it's horrible. i see her everywhere, on my window drapes, my walls, when i was at walmart today as well... you name it, i see her there. i wish to hug her, kiss her. but it's not a good match. and she would never say yes anyway. i know i am not ready in any aspect of my life, i hate myself for knowing. absolute hate myself. we are way too different. it's an obsession. love is to tolerate with kindness. i already saw her with somebody else. and me, just a bystander, one of those passing through her life.
i don't care. i saw her everywhere. i want to hug her, feel her weight on me, her smooth skin, with a laugh in her eyes, her scent in my nose. i will close my eyes. i want to own her, the same way she owns me too.
what if she said yes. i don't ask myself if she said no. for that's a silly question, similar to asking if i am going to die or not. what if she said yes, then what? where to go, what to say, do i even exist? it's not a joy, for the thoughts of her does not give me pleasure most of the time. it stings me with how incapable of my own image. i am no good. i judged myself to eternal sleep, where not even flame is raised, but nothingness, and forgetfulness.
in fire and ice, i crumbled. I love her, it's a possessive idea. i want her everything to myself. me, only. me only.
i see her everywhere. i want her.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
moving castle
i just saw howl's moving castle yesterday again. it is a very nice story. I wonder why I don't remember about it at all. This is my second viewing.
thoughts
昨天早上十點休息時, aaron 和 cj 到倉庫裡問我要否走路? 我說好. 後來, michelle 和 sofya 也來了. 我們就繞著公司的房子走了幾圈. 我想也只有aaron 才能叫 cj 出來走一走. 之前, 我叫過一次, 和 sofya 還有我一起走, 但是他沒答應. 這兩周我也和 aaron 和 cj 提到應該要在休息的時候做做運動.
有點妒羨之情. :D
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昨天回家的時候, 媽媽有點 upset. 這幾天氣真的是太好了, 他因為腳, 哪裡都不能去. 心情一定是低落的. 吃完飯後, 我就澆水, 剪點韭菜和蔥. 我希望我有無窮的故事講給他聽, 他不見得會喜歡, 但是至少是一個分散注意力的方法.
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昨天我把飲食男女借給 sofya, 他下午的時候到倉庫問我, 這電影是否有性的鏡頭? 我說有一點裸露的片段. 他說他兒子會東問西問的. 所以他要決定是否和他的娃一起看...
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vic 和我做了一整天的 inventory. 因為前幾天發現有兩個貨可能混了. 一個多了三百, 一個少三百. 於是, vic 發憤要把所有不合資料庫的數據通通抓出來改正. 可是一旦到了 C 的部分, 我們就懶了. 其實也是沒必要, 不然整個 whole chain 都要出問題, 從 logistic 到 accounting.
到了四點半, alex 到倉庫和我們開會, 因為有個客戶抱怨他們的貨物上有膠帶的痕跡. 他們要用酒精清半天. vic 抓住機會, 給 alex 我們作的 inventory. 我覺得很好玩, 因為以前聽舅舅說外國人會把自己做的事情和上司一件件的提. 我自從和 vic 同事, 發現真的是如此. 當然還是得看人, 我就懷疑 anne 會否如此. Alex 聽了後, 好像也很高興, 我們自發的做了這個公司的整批 inventory. 我想他可能覺得有點好玩, 但是也是很高興.
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有點妒羨之情. :D
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昨天回家的時候, 媽媽有點 upset. 這幾天氣真的是太好了, 他因為腳, 哪裡都不能去. 心情一定是低落的. 吃完飯後, 我就澆水, 剪點韭菜和蔥. 我希望我有無窮的故事講給他聽, 他不見得會喜歡, 但是至少是一個分散注意力的方法.
------------------------------------------------------
昨天我把飲食男女借給 sofya, 他下午的時候到倉庫問我, 這電影是否有性的鏡頭? 我說有一點裸露的片段. 他說他兒子會東問西問的. 所以他要決定是否和他的娃一起看...
---------------------------------------------------------
vic 和我做了一整天的 inventory. 因為前幾天發現有兩個貨可能混了. 一個多了三百, 一個少三百. 於是, vic 發憤要把所有不合資料庫的數據通通抓出來改正. 可是一旦到了 C 的部分, 我們就懶了. 其實也是沒必要, 不然整個 whole chain 都要出問題, 從 logistic 到 accounting.
到了四點半, alex 到倉庫和我們開會, 因為有個客戶抱怨他們的貨物上有膠帶的痕跡. 他們要用酒精清半天. vic 抓住機會, 給 alex 我們作的 inventory. 我覺得很好玩, 因為以前聽舅舅說外國人會把自己做的事情和上司一件件的提. 我自從和 vic 同事, 發現真的是如此. 當然還是得看人, 我就懷疑 anne 會否如此. Alex 聽了後, 好像也很高興, 我們自發的做了這個公司的整批 inventory. 我想他可能覺得有點好玩, 但是也是很高興.
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Tuesday, September 15, 2015
some records
Mom fractured her left ankle on 8/24/2015 before 5:00 clock afternoon. I was at the library at the time. Our neighbor, Mark & Paula's daughter saw it and came over to help her up. I thought it was just a sprained ankle, but when my sister heard of it. She insisted on bring mom to the doctor. That was Tuesday. It was a fracture after mom went to Lowell's Gen's emergency unit twice.
Mom kept mentioning how it was a much better experience compared to the last time she fractured her knee cap. It was a much pleasant experience, I agree. But sadly, it seemed I did not have much recollection of it! This is truly weird! I can sum up something basic, like maintaining toilet seat... but I can't remember much else... I do not understand the reasoning behind.
It somehow reminded me a movie, where the protagonist was cruising life using a remote control. Maybe I was like that. Very sad.
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We had some weird inventory count discrepancy, some part number have more stock. We missed three weeks inventory count since 8/17/2015. CJ proposed it as a shipping error. Because there's another one very similar part number located right below, was missing exactly the same amount that was over. Vic was annoyed. I thought it could be a box misplacement induced shipping error. But a shipping error nonetheless.
I just remembered that when Vic was off on the week of 8/24/2015, I was picking his part, the p/n that was missing, was already missing 300 pcs. My record that week on that p/n was incomplete, for I thought I would come back and count, if I got time! Sadly, I did not.
The ATW part is the same thing. But CJ agreed to zeroed it out. We will see.
Mom kept mentioning how it was a much better experience compared to the last time she fractured her knee cap. It was a much pleasant experience, I agree. But sadly, it seemed I did not have much recollection of it! This is truly weird! I can sum up something basic, like maintaining toilet seat... but I can't remember much else... I do not understand the reasoning behind.
It somehow reminded me a movie, where the protagonist was cruising life using a remote control. Maybe I was like that. Very sad.
--------------------------
We had some weird inventory count discrepancy, some part number have more stock. We missed three weeks inventory count since 8/17/2015. CJ proposed it as a shipping error. Because there's another one very similar part number located right below, was missing exactly the same amount that was over. Vic was annoyed. I thought it could be a box misplacement induced shipping error. But a shipping error nonetheless.
I just remembered that when Vic was off on the week of 8/24/2015, I was picking his part, the p/n that was missing, was already missing 300 pcs. My record that week on that p/n was incomplete, for I thought I would come back and count, if I got time! Sadly, I did not.
The ATW part is the same thing. But CJ agreed to zeroed it out. We will see.
Wednesday, September 09, 2015
回顧
我回顧了一下我的網誌. 超過半數是很爛的文章. 基本上詞不達意. 完全是沒有經過處理過得文字. 這本是我的初衷. 因為, 在現實生活裡, 我以為我和別人溝通上, 大多都是經過考慮後才出發的. 但是, 兩年多的工作上, 我發現, 事實並非如此.
沒錯, 事實並非如我所想. 我是緊盯著自己的一舉一動, 但是, 真正考慮後, 說出理想的話語卻很少. 絕少. 至少, 讓我自己覺得說完後, 感覺很滿意的很少. 說話後, 基本上都是感覺害怕, 後悔, 和希望以後別說了... 我和別人在溝通上似乎總是有障礙.
==========
昨天幾件事, 早餐, 媽媽要做飯, 看到櫥櫃裡一大堆的香料, 就埋怨我怎麼買大堆都不用. 我上樓刷牙去的時候, 還在跟自己說要當耳邊風, 下來, 他還在念. 我就不爽了. 又用了很重的口吻和言詞來表示自己的憤怒. 主要在說, 這有啥好一直念的, 你倒楣, 你的兒女都是這樣, 買了又不用的...
我就是不能了解. 為啥會這樣. 他一開始說的時候就不能逃避. 馬上要有反應. 不然無法化解. 馬上就應該說, 那現在你比較常做菜, 我來告訴你怎麼用, 或許你可以幫我用掉. 這是我臨出門時做的. 幫他把 annatto 磨成粉.
不久前, 有次和小瑋談話, 他說,每次我發完脾氣, 如果他來家裡, 媽媽就會在他面前哭. 我聽了是痛苦極了. 痛苦極了. 不知道要怎樣. 每次媽媽開始嘮叨某件事, 我都是避而不談. 但是, 這不是辦法. 不能躲避. 不能畏懼. 一害怕就要想辦法拐彎抹角.
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沒錯, 事實並非如我所想. 我是緊盯著自己的一舉一動, 但是, 真正考慮後, 說出理想的話語卻很少. 絕少. 至少, 讓我自己覺得說完後, 感覺很滿意的很少. 說話後, 基本上都是感覺害怕, 後悔, 和希望以後別說了... 我和別人在溝通上似乎總是有障礙.
==========
昨天幾件事, 早餐, 媽媽要做飯, 看到櫥櫃裡一大堆的香料, 就埋怨我怎麼買大堆都不用. 我上樓刷牙去的時候, 還在跟自己說要當耳邊風, 下來, 他還在念. 我就不爽了. 又用了很重的口吻和言詞來表示自己的憤怒. 主要在說, 這有啥好一直念的, 你倒楣, 你的兒女都是這樣, 買了又不用的...
我就是不能了解. 為啥會這樣. 他一開始說的時候就不能逃避. 馬上要有反應. 不然無法化解. 馬上就應該說, 那現在你比較常做菜, 我來告訴你怎麼用, 或許你可以幫我用掉. 這是我臨出門時做的. 幫他把 annatto 磨成粉.
不久前, 有次和小瑋談話, 他說,每次我發完脾氣, 如果他來家裡, 媽媽就會在他面前哭. 我聽了是痛苦極了. 痛苦極了. 不知道要怎樣. 每次媽媽開始嘮叨某件事, 我都是避而不談. 但是, 這不是辦法. 不能躲避. 不能畏懼. 一害怕就要想辦法拐彎抹角.
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Monday, September 07, 2015
random, i guess
I want to make an wedding card for michelle. I think that would be an interesting project. But my gosh, there are so many videos on youtube. They were all amazing. They all need a lot of props.
At first, I was only thinking of drawing on it. But by looking at this, I'd say that drawing would be hard. I am thinking cutting some papers and paste on each other would be easier. But I will need to find out.
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i am going for a jog. Just to see how's my condition in terms of ankle and waist. I know it's strengthened through 7 - 8 years of centergy. But can I sustain prolonged, repeated action? I know I need some cardio and strength training. We'll see.
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I have a rapid weight loss. I guess sleep less, and eat less has it's toll. But most importantly, where did my heart go? I know the answer but I can't tell anyone. Nobody want to listen to a problem, for which, I did not intend to solve it.
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I went to skyline trail in medford yesterday afternoon. I got lost in there. It was quite big, the sign was no as clear as I wished for. I was sort in a hurry, since my sister and her husband was coming to my house for dinner. I, of course, got out safe.
They brought chili, dumplings, we stir fried eggs and leek, ma po tofu. It was a pretty good meal.
----------------------------------------------------
At first, I was only thinking of drawing on it. But by looking at this, I'd say that drawing would be hard. I am thinking cutting some papers and paste on each other would be easier. But I will need to find out.
----------------------------------------------
i am going for a jog. Just to see how's my condition in terms of ankle and waist. I know it's strengthened through 7 - 8 years of centergy. But can I sustain prolonged, repeated action? I know I need some cardio and strength training. We'll see.
------------------------------------------------
I have a rapid weight loss. I guess sleep less, and eat less has it's toll. But most importantly, where did my heart go? I know the answer but I can't tell anyone. Nobody want to listen to a problem, for which, I did not intend to solve it.
----------------------------------------------------
I went to skyline trail in medford yesterday afternoon. I got lost in there. It was quite big, the sign was no as clear as I wished for. I was sort in a hurry, since my sister and her husband was coming to my house for dinner. I, of course, got out safe.
They brought chili, dumplings, we stir fried eggs and leek, ma po tofu. It was a pretty good meal.
----------------------------------------------------
a few movies
water diviner:
russell crowe's director debut. it's a pretty solid film. The story is about an Australian father trying to find his three sons after his wife drowned herself. He traveled to the unknown land of Turkey since his sons were reported killed on battlefield of WW1.
The story to me was nothing too special. What's interesting though was a little poke of Turkey's history, it's people, and it's art from the movie. I don't remember I've seen these from the other movies. Since the story was nothing too special, it's characters however, was interesting enough to connect with the audience. Interesting is a tad too light, I'd say that they were in their own way that likeable.
-------------------------------
chappie:
It's the third movie I saw from this director. He's holding on to his root tightly. I think it's a good things really.
The storyline wasn't too surprising really, until the end. I think the direction of the ending was innovative. Considering director's previous effort, I should not be too surprised at the ending, but I was. Just by looking at hj's face on the cover, I'd never guessed he's a bad guy here. But it's a good change, I guess. He did a decent job. The focus of the film was of course, Chappie. The growing curve of chappie did grasp my attention and sympathy, especially when he realized the mortality of his own life.
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russell crowe's director debut. it's a pretty solid film. The story is about an Australian father trying to find his three sons after his wife drowned herself. He traveled to the unknown land of Turkey since his sons were reported killed on battlefield of WW1.
The story to me was nothing too special. What's interesting though was a little poke of Turkey's history, it's people, and it's art from the movie. I don't remember I've seen these from the other movies. Since the story was nothing too special, it's characters however, was interesting enough to connect with the audience. Interesting is a tad too light, I'd say that they were in their own way that likeable.
-------------------------------
chappie:
It's the third movie I saw from this director. He's holding on to his root tightly. I think it's a good things really.
The storyline wasn't too surprising really, until the end. I think the direction of the ending was innovative. Considering director's previous effort, I should not be too surprised at the ending, but I was. Just by looking at hj's face on the cover, I'd never guessed he's a bad guy here. But it's a good change, I guess. He did a decent job. The focus of the film was of course, Chappie. The growing curve of chappie did grasp my attention and sympathy, especially when he realized the mortality of his own life.
------------------------------------
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