Why is it so hard to do things?

When I was at Mascon, the most striking things for me is Vic working on his car.  He could work his car at night.  He will go out and wipe his car after a snow.  His wind shield is always spotless. 
I was amazed.  When he went home and came back to work, he would make a difference on his car.  It's amazing, because people continue to live after work.  After we were parting ways after work when I did not see him.  He's still working on something. 

Then, slowly, I started to see other people doing the same thing.  They would tell me what they did over weekend.  I could see pictures of people traveling.  I wonder why this amazed me.  I was kind jealous.  I did not do anything after we were separated after work. 

One day, I was at my sister's apartment.  And there, I saw a lot of albums.  I started to flip through them.  Wow, there're events filled with people I am not familiar.  But look, they all smiled and hugging my sister.  My mom was in some of the albums too.   My sister was doing something when I did not see her!  I wonder did that happen to my mom as well? 

The result is the same.  When I was very young, the collection of my mom's cooking was 乾煸四季豆, 白菜肉絲, 松鼠黃魚...  But now, she's making bakery, Italian, and she's watching youtube to make even more food.  She also talked about Bible, and nothing else.  She talked about brothers and sisters, anecdotes from ministry. 

And I looked back at myself.  I had a lot of ideas.  But few of them were done.  I said once whatever I am good at was originated from my mom.  And it's true.  I looked, none of them were from me.  I do wish to have done something. 

I am in a situation where I am extremely disappointed in myself.  While I looked up and all the people I know are making ways in their lives.  And yet, I am still struggling, to the point that just by doing 1 thing a day, I felt accomplished. 

I don't know why, but this is probably the most comprehensive description of my frustration in recent time.  And yet, I felt I was sitting a million miles away from the screen??!!  Almost like a special effect.