Different kinds of actors

Some actors are very good at certain roles.
Is it because of their faces? Or is it because of their manners?

Some actors are very versatile.
I wonder why?

停雲 陶淵明

停雲，思親友也。罇湛新醪，園列初榮。願言不從，歎息彌襟。

靄靄停雲，濛濛時雨。八表同昏，平路伊阻。靜寄東軒，春醪獨撫。良朋悠邈，搔首延佇。
停雲靄靄，時雨濛濛。八表同昏，平陸成江。有酒有酒，閑飲東窗。願言懷人，舟車靡從。
東園之樹，枝條再榮。競用新好，以怡余情。人亦有言，日月于征。安得促席，說彼平生。
翩翩飛鳥，息我庭柯。歛翮閑止，好聲相和。豈無他人，念子實多。願言不獲，抱恨如何。

罇: 音尊
湛: 音站
醪: 音牢
翮: 音核

8 and half

I watched 8 and 1/2 today. I watched nine first, then I realized how big 8 and 1/2 was. I finally gave in the temptation.

The Italian was spoken swiftly in 8 and 1/2. I had a hard time to follow the subtitles. One thing certainly surprised me was that 8 and 1/2 was not a musical. Since I was lured in with the knowledge of nine. The two were 85% the same thing. The difference was that each of the women in Nine were more clearly defined. It was not the case with 8 and 1/2, on the contrary there were only 3 women, who made strong impression in me. The others were mostly in chaos. This chaotic feeling could be contributed to my difficulty of following the English subtitles, but only a little bit.

The charm of the story is because of the protagonist, the director. It seemed that the director had a huge gap between him and the world around him, emotionally. To me, there was a strong undercurrent of insecurity that caused him emotionally distancing himself from the world. There are two constant themes in the movie which caught my attention. One of them was when director kept thinking back to his youth, which involved a lot of youthful wonderment about sex. The other was lie and truth, but more of the fear of telling the truth.

The director always had this boyish charm. He is good looking. But he was rarely emotional besides a short burst of excitement. His wife kept calling him a lier, saying he could not tell a truth. Ironically, he never denied it. The director himself kept telling his colleague or friends that he wanted to tell no lie no more, but truth. It seemed that truth was so hard to come by.

I feel that the sexual desire and his youth was somehow related. It could not be separated. The director was surrounded by beautiful women, most of them cling on the director for something. In one scenes he seemed to have a huge authority over the women around him, in his imagination. Although all the women in his imagination turned on him eventually.

I think this movie was a classic to study of male... lol

Ashby's party

Ashby is a cat. His owner, aunt Hu Yin, invited her friends to join this party every year since the adoption.

Here are the replying emails from her friends:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Shu-shu and Ah-yi, Ge-ge and Jie-jie:

I am going to throw a party as a gesture of appreciation to my dearest mother for taking care of me for the past seven years. All Ashby fans and lovers are invited.

Date: 5 pm to 9 pm, Saturday, May 21
Place: Function room, 1st Fl., XX* St. , XX*

Please let me know what kind of foods you would like me to prepare. Or you can join me in catching our food in the condo basement...

Please RSVP.

Best regards,
Ashby


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh my gosh, Ashby,

You are getting better and better in planning parties.



Thank you for inviting us to your party. We will be there. I will make the baby-back ribs.

I might also bring Nacho (not food, my cat) as well.



Take care!



Love

Antie XXca*

----------------------------------------------------------------------

@shby,

Sorry, I am pretty bad with cat talks - I rely on body language when I
think it works - but since this is an email hope you can understand my
English. If you have problem please let me know, I can try Chinese next
time.

But, thanks for the invitation!

We have marked the calendar and will go to the party. We will try to
bring something but are not sure what yet (fingers tapping...)

XXXh* Shu-shu

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ashby,

Your XXg shu shu and Hxx Ay-yi would NOT miss this party by any chance. Your hairy friend is a different story. He bit his Dad two days ago badly and is grounded forever. I'll bring something, that's all I can now. Not sure what. Well, thank you very much to invite us. We're be there.

Hxx* Ay-hi.

------------------------------------------------------------


My Dear Ashby,

It has been a long cold year! But I still remember I was left out alone in CA, while you guys had a great time. It looked like you all enjoyed the party with a big cake and I could only look at the picuture of the cake on internet.

So, don't think about I'll miss this party again this year. Just to make sure you remember what you have done to me last year, I'll bring something but NOT cat food.

Your grouchy uncle XXX*

------------------------------------------------------------

Ashby,

Thanks you for your invitation. We have another commitment in the same evening and could not come to the party this time. Looking forward to seeing you again. I like the coffee your Mom made.


Best regards,

xxx's* family

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ashby,
Thank you so much for the invitation. We would love to come to your party but on early May, we were invited the same date by one of my students to her home for a dinner party from 4-6 and she has also give us the ticket for her dancing performance from 7-9 pm.
I know you all will have a great time and hope next time when we host a party in my house, you and your brother can joint us !

thank you again !
Mrs. Sxxx*

------------------------------------------------------------

Hi,

We are looking forward to seeing you ( Ashby ) and all your mom's friends this Saturday.

YC and XXX

------------------------------------------------------------



*: not real names.

objectivity

objectivity creates distance.

where is the milkman

where is the milkman?(pychonauts)
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?
where is the milkman?

I am a lean mean machine. (simpson's hit and run)
I am a lean mean machine.
I am a lean mean machine.

Eat my dust, dust eater. (simpson's hit and run)
Eat my dust, dust eater.

每下愈況

很有趣, 像我現在, 無法講話, 我就想到, 唱歌的重要, 朗誦的重要, 背書的重要...

這是每下愈況, 還是想找的理由下臺, 保住面子?

朗誦

朗誦在古中國是很重要的一個學習方法. 到了五四之後, 新的學習方法逐漸不重視朗誦. 曾經有作家描述他中小學時遇到挺白話文的老師跟他說, 不要朗誦, 默讀就好了. 因為這個作家曾在私塾上過課, 朗誦是入門功課. 我在小學的時候一開始上課, 其實仍是朗誦. 老師在臺上念一句, 臺下的同學跟一句. 念熟了, 即使不能背誦, 看到課文也可以像是自己說話一樣, 瀟灑的說出來. 我現在的感覺是, 朗誦把躲在中文裡的中國語言帶出來. 這不分白話還是文言. 一種強烈的語感, 一種屬於中國的語感好像節奏, 在口裡念誦的時候, 長短快慢, 不斷流出.

我一直有一個感覺, 那就是中國的辭彙其實就是歐洲或甚至所有用音符的文化國家們的 vocabulary. 這當中有更複雜的關係. 但是基本上就是這樣. 中國所謂成語其實就是幾個聲音定型, 但是又比普統詞彙複雜一點的辭彙, 而這辭彙又已經普遍到大家用口語就可瞭解. 所以我以前常聽歐美人都要記憶 vocabulary, 但是中國人不需要. 實際上, 中國人也要! 尤其是五四後, 白話文越來越流行, 約定俗成的辭彙愈來愈多. 又怎麼可以不背呢.

我現在, 既不和別人說話, 也不朗誦. 我的中文辭彙愈來愈單調. 但是問題不僅僅是如此. 問題更在於說, 我可以看的懂中文, 幾乎任何白話文都可以. 但是, 我的嘴巴要說話的時候卻只能用幾個簡單的辭彙. 這個問題和我說英文一樣. 這個問題並不在於說我不知道辭彙, 因為我看到的時候我是知道的. 但是當我要用的時候, 我就辭窮了, 舌頭打結, 腦袋空白. 我所想要說的完全無法描繪. 我心裡所感受的, 無法轉換成語言, 或文字. 在心裡的感受, 像海浪一樣, 排山倒海的湧來. 語言和文字似乎是我和世界的橋樑, 但是如今, 這橋似乎斷掉了.

既然不和別人講話, 我在想, 朗誦會不會有幫助?

Bulls vs Heat

I watched the first game in the eastern championship series. Bulls was incredible on their defense. The intensity of the defense was so amazing. I have not seen this level of intensity in defense in NBA... People diving outbound balls, chasing after players from behind after picking roll... A great game to watch. Hope they could keep up the intensity.

Titus Andronicus

I love Julie Taymor's version of the play.
The scene where Titus pleaded to the Roman nobles for his sons's lives was splendid. At least it moved me.

It is weird that there were many weird and not historically accurate settings.
But it is very powerful somehow. It was like a raw meat market, where the blood was the only flavor, the emotion ran its nakedest course.

I do believe Harold Bloom said in his book, the Western Canon, that story moved the readers, it is not a matter of moral. It is the reader who will materialize, and crystallize the things they read. The moral was then formed. But it is not in the material itself.

我最喜歡的華語片

黃飛鴻 1~3(徐克李連杰)
報告班長
霸王別姬
倩女幽魂
英雄本色 1~2
魯冰花
警察故事 1~3
變臉王
新龍門客棧
新不了情
好小子

ringa ding dang ding

ringa ding dang ding.

pongba do lang dang
ya boo la di da
in haloomba dam
ba lang ba lang dong
tin tin tan tan koon
shisha shisha boo mu di
bagahbagah

doodadoo

I am going away. Looking out of the window.
This might break my mom's heart.
But I have to go. I have made the decision.


a mile from the house...three miles from the house...ten miles from the house...


I am scared. I am so scared.
Grrrr....they all laughed at me when I said I want to go away.
They must know I could not do it...

Should I keep going?
Should I ignore my fear?

My mom's heart might be broken by me leaving the house...
Let's go back...


lol a coward is always a coward.

future

My mom is in terrible shape. Her nose started to bleed these two days. Her right foot started to hurt. She could not sleep at night. She cut herself extremely bad three days ago while trying to cut onions. She is restless. It all started out after my episode three weeks ago. I had a few of that in the past month. I said many hurtful things. I knew things about my mom, too many things. I think this is it. Something are never meant to be said. And I said it.

My mom keeps saying if she died, I will be the one struck the most. And I knew it is true. But I could not find a way out. I can not decide what to do! It is my fault. I focus too much on her. And yet, I know I need to find a way. I know if I find a way, she will be happy. But I dare not to step out. A coward. And the worst, I blamed her for many things. That seemed to become my way. Or how do I explain the outbreak episodes???? I love my mom, but I was so very annoyed by her words, her worries, and her aging. Still so many I's....

This is extremely unfair to her. She endured 15 years for my sister and I in Usa. Nobody wants to be in her position. She is all alone in these 15 years. My father passed away 17 years ago. But even if my father did not pass away, she will still be very lonely. Because my father to my mom was more husband, than companion. At least that is how I feel. Maybe by another 17 years, things might have changed. Anyway, I understand all these. I don't need other people to recount everything to me. Only if I had a way out, to the society, to the point where I could stand on my feet. But no, instead I hid in my mother's house. What can she do? She is watching all her life's work wasted. A son. That is another heartbreak. A heartbreak no one would understand if he or she did not go through for themselves. So everybody blamed her for my condition. Yes, my mother went to mainland China to celebrate my grandfather's 90th birthday this year. Everyone, including my Mom's oldest sister told her to let me go. No one understands how hurtful that is better than me, a coward. A blackhole. It keeps sucking things in without giving anything in return. After that, I am irritable, I am emotional, I am inconsistent, blah blah blah, everything that I am I only showed it to my mom. My sister knows it too. But no one knows son better than his mother. Everything is a burden to the soul. To her soul.

Through my recollection, after we came to Usa, my high school year consisted of ESL class with first Roger, Sky, then Henry, Dan, Eric, Steve; my mother's fight with my sister; we were kicked out of my uncle's house in our first half year; some yard works in my uncle's back yard; Mr. Costello; and my drawings. Where were my mom? Working. Working a job she hated, feeling degraded. What I remembered most is her fights with my sister. These fights lasted until I dropped out College. It lasted until my sister was married.

Yeah, I felt left out. After I got to the college, it was probably stressful. But I never really said much. In fact, I do not remember I felt the need to complain. But the situation was dire when I think back. I was increasingly isolated in my classes and social circles. I kept trying different physical exercises, trying martial arts on my own, and joined art of living program. But no, the injury from my past kept my from trying martial arts, art of living program became weary. The first semester in my second year was no better. I hated my room mate, I isolated myself in the classes, I felt blank or freeze when talking to people. I started to seek out things that relaxed me, like video games, collecting photos from internet, going to library to read Chinese collection. I do not remember I complain too much about school to my families, except my roommate and food. Although I ate so much each meal. My second semester started when my roommate left. I got the room to myself. I was rejoiced. I started to hugging the room, also quitting classes.

I went to Tibet summer 2002.

I thought I could started my third year by switching major from Civil engineer to Biology and starting fresh. But not really. After the first quiz in organic chemistry, I started quitting classes, eventually attended no classes. I said nothing, complained nothing. All these time, I still got calls from my mother, complaining all the fights. Of course, She also asked me how was college. But I could not bear the complaining anymore. I broke down crying once in front of my room mate. I was extremely unstable then. That summer, I dropped out.

All the years after I dropped out, I did nothing. Dan went back to south Korea and finished his college there. My sister stepped behind my mother becoming a Jehovah Witness as well. I got two kitties. My mom does not like kitties, but she loves me. However, I am so not damn lovable anymore. After my father passed away, I could not get rid off the feeling that I killed him. And I have a feeling that I will one day kill my mom. This is it. I could not get out there. I dare not show myself to the world, I kill those who loves me the most.

It is I who got a problem and could not solve it. I drag my mother through dirt and mud killing her. Here I titled the whole thing "future". I am recounting a past. For future is only death. It is just a matter of order.

I played tennis today

I played tennis today. Roger emailed a group invitation to play tennis today. There were eight people including Roger and I. We played from 6 to 8. Most of the players were from Andover.

It reminded me how it was when I was in a group setting like this long time ago. That was my last year in college. I joined this Taiwan student club. I was blank in all the conversation. The only thing I wanted to do is to hide myself. It felt like I was the empty space. Same thing happened here. I can deal with strangers politely. But even chitchat is impossible. I am baffled by the situation. The language does not seem to be the issue there. I can speak Chinese at Taiwan student club's gathering. But no, My brain went freeze, mind went blank. I got no response inside of me. I do not say a word, but nod along.

Story board

I would like to propose a story. It is a story about Chinese history in America. I am a cliche guy, so my story would be very cliche. Here is the summary:

Two Chinese brothers came to America for the dream of gold, like many Irish, Usan, and other people all over the world at 1858. The older one was apprentice in a clothe store in Kwan tun , the younger one was a martial artist. They were both young, in their late teens. I might put older one in early twenty, might as well give him a wife at home as well.

But when the two brothers arrived the pacific shore of America, the gold rush was already waned. The big companies were taking over gold digging business. The two brothers' effort on finding gold was also met with White men's resistance. They encountered many events when they needed to decide they were going to confront challenge head on, or withdraw. The conflict did not only come from without, also within. The two brothers, one volatile, one cautious; one read books, the other did not.

The ending could be a few here. But one thing is certain, two brother's destiny would be vastly different. One could be dead, and the other lived on. Once could leave the America at last, but one stayed on. Both could go to work in railroad. The policy of Usan government towards China men should be shown here. Those lawyers fighting for China men should be mentioned here also. How Chinese culture first came to America, how early Chinese lived in America should be the prime focus of the story. How to represent the six company? How about Chinese gangs?

What is so interesting is that the difference between older and younger brothers. Since one was educated in Chinese literature, the other was not. It could also be used to show the difference between the well versed Chinese and not so well versed ones. Here, how words of ancient was manifested in behavior, thoughts, and believes should play a critical role. IT is not to say that younger one should know less of ancient way of living or words. There was a rich culture of folklore and stories, and idioms that should also have the same weight as those came from books.

I want guns, I want fighting scenes, and I want discovery of new things. New things that white men saw, as well as the things China men saw. I want the two brothers contemplate what is the real meaning of being Chinese. Would they view themselves as having new identities after they stayed in America until they departed, alive or dead? How would they view the new comers from China? If one of them decide to go back to China, what is the thoughts an feeling racing through his mind? The image inside, what would it look like?

Drawing

I once drew a lot. I've always liked to draw.

When I came to Usa, attending high school, if there were any visible form of record, it would be drawing. I remembered the first time I drew on the black board in ESL class. Mr. Costello, my ESL teacher was fond of it. I was drawing his face for that night was parents' night, my first Usa high school parents' night. I said I was pretty good at drawing. Maybe I could draw Mr. Costello's face so my mom and uncle would find him more easily. Mr. Costello encouraged me to try. After I finished the drawing on the black board, Pat came in, and Mr. Costello said I should show Pat too. Pat was a very good artist.

From then on, I draw a lot. I enjoyed it a lot too. There were many things going around me which I felt secure enough. ESL class provided me with necessary shelter. I made almost no friends outside of ESL class. But I draw teachers, classmates, countless cartoons. When I was in my first year class English, we were studying Romeo and Juliet. I draw almost every scenes on the handout from Ms Gold. That was so much fun. The whole Romeo and Juliet was realized in front of me.

So, if I did not have pictures to show my years through high school, I still had my drawings. Until one night, I shredded everything when I was on vacation from college. I forgot the reason. The only thing I remembered was that I was in vain. I was crying and felt worthless. Tearing those drawing was like tearing myself up. That feeling could only be compared to the loss of Dong Dong.

I have a hard time to get into even doodling. When I was in my last college year, I attended basic drawing class. I found myself very hard to concentrate, obsessive in comparing myself to other people, and longing to be the center of attention was so great. Drawing at the time was impossible. After I dropped out, I still draw but only doodling, and only when I am outside in the public. My head is blank when I am alone.

urban chaos

I just got this game. This is a game from 1998. It's a very simple action game a little bit like GTA, to me at least. What attracts me was melee combat. It felt somehow like Oni, or actually vice versa. The melee was far inferior to Oni, but a few similarities stand out.

1. slide attack

2. melee, although much simpler, still reminds me of Oni.

3. take down moves are reminds me of Oni as well.

4. the interface on the game graphic is very similar too.


the differences:

1. it's like a GTA, you can drive, although driving mechanics are inferior.

2. the environment is more like GTA than Oni, it is usually on a city street with pedestrians.

3. you can hang on the edge in this game, Oni lacks this.

4. the control on the PC does not incorporate mouse.

5. lock on mechanic is a hard lock on.



conclusion: Oni borrows heavy from this game, but with a much more robust melee mechanic. The hang on edge mechanics however produce a new dimension for the game which Oni lacks. To create a game with Oni's melee in a open world style game is quite possible. The most important thing is still how to design a mission.

Trust

I lost trust long time ago. That is why, not much could really shock me. There are million of things that sadden me, but not shock. Shock felt more like an excitement.

I wish to regain some trust. But every human being will have flaw. But most importantly, they don't behave the way I expected. I am easily discouraged by this. Although I am perfectly aware that is normal. I need to ask myself, why do I lost trust? I hate people mainly because of them, myself? Do I trust myself?

The answer to that question is a big NO. I am in conflict with my Father. Whenever I thought of him, I can not escape from the guilt. Sure, I can also reason in both ways. Pro or con. But no, I do not want reasoning anymore! I am in confusion with my mom. If I wanted to do something that she disagreed, what should I do? I do not want to disappoint her, yet I do not want to give in. I already felt guilty towards her. But my desire is furious.

But most importantly, I am stuck in between choices. I am stuck. I would feel I am capable of doing something awesome, but at the same time, I feel the opposite. Yes, very cliche. Cliche to the point I would like to pull my eyes out and open my ribs, rips my heart out, thrust my arms down my throat and yanked out my lungs! I absolutely disgusted with myself. A coward, and I wonder if I am a sociopath. I feel I am manipulating people surround me. I don't understand why I do not take my life. I used to think that I should suffer hunger, cold, and wet after my mom pass away. I used all her resources, I made her miserable. I should suffer. But to a coward, death is all he fears. Death I should get.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I need to find a way to trust again. I need to trust. Trust brings the feeling of security. Even it is an illusion. Hahahahahaha, "even it is an illusion"??? That's not trust?! hahahahahahahaha

About Dreamfall

Dreamfall was unique. It has action elements in it. I recall many other adventure games with action elements in it, like Gabriel Knight 3, king's quest Mask of Eternity.

Adventure games require a lot of puzzle solving, which slows down the game flow sometimes to a grind. Action on the other hand, need to be in a more incessant flow so the players could feel the movements. These look like a conflict. However, both games already tried hard to borrow each other's difference to create rhythm.

Dreamfall is unique, because in its core, it is an adventure game. The added action elements, which really is just elemental, are really not necessary in most part. The more interesting design should be the vision field. There is no need for cursor in action games. But in adventure games, it is essential for most games in the genre. For, examining the minuscule detail in the graphics. It's one of the reason, adventure games ventured into realistic graphic first. Action on the other hand, does not require players to look at the details. As long as the graphic representable, it's good enough. Most of the puzzles in action are done by action mechanics in the game, such as breaking boxes, which is big enough and easy enough to be recognized. However, Dreamfall's vision field is the key to blend the two genres.

Hero

What can be counted as a hero? A hero

Randomara

Headache. No, not really. Just very heavy.

I like to create story. And I like to tell it to other people. Since I was in first grade, my two best friends were loyal audiences. If I could not find my friends, my sister would be my audience. I used her dolls and my action figures to create a theater. There was a hero, who was awesome in martial arts and no one can beat him up. He had many friends, then one day, he fell in love with this woman. He married her. Or maybe I would tell a story, made up by me, about an old house near my home at Jing Hua street. This creepy house had an unfortunate owner, who passed away, but never really left this place. This ghost needed to walk the streets in certain orders. Ah, that is right! One of my friends' house was in the way! lol

Now, I don't have an audience. I am afraid that my imagination is no good. In fact, I know it is not good. So I tell no one about the story in my head. That's okay, I am my own audience. There is a hero, no matter how difficult the process, he will always have his beloved woman with him. Even though he could be in a delirious state before he die, and what his saw was an illusion. At least other people could not see what he saw. I could only talk to myself now. I felt confused about other people. And I feel confused about what I feel.


So many I's...

I want to die. I felt so apart from this whole thing. I am weary. So many I's. So many I's. Are these really I?

What is it that I withheld? Is it because I am waiting for a word to be uttered before I could talk regularly again? What is it? Felt like living in glass world.

What is it I want? What if something I want is impossible for me to control? Maybe I should exchange with something I... So many I's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!