Saturday, April 03, 2021

Poems from Out of Africa

Rose-lipped maidens, light foot lads


(It's from A. E. Housman's Shropshire Lad:


With rue my heart is laden

For golden friends I had,

For many a rose-lipt maiden

And many a lightfoot lad.


By brooks too broad for leaping

The lightfoot boys are laid;

The rose-lipt girls are sleeping

In fields where roses fade.)

----------------------------

The Last monologue:

Mail has come today and a friend writes this to me:

The Masai have reported to the district commissioner of Ngong    

that many times at sunrise and sunset

they have seen lions on Finch Hatton's grave.

A lion and a lioness have come there

and stood, or lain on the grave for a long time.  

After you went away,

the ground around the grave was leveled out

into sort of a terrace.

I suppose the level place 

makes a good site for the lions.

From there they have a view over the plain,

and the cattle and game on it.

Denys will like that.

I must remember to tell him.  


-----------------------------------------------

Karen read the poem at the funeral:


To an Athlete dying young by AE Houseman
The time you won your town the race  
We chaired you through the market-place;  
Man and boy stood cheering by,  
And home we brought you shoulder-high.  
  
To-day, the road all runners come,    
Shoulder-high we bring you home,  
And set you at your threshold down,  
Townsman of a stiller town.  
  
Smart lad, to slip betimes away  
From fields where glory does not stay, 
And early though the laurel grows  
It withers quicker than the rose.  
  
Eyes the shady night has shut  
Cannot see the record cut,  
And silence sounds no worse than cheers 
After earth has stopped the ears:  
  
Now you will not swell the rout  
Of lads that wore their honours out,  
Runners whom renown outran  
And the name died before the man. 
  
So set, before its echoes fade,  
The fleet foot on the sill of shade,  
And hold to the low lintel up  
The still-defended challenge-cup.  
  
And round that early-laurelled head
Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead,  
And find unwithered on its curls  
The garland briefer than a girl’s.


Then Karen Continued:

Now take back the soul of Denys goerge finch hatton

whom you have shared with us 

he brought us joy and we loved him well

he was not ours

he was not mine.  


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Laugh loud and long all the while his eyes went to and fro

ha ha says he, full flame the devil knows how to roll

farewell farewell but this i tell thee the wedding guest

he prayth well who loved well

both man the bird and the beast (not a complete rendition... the complete rendition was below in bold)

(The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772 - 1834)

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

The Bridegroom's doors are opened wide,
And I am next of kin;
The guests are met, the feast is set:
May'st hear the merry din.'

He holds him with his skinny hand,
'There was a ship,' quoth he.
'Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

He holds him with his glittering eye--
The Wedding-Guest stood still,
And listens like a three years' child:
The Mariner hath his will.

The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone:
He cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

'The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Merrily did we drop
Below the kirk, below the hill,
Below the lighthouse top.

The Sun came up upon the left,
Out of the sea came he!
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea.

Higher and higher every day,
Till over the mast at noon--'
The Wedding-Guest here beat his breast,
For he heard the loud bassoon.

The bride hath paced into the hall,
Red as a rose is she;
Nodding their heads before her goes
The merry minstrelsy.

The Wedding-Guest he beat his breast,
Yet he cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

And now the STORM-BLAST came, and he
Was tyrannous and strong:
He struck with his o'ertaking wings,
And chased us south along.

With sloping masts and dipping prow,
As who pursued with yell and blow
Still treads the shadow of his foe,
And forward bends his head,
The ship drove fast, loud roared the blast,
And southward aye we fled.

And now there came both mist and snow,
And it grew wondrous cold:
And ice, mast-high, came floating by,
As green as emerald.

And through the drifts the snowy clifts
Did send a dismal sheen:
Nor shapes of men nor beasts we ken--
The ice was all between.

The ice was here, the ice was there,
The ice was all around:
It cracked and growled, and roared and howled,
Like noises in a swound!

At length did cross an Albatross,
Thorough the fog it came;
As if it had been a Christian soul,
We hailed it in God's name.

It ate the food it ne'er had eat,
And round and round it flew.
The ice did split with a thunder-fit;
The helmsman steered us through!

And a good south wind sprung up behind;
The Albatross did follow,
And every day, for food or play,
Came to the mariner's hollo!

In mist or cloud, on mast or shroud,
It perched for vespers nine;
Whiles all the night, through fog-smoke white,
Glimmered the white Moon-shine.'

'God save thee, ancient Mariner!
From the fiends, that plague thee thus!--
Why look'st thou so?'--With my cross-bow
I shot the ALBATROSS.

PART II
The Sun now rose upon the right:
Out of the sea came he,
Still hid in mist, and on the left
Went down into the sea.

And the good south wind still blew behind,
But no sweet bird did follow,
Nor any day for food or play
Came to the mariner's hollo!

And I had done a hellish thing,
And it would work 'em woe:
For all averred, I had killed the bird
That made the breeze to blow.
Ah wretch! said they, the bird to slay,
That made the breeze to blow!

Nor dim nor red, like God's own head,
The glorious Sun uprist:

Then all averred, I had killed the bird
That brought the fog and mist.
'Twas right, said they, such birds to slay,
That bring the fog and mist.

The fair breeze blew, the white foam flew,
The furrow followed free;
We were the first that ever burst
Into that silent sea.

Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,
'Twas sad as sad could be;
And we did speak only to break
The silence of the sea!

All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody Sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the Moon.

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

The very deep did rot: O Christ!
That ever this should be!
Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea.

About, about, in reel and rout
The death-fires danced at night;
The water, like a witch's oils,
Burnt green, and blue and white.

And some in dreams assurèd were
Of the Spirit that plagued us so;
Nine fathom deep he had followed us
From the land of mist and snow.

And every tongue, through utter drought,
Was withered at the root;
We could not speak, no more than if
We had been choked with soot.

Ah! well a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

PART III
There passed a weary time. Each throat
Was parched, and glazed each eye.
A weary time! a weary time!
How glazed each weary eye,

When looking westward, I beheld
A something in the sky.

At first it seemed a little speck,
And then it seemed a mist;
It moved and moved, and took at last
A certain shape, I wist.

A speck, a mist, a shape, I wist!
And still it neared and neared:
As if it dodged a water-sprite,
It plunged and tacked and veered.

With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
We could nor laugh nor wail;
Through utter drought all dumb we stood!
I bit my arm, I sucked the blood,
And cried, A sail! a sail!

With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
Agape they heard me call:
Gramercy! they for joy did grin,
And all at once their breath drew in.
As they were drinking all.

See! see! (I cried) she tacks no more!
Hither to work us weal;
Without a breeze, without a tide,
She steadies with upright keel!

The western wave was all a-flame.
The day was well nigh done!
Almost upon the western wave
Rested the broad bright Sun;
When that strange shape drove suddenly
Betwixt us and the Sun.

And straight the Sun was flecked with bars,
(Heaven's Mother send us grace!)
As if through a dungeon-grate he peered
With broad and burning face.

Alas! (thought I, and my heart beat loud)
How fast she nears and nears!
Are those her sails that glance in the Sun,
Like restless gossameres?

Are those her ribs through which the Sun
Did peer, as through a grate?
And is that Woman all her crew?
Is that a DEATH? and are there two?
Is DEATH that woman's mate?

Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold:
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Night-mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold.

The naked hulk alongside came,
And the twain were casting dice;
'The game is done! I've won! I've won!'
Quoth she, and whistles thrice.

The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out;
At one stride comes the dark;
With far-heard whisper, o'er the sea,
Off shot the spectre-bark.

We listened and looked sideways up!
Fear at my heart, as at a cup,
My life-blood seemed to sip!
The stars were dim, and thick the night,
The steersman's face by his lamp gleamed white;
From the sails the dew did drip--
Till clomb above the eastern bar
The hornèd Moon, with one bright star
Within the nether tip.

One after one, by the star-dogged Moon,
Too quick for groan or sigh,
Each turned his face with a ghastly pang,
And cursed me with his eye.

Four times fifty living men,
(And I heard nor sigh nor groan)
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
They dropped down one by one.

The souls did from their bodies fly,--
They fled to bliss or woe!
And every soul, it passed me by,
Like the whizz of my cross-bow!

PART IV
'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!
I fear thy skinny hand!
And thou art long, and lank, and brown,
As is the ribbed sea-sand.

I fear thee and thy glittering eye,
And thy skinny hand, so brown.'--
Fear not, fear not, thou Wedding-Guest!
This body dropt not down.

Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.

The many men, so beautiful!
And they all dead did lie:
And a thousand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.

I looked upon the rotting sea,
And drew my eyes away;
I looked upon the rotting deck,
And there the dead men lay.

I looked to heaven, and tried to pray;
But or ever a prayer had gusht,
A wicked whisper came, and made
My heart as dry as dust.

I closed my lids, and kept them close,
And the balls like pulses beat;
For the sky and the sea, and the sea and the sky
Lay dead like a load on my weary eye,
And the dead were at my feet.

The cold sweat melted from their limbs,
Nor rot nor reek did they:
The look with which they looked on me
Had never passed away.

An orphan's curse would drag to hell
A spirit from on high;
But oh! more horrible than that
Is the curse in a dead man's eye!
Seven days, seven nights, I saw that curse,
And yet I could not die.

The moving Moon went up the sky,
And no where did abide:
Softly she was going up,
And a star or two beside--

Her beams bemocked the sultry main,
Like April hoar-frost spread;
But where the ship's huge shadow lay,
The charmèd water burnt alway
A still and awful red.

Beyond the shadow of the ship,
I watched the water-snakes:
They moved in tracks of shining white,
And when they reared, the elfish light
Fell off in hoary flakes.

Within the shadow of the ship
I watched their rich attire:
Blue, glossy green, and velvet black,
They coiled and swam; and every track
Was a flash of golden fire.

O happy living things! no tongue
Their beauty might declare:
A spring of love gushed from my heart,
And I blessèd them unaware:
Sure my kind saint took pity on me,
And I blessed them unaware.

The self-same moment I could pray;
And from my neck so free
The Albatross fell off, and sank
Like lead into the sea.

PART V
Oh sleep! it is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole!
To Mary Queen the praise be given!
She sent the gentle sleep from Heaven,
That slid into my soul.

The silly buckets on the deck,
That had so long remained,
I dreamt that they were filled with dew;
And when I awoke, it rained.

My lips were wet, my throat was cold,
My garments all were dank;
Sure I had drunken in my dreams,
And still my body drank.

I moved, and could not feel my limbs:
I was so light--almost
I thought that I had died in sleep,
And was a blessed ghost.

And soon I heard a roaring wind:
It did not come anear;
But with its sound it shook the sails,
That were so thin and sere.

The upper air burst into life!
And a hundred fire-flags sheen,
To and fro they were hurried about!
And to and fro, and in and out,
The wan stars danced between.

And the coming wind did roar more loud,
And the sails did sigh like sedge,
And the rain poured down from one black cloud;
The Moon was at its edge.

The thick black cloud was cleft, and still
The Moon was at its side:
Like waters shot from some high crag,
The lightning fell with never a jag,
A river steep and wide.

The loud wind never reached the ship,
Yet now the ship moved on!
Beneath the lightning and the Moon
The dead men gave a groan.

They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose,
Nor spake, nor moved their eyes;
It had been strange, even in a dream,
To have seen those dead men rise.

The helmsman steered, the ship moved on;
Yet never a breeze up-blew;
The mariners all 'gan work the ropes,
Where they were wont to do;
They raised their limbs like lifeless tools--
We were a ghastly crew.

The body of my brother's son
Stood by me, knee to knee:
The body and I pulled at one rope,
But he said nought to me.

'I fear thee, ancient Mariner!'
Be calm, thou Wedding-Guest!
'Twas not those souls that fled in pain,
Which to their corses came again,
But a troop of spirits blest:

For when it dawned--they dropped their arms,
And clustered round the mast;
Sweet sounds rose slowly through their mouths,
And from their bodies passed.

Around, around, flew each sweet sound,
Then darted to the Sun;
Slowly the sounds came back again,
Now mixed, now one by one.

Sometimes a-dropping from the sky
I heard the sky-lark sing;
Sometimes all little birds that are,
How they seemed to fill the sea and air
With their sweet jargoning!

And now 'twas like all instruments,
Now like a lonely flute;
And now it is an angel's song,
That makes the heavens be mute.

It ceased; yet still the sails made on
A pleasant noise till noon,
A noise like of a hidden brook
In the leafy month of June,
That to the sleeping woods all night
Singeth a quiet tune.

Till noon we quietly sailed on,
Yet never a breeze did breathe:
Slowly and smoothly went the ship,
Moved onward from beneath.

Under the keel nine fathom deep,
From the land of mist and snow,
The spirit slid: and it was he
That made the ship to go.
The sails at noon left off their tune,
And the ship stood still also.

The Sun, right up above the mast,
Had fixed her to the ocean:
But in a minute she 'gan stir,
With a short uneasy motion--
Backwards and forwards half her length
With a short uneasy motion.

Then like a pawing horse let go,
She made a sudden bound:
It flung the blood into my head,
And I fell down in a swound.
How long in that same fit I lay,
I have not to declare;
But ere my living life returned,
I heard and in my soul discerned
Two voices in the air.

'Is it he?' quoth one, 'Is this the man?
By him who died on cross,
With his cruel bow he laid full low
The harmless Albatross.

The spirit who bideth by himself
In the land of mist and snow,
He loved the bird that loved the man
Who shot him with his bow.'

The other was a softer voice,
As soft as honey-dew:
Quoth he, 'The man hath penance done,
And penance more will do.'

PART VI
'But tell me, tell me! speak again,
Thy soft response renewing--
What makes that ship drive on so fast?
What is the ocean doing?'

'Still as a slave before his lord,
The ocean hath no blast;
His great bright eye most silently
Up to the Moon is cast--

If he may know which way to go;
For she guides him smooth or grim.
See, brother, see! how graciously
She looketh down on him.'

'But why drives on that ship so fast,
Without or wave or wind?'

'The air is cut away before,
And closes from behind.

Fly, brother, fly! more high, more high!
Or we shall be belated:
For slow and slow that ship will go,
When the Mariner's trance is abated.'

I woke, and we were sailing on
As in a gentle weather:
'Twas night, calm night, the moon was high;
The dead men stood together.

All stood together on the deck,
For a charnel-dungeon fitter:
All fixed on me their stony eyes,
That in the Moon did glitter.

The pang, the curse, with which they died,
Had never passed away:
I could not draw my eyes from theirs,
Nor turn them up to pray.

And now this spell was snapt: once more
I viewed the ocean green,
And looked far forth, yet little saw
Of what had else been seen--

Like one, that on a lonesome road
Doth walk in fear and dread,
And having once turned round walks on,
And turns no more his head;
Because he knows, a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.

But soon there breathed a wind on me,
Nor sound nor motion made:
Its path was not upon the sea,
In ripple or in shade.

It raised my hair, it fanned my cheek
Like a meadow-gale of spring--
It mingled strangely with my fears,
Yet it felt like a welcoming.

Swiftly, swiftly flew the ship,
Yet she sailed softly too:
Sweetly, sweetly blew the breeze--
On me alone it blew.

Oh! dream of joy! is this indeed
The light-house top I see?
Is this the hill? is this the kirk?
Is this mine own countree?

We drifted o'er the harbour-bar,
And I with sobs did pray--
O let me be awake, my God!
Or let me sleep alway.

The harbour-bay was clear as glass,
So smoothly it was strewn!
And on the bay the moonlight lay,
And the shadow of the Moon.

The rock shone bright, the kirk no less,
That stands above the rock:
The moonlight steeped in silentness
The steady weathercock.

And the bay was white with silent light,
Till rising from the same,
Full many shapes, that shadows were,
In crimson colours came.

A little distance from the prow
Those crimson shadows were:
I turned my eyes upon the deck--
Oh, Christ! what saw I there!

Each corse lay flat, lifeless and flat,
And, by the holy rood!
A man all light, a seraph-man,
On every corse there stood.

This seraph-band, each waved his hand:
It was a heavenly sight!
They stood as signals to the land,
Each one a lovely light;

This seraph-band, each waved his hand,
No voice did they impart--
No voice; but oh! the silence sank
Like music on my heart.

But soon I heard the dash of oars,
I heard the Pilot's cheer;
My head was turned perforce away
And I saw a boat appear.

The Pilot and the Pilot's boy,
I heard them coming fast:
Dear Lord in Heaven! it was a joy
The dead men could not blast.

I saw a third--I heard his voice:
It is the Hermit good!
He singeth loud his godly hymns
That he makes in the wood.
He'll shrieve my soul, he'll wash away
The Albatross's blood.

PART VII
This Hermit good lives in that wood
Which slopes down to the sea.
How loudly his sweet voice he rears!
He loves to talk with marineres
That come from a far countree.

He kneels at morn, and noon, and eve--
He hath a cushion plump:
It is the moss that wholly hides
The rotted old oak-stump.

The skiff-boat neared: I heard them talk,
'Why, this is strange, I trow!
Where are those lights so many and fair,
That signal made but now?'

'Strange, by my faith!' the Hermit said--
'And they answered not our cheer!
The planks looked warped! and see those sails,
How thin they are and sere!
I never saw aught like to them,
Unless perchance it were

Brown skeletons of leaves that lag
My forest-brook along;
When the ivy-tod is heavy with snow,
And the owlet whoops to the wolf below,
That eats the she-wolf's young.'

'Dear Lord! it hath a fiendish look--
(The Pilot made reply)
I am a-feared'--'Push on, push on!'
Said the Hermit cheerily.

The boat came closer to the ship,
But I nor spake nor stirred;
The boat came close beneath the ship,
And straight a sound was heard.

Under the water it rumbled on,
Still louder and more dread:
It reached the ship, it split the bay;
The ship went down like lead.

Stunned by that loud and dreadful sound,
Which sky and ocean smote,
Like one that hath been seven days drowned
My body lay afloat;
But swift as dreams, myself I found
Within the Pilot's boat.

Upon the whirl, where sank the ship,
The boat spun round and round;
And all was still, save that the hill
Was telling of the sound.
I moved my lips--the Pilot shrieked
And fell down in a fit;
The holy Hermit raised his eyes,
And prayed where he did sit.

I took the oars: the Pilot's boy,
Who now doth crazy go,
Laughed loud and long, and all the while
His eyes went to and fro.
'Ha! ha!' quoth he, 'full plain I see,
The Devil knows how to row.'


And now, all in my own countree,
I stood on the firm land!
The Hermit stepped forth from the boat,
And scarcely he could stand.

'O shrieve me, shrieve me, holy man!'
The Hermit crossed his brow.
'Say quick,' quoth he, 'I bid thee say--
What manner of man art thou?'

Forthwith this frame of mine was wrenched
With a woful agony,
Which forced me to begin my tale;
And then it left me free.

Since then, at an uncertain hour,
That agony returns:
And till my ghastly tale is told,
This heart within me burns.

I pass, like night, from land to land;
I have strange power of speech;
That moment that his face I see,
I know the man that must hear me:
To him my tale I teach.

What loud uproar bursts from that door!
The wedding-guests are there:
But in the garden-bower the bride
And bride-maids singing are:
And hark the little vesper bell,
Which biddeth me to prayer!

O Wedding-Guest! this soul hath been
Alone on a wide wide sea:
So lonely 'twas, that God himself
Scarce seemed there to be.
O sweeter than the marriage-feast,
'Tis sweeter far to me,
To walk together to the kirk
With a goodly company!--

To walk together to the kirk,
And all together pray,
While each to his great Father bends,
Old men, and babes, and loving friends
And youths and maidens gay!

Farewell, farewell! but this I tell
To thee, thou Wedding-Guest!
He prayeth well, who loveth well
Both man and bird and beast.


He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.

The Mariner, whose eye is bright,
Whose beard with age is hoar,
Is gone: and now the Wedding-Guest
Turned from the bridegroom's door.

He went like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.)






Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Player and the characters they play in a video game

I sometimes wonder the relationship between the player and the character he is playing in a video game.  Is it player exploring the game world by himself, or he's pretending to be the character he is playing?  There are many genres of video games.  RPG, Action, Adventure, Strategy...etc.  I am talking about mostly 3rd person games, which includes mostly RPG and Action.  

When I made a choice in a game, but the character in the game could not execute the command because he's not at certain level.  What psychological effect on the player?  Would he get frustrated?  Does he know why he could not ask the character to execute the action?  If he knew, but he still tried the action.  What kind of mind set is this?  

What if the character in the game was leveled enough to do the required action, but he flat out refused.  And then an inner dialogue start to argue inside the character's mind, what would that conversation be?  And how can the player participate in that conversation?  

When the player are moving along a storyline where the character was supposed to kill somebody, but he refused.  Or the character wanted to kick a chicken in a video game, but the player just did not want to.  What is the relationship between the character and the player?  The character still needs player to command actions to finish the story, the players still need the character to experience the game world.  

I used to envision a game where, the character and player were actually working together to solve a game.  They would argue, and fight, but eventually compromised to finish multi endings.  It's not a multiplayer game, but rather a sophisticated AI, who would argue with its human player, saying what he like to do, and what he doesn't like to do.  So, in way, arguing between player and character is a gameplay itself...  lol  

Random thoughts

我想稍微寫下一點我母親的故事。  這是我從他那裏聽到的。  

  • 我母親是家中的老二。  他有一個雙生妹妹,他們應該同是老二?  他從小就常常提起他們家裡的事。  但是有很多事情,到現在才稍微可以串起來,變成一個可以看的影片吧。  當然這樣說已經是很大膽了。  因為電影多是有情節故事的。  我想我從他那邊得到的片段能不能湊成故事還得看我有無這種能力了。  拍電影要很多計畫,愈要省錢的拍一部好片子,就要詳細充足的計畫和後勤。  和拍片不同,我已先有了一些片段,我目前只是要想辦法存留下片段才是。
  • 我母親的經歷應該是滿特別的。  不過那時代有特別經歷的人大概反而是多數吧。  他們家在民國卅八年時沒有離開大陸。  只有外公一人隻身在船上從海南島隨著招商局的船到了台灣。  聽說還是和孫立人將軍的部隊一起離開,可惜我的記憶也模糊了。  要再找人確定。
  • 母親口下的蘇州沒有太多東西。  我只知道他們的家除了外婆和四個孩子,還有公婆,也就是外公的爸爸媽媽住在一起。  媽媽對祖父的印象有幾個。  一個是他很兇,會給人在頭上來幾個毛栗子,那意思是你不乖的時候他會在你頭上用手指關節敲你。  另外,祖父很喜歡吃醬肉,但是,他們家沒有錢,因為他們家沒有人工作。  祖父要吃醬肉的時候就會跟外婆去要錢,他要不到就要發脾氣。  這時,外婆就會把自己結婚時帶來的手飾或著嫁妝拿去典當,給祖父買醬肉吃。  這就是我從母親聽到的有關他祖父的事情。  
  • 我母親的祖母呢,聽說是一個聾子。  自我母親口中聽到的就是,我母親小時候吃壞了食物,快死了。  後來呢還是活下來了。  但是有一陣子身體極其衰弱。  祖母在天井裡常常就跟著我母親,拿了個小凳子,看到我母親坐下來時,他就去扶著坐在凳子上。  我母親也提到說別人說祖母吃飯,吃完了下桌,別人一點也看不出來她吃了甚麼,桌上的菜好像沒動過似的。  祖母還有一隻貓,養在家裡,即使廳門打開也不會跑到哪兒去。 聽說院子裡也有不少雞,祖母會去餵養他們。  後來我聽大姨說起,他們祖母的媽媽是一個剛好完全相反的人,是一個霸氣自私的人,即使到了晚年還要大口吃岡山羊肉,而且活到很老。  母親的祖母則剛好相反,快五十歲了,在母親他們去台灣後不久,就聽大姨說癌症走了。  
  • 我現在覺得他們那時候住在潘家大院的應該還有母親的叔叔才對。  問過媽媽了,媽媽的叔叔當時在上海工作,只有假期會回家。  他們家還有一個卜孃孃(八姑姑)住在一起,是媽媽祖父的八姊。
  • 母親和他媽媽的關係我覺得很是複雜。  外公常說他們家到台灣的三個孩子都是外婆養大的。  這句話是誰說的,我也說不準了。  最大的可能性應該是到了美國後吧。  我會提到這句話,因為我覺得真的是這樣。  他們家姊弟四個,老大留在了大陸,而老大的生活習慣和母親蘭阿姨和舅舅真是太不一樣了。  這是想當然耳,因他們四個的經歷不同啊。  
  • 而老大口中的母親和我母親口中的母親也就有著截然的不同。  
  • 母親說他以前小時候在蘇州的事,提到外婆通常都是說外婆很喜歡大姨。  如果出去玩,一定會帶著大姨,或著舅舅。  我到了美國還曾聽過母親說自己和蘭阿姨是看門狗。  因為從很少被帶出去玩。  
  • 媽媽說他小時候有一個奇怪的想法,就是以為自己和蘭阿姨長大了以後會合併在一起。  因為他們是雙胞胎,但是真正的原因是,他說那時他們倆吃飯的時候都是合吃一份。  所以他當時以為一定是人家認為他倆是一個人。  他說直到他到了台灣後,遇見了外公,他和蘭阿姨吃飯才各有一份。  母親說他當時覺得很不適應,常常習慣夾自己的一分到別人碗中,外公看到了就要說。  母親在說這事的時候,我感到他有些快慰。  自己從小沒有爸爸,現在有了,而且會注意到自己有沒有一分應得的。  我想這是他很想外公的一個原因。  另外,母親提這事,也常常是說明自己常常沒有自己,總是叨念別人。  
  • 外婆到了台灣後一定過的不快樂。  因為我覺得很多媽媽提到他們在蘇州的事,有不少都是外婆到了台灣之後跟媽媽說的。 媽媽透露出來的都沒有太多歡喜的事。  
  • 母親也提過外婆的親妹妹嫁給了傅家。  那人是個國民黨軍官。  淪陷之後處境不是很好。  只好做起了早餐的生意,賣燒餅油條。  媽媽說那人常常要給母親他們免費的早餐,但是母親都拒絕了。  傅家的姨丈都很不高興。  我說為什麼不拿呢?  他說他就是不敢。  
  • 聽母親說,當時外公寄回家的錢並不很穩定,據外公自己說,他有一次在美國回航,可是他把錢藏在自己的床位,結果一大堆錢就不見了。  媽媽問,怎麼不用銀行呢? 外公說他不怎麼信任銀行。  
  • 媽媽在大陸上學到小學十二年級。  當時他們也有做過紅領軍。  他說他在大躍進的時候,還到處幫忙收集鐵的蓋子,或著各式的資源。  
  • 母親和蘭阿姨的生日是西曆的四月,但是農曆好像是五月。  當時正是玉蘭花開的時候,所以他們的名字一個是玉,一個是蘭。  這不是媽媽說的,這是來了美國後最近從大姨那邊聽到的。  
  • 媽媽在大陸的時候還和中共抗美援朝的時候,他說那時還看過當時的政宣片。  有趣的是,他們在民國四十七年一月到澳門,準備到台灣。  他們是坐火車從蘇州出發。  經過香港,大概是六月左右到了台灣。  一到,就聽到台灣正在準備八二三炮戰。  外婆就說,好了,又要回去啦!
  • 媽媽說聽到金門炮戰的消息,他那時想,如果他在戰場上,大姨也在戰場上,那怎麼辦??
  • 聽媽媽說,住在蘇州的時候,外婆,祖父,祖母,都沒有人工作。  他說在共產國家裡,每個人都得工作。  可是一旦工作,外婆就不能出來了。  所以外婆也沒有工作。  當時的葉婆婆也好像沒有工作。  葉婆婆一家和外婆一家同時同路出來,各自留下了自己的小孩,外婆把大姨留下來。  葉婆婆好像留了兩個,最後老二還是自己跑出來到了台灣。  
  • 最近母親和蘭阿姨講話,母親提到自己小時候曾經中毒快死, 蘭阿姨說怎麼我都沒印象。  母親說當時都把你們往別人家送了,所以你大概沒印象。  母親又說,咦,你好像都不大記得以前的事。  蘭阿姨說,那哩,我記得的你大概也不記得。  像我就記得我們從大陸出來的時候,共產黨把我們的金子手飾都搜括走了,所以我很不喜歡共產黨。  母親說,诶,我還真不記得有這事!
  • 母親他們從蘇州坐火車到廣州,準備從澳門進入香港,最後到台灣。  我是來了美國之後聽舅舅說起在火車上,媽媽和蘭阿姨睡在火車的椅子底下,一路到廣州。  因為只買了一張車票。  

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

A quote from my reading today

"In love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are."

(from the Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah)

我對這句話很有同感。

這說起來實在很幼稚。  我自己不斷的幻想各種的故事,曾經有一個工程師,有一個記者,有一個編劇者,有一個舞者,有一個球員,一個武功高手,一個偵探。。。  我甚至曾經和自己說,在現實裡我做不到我希望的,至少可以在幻想裡虛構出一個我認為完美的,夠資格去愛別人的人。 現在看到這句話, 讓我想到也許我把現實看作一場戰爭,也顯出我的原貌。  小瑋曾經問我,你到底做了甚麼?  什麼也沒做,除了想希望在想像中架構一個理想的自我形象,甚麼也沒有。  


"If I had told him the truth long time ago, or had danced and drunk and sung more, maybe he would have seen me instead of a dependable, ordinary mother.  He loves a version of me that is incomplete.  I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired.  Now I think perhaps I'd like to be known."

(from the Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah)


Sunday, March 28, 2021

Actions in an action adventure video game

 There are some basic actions in every single action adventure video games, let me brain storm a little:

  • Moving from point A to point B.
  • Ability to look around
  • Interact with Objects in the game
  • Interact with PC controlled characters
  • Combat
  • Puzzle solving
  • Platforming
  • Quicktime event
I think the list below is essential,:

  • Moving point A to point B
  • Combat
  • Puzzle
  • Interaction
  • Looking around
Many of actions are designed with a combination of couple or more of the elements above.  My mind was mostly on 3D games, so Looking around was there.  Otherwise the classic 2D games usually don't involve this action.  

Let's use classic Mario for an example.  What actions can be performed in that game?  

  • Moving from point A to point B:  running forward, jumping up and down.  The screen itself will move forward by itself.  
  • Combat: jumping on top of the enemies, or wear a temporary power suit, or throwing stuff at them temporarily, puzzle solving, involved with platforming.
  • Puzzle: solve them mostly by trial and error, and jumping, lots of jumping and practicing your timing skills.
  • Interaction: combat, puzzle solving, jumping, what else?  
  • Looking around, it's a 2D game, no need to look around, unlike metroid...
If I use assassin's creed, I think it would be more appropriate.  My point was an old one, I think I must expressed in some of my old writings.  Moving from point A to point B is very boring in most of the 3D games.  I was watching my cousin playing the latest assassin creed, the combat does not look fun, the long distance travel was very boring.  The only thing looks worth trying was the platforming, but even that would be dull at the end.  Because there's not purpose, not sense of urgency, or secrecy.  I also watched a bit of ghost of tsunami, it's basically the same game, but combat is more involved, but traveling from point A to point B was boring as well.  This trend has been like this since the day I played Gothic I and II.  In fact, I'd say Gothic looked more fun than the latest AC.  

The designer knew that traveling was boring, so they designed quick access points.  But still, why?  It's been how many years in between I actually played a game like gothic?  And yet, the traveling is still pointless.  Why create a huge world and there's nothing in there?  One of my favorite game was blade of darkness severance, there's basically no traveling.  lol  you load into different level, the only point A and point B is the beginning and end of the level.  

A design decision of creating a huge world for traveling does not make sense to me except for creators to claim they create world.  This is fame seeking, not game design.  If the wide big world serve a purpose, and players have to travel vast area for quite sometimes, with purposes, then I'd say for it.  Otherwise. a waste of time, money, and energy.  They could use those extra resource to create cheaper games, experiment games, that serves different types of crowds.  Bigger does not always mean better.  

Even though Ghost of tsunami looks really awesome, I still question the reason for such a big world and yet, not much to do but go to point A and point B to kill and collect.  The designers could just create different levels.  Like the old bushido blade.  The world itself has to serve a purpose, it has to run something vividly and propel the characters into actions.  I could just ride a broom in my kitchen and has the same effect or better effect than in the game!  

All those rant...  Stupid me.  

Sunday, March 21, 2021

讀書感想

 The soul of an octopus by sy montgomery

這本書在講作者和章魚接觸的經驗。  我之前已經看過作者一本書後才特地找這本來看。  這在圖書館的手機軟件上看得,預約的時間很長,至少有十四人排在我前面。  

在讀完這本書後,令我驚訝的是作者其實寫不少他在水族館做義工的時候認識的朋友。  他們的生活,他們想法,他們的奮鬥,他們的目標。  雖說這寫只占全書不到百分之十,可是作者自自然然的寫下這些事情真是令我訝異。  因為這是一本寫他跟章魚接觸的故事。  這令我想到十幾年前我和我表弟的一段對話。  我表弟的媽媽也就是我的小阿姨是個華人,姨丈可是道地的德州白人。  我倆當時住在一個旅館內,我有點忘記是為什麼,好像是我妹的婚禮。  我和他聊天,提到了上大學的目的。  我說上大學的目的當然是學習新知,他說我這樣講真像一個中國人。  他說他媽媽也是一樣。  我問那你說上大學是為什麼?  他說是為了交朋友。  我當時覺得滿奇怪的。  交朋友哪裡都可以交。。。  這本書的作者可以看得出到哪裡都交朋友。 

作者本身已是一個專欄作家在波士頓環球日報。  他也出了好幾本書,都是有關動物的。  他一開始是好奇章魚到底是怎麼一回事,他就向波士頓水族館章魚負責人連絡。  之後的故事,他開做義工,他開始學潛水,最後和一群學者幾次去潛水探險去尋找章魚的家。  這期間除了章魚他似乎也認識愈來愈多的人。  這和我去做義工最後不了了之,是天差地遠。  我感覺最後只是在做苦工,雖然我也願意,但是到最後和別人毫無交集之後,我也不做了。  

一本在將章魚的書我卻拉雜的扯出一堆似乎毫不相干的東西。  我是很喜歡作者的文筆才去看這本書的。  但是我覺得這這本書真正的主題其實是作者在接觸章魚後,他個人為了更了解章魚而做出的努力和經歷。  這本書不光是章魚,如果只是章魚的常識,那只需要幾段文字。  如果是章魚生態研究大全,那很可能會太枯燥乏味了。  如今作者只講個人的經歷,透過這個過程同時講述一些章魚的常識,水族館管如何改進動物的管理和飼養,這樣這本書就構成了一本吸引人的篇章。  但我有時會看不下去,這在我來說很正常。  每本我看的書在看到某一階段的時候都會出現這種現象。  這本書就是到了作者開始講他朋友的事情時,我會看不下去。  如果他只是在講章魚,水族館的沿革等等,我還看得有興趣。  

這位作者其實也有一個主題貫穿我所看過他的兩本書, 就是其實動物也是有感情的有意識的, 有所謂的 consciousness.  就算是章魚,和我們那麼不同也是有意識有情感的甚至有個性的。  從這本書來看似乎這是一個令很多科學家不能承認的事實。  而作者就是有意要打破這一陳見。  我上次看得 Fran de Waal 的書也是在講這事。  

我希望這本書可以被翻譯成中文, 說不定已經有中譯本了。  作者本身的這經驗是有趣極了。  書裡提到的和章魚互動的情況我想是很不容易在看到的,而作者的文筆又是那麼平順自然。   

Saturday, March 20, 2021

my two cats trying to see where it may lead

 The last paragraph of my story was as shown below:


"I did not know much cat before. I’ve always liked dogs. I never thought cat as pet for me. And to my knowledge, I know my sister was scared of cats. I am not sure about my mom, for she always claimed to be fearless of cats and dogs. Anyway, there’s no chance I’d be able to get cats or dogs. But when my aunt started to work in Tufts University, she acquired a friend, who owned two cats. They become really acquainted. My aunt was talking about a very small kitten one day. It’s a white kitten only 2 month old. Mrs. Ling’s daughter, volunteered in MSPCA, brought the kitten home for special care, for it’s too young to be adopted. My aunt was very bewitched by the kitten. And there’s another friend of my aunt, Mrs. Hu"

I shall continue here.  

The ones bewitched was not just my aunt, but also Mrs. Hu.  But Mrs. Hu saw another cat really big, like  the white kitten, it's ragdoll.  Her daughter said that adult white cat looked like a small sheep!  So they decided to adopt another cat, not as fluffy.  I heard their story of adopting their cat.  'tis the season for young kittens.  They went to MSPCA and found a cage of active young kittens.  They picked the one that was sitting back and watched the other kittens play.  They said it was probably easier to handle, others were too wild.  And they were right, it was playful and yet extremely gentle, one of most gentle I've ever met.  And it was very friendly to human, most friendly I've ever seen.  They named him Ashby, because Mrs. Hu's daughter like the sound "ash".  And it was grey with a white collar.  

Once the white kitten ended the foster period, my aunt swooped in to get the kitten.  The history for the kitten was a bit sad, also telling.  Because it was abandoned by its mother behind a barn which is sad.  But it's also telling, because usually a mom cat won't just abandon her kittens, there usually came with a reason.  And the reason is this kitten is easily riled up and would respond easily with bite and claws.  The cat would leave quite a few scars on my aunt and uncle throughout the year.  I've always think he is very lucky to be adopted by my aunt and uncle, who are very loving and tolerated towards him.  I was tasked to feed him a few times, I remember once, I was a bit late when I went to feed him.  He was waiting for him eagerly.  But when he saw me went to kitchen sink to wash my hands first instead going to the food bowl first, he hugged my right leg with both of his claws and sunk his teeth.  My fault though, I was late.  He has no bad intention though.  He liked to play some but only to a point.  Pass that point, he would rile up.  Now he's the only cat left alive.  I really hope he can live longer life.  

When Mark heard Bao Bao was gone, he was shocked.  I understand the emotion.  Cat, especially indoor cat can usually go to their 20s nowadays.  Dong Dong was only 6, Bao Bao only 16.  When Dong Dong passed away, I could not keep my tear in.  I was crying when my mom and I had a coffee once.  I wanted to not let it show again.  But all I wanted was to  cry and cry.  I was doing some light yard work today.  I could not help but squatted by Bao Bao's site and calling out his name.  I know how ridiculous this sounds.  I just missed him terribly.  Very terribly.  

Bao Bao is such a nice cat.