lost days

i just discovered some diaries from the my first year in college. this is a rare discovery since i destroyed most of diaries long time ago. i will try to record most of it here. there's no date assigned on the original diary. i will just assign number on each entry. it's in chronicle order though.

1. today I got my second CEE Engineering Lab Report back, my goodness, i got "61.5/10". i got 70 Last time, and now i got this grade. I started to wonder could i really pass this course, could i really survive in Engineering? I'm really afraid. So I went to see professor Ho and TA Jeff. I did not get much encouragement, ha, Professor Ho, probably thought ~ "another weird guy..." He told me to find some people to work together. Yeah, i know i'm too lonely right now, but i can't see any chance to know "some people".

2. To sit in front of the computer, i usually either doing my school work or catch pictures on the net. I catch every kind of pictures i could think of. i got photograph, caricatures, indoor designs, comics, computer graphic, dojo, and movie pictures, including wallpapers and celebrity. I know some people would think it's a stupid hobby, as what i see myself doing this. Sometimes i myself would want to stop too, but i can't. it is what i do most other than school work. i think it's a shame i can't find another thing substitute this, something more, well, more "productive", hoho.

3. Someone told me, Americans only like to hear good and positive thing, they don't like to hear negative stuff. I think most people would like to hear happy things. However, who could i talk to, about bad, sad, and dead things? Could I tell anybody when I feeling sad? Nay, why make another people sad, or if they weren't sad, however, they laugh at your face, that would be sad, from my point of view. Then I will just say good things, because i don't want people to be sad or laugh at me.

4.
I pray for the moment,
a chance to meet you.
For this,
I prayed and prayed
for five hundred years,
i got a promise from God.

for which God transform me
into a tree
grow tall by the road
which you must pass by,
i will blossom with flowers,
each one was each prayer
i made from the past.

when you closed by, please
listen carefully,
the shattering of the leaves is
the excitement from shaken heart
of mine.
but when you goes on without
notice
oh! my friends,
what fell behind
is not flowers
but broken pieces of my heart.

5. I asked a friends on the same floor about Jazz. I want to try some because I heard some good ones in the Restaurant. He said he got an CD. I borrowed from and listened the music. However, it's kind different from what i think Jazz is, because it is different from the ones I heard from the restaurant. I never know Jazz has this many kind forms.

6. Holly Moly, there's flood in my basement! it's half foot tall! it's because of weather's fault! and for this our family use old fashion way! pan the water out! The water's so cold! what could i do?! I hate house now and i am so eager to see the dorm, there's heat and hot bath rooms!

7. Man, what a spring break! My basement was flooded and my mom were worried, my uncle come over to help, my sis cut school to help, and i had to work with them in that flooded basement! Give me a break! However, I heard there're some families worse than us. Some got four feet -high flood in their basement, and there's even one that the flood is over the ceiling! god bless them. And i have to keep working in the humid and wet basement.

8. The best thing to be back at Andover, is that i could find time and place and friends to play basketball. I always got time in Amherst, but I don't really know many people around here. It became sometimes really boring in Amherst when you have no one to play with. That's the reason I spent lots of time on Computer!

9. My aunt is coming to Andover on Saturday. We are going to pick her up. It's been long since we saw her last time. My aunt is the oldest and she came to America 2 years ago from China. She's the oldest in my mom's family. It's strange, for they, my mom's families can't be together in China or Taiwan, however, they could be together in USA!

10. Dream is so important! one without dream lost a sense of direction. But dream is not the only thing that guides people's life. Friends, society and family are all in account. so much one has to consider. But which should the priority? In movie "men of Honor", the main character put his dream as priority, and he got what he deserves. It is hard to say. ---all this nagging is make myself strong* when I saw my Lab report. Sad~

11. As an college student, I found there's less time to read English! Because I had no time or not a lot of time to find books, and it is hard to put my mind in reading. It's like kind lost a peace of mind! I really wonder is it worthy? Maybe it's just me, i hope. It is really discouraging, for in college is to pursuit knowledge and practice it, hit now* I can't get something i'm comfort with it!

12. I got back from Spring Break! I need to work now, because I only finish one Lab Report over the sprork*. I should be shamed. Well, what could i say. I feel like I am too too lonely here, so I went to find lots of friends. Forget all these now, I have to work on the research paper, Lab report, and 3 exams! Sometimes I really amazed how could i do all this within only few days.

13. Disney land is a place i been to before, but the one i'd been too was in Japan. I haven't gone to the one in USA. One of my friends called, asking me do i want to go to Florida with him and his families at the beginning of the summer. I will gladly go, i told him. I am so happy now, haha, I could go to Florida and go to universal Studio and disney land. My sister is jealous!

14. it really surprised me that Tom Hanks didn't get best actor in Oscar award! Although Russell Crowe is really good at "Gladiator". However, for acting's sake, Tom Hanks in Cast Away should get this award. For in over half time of the movie "Cast Away", Tom Hanks performs alone, there' no other people during that time, not even an animal, well there's fish. I can't believe Tom Hanks performance could not get the award. I wonder what's the standard to they we* to choose best actor?!

15. Today I watched three straight basketball games. Those games are really exciting because i like basketball. I watched games, not just physical competition but also the emotions that involved in the game. I think it is what determine the lost and winning in the games, not just skills, because most of pro-basketball athletes are so good. That's means who can use emotions successfully will win the game.

16. I hate spring break! why do we have sprink* before two important exams. I really did not get enough time to enjoy, but i really have time to hate myself. i did not do really well in two exams, and i was failed on engineering course. Why am I here whining?! woo~ I can't control myself. I really hate to fail!

17. I went to skate (ice skate) on Friday nite. I accidentally met two graduate students from Taiwan, and I heard from those two students that there's a Taiwanese student club. I am so happy, and i give them my email address. It seems that they are happy too, to have new member to join the club. I am really too boring at Umass, I really look forward to get contact with the club.

18. I decided to go to library. for weeks i had already gone to there many many times, to study, to search books, and to be alone. But i did n't go there since 3 weeks from now. for i can't gather myself in one piece, so unorganized, mentally. But now i decide to go there and find something for myself. wish me good luck.

19. I am thinking, thinking about a girl from japan. I met her my first year from Taiwan. She looks ok, not that surprisingly pretty. From my ESL teacher, i know she did n't really fit in for her first year. But when I first year i saw her, she's already have a smile on her face. i like her, maybe not boy-girl's like, but i like her. it is so soft, so dim a feeling. I wish she's happy in Japan.

20. My friends invite me to go to disney land with his family. "i am glad to!!" i told him. wow, haha, I am going to disney land at age 20?! it's been 5 years, i haven't been to many places since the first summer. my mom so glad that i am going.

21. I am feeling dead inside right now, no life inside of me. i don't know where to go, what to do, how to do. I can't think, can't talk, and cand* can't move physically, mentally. i am dead, not alive. Just a walking corpse, like Zombie. i didn't ran after my goal, but chasing myself around. the life isn't around me, but running after me. It's tiresome, and it is not worth it.

22. tonight i didn't sleep. I was singing all nite because my roommate was up all nite typing his papers. I am not a perse* who fall into sleep easily. But now in Umass I have to sleep with desk lamp on and typing noise from my roommate, i really hate it. but I didn't say anything. For sometimes it seems he really needs to stay up. But sometimes he just stay late. so tonight, hey, I am going to stay up and sing, he was not going to sleep anyway.

23. I am playing basketball at 1.00 am. Somebody came over and ask me if i was drunk. He must be out of his mind. Because H was playing ball too. somebody just like to talk trash. why a person playing b-ball at 1.00 am have to be drunk? Is this American culture? Too bad if it is.

24. I went to Engineer student affair office tonight because I forgot to call in for pre register the course. They told me I don't have a chance to get register now. but I could come back next semester and register then. I say to myself, "can't let my mom know, she's going to worry about." It is a sing of lost, without direction.

25. I saw the results of my chem test. i am happy about it, I got 92. But I didn't study as hard as i could like the first test. I felt a little bit shame for myself. I hope i could make a better effort next time. the other test is just fine with me, which is physics, the result is surprisingly good, to me.

i left mistake and typo in. to keep it authentic as possible. this was my first year in college. everything turned out alright. the average i remembered from this year was 3.00. nor great, but okay.