor, can't think of anything to do.  That's why I am here writing this blog. 

April said that her Mother in law just sat around all day long.  If they did not tell her to do anything, she just sat there and  did nothing, but daydreaming, or napping.  She doesn't use her mind much, not even watching TV.  I feel I am the same way when I was back home.  I did not have anything in mind to do anything. 

I don't like to have a brain like that.  But I could not find much to do besides sleeping.  Don't know why. 

Notes for lynda programming

7/9/2018  12.42pm


Chapt. 1:


Programming languages are categorized into families.

Plain text for programming, not rich text.  (Plain text editor)


"Hello, world!"

Programmer's text editors

IDE, Integrated Development Environment

Compiled and Interpreted languages, how a machine run the code

Compiled language: computer1 change the the source code into machine code and gives computer2 the machine code, computer2 never sees the source code, but can execute the machine code no problemo.

Interpreted language:  Transfer the source code instead machine code.  The receiving computer will then interpreted the source code.  There's separated file during the transfer. 

IL: Intermediate language, a compromise between Compiled and Integrated

JavaScript: webpage program language, scripting language: embedded in another program(web browsers); C based, interpreted, case sensitive. 

html: hyper text mocked up language

I worked 12.5 hours today

I worked 12.5 hours as an Assistant Rural Carrier for postal service  today.  The hub sent out 2 carriers to helped me out at the end, they took 12 stops from me.  I did 95+26 stops in total.  I felt it was quite impressive, although I ran into difficulty at the end, due to unfamiliar with the route, scanner GPS routing problem, inaccurate markings on packages, and my stupid insistence on procedures.

I was very concerned at the end.  I kept wondering what the hub would think of me.  I kept thinking I am sorry.  Now I got home, 4 hours later, I am still up.  My brain is blank and could not go to bed.  I think I overworked.  I think.  I overworked.  I am up writing this, because I feel so weird that all my thoughts were worries.  Worries of how the hub people gonna think of me.  Worries, how those two female mailmen would looked down upon me.  I am very uncomfortable with the thought.

If I wasn't working, and you asked me would I worry about other people's view on me.  I would tell you I do not care.  But it's not the truth.  I must really care a lot about it, to the point of total dependent on it.  I always remember my friend in middle school asked, or more of confronting me, why do you always say what they want to hear?  I could not really answer it.  I did not think I always say things to please, or say what they want to hear.  But, I found the reality.  It is such, even with my mother.  And the funny thing is anyone can see that.  But they don't say anything.

If I let myself rate the work today, I think it's alright.  I had 95 stops, 18 more than the last Sunday.  I finished about 1 hour more than the last Sunday.  It's about the same rate.  Of course, there's more space for improvement.  But my effort is the same.  My focus is about the same.  I liked that I prioritized certain stops, deviated from the list provided.  Because I am getting familiar with the route.  Overall, it's a good work today.     With the second run, I usually learn things slow, so there's no surprises.  But why was I so worried.  The result was not perfect, but I tried a new route after a fully loaded one.  I just started to do this since June.  And I did not do this every day.  Yes, Rob can do 177, which is double my speed almost.  But why how could I compare myself to him???????   He's CCA. 

I felt a bit frustrated, because it's warehouse all over again.  When I thought back, warehouse was a joke.  All the other guys are doing serious work.  They have a lot of stress, talking about money, their meeting really requires knowledge and wisdom.  Warehouse was such a place where a high school kid can do it, as long as he's focused, can carry some loads, and has a good ethics.   Oh, Vic and Anne made things easy too.  With those quality, you don't even need to go to school for it.  And yet, I treated it like a big deal.

Was I describing a fact, or was I undermining myself again?  Did I do my best today?  I want to say yes.  But the result was bad.  Oh, and my knee is acting up from the last mountain climb.

I want to find a way to improve.  Improve the way I load my truck, improve the way I mark the boxes.  But there is another voice in my mind asking why?  It's just a job.  Remember the last one?  I did so much extra, and yet, I got booted.  The extra didn't keep me there.  No one mentioned it now, except CJ and my Mother.   Why not improving, am I so busy that I have something better to do?  And doesn't better man learn more in the same time compare to the average?  The time I am gonna spent on improving,  will not occupy too much of my time.   I will learn new way to organize and prioritize.  Did not I learn a little bit of excel from warehouse job?  I wasted enough time on many things more useless even harmful.

Worried about what superior would think of you is normal.  But when the things pass, I also know what I did, how I did.  I am certain of my effort.  This is just a job.  I should be more concerned with my own affair and my mom's, and my sister's.  The worry in the past, let it go.  Don't worry the worry... No need to feel shame about it. 

I worked 12.5 hours today.  I felt empty after that.  I must be tired.  Let me go to sleep.  I know I did my best.  Thanks to Crystal and Caroline and Julie.  My mother worried so much she did not went for walk.   Hope she find rest tonight. 

Tomorrow is a new day, I need to get up early, hoping to catch mike before he started on other cars.  :p  Turning in now. 

Jurassic world fallen afterthought

I spent the only summer dollar on this movie.  I passed black P, Avenger IW, even incredibles 2.  I really don't know why.  I read and watched reviews, but it did not stop me.  Something here was really intriguing.  

I think it's an okay movie.   I really liked Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard.  But they did not showed up too much.  Most of the stuff I remembered from the movie were evil corporations, betrayal, clone girl, and dinosaur.  At the end, I agree with some critiques, that this movie was served as a intermediate piece, for the dinosaurs to get on American soil. 

I think clone girl is rational sequence for the Jurassic movie.  But it also pushed the whole series into a direction, which I don't like.  Because think about it, the core theme for Jurassic series is not about dinosaurs.  It's about gene technology we, human, attempted, trying, and eventually might really  master it.  What makes Jurassic park so intriguing though is not the technology itself though.  I think it's the fear for the uncontrollable nature.  This nature, has no thoughts, there's no justice, it is sort of chaos.  Although Fallen Kingdom still has dinosaurs, but they became manageable.  They are not the center of the movie, humans are!  And while the nature has no thoughts, no intentions, no justice, humans have them.  This has happened with Alien series and Jaw series as well. 

Many of the great movies should not be a series.  Because, they become predicable, and when they become rational, that we, human can truly understand, then, the whole intrigue is brought down from the sky and unto the earth.  I call marvel's movies as soap opera, because, they are littered with human intentions. 

My prediction, is that US government, and other human government will now have to deal with the problem.  This can go either way, one is planet of Dinosaurs, or instead of evil corporations, governments will be the ones to weaponize the dinosaurs.  Either way, the clone girl will probably like the girl in Godzilla...  She is connected to them in some way... 

Perseverance, Insistence, Consistence

My Father works to this day, and I am working too  (Approximate, John 5:17)

I have so many things on my desk and around, remnants of things I wanted to do.  Japanese words scraps, Note book titled: my song book, Medical terms vocabulary cards, Card materials, Books I wanted to read, Things I wanted to sell...  Things I thought I might have use one day.

None of them came true.

My alone time, was spend on youtube, various online articles, including news and other unrelated things, surfing things I wanted to buy for vanity reason, and porns.

I remember 4, 5 years ago, when I first met Jessica's sister.  My mom likes her, and we talked excitedly about growing plants.  I would get up early and water the plants.  But after a certain period, my guess it can't be over 2 months, my enthusiasm died down.

I remember I would bring Japanese to warehouse and studied there.  I would practice writing, and phrases.  I would download apps to try.  I would read manga and mimic each sound by the Japanese character on it.  I would listen to youtube video and repeat afterwards.  I tried that for 2 months, or even less.  

I am so interested in cars, I watched so many videos, on  cleaning, detailing, on mechanical issues.  I would go and search any weird issues on my car.  I would ask Vic about it.  I talked about it passionately with my mom and pointed out every car I know on the street. I would still point out cars a the street, but besides occasional consumer report, I stopped it.

I would sometimes jumps on a cleaning spree for a few days in the kitchen, or my house.  But it is always short lived.  Although it was all scheduled, basement every Saturday, kitchen cabinet doors everything Friday night...etc. 

I had many projects around the house, I would buy the material and forget about them.  Those material won't rot, but my spirit would slowly wither.

I would buy condiments and ingredients that I want to cook.  I would only use them again with my Mother's complaints.

I saved some weights, I put them in my room, I never used them.  I have this whole scheme of yoga practice, in the wish to bring my mom into it.  I would hopping on the stationary bike and imagined I would do it persistently from now on.  Imagination is imagination. 

I copied some text from ancient text book, I traced a few ancient Chinese medical drawing.  I want to study Chinese medicines.  Never happened.

I bought many sketch books.  I bought many pencils, color pencils...   Could not keep up. 

I practiced martial arts, long fist, tai chi,  I stopped now.  

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I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured, I am quite prolific with excuses.  If anything, it's not the lack of imagination. 

I felt short and uncomfortable when other people are around.  I keep thinking I am not good enough.  It's not the talent or smart.  Yes, I am weird, but it's not the reason for not feeling good enough.  I want to do so many things, but none was getting done.  Are those two, "want to do a lot, but none getting done" and "feeling short around other people", related to each other?   I know I am capable of  working.  I am looking for jobs.  But the jobs I looked for, I looked down upon them.  I did the same with myself.  But it's has nothing to do with the job.  It must be me, who without perseverance,  which is defined as doing things despite "I don't feel like it, I am too tired, I don't have time, I am injured".  When I got a job, I felt I splashed myself onto it.  But my job doesn't last 24 hours.  What do I do with the rest of my life? 

Don't stop writing, don't stop thinking, don't stop talking, don't stop doing.  There's a reason I am alone.  This is an opportunity, not a misfortune.  Plus, I am not really alone.  Don't forget.