Remember me
(lyrics from pixel movie Coco)
Remember me
Though I have to say goodbye
Remember me
Don't let it make you cry
For even if I'm far away I hold you in my heart
I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart
Remember me
Though I have to travel far
Remember me
Each time you hear a sad guitar
Know that I'm with you the only way I can be
Until you are in my arms again
Remember me
*************
Recuerdame(Remember me in spanish)
Recuerdame
Hoy me tengo que ir mi amor
Recuerdame
No llores por favor
te llevo en mi corazon y cera me tendras
A solas yo te cantare sonando en regresar
Recuerdame
Aunque tenga que emigrar
Recuerdame
Si mi guitarra oyes llorar
Ella con su treste canto te acompanara
Hasta que en mis brazos tu estes
Recuerdame
============================================================
Let me go
(Avril Lavigne w/ C. Kroeger)
Love that once hung on the wall
Used to mean something, but now it means nothing
The echoes are gone in the hall
But I still remember, the pain of December
Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say
I'm sorry it's too late
I'm breaking free from these memories
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I've said goodbye
Set it all on fire
Gotta let it go, just let it go
You came back to find I was gone
And that place is empty
Like the hole that was left in me
Like were nothing at all
It's not what you meant to me
Thought we were meant to be
Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say
I'm sorry it's too late
I'm breaking free from these memories
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I've said goodbye
Set it all on fire
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I let it go and now i know
A brand new life is down this road
And when it's right, you always know
So this time I won't let it go
There's only one thing left there to say
Love's never too late
I'm breaking free from these memories
I've let it go, I've let it go
And two goodbyes let to this new life
Don't let me go, don't let me go
Don't let me go(4X)
Won't let you go(4X)
(When I first met her, I asked what song she liked. This is the first song she said.)
Monday, April 27, 2020
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Alone
It's been exactly 2 months now. I've got no job prospect. It's been a strange time as corona virus running rampant worldwide. People are not wearing mask on the streets of Andover. But trails of thee town is filled with people even on week days. I think there's an increase of traffic because weather is not as bleak as 2 weeks ago. But it is not normal traffic either. Everyday what we are doing most consistent is to open the app and read the current numbers. And we are bombarded with news relates to the virus.
There's a dread inside my house. That dread maybe partly from the outside event. But I know there's a vortex, which is the source of this dense feeling which is inside of me. I do not know what my next step is. I keep looking for jobs. But I am also wondering if I could do something else? Like going to a school? I really feel like I need to go to school just to open some job positions. But what should I do? The most grounded degree? I hesitated. The last time I got a certificate for interpreter, I did not use it because I was kind scared and crawled back to the old job at Mascon.
Writing it just makes it more painful. To face the real me, is almost unbearable. I need to be humble, accept and choose. Because the indecision slowly exhausted all my options. Worst of all, I cannot get out the mindset. So it's not like I can't decide on doing something at one direction, I am focused on the other direction. I stopped, I suspend my life single-handedly.
------------------------------------------
I know I keep coming back to the theme that I have a lot on my mind. It's not like there's nothing I want to do. Doesn't matter how small the thing is. But I could not find a right time to do it? My sister is doing a journal, she paints, draws, designs, and writes. My mom read Bible, learning new recipes, watching inspiring stories. Uncle is doing his financial. Cousins are all doing their things. I know, because thanks to the social media. They are generous to share. I so wish to be like that.
What's stopping me? What's stopping me? What's stopping me?
----------------------------------------
I need to keep thinking and writing. Some people can keep abstract thoughts in front of their eyes. It seems that I cannot keep it for 2 seconds. If I did not write it. How will I ever recognize it?
There's a dread inside my house. That dread maybe partly from the outside event. But I know there's a vortex, which is the source of this dense feeling which is inside of me. I do not know what my next step is. I keep looking for jobs. But I am also wondering if I could do something else? Like going to a school? I really feel like I need to go to school just to open some job positions. But what should I do? The most grounded degree? I hesitated. The last time I got a certificate for interpreter, I did not use it because I was kind scared and crawled back to the old job at Mascon.
Writing it just makes it more painful. To face the real me, is almost unbearable. I need to be humble, accept and choose. Because the indecision slowly exhausted all my options. Worst of all, I cannot get out the mindset. So it's not like I can't decide on doing something at one direction, I am focused on the other direction. I stopped, I suspend my life single-handedly.
------------------------------------------
I know I keep coming back to the theme that I have a lot on my mind. It's not like there's nothing I want to do. Doesn't matter how small the thing is. But I could not find a right time to do it? My sister is doing a journal, she paints, draws, designs, and writes. My mom read Bible, learning new recipes, watching inspiring stories. Uncle is doing his financial. Cousins are all doing their things. I know, because thanks to the social media. They are generous to share. I so wish to be like that.
What's stopping me? What's stopping me? What's stopping me?
----------------------------------------
I need to keep thinking and writing. Some people can keep abstract thoughts in front of their eyes. It seems that I cannot keep it for 2 seconds. If I did not write it. How will I ever recognize it?
Thursday, April 16, 2020
some thoughts
I quit my job at Charm on Feb. 17. 2020. The reason is that they asked me to start at warehouse on Tuesday and Thursday. So that basically mean, I will be warehouse at N. Andover 3 days, warehouse at Lawrence 2 days. They emailed me about it on Friday(2020/02/14), I'd waited on Monday to reply. I was disheartened. I emailed them back saying, I was busy at 2 locations also mentioned shoulder injury at the end. It was Mike Ashe replied at first but human resource replied my second email CC'd an attorney. I was aroused by the newly attached lawyer. I suddenly felt vulnerable. I was trying to come up with an answer during the weekend. I made a decision if I really had to work warehouse all 5 days, I think I will quit. Upon seeing a lawyer, I was immediately nervous. Because I felt they also want me to quit.
By last October, my shoulder was already screaming. Then I asked for worker's comp. My aunt at Texas said if you did not plan to stay long term, you should ask for worker's comp. So I did. But the company did not say anything else. I did not ask the doctor for anything specific. Doctors just prescribed rest basically. But I felt my body was breaking down slowly. My lower back and my knees started to feel impact. I looked around my colleagues, they either had shoulder surgery, or knee surgery. It seemed so prevalent. I was very scared. I think that also contributes to the whole scenario.
I was a nerve wreck the whole day on Feb. 17. 2020. I don't like to be pushed. I was on the verge of saying quit. But if I did not elaborate on the second email like MikeA asked me to do, I still had a good chance to stay on the job until April, which was the time I really wanted to quit. My sister question me why April, I told her something about health insurance. But actually, I just wish to stay at one place for a year. Anyway, I emailed HR, saying I am able to perform my job in current capacity but not with added warehouse load. But HR kept asking if I could perform my job when I was hired to do. Then MikeA called me up, to ask if I really wanted to quit, and am I going to give a 2 weeks notice. I asked him if I stay for 2 weeks, am I still need to do warehouse at Lawrence. He said yes. I told him, then I will quit now. So I left work at 4. Company had a guy, Brandon by the N. Andover front door, waiting for me already. He followed me all the way to Lawrence office, where I was instructed to return my laptop.
----------------------------
I was quite miserable on this job. But I guess I was miserable on every job. Though that be the case, at Mascon, I had a lot of human interactions; at USPS, I was lucky to meet Dave and the fellow mail carriers, and working at Middleton really helped, I felt I want more interaction. It was really weird that I tried to avoid human contacts at Charm. The people there were not bad, I like to work with the N. Andover crews, Brad, Kevin, Allan, and Karen. I also like to work with Matt at Lawrence. The other people are alright too. I worked with Grace, the Accountant VP, a bit more in the beginning. But after a while, MikeA got annoyed. So I kept minimum contact with her. The situation with MikeA, my manager, was a remote one. I often found little to no job at Andover location. I eventually conveyed this to him at the end of last year, and he met with the head of Electrnoic Dept and I to see what can be done at Electronic Dept, inventory wise.
All sounds good? But I dragged my feet to work everyday. I also felt tremendous pressure to talk to my colleagues about almost anything. I grew restless at work, I felt lost of direction at times. I think this has a lot to do with the position and my unfamiliarity of how the company functioned in the beginning. For lacking of direction had something to do with MikeA. MikeA wasn't a bad colleague. But because of the incident at Mascon, my expectation of my manager would be someone I worked closely and talked a lot. I understand that I did not make great effort to initiate dialogue as often, I also felt that I was left alone at N. Andover and Andover a lot of times. My position was foretold by MikeA as a difficult position, as I realized later, that it was created under compromise of Manufacture and Inventory, and even Accounting Departments. But sadly, my boss was MikeA. He was a very hard worker, incredibly detailed, inexhaustibly diligent, and his head was deep in his work. Sometimes, I felt I work beneath him, and yet sometimes, he treated me like I should've known what to do already. If I was Matt, I think that thought would be fine, but I was not Matt. Matt have been working there for 10 years. I just started. I would've got nothing to do if Grace did not assign me work in the beginning.
When I first started at Mascon, I took a lot of initiation. I asked everything and anything. Now I have to ask myself, was taking initiation the reason I left Mascon? I was growing restless there at the end. I felt I was taking care so many business, and yet, there must be an sense of unfulfillment. I say this now, I really think that Charm's experience showed me something deep inside. I always felt I could do more. But consider this, I had a lot of pressure talking to my colleagues about work. My job as an inventory assistant was to understand the inventory process in all levels, from the items shipping in, stocking, QC, Manufacture, and sales. Every aspect of the process involve inventory issues. And there were 4 facilities. I feel I had to be diplomatic with manager of each facilities, but I also felt that my job required me to look into other people's business. That made me nervous. When MikeA talked with, he said inventory department owned those inventories. But when he talked to other managers, it became more like "what can I be assistant today?" The different tunes really annoyed me to no end.
What is deep inside of me? When uncle asked once, if you kept doing things without people knowing, can you take it? I thought I could. But maybe not after all. The problem of being restless at the end, really is a desire to fulfill myself with anything. I think there's a desire, or maybe even ambition to become a manager. But after Charm, I realize, I am stressed out talking to people about their business which is what a good manager need to do. And I had a illusion that my job at Mascon or at USPS, or at Charm will fulfill something empty inside. When I found that the tasks at hand was relatively small comparing to what other people were doing. My bubble burst, all the possible fulfillment seemed merely an empty shell! I became restless. When I became restless, and I am scared to think and act on what could my fulfillment, even just to step out and trying the possibilities, the whole frustration and disappointment sipped into every faucet of my being.
A realization is a good thing. Sleep on it?
By last October, my shoulder was already screaming. Then I asked for worker's comp. My aunt at Texas said if you did not plan to stay long term, you should ask for worker's comp. So I did. But the company did not say anything else. I did not ask the doctor for anything specific. Doctors just prescribed rest basically. But I felt my body was breaking down slowly. My lower back and my knees started to feel impact. I looked around my colleagues, they either had shoulder surgery, or knee surgery. It seemed so prevalent. I was very scared. I think that also contributes to the whole scenario.
I was a nerve wreck the whole day on Feb. 17. 2020. I don't like to be pushed. I was on the verge of saying quit. But if I did not elaborate on the second email like MikeA asked me to do, I still had a good chance to stay on the job until April, which was the time I really wanted to quit. My sister question me why April, I told her something about health insurance. But actually, I just wish to stay at one place for a year. Anyway, I emailed HR, saying I am able to perform my job in current capacity but not with added warehouse load. But HR kept asking if I could perform my job when I was hired to do. Then MikeA called me up, to ask if I really wanted to quit, and am I going to give a 2 weeks notice. I asked him if I stay for 2 weeks, am I still need to do warehouse at Lawrence. He said yes. I told him, then I will quit now. So I left work at 4. Company had a guy, Brandon by the N. Andover front door, waiting for me already. He followed me all the way to Lawrence office, where I was instructed to return my laptop.
----------------------------
I was quite miserable on this job. But I guess I was miserable on every job. Though that be the case, at Mascon, I had a lot of human interactions; at USPS, I was lucky to meet Dave and the fellow mail carriers, and working at Middleton really helped, I felt I want more interaction. It was really weird that I tried to avoid human contacts at Charm. The people there were not bad, I like to work with the N. Andover crews, Brad, Kevin, Allan, and Karen. I also like to work with Matt at Lawrence. The other people are alright too. I worked with Grace, the Accountant VP, a bit more in the beginning. But after a while, MikeA got annoyed. So I kept minimum contact with her. The situation with MikeA, my manager, was a remote one. I often found little to no job at Andover location. I eventually conveyed this to him at the end of last year, and he met with the head of Electrnoic Dept and I to see what can be done at Electronic Dept, inventory wise.
All sounds good? But I dragged my feet to work everyday. I also felt tremendous pressure to talk to my colleagues about almost anything. I grew restless at work, I felt lost of direction at times. I think this has a lot to do with the position and my unfamiliarity of how the company functioned in the beginning. For lacking of direction had something to do with MikeA. MikeA wasn't a bad colleague. But because of the incident at Mascon, my expectation of my manager would be someone I worked closely and talked a lot. I understand that I did not make great effort to initiate dialogue as often, I also felt that I was left alone at N. Andover and Andover a lot of times. My position was foretold by MikeA as a difficult position, as I realized later, that it was created under compromise of Manufacture and Inventory, and even Accounting Departments. But sadly, my boss was MikeA. He was a very hard worker, incredibly detailed, inexhaustibly diligent, and his head was deep in his work. Sometimes, I felt I work beneath him, and yet sometimes, he treated me like I should've known what to do already. If I was Matt, I think that thought would be fine, but I was not Matt. Matt have been working there for 10 years. I just started. I would've got nothing to do if Grace did not assign me work in the beginning.
When I first started at Mascon, I took a lot of initiation. I asked everything and anything. Now I have to ask myself, was taking initiation the reason I left Mascon? I was growing restless there at the end. I felt I was taking care so many business, and yet, there must be an sense of unfulfillment. I say this now, I really think that Charm's experience showed me something deep inside. I always felt I could do more. But consider this, I had a lot of pressure talking to my colleagues about work. My job as an inventory assistant was to understand the inventory process in all levels, from the items shipping in, stocking, QC, Manufacture, and sales. Every aspect of the process involve inventory issues. And there were 4 facilities. I feel I had to be diplomatic with manager of each facilities, but I also felt that my job required me to look into other people's business. That made me nervous. When MikeA talked with, he said inventory department owned those inventories. But when he talked to other managers, it became more like "what can I be assistant today?" The different tunes really annoyed me to no end.
What is deep inside of me? When uncle asked once, if you kept doing things without people knowing, can you take it? I thought I could. But maybe not after all. The problem of being restless at the end, really is a desire to fulfill myself with anything. I think there's a desire, or maybe even ambition to become a manager. But after Charm, I realize, I am stressed out talking to people about their business which is what a good manager need to do. And I had a illusion that my job at Mascon or at USPS, or at Charm will fulfill something empty inside. When I found that the tasks at hand was relatively small comparing to what other people were doing. My bubble burst, all the possible fulfillment seemed merely an empty shell! I became restless. When I became restless, and I am scared to think and act on what could my fulfillment, even just to step out and trying the possibilities, the whole frustration and disappointment sipped into every faucet of my being.
A realization is a good thing. Sleep on it?
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Saw a poem I like
Why I Wake Early
by Mary Oliver
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.
two movies last night
i watched 2 movies last night.
Rambo the last blood:
It's a near total waste of time. The only reason it's not a "total" waste of time, is because watching Mr. Stallone execute the last move was really quite jaw dropping.
Onward:
It's incredibly weird to transform from Rambo to this animation. LOL, it might be a sign that I am really numb with the violence... A dangerous sign.
The movie was really good! I loved it! I hesitate to watch it because I felt the character design and story does not sound that interesting to me. But Pixar movie has this effect to relate simple relationships and make it friendly and fun in a heart warming way. It showed in small details but became very memorable. I love it.
Quote from the movie:
"I hope there's still a little magic left in you."
Such simple phrase, but it touches my heart in some way. :)
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Watched Mando
I watched The Mandalorian a few nights ago.
I felt the series is in a good direction. There are plenty of memorable characters. But I consider the length of the series is its finest strength. Basically, I am saying it's short and sweet. But at best, it will be like Firefly with longer TV life. The concept is pretty much like the samurai story, Lone wolf and cub. But for episodic style to work, it needs humor and great characters which is what made Firefly so good.
Jedi is already a mystery in the Star War. And is there any characters more curious than Yoda?
What is the Hero's choice? Why did he go back to save the baby? Aren't there other times he'd break guild's rule?
What kind of friends will he gather along the way? Is he going to meet Luke Skywalker?
I felt the series is in a good direction. There are plenty of memorable characters. But I consider the length of the series is its finest strength. Basically, I am saying it's short and sweet. But at best, it will be like Firefly with longer TV life. The concept is pretty much like the samurai story, Lone wolf and cub. But for episodic style to work, it needs humor and great characters which is what made Firefly so good.
Jedi is already a mystery in the Star War. And is there any characters more curious than Yoda?
What is the Hero's choice? Why did he go back to save the baby? Aren't there other times he'd break guild's rule?
What kind of friends will he gather along the way? Is he going to meet Luke Skywalker?
寶寶生病的經歷
我的貓, 寶寶, 生病了. 從四月二日晚間開始, 他躲到牆角的箱子裡, 我就知道他不舒服. 第二天, 啥也不吃並且在貓沙裡看到帶血的稀屎. 那天他拉了一整天這樣的糞便. 他都躺著, 有時候在牆角的箱子, 有時候在二樓走廊上角落. 我摸他的身體竟然, 竟然在身子兩旁, 肋骨之後碰到兩塊乒乓球大小的東西. 我想, 我知道是怎麼一回事了. 寶寶的弟弟, 東東也是一樣癌症. 但是, 我之前因為寶寶拉稀帶血我上網查了一下, 也有可能是其他肝的問題. 寶寶在 2016 年時, 因為肝臟感染曾經去看過醫生. 所以我猜如果不是肝癌, 就是和肝相關的問題. 媽媽那一天剛好煮了一鍋胡蘿蔔泥湯. 媽媽拌了一些 heavy cream , 寶寶竟然還吃了一些!
我本來和媽媽還有小瑋說這次不帶他去看醫生了. 因為我十幾年前去給東東安樂死的記憶實在讓我受不了. 東東本來就膽小, 那時醫生抱進去打安樂針, 本來, 安樂針打了還有一段時間才會過去. 但是, 醫生還給我貓時, 東東只有五分鐘了... 到星期六的時候, 我終於受不了, 或許我很希望醫生跟我說, 寶寶還有救. 寶寶連四肢都在涼下來. 我還是帶去獸醫那.
現在新冠疫情, 我只能在醫院外把寶寶交給護士, 讓她帶寶寶進去. 不久, 我在獸醫的停車場接到獸醫的電話, 她建議安樂死. 她聽說寶寶還可以吃, 她就認為是肝或膽的問題. 無論是癌還是其他問題, 她認為寶寶的肝功能已經喪失, 而且一定痛的很厲害. 應該馬上安樂死. 我不願意, 於是獸醫要我簽個字. 她給了我九針止痛劑.
寶寶到家後的兩天裡情況非常糟糕. 獸醫先給他打了一針止痛劑. 寶寶的眼睛看起來像玻璃, 連閉都不會閉. 把媽媽看了嚇一大跳. 回來後的第一天, 完全就是拉稀, 拉白綠色的稀. 和小瑋講, 她說那全都是 bile. 寶寶連力氣都沒了,嘴巴幾乎都張不開. 更荒論吃任何東西. 直到第二天晚上, 我實在希望他可以吃一點. 我切了很小塊的奶油放在他嘴邊, 寶寶竟然用力的伸出舌頭舔一舔, 就舔完了. 是的, 他連伸出舌頭我都可以感覺到他非常用力. 於是, 從那時起, 我從奶油, 生雞肉, 生肝, 就一直餵到現在. 他現在瘦的皮包了骨, 可是至少可以自己走到一樓再走回二樓去找有太陽的地方睡覺! 呼吸裡的痛苦也不再聽到. 他昨天第一次大出了一條黑長的大便!
我不知道寶寶能撐多久. 因為我感覺他並沒有真的恢復. 他現在瘦的程度就只有謝立言叔叔家的大貓可以相比. 而且, 可以看的出來他仍不大有精神. 而且肚子裡的兩顆球似乎依然存在. 我不知道下一步是怎樣, 但是, 我只想耐心的等待. 如果他出現很痛的現象, 我就給他打個針. 如果他還想吃, 我就繼續給他吃好油, 好肉, 好內臟. 我想可能會有不少人覺得我應該讓他安樂死, 可是每當我看到他現在朝著我大叫因為他餓了的時候, 我好高興!
我本來和媽媽還有小瑋說這次不帶他去看醫生了. 因為我十幾年前去給東東安樂死的記憶實在讓我受不了. 東東本來就膽小, 那時醫生抱進去打安樂針, 本來, 安樂針打了還有一段時間才會過去. 但是, 醫生還給我貓時, 東東只有五分鐘了... 到星期六的時候, 我終於受不了, 或許我很希望醫生跟我說, 寶寶還有救. 寶寶連四肢都在涼下來. 我還是帶去獸醫那.
現在新冠疫情, 我只能在醫院外把寶寶交給護士, 讓她帶寶寶進去. 不久, 我在獸醫的停車場接到獸醫的電話, 她建議安樂死. 她聽說寶寶還可以吃, 她就認為是肝或膽的問題. 無論是癌還是其他問題, 她認為寶寶的肝功能已經喪失, 而且一定痛的很厲害. 應該馬上安樂死. 我不願意, 於是獸醫要我簽個字. 她給了我九針止痛劑.
寶寶到家後的兩天裡情況非常糟糕. 獸醫先給他打了一針止痛劑. 寶寶的眼睛看起來像玻璃, 連閉都不會閉. 把媽媽看了嚇一大跳. 回來後的第一天, 完全就是拉稀, 拉白綠色的稀. 和小瑋講, 她說那全都是 bile. 寶寶連力氣都沒了,嘴巴幾乎都張不開. 更荒論吃任何東西. 直到第二天晚上, 我實在希望他可以吃一點. 我切了很小塊的奶油放在他嘴邊, 寶寶竟然用力的伸出舌頭舔一舔, 就舔完了. 是的, 他連伸出舌頭我都可以感覺到他非常用力. 於是, 從那時起, 我從奶油, 生雞肉, 生肝, 就一直餵到現在. 他現在瘦的皮包了骨, 可是至少可以自己走到一樓再走回二樓去找有太陽的地方睡覺! 呼吸裡的痛苦也不再聽到. 他昨天第一次大出了一條黑長的大便!
我不知道寶寶能撐多久. 因為我感覺他並沒有真的恢復. 他現在瘦的程度就只有謝立言叔叔家的大貓可以相比. 而且, 可以看的出來他仍不大有精神. 而且肚子裡的兩顆球似乎依然存在. 我不知道下一步是怎樣, 但是, 我只想耐心的等待. 如果他出現很痛的現象, 我就給他打個針. 如果他還想吃, 我就繼續給他吃好油, 好肉, 好內臟. 我想可能會有不少人覺得我應該讓他安樂死, 可是每當我看到他現在朝著我大叫因為他餓了的時候, 我好高興!
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