dong dong

dong dong died on 1/28/2011. he was shocked to death while vet was trying to put cast in him for euthanize.

you and her are now in my dream
in a yellow
dim light of mist
you rolled up in her arms
she on the sofa
fast asleep
while you purred on your back
embraced with two arms
in front of her bosoms
sweet dreams
i will wake you two
when i dream

國與朝, 還有中國這一名詞

不知道中國古代史家是如何界定朝代與國的?

我始終都覺得中國不過是文化名詞. 也就是以黃淮平原發展出來的文化. 中國本來指的就是黃淮平原一帶. 誰入主這一地帶, 誰就是這一帶的主人. 但是, 這樣問題來了. 歷來很多人入主這一塊地方啊... 依照傳統歷史, 三皇五帝都依序入主黃淮平原. 如果根據現代考古, 則這片土地上, 民族遷移的痕跡似乎沒停過. 那麼中國, 到底是地名呢? 還是文化呢? 我持文化論是啥原因呢?

根據我道聽塗說之後, 又因為記憶不佳而得來的結果. 我以為, 從中亞大草原, 一直到黃淮平原, 在古代, 實際上是一個大草原的文化. 大草原上, 雖然也根據膚色, 目色, 髮色, 語言, 風俗來分部族. 但是, 草原上遷移迅速, 移動範圍廣, 各部族混居到最後, 更容易由風俗習慣來看人. 也就是說, 如果你和我的風俗習慣相類, 則我看你就比較像我的同類. 雖說, 你可能是個白皮膚, 我可能是個黃皮膚. 這就是, 荀子勸學裡說的：「干越夷貉之子，生而同聲，長而異俗，教使之然也。」 這是大草原上的概念. 這個教的涵義裡, 在我看包括語言和風俗習慣.

這樣一個觀念在黃淮平原留下來. 由三皇五帝, 以致於三代. 至孔子, 此觀念不斷的流傳下來. 之後更被司馬遷說的很明白, 他說:

自黃帝至舜、禹，皆同姓而異其國號，以章明德。故黃帝為有熊，帝顓頊為高陽，帝嚳為高辛，帝堯為陶唐，帝舜為有虞。帝禹為夏后而別氏，姓姒氏。契為商，姓子氏。棄為周，姓姬氏。

國號者, 朝代名也. 此時, 能稱朝者, 皆是天下之盟主也. 其入主中國, 而號令天下之國. 入主黃淮平原者如何號令天下之國, 制禮作樂. 禮樂, 就是文化的表現. 其中有當時天下人所認同的生活準則, 可以承載天下各國各民族的風俗習慣. 在春秋戰國時, 這一認同已經達到了長江流域. 這裡已經超越了黃淮平原的地區. 但是, 在當時, 各黃淮平原的諸侯仍把楚國看作是中國以外. 因為中國一詞, 在當時仍是黃淮平原. 所以, 即使是孔子, 他仍稱周朝的官話, 也就是周國的話語為雅言. 他在念頌詩經的時候, 依然以雅言朗誦. 那麼, 這時, 朝和國到底是啥分別呢? 朝就是具有盟主地位的國, 而國, 很清楚就是比較小的諸侯.

在秦結束春秋戰國後, 秦廢諸侯, 而確定以縣為單位. 但是, 秦沒多久之後是漢. 漢是縣國並存. 後來又到了五胡亂華, 歷史上稱為五胡十六國, 最後變為南北朝. 這時候, 問題來了. 朝與國怎麼分? 漢朝以後的史學家在經歷四百年相對穩定的朝之後, 如何面對如此混亂形勢? 我想, 這在名詞上似乎滿清楚的. 五胡十六國, 和南北朝. 國者, 仍然小, 就算有大的國, 如符堅的前秦, 依然稱國, 因為沒有文化上的遺留. 朝則不僅僅國土大, 裡面風俗多, 而且有文化影像力. 中國在哪裡呢? 這時候, 是跟文化嗎? 還是跟土地? 以我殘弱的知識來看, 中國是以文化的姿態出現. 文化, 像是空氣, 到處都在. 即使是異族入主黃淮平原, 他最後的文化歸屬仍是中國. 而相對來看, 本來就是中國文化下的南朝, 反而因為不斷內鬥, 最後, 耗盡自己和時機, 朝代被滅. 但是, 他所代表的中國呢? 如果中國是土地, 則他早已不能代表中國. 如果中國是文化, 那他被滅的時候, 中國在哪裡?

文化啊, 那空虛的東西呀. 他是制度嗎? 他是語言嗎? 他是人性嗎? 他是思想嗎? 他是文字嗎? 永遠不要忘了荀子的話: 「干越夷貉之子，生而同聲，長而異俗，教使之然也。」 中國既不在血液裡, 也不在父母那裡. 一切只在人心裡. 文化可以使人強盛, 也可以使人衰殘. 北朝的五胡之民和漢民融合, 拓拔氏使用許多漢晉以來的文化, 他就是中國. 南朝繼續晉朝的內鬥, 還要加上南方居民的競爭, 喪失時機和鬥志, 他們也是中國. 既然都是中國, 那麼就要看, 誰能駕御文化. 駕馭文化者, 心也.

隋唐以後, 五代十國. 其決定因素, 似乎仍是: 區域多寡, 風俗多, 和文化影響力. 這一時期, 朝並不具有對國的絕對武力優勢. 但是, 他依然有相對的形勢. 以後一直到清朝結束, 朝與國的關係幾乎是類似的. 中國這一名詞, 就是漢唐明清在對外國的時候, 幾乎是不用的. 他們只是用國號來對外稱呼自己. 所以歷代以來, 中國人其實又叫, 漢人, 唐人, 明人, 清人. 這是繼續三代的傳統.

但是, 民國以來, 中國成了一個正式國號. 這基本上是個錯誤. 為啥呢? 因為中國從古至今都是一個文化單位. 幾乎都是一個文化單位. 現在濫用了, 那麼台灣, 還是一個中國文化嗎? 大陸以他的巨大稱自己是中國. 那他要怎樣看台灣呢? 它可以用他的勢力使地圖上少一塊嗎? 不行. 可是他可以使人們永遠搖擺在不確定裡. 而且, 當我們回去看台灣的文化與大陸文化的時候, 他們無差別嗎? 有, 且不是短期之內可以縮短到無.

可以這麼說, 中國, 被定為國號, 有外國壓力. 他使的很多中國文化的人感到壓力, 而形成一種意志, "我們"! 但是, 當現在, 我們努力學習西方文化的同時, 又發現, 他們自己也有 nation, state, regime, nation state...等等概念. 但是, 我們自己的朝與國的概念卻完全消失, 或著更明確一點, 他是去了活力. 好像一旦定義住了, 就永遠不能改變. 以為朝只是封建名詞. 所以我們改用國. 但是, 殊不知, 我們的情況完全不能和歐洲的觀念相比, 我們的語言文字也不能完全 1:1 的和歐洲對譯. 既然如此, 我寧可中國永歸文化單位, 而讓朝與國的觀念在度活起來. 以前朝是家族, 但是, 現在看來, 朝未嘗不能用於不同憲法, 不同主義下的政權. 國, 則每一個省其實就是一個國. 中國則仍是像空氣一樣, 他只能活在心裡. 而不能在外表.

獨臂刀和大醉俠電影感想

我剛看完獨臂刀, 張徹導演, 王羽等人演. 三天前我看完大醉俠, 胡金銓導, 鄭佩佩等人演.
整體而言, 我比較喜歡獨臂刀. 但是, 大醉俠有很多片段, 我覺得要細膩的多. 另外, 我也覺得大醉俠的選角要更好. 因為不僅僅是幾個主角很有突出, 就連許多副角都很有特色.

獨臂刀一開始我覺得交代的不夠清楚. 不清楚的地方是主角長大後的苦悶, 我不是很瞭解. 我只看到他被同門欺壓, 我覺得他應該憤怒. 但是, 他卻有另一種更深的困擾. 可以猜是和他父親有關. 可是問題就出在這裡, 電影一開始, 他父親就死了, 我完全無時間去深入這種感覺. 另一方面, 我感到一層隔閡, 可能也和我自己有關係, 就和我看不懂愛情戲一樣. 在故事情節上, 越到後面越交代的清楚. 雖說, 我覺得有些地方還是讓我感覺到在看一格一格情節. 即使如此, 在塑造主角的個性上, 這部電影卻是極其成功. 到了最後一個畫面的時候, 一個人物清楚的呈現在觀眾面前. 感覺到這時的他以不再是一個感情混亂的青年, 無論在愛情上, 武功上, 對師門的情感, 自己命運的掌握, 都有了一定的方向. 這電影成功的另一個部分就是講理很成功. 表現在台詞對白上. 師父一開始對兩個師兄和師妹的責備, 小蠻對主角的傾訴, 到最後主角為了救師門對小蠻的一番解釋, 都入情入理. 我覺得很難得. 很多非武俠片都不見得比的上.

大醉俠我覺得輸就輸在劇情上. 因為他的劇情其實更複雜. 其中還有許許多多要鬥智的地方. 但是, 劇組最後的解決辦法放在兩個世外高人身上, 造成了整部片子的敗筆. 實在很可惜. 而且, 片名為大醉俠, 但是, 我覺得我更關心金燕子甚於大醉俠. 結局上, 大醉俠的結局感覺上算是完整的. 不過, 我始終都不覺得那是主菜. 實際上的主菜我感覺我才吃了一半就拿走了, 換成甜點. 有點可惜. 但是, 我仍很喜歡不少片段. 尤其是金燕子出場的那一段. 我就覺得不僅僅是鄭佩佩很棒, 那幾位壞人更是出色. 可以算是很經典的一幕. 鄭佩佩向大醉俠請教的那一個段子也還可以. 金燕子的角色是滿成功的. 我想後來出了一些金燕子單獨的電影也可以說是其來有自吧.

Is unknow language a sound, or a language?

I like to listen to songs that I could not understand sometimes. I listen to Russian, Spanish, French, Mongolian, Turkish, Arabic, Indian, and many others.

Listening to them is a very different experience compared to the songs that I could understand the meaning in lyrics. I feel that some part of my brain is at ease. The lyrics that I do not understand becomes part of music, purely musical. I might follow the phrase at the end of each sentence, but I have no idea of what I was singing. To me, understanding is none existence. But somehow, utter the unknown while following the song makes me melted in the music as well. This is a weird feeling.

But there are moments that I could not listen to those songs. If I was not calm enough, for example. If I was very emotional, I could only listen to songs that I could follow. It is like follow the songs as if that helps express my emotion, which would be hard to do by myself. Could this mean that at those moment, lyrics are more important than musics?

So many things I don't know. lol

new idea on video games

I just had a new idea about video games. lol

I kept reading about brain science. The difference between left brain and right brain is interesting. I just had an idea of putting the players in control of the left brain of the characters in the game. The reasoning is like the following:

1. hardcore fighting is hard. it needs skills. mots people wanted to feel great but did not want to learn, or not able to master all the movement and/or lacking the reaction nerve. This is the reasoning for developers to steer away from hardcore fighting. they are trying to design a system where, people do not need to memorize complicated combo attack, players don't need to memorize the mapping on the keyboard/gamepad, and quicktime events are overabundant.

2. developers need to make player powerful and a sense of achievement, the best way to do it is adding some of the RPG, aka, stats gaining.

3. left brain is in charge of people's daily consciousness. it is broken, slow, and not intuitive. however, to compensate the above mentioned, it has a way of grouping multiple commands into a single solid form. and with practice, this form will be solidified. although as a whole, the now combined commands are limited, it is suffice to compete in a small time frame.

4. with the ability of left brain mentioned above, it is like a combo, where player could take over and control them. right brain is the automated system, like driving a car. and right brain is wehre, developers could design their magic, so to speak. putting many different animations, and things that players could just watch the commands on the screen...

5. the game would be like this, players control left brain. all the right brain could do at the beginning might be functioning through a button. as the RPG kicking in, players could assign more things to the right brain. the whole fight mechanic might just be completely different compared to the beginning. at the beginning, it might feel like Oni, but at the end, according to players, fighting mechanic could eventually evolve into something like diablo, you just need to click senselessly... for those who have no interest in fighting out, the right brain will do it for you. but for those, who actually would like to duke it out and enjoy a good fight, they could use the character's left brain to do just that. I think there should many options for players to decide what kind performance a player prefer. it could go far to the right, or far to the left, and there should have many middle grounds as well.

a study of myself

I think I have known myself well enough to do a research on myself. Where do I start?

First, I think I would like to define the meaning of "self". Since a person grows upon each passing moment, there must be many different "self". So for this article, I am going to write down what I know of myself, how I see myself, at the beginning of my 30th year of breathing. This should not include how I think of my past experience and action. Although my past experience and action brought me here and shape a large part of my self image. The reason for not including those is because I would like to look into mirror right now. If I looked at mirror right now, all I see will be a face, a sum of the results of my past experience and action. I am going to describe those results. That is my purpose here. My past experience and action would be another article.

I am five feet and 3 inches. It surprised me that I talked about my height first. I would always try to think that it does not bother me. I guess it does. I am a Chinese. I have glasses. I am not very pretty, at best, I am not ugly. Although I do not like to look into mirror and I do not like most of the photos I took after I came to USA. I can read, write and speak in Chinese. I also claim that I could speak, write, and read in English. Yes, I claim. I might be able to write the most basic English sentence without getting the most basic grammar wrong. I might be able to speak English, with incomplete pronunciation and accent. I feel that I blurt English words out too quickly with a voice no one can hear. I seemed to read a lot of English, but my memory of them is very poor. My mom read some of the books I read and asked me some of the things she could not understand, I found that half of the time, I did not understand either. So, yes, I could only claim that I am able to read, write, and speak English.

I feel that I am in love with a girl. But I also feel that I know it must be an imagined shadow since I don't really know that girl well. Plus the fact that I have not seen her for more than 7 years. It makes me heart ache to think that I do not really love her. I avert every girl I encounter. Although I feel I would like to know more about them. I feel I try very hard to keep myself away from them. But maybe it is not that hard. Since I have been trying to avoid girls for 7 years now. There are many reasons I myself formulated for doing this. The most basic one is I have nothing to give. I am extremely afraid of failure when I might be turned down. The current statue of myself, with no job, no skill, no income, do not know how to interact. There are always better person out there. I hate departure of people, absolutely Hate it. I will not be able to make her happy, safe, content. I also doubt my sexual ability. I love Nono. I miss her voice, her smile, her dress, the moments I met her in different occasions. But that is okay. I have my memories. I will always have Paris... lol

I always have big dreams when I first started to do something. I am easily discouraged though, very easily. I do not have friends. I might have somebody I could call playmate. I have a hard time making decision. Because you see, pro and con almost always equal themselves out. From this description, I feel I am too greedy. I want both ways. I cannot choose, so I stopped choosing. This is my theory for my difficulty in decision making anyway. It seems that I lack iron will to endure things. When I say, I am going to do something regularly. My promises flop usually.

I look around me, my room is disorganized to the extreme. I look at the clothes I am wearing, they are old and worn, except my pants and sucks. I have a hard time interacting with people. To say hi, takes some thoughts and preparation. And usually, I do not know what to say after Hi. When I see a person I feel I would love to say many interesting things, engage in some chit chat. I could not. The things come out of my mouth is awkward, irrelevant,disengaging. I feel I am just a person sitting far behind the back of my brain watching a bad movie. What could bring myself back to become whole again, is doing exercise, singing, watching a good movie, maybe some reading as well.

When I am with other human beings. I got a problem. How should I move around them? What should I say so I will not offend them? All these problems withhold me from playing basketball. Since I feel there is either I or them. It seems like a quest of decision making. Should I pass the ball? Or should I go for a layup? When I am not able to take an initiation to start a conversation, I could only listen and respond. This angers me. But to make a conversation, I think I need to be more relaxed. According to what I read about brain, my right brain needs to take over some load off my left brain. I probably feel a super strong sense of "I". But on the other hand, I feel I could see people's mood, I feel I am just watching them acting. If I see people around them, I could understand their feeling, their words as well. That sounds like a right brain functioning. Or maybe I am just guessing. The only thing I am sure right now is that I am super confused around people. I am very comfortable around cats and dogs though. But only the friendly ones. I feel sometimes I would flew into a rage if I met a nasty dog, or cat.

This it for tonight. I am turning in.

老衣服

作者: fanghua

那天我又穿起了母親的背心， 小女兒看了吃吃地笑了起來，說 “ 你好像奶奶！”.我知道她的意思是說我穿了母親那件背心看起來比較老，而不是我看起來像她外婆， 畢竟她最後一次看到外婆時才三歲，自然是不會記得我母親的樣子。

每年秋季來臨時， 我照例從收納箱中翻出秋冬季的衣服， 我和母親一樣， 喜歡鮮豔的衣服，即使是冬天的衣服， 也鮮少是寒色的。 母親六十多歲時還在小學教書，上課時， 她的穿著總是比她同年齡的老師年輕。 她說孩子們也喜歡老師穿著鮮豔的衣服，看起來有精神， 不喜歡看到頭發和穿著都是灰灰的“老老師”， 這和她的個性一致，明朗，有朝氣，她的頭發也總是梳理得光光潔潔，整整齊齊的。

可是這個情況在我出國後慢慢有了改變。 出國前媽媽剛退休，身體尚可以出去走走逛逛， 有時我也幫她買衣服， 即使不如從前那麼鮮豔， 至少都是些看起來悅 人眼目的顏色，酒紅的，紫色的，寶藍或竹綠的， 絕對沒有灰色，土黃色或咖啡色等寒色。 後來母親較少出門了， 衣服自然都由嫂嫂們打理。 有回我回去， 她抱怨那些土黃色， 咖啡色的衣服， 讓她看起來臉色不好， 我想可能因為那些是嫂嫂們的母親習慣的顏色吧。 有天早上， 我便推著一歲多的女兒去商店裡給她買了幾件暖色的衣服。 母親皮膚白皙，什麼色都合適， 換了暖色的衣服後， 她臉色果然看起來好了許多， 她的精神也來了， 還記得那天她難得地跟著我和孩子去逛傳統市場，也不嫌人潮擁擠吵雜，我們還在市場的小攤上合吃了一碗當歸土虱湯。


後來媽媽中風，身心俱疲，自然對衣服也就無法講究了， 嫂嫂給她穿什麼， 她就穿什麼， 而這件土黃色，橘色和黑色相間的背心，料子保暖又實穿，就是我最後幾年回去看她時，她身上最常穿的一件。母親離世後， 我看著滿櫃子她穿過的衣服， 挑了些她過去赴宴時常穿的旗袍帶回來，雖然華麗而高雅， 但是我只能收在箱底，偶爾才拿出來看看，只有這件背心， 年年拿出來穿。 在天冷又不出門時， 我喜歡穿上它， 感覺好像回到孩提時被她擁在她的大衣下那種幸福和溫馨， 那麼近， 那麼暖；更更重要的是在廚房做飯時，偶爾抬頭看見窗戶玻璃上映出來穿著那件背心的自己， 我彷佛再一次瞥見母親的身影，有點兒模糊， 卻又那麼的熟悉。。。。

(來源: http://www.smallstation.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=4863)