random

You must think that this thing passed.  But it did not.  I know. 

There's nothing to do to boast ourselves.  Who's we? 

This morning, Mom was very angry at me.  For I said she's always said something inconsiderate.  The scenario was like this.  Mom cooked noodle for breakfast this morning.  I filled my bowl myself and added a chicken dish on top of the noodle.  She was right besides me when this happened.  She asked if I put chicken in my first bowl when I was getting my second bowl of noodle.  She quickly concluded herself that I must have not taken the chicken dish the first time.  I was annoyed by that saying.  For I did, and she was right besides me!  So I talked back, how come she said I didn't take the chicken the first time?  She needn't saying that at all.  The wording was really bad.  Further, I added, she's always like this. 

She's pissed off immediately.  She said:  her intention was for me to have a full stomach.  She shouldn't say anything at all!  She is the most inconsiderate when it came to other people's feeling?!  You are a sensitive young man, you think that by saying that I did not trust you...?  It's your own problem, if you think that way! 

I was upset.  Very upset.  Why did I use the word, always?  I got more upset, because it is partially true that I don't think she trust me.  And yet, she won't admit it.  When this trust issue, I know I have problem, for I really felt guilty about her situation.  I really am.  I know at least half of the fault was mine.   I mean, she being unhappy and all.  But of course, this is a problem I need to deal with.  For she is a simpler human being than me.  She can let things go.  Or on the surface. 

But there are other things.  I felt that she's right besides me when I took the chicken the first time.  How  could she forget about that???  I felt ignored.  Of course, it probably is normal on her part.  She might not really see  the action.  She could be distracted.  Or she simply just blurted out something.  Ok, that last one was my imagination again. 

I just wish I could shut my mouth and smile and nod, and eat my noodle.  Thanks her for the such a wonderful meal.  Now, I felt I am a little sarcastic.  What about my feeling?  MY feeling is my own problem.  I need to learn how to deal with it.  I will need to learn let it go.  I will learn how to speak correctly, rather than just blurt out anything.  This was all my fault.  Just think about it, as long as I kept my mouth shut and compliment on her, she'd be happy.  Or at least not pissed. 

This must be my pride.  My pride, which I do not see how could I have any pride?!  I don't have time to thank enough, but pride? 

Now I am angry and tired.  What about my feeling?   Apologize!  Apologize to you mother!!!!!!!  She's always right.  She's always right. 

NO, I don't want to just shut my fucking mouth!  I don't want to be uncle!  I want to say my piece.  I still felt ignored.  But of course, mom have the right to ignore me.  She can bring me to this life, she can also ignore me.  IT is I who needs to find an audience.

I know I am angry still.  I know she's still angry.  No, this is only in my mind.  

insist

the problem is not new. 
always forget about what i want. 
not just forget, most of time, confused as well. 
we need to judge.  but judgement did not favor
that moment's passion. 

fail seemed inevitable. 
sometimes slow is the problem
sometimes no decision was made at all.
but the other half of the time, forgetful
is the problem, really.  

how to not forget the good one
i have to judge, no? 
to judge, it takes time, no?
so many options, how to choose?
sweat is beading on my nose. 
i wish it's an 8 ball.
just give me the choice
i need to make once and for all. 

oh, wait, what was on my mind
after all....

park and world

I watched Jurassic World a couple weeks ago.  I enjoyed quite a bit.  I like Chris Pratt, he's naturally funny.  The other actor who has similar charisma is Nathan Fillion.  I liked the final fight in the movie as well.  While watching it, I kept thinking that I liked the first one better though.  I wondered why. 

I watched the first one again last night.  I like the first one better.  I think the first one was simpler in terms of scale and complexity.  The dino in the park was more animal like.  They were more raw.  I was simply awed, even for raptors.  But in the world, I felt a sense of guidance, an artificial intention.  The link between Pratt's character and raptor was a source of emotion, I felt moved, especially towards the end.  But it also create something more domesticated.  It's probably not avoidable since raptors has been in contact with human for so long.  The new Dino was not a dino anymore.  It's a monster.  In the park, SS, the director wanted to bring audience to see real dinos as real animals, he did not want to show  Godzilla or King Kong.  But it's kind reversed in the World.  Human created a monster instead of dino.  Thus, huge chasm between the Park and the World.

It could also be viewed as a hero movie.  To me, personally, a story of how a man becomes a hero seemed  always more interesting than a story about a Hero who was already a Hero, or even a fall of a Hero.  The rise of a hero brought hope and unknown future.  That future was exciting.  I guess the park has the same effect.  The World is not.  But it brought great nostalgia when the T-rex went on the roof and claimed his throne.  The world is a still very good story nonetheless. 

It's interesting to note that in the Park, I saw some local life.  But in the World, Dino was the main focus.  The other thing to be noted was that Carnivore battle is really the meat of the World.  It's also differed from the Park.  Of course, any huge dino fight was exciting, especially this well done, but still a huge piece of artificial direction.  I kept mentioning about Artificial intention, I think it's unfair.  I can' shake it off though.  It is clear that every frame was created by a human intention.  Its purpose is to hit audience, hoping they would resonant.  But, if I could feel that guidance, that means I, as an audience was not in the moment, instead, I was outside, looking in, and I could even see the hands controlling those puppet. 

I could even link this feeling with "the Tiger: a true story of Vengeance and Survival".  I still couldn't really express my awe from that book.  But the impression from the Park and the World did stir something in me that reminded of that book. 

看出事情的真相

我常常覺得, 我看事情都是看事情的真相.  時間一久, 卻感覺愈來愈憤世忌俗.  期實自己哪裡能看到事情的真相呢?  大多都是把這一事和另一事, 或者這一人和那一人比比, 量量, 然後歸納出一個表格.  把以後看到的人事物, 通通往那個表格一放, 就說, 真相就是這樣. 

真相嘛,那還不簡單, 每個人都穿衣服, 那不是真相.  把衣服脫了吧.  每個人都有五官四肢, 那不是真相, 把皮相去掉, 剩下的白骨, 那總是真相了吧?! 

可憐的人, 自己的歷練有多少?  所經歷的人事物有多少?  不應該那麼早就把評斷是非的標準畫在白紙黑字上...  只要消化在心裡, 然後忘掉吧.  要讓心靈長大, 那張紙, 撕了吧... 

unmovalbe object

Do you ever wonder, wondering how were you falling into sleep?  I did.  I wondered about it a lot.  I wondered what was I doing right before sleep happened.  I wonder if I was imagining something.  For it seemed that I could fall into sleep quite easily, if I cooked up a story first.  But I always wondered, how come I never really dreamed of those stories.  In fact, I never really remembered my dream during my sleep.  But right after I opened my eyes, the imagination I cooked up before I sleep, I could still remembered them. 

------------------------

What's the point of the above paragraph?  What is the theme that I want to explore?  I feel I lost the topics.  I usually went blank if I wanted to start something.  I thought if I scrambled on, I could find it.  For one moment, I know it was there.  But then, I could not stop scrambling.  Or, I thought if was on the train of thoughts then.  So if I kept scrambling, it would appear automatically.  No.  It's not the case.  How sad...

-----------------------

Fall came

I went to Texas last week, from Tues to Fri.  It's a very short trip.  We went to my aunt's new home, which is really middle of nowhere.  We went to Houston and Austin, both 5 hour round trip.  But it is unique.  The ranch was big, and there are cows free ranging 6 feet off our front door.  I was hoping to pet a cow.  But they were extremely shy.  It was a curious sight when all of sudden, all cow raised their head to look at you.  You know it's true that they noticed you although I don't want to anthropomorphize the cow.  At that moment, it felt funny like I was being discovered by a group people I was trying to sneak around.  I was wearing red the first day so I was also wonder if they'd charge because of that.  lol That range is beautiful.  It has at least 2 ponds, a wooded area, the landscape was interesting enough.  But it needs a lot of work.  I wonder if my aunt and her husband could really handle it. 

----------------------------------------------

Like I said that place was far from big city.  We went to Austin to meet my cousin, that was a 5 hour trip, wait, cross that, with some stops along the way, it was a whole day trip.  And we only meet my cousin for a 40 minutes Ramen...  The soup itself was decent enough, but portion was small... 

Then on Thursday, we went to Wendy's house in Houston for dinner.  It was only a meal, not even a tea time.  Then, whew, we were leaving.  PQ driving home this time.  It was really dark the closer we get to the destination.  To me, it's amazing to drive 5 hours round trip just to have a meal.  But my gosh, when I looked back it was like a dream.  Short, weird, but  vivid.  It was in a hurry, many details were missing.  It felt awkward.  That awkward may make the trip memorable?  lol 

------------------------------------------------

On the last night in Texas, I had a dream.  I dreamt of CJ dressed in a  black dress, with a bit shoulders showing.  She walked to my left side, then maybe we exchanged a few words.  I thought she was going to sit by my side.  But no, she sat on my left thigh.  I could not help but exploded to hug her, put my head on her shoulder.  Then I was pulled from it, in a state of shock. 

------------------------------------------------


We went to rock climbing on 10-18-2015 morning with george, george's wife, CJ, CJ's brother.  I was surprised that all of us could accomplishing a lot for that day.  I thought george was doing great, so was his wife, tian zhou yiao.  CJ's brother did not surprise me.  I already knew her will, but I was surprised at CJ's ability to climb.  CJ's brother seemed really interested, he even asked the staff there about the transportation.  It surprised me that the rcok gym provide service to pick people up at subway station! 

After two and half hours of climbing, we went to  Brooklyn to eat.  On the way back, I missed a turn, then I have to pay the toll booth...  :p 


--------------------------------------------------